45 min meditation today. Starting out in low level equanimity. Then some subtle boredom and resistance preventing the equanimity to mature. After first trying to bypass this resistance for some time, sort of like trying to script yesterdays beautiful meditation, I instead started turning towards this subtle boredom to objectify / own it, and after some time it melts away and then the equanimity starts to gain traction and deepen. Then pressure started to build up around my 3rd eye and I started focusing on this until it popped and I felt released. I was kind of unsure about whether I was scripting this because it has been quite a while since I've focused on fruitions, but anyways I felt very at ease after this, and it turned out to be quite an enjoyable sit.

Welcome to the DhO !! I'm glad you're here. 

Thank you! :-)

45 min sit today as well. Started higher up in equanimity than yesterday. The field of awareness was broad and inclusive, and I tried to include as much as possible. Noticed a clear ambition to become much more precise about my vipassana technique. Twice it occurred what could have been fruitions. This still triggered that “was that really it?” thing, and I noted that as “doubt,” “speculation,” “worrying,” etc. In general the sit was very peaceful, spacious, energized, and nice, and I feel a clear ambition to just become very precise and phenomenological about my experience during sits. For the most part these last years I’ve been more into a Just Sitting type of meditation, just allowing everything to be as it is, so I expect a litte bit more noise and entanglement with my own experience as I’m adjusting to a more of a “hands on” technique again. I’ll try to note the tensions this adjustment creates to the best of my ability, and I remember well the empowerment I feel when my noting is really precise, broad and inclusive.

45 min meditation today as well. Started off in a more agitated and stressful state. The mind was racing, looking for solutions and trying to “fix things,” but when I sat down, the softness and ease of equanimity was still available in the body. I could feel that physical equanimity slowly permeate and soothe the mental activity.

It felt energizing and empowering to note as broadly and inclusively as possible. No fruitions observed - there wasn’t enough stillness or surrender in the system to let the whole field of experience come into full view. That said, later in the day at work, I noticed a lot of activity in the third eye region, and a sudden release that felt like a “pop.” It may have been a fruition, but I’m still getting used to tracking this again. It brings a little tension, since I’ve been away from maps for so long. However, the interplay between equanimity and fruitions is starting to feel more familiar again. I will be extra vigilant in noting all the various types of tensions showing up around tracking and map-based practice.

45 min meditation today as well. I only slept 4,5 hour tonight, so it was nice that there was energy and well-being in my body when I woke up. The enthusiasm I'm feeling for noting-practice also generated more energy. I had to note boredom and dryness quite a bit in the beginning because of being tired, but the momentum soon started to increase and I was just feeling spacious, peaceful and very inclusive about what I noted. I didn't care about trying to track anything related to fruitons. I'll put that on hold for some time. What was also really nice was how gentle the noting could be and at the same time pretty precise. All the striving and this desperate all or nothing mentality I've had with this practice before, I see the potential for that being something that can quickly just soften up. It is a paradigm I created in the past, and not something that is inherent in the technique or this approach. So nice when noting can feel empowering and precise with this soft and gentle quality to it. The only thing right now I have to be more precise about is that I'm probably a little bit intoxicated with how smooth and nice this day have been. I still go through painful emotional cycles, but it seems like my capacity outside of meditation for experiencing emotional pain fully and completely without trying to "fix it" has improved lately. It is very encouraging to see that so many things that before made my mind start to ruminate can be oriented much more towards being objectified and felt in the body. Since there is momentum going on I'll try to be even more vigilant about this. And when I'm writing this I can clearly feel there is disgust towards this self-congratulatory smoothness I've been sailing around in today, and I think that is a good thing because that makes that subtle craving towards trying to maintain this state something that is hopefully easier to sober up from. Trying to maintain anything is really "icky."

45 min meditation today as well. It was like I was having a hang-over from the strong flow I experienced yesterday. Dreamt a lot of strange stuff, and I was pretty contracted when I woke up, but the momentum and enthusiasm for meditating was still there mixed in with different kinds of tensions, and as I sat down to meditate I gradually started to shake it off as my mind was getting more concentrated. It was kind of nice, but still there was also boredom, disappointment, trying to squeeze my experience into yesterdays experience, etc. I guess there was quite a lot of resistance going on actually, mixed in with some low-level well-being. Towards the end I was getting more towards surrender and more synchronizing up with what my actual experience here and now was. I'm still disgusted about wanting my experience to be anything else than what it actually is, and that feels healthy and sobering.

