well, i just created an account here to ask for advice. i thought about the post, naturally, and i imagined i'd be making an exception. i rarely ask for advice (never) so it would be an exception. now i feel too ashamed about it. or, i felt ashamed about it. for a moment or so. now i'm just fine. at least there's a story to tell, to start the post. almost every day is a bit of a retreat for me. but there isn't really a difference between meditation and not-meditation for me. there's just types of meditation. i had some interesting experiences. in particular with psychic powers. very recently, almost every day, actually. it's fun to write stories about past experiences. especially weird ones. because they sound like fiction, but they're based on real life. i've had some financial experiences. one time, during a zen-like sit, i began to feel peak emotions. something like "better than anything ever felt before". and i had one of my investments go up, surprisingly. i've noticed a correlation between concentration, emotions and resulting experiences. not just this, but also how my perspective on things is. it's been a long time since my last fruition afaik. but probably less than a month. yesterday i just sat down naturally, relaxed naturally, and sat for about two hours. i wasn't able to fall asleep, but i wasn't trying to either. or was i? i don't know.

unfortunately, vipassana makes me more impulsive. not impulsive, that's not the right word. more sensitive? if i'm able to go through some vipassana practice (and it is associated with concentration practice) lots of good things start to happen. one time, i felt like everything came to me, on its own, for an hour or so. maybe just 30 minutes. that experience was a bit of a half-jhana. i don't see that kind of thing talked about anywhere. well, i'd call it a half-jhana. it was very similar to the first jhana, but without absorption, despite being "anchored" to breath.

vipassana is much easier and stronger for me than concentration. in fact, whenever i try to concentrate on something, it disappears. if it's a small object. i can look at a ball for a minute or so, and it disappears. sometimes even less than a minute. of course, after disappearing, things re-appear again. sometimes they can disappear for longer, but it's never "really long". i've had two experiences with disappearing that i would call psychic powers. one time, i was looking at a pillow. until it disappeared. and i practiced really hard, because there were lots of details on that pillow. so, later, it disappeared in "real life". someone took it away. the same thing happened when i tried to do this in public. i was sitting in front of a restaurant and staring at some thing, a small thing. i don't know the english name of it. i was concentrating on it, and this concentration was genuine this time. it was made out of glass, so it was harder to make it disappear. anyway, i came back the next day, and it was gone, which was very unusual. i'm a bit of an amateur, so i don't really know how to choose whether to make something appear or disappear. but, during one concentration practice, after enough disappearences, it began to slow down, and eventually i began to concentrate on the appearence of something. it was a ball. a tiny ball.

sometimes, i know what brain waves i'm having right now. it's mostly visual. when things are pulsating quickly, i imagine those are gamma or hyper-gamma waves. after relaxing deeply, it can be particularly fast. sometimes i can even see when my eyes are closed. it usually happens after deep relaxation, like sleep. and that seeing only last for a second or two. so, i can open my eyes, close my eyes, and see everything for another second or two. then i can blink again, and see it again. eventually that effect wears down.

my practice used to be mostly visual. it's moved on to a sound and my perception of sound is quite good also. again, i'm unable to really concentrate on sound. i don't have real access concentration to it. i do have some weak form of visual-sound synesthesia, so i can hear everything i type, without any effort. not while reading though. just typing. if i were to "concentrate" on sound, like a word, it would soon turn to a focus on disappearence, and i wouldn't notice much appearence of the sound anymore.

i don't have "real" problems anymore, although i still have preferences sometimes and they can get into a conflict sometimes. emotions are very fleeting for me, although i'm smiling most of the time, and i feel a light sense of joy, which often goes up. again, if i were to concentrate on them, they would disappear lol. occasionally there is a weak lurking depressive tendency. it can occur every now and then, but i always handle it calmly, and pay attention to positive things.

i have bad habits coming up very frequently, but each time they become weaker and weaker. it's been a long time (maybe over a month?) since i had my awful vipassana experiences. i've read about the 12 stages or something, was it 16? i thought 12 was fruition. anyway, it's never went in that exact order for me.

i'm also unable to access any jhanas, intentionally, other than just sitting and waiting for them, which could take anywhere from a minute to an hour.

cessation occurs for a ball when the afterimage and the actual ball align. i think that has to do with my eyes being correctly focused on it.
sometimes things turn into something weird. visually. i can't really say much about them, other than what their shape is, based on the environment. it's a state that comes shortly before the cessation of something.

