Starting a new thread as the last one was getting long.

​​​​​​​3/18
Slept 00:00-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:45 noticing any effort to manage experience and letting go as best I can. Some discomfort and some pleasant feeling, I’m glad to have taken this approach and wish I’d had it more in mind during the retreat. It’s a fine balance to keep, letting go without seeking that emptiness i had experienced before or trying to recreate what I think a good sit ought to be. 
7:50-8:50 Zhan zhuang wk13d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
9:30-10:45 not especially comfy or uncomfy, just kept asking myself what am I supposed to be doing here? And remembering just dropping the doer and letting it all be as it is
22:10-23:00 really feels like the work rn is about cultivating patience and dropping expectations. The terms “do nothing” and “just sit” are sinking in deeper and taking on greater meaning. Anything I try to do or not-do, any effort I make, anything I try at all, i have to drop it because it leads nowhere. I can’t DO anything to make anything happen, to create progress, because there is no “me” to do anything anyway. The phrase “nothing to do” to me now isn’t about literally never doing anything, it’s about repeatedly (and, in general, subtly or even subconsciously) recognizing that there is no “me” to “do” anything. I’ve been through periods in my practice where it feels like I’m banging my head against a wall, and for now this is my wall. Just continually giving up effort, continually surrendering and trusting in existence, in life, which I’m a part of but not at the center of. 

So nice!

So ... are you awakened?  

3/19
Slept 1:30-6:15 did pt
6:35-8:40 pretty calm, a few mildly pleasant sensations passing through, continuing towards less judgement/evaluation while still paying attention and noticing. In the middle there was a period of deep calm, almost like torpor but not quite. I think I have more acceptance for the process and am succeeding in bringing fewer expectations to the experience. I’ve gotten some v helpful feedback from K, his support continues to be so valuable. 
8:50-9:45 Zhan zhuang wk13d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
10:30-11:45 again a fairly smooth sit attending to thoughts sounds and body sensations. Some mild discomfort in the butt muscles and some mildly pleasant sensations, mostly in legs, hands, and a little bit in heart area, all coming and going with attention
22:05-22:45 and now I am a broom: very sweepy. Glad to have a retreat day tomorrow

3/20 retreat day 
Slept 23:00-6:50 did pt
7:10-9:15 the balance of refining awareness or sharpening clarity while maintaining indifference or non attachment; there’s a difference between indifference and apathy; noticing and seeing clearly without judging or interpreting, that seems to take some finesse; and of course compassion for all beings without any involvement. I think that was part of the teaching from the wild rabbit. In the moment I didn’t deliberate about it, it just seemed like the right thing to do so that’s what I did. The other teaching was impermanence, obviously. I didn’t think about how these could be this creatures final moments although he didn’t survive the night, I just did what seemed like needed doing and I feel privileged to have been able to give him some care and safety. But it’s a reminder that we’re not in control of what will happen, all things have an end and we don’t know when that may come so just do what you know is what needs to be done and drop the rest. 
============
It’s not about caring vs not caring, nor is it about not caring vs not not-caring, it’s about dropping everything and simply being. Being present, being aware, and noticing 3C’s and being mindful can produce an automatic response, no thinking required. I keep thinking about how Dipa Ma is quoted as saying that ultimately total mindfulness and total metta are the same. 
10:10-11:45 awareness without effort, being without effort, these things take no effort, it’s the story making and selfing and avoiding discomfort that takes effort, and it’s the judging and evaluating, the striving for understanding and for progress that takes effort. I guess it all goes back to the desire to exist, to survive. 
12:00-12:55 Zhan zhuang wk13d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
14:10-16:00 this deep calm came again, similar to torpor but not as heavy or delicious feeling, still pleasant but more like an absence than something additional
16:20-17:00 walk
17:25-18:10 awareness of the mind gripping, holding on, but holding on to what is not clear. This tends to not be a great time of day for sitting, maybe I’ll try lying down. 
After reflecting for a few minutes I can start to see that that discomfort with the mind gripping is exactly where I need to be right now, even if I can’t clearly understand what it’s holding onto. Maybe this is the best time of day for practice after all. I can’t be running away from the discomfort, I need to sit with it and experience it fully for as long as I can, until I’m able to rest in it. 
18:40-19:35 annoyed with myself for giving up but glad for the effort and the day isn’t over yet. there’s only so much dog barking and car alarm and horn honking i can take when I’m also surrendering to awareness. I don’t even feel uncomfortable physically, just like the process is kind of hampered by these conditions. But it’s what I have available to work with so work with it I shall. 
21:20-22:00 now I find myself feeling impatient for the discomfort to appear and even slightly disappointed when it’s mild. What’s really getting to me the most is the horns honking, car alarms going off for no reason and dogs barking incessantly, that’s what I need to be sitting with I guess. 

3/21
Slept 23:50-5:25 did pt
5:45-8:00 noticing slightly less annoyance with noises from dogs and cars, even smiling inwardly a little, because how are those noises so different from the noise of the birds or the rain?
8:15-9:10 Zhan zhuang wk13d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
9:45-11:00 got to the calm place and from there to discomfort and then I remembered that I kind of overbooked my day and told a lot of people I would do a lot of things today
Stayed up too late and did too many things but feeling good about it all. Big day tomorrow so not sitting before bed just going to bed. Good night lovey springtime world

3/22
Slept 00:30-5:00 did pt
5:20-7:55 got to the calm place and from there to the uncomfortable place, stayed there for a while. Feeling quite calm and peaceful now despite feeling somewhat agitated when I ended the sit
8:45-10:15 about the same as last sit but the cycle played out faster and the neighbors were making more noise this time
10:25-11:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
14:40-15:40 sat w a friend and had some deeply calm moments as well as some unusual trains of fantasy thought.

3/23
Slept 00:20-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:15 two things I’m noticing at the same time: one, the feelings of discomfort, restlessness, or impatience are either diminishing to where I’m still aware of them but they’re more mild, or I’m reaching a new level of tolerance, or both, or I’m just too low-energy this morning to care that much, iow increasing indifference; and two, I’m noticing the pull of the mundane world and feeling ambivalence and some reluctance around it as once again I have a v full day ahead and why? I need to buy a car so I can go to work. But I know I don’t really have to buy a car or go to work, I can work from home and rent a car as needed. But this is what I decided so I’m following through. 
9:00-11:25 sitting in the attic again and noticing the cold on my face so much less than during last sit. Really didn’t notice it at all until ending. 
16:00-16:55 Zhan zhuang wk14d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/24
Slept 1:20-7:40 no pt
7:45-9:35 this time of day is so much quieter, wow! Still noticing some judgement or at least discomfort around sleeping in so late and also feeling more sensitive to the cold in the attic today
10:15-12:10 such a big difference in the experience of temperature before vs after eating breakfast. Other than that it’s a similar pattern of settling into a deep calm, coming out of that and into awareness of mild discomfort or slight disturbances and sitting with that for a good stretch. 
17:30-18:25 Zhan zhuang wk14d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/25
Slept 23:45-6:05 did pt
6:25-8:15 that was going nicely, the usual pattern and just sitting with awareness of sensations and the occasional thought or sound, and then I got fixated on the cold and started thinking about thinking about the cold and then I involuntarily twitched and figured that was the end of that sit. 
9:00-11:00 sat downstairs where it’s warmer and caught myself slouching extremely a few times. Otherwise all about the same as usual.
11:15-12:10 Zhan zhuang wk14d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

Feeling vulnerable and sensitive to the vicissitudes of the mundane world, professional goals not being met due to circumstances beyond my control and remembering that it's all teaching. I want to just meditate and drop all ambitions outside of that but I'm already in the middle of projects with deadlines and this is just where the rubber meets the road. Time to wak the wak 

There's a lot of vulnerability and sensitivity that come with the path. It's great to just honor it and accept it. We've got all this karma we've rustled up throughout are life and we need to deal with it. Your practice is great, logs are great, great work

3/26
Slept 1:00-6:45 did pt
7:05-9:10 no deep calm and no intense restlessness, just sitting so much thinking just a vague feeling of slight unease which I assume is related to my increasing involvement or attachment with gross phenomena. Going into this sit my intention or thought to explore was dropping all conscious effort and simply observing.
10:05-12:05 if I can’t drop mundane concerns entirely can I hold them more softly or loosely? Can I allow some space to permeate? Yes. 
18:25-19:20 Zhan zhuang wk14d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Thank you for this timely and compassionate response, Bahiya. It's a comforting and helpful reminder that I'm not alone. I'm not here to have an easy time all the time but it's the only project that matters more to me than any other.

K has reminded me that it's literally the hardest thing a human can set out to achieve, and has referred to it as "the hero's journey." I really appreciate the encouragement and support and I feel very grateful for this forum and the good people who read and contribute. 

Somewhat unrelatedly, I was wondering the other day if it's called the Noble Quest not because it's such a worthy pursuit but because it involves so much sitting still? Like, noble, as in inert?