45 min sit. This is the most dry and boring sit so far. There was some low level pleasure and calm in my body, but there was also so much subtle resistance towards it. It is not that it is terrible to sit there, it is actually quite chill, but at the same time very far from acceptance and surrender. I guess what makes it extra irritating is that I know so well what surrender is, but somehow still I resist very strongly, and at the same time there is this low level pleasure and calm in my body, so it is like I'm trying to convince myself that it is good, and then I'm aware of the resistance while I'm simultaneously not clear about it. However, towards the end genuine acceptance and surrender arrived. I think what I had to give up, or wear down, was the projection that this sit was just going to be dry and boring. I had to explore all the expectations around this, together with the various ways that disappointment manifested. And then when my mind became still enough I made the intention to focus on my third eye area while trying to take in the complete field of experience, and seemingly a fruition happened. I've been worried that I've only been flinching and they also seem to come surprisingly quickly, but the release that comes afterward seems pretty clear. I guess when the mind has been going through these cycles some times it gets very used to it and it is no big deal. Maybe before the conditions had to be more perfect, but now the dynamics easily gravitate towards doing something that has happened quite some times. But I still think mastery for me would involve seeing this more clearly, and I could learn to become more intentional about it.

45 min meditation this morning as well. Pretty unenventfull. More pleasant than yesterday, more energy, more wellbeing in the body, still some subtle resistance going on, and it was clear that it wasn't surrender, but it was more like I was indifferent about the subtle resistance going on, and just enjoyed the energy that was building, and the stuff that was getting cleared out and the enthusiasm for the technique. I slept for less than 5 hours this night, so I guess I was grateful that meditation felt like a source of gaining energy. More and more outside of meditation today, and all of these days actually, but I'm noticing it more clearly now, there seems like there is subtle activity going on in my third eye all the time. Sometimes it is a little tense there, sometimes it feels very open and it is like I'm breathing in and out there with a very nice and open feeling in rythm with my physical breath, sometimes it is strobing up there. And it feels like there are small little "blips," and soft releases all day long, sometimes several per minute. I'm not sure all of these are fruitions, maybe there is lots of different subtle activity and energetic releases going on, but I'm sure a lot of them are fruitions. Besides that I'm pretty equanimous for most of the day, but without feeling like I'm anything more or less than just someone who walks around being pretty ordinary. I guess I'm a little bit more focused on my family, friends, and co-workers when I spend time with them, without being so pre-occupied with my internal processes, or daydreaming, as I usually am. Or the other side of the imbalance: I'm not trying to engage people in very deep and meaningful conversations. Probably I'm more well-balanced than usual, just enjoying hanging out and having small talk without any large and intense agenda behind it. Probably I'm less validation-seeking than what I usually have been. Just some normal dude trying to enjoy my fellow human beings without a lot of intensity around it. Kind of interesting all of this, but also kind of just pretty ordinary and ok.

45 min sit this morning as well. There wasn’t much ambition to investigate, so after some initial clearing and building of energy, I settled into concentration and simply used the stillness to nourish, rest, and restore. As the day has continued, there’s been steady activity in the third eye area and - interestingly - in the root chakra as well. A wide variety of micro-releases have been unfolding all day. Yesterday, I reached a kind of peaceful fatigue with these subtle energetic processes, which led to a deeper sense of surrender and spacious peace. Today, however, the energy has been less subtle and more pleasant, so I’ve found myself gently enchanted again by the phenomena. That said, the deeper current seems to be release and surrender. It’s been very satisfying to take the invitation of each micro-release and let body and mind soften into the natural rhythm of letting go.

45 min meditation today as well. I had to split my meditation into 30 min sitting in the morning before work, and 15 min walking meditation last thing in the evening after a very busy day. Not much new to report about my formal meditation. The energetic releases are going on all day long. What I'm noticing is such an increased ability to fully embrace and surrender into all the difficult feelings I'm experiencing throught-out the day. The programming in my mind of trying to create some kind of psychological self-image where I'm not admitting to myself how deeply insecure, anxious, angry, shameful, etc, I often am, is really starting to dismantle, and it is just so much easier to be honest about what is going on without making a big deal about it. And everytime I catch something painful and open up to it and embrace it, I get a sense of mastery and increased confidence in my meditative abilities. I guess this is a skill that has steadily improved ever since I started to meditate almost 25 years ago, but there is a new sense of completeness to it. Some very unhealthy process of hiding behind a false psychological self-image is clearly reduced. And maybe the emotional intensity behind my "dark night material" has finally been discharged enough so that I can deal with that which is left much more completely? Another possibilty is of course that this is just a very equanimous phase I'm in and that makes this aspect feel easy, but deeper layers of dark night material could possibly unfold later and make it all seem difficult again. Whatever is going on I feel very motivated to continue to improve my ability to have clearity and acceptance about my experience in any moment.

