Starting a new thread as the last one was getting long.

​​​​​​​3/18
Slept 00:00-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:45 noticing any effort to manage experience and letting go as best I can. Some discomfort and some pleasant feeling, I’m glad to have taken this approach and wish I’d had it more in mind during the retreat. It’s a fine balance to keep, letting go without seeking that emptiness i had experienced before or trying to recreate what I think a good sit ought to be. 
7:50-8:50 Zhan zhuang wk13d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
9:30-10:45 not especially comfy or uncomfy, just kept asking myself what am I supposed to be doing here? And remembering just dropping the doer and letting it all be as it is
22:10-23:00 really feels like the work rn is about cultivating patience and dropping expectations. The terms “do nothing” and “just sit” are sinking in deeper and taking on greater meaning. Anything I try to do or not-do, any effort I make, anything I try at all, i have to drop it because it leads nowhere. I can’t DO anything to make anything happen, to create progress, because there is no “me” to do anything anyway. The phrase “nothing to do” to me now isn’t about literally never doing anything, it’s about repeatedly (and, in general, subtly or even subconsciously) recognizing that there is no “me” to “do” anything. I’ve been through periods in my practice where it feels like I’m banging my head against a wall, and for now this is my wall. Just continually giving up effort, continually surrendering and trusting in existence, in life, which I’m a part of but not at the center of. 

So nice!

So ... are you awakened?  

3/19
Slept 1:30-6:15 did pt
6:35-8:40 pretty calm, a few mildly pleasant sensations passing through, continuing towards less judgement/evaluation while still paying attention and noticing. In the middle there was a period of deep calm, almost like torpor but not quite. I think I have more acceptance for the process and am succeeding in bringing fewer expectations to the experience. I’ve gotten some v helpful feedback from K, his support continues to be so valuable. 
8:50-9:45 Zhan zhuang wk13d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
10:30-11:45 again a fairly smooth sit attending to thoughts sounds and body sensations. Some mild discomfort in the butt muscles and some mildly pleasant sensations, mostly in legs, hands, and a little bit in heart area, all coming and going with attention
22:05-22:45 and now I am a broom: very sweepy. Glad to have a retreat day tomorrow

3/20 retreat day 
Slept 23:00-6:50 did pt
7:10-9:15 the balance of refining awareness or sharpening clarity while maintaining indifference or non attachment; there’s a difference between indifference and apathy; noticing and seeing clearly without judging or interpreting, that seems to take some finesse; and of course compassion for all beings without any involvement. I think that was part of the teaching from the wild rabbit. In the moment I didn’t deliberate about it, it just seemed like the right thing to do so that’s what I did. The other teaching was impermanence, obviously. I didn’t think about how these could be this creatures final moments although he didn’t survive the night, I just did what seemed like needed doing and I feel privileged to have been able to give him some care and safety. But it’s a reminder that we’re not in control of what will happen, all things have an end and we don’t know when that may come so just do what you know is what needs to be done and drop the rest. 
============
It’s not about caring vs not caring, nor is it about not caring vs not not-caring, it’s about dropping everything and simply being. Being present, being aware, and noticing 3C’s and being mindful can produce an automatic response, no thinking required. I keep thinking about how Dipa Ma is quoted as saying that ultimately total mindfulness and total metta are the same. 
10:10-11:45 awareness without effort, being without effort, these things take no effort, it’s the story making and selfing and avoiding discomfort that takes effort, and it’s the judging and evaluating, the striving for understanding and for progress that takes effort. I guess it all goes back to the desire to exist, to survive. 
12:00-12:55 Zhan zhuang wk13d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
14:10-16:00 this deep calm came again, similar to torpor but not as heavy or delicious feeling, still pleasant but more like an absence than something additional
16:20-17:00 walk
17:25-18:10 awareness of the mind gripping, holding on, but holding on to what is not clear. This tends to not be a great time of day for sitting, maybe I’ll try lying down. 
After reflecting for a few minutes I can start to see that that discomfort with the mind gripping is exactly where I need to be right now, even if I can’t clearly understand what it’s holding onto. Maybe this is the best time of day for practice after all. I can’t be running away from the discomfort, I need to sit with it and experience it fully for as long as I can, until I’m able to rest in it. 
18:40-19:35 annoyed with myself for giving up but glad for the effort and the day isn’t over yet. there’s only so much dog barking and car alarm and horn honking i can take when I’m also surrendering to awareness. I don’t even feel uncomfortable physically, just like the process is kind of hampered by these conditions. But it’s what I have available to work with so work with it I shall. 
21:20-22:00 now I find myself feeling impatient for the discomfort to appear and even slightly disappointed when it’s mild. What’s really getting to me the most is the horns honking, car alarms going off for no reason and dogs barking incessantly, that’s what I need to be sitting with I guess. 

3/21
Slept 23:50-5:25 did pt
5:45-8:00 noticing slightly less annoyance with noises from dogs and cars, even smiling inwardly a little, because how are those noises so different from the noise of the birds or the rain?
8:15-9:10 Zhan zhuang wk13d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
9:45-11:00 got to the calm place and from there to discomfort and then I remembered that I kind of overbooked my day and told a lot of people I would do a lot of things today
Stayed up too late and did too many things but feeling good about it all. Big day tomorrow so not sitting before bed just going to bed. Good night lovey springtime world

3/22
Slept 00:30-5:00 did pt
5:20-7:55 got to the calm place and from there to the uncomfortable place, stayed there for a while. Feeling quite calm and peaceful now despite feeling somewhat agitated when I ended the sit
8:45-10:15 about the same as last sit but the cycle played out faster and the neighbors were making more noise this time
10:25-11:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
14:40-15:40 sat w a friend and had some deeply calm moments as well as some unusual trains of fantasy thought.

3/23
Slept 00:20-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:15 two things I’m noticing at the same time: one, the feelings of discomfort, restlessness, or impatience are either diminishing to where I’m still aware of them but they’re more mild, or I’m reaching a new level of tolerance, or both, or I’m just too low-energy this morning to care that much, iow increasing indifference; and two, I’m noticing the pull of the mundane world and feeling ambivalence and some reluctance around it as once again I have a v full day ahead and why? I need to buy a car so I can go to work. But I know I don’t really have to buy a car or go to work, I can work from home and rent a car as needed. But this is what I decided so I’m following through. 
9:00-11:25 sitting in the attic again and noticing the cold on my face so much less than during last sit. Really didn’t notice it at all until ending. 
16:00-16:55 Zhan zhuang wk14d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/24
Slept 1:20-7:40 no pt
7:45-9:35 this time of day is so much quieter, wow! Still noticing some judgement or at least discomfort around sleeping in so late and also feeling more sensitive to the cold in the attic today
10:15-12:10 such a big difference in the experience of temperature before vs after eating breakfast. Other than that it’s a similar pattern of settling into a deep calm, coming out of that and into awareness of mild discomfort or slight disturbances and sitting with that for a good stretch. 
17:30-18:25 Zhan zhuang wk14d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/25
Slept 23:45-6:05 did pt
6:25-8:15 that was going nicely, the usual pattern and just sitting with awareness of sensations and the occasional thought or sound, and then I got fixated on the cold and started thinking about thinking about the cold and then I involuntarily twitched and figured that was the end of that sit. 
9:00-11:00 sat downstairs where it’s warmer and caught myself slouching extremely a few times. Otherwise all about the same as usual.
11:15-12:10 Zhan zhuang wk14d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