my awareness is very very expansive. i can see the vibration of almost anything. it's more difficult with a screen, or a light bulb (which i'd rather not stare at directly), but i can see the edges of the screen vibrating. it's always the edges. things disappear much more easily when i notice the edges. they sort of fade into the environment. not always though. sometimes they're just black and sometimes they're completely gone, replaced by the environment. i had multiple 12 hour sits and one 11 hour sit, with many sessions being many hours long. but recently i've found anything body-related very very difficult. especially breath meditation, concentrating on the breath. it's been getting easier in the past few days, but it's not very stable. one time, after my first 12 hour sit, i couldn't sleep for 3 days. i just had lots of energy. it was a very difficult sit and took "will-power" lol. there were many cycles of pain growing and growing, and then falling down into strong peace and relaxation. i've had one such cycle a few weeks ago, during a vipassana practice, and afterwards my life felt great, and something good happened to me. writing is one of the few ways to semi-concentrate. i used to practice trataka, mostly. with a dot. not a candle. my first (visual) dissolution happened in a dream and it had a beautiful build-up that i tried to prevent in my dream, but it kept growing and growing, until the whole visual field had disappeared and i woke up. sometimes, i wish for the rain to be gone, and it just goes away. especially when i want to go for a walk. it's a great experience.

my early intentional visual-cessation practices were more interesting. i had colors disappear, so objects became white/black. i've also had details disappear. i've had multiple fruitions, which were not intentional. one of my early cessations happened in my sleep, and i woke up to witness a nightmare in real life. there's something weird about fruitions. or cessations.

one time, after i was tired, i decided to expand my awareness, and my tiredness disappeared. in fact, i had a manic energy. i stayed awake a bit too long, and i had a sudden energy burst, and i was very active during that day, physically. i also took the bus and felt a bit careless. i felt as if all my negative tendencies disappeared. deep ones, like social anxiety.

i wrote quite a bit here, but i write most things in private. i've manifested a girlfriend before, accidentally. later, i've manifested a strange cyber-stalker girlfriend. intentionally. i've reconsidered my relationship-preferences afterwards... i've met lots of unusual people before, and for some time i was even paranoid when leaving my home. i've had people harassing me, in real life, and online. one of my ex-girlfriends, and some friend of hers. perhaps i shouldn't be writing about that. when i write about something, i remember it. when i remember these things, my life often takes a dip, depending on how much attention i pay to them. but it never lasts longer than a day, and my life gets much better very quickly. magic experiences are lots of fun.

i've learned an interesting thing about freedom. there is an interesting balance. when you are free, you can choose to be stuck. i'm also a bit of a scientist, so there is another interesting thing i like about freedom, although i didn't get to the first interesting thing yet. the second intersting thing is the battle between direct knowing and indirect knowing. complete cessation, i would consider that a direct knowing of all reality (theoretically, you can say that you wouldn't know what it's like to not know something, to lack knowledge). otherwise, you only know the present moment. anyway, the first interesting thing is that freedom and choice are kind of polar opposites, and they balance each other out. when you reach cessation, and you have freedom, you have no awareness, but you choose this next moment. when i have freedom, that usually results in choice. maybe i can choose not to choose, in some scenarios, but i would consider that to simply choose a different thing. the "moments" between choices, those are the freedoms. true freedom can not be known directly, afaik. or that would be choice. it would probably help to clarify what i mean by these two things, choice and freedom. will sound a bit like quantum physics. when there is choice, there is certainty, there is one thing, the one thing you chose. when there is freedom, you have not chosen yet, you have multiple options. it might be a, or b, or c, or something else entirely. it can help to assign probabilities to each of those, statistically.

now my mind is kinda blank. not really blank, just somewhat lower energy levels, regarding the writing. not sure whether i want to focus on writing more, or do something else, perhaps going for a walk.

the main point of writing this was to talk about how my vipassana practice makes samatha practice difficult. concentrating on my body is a bit of a strange thing. i have multiple "anchor" points, places which i've concentrated on. for example, hands, elbows, shoulders. sometimes, when relaxing, i can feel my body heating up. if i watched an episode of star trek. lol. i love star trek. M5 was awful. but i can barely concentrate on my breath. it can take multiple hours to get a kind of solid "feeling" for it. when breathing, i notice the sound of my breathing more than the movements of my body. the soft moving of the air.