45 min meditation today as well. This is the most challenging sit so far. Felt like Echart Tolle's concept of the "pain body" was back. There was also disappointment of not being in this equanimous flow I've been in for quite some days now. And there was grasping for getting my flow back. And I was disappointed for being disappointed, etc. Felt like I was back many years in time where I was struggling hard to get somewhere. Not quite as dramatic, but I was getting a taste of how things used to be. I tried to the best of my ability to note all of this, but concentration was pretty weak. I was carrying the taste of this throughout the whole day, and it was not until I walked home in silence from my job late in the evening that I was starting to get some resolution to it. I was tuning in to how nice and sobering it can be to be real like this again, and not be intoxicated with some kind of flow that apparantly I always subconsciously start to believe will last forever. I was also thinking much about everything I wrote about yesterday. About just really opening up to everything, and it made it feel like a beautiful human experience to just try to stay real with the real experience. Walking home in silence I also noticed I was feeling trapped in this meditation project again, and it was nice to acknowledge and open up to this feeling.

It's good to allow the diffusion of attention through the dark night. Allow it to be less speedy. Allow and include more of the periphery and all the empty space around your suffering. 

Notice the greed for "good meditation" and "good vibes" and "deep work". This same greed was pleasant when you felt good but you likely chose to ignore it as the quality of experience was so nice. It's this same greed now, only ungratified, that will cause difficulty as you try to navigate this territory. 

Experience phenomena as they arise. If you pine for past success know that this too is just more phenomena to be experienced. If you're making judgements about your practice... This too is just more phenomena... If things are good and meaningful and trauma is being resolved this too... 

The whole of the thing is the experience that needs to be experienced as it arises. 

Thanks! This is great advice! Yeah, less striving about having speedy technique in the dark night is a good idea. And I'm starting to notice that I'm disgusted with the intoxication with flow states, with the greed for it, even though it is still pretty seductive. But it is nice to understand it as the same thing, only gratified vs. ungratified greed. I feel motivated and eager to try to be inclusive with as much phenomena as I can possibly be :-)

45 min meditation today as well. Seemed like more familiar equanimity territory again, with building of energy and calmness, what was maybe more noticeable was the distaste I'm starting to get about my own intoxication with nice states.

1 hour meditation today. Today was really strange. The energy and concentration was immediately really strong, like when you know today is going to be a fun meditation, but in this strong concentration my mind just kept flushing out all sorts of fears and cathastrophizing thoughts. It was to the point that I felt really really afraid, and I was projecting all sorts of scenarios into the future about how doomned I am because I have all this shit inside of myself that I've been chronically trying to run away from, and now that perhaps many of these escape-mechanisms have broken down, I'm doomed into loneliness and social expulsion. I had to stop meditating for a some minutes just to reflect on what was going on, and after that it became easier to understand that I'm facing some full force of something, and that this is actually really good. After that "courage" became one of the frequent notes, and the content of my mind started getting a more positive twist.

45 min meditation today. Whereas yesterday was an interesting mix between strong energy, well-being and concentration, mixed with very heavy emotional processing, today was more like boring dark night territory. I was like having a mild existential panic, my mind just scrambling constantly around for solutions to all my perceived problems. I was letting go of the noting-technique, and went back into a Just Sitting techqniue I have where I just go directly into feeling the pain. I was trying to just really feel the existential pain very clear and directly, and go into the pain. I think there is still vipassana to this, but without the noting, because I go into the vibrations of the pain. Existence feel like a boring and dreadful place after this. I'm seeing my mind now some hours after the sit still scrambling for old "escapism strategies," but it seems like there is nowhere left to run.

1 hour meditation today. Very nice concentration today. I think I had two fruitions today as well. One in the middle of the sit, and one more toward the end.

Regarding yesterday, I think something has happened in my practice, so that it is impossible to continue with this chasing for something outside of the present moment (at least not to the same extent as before) that has been so chronic in my life, so when there is dark night stuff going on I can feel extremly trapped in the present moment.