3/27 retreat day
Slept 00:45-7:30 no pt
7:35-9:00 more music than usual, maybe bc I have concerts tomorrow and Saturday. Still feeling vaguely uncomfortable with sleeping in so late and missing the predawn hours although I love how quiet the neighborhood is at this time of day 
9:45-11:55 just sitting, no big feelings or sensations, not much thought, again more music than usual and a few itchy pinpoints that came and went. I think of the itchy sensations as “intense neutral”
12:00-13:05 lying down, was thinking about how I would or should react if someone made a mess out of my bedroom. Now I’m going to clean up the dogshit someone left on the sidewalk in front of my house. 
14:05-16:35 more just sitting wo expectations or anything big happening. Sometimes I think I need to pay closer attention to what’s going on and not allow myself to drift off, but then I think it’s probably best to err on the side of allowing than to bring any “should” into the process. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk14d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:20-19:55 walk
20:45-21:25 more thinking than usual, remembering old friends and thinking about the many facets of the project with the upcoming deadline

3/28
Slept 23:40-4:10 did pt
4:30-6:20 I don’t understand how using earplugs affects the experience other than that it more or less eliminates the field of external hearing. Still had lots of music going on
6:25-9:00 lying down alternately meditating and napping. Feeling kind of lazy and reluctant to face the day even though it’s full of things I enjoy
9:45-11:15 feeling tormented by deadline. I find myself longing to live a fully pointless life 
15:10-1605 Zhan zhuang wk14d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/29
Slept 1:15-4:40 did pt
5:00-7:35 remembering that awareness requires no effort, it is always there. In a very letting-go-of-personal-discipline move last night I ate two big pieces of cake right before bed and surprisingly slept just fine (until my neighbor started playing loud music from his truck at 4:30) but sitting this morning there was a lot of digestive activity and a delayed sugar rush which was all lots of fun to observe. Towards the end of the sit I noticed what felt like a brief moment of calm or a more pronounced stillness. 
8:35-9:45 overall more peaceful but in the end the pull of the mundane world and the day ahead full of goals and activities trumps the peacefulness!
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

3/30
Slept 1:00-8:05 did pt
8:25-10:15 nice, fewer thoughts and less music with those concerts now behind me. Still have tasks to attend to today. Less guilt for sleeping in so late and more  sense of mild surprise and acceptance 
11:05-13:05 it’s nice to be less bothered by car horns etc but when the neighborhood children suddenly start screaming bloody murder that’s another thing. Still, like all phenomena, it comes and goes. 
20:05-21:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

3/31
Slept 00:40-6:10 did pt
6:30-8:20 progress is so nonlinear. Or at least it’s not a straight line. I’m feeling the pull towards stillness and abandonment yet I’m caught in a period of activity and pursuit, during which I’ll aim to maintain stillness and abandonment internally. 
10:05-11:35 v few thoughts other than the occasional to-do item, body sensations are also few and far between but generally v mild and fleeting and vaguely pleasant when they’re present 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:15-4:25 did pt
4:45-6:45 noticing the effort involved in  prodding and poking at the mind as a way of “doing” awareness and letting that go. Awareness takes no effort, is always there, and doesn’t have to look a certain way to be real. 
7:35-9:30 same as last sit, remembering there’s no need to play detective, simply notice whatever’s present and be there. 
10:05-11:00 Zhan zhuang wk15d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/1
Slept 23:20-6:40 did pt
7:00-8:30 the usual patterns 
9:15-11:20 slowly moving between presence and absence of thoughts, loving the sound of the rain and wishing I could just sit all day and not have to run errands, noticing some brief leg cramps, not painful just surprising 
22:10-23:05 Zhan zhuang wk15d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this after sauna and have so much less body tension than usual 

4/2 retreat day
Slept 00:45-6:50 did pt
7:10-8:50 leaving for tour tomorrow and finding it hard to stay in the present and not think about the tour and all the packing and preparing I haven’t done yet
9:35-11:40 slide into reclining position for the last half hour or so and sort of lucid dreamed but without any enthusiasm 
13:45-15:10 Todays recurring pattern is to sit and settle for a while, experiencing some v mildly pleasant sensations and eventually dropping all thinking. After some time thinking returns and it seems like it’s time to get up and be somewhere else for a bit. 
15:20-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk15d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:00 walk
17:00-18:00 different pattern this time. Didn’t ever really stop thinking though the pace slowed down gradually and then I started thinking about thinking and that was just the end of it. 
19:50-20:20 distracted by the need to pack for this tour and frustrated by the conflicting desires for peace and stillness vs for friendship and music and accomplishments

4/4 day 1 of tour 
Slept 23:00-3:45 did pt
4:05-6:10 cam out of that sort of disoriented. Noticing that this isn’t an “easy” period of practice for me and grateful to remember that growth is rarely easy. 
6:55-8:10 not trying to do or achieve anything is so much better than wishing or waiting for anything 
14:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk15d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minReally nice to do this outside after a long drive

edited date, somewhere I missed a day and got off. Back on for now!

4/5 day 2 of tour
Slept 00:20-5:20 did pt
5:40-6:50 started to feel like I was going to fall out of the chair so lying down now 
6:50-7:50 sleepy 
8:40-10:40 found a better chair to sit in. Started noticing physical discomfort only in the last few minutes. 
11:00-11:55 Zhan zhuang wk16d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/6 day 3 of tour
Slept 23:50-4:45 did pt
5:05-5:50 same as yesterday 
5:50-7:20 lying down, in and out of sleep
8:05-9:15 got into pleasant relaxing feelings followed by awareness of sounds from the people living here and noticed the sounds not fading away but just taking up less space in my awareness and later coming back in though they never stopped. I guess awareness is broadening effortlessly?
9:20-10:15 Zhan zhuang wk16d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/7 day 4 of tour
Slept 23:45-5:15 did pt
5:35-7:05 that was nice. It’s quieter here and there’s just one vibes consistently chirping outside the window
7:10-8:10 lying down mostly sleeping
8:45-10:20 sitting next to a busy road is the same as sitting next to a stream or brook. I sat through several sudden noises but when I heard my friend playing the piano downstairs I couldn’t stay still. 
11:40-12:35 Zhan zhuang wk16d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
Noticing an increase in the ability to make a decision, eg accept or decline an invitation, with less deliberation simply knowing that whatever happens will be the right thing. Only afterwards reflecting that even a month ago I would’ve behaved differently, either exercising some kind of rigid disciplined approach ie knowing the answer before hearing the question, or else laboring over the decision and being unsure about it afterwards.

4/8 day 5 of tour
Slept 23:50-5:40 did pt
6:00-8:00 peacefulness and absence of thought, absence of consciousness, a small moment of physical discomfort at the very end and overall feeling comfortable and unhurried even amid momentary discomfort.
8:50-10:50 v similar to last sit but w less physical discomfort, almost none at all. Also noticing the dreamlike quality of mental objects in both this sit and last. 
11:25-12:20 Zhan zhuang wk16d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside so nice, less tingling in fet and legs but still getting that feeling of energy pumping through the whole body 

Reflecting at end of day after last show of tour how whenever you think you know your path and you've made your decision life will present you with options that would gratify old you as if to say, "Are you sure that's what you want? Are you sure, even when you could have this instead?"

Barefoot outside... So nice !!

4/9 day 6 of tour 
Slept 23:45-3:50 did pt
4:05-5:55 no longer sitting with no agenda. I have to get on the road today by a certain time and that changes everything somehow
6:40-8:00 there was a v brief moment today and also yesterday of being disoriented like where am I and what am I doing here? Not a stressful feeling, more like a recognition of losing something and then immediately letting go of the question. 
18:35-19:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minI’m at a spa and did this practice in the “oxygen room” whatever that was. Felt good as usual, barefoot on wood floor felt a lot of pressure in the feet. 
21:35-23:05 relaxed body (+ earplugs) -> relaxed mind

4/10 day _ of tour
Slept 23:25-2:00
2:15-3:25 in big recliner 
Slept 3:30-6:20
7:10-7:55 in big chair 
8:00-9:10 lying on couch. This place is kind of silent at times and unpredictably kind of noisy at times 
9:15-10:10 Zhan zhuang wk16d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

Just got home and getting ready for bed. Going on tour is a whole lot to unravel. It was always the goal until recently and now the pendulum has swung past the middle to where I don't want to do it nearly as much but I still want to, at least to unload all the records and merch I have sitting in my house. But I had a really good time and I'm doing it again in a few weeks for twice as long. Bringing my special meditation chair with me was a good move, and not filling every day with activity was also good. Just a lot of ambivalence about the whole thing, but at least I know I'll have some retreat time this summer and three months again this winter. 

4/11
Slept 00:10-4:55 did pt
5:10-7:10 almost strangely comforted by the cold attic and noisy neighbors. 
8:00-10:10 sitting upright downstairs where it’s warmer and repeatedly catching my head drooping. Otherwise whatever is going on is too subtle or me to be able to describe even for myself, just sparse shreds of thoughts, the absence of thought, neighbor playing loud music, awareness of that coming and going, consciousness fading in and out
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk16d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

Of all the delusions time is such an odd one, especially the sense that one can have any control over it (or over anything, for that matter). What a strange invention, the concept of time. 