There's a lot of vulnerability and sensitivity that come with the path. It's great to just honor it and accept it. We've got all this karma we've rustled up throughout are life and we need to deal with it. Your practice is great, logs are great, great work

3/26
Slept 1:00-6:45 did pt
7:05-9:10 no deep calm and no intense restlessness, just sitting so much thinking just a vague feeling of slight unease which I assume is related to my increasing involvement or attachment with gross phenomena. Going into this sit my intention or thought to explore was dropping all conscious effort and simply observing.
10:05-12:05 if I can’t drop mundane concerns entirely can I hold them more softly or loosely? Can I allow some space to permeate? Yes. 
18:25-19:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Thank you for this timely and compassionate response, Bahiya. It's a comforting and helpful reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not here to have an easy time all the time but it's the only project that matters more to me than any other.

K has reminded me that it's literally the hardest thing a human can set out to achieve, and has referred to it as "the hero's journey." I really appreciate the encouragement and support and I feel very grateful for this forum and the good people who read and contribute. 

Somewhat unrelatedly, I was wondering the other day if it's called the Noble Quest not because it's such a worthy pursuit but because it involves so much sitting still? Like, noble, as in inert?

3/27 retreat day
Slept 00:45-7:30 no pt
7:35-9:00 more music than usual, maybe bc I have concerts tomorrow and Saturday. Still feeling vaguely uncomfortable with sleeping in so late and missing the predawn hours although I love how quiet the neighborhood is at this time of day 
9:45-11:55 just sitting, no big feelings or sensations, not much thought, again more music than usual and a few itchy pinpoints that came and went. I think of the itchy sensations as “intense neutral”
12:00-13:05 lying down, was thinking about how I would or should react if someone made a mess out of my bedroom. Now I’m going to clean up the dogshit someone left on the sidewalk in front of my house. 
14:05-16:35 more just sitting wo expectations or anything big happening. Sometimes I think I need to pay closer attention to what’s going on and not allow myself to drift off, but then I think it’s probably best to err on the side of allowing than to bring any “should” into the process. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk14d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:20-19:55 walk
20:45-21:25 more thinking than usual, remembering old friends and thinking about the many facets of the project with the upcoming deadline

3/28
Slept 23:40-4:10 did pt
4:30-6:20 I don’t understand how using earplugs affects the experience other than that it more or less eliminates the field of external hearing. Still had lots of music going on
6:25-9:00 lying down alternately meditating and napping. Feeling kind of lazy and reluctant to face the day even though it’s full of things I enjoy
9:45-11:15 feeling tormented by deadline. I find myself longing to live a fully pointless life 
15:10-1605 Zhan zhuang wk14d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/29
Slept 1:15-4:40 did pt
5:00-7:35 remembering that awareness requires no effort, it is always there. In a very letting-go-of-personal-discipline move last night I ate two big pieces of cake right before bed and surprisingly slept just fine (until my neighbor started playing loud music from his truck at 4:30) but sitting this morning there was a lot of digestive activity and a delayed sugar rush which was all lots of fun to observe. Towards the end of the sit I noticed what felt like a brief moment of calm or a more pronounced stillness. 
8:35-9:45 overall more peaceful but in the end the pull of the mundane world and the day ahead full of goals and activities trumps the peacefulness!
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

3/30
Slept 1:00-8:05 did pt
8:25-10:15 nice, fewer thoughts and less music with those concerts now behind me. Still have tasks to attend to today. Less guilt for sleeping in so late and more  sense of mild surprise and acceptance 
11:05-13:05 it’s nice to be less bothered by car horns etc but when the neighborhood children suddenly start screaming bloody murder that’s another thing. Still, like all phenomena, it comes and goes. 
20:05-21:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/31
Slept 00:40-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:20 progress is so nonlinear. Or at least it’s not a straight line. I’m feeling the pull towards stillness and abandonment yet I’m caught in a period of activity and pursuit, during which I’ll aim to maintain stillness and abandonment internally. 
10:05-11:35 v few thoughts other than the occasional to-do item, body sensations are also few and far between but generally v mild and fleeting and vaguely pleasant when they’re present 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:15-4:25 did pt
4:45-6:45 noticing the effort involved in  prodding and poking at the mind as a way of “doing” awareness and letting that go. Awareness takes no effort, is always there, and doesn’t have to look a certain way to be real. 
7:35-9:30 same as last sit, remembering there’s no need to play detective, simply notice whatever’s present and be there. 
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:20-6:40 did pt
7:00-8:30 the usual patterns 
9:15-11:20 slowly moving between presence and absence of thoughts, loving the sound of the rain and wishing I could just sit all day and not have to run errands, noticing some brief leg cramps, not painful just surprising 
22:10-23:05 Zhan zhuang wk15d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this after sauna and have so much less body tension than usual 

4/2 retreat day
Slept 00:45-6:50 did pt
7:10-8:50 leaving for tour tomorrow and finding it hard to stay in the present and not think about the tour and all the packing and preparing I haven’t done yet
9:35-11:40 slide into reclining position for the last half hour or so and sort of lucid dreamed but without any enthusiasm 
13:45-15:10 Todays recurring pattern is to sit and settle for a while, experiencing some v mildly pleasant sensations and eventually dropping all thinking. After some time thinking returns and it seems like it’s time to get up and be somewhere else for a bit. 
15:20-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk15d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:00 walk
17:00-18:00 different pattern this time. Didn’t ever really stop thinking though the pace slowed down gradually and then I started thinking about thinking and that was just the end of it. 
19:50-20:20 distracted by the need to pack for this tour and frustrated by the conflicting desires for peace and stillness vs for friendship and music and accomplishments

4/4 day 1 of tour 
Slept 23:00-3:45 did pt
4:05-6:10 cam out of that sort of disoriented. Noticing that this isn’t an “easy” period of practice for me and grateful to remember that growth is rarely easy. 
6:55-8:10 not trying to do or achieve anything is so much better than wishing or waiting for anything 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this outside after a long drive

edited date, somewhere I missed a day and got off. Back on for now!