sometimes i can get into a very intuitive state. when solving sudoku, the numbers just come to me, easily. sometimes. one time, i've speeded through 50 sudokus in a day. another time, i had a very difficult sudoku. i tried lots of different things, concentration, relaxation, vipassana. it took a very long time, but eventually i got a conceptual insight, for how to think differently about sudokus, and how to solve them differently.

i can already notice my screen vibrating a bit more, changing in brightness, pulsating. that usually means that i'm getting more relaxed, and i can use it as a rest signal. if i spend a long time being creative to exhaust my deliberate energy, it can get very fast. i can also notice it more strongly when i look at the wall. i can perceive a lot of details, visually. up to the very small. but i'm not that great at remembering them - yet. that probably requires better concentration.

one time, while practicing vipassana, i've noticed that i saw afterimages which prevented the disappearing of the object. later i've learned that i have to make them align, having the afterimage on top of the actual thing. then they both cease. perhaps this "copying", afterimage, was a form of concentration. but i'm not very good at concentration. i've had illnesses appearing and disappearing. after waking up, i could sometimes notice my body being ill, literally. later, i would go to sleep and wake up to a much healthier body. it has to do with emotions... lol.

another time, i practiced vipassana in public. just sitting, relaxing, enjoying nature, and casually trying to make all of reality disappear. when i got to sound, i quickly noticed more subtle sounds (that's easy for me) and then a man decided to speak to me. he said very little, but he just came there and spoke to me. that spooked me out a bit and i felt anxiety spiking up. then i wanted to be alone, and he decided to go away soon. soon i left too, and went for a walk to reflect on myself. practicing vipassana is much safer in isolation, when you're alone, at home. and bad stuff is more likely when vipassana is done without an anchor. i've started out with my breath as an anchor, as stated in Practical Insight Meditation by Mahasi Sayadaw. later, i've tried a different approach, to just perform vipassana without any anchor. this is how i got here, and it's difficult to get back. at least there is no suffering. lol. it's very difficult to re-gain an anchor.

my life used to be very unstable. my main habit was to avoid having habits. now, i've managed to get into a routine, especially a sleep routine. that's a huge success for me. for the first time in over the past 10 years, i'm having stable sleep. from this instability, i've developed very good self-regulation, to sort of... restrict myself? there's a different word that i can't remember right now. it will probably come to me soon. anyway, there it is. restraining. i'm good at keeping myself restrained. vipassana makes that very difficult though. sometimes, it can feel as if it frees me. other times, it can feel as if it makes bad habits more likely. my life has always moved in this way. get worse, then get better. this has been a consistent cycle in my life. one of the few consistent things. always a dip, and then things get better. another dip, and again better. really like "collapsing" and recovering to become stronger. having a routine feels kind of great. and i'm doing well at holding onto it. it's become kind of "difficult" in the past few days. instead of sleeping, i've been meditating, and only then sleeping. i've had bad experiences with my fundamental urges/wants/needs. sexual, thirst, hunger, social, and so on. even with my breathing, i had a few asthma-like experiences, but those are very rare. the only "bad" things happen when my physical needs spike up. i've gotten to the point at which i feel a lurking sense of hunger, light hunger, but i don't eat anytime soon, because i'm more consistent with my eating. i wake up early, and sometimes i can feel hungry, but i won't eat until later in the morning. i used to over-eat, and i've lost over 50kg compared to my worst dips in life. with food, i've had many occurrences of bad habits coming up, but they always got weaker and weaker over time. all the bad things seem to disappear, gradually, over and over. eventually, i hope, there will only be good things.

i am just a random person. a random person living a random life. sure. lol. i spent the last 80 or so minutes staring at my ceiling. eventually i started to feel more hatred. for the world. then for myself. i am not much different from the world anyway. lol. i am a set of perceptions and reactions to those perceptions, and perceptions of those reactions, leading to more reactions. and all that is eventually called personality. yet, i want to be special somehow. or something like that. anyway, after that hatred, i began to cry a bit. for a minute i thought about how beautiful life is, and how beautiful love is. well, maybe. and i quickly went back to how weird and strange and meaningless everything is, whatever those meaningless words mean. apparently these words had some negative meaning, because i was crying. lol. i cried a bit. very subtle sadness, so subtle i could barely recognize it. a bit of crying, a bit of sobbing. and, all is well. anyway, i felt kind of indifferent. maybe i still i do, i don't know. just a random person living a random life. what else? happy is the one who is nothing.

great progress.