4/12
Slept 00:05-6:50 did pt
7:05-8:35 sitting downstairs 8:35-9:35 lying down10:15-11:15 sitting downstairs, wish I could stay longer but have to go to work
16:45-17:35 thought I could sit with the sun going down but I need to go outside and do qigong before dark
17:50-18:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outdoors feels so much smoother energetically 

4/13
Slept 00:30-6:25 no pt
6:30-7:50 low energy, stayed up late and slept in, feeling lazy today
8:30-10:30 more of the kind of doing nothing that I want to be doing, less resistance 
10:35-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe earth is so welcoming to bare feet and accepting of all energy!
Parents are out of town so taking a retreat day tomorrow and staying at their place which I anticipate will be quieter than mine. 

4/14 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-6:50 did pt
7:15-9:05 still, sleepy and warm here but there’s a bell that goes off outside the window every fifteen minutes or so, confusing. 
9:40-11:15 letting the sound of that bell function like the ubiquitous mynah birds in Aldous Huxley’s utopian novel, Island, who cry out “Here and now!”, “Wake up!”, and “Attention!”
11:15-13:00 nap, dreams about food
13:30-15:30 this place is not significantly quieter than my house, the loud noises are different but it’s still nice to be in a place that’s essentially empty of my effects. 
15:45-16:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minQuite windy today, noticing contrast bt inner sensations of qi moving and outer sensations of wind on skin and nearly blowing me over a couple of times!
16:45-17:20 walking, noticing the usual ever changing body sensations, visual and aural fields and today the smells of flowers everywhere!
17:25-18:30 physical discomfort is increasingly rare these days, mostly I’m noticing a tendency to linger with sounds and mental objects, especially expectations 
19:35-20:30 the struggle now is with attachment to a goal of any kind. I can see it, feel it, and tell myself to drop it but it persists. The effort to give up all effort continues. 
22:10-23:10 finally started to really let go but too late in the day to stay awake. Patience! Progress doesn’t follow a straight line. 

4/15
Slept 1:30-6:45 did pt
7:05-8:30 I’m gonna go home now. It’s been nice sitting in a different place but I also see the value in sitting in the same place as usual. 
9:30-12:00 noticing that feeling like I’m waiting for something coming and going. When it’s absent the body and mind experience pleasure or nothing at all. 
21:05-22:00 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/16 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:15-7:45 no pt
7:50-9:30 wishing i hadn’t gone back to bed after i woke up, I didn’t need more sleep. Still this was a good sit with v little thinking, mostly only noticing neighbor noises
10:10-12:35 a longer period without any thinking followed by a period with more thinking
13:35-15:10 mostly nothing and v occasional slightly pleasant or unpleasant sensations. It started to get warm in the attic, bringing the sit to an earlier end than planned. 
15:15-15:35 walk
15:35-16:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:30-17:45 walk, tea 
17:50-18:55 mental activity increases exponentially at this time of day for some reason. Sitting, noticing, allowing, and eventually getting caught up in expectations again and pulling the plug. 
19:00-19:20 walk
19:20-19:50 diminishing returns? The stream of mental chatter isn’t exactly a fire hose, space is observable, but the rate at which thoughts are arising is so much higher than it is earlier in the day and I’m not as prepared to sit through it. 
21:40-22:40 what a world of difference it makes to take a bath and shower and then sit with no expectation! Body just felt amazing from ending the shower with cold water, sitting felt great. 

4/17
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:05 I got overcome with thoughts about the day ahead and the upcoming events and tour but until then it was a pleasant sit with thoughts mostly absent and only the sounds of neighbors car horns punctuating the silence 
9:00-10:10 having gotten through a cycle or two of feeling like I’ve had enough and letting that feeling pass I assumed I’d have sat for longer but nature calls. It’s odd how the mind tries to keep track and “achieve” a “good sit” doing nothing even as there is no goal and nothing to do. 
10:30-11:30 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3min

4/18
Slept 23:20-6 did pt
6:20-8:20 one big cycle of dropping mundane experience, increasing awareness of space, stillness, followed by a return of gross sensation and mundane thoughts accompanied by a mild restlessness that manifested in the form of needing to yawn and stretch, which I eventually gave into and ended the sit a minute and a half before the bell was set to go off. 
9:05-11:00 steady stream of thoughts, no absence of consciousness but just observing the mental activity ebb and flow. Mildly pleasant body sensations coming and going mostly in legs, also in chest and arms. Again, very little to no physical discomfort but feeling the meaninglessness of the mental activity at the same time as observing the self that finds these thoughts to be important leads to a subtle mental discomfort that I’m learning to sit with. 
Response from K re this: Staying genuinely in the process of being will slowly, gently do the transformational work—trust that mysterious development. 
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/19
Slept 00:45-4:55 did pt
5:20-7:25 quite drowsy, inclined towards reclining several times but stayed put, v mild pain in tailbone, not much thinking just conscious of drowsiness and asking am I falling asleep? Am I dreaming? Feeling slightly disoriented and slightly like I’m indulging and eventually just being. 
8:10-10:30 came back to self consciousness with the physical need to pee which led to asking can I keep sitting a while longer anyway and noticing other thoughts quickly arising and passing. Quite a comfy sit now that the attic isn’t cold anymore and isn’t yet too hot. 
10:40-11:35 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minThe balloon time goes by fast when the attention is focused on relaxing every part of the body, especially wherever tension is present

4/20
Slept 00:40-5:25 did pt
5:50-7:50 similar to yesterday’s fist sit of the day, noticing some neighborhood noises yet staying in the flow. Some frantic musical thinking/dreaming just before the bell
I was at a big social event last night and despite it being lovely and uplifting I am feeling the pull towards letting go in off-cushion life more strongly, not just dropping ambition but also letting go of the social and professional connections I’ve been cultivating for the past 10-20 years and, more importantly, the expectations I’ve been associating with those connections. 
8:30-10:25 much the same as yesterday's post breakfast sit, and that’s how long it took for 1.5 liters to reach my bladder. (I didn’t sit with the feeling of needing to pee for as long as i did yesterday, it’s too distracting.) Theres a sense of wanting to get back to it but also an awareness of what could be the beginning/deepening/continuing merging of the on- and off-cushion experience.
Ah it seems my out of town guests have left the house so I will go back upstairs and sit a while longer!
10:30-11:40 more of a steady stream of thoughts which I trace back to a sense of seeking — in the gross sense I was looking around the house for my friends, and in the subtle sense I was looking to get back to that state of letting go that got interrupted in the last sit. 
11:45-12:45 Zhan zhuang wk17d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minOutside + in the sun + barefoot = what a world of difference 
Had a nice visit to the beach, talked with an old friend on the phone, took care of some basic chores and intended to sit before bed but binged on social media instead. No plans at all tomorrow so will likely have at least a partial retreat day. 

4/21
Slept 00:45-7:40 did pt
8:00-10:05 having gone back to bed for another hour after initially getting up at 6:30 i experienced less drowsiness and more mental activity during this sit but stillness and peacefulness prevailed. 
10:45-13:15 similar to last sit, plenty of activity and some extended periods of stillness as well. No physical discomfort until after the timer went off and I realized my back felt a little tight. 
14:15-15:05 this whole time I’ve been sitting a little dog has been barking nonstop just outside the window, sounding tortured. How can I be the only one in the neighborhood who minds? I thought I’d just sit through it but it’s too distracting for me at this stage. 
16:25-17:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot in the park with the big trees I tried circulating energy with a tree as described in the book and it felt like a gentle energy shower when I wasn’t distracted with other thoughts, sights and noises. Also quite windy today. 
I’ve always been very attuned to the aural field and as the weather gets warmer the sounds of life increase in volume and persistence but I’m noticing I’m more sensitive to sounds than ever. I want to interpret this as another invitation to surrender since there’s nothing I can do about it other than to wear earplugs all the time. 