4/5 day 2 of tour
Slept 00:20-5:20 did pt
5:40-6:50 started to feel like I was going to fall out of the chair so lying down now 
6:50-7:50 sleepy 
8:40-10:40 found a better chair to sit in. Started noticing physical discomfort only in the last few minutes. 
11:00-11:55 Zhan zhuang wk16d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/6 day 3 of tour
Slept 23:50-4:45 did pt
5:05-5:50 same as yesterday 
5:50-7:20 lying down, in and out of sleep
8:05-9:15 got into pleasant relaxing feelings followed by awareness of sounds from the people living here and noticed the sounds not fading away but just taking up less space in my awareness and later coming back in though they never stopped. I guess awareness is broadening effortlessly?
9:20-10:15 Zhan zhuang wk16d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/7 day 4 of tour
Slept 23:45-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:05 that was nice. It’s quieter here and there’s just one vibes consistently chirping outside the window
7:10-8:10 lying down mostly sleeping
8:45-10:20 sitting next to a busy road is the same as sitting next to a stream or brook. I sat through several sudden noises but when I heard my friend playing the piano downstairs I couldn’t stay still. 
11:40-12:35 Zhan zhuang wk16d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
Noticing an increase in the ability to make a decision, eg accept or decline an invitation, with less deliberation simply knowing that whatever happens will be the right thing. Only afterwards reflecting that even a month ago I would’ve behaved differently, either exercising some kind of rigid disciplined approach ie knowing the answer before hearing the question, or else laboring over the decision and being unsure about it afterwards.

4/8 day 5 of tour
Slept 23:50-5:40 did pt
6:00-8:00 peacefulness and absence of thought, absence of consciousness, a small moment of physical discomfort at the very end and overall feeling comfortable and unhurried even amid momentary discomfort.
8:50-10:50 v similar to last sit but w less physical discomfort, almost none at all. Also noticing the dreamlike quality of mental objects in both this sit and last. 
11:25-12:20 Zhan zhuang wk16d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside so nice, less tingling in fet and legs but still getting that feeling of energy pumping through the whole body 

Reflecting at end of day after last show of tour how whenever you think you know your path and you've made your decision life will present you with options that would gratify old you as if to say, "Are you sure that's what you want? Are you sure, even when you could have this instead?"

Barefoot outside... So nice !!

4/9 day 6 of tour 
Slept 23:45-3:50 did pt
4:05-5:55 no longer sitting with no agenda. I have to get on the road today by a certain time and that changes everything somehow
6:40-8:00 there was a v brief moment today and also yesterday of being disoriented like where am I and what am I doing here? Not a stressful feeling, more like a recognition of losing something and then immediately letting go of the question. 
18:35-19:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minI’m at a spa and did this practice in the “oxygen room” whatever that was. Felt good as usual, barefoot on wood floor felt a lot of pressure in the feet. 
21:35-23:05 relaxed body (+ earplugs) -> relaxed mind

4/10 day _ of tour
Slept 23:25-2:00
2:15-3:25 in big recliner 
Slept 3:30-6:20
7:10-7:55 in big chair 
8:00-9:10 lying on couch. This place is kind of silent at times and unpredictably kind of noisy at times 
9:15-10:10 Zhan zhuang wk16d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Just got home and getting ready for bed. Going on tour is a whole lot to unravel. It was always the goal until recently and now the pendulum has swung past the middle to where I don't want to do it nearly as much but I still want to, at least to unload all the records and merch I have sitting in my house. But I had a really good time and I'm doing it again in a few weeks for twice as long. Bringing my special meditation chair with me was a good move, and not filling every day with activity was also good. Just a lot of ambivalence about the whole thing, but at least I know I'll have some retreat time this summer and three months again this winter. 

4/11
Slept 00:10-4:55 did pt
5:10-7:10 almost strangely comforted by the cold attic and noisy neighbors. 
8:00-10:10 sitting upright downstairs where it’s warmer and repeatedly catching my head drooping. Otherwise whatever is going on is too subtle or me to be able to describe even for myself, just sparse shreds of thoughts, the absence of thought, neighbor playing loud music, awareness of that coming and going, consciousness fading in and out
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

Of all the delusions time is such an odd one, especially the sense that one can have any control over it (or over anything, for that matter). What a strange invention, the concept of time. 

4/12
Slept 00:05-6:50 did pt
7:05-8:35 sitting downstairs 8:35-9:35 lying down10:15-11:15 sitting downstairs, wish I could stay longer but have to go to work
16:45-17:35 thought I could sit with the sun going down but I need to go outside and do qigong before dark
17:50-18:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outdoors feels so much smoother energetically 

4/13
Slept 00:30-6:25 no pt
6:30-7:50 low energy, stayed up late and slept in, feeling lazy today
8:30-10:30 more of the kind of doing nothing that I want to be doing, less resistance 
10:35-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe earth is so welcoming to bare feet and accepting of all energy!
Parents are out of town so taking a retreat day tomorrow and staying at their place which I anticipate will be quieter than mine. 

4/14 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-6:50 did pt
7:15-9:05 still, sleepy and warm here but there’s a bell that goes off outside the window every fifteen minutes or so, confusing. 
9:40-11:15 letting the sound of that bell function like the ubiquitous mynah birds in Aldous Huxley’s utopian novel, Island, who cry out “Here and now!”, “Wake up!”, and “Attention!”
11:15-13:00 nap, dreams about food
13:30-15:30 this place is not significantly quieter than my house, the loud noises are different but it’s still nice to be in a place that’s essentially empty of my effects. 
15:45-16:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minQuite windy today, noticing contrast bt inner sensations of qi moving and outer sensations of wind on skin and nearly blowing me over a couple of times!
16:45-17:20 walking, noticing the usual ever changing body sensations, visual and aural fields and today the smells of flowers everywhere!
17:25-18:30 physical discomfort is increasingly rare these days, mostly I’m noticing a tendency to linger with sounds and mental objects, especially expectations 
19:35-20:30 the struggle now is with attachment to a goal of any kind. I can see it, feel it, and tell myself to drop it but it persists. The effort to give up all effort continues. 
22:10-23:10 finally started to really let go but too late in the day to stay awake. Patience! Progress doesn’t follow a straight line. 

4/15
Slept 1:30-6:45 did pt
7:05-8:30 I’m gonna go home now. It’s been nice sitting in a different place but I also see the value in sitting in the same place as usual. 
9:30-12:00 noticing that feeling like I’m waiting for something coming and going. When it’s absent the body and mind experience pleasure or nothing at all. 
21:05-22:00 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/16 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-7:45 no pt
7:50-9:30 wishing i hadn’t gone back to bed after i woke up, I didn’t need more sleep. Still this was a good sit with v little thinking, mostly only noticing neighbor noises
10:10-12:35 a longer period without any thinking followed by a period with more thinking
13:35-15:10 mostly nothing and v occasional slightly pleasant or unpleasant sensations. It started to get warm in the attic, bringing the sit to an earlier end than planned. 
15:15-15:35 walk
15:35-16:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:45 walk, tea 
17:50-18:55 mental activity increases exponentially at this time of day for some reason. Sitting, noticing, allowing, and eventually getting caught up in expectations again and pulling the plug. 
19:00-19:20 walk
19:20-19:50 diminishing returns? The stream of mental chatter isn’t exactly a fire hose, space is observable, but the rate at which thoughts are arising is so much higher than it is earlier in the day and I’m not as prepared to sit through it. 
21:40-22:40 what a world of difference it makes to take a bath and shower and then sit with no expectation! Body just felt amazing from ending the shower with cold water, sitting felt great. 