jhana 5 in early april, upon waking up (waking up in that state of consciousness)

april 23 visual no-self experience with flat awareness

april 22 visual dissolution during a fun time at night (going on a walk) unfortunately that made it slightly more difficult to walk back home, because it was dark, at night, 10 pm, and the floor and whole world was disappearing and i could barely see the floor with barely any details

past week had lots of emotional unconditioning, with occasional "hiccups"

just a few minutes before 11 pm. april is ending. but it was a beautiful month. lol. i just had to turn the music volume down a bit. loud music makes it harder to write. for some reason that i do not know. anyway, i just came back from a strong experience of combined visual impermanence and visual no-self (with visual concentration, almost like a jhana, gently expanding, contracting, and being strongly impermanent)

i am very close to the total eradication of fear. having very strong psychic powers makes it extremely obvious to me how my thoughts, ideas and projections about other people and the world affect reality. every now and then i can also notice how past "wishes" or "wants" realize themselves, having forgotten them, mostly.

today, i have gone for a 3 hour walk in the morning. more like 2 hours and 50 minutes. lol. living in ecstasy. lol. that was a fun experience which lead to strong visual impermanence. that was followed by 4-5 straight hours of reading a book. i made an intention to finish the book in one sitting, and so i did that. lol. that lead to a completely different experience. a jhana-like experience. i could notice how my brain-waves were adjusting themselves as i entered into a more and more relaxed and somewhat sleepy state, my delta and theta waves increased, and i became much more stable. however, that process of stabilizing wasn't totally smooth, although it was rather smooth compared to my overall life experiences, it had been cycling between expanding and contracting, but it had also been cycling between more concentration on appearance vs more concentration on disappearance. well, it did stabilize, and it entered a state in which it was able to integrate experiences and memories rather smoothly, although my reading had become slower, and that's why it took 4-5 hours. there were some parts of me that were bothered by that slow reading speed, but that was a small part of me. lol. commitment had priority.

so far, there's 3 very interesting states or intentions to me, dissolution-concentration, clinging-concentration and jhana-concentration (balance).

every day has something incredibly fun. lol

I don't think fear can be eradiacted.




If you'd like to try to figure out where you're at on the MCTB maps — which is not everyone's cup of tea — would you say more about your cessation experience? And your experience of the ñanas. 

recently was the "best" part of my experience. i just felt a bit of excitement, strong excitement, actually. then it faded into solid/stable joy/happiness, as i began writing this.

yesterday was incredible :-)

perhaps the most dense progress i've ever had.

1) further uprooting of fear/anxiety
2) very strong uprooting of anger/hatred
3) uprooting of very subtle dukkha/pain (for a very long time, i'm already living without real "pain" - in other words, all surface-level pain is gone and i have to get very sensitive to experience even subtle suffering)

in addition to that, i've entered an extremely relaxed state with strong delta/theta brain-waves during my 2 hour practice. time felt very distorted, in the range of 10 to 20 times as long. a few months ago, during my early practice the most i've ever experienced (consciously) was time speeding up about 3 times or slowing down to that same extent.

recently i've also been experiencing bodily-fruitions and my visual cortex has been further connecting to my body and especially sound. i've had an integration experience in which attention/concentration has been shifting between vision/sound.

vision has for a long time been my primary point of attention, the last to cease (unless i make it cease deliberately, after which it becomes harder to disappear again) and this anchor seems to be shifting towards a more whole brain.

my left hand is trembling a bit right now, just a bit though. perhaps this is because of the fruitions. i just woke up in a very dissolved state and my brain is still reconstructing all of my experience.

another special thing that happened yesterday was visual fruitions. i felt as if i've been warping through time. i've experienced those visual fruitions during tratakka practice. my typical visual "disappearing" had always been local. i could make things disappear when looking at them for a while and that's something i've been practicing to maintain control over experience without getting lost (which has happened before, many times!) the whole visual field was part of it this time. another thing that happened was that i felt a kind of "doubling" or something strange that i can't really describe. but it felt as if i've experienced a single moment twice? which was a very strange experience. i could literally feel a moment being twice as long as another one, which was very strange. lol. perhaps the strangest thing i've encountered so far.

after those 2 hours, i felt a kind of state which was a mix of extreme bliss/rapture. it wasn't really excitement. it felt a bit like a flat state. there was no clinging to that state either.

now to John:
thanks for your questions!