4/22
Slept 00:20-5:10 did pt
5:35-7:15 just sitting
7:50-10:20 when the neighbors start playing loud thumping music it’s so different from any other kind of noise because I just get stuck on it and then it’s a spiral of thoughts, asking whether to just get up now or stay with the experience. I stayed with it for a while longer than usual but still got up a couple minutes before the timer was set to go off. 
21:00-21:55 Zhan zhuang wk17d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/23
Slept 00:15-5:30 did pt
5:55-8:15 v slightly more agitation than the past few days, like 2% more. Sat 15 min longer than usual and felt like I could’ve gone longer but also had moments where I was thinking why am I still sitting here? And letting that thought go. Rn I’m recalling the Alan watts passage about the meaningful life being empty of experience, iow pointlessness is the point. No need for a reason to keep sitting, there’s no wrong way to do it as long as I’m not holding onto anything. There’s nothing to hold onto anyway. 
9:00-10:50 such a lovely silence in the neighborhood punctuated only by the occasional truck backing up or distant train whistle and bird calls yet I’m worried about being late to a lunch date!
15:25-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside w minimal clothing = the best way to do this, by far. Feeling the gentle breeze on my skin is just delightful. 
21:25-22:25 just chill and uneventful, peaceful and sleepy

4/24 - Retreat Day
Slept 22:45-7:35 did pt
7:55-9:50 sounds like some kind of loud industrial noise going on outside. K reminded me that you can always “return to the market” but historically a yogi would first leave the city behind and retreat into the woods and I thought, how are the sounds of birds and wind in trees so much different than the sounds of car horns and ice cream trucks and lawnmowers? But yeah they’re pretty different. 
10:30-12:10 sitting with earplugs and feeling ambivalent about it. Otherwise it’s the usual pattern unfolding of sitting and gradually getting into a more peaceful state with less thinking, drifting out of consciousness and just letting go, eventually coming back to consciousness and thought, letting that be as it is and eventually asking what am I doing here, thinking of something else I could be doing and giving up on the project of sitting and doing nothing for the time being. 
12:25-13:20 Zhan zhuang wk17d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minFeet get so tingly when I do it indoors
14:05-15:30 strange how sitting for a shorter time feels like longer later in the day. That was altogether pleasant and idk why I ended it. Body wanting to move, I suppose. 
16:00-16:40 it’s too hot in the attic but I tried sitting up there anyway. I got up when the sweat started dripping
17:00-17:55 walk
18:40-18:55 as soon as I sat down the noise started. As soon as I got up another noise started. This is not the right time or place. As much as I need silence I think my neighbors need noise. Silence is so uncomfortable for many people. I’m hoping to find an alternative space where I can spend my retreat days. 
19:20-19:50 moved to a different part of the house thinking it would be quieter but it’s not. 
20:45-21:00 it’s impossible right now. I can’t sit with this much noise. I feel like giving up on the whole idea of taking retreat days in this house. 

4/25
Slept 23:15-5:05 did pt
5:30-7:15 sweet blessed silence 
8:00-9:40 the pattern continues and seems to be going faster — within a short time of taking my posture, usually 5-20 minutes I’m guessing, mildly pleasant sensations appear in the body regardless of mental activity. I generally notice it and allow it to be. Mental activity sometimes persists or increases and sometimes decreases or even seems to stop entirely, in which case it eventually returns and I eventually engage in thoughts of doing, purposefulness, etc, until I either let those thoughts be and continue sitting for longer or end the sit. The sense of effortless ease in the body is remarkable to me, though. This has been happening for a while now and I want to understand it or interpret it attribute it to something I’m doing or not doing but again it seems best just to let it be. 
10:15-11:10 Zhan zhuang wk17d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minDefinitely getting easier these days. Sometimes it feels like I’m floating!

4/26
Slept 23:25-5:20 no pt
5:30-7:15 sitting7:15-7:45 lying down
8:20-10:40 feeling more resistance today in the form of bodily fatigue, increased mental activity and restlessness. Grateful  for the ability to see through and sit through it all.
10:50-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk17d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/27
Slept 23:45-5:05 did pt
5:25-7:00 sitting, noticing thoughts occurring at a medium or slow pace with a sense of space in between. No noticeable sensations or total fading of consciousness. 
7:00-7:25 lying down and had sort of a disturbing violent dream that took place in an old pub where dozens of rabid guinea pigs were set loose and attacked the people there but like we were there for that? I saw someone get devoured and a couple of older guys were grabbing the guinea pigs and smashing them against nails in the wall. After the commotion died down I walked around to see if anyone needed help and it seemed like most everyone had disappeared. 
8:05-9:50 similar to last sit with thoughts fading almost completely yet consciousness remaining and some ability to notice the absence of thought and either think about it or not. A couple moments of pleasant sensation arising and passing. Extreme noise from neighbors car alarm going off repeatedly and for extended periods. 
10:00-10:55 Zhan zhuang wk18d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/28
Slept 00:10-4:05 did pt
4:30-6:00 sitting6:00-7:00 lying down 
8:30-11:20 that was more like recent sits. Earlier was drowsiness and disoriented and lying down another strangely violent dream. I was at some kind of a special dinner involving lots of seafood and sausage, sitting between a friend and the husband of a friend; they were fighting and somehow throwing food at each other was part of it. I wonder if or where there is a hidden reservoir of rage that needs to release? It's well possible I've been hiding it from myself for a long time but it's also possible that it's already been partially or mostly or completely released. It's also possible that the dream was nonsense and meant nothing  
11:25-12:20 Zhan zhuang wk18d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

4/29 - day 1 of tour
Slept 01:00-4:20 did pt
4:40-7:00 feels like a relatively comfortable plateau atm though there are faint subtle hints of discomfort or friction. I have a personal life issue going on that’s basically good news or an amazing opportunity that is just slightly upsetting the nonattachment practice. It’s something to consider patiently and with discernment. I feel like discernment is a piece of the puzzle I haven’t really got my hands on yet. I’m just starting to tap into vast openness and awareness, and discernment seems in some ways to come as a counterpart to a more developed awareness?
7:50-10:00 a pretty neutral time overall. Noticing the subtlest sense of mental discomfort with the presence of any thinking and a couple of v brief moments of even more slight and fleeting physical discomfort. Noticing that where a year ago I’d have to yawn exaggeratedly now I occasionally take a deep breath and that punctuates the stillness of the moment. I think that happened 3-4x during this last sit. Torpor seems to have become a thing of the past as well, or at least it’s decreased significantly. Feels like the sine waves could be slowly decreasing in amplitude and frequency, slowly leveling out. 
10:45-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk18d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

In my experience, non-attachment is not really about maintaining composure and deliberation. Rather, it's about letting go of our efforts to be any particular way. It's about seeing how we don't direct experience, and instead, experience happens at us. We are at the mercy of ourselves. 

I'm curious what your technique is like, Antei. Are you focusing the mind? Are you dropping tension, and if so, with what frequency? Is there a cycling between focus and distraction? 

4/30 - day 2 of tour
Slept 00:40-6:00 no pt
6:05-7:00 too tired, back to bed. Subtle sense of disappointment from holding the expectation that I could sit in the usual way while on tour
9:20-10:40 that was more like what I’m used to but had to stop earlier than I wanted due to hearing people having a conversation. Why can’t I just use earplugs? Next time…
10:50-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk18d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minPracticed in front of a mirror for the first time and noticed I’ve been holding my hands a bit high in balloon pose 

John, thank you for this helpful reminder.

My practice is simply to do nothing, notice and surrender. Occasionally I'll focus the mind with a few deep breaths followed by counting a few cycles of ten breaths but usually just sit and pay attention to whatever is happening. I'm not intentionally dropping tension, rather, I aim to drop all intentions, especially any effort towards controlling the experience. I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice, more like any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release. 

Re non attachment as a letting go of any effort to control -- I've been internalizing that in my seated practice and am now faced with a sort of dilemma in my off-cushion practice. Read on for more details, and I'd love input on this from anyone else here as well.

Coming out of the three-month retreat I did last winter I am more dedicated than ever to practicing and I've been moving in the direction of making it the central priority in my life, ie slowly dropping anything that isn't either directly supporting the practice or otherwise essential.

Now I just met someone and we're both interested in building trust and intimacy. It's very early but we're already talking about potential long term plans including moving to be closer together and starting a family. 

This is something I've wanted for a long time and like I said it's too soon for me to make any long term commitment but it feels good. The dilemma is that I've kind of let go of the desire to make long term plans, find a partner, start a family, etc, and really sort of got attached to the idea of spending most of my time practicing in solitude, or at least doing one longer retreat and several shorter ones each year and spending my mornings practicing. 

The person I'm taking about here also has a strong practice, though from different traditions, and she's told me that she also wants to make (or continue making) spiritual practice the top priority in her life, with householding/homemaking/family raising the primary method. This seems feasible to me but I hadn't considered it before, and the discussions I've had in the past with my teacher on this topic have led to the advice not to get distracted with side quests and that this phase of my life is available for dedicated practice (eg my parents are in good health, I'm in good health, I don't have kids or any other time consuming responsibilities, I don't need a lot of money and I make my own work schedule).

No one is asking me to give up my dream of dedicated practice now, but it's fair for this person to ask if I'm on board with her vision of living together and starting a family. I really am, I just want to first be able to spend an indeterminable amount of time practicing, like, just until I can realize stream entry. Because that really is more important to me than anything else. Yet I see the value in, and feel drawn towards starting a family. And if I defer the dream of more intensive  practice til hypothetical child/ren are on their own, I'll be in my seventies before I can be fully dedicated, and who knows what my health or other circumstances will be like then. 

I think if I realize SE and have to miss out on this opportunity I won't regret it (bc I can't imagine anyone regretting making any kind of sacrifice for the sake of SE) but I can imagine the possibility of following through with this, not realizing SE in this lifetime and regretting that.  I can also imagine starting a family with this person potentially leading to spiritual progress beyond any expectations I could even have, but at the same time I can hear my teacher saying that intensive solitary practice is the most likely path to SE for most people in his experience. 

 This isn't a decision I need to make immediately but I want to move forward with respect to the insights I've gained from practice and be honest with myself and with her, without being too wishy washy or unclear. Has anyone else had to make a similar kind of choice? I'd love to hear your stories either way. 