4/17
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:05 I got overcome with thoughts about the day ahead and the upcoming events and tour but until then it was a pleasant sit with thoughts mostly absent and only the sounds of neighbors car horns punctuating the silence 
9:00-10:10 having gotten through a cycle or two of feeling like I’ve had enough and letting that feeling pass I assumed I’d have sat for longer but nature calls. It’s odd how the mind tries to keep track and “achieve” a “good sit” doing nothing even as there is no goal and nothing to do. 
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

4/18
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:20 one big cycle of dropping mundane experience, increasing awareness of space, stillness, followed by a return of gross sensation and mundane thoughts accompanied by a mild restlessness that manifested in the form of needing to yawn and stretch, which I eventually gave into and ended the sit a minute and a half before the bell was set to go off. 
9:05-11:00 steady stream of thoughts, no absence of consciousness but just observing the mental activity ebb and flow. Mildly pleasant body sensations coming and going mostly in legs, also in chest and arms. Again, very little to no physical discomfort but feeling the meaninglessness of the mental activity at the same time as observing the self that finds these thoughts to be important leads to a subtle mental discomfort that I’m learning to sit with. 
Response from K re this: Staying genuinely in the process of being will slowly, gently do the transformational work—trust that mysterious development. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/19
Slept 00:45-4:55 did pt
5:20-7:25 quite drowsy, inclined towards reclining several times but stayed put, v mild pain in tailbone, not much thinking just conscious of drowsiness and asking am I falling asleep? Am I dreaming? Feeling slightly disoriented and slightly like I’m indulging and eventually just being. 
8:10-10:30 came back to self consciousness with the physical need to pee which led to asking can I keep sitting a while longer anyway and noticing other thoughts quickly arising and passing. Quite a comfy sit now that the attic isn’t cold anymore and isn’t yet too hot. 
10:40-11:35 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe balloon time goes by fast when the attention is focused on relaxing every part of the body, especially wherever tension is present

4/20
Slept 00:40-5:25 did pt
5:50-7:50 similar to yesterday’s fist sit of the day, noticing some neighborhood noises yet staying in the flow. Some frantic musical thinking/dreaming just before the bell
I was at a big social event last night and despite it being lovely and uplifting I am feeling the pull towards letting go in off-cushion life more strongly, not just dropping ambition but also letting go of the social and professional connections I’ve been cultivating for the past 10-20 years and, more importantly, the expectations I’ve been associating with those connections. 
8:30-10:25 much the same as yesterday's post breakfast sit, and that’s how long it took for 1.5 liters to reach my bladder. (I didn’t sit with the feeling of needing to pee for as long as i did yesterday, it’s too distracting.) Theres a sense of wanting to get back to it but also an awareness of what could be the beginning/deepening/continuing merging of the on- and off-cushion experience.
Ah it seems my out of town guests have left the house so I will go back upstairs and sit a while longer!
10:30-11:40 more of a steady stream of thoughts which I trace back to a sense of seeking — in the gross sense I was looking around the house for my friends, and in the subtle sense I was looking to get back to that state of letting go that got interrupted in the last sit. 
11:45-12:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minOutside + in the sun + barefoot = what a world of difference 
Had a nice visit to the beach, talked with an old friend on the phone, took care of some basic chores and intended to sit before bed but binged on social media instead. No plans at all tomorrow so will likely have at least a partial retreat day. 

4/21
Slept 00:45-7:40 did pt
8:00-10:05 having gone back to bed for another hour after initially getting up at 6:30 i experienced less drowsiness and more mental activity during this sit but stillness and peacefulness prevailed. 
10:45-13:15 similar to last sit, plenty of activity and some extended periods of stillness as well. No physical discomfort until after the timer went off and I realized my back felt a little tight. 
14:15-15:05 this whole time I’ve been sitting a little dog has been barking nonstop just outside the window, sounding tortured. How can I be the only one in the neighborhood who minds? I thought I’d just sit through it but it’s too distracting for me at this stage. 
16:25-17:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot in the park with the big trees I tried circulating energy with a tree as described in the book and it felt like a gentle energy shower when I wasn’t distracted with other thoughts, sights and noises. Also quite windy today. 
I’ve always been very attuned to the aural field and as the weather gets warmer the sounds of life increase in volume and persistence but I’m noticing I’m more sensitive to sounds than ever. I want to interpret this as another invitation to surrender since there’s nothing I can do about it other than to wear earplugs all the time. 

4/22
Slept 00:20-5:10 did pt
5:35-7:15 just sitting
7:50-10:20 when the neighbors start playing loud thumping music it’s so different from any other kind of noise because I just get stuck on it and then it’s a spiral of thoughts, asking whether to just get up now or stay with the experience. I stayed with it for a while longer than usual but still got up a couple minutes before the timer was set to go off. 
21:00-21:55 Zhan zhuang wk17d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/23
Slept 00:15-5:30 did pt
5:55-8:15 v slightly more agitation than the past few days, like 2% more. Sat 15 min longer than usual and felt like I could’ve gone longer but also had moments where I was thinking why am I still sitting here? And letting that thought go. Rn I’m recalling the Alan watts passage about the meaningful life being empty of experience, iow pointlessness is the point. No need for a reason to keep sitting, there’s no wrong way to do it as long as I’m not holding onto anything. There’s nothing to hold onto anyway. 
9:00-10:50 such a lovely silence in the neighborhood punctuated only by the occasional truck backing up or distant train whistle and bird calls yet I’m worried about being late to a lunch date!
15:25-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside w minimal clothing = the best way to do this, by far. Feeling the gentle breeze on my skin is just delightful. 
21:25-22:25 just chill and uneventful, peaceful and sleepy

4/24 - Retreat Day
Slept 22:45-7:35 did pt
7:55-9:50 sounds like some kind of loud industrial noise going on outside. K reminded me that you can always “return to the market” but historically a yogi would first leave the city behind and retreat into the woods and I thought, how are the sounds of birds and wind in trees so much different than the sounds of car horns and ice cream trucks and lawnmowers? But yeah they’re pretty different. 
10:30-12:10 sitting with earplugs and feeling ambivalent about it. Otherwise it’s the usual pattern unfolding of sitting and gradually getting into a more peaceful state with less thinking, drifting out of consciousness and just letting go, eventually coming back to consciousness and thought, letting that be as it is and eventually asking what am I doing here, thinking of something else I could be doing and giving up on the project of sitting and doing nothing for the time being. 
12:25-13:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minFeet get so tingly when I do it indoors
14:05-15:30 strange how sitting for a shorter time feels like longer later in the day. That was altogether pleasant and idk why I ended it. Body wanting to move, I suppose. 
16:00-16:40 it’s too hot in the attic but I tried sitting up there anyway. I got up when the sweat started dripping
17:00-17:55 walk
18:40-18:55 as soon as I sat down the noise started. As soon as I got up another noise started. This is not the right time or place. As much as I need silence I think my neighbors need noise. Silence is so uncomfortable for many people. I’m hoping to find an alternative space where I can spend my retreat days. 
19:20-19:50 moved to a different part of the house thinking it would be quieter but it’s not. 
20:45-21:00 it’s impossible right now. I can’t sit with this much noise. I feel like giving up on the whole idea of taking retreat days in this house. 