my first deliberate cessation was a while ago. however, after experiencing more fruitions i've come to realize that i've experienced the same thing in my childhood. fruitions, however i did not realize them as such, because i couldn't compare them to anything and didn't pay special attention to them.

one time, i experienced a fruition in a semi-public place (being social, with my family). that lead me to feel some fear related to fruitions and fruitions have become less common for me after that. this actually happened after i imagined how funny it'd be if i could enter jhana 9 while being social to pretend being in a coma as a joke. this wasn't a serious thought, but nevertheless it seemed to somehow lead to that... and this lead me to have a kind of resistance to fruitions for a while, which has improved as i worked through my fears. A&P's... i'm not sure how to really distinguish between them and fruitions, although there is a different feeling. fruitions have a kind of "jump" between experience and i don't really know much about what an A&P is actually. i just know that i've experienced explosive energy bursts a few times while trying to enter cessation with mahasi sayadaw's practice method. those A&P energy bursts don't last long though, because i can somehow disable that energy again?

nanas... the "worst" experiences were A) the anger/hatred i felt at the whole world and especially people who were close to me during the Review/16th stage and lying paralyzed in bed for literally 10 hours rapidly toggling between strong dukkha and equanimity

https://www.mctb.org/mctb2/table-of-contents/part-iv-insight/30-the-progress-of-insight/

1) the shift in perceptual threshold;2) the physical and mental raptures;3) the emotional and psychological tendencies; and4) the overall pattern of how that stage fits with the rest.

perceptual threshold... i can notice more and more sounds without being really focused on any specific one. so, the integration is progressing. after waking up and having my experience reconstructed again, more and more sounds become integrated throughout the whole day. smell and taste are my weakest senses, however i've been experiencing them more and more recently. i think there's still a few things to "unlock" in perception
rapture is something i experience very rarely. i'm mostly in a state of equanimity (despite feeling emotions) and i barely know anything other than equanimity? there is never any one emotion that i am "full" of, unless i'm working through the practice in a very focused state. well, emotional tendencies, i'm accepting of all emotions, except fear. (emotional perception of/running away from) fear is the enemy of intelligence. lol. in general, i'm feeling that my intentions become realized more and more. i can finally be as determined as i want to be, and express my values correctly. since my childhood, i've had strong adhd tendencies (although my focus could be extremely strong, as with chess tournaments) and it was difficult to stick to one thing for a long time. now i can decide to make an intention, commit, and stick to it. even if it's difficult, as it can be sometimes, in sitting meditation. perhaps i should try another 12 hour sit sometime soon.

how that stage fits with the rest. the fear, it's been preventing visual dissolution for me, after the social fruition has installed fear in me. many times, over and over, i've been seeing visual vibrations (like visual space-time gravity distortions, collapsing in the center of my visual cortex). during which i've been coming close to visual dissolution, but i've had experienced fear and always pulled back a bit.

i find it hard to experience jhanas, if not impossible, always being in equanimity. the only jhana i can ever hope to enter is the fifth. lol.

anyway, time to feed my cat now.

practice has slowed down a bit, and psychic powers have calmed down also.

the main "point of difficulty" atm is energy/concentration.

i am way too relaxed. lol. too stretched out, somehow, but not spread too thin.

rather wide and natural awareness, which actually disables itself. (there is very little sound, even though i'm sensitive to sound, that sound is disabling itself, and, even the most-stable, the visual cortex, is rather impermanent also)

i've went over to think about my relationship to emotions and decided to be more accepting and understanding of emotions rather than dismissing or dissolving them.

concentration makes me too sensitive to emotional issues to sustain it. lol

natural wide awareness has extended from vision, to sound, and is spreading to body now. resulting in an unusually strong base-line perception of hunger and thirst.

the next most important thing is to delve deeper into the energy-generating system of mindy and body.

a strange happening. my sense of time is changing strongly somehow, and emotional memory is kind of losing its sense of time.

my standard impermanence seems to be increasing more, and getting closer to part of default perception (as in 50%). perhaps i can learn to concentrate on permanence/impermanence better later.

cycling through different levels of consciousness is becoming more natural (expanded/contracted, strong impermanence/weak, gamma brainwaves vs delta/theta brainwaves - can be observed in a very interesting visual way with visual thoughts)

chronoception... thinking backwards, there is no felt difference in time. no feeling of "more distance" or "less distance", while i can also remember more and more (more details from my general life experiences, e.g. saw 35 cows during my morning walk on the 9th May 2025 and an interesting car-number 427014 )

future thinking... can happen as such, every now and then, but... i just see it as a possibility..? confusion. lol

probably need to develop more stability to continuously maintain a strongly expanded state 24/7, with a high level of perception.