Really interesting stuff. It's rare for me to see a pre-SE yogi doing Do Nothing all the time. But I'm a huge fan of that more yin approach.

My experience, even up into third path, was that it wasn't possible for me to just "do nothing" with my attention. It had to go somewhere, whether it was into focusing the mind, or trying to not try, or into relaxing tension that I'd repeatedly put down and then pick up again a couple seconds later. I had an insight late into 3rd path that focusing the mind wasn't necessary, and only then was I able to just sit without any focusing or relaxing.


I'm still a little confused about your technique, forgive me. It seems like there are three possibilities here, and I'm not sure which of the three is true:

(1) you manually focus attention while sitting (see: "sit and pay attention to whatever is happening");
(2) you don't manually focus, but you do manually drop tension (see: "I am to drop all intentions, especially any effort toward controlling experience… any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release");
(3) you neither manually focus nor manually drop tension (see: "I'm not intentionally dropping tension… I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice").

All three are great approaches—and I'd be particularly impressed if you can pull off #3, because I couldn't at your point—but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries between them.



Congratulations on the new match.


That's pretty neat.


Stream entry wasn't my salvation. Things can still be very, very rough. Sotopannas less happy than an average Joe are a dime a dozen.

I can really relate to what you're saying. I hit the A&P shortly before law school and felt a really strong pull toward ordination, for fear that it'd be the only way I could get a life quiet enough to progress. But now I think I was overestimating the volume of daily formal practice I needed for progress. And law school has given me excellent clinging-grist for the insight-mill.

As my quick burst of progress from the A&P to the 3rd has shrunk farther into my rear view window, I realize that this non-duality stuff is much more of a lifestyle than a mission. Less sprint, more marathon. My daily formal practice time has never consistently exceeded an hour. Once you hit stream entry, the small gaps between your activities become amazing, full-on, deep practice. And even the activities themselves are a wonderful test of your attachments.

It's all a bit uncertain, but the only attainment that seems really responsive to brute force and heavy practice is the Arising and Passing Away. (Though that's not the only way to reach it, I suspect.) After that, you're on the wacky railroad, and to increasing degrees, it's less a question of whether you can put in hardcore hours, and more a question of how much freedom you're willing to allow yourself. Do you think you've hit the A&P?

The bottom line, the most important consideration I think, is that no practice will save you from having to live your life. So it's important to cultivate a life you want to live.

I suggest making this decision from the heart, not the head. And I'm not presuming that your heart would choose one option or the other. I suggest not trying to logic and optimize your way through this intuitive, emotional process. Best of luck.

Wise words John.

5/1 - tour day 3
Slept 23:20-6:35 did pt
7:00-8:20 noticing any thinking, hearing or feeling as dukkha. These days it’s rarely unpleasant but it’s all fleeting, unstable, unreliable. 
9:05-10:30 pleasant sensations, v occasional sounds, and thoughts, the usual musical thoughts and contemplation of how all conditioned phenomena are impermanent yet being where I find myself at the moment, ie not a monastic, I still have responsibilities and opportunities in the mundane world and I need to make choices. I don’t know how to make choices about long term plans, other than to sense whether a choice aligns with my values, whether it can be deemed skillful, and otherwise go with the flow and put one foot in front of the other without excessive deliberation. I was also thinking about the Tao as the womb of the universe, the cosmic void from which all things are effortlessly created. Merging with that effortless spontaneously creative emptiness, is that akin to SE?
16:25-17:20 Zhan zhuang wk18d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

I'm still a little confused about your technique, forgive me. It seems like there are three possibilities here, and I'm not sure which of the three is true: (1) you manually focus attention while sitting (see: "sit and pay attention to whatever is happening"); (2) you don't manually focus, but you do manually drop tension (see: "I am to drop all intentions, especially any effort toward controlling experience… any so-called distraction is just another object to notice and release"); (3) you neither manually focus nor manually drop tension (see: "I'm not intentionally dropping tension… I haven't thought much about focus vs distraction in the practice"). All three are great approaches—and I'd be particularly impressed if you can pull off #3, because I couldn't at your point—but I think it's important to maintain clear boundaries between them.

Re my practice, it's 99% number 3. Only rarely do I manually drop tension, I usually just observe it and surrender, mirror-style. Same with repetitive thoughts eg music although for a while I was noting "music" as a way of letting it go. These days I don't have to note it as often, I just observe it and either it repeats for a while or fades, in other words it always fades sooner or later.

I also very rarely focus attention manually. If I do it's unintentional and allowed to happen and pass. Sometimes consciousness dissipates and returns, fading in and out. These days it doesn't feel like torpor as much as it used to, I described it in a recent log entry as the sine wave of experience seeming to flatten out, decreasing in amplitude and frequency.

I've hit the A&P a few times but only once with the support of an experienced teacher and the understanding of what it was, and that was this past winter. (I wish I could share my practice log from that retreat but it's too long.) The others were when I was 14, 19, and 22 years old.

Re sharing your story and your reminder to make my decision from the heart, thank you so much. Reading your words I felt like crying. The truth of what you said really resonates with me.

I place great trust in my teacher, K (who is also 3rd path) as he's been in touch with me consistently for nearly two years now and has supported me through all three of the longer solo retreats I've done in that time. He knows me well and has seen my progress, and I know him well enough that I suspect I know what he'll say when I ask his advice -- he won't try to influence my decision one way or another but he'll likely remind me that in his experience realizing SE takes long hours of solitary practice and anything else may be wonderful but not as likely to lead to SE. He doesn't believe that I've realized SE yet and neither do I, but it's extremely helpful to be reminded that SE isn't everything.

At the end of my last long retreat I told K that I felt called to deepen my practice and really centralize it in my life more than ever, and he suggested I look at where I'm at in life right now as a phase, a limited-time opportunity, and I suspect he'll remind me of that and suggest that if I want to prioritize SE for now while I'm in this phase of life I can always find a partner and start a family later, although for context I am in my early 40's so in some ways that clock is ticking.

I really appreciate your thoughtful responses and I'm very happy to continue this conversation with you. Thank you, John.

<br /><meta charset="UTF-8" /><p>5/2 - tour day 4</p><p> </p><p>Slept 23:35-5:25, did pt</p><p> </p><p>5:50-7:40 felt the usual pleasant sensations in legs and for the first time also in chest but could have just been a chill? Interpreted as pleasant anyway.&nbsp;</p><p> </p><p>8:15-9:55 that pleasant sensation was not a chill. i put on socks and a sweatshirt and it happened again and also spread to the head a couple times. Im not about expecting or chasing pleasant feelings anymore, in fact I’ve almost been missing the discomfort that contributed to the deeper sine waves and the sense of progress, but this is something new and therefore remarkable.&nbsp;</p><p> </p><p>10:05-11:05&nbsp;</p><p>Zhan zhuang wk18d6</p><p>Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min&nbsp;balloon 23min&nbsp;Wu chi 3min</p><p>Thankful for the patch of green behind the hotel and the lovely trees who are so alive and willing to share their energy, and also for all the birds and wildflowers</p><p> </p><p>17:50-18:50&nbsp;musical thoughts very present as I’m about to perform but also a consistently pleasant yet mild sensation in the body, like 30-40% of a full body euphoric experience regardless of what’s going on in the mind. Felt sort of like the body was slowly disintegrating. I’ve experienced the body disappearing several times but it’s always been through a samatha practice of some kind and sort of a sudden noticing. This is gradual and I’m fully conscious of it as it happens. This has been going on for a couple months I guess, and slowly increasing, starting sooner, spreading through more of the body, and lasting longer, and this sit was the first time I described the experience to myself in this way. It’s also slightly&nbsp;reminiscent of the A &amp; P experience I had during the winter retreat but much much milder.&nbsp;</p><p> </p>

Antei,

I read your last few posts (sorry for barging in) but John's advice is excellent. I can also speak from first hand experience that I was probably more miserable as a sottapanna than a pre-strean entry cat.

Obviously, don't stop. You're on the ride, and it sounds like you have great advice. I'm just saying SE was just getting on a raft that led down a great rocky river.

I will pitch in here with fool-hardy meditation advice. I'm very impressed with your ability to try and relax and let things come, I certainly couldn't at that stage. I think I would just note the feelings of relaxing into it as well.

Best of luck, may your journey be fruitful,

Jim

5/3 - tour day 5
Slept 23:40-6:35 no pt
6:40-8:30 had another violent dream last night but sitting was the usual: mildly pleasant sensations and thoughts coming and going, maybe a little more thinking than usual. 
9:15-10:50 same as usual, less mental activity than last sit. 
10:50-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk18d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
16:55-18:30 approaching zero mental activity, v pleasant

5/4 - tour day 6
Slept 11:25-4:00 did pt
4:25-6:20 idk if it’s the earplugs or the fact that im traveling again in a few hours but the thoughts were pretty nonstop. No manual quieting of the mind, just allowing and seemingly effortless equanimity. Interesting mix of feelings in the body: rootedness and pleasant sensations plus restlessness mostly manifesting as itchiness at specific points. 
7:20-9:10 periods of deep stillness, periods of turbulence, interrupted in the end by natures call. There was a moment when the sense of a self seemed to have shifted or expanded without dropping awareness. It seemed like something new but too subtle to describe or even remember very clearly. 
9:40-10:35 Zhan zhuang wk19d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minFelt unusually easy, like it’s never been this easy before

Thanks for this, Jim. As a pre-SE cat I'm puzzled by how you could be more miserable post-SE. Like if you're freed from the fetter of the illusion of self then where or how does a feeling of misery manifest? Who is there to be miserable?