4/25
Slept 23:15-5:05 did pt
5:30-7:15 sweet blessed silence 
8:00-9:40 the pattern continues and seems to be going faster — within a short time of taking my posture, usually 5-20 minutes I’m guessing, mildly pleasant sensations appear in the body regardless of mental activity. I generally notice it and allow it to be. Mental activity sometimes persists or increases and sometimes decreases or even seems to stop entirely, in which case it eventually returns and I eventually engage in thoughts of doing, purposefulness, etc, until I either let those thoughts be and continue sitting for longer or end the sit. The sense of effortless ease in the body is remarkable to me, though. This has been happening for a while now and I want to understand it or interpret it attribute it to something I’m doing or not doing but again it seems best just to let it be. 
10:15-11:10 Zhan zhuang wk17d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minDefinitely getting easier these days. Sometimes it feels like I’m floating!

4/26
Slept 23:25-5:20 no pt
5:30-7:15 sitting7:15-7:45 lying down
8:20-10:40 feeling more resistance today in the form of bodily fatigue, increased mental activity and restlessness. Grateful  for the ability to see through and sit through it all.
10:50-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk17d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/27
Slept 23:45-5:05 did pt
5:25-7:00 sitting, noticing thoughts occurring at a medium or slow pace with a sense of space in between. No noticeable sensations or total fading of consciousness. 
7:00-7:25 lying down and had sort of a disturbing violent dream that took place in an old pub where dozens of rabid guinea pigs were set loose and attacked the people there but like we were there for that? I saw someone get devoured and a couple of older guys were grabbing the guinea pigs and smashing them against nails in the wall. After the commotion died down I walked around to see if anyone needed help and it seemed like most everyone had disappeared. 
8:05-9:50 similar to last sit with thoughts fading almost completely yet consciousness remaining and some ability to notice the absence of thought and either think about it or not. A couple moments of pleasant sensation arising and passing. Extreme noise from neighbors car alarm going off repeatedly and for extended periods. 
10:00-10:55 Zhan zhuang wk18d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/28
Slept 00:10-4:05 did pt
4:30-6:00 sitting6:00-7:00 lying down 
8:30-11:20 that was more like recent sits. Earlier was drowsiness and disoriented and lying down another strangely violent dream. I was at some kind of a special dinner involving lots of seafood and sausage, sitting between a friend and the husband of a friend; they were fighting and somehow throwing food at each other was part of it. I wonder if or where there is a hidden reservoir of rage that needs to release? It's well possible I've been hiding it from myself for a long time but it's also possible that it's already been partially or mostly or completely released. It's also possible that the dream was nonsense and meant nothing  
11:25-12:20 Zhan zhuang wk18d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/29 - day 1 of tour
Slept 01:00-4:20 did pt
4:40-7:00 feels like a relatively comfortable plateau atm though there are faint subtle hints of discomfort or friction. I have a personal life issue going on that’s basically good news or an amazing opportunity that is just slightly upsetting the nonattachment practice. It’s something to consider patiently and with discernment. I feel like discernment is a piece of the puzzle I haven’t really got my hands on yet. I’m just starting to tap into vast openness and awareness, and discernment seems in some ways to come as a counterpart to a more developed awareness?
7:50-10:00 a pretty neutral time overall. Noticing the subtlest sense of mental discomfort with the presence of any thinking and a couple of v brief moments of even more slight and fleeting physical discomfort. Noticing that where a year ago I’d have to yawn exaggeratedly now I occasionally take a deep breath and that punctuates the stillness of the moment. I think that happened 3-4x during this last sit. Torpor seems to have become a thing of the past as well, or at least it’s decreased significantly. Feels like the sine waves could be slowly decreasing in amplitude and frequency, slowly leveling out. 
10:45-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk18d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

In my experience, non-attachment is not really about maintaining composure and deliberation. Rather, it's about letting go of our efforts to be any particular way. It's about seeing how we don't direct experience, and instead, experience happens at us. We are at the mercy of ourselves. 

I'm curious what your technique is like, Antei. Are you focusing the mind? Are you dropping tension, and if so, with what frequency? Is there a cycling between focus and distraction? 

4/30 - day 2 of tour
Slept 00:40-6:00 no pt
6:05-7:00 too tired, back to bed. Subtle sense of disappointment from holding the expectation that I could sit in the usual way while on tour
9:20-10:40 that was more like what I’m used to but had to stop earlier than I wanted due to hearing people having a conversation. Why can’t I just use earplugs? Next time…
10:50-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk18d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minPracticed in front of a mirror for the first time and noticed I’ve been holding my hands a bit high in balloon pose 

John, thank you for this helpful reminder.

My practice is simply to do nothing, notice and surrender. Occasionally I'll focus the mind with a few deep breaths followed by counting a few cycles of ten breaths but usually just sit and pay attention to whatever is happening. I'm not intentionally dropping tension, rather, I aim to drop all intentions, especially any effort towards controlling the experience. I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice, more like any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release. 

Re non attachment as a letting go of any effort to control -- I've been internalizing that in my seated practice and am now faced with a sort of dilemma in my off-cushion practice. Read on for more details, and I'd love input on this from anyone else here as well.

Coming out of the three-month retreat I did last winter I am more dedicated than ever to practicing and I've been moving in the direction of making it the central priority in my life, ie slowly dropping anything that isn't either directly supporting the practice or otherwise essential.

Now I just met someone and we're both interested in building trust and intimacy. It's very early but we're already talking about potential long term plans including moving to be closer together and starting a family. 

This is something I've wanted for a long time and like I said it's too soon for me to make any long term commitment but it feels good. The dilemma is that I've kind of let go of the desire to make long term plans, find a partner, start a family, etc, and really sort of got attached to the idea of spending most of my time practicing in solitude, or at least doing one longer retreat and several shorter ones each year and spending my mornings practicing. 

The person I'm taking about here also has a strong practice, though from different traditions, and she's told me that she also wants to make (or continue making) spiritual practice the top priority in her life, with householding/homemaking/family raising the primary method. This seems feasible to me but I hadn't considered it before, and the discussions I've had in the past with my teacher on this topic have led to the advice not to get distracted with side quests and that this phase of my life is available for dedicated practice (eg my parents are in good health, I'm in good health, I don't have kids or any other time consuming responsibilities, I don't need a lot of money and I make my own work schedule).