Today, when this beautiful concentration arose, it was very clear that this suits my identity as a meditatior really well, but without it, and without much of anything else to cling on to, the present moment becomes like a dry dessert.

So I guess I'm back to gratified VS. ungratified greed regarding pleasant states of mind.

I can see this almost like childish part of my mind celebrating and saying "Hurra, gone for now, let me just forget all about suffering and stay intoxicated."

45 min meditation today as well. Seemed like I was alternating back and forth between dark night and equanimity, but none of them were very intense. There was energy flowing in my body, and it felt like my mind had the momentum of concentration, but somehow I didn't get much traction, and there were periods of drifting into milder sleepiness, so noting, drifting off a little while half-way noting, noting again, etc. Noting "frustration" regarding this. Also a lot of fear about getting older these days. The traditional buddhist focus on old age, sickness and death, and the urgency it tends to stirr up. I'm trying to note all the various kinds of sufferings associated with this, and it was sort of burning in my whole being this sit. It wasn't clear exactly how this phenomena manifests, but I think it manifests mostly clearly simply as "fear." Yeah, so this sit was a bit murky, and I couldn't note clearly all that was going on, but I think I have a better overview now for my next sit. I also think the sleepiness was produced as an avoidance-strategy, so I could have noted "avoidance" as well. And I'm noting "disappointment" as I'm writing this.

I think before, confronted with these existential issues, I have always somehow panicked, and resorted to some kind of avoidance-strategy. There is some strong fear going on right now, but I think it is easier now to see it as some deeper existential digestion going on, although I have to admit my mind is scrambling for something to hold on to.

45 min meditation today as well. Equanimity stuff. I think the most interesting thing I noted today was aversion to experience itself. Also lots of looking into the play between the observer and the observed.

45 min meditation today as well. Bad mood before the sit, but the momentum in the sit was amazing and immediately everything starts to dissolve into vibrations and lights, and it feels like all my problems just flows through me and are dissolved into a beautiful peaceful flowing vibrating state where nothing is fixed.

After the sit - a huge wave of grief and stuff.

I've been doing lots of other practices these last years - yoga, just sitting meditation, therapy, wim hof method, mantra and devotional singing, etc, since last time my focus was on "the progress of insight" practice, but looking back from the perspective I see things through when I'm involved with vipassana practice again, it feels like everything else is just chasing one identity or another, and now, once again, I'm turning directly towards the process of deconstructing identity, and it feels awfully confrontational at times, but it also feels like I'm completely running out of steam when it comes to trying to avoid reality simply as it is.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation. Sort of calm and peaceful meditation, but I was also working through a lot of aversion. Didn't reach equanmity.
Today: 45 min meditation. Same material. Reached equanimity at the end.

I very much like Shinzen Young's understanding of using vipassana to break up "frozen energy" in ones body / mind process. Tuning into impermanence of all phenomena in the field of experience, and the field itself, and that makes it start to vibrate and move around. It feel amazing to start to break up old patterns, and uncovering new ones because of increased sensitivity, and to keep on exposing all of this to that process.

Maybe one of the most the most interesting things these days is that "neurotic perfectionism" regarding my vipassana technique is also starting to dissolve. I'm getting more and more convinced that this is working pretty well even though my technique is far from perfect.

Today: 30 min meditation in the morning, and 45 min in the afternoon.
Great stuff. I'm just continuing to "vipassanize" everything. What is most striking these days is that there is a much greater willingness to just vipassanize, outside of formal practice, all the worries, anxieties, self-doubts and negative self-perceptions that my mind keeps churning out.

Nice!

Thank you :-)

I walked through the forest on my way home from working night-shift just now. It was beautiful 45 minutes slow walk. Filled with meditative experiences. First I felt like the qualities of jhana was suffusing my experience of walking in the present moment, really softening me up and making the mind peaceful, then I started becoming fascinated with the "self-liberating" aspect of phenomena, noticing how various types of suffering self-liberated when I became aware of it, and I became aware of most of phenomena very quickly while I was walking slowly, enjoying the beautiful nature, and breathing deeply and taking in the beautiful scenery around me while staying connected with the body. There must be some deep emotional healing going on because it is so much more available to just open up my chest, breathe deeply and receive all the emotions I usually resist. Towards the end of the walk, when I was entering the city again, reality started to get a crispy crystal like quality to it, too. Maybe what is the most comforting thing about experiencing these equanimous states these days is the lack of this "wow factor." For many, many years I had a huge problem that whenever I was building energy in my meditation it would lead to me getting high, almost manic, and this was a huge distraction from keeping a stable practice going. Some kind of spiritual bi-polarism was going on. So it is a huge relief to feel more balanced now. But to be on the safe side I can continue to dig into the feelings of pride and superiority that sometimes (often) still arise pretty strongly when my practice is going well. This was not a problem during this forest walk. I was getting lots of glimpses of feeling really nice compassion for all living beings, something I rarely do. Today I was feeling compassion even for the snails on the forest path. Hehe. That is a new experience. It was pretty nice. I hope my heart can continue to open up more :-)