It's a good idea not to confuse seeing through the phenomenon of not-self and the actual elimination of the illusion.

Chris' response really cuts to the point. Prior to stream entry there was a great deal of confusion, but a very clear goal. When I arrived at SE there was the initial relief of having entered the stream. That lasted for months, actually. Yet as time went on I knew that I hadn't eliminated 'it' but I had seen that it could be eliminated. Somehow that made the problem more insidious for me, and made a lot of my fire from pre-SE times actually worse in some ways.

A lot of this could've been eliminated with a higher focus on morality and concentration, but I just dove back in nose-first like a manic person consuming every book, every podcast, every thing that I could with my improved knowledge derived from SE trying to figure this out. I cycled multiple times, got cool meditative states, and yet all of it was somehow more miserable than just not knowing that it could be done in the first place.  I know none of this necessarily sounds pretty prior to stream-entry, I would be pissed if I was still prior to stream entry and reading this right now.

There is suffering eliminated from SE, no doubt, and you're in the stream and you'll move forward. That's the big thing, and it's worth doing.

Yes, the insights gained from practice often take some time to soak in; days, weeks, months, even years!

5/5 - tour day 7
Slept 23:30-6:00 did pt
6:30-8:20 deep and peaceful until the last ten min or so when there was so much random noise I decided to call it. 
8:55-10:30 got interrupted by my friends telling me they’re leaving the house and thought I could just continue but have to reset
10:45-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk19d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
15:00-17:00 just peaceful and still. Can I just accept the experience as it is? I’m so accustomed to progress via struggle that it can be hard for me to believe progress is happening without explicit difficulty. 

At this stage in life I'm just practicing as much as possible and noticing an attachment to practice despite what could be the beginning of a loosening of attachment to the goal of SE. Even without a clear goal I just have faith that practicing as much as I can is the best thing I can be doing right now, and I'm hesitant to make any decisions that would alter that course for the long term. 

5/6 - tour day 8
Slept 1:00-6:55 no pt
7:00-8:40 v little mental activity, earplugs in, shreds of musical thought here and there, an occasional vague sense of unreality/disorientation, and just before ending the tiniest bit of that old physical discomfort in the tailbone. 
9:25-11:00 much like last sit minus any discomfort, just a syrupy stillness in the body, quite pleasant. 
17:35-18:30 Zhan zhuang wk19d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/7 - tour day 9
Slept 00:00-6:15 did pt
6:35-8:15 using earplugs is really changing the experience. Without any sounds to interrupt it seems like the cycle or pattern I’ve been going through accelerates and I’m just kind of out of it for a good stretch, and when I come back I need to remember what’s happening. 
9:05-11:00 I don’t understand what’s going on but I don’t need to understand in order to practice. All I need to do is notice and allow. Trying to understand is a form of resistance coming from effort. Even noticing is starting to present effort.
15:05-16:00 Zhan zhuang wk19d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/8 - tour day 10
Slept 23:35-4:45 did pt
5:15-7:10 very consistent experience, no ups or downs just flat awareness and the faintest hint of impatience or confusion. Didn’t do anything, didn’t try to expand awareness or tweak the experience in any way, just sat and a couple times wondered what’s going on here iow noticed a desire for understanding. 
7:55-9:35 same as last sit but had to pee. The experience is like 95% nothing much, no remarkable feelings or sounds or thoughts, and 5% noticing this desire to know what’s going on which I see as connected to the desire for progress specifically and generally as another form of dukkha. 
18:55-19:50 Zhan zhuang wk19d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/9 - tour day 11
Slept 00:00-5:15 did pt
5:40-7:40 a long period of little to no thought, no sound and not much sensation to notice followed by some noise coming through earplugs leading to some thinking and restlessness which I stayed with for longer than usual
8:25-10:40 someone in the next room is watching tv or listening to music so Ibused earplugs and over the ear noise reduction and the experience was slightly different. Maybe twice as much mental activity, not chasing the thoughts or following them but seeing them come and go like a little stream. Body relaxed and comfy, no sound except for occasional mental music. 
11:15-12:10 Zhan zhuang wk19d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
I’m starting to question my pursuit of SE. I’m planning to talk w K about it next week but I’m getting the feeling that what will come will come and it’s best to practice without expectations. Hearing people say SE is no picnic doesn’t change my mind, it’s more that it can’t be forced. Can it be intended? Can it be a goal? Or do I just forget about it and practice with no goal, ie, the path IS the goal, and perhaps as has happened to me several times before, once I truly let a desire go the fulfillment of that same desire becomes readily attainable. 

5/10 - tour day 12
Slept 1:20-5:40 no pt
5:50-6:50 going back to bed
Had a real big time at the show last night with old and new friends. Felt great about it but also get v tired at the end and now I’m seeing the effects on my practice. But am I being too precious about my practice? As long as I can go on retreat for extended periods it’s probably better not to worry about how much sitting I can get in to non-retreat days, as long as I don’t drop it entirely. 
The last time I went on tour I had no question about practice, but it was a much shorter tour, just a couple weeks after the long winter retreat. 
9:00-11:00 v still and peaceful w almost no mental activity most of the time. At the end I noticed that my feet and hands had disappeared but I could still feel my butt and back, and then I noticed the effort of noticing. Removing hearing protection I was pleased to notice the person in the next room playing loud music that I didn’t hear at all. 
16:40-17:35 Zhan zhuang wk19d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minBarefoot outside by the water exchanging energy with a big old tree, sun and clouds and wind, just beautiful 

5/11 - tour day 13
Slept 1:10-6:50 did pt
7:15-9:00 quite flat in terms of sine wave. Noticing a correlation bt not using earplugs and the mildly pleasant body sensations. Slight increase in mental activity in the last 15-30 min but no total absence of consciousness throughout, just a sparseness, awareness of emptiness though not in any kind of special way. 
9:50-11:20 duration of sits tends to decrease when I’m on the road bc I’m less rooted and it always feels like there are things I need to be doing or paying attention to in the mundane world. In any case during this sit I noticed thoughts appearing at a medium rate and gradually decreasing and later increasing again. Not much sound or sensation, nothing especially pleasant or unpleasant. 
12:20-13:20 Zhan zhuang wk20d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minSame spot as yesterday, a bit cooler and less wind. It always goes by faster and feels better to bring the attention  to every part of the body. 
Such a late night for me but so joyous and beautiful. Everywhere I’ve been on this tour I’ve wanted to stay longer. I see so much beauty and kindness and love in the people I meet yet I’m not falling nearly as hard as I used to into old patterns of longing and attachment. Without drinking or smoking i participate fully in these gatherings with some kind of non-aloof detachment. Like it’s possible to be present without trying to hold on to anything, right? That’s what it feels like is happening. Just feeling a lot of gratitude and love and also feeling soooo tired. Long long drives tomorrow and the next day. Wish me luck. 

5/12 - tour day 14
Slept 2:30-6:50 did pt
7:25-8:40 had to move my car before sitting and had an encounter with a neighbor about parking and that and having to get on the road in a few hours make for less than ideal conditions for this practice. Without holding on to any particular thoughts or feelings, just observing and allowing, I still felt like I don’t have enough time to sit as long as usual. Body and mind felt calm nonetheless. 
9:20-11:00 a bit deeper calm than last sit
11:35-12:30 Zhan zhuang wk20d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
20:40-21:40 sitting directly after the combo of hot bath + cold shower starts out with body tingling and feeling wholesome and good, into observing mental activity and eventually dropping consciousness until the timer goes off.

5/13 - tour day 15
Slept 10:10-4:15 did pt
4:40-6:10 one long very shallow wave of consciousness followed by one long wave without. Coming out of it feeling the fatigue of yesterday’s drive. 
7:00-8:25 same as last sit except there were some dream-like stories coming up towards the end along with a sense of urgency.
17:25-18:20 Zhan zhuang wk20d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/14 - tour day 16
Slept 23:10-4:30 did pt
4:55-6:40 same long wave as yesterday but today I can back into consciousness and stayed with that disoriented discomfort and it became more comfortable. New sound: I heard bells like a glockenspiel in my minds ear. And although I sat for longer than usual back on the conscious side of the wave I still allowed worldly concerns to get me up before the timer went off. Tour has been really great in so many ways but I look forward to getting home and back to weekly retreat days.
7:30-9:10 went through a cycle starting above the line, dipping below for a good while, then coming back up and then experienced what seemed like several shorter cycles where thoughts would be present and then emptiness, then thoughts again and back to emptiness, almost abruptly. 
9:40-10:35 Zhan zhuang wk20d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
17:10-18:15 thoughts moving at a moderate tempo, pleasant body sensations spreading all over while the sense of having a body seems to fade in and out, noticing sounds of chickadees and distant cars and the correlation bt sounds and body sensations. Stayed above the line of consciousness the whole time but just barely. 