No one is asking me to give up my dream of dedicated practice now, but it's fair for this person to ask if I'm on board with her vision of living together and starting a family. I really am, I just want to first be able to spend an indeterminable amount of time practicing, like, just until I can realize stream entry. Because that really is more important to me than anything else. Yet I see the value in, and feel drawn towards starting a family. And if I defer the dream of more intensive  practice til hypothetical child/ren are on their own, I'll be in my seventies before I can be fully dedicated, and who knows what my health or other circumstances will be like then. 

I think if I realize SE and have to miss out on this opportunity I won't regret it (bc I can't imagine anyone regretting making any kind of sacrifice for the sake of SE) but I can imagine the possibility of following through with this, not realizing SE in this lifetime and regretting that.  I can also imagine starting a family with this person potentially leading to spiritual progress beyond any expectations I could even have, but at the same time I can hear my teacher saying that intensive solitary practice is the most likely path to SE for most people in his experience. 

 This isn't a decision I need to make immediately but I want to move forward with respect to the insights I've gained from practice and be honest with myself and with her, without being too wishy washy or unclear. Has anyone else had to make a similar kind of choice? I'd love to hear your stories either way. 

Really interesting stuff. It's rare for me to see a pre-SE yogi doing Do Nothing all the time. But I'm a huge fan of that more yin approach.

My experience, even up into third path, was that it wasn't possible for me to just "do nothing" with my attention. It had to go somewhere, whether it was into focusing the mind, or trying to not try, or into relaxing tension that I'd repeatedly put down and then pick up again a couple seconds later. I had an insight late into 3rd path that focusing the mind wasn't necessary, and only then was I able to just sit without any focusing or relaxing.


I'm still a little confused about your technique, forgive me. It seems like there are three possibilities here, and I'm not sure which of the three is true:

(1) you manually focus attention while sitting (see: "sit and pay attention to whatever is happening");
(2) you don't manually focus, but you do manually drop tension (see: "I am to drop all intentions, especially any effort toward controlling experience… any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release");
(3) you neither manually focus nor manually drop tension (see: "I'm not intentionally dropping tension… I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice").

All three are great approaches—and I'd be particularly impressed if you can pull off #3, because I couldn't at your point—but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries between them.



Congratulations on the new match.


That's pretty neat.


Stream entry wasn't my salvation. Things can still be very, very rough. Sotopannas less happy than an average Joe are a dime a dozen.

I can really relate to what you're saying. I hit the A&P shortly before law school and felt a really strong pull toward ordination, for fear that it'd be the only way I could get a life quiet enough to progress. But now I think I was overestimating the volume of daily formal practice I needed for progress. And law school has given me excellent clinging-grist for the insight-mill.

As my quick burst of progress from the A&P to the 3rd has shrunk farther into my rear view window, I realize that this non-duality stuff is much more of a lifestyle than a mission. Less sprint, more marathon. My daily formal practice time has never consistently exceeded an hour. Once you hit stream entry, the small gaps between your activities become amazing, full-on, deep practice. And even the activities themselves are a wonderful test of your attachments.

It's all a bit uncertain, but the only attainment that seems really responsive to brute force and heavy practice is the Arising and Passing Away. (Though that's not the only way to reach it, I suspect.) After that, you're on the wacky railroad, and to increasing degrees, it's less a question of whether you can put in hardcore hours, and more a question of how much freedom you're willing to allow yourself. Do you think you've hit the A&P?

The bottom line, the most important consideration I think, is that no practice will save you from having to live your life. So it's important to cultivate a life you want to live.

I suggest making this decision from the heart, not the head. And I'm not presuming that your heart would choose one option or the other. I suggest not trying to logic and optimize your way through this intuitive, emotional process. Best of luck.

Wise words John.

5/1 - tour day 3
Slept 23:20-6:35 did pt
7:00-8:20 noticing any thinking, hearing or feeling as dukkha. These days it’s rarely unpleasant but it’s all fleeting, unstable, unreliable. 
9:05-10:30 pleasant sensations, v occasional sounds, and thoughts, the usual musical thoughts and contemplation of how all conditioned phenomena are impermanent yet being where I find myself at the moment, ie not a monastic, I still have responsibilities and opportunities in the mundane world and I need to make choices. I don’t know how to make choices about long term plans, other than to sense whether a choice aligns with my values, whether it can be deemed skillful, and otherwise go with the flow and put one foot in front of the other without excessive deliberation. I was also thinking about the Tao as the womb of the universe, the cosmic void from which all things are effortlessly created. Merging with that effortless spontaneously creative emptiness, is that akin to SE?
16:25-17:20 Zhan zhuang wk18d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

I'm still a little confused about your technique, forgive me. It seems like there are three possibilities here, and I'm not sure which of the three is true: (1) you manually focus attention while sitting (see: "sit and pay attention to whatever is happening"); (2) you don't manually focus, but you do manually drop tension (see: "I am to drop all intentions, especially any effort toward controlling experience… any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release"); (3) you neither manually focus nor manually drop tension (see: "I'm not intentionally dropping tension… I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice"). All three are great approaches—and I'd be particularly impressed if you can pull off #3, because I couldn't at your point—but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries between them.

Re my practice, it's 99% number 3. Only rarely do I manually drop tension, I usually just observe it and surrender, mirror-style. Same with repetitive thoughts eg music although for a while I was noting "music" as a way of letting it go. These days I don't have to note it as often, I just observe it and either it repeats for a while or fades, in other words it always fades sooner or later.

I also very rarely focus attention manually. If I do it's unintentional and allowed to happen and pass. Sometimes consciousness dissipates and returns, fading in and out. These days it doesn't feel like torpor as much as it used to, I described it in a recent log entry as the sine wave of experience seeming to flatten out, decreasing in amplitude and frequency.

I've hit the A&P a few times but only once with the support of an experienced teacher and the understanding of what it was, and that was this past winter. (I wish I could share my practice log from that retreat but it's too long.) The others were when I was 14, 19, and 22 years old.

Re sharing your story and your reminder to make my decision from the heart, thank you so much. Reading your words I felt like crying. The truth of what you said really resonates with me.

I place great trust in my teacher, K (who is also 3rd path) as he's been in touch with me consistently for nearly two years now and has supported me through all three of the longer solo retreats I've done in that time. He knows me well and has seen my progress, and I know him well enough that I suspect I know what he'll say when I ask his advice -- he won't try to influence my decision one way or another but he'll likely remind me that in his experience realizing SE takes long hours of solitary practice and anything else may be wonderful but not as likely to lead to SE. He doesn't believe that I've realized SE yet and neither do I, but it's extremely helpful to be reminded that SE isn't everything.

At the end of my last long retreat I told K that I felt called to deepen my practice and really centralize it in my life more than ever, and he suggested I look at where I'm at in life right now as a phase, a limited-time opportunity, and I suspect he'll remind me of that and suggest that if I want to prioritize SE for now while I'm in this phase of life I can always find a partner and start a family later, although for context I am in my early 40's so in some ways that clock is ticking.