Yesterday: 1 hour sit. 4th Jhana / Equanimity
Today: 45 min sit. There was energy, well-being, and concentration, but still my mind wouldn't quite settle down like it did yesterday. There was somehow too much restlessness in the mix. It bothers me that I still get disappointed by expectations, but I'm working on vipassanizing these sensations. Looking back on yesterday it is as if I was high on stillness, somehow.

Wednesday, Thursday & Friday (today): 45 min sit per day. Good momentum in all sits leading into 4th Jhana / Equanimity landscape. Today the stillness went the deepest. Interestingly enough my mind outside of meditation has been pretty uninterested in just settling down in the present moment. Back to a sense of restlessness and chasing. But there is still that strong sense of futility with this "samsaric mind activity." At the same time there is something comforting about my "everyday mind" returning again after what was seemingly a very strong opening which lead me to start journaling here again. I'll continue to try to just vipassanize all the sensations that makes up whatever I'm experiencing, even chasing, resistance to the present moment, believing there is something wrong with "everyday mind," judging myself for not being present enough, etc.

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice concentration. It was interesting with the reflections I did yesterday. I think I uncovered a way that I'm judging my experience that made it easier to be inclusive about more of the everyday boring sensations. I guess when I'm alternating between different kind of mind states, especially ranging from very expansive to very contractive ones, there is a structure in my mind that is compartmentalizing them into what I like to cling to and what I like to try to push away. So I'm imagining that this sort of structure can gradually get more leveled out as the ability to be more inclusive continues to develop.

45 min meditation yesterday, and 45 min meditation today. Dark night material both days that is soothed by concentration. Yesteday the concentration was not so soothing. There was stillness and well-being in my body, but it was like I was tense at the same time. The concentration felt kind of "cold." Today the concentration was more "warm." Like it is really soothing and nice. Challenging material was assailing me from all directions, but I could let it melt into this nice concentration. When I'm saying concentration it is not something I intentionally lock down on, but investigation through vipassana starts to dissolve my experience into vibrations and the visuel field behind closed eyelids turns brighter, so it is like I'm sitting there as this flowing, peaceful (more or less), bright, energy ball.

45 min meditation today as well. Not so strong concentration today, so I was sort of in and out of it, but I was noting pretty well even though I was drifting here and there. What was really nice about it was that there was little disappointment with it. I'm really tired of chasing mind-states and the whole rollercoaster of attachment and aversion it triggers depending on the result, and it was super-nice to just be completely fine with a not so good meditation.

45 min meditation today as well. Very good concentration today. Still some flushing out of very uncomfortable feelings, but they were easy to dissolve into this soft and peaceful mind-state.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation. Plowing through dark night material I think.
Today: 45 min meditation. A little bit of the same, but with more concentration and flow.

Yesterday: 45 min meditation. The same as the two previous days.
Today: 45 min meditation. The same, but finally a feeling that I was coming through at the end of the meditation.

I general, something is obviously triggered, and there is resistance towards it. It makes me want to give up on the whole thing. I haven't felt like a "powerful dharma practitioner" at all these days, like I did only a few days ago, but it was nice there was a feeling of coming through to something at the end of this sit and things are starting to make sense again. And it helps to make sense out of it by conceptualizing it.

45 min meditation today as well. Nice. Concentration is back. Gosh. That was some challenging days. Like a dry dessert of nothing. Existence just feels so confrontational these days, and I feel stripped from my old escape mechanisms, so when the lubricant of concentration is gone, it feels like I have absolutely nothing at all to hold onto. In a strange way the suffering is not so dramatic either (I have suffered much worse in the past), but it is just completely inescapable.

Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday: 45 min meditation per day. Nothing new to rapport.