5/15 - tour day 17
Slept 23:40-5:05 did pt
5:30-7:20 late night last night, going back to bed but this was the usual pattern of dipping below consciousness and back up. 
It wasn’t a particularly late night last night actually, I think I just feel so tired because I’m finally in a place with real quiet, clean air, trees and space, and my body is ready to catch up on rest and let go further than I could in a big city. 
9:05-10:55 dipped again below the line, came back up and sat with a mild discomfort in tailbone before a sense of restlessness got me up
14:10-15:05 Zhan zhuang wk20d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minGot bit by several mosquitoes and focused on the sensations til they changed. Keeping attention on body sensations and consciously relaxing each part is the best 

5/16 - tour day 18
Slept 22:30-5:15 did pt
5:40-7:55 stayed conscious likely due to some mild but persistent indigestion. Moderate mental activity, musical thoughts and other random mundane thoughts, the usual mildly pleasant body sensations were pretty constant. Noticing the correlation bt staying conscious and sitting slightly longer than usual. 
8:55-11:10 again no lapse in consciousness and thoughts coming and going without any effort. Pleasant body sensations throughout and no more indigestion. Occasional feelings of restlessness or desire for understanding coming and going. 
11:30-12:25 Zhan zhuang wk20d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
17:20-17:40 just a short sit, nothing special. I heard my friends come home and want to spend time with them before I leave tomorrow. 

5/17 - tour day 19
Slept 21:15-5:05 did pt
5:30-7:10 stayed conscious the whole time but did get v relaxed w thoughts slowing down and almost totally stopping. Body sensations neutral and not v strong. Maybe staying conscious correlates with getting enough sleep lol
8:00-8:55 much shorter sit than usual, just got a long drive and mentally I’m already on the road. Anyway it was the usual peaceful time with thoughts going on at a moderate pace, body neutral and occasionally slightly pleasant. 
20:20-21:15 Zhan zhuang wk20d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/18- tour day 20
Slept 22:35-4:50 did pt
5:15-6:20 just out of the usual practice, using double ear plugs and driving even longer today than yesterday but otherwise it was a peaceful sit stayed conscious the whole time 
7:00-8:25 may have dipped below the line for some of that. In any case there was a long stretch wo any noticeable thinking.
16:25-16:40 ba duan jin at a rest stop 
Skipped ZZ today for the first time since I started doing it 

5/19 - tour day 21 - driving home today!
Slept 22:20-4:20 did pt
4:45-6:30 deep stillness with a couple thoughts/feelings of what time is it, do I need to get going?
7:15-8:50 similar to last sit, used double ear protection both times. Had a thought about dying, like grasping a tree branch coming out of a cliff and losing my grip as in a cartoon, imagined I’d have no thought about it just notice what’s happening and then thought, wait! May all beings be well! And then I realized I was doing and tried to let go but figured it’s time to get on the road anyway. 

5/20
Slept 00:45-6:30 no pt
6:35-8:35 kinda sleepy deep stillness, close to no mental activity, low energy
9:15-11:15 more energy, a few v fleeting and subtle pleasant body sensations, more thinking towards the end 
21:00-21:55 Zhan zhuang wk21d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/21
Slept 00:15-5:00 did pt
5:20-7:35 thoughts mosty or entirely absent until the last bit when thoughts start to show up and I notice them without judgement and only a small amount of curiosity 
Without seeking comfort I’m noticing that I’m becoming more comfortable with not knowing very clearly what I’m doing or why, continuing to give in to the process of surrendering, trusting, allowing. I’m also noticing more not-doing. Even though it feels like my days continue to be full, if given the choice now between doing and not doing I prefer not doing, not moving, not speaking, not trying. 
8:20-10:35 pretty much exactly the same as the last sit, same arc. I’m becoming more confortable with the discomfort of not knowing what’s next, I’m increasingly less attached to thoughts and although I notice them and allow them to appear and fade on their own I haven’t been labeling them while sitting or practicing telling myself that they are just another form of dukkha. 
Went to an event tonight that I co-organized and saw more people I knew in one place than I’d seen in a while. That and staying til the end were challenging. I noticed a huge difference from how I used to feel in those situations and felt the desire to retreat for an extended period, remove myself from social contact and music and talking as much as possible. I could hear K’s reminder that one can return to the market but first usually has to spend some time away from the city. I felt like a stranger and told myself just to breathe and think positive thoughts but I was just tired and a little regretful that I’d agreed to do it when I was never 100% enthusiastic about it. I’m grateful to have a retreat day tomorrow. 

5/22 - retreat day
Slept 00:00-8:00 did pt
8:20-10:05 flat line just sitting with thoughts, occasional sounds and mild body sensations. Last night really shook me up and I’m just allowing those feelings to continue passing through me. 
10:40-12:55 less thinking, more relaxed, some periods w no thought, the sense of having disappeared or dropped below the line of consciousness, when thoughts return they seem more distant, like they’re not part of me they’re just artifacts or iow resulting from past causes and conditions, not volitional. It’s like they’re on a tv screen and I’m not really watching them closely or analyzing as much but I also can’t help noticing them. 
13:30-14:05 walk, v little thinking, just noticing sights sounds and sensations 
15:55-18:05 not knowing where this will lead or how long it will take and no longer caring, abandoning all mental processes, allowing strata of surrender to be revealed and for all tensions to become emptiness, stillness, no matter how small, these were some of the takeaways from my conversation w K today that stayed with me. This sit followed the usual pattern with nothing remarkable to mention other than an usual moment of brief discomfort in the middle of the back that was rather mild. Noticing it I allowed it to be there and saw it start to fade. 
18:15-18:40 walk
18:45-19:40 Zhan zhuang wk21d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:55-20:55 flat, thoughts coming and going at a medium pace. Gonna start getting ready for bed and maybe sit some more afterwards 
More notes from the conversation with K earlier today:
Re discerning the difference between sense desire and true heart’s calling, the sense desire element will be seen as transitory, illusory
This process is a slow, gentle, tender unhooking of the stickiness of whatever’s happening. Without caring which senses are presenting what the process unfolds naturally and any concepts are released. 
Tune, space, safety, love and attention are required for the caterpillar to become a butterfly. 
The undulating, wavelike (nonlinear) path of openness and receptivity > the perceived certainty or rigidity of a linear approach
Re noticing less external stress leading to a smaller response but with more awareness of it — preferring solitude and/or the company of fewer people and noticing the presence of certain people as less helpful is a natural part of the process
As we open to ourselves doors open to us in the world; letting go doesn’t happen only while sitting

5/23
Slept 23:45-5:50 did pt
6:10-7:30 surprised by how short this was but otherwise I’m noticing increasing indifference with what’s happening and feeling less need to write about it as it’s variations on the same things over and over: neutral/pleasant sensations, waving in and out of mental activity/consciousness, occasional sounds, thoughts coming and going. 
8:10-9:30 another short one, no idea why. More thinking than usual and near constant awareness of cold feet. For some reason I left my socks off. 
This day was quite full and I feel like I pushed myself rather harder than usual but I plan to finish the day with ZZ
22:25-23:20 Zhan zhuang wk21d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/24
Slept 1:20-7:25 did pt
7:45-9:25 started with more thinking than usual and it gradually calmed down to where I dropped consciousness for some time. It came back and I sat some more noticing some thoughts. 
10:05-12:20 less thinking, pretty chill sit. There were one or two moments where I could observe a very brief flash of discomfort come and go, otherwise pretty constantly neutral. 
I got back to my ceremonial prayer circle  for the first time today since before the winter retreat and it was beautiful though not easy. I was able to do ba duan jin and a bit of zhan zhuang by the fire before the ceremony started and that felt great. It was such a perfect day. Warm in the sun, cool under the clouds. 