I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and I'm very happy to continue this conversation with you. Thank you, John.

<br /><meta charset="UTF-8" /><p>5/2 - tour day 4</p><p> </p><p>Slept 23:35-5:25, did pt</p><p> </p><p>5:50-7:40 felt the usual pleasant sensations in legs and for the first time also in chest but could have just been a chill? Interpreted as pleasant anyway.&nbsp;</p><p> </p><p>8:15-9:55 that pleasant sensation was not a chill. i put on socks and a sweatshirt and it happened again and also spread to the head a couple times. Im not about expecting or chasing pleasant feelings anymore, in fact I’ve almost been missing the discomfort that contributed to the deeper sine waves and the sense of progress, but this is something new and therefore remarkable.&nbsp;</p><p> </p><p>10:05-11:05&nbsp;</p><p>Zhan zhuang wk18d6</p><p>Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min&nbsp;balloon 23min&nbsp;Wu chi 3min</p><p>Thankful for the patch of green behind the hotel and the lovely trees who are so alive and willing to share their energy, and also for all the birds and wildflowers</p><p> </p><p>17:50-18:50&nbsp;musical thoughts very present as I’m about to perform but also a consistently pleasant yet mild sensation in the body, like 30-40% of a full body euphoric experience regardless of what’s going on in the mind. Felt sort of like the body was slowly disintegrating. I’ve experienced the body disappearing several times but it’s always been through a samatha practice of some kind and sort of a sudden noticing. This is gradual and I’m fully conscious of it as it happens. This has been going on for a couple months I guess, and slowly increasing, starting sooner, spreading through more of the body, and lasting longer, and this sit was the first time I described the experience to myself in this way. It’s also slightly&nbsp;reminiscent of the A &amp; P experience I had during the winter retreat but much much milder.&nbsp;</p><p> </p>

Antei,

I read your last few posts (sorry for barging in) but John's advice is excellent. I can also speak from first hand experience that I was probably more miserable as a sottapanna than a pre-strean entry cat.

Obviously, don't stop. You're on the ride, and it sounds like you have great advice. I'm just saying SE was just getting on a raft that led down a great rocky river.

I will pitch in here with fool-hardy meditation advice. I'm very impressed with your ability to try and relax and let things come, I certainly couldn't at that stage. I think I would just note the feelings of relaxing into it as well.

Best of luck, may your journey be fruitful,

Jim

5/3 - tour day 5
Slept 23:40-6:35 no pt
6:40-8:30 had another violent dream last night but sitting was the usual: mildly pleasant sensations and thoughts coming and going, maybe a little more thinking than usual. 
9:15-10:50 same as usual, less mental activity than last sit. 
10:50-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk18d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:55-18:30 approaching zero mental activity, v pleasant

5/4 - tour day 6
Slept 11:25-4:00 did pt
4:25-6:20 idk if it’s the earplugs or the fact that im traveling again in a few hours but the thoughts were pretty nonstop. No manual quieting of the mind, just allowing and seemingly effortless equanimity. Interesting mix of feelings in the body: rootedness and pleasant sensations plus restlessness mostly manifesting as itchiness at specific points. 
7:20-9:10 periods of deep stillness, periods of turbulence, interrupted in the end by natures call. There was a moment when the sense of a self seemed to have shifted or expanded without dropping awareness. It seemed like something new but too subtle to describe or even remember very clearly. 
9:40-10:35 Zhan zhuang wk19d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minFelt unusually easy, like it’s never been this easy before

Thanks for this, Jim. As a pre-SE cat I'm puzzled by how you could be more miserable post-SE. Like if you're freed from the fetter of the illusion of self then where or how does a feeling of misery manifest? Who is there to be miserable?

It's a good idea not to confuse seeing through the phenomenon of not-self and the actual elimination of the illusion.

Chris' response really cuts to the point. Prior to stream entry there was a great deal of confusion, but a very clear goal. When I arrived at SE there was the initial relief of having entered the stream. That lasted for months, actually. Yet as time went on I knew that I hadn't eliminated 'it' but I had seen that it could be eliminated. Somehow that made the problem more insidious for me, and made a lot of my fire from pre-SE times actually worse in some ways.

A lot of this could've been eliminated with a higher focus on morality and concentration, but I just dove back in nose-first like a manic person consuming every book, every podcast, every thing that I could with my improved knowledge derived from SE trying to figure this out. I cycled multiple times, got cool meditative states, and yet all of it was somehow more miserable than just not knowing that it could be done in the first place.  I know none of this necessarily sounds pretty prior to stream-entry, I would be pissed if I was still prior to stream entry and reading this right now.

There is suffering eliminated from SE, no doubt, and you're in the stream and you'll move forward. That's the big thing, and it's worth doing.

Yes, the insights gained from practice often take some time to soak in; days, weeks, months, even years!

5/5 - tour day 7
Slept 23:30-6:00 did pt
6:30-8:20 deep and peaceful until the last ten min or so when there was so much random noise I decided to call it. 
8:55-10:30 got interrupted by my friends telling me they’re leaving the house and thought I could just continue but have to reset
10:45-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk19d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
15:00-17:00 just peaceful and still. Can I just accept the experience as it is? I’m so accustomed to progress via struggle that it can be hard for me to believe progress is happening without explicit difficulty. 

At this stage in life I'm just practicing as much as possible and noticing an attachment to practice despite what could be the beginning of a loosening of attachment to the goal of SE. Even without a clear goal I just have faith that practicing as much as I can is the best thing I can be doing right now, and I'm hesitant to make any decisions that would alter that course for the long term. 

5/6 - tour day 8
Slept 1:00-6:55 no pt
7:00-8:40 v little mental activity, earplugs in, shreds of musical thought here and there, an occasional vague sense of unreality/disorientation, and just before ending the tiniest bit of that old physical discomfort in the tailbone. 
9:25-11:00 much like last sit minus any discomfort, just a syrupy stillness in the body, quite pleasant. 
17:35-18:30 Zhan zhuang wk19d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/7 - tour day 9
Slept 00:00-6:15 did pt
6:35-8:15 using earplugs is really changing the experience. Without any sounds to interrupt it seems like the cycle or pattern I’ve been going through accelerates and I’m just kind of out of it for a good stretch, and when I come back I need to remember what’s happening. 
9:05-11:00 I don’t understand what’s going on but I don’t need to understand in order to practice. All I need to do is notice and allow. Trying to understand is a form of resistance coming from effort. Even noticing is starting to present effort.
15:05-16:00 Zhan zhuang wk19d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/8 - tour day 10
Slept 23:35-4:45 did pt
5:15-7:10 very consistent experience, no ups or downs just flat awareness and the faintest hint of impatience or confusion. Didn’t do anything, didn’t try to expand awareness or tweak the experience in any way, just sat and a couple times wondered what’s going on here iow noticed a desire for understanding. 
7:55-9:35 same as last sit but had to pee. The experience is like 95% nothing much, no remarkable feelings or sounds or thoughts, and 5% noticing this desire to know what’s going on which I see as connected to the desire for progress specifically and generally as another form of dukkha. 
18:55-19:50 Zhan zhuang wk19d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/9 - tour day 11
Slept 00:00-5:15 did pt
5:40-7:40 a long period of little to no thought, no sound and not much sensation to notice followed by some noise coming through earplugs leading to some thinking and restlessness which I stayed with for longer than usual
8:25-10:40 someone in the next room is watching tv or listening to music so Ibused earplugs and over the ear noise reduction and the experience was slightly different. Maybe twice as much mental activity, not chasing the thoughts or following them but seeing them come and go like a little stream. Body relaxed and comfy, no sound except for occasional mental music. 
11:15-12:10 Zhan zhuang wk19d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
I’m starting to question my pursuit of SE. I’m planning to talk w K about it next week but I’m getting the feeling that what will come will come and it’s best to practice without expectations. Hearing people say SE is no picnic doesn’t change my mind, it’s more that it can’t be forced. Can it be intended? Can it be a goal? Or do I just forget about it and practice with no goal, ie, the path IS the goal, and perhaps as has happened to me several times before, once I truly let a desire go the fulfillment of that same desire becomes readily attainable. 