"flow" state is certainly something to avoid. lol. 100 minutes of hyper-focused chess felt like an instant to me. perhaps i did get somewhat mindless to my environment, which seems to be typical for "flow" states, but i was also cycling through something.

what is the sense of time? let's find out. lol

btw, on the statement two days ago, energy is not an issue, it simply doesn't feel like energy and merely as things happening, with the possibility of interference in the natural processes. concentration seems to be part of the natural cycling, expanding and contracting. something to learn better soon.

need for sleep has decreased by about 60 to 70 percent, while need for rest has increased by a few hours, although i assume this is short-lasting.
rest is just part of the natural cycle, which has started to occur more often. consciousness contracts until it hits a smaller area of energy-generating neurons, after which it expands again, because the concentration increases on those energy-generating neurons and causes them to over-load and send that energy away again.

my sense of time is changing again. i'm starting to understand the human movement more in terms of a worm-like movement, with contractions and expansions.

my visual memory has improved tremendously and i can notice that i occasionally have trouble remembering certain words. perhaps the root cause is that i am even trying to remember these words, new words, perhaps, or unused words. linguistic memory will improve soon too.

my favourite experiences so far have been with psychic powers. they've always been natural for me, even in my childhood, when i wasn't even aware of them lol. human experiences have always been odd if psychic powers were included, but i've had a few ones that were really fun.

yesterday i wanted to do a sort of re-view. it's almost been two years since i started my fun journey and it's nice to have some nostalgia.

the funniest experience was probably when i got rid of a person i didn't want to have contact with. one guy came to ask me something, and i didn't want to talk to him, so he wished me a good day and we parted ways again. that was more of an automatic response for me, habitual psychic power, somehow. i've had some kids bothering me one time and it took me actual concentration now, rather than just habit.

one time i've had an accidental use of psychic powers. i was just relaxing in public and noticed my impermanence increasing gently. then i've noticed more and more details in the world, and soon i saw some ants. i began to look at them and somehow concentration increased more and more on its own. so i began to see more and more ants everywhere, and they started to move towards the center of where my eyes were. lol

but my favourite experiences were those in which i felt a sense of control. for example, after jhana-practice i've gotten some stability, a stable kind of concentration, and i was able to make the wind stop for a bit so that a leaf would be still, like the stillness of a jhana. and my favourite experience was when i learned to, kind of... "communicate" with a spider. i looked at the spider, it stopped moving, and then i was able to tell the spider to move away, and i was able to tell it, very specifically, where to move to.

in early unconditioning practice, i had accidentally attracted spiders. ATTRACTION. that's another really cool superpower. i've practiced rapid cycling a few times, and there can be some strong "magnetism" effect. i've attracted different things into my life. people (accidentally, which was kind of annoying, really), bees, flies, spiders. i used to have arachnophobia and so i accidentally attracted a spider into my room.

i'm getting much better at understanding (thus controlling) these experiences, when they happen, "why", and what can follow them.

the funniest time was when i had practiced hard-focus-dissolution which got a magnetic effect, because consciousness experiences a kind of "collapse" in itself, like a star turning into a black hole. and then, suddenly, "out of nowhere", a bee flew into me. and then it got stuck in my clothes, unfortunately, because it sadly died while i was trying to free it. i don't think it was a bee anyway. a wasp, probably. i think it stung my clothes and died?

so, why was i so excited about being able to control the spider? i still have a tiny bit of arachnophobia left and i didn't want to hurt the spider, but didn't want to have it in my room either, so i just made it leave. wasn't that fun?!

visual dissolution will probably happen within the next 3 days, because i've gotten very close to it after 5 minutes of relaxation. and that's actually caused the spider to appear. lol. it's making reality "move out of habit". death, then, is like the end of "biological conditioning". krishnamurti's "total freedom" is the end of neurological conditioning, which is, of course, in relationship with biological conditioning.

what's next after visual dissolution? perhaps that's the next "enlightenment level" lol. although, my practice doesn't move in the typical linear way, but rather exponentially. or something like that. whatever.

maybe i become a chess grandmaster then, finally!

priorities are a strange thing. why is that? because there's a lot of judgement involved, on many different layers. that is great complexity.