5/10 - tour day 12
Slept 1:20-5:40 no pt
5:50-6:50 going back to bed
Had a real big time at the show last night with old and new friends. Felt great about it but also get v tired at the end and now I’m seeing the effects on my practice. But am I being too precious about my practice? As long as I can go on retreat for extended periods it’s probably better not to worry about how much sitting I can get in to non-retreat days, as long as I don’t drop it entirely. 
The last time I went on tour I had no question about practice, but it was a much shorter tour, just a couple weeks after the long winter retreat. 
9:00-11:00 v still and peaceful w almost no mental activity most of the time. At the end I noticed that my feet and hands had disappeared but I could still feel my butt and back, and then I noticed the effort of noticing. Removing hearing protection I was pleased to notice the person in the next room playing loud music that I didn’t hear at all. 
16:40-17:35 Zhan zhuang wk19d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside by the water exchanging energy with a big old tree, sun and clouds and wind, just beautiful 

5/11 - tour day 13
Slept 1:10-6:50 did pt
7:15-9:00 quite flat in terms of sine wave. Noticing a correlation bt not using earplugs and the mildly pleasant body sensations. Slight increase in mental activity in the last 15-30 min but no total absence of consciousness throughout, just a sparseness, awareness of emptiness though not in any kind of special way. 
9:50-11:20 duration of sits tends to decrease when I’m on the road bc I’m less rooted and it always feels like there are things I need to be doing or paying attention to in the mundane world. In any case during this sit I noticed thoughts appearing at a medium rate and gradually decreasing and later increasing again. Not much sound or sensation, nothing especially pleasant or unpleasant. 
12:20-13:20 Zhan zhuang wk20d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minSame spot as yesterday, a bit cooler and less wind. It always goes by faster and feels better to bring the attention  to every part of the body. 
Such a late night for me but so joyous and beautiful. Everywhere I’ve been on this tour I’ve wanted to stay longer. I see so much beauty and kindness and love in the people I meet yet I’m not falling nearly as hard as I used to into old patterns of longing and attachment. Without drinking or smoking i participate fully in these gatherings with some kind of non-aloof detachment. Like it’s possible to be present without trying to hold on to anything, right? That’s what it feels like is happening. Just feeling a lot of gratitude and love and also feeling soooo tired. Long long drives tomorrow and the next day. Wish me luck. 

5/12 - tour day 14
Slept 2:30-6:50 did pt
7:25-8:40 had to move my car before sitting and had an encounter with a neighbor about parking and that and having to get on the road in a few hours make for less than ideal conditions for this practice. Without holding on to any particular thoughts or feelings, just observing and allowing, I still felt like I don’t have enough time to sit as long as usual. Body and mind felt calm nonetheless. 
9:20-11:00 a bit deeper calm than last sit
11:35-12:30 Zhan zhuang wk20d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
20:40-21:40 sitting directly after the combo of hot bath + cold shower starts out with body tingling and feeling wholesome and good, into observing mental activity and eventually dropping consciousness until the timer goes off.

5/13 - tour day 15
Slept 10:10-4:15 did pt
4:40-6:10 one long very shallow wave of consciousness followed by one long wave without. Coming out of it feeling the fatigue of yesterday’s drive. 
7:00-8:25 same as last sit except there were some dream-like stories coming up towards the end along with a sense of urgency.
17:25-18:20 Zhan zhuang wk20d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/14 - tour day 16
Slept 23:10-4:30 did pt
4:55-6:40 same long wave as yesterday but today I can back into consciousness and stayed with that disoriented discomfort and it became more comfortable. New sound: I heard bells like a glockenspiel in my minds ear. And although I sat for longer than usual back on the conscious side of the wave I still allowed worldly concerns to get me up before the timer went off. Tour has been really great in so many ways but I look forward to getting home and back to weekly retreat days.
7:30-9:10 went through a cycle starting above the line, dipping below for a good while, then coming back up and then experienced what seemed like several shorter cycles where thoughts would be present and then emptiness, then thoughts again and back to emptiness, almost abruptly. 
9:40-10:35 Zhan zhuang wk20d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
17:10-18:15 thoughts moving at a moderate tempo, pleasant body sensations spreading all over while the sense of having a body seems to fade in and out, noticing sounds of chickadees and distant cars and the correlation bt sounds and body sensations. Stayed above the line of consciousness the whole time but just barely. 

5/15 - tour day 17
Slept 23:40-5:05 did pt
5:30-7:20 late night last night, going back to bed but this was the usual pattern of dipping below consciousness and back up. 
It wasn’t a particularly late night last night actually, I think I just feel so tired because I’m finally in a place with real quiet, clean air, trees and space, and my body is ready to catch up on rest and let go further than I could in a big city. 
9:05-10:55 dipped again below the line, came back up and sat with a mild discomfort in tailbone before a sense of restlessness got me up
14:10-15:05 Zhan zhuang wk20d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minGot bit by several mosquitoes and focused on the sensations til they changed. Keeping attention on body sensations and consciously relaxing each part is the best 

5/16 - tour day 18
Slept 22:30-5:15 did pt
5:40-7:55 stayed conscious likely due to some mild but persistent indigestion. Moderate mental activity, musical thoughts and other random mundane thoughts, the usual mildly pleasant body sensations were pretty constant. Noticing the correlation bt staying conscious and sitting slightly longer than usual. 
8:55-11:10 again no lapse in consciousness and thoughts coming and going without any effort. Pleasant body sensations throughout and no more indigestion. Occasional feelings of restlessness or desire for understanding coming and going. 
11:30-12:25 Zhan zhuang wk20d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
17:20-17:40 just a short sit, nothing special. I heard my friends come home and want to spend time with them before I leave tomorrow.