5/25
Slept 00:00-3:40 did pt
4:00-5:55 feel so drowsy gonna go back to bed
Had a dream about falling in love with people (which something I tend to do whenever I leave the house) and struggling to connect with them on social media, which I take as symbolic of the futility of trying to hold on to anyone or anything.
7:55-10:05 there was a distinct moment of deep forgetting that recalled similar past experiences but this time without any anxiety or resistance, there was almost a welcoming of it. Again, not wanting to analyze, just to notice and allow, but I hope there’s more where that came from. 
10:45-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk21d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 23min Wu chi 3minBack to barefoot outside in the sunshine, so nice 

5/26
Slept 1:30-8:00 did pt
8:15-10:35 comfortably neutral, nothing remarkable. Feeling the call to do less and less. 
11:30-14:00 v calm and still, only a neighbor dog barking to accent the silence. 
18:55-19:50 Zhan zhuang wk22d1Wu chi 200min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
5/27
Slept 00:00-6:30 did pt
6:55-9:25 deep peacefulness with thoughts absent most of the time and then reappearing for a time before the timer went off. For a long time now I’ve been noticing how pleasant sensations will arise regardless of any effort to still the mind or quiet thoughts. I literally sit and do nothing, thoughts come and go, and more often than not these mildly pleasant sensations will arise and stillness of mind usually follows but again with no effort or intention. 
10:05-12:10 more thoughts this time but not the entire time. Neutral and pleasant body sensations as usual. 
16:20-17:15 Zhan zhuang wk22d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/28
Slept 00:10-5:00 did pt
5:20-6:50 low energy gonna lie down for a bit
6:50-8:20 laying down, had disturbing dream involving watching acts of brutality, complicity, in a nightclub setting. Also buying a suit to play a gig with an old friend. The suit was the same as one I already had just less well made. There was also a part about a rope swing in the woods and taking care of a dog that had been mistreated. 
9:45-12:05 idk what’s with the low energy today. Could it be the weather? Am I unconsciously bringing expectations to the practice? Eh I remember now to let go of the need to analyze or understand the experience, just keep going. 
12:20-13:15 Zhan zhuang wk22d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/29 - retreat day
Slept 00:15-5:30 did pt
5:50-7:20 repeating the pattern of going back to bed, just feels right
Slept til 9 like there’s subconscious stuff that wants to surface or I’m just low energy again or both idk
9:45-12:05 more energy than before but still low energy
12:05-13:00 lying down no sleep just lots of thoughts, some of them rather dreamlike
14:00-16:30 the usual patterns, shallow sine wave dipping above and below the axis of consciousness. Using double ear protection tends to put me in a lower energy kind of place. Noticing some subtle effort in letting thoughts come and go without aversion or attachment. 
16:40-15:35 Zhan zhuang wk22d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
17:45-16:20 walk 
19:15-20:35 a pretty flat line resting just in the conscious space, peaceful except for some slight indigestion which is the reason for ending. 

5/30
Slept 23:15-3:55 did pt
4:15-6:00 the usual, low energy
6:00-7:30 lying down, dream material surfacing 
8:10-9:55 just sitting, roommate noise got me up 
19:10-20:05 Zhan zhuang wk22d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

5/31
Slept 1:00-6:50 no pt
7:00-9:30 low energy nothing remarkable 
10:15-12:30 noticing an increase in the frequency and duration of what I’ve been calling moments of deep forgetting. Ie typically taking place just as consciousness is returning and I notice that I don’t know who or where I am, what I’m doing or why. This used to startle me but now it’s peaceful and welcome. It typically only lasts one or a few seconds and ends with noticing that it’s happening and recognizing a self that is doing the noticing. 
20:00-20:55 Zhan zhuang wk22d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/1
Slept 00:10-7:15 did pt
7:30-9:45 the usual, with a couple brief moments of deep forgetting, the last one including what felt like a full body release of some kind, a lightness or lightening. No further associations or effects were felt, just some roommate noise and deciding to get up. 
10:30-12:20 nothing special or memorable other than a long period with brain bubbles, otherwise some pleasant sensations and more thinking than usual, possibly coming from expecting or hoping for more forgetting or lightening experiences
12:45-13:40 Zhan zhuang wk22d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/2
Slept 00:45-6:00 did pt
6:25-7:40 low energy
7:40-8:50 lying down 
9:30-12:00 brain bubbles appearing gently, quietly in middle-top of head just briefly before getting up. Most of the sit spent close to the axis of consciousness, just in that barely conscious space
16:40-17:55 moderate to high energy, very alert, totally conscious, noticing more mental activity than is usually present in morning sits, not holding on to anything but feeling called to spend more time outside today
19:25-20:25 Zhan zhuang wk23d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 15min balloon 21min Wu chi 3minTried practicing w a friend via video call but couldn’t hear the timer bell so my timing was a little off but it was kind of nice to virtually have some company 

6/3
Slept 00:40-4:55 did pt
5:20-6:45 low energy
6:45-8:15 so groggy
8:55-10:50 more energy, noticing more sensations and thoughts coming and going, dipped out and  back into consciousness a couple of times 
13:25-16:20 Zhan zhuang wk23d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3minBeach seemed like a good idea but I’m not get capable of not getting distracted by people blasting music from their portable speakers

6/4
Slept 00:10-5:50 no pt
5:55-7:10 the usual7:10-7:40 lying down. Remembering the pattern of sluggishness with warmer weather and the benefit of a cold shower before sitting
9:35-12:10 started out with more energy, felt smoother throughout, eventually dipping below the axis and later back up with the accompanying awareness of selfing, noticing thought and sensation and remembering not to manipulate experience in any way, just let everything be. When the timer went off I wanted to keep sitting but I know that the bell still carries the significance of finality and I’d have to at least get up and reset. 
12:20- 13:15 Zhan zhuang wk23d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/5 - retreat day
Slept 00:15-7:05 did pt, shower
7:45-9:45 the usual, warm temperature has me feeling groggy 
9:50-10:10 lying down, mind active with dream content but body feels so tired from the heat and it’s only early June. 
10:50-12:35 tried moving back into the attic and although it’s more noisy I noticed that it takes longer for me to perceive the sounds and there’s less story being constructed around them. They’re still disturbing, though, like sirens and vehicles without mufflers. Aside from all that it was typical mildly pleasant sensations and occasional thoughts coming and going. Ended due to nature’s call. 
13:25-14:25 back to bedroom where it’s a bit warmer but quieter. 
14:25-15:55 lying down 
16:00-17:30 just feeling so warm and sluggish today, lethargic even, but that last sit felt very gentle, and for a few moments there was a feeling of nothing being able to stick, like a slipperiness, that eventually became a sort of identity and also slipped away
17:35-18:30 Zhan zhuang wk23d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:05-19:50 calmly agitated, noticing a seemingly endless stream of thoughts and sometimes getting caught in thinking about the experience or wishing for it to be somehow different. Not exactly uncomfortable, with mildly pleasant sensations arising briefly and sparsely here and there. I’m not accustomed to sitting with this much energy and I suspect my practice would benefit from sitting later in the day like this more frequently.
21:00-22:00 started out much like the last sit but after some time (maybe half an hour?) mental activity slowed and experience became more comfortable. 

6/6
Slept 01:00-6:00 did pt
6:20-8:20 calm and quiet, the usual patterns. One or two moments of increased thought that passed. There are thoughts that try to grab hold more strongly or that are more sticky, typically thoughts about what’s planned for the day and how much time do I have available. 
9:10-11:10 more alert and just sitting for most of the time seeing thoughts come and go, noticing some as more sticky than others, eventually sinking into the less conscious space without thinking, coming back from there without any stress just observing the return of thinking 
20:45-21:40 Zhan zhuang wk23d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/7
Slept 00:50-5:20 did pt
5:45-7:00 my body is like, “please lie down now.”
7:00-7:35 lying down
8:15-9:55 the usual pleasant feelings associated with stillness and silence interrupted by noise from the person who’s staying over. I’m glad I can give them a place to stay and usually love to host but I was hesitant because I’m in this phase of life where I’m more sensitive than usual. More phenomena to notice and let be. 
Skipped qigong today bc I spent the day at ceremony and that was more than enough energy purification and healing for a day.

6/8
Slept 00:35-7:15 did pt
7:35-8:50 too peaceful must lie down
8:50-9:30 lying down
10:20-12:10 just getting used to using earplugs and over the ear muffs again. They tend to knock me out but that last sit had adequate energy for me to keep going. The past few days I’ve been noticing a pattern of my body slowly starting to lean to the left as I sit, which then disrupts whatever was going on as I bring intention into righting the body. 
20:25-21:20 Zhan zhuang wk23d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/9
Slept 00:40-6:05 did pt
6:30-8:50 it’s so interesting to experience dreams while conscious. It’s like lucid dreaming, I suppose, but I lack any desire to engage or control, I’m so used to simply noticing and allowing. 
9:30-11:00 body calm, mind active, getting caught up in thoughts about what’s happening today
16:10-17:05 Zhan zhuang wk23d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/10
Slept 00:10-6:45 did pt
7:10-9:25 calmly noticing and allowing. Dipped gently out and back into consciousness. How can I surrender further without any effort?
10:00-12:30 it’s pretty amazing to me that I can drink 1.5 quarts of water with breakfast and then sit 2.5 hours before needing to pee. I guess the metabolism slows down quite a bit! Experience similar to last sit, lightly pleasant, almost syrupy texture to the experience with some periods with thinking and some without. The only disturbing or challenging sensations that arise take the form of itchiness, which becomes pleasant when left alone and simply observed. 
21:40-22:35 Zhan zhuang wk24d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/11
Slept 1:30-5:25 did pt
5:50-7:15 low energy
7:15-8:05 lying down 
8:45-10:40 slightly more energy but overall pretty murky. Noticing attachment to story and identity, ie “I am sitting here meditating.”
10:40-11:55 lying down, so low energy today 
14:45-15:40 Zhan zhuang wk24d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/12 - Retreat Day
Slept 00:05-8:00 did pt
8:25-10:05 a decrease in my usual patience 
10:05-10:40 lying down until the dream material gets so ridiculous I don’t want to be entertained by it 
11:20-12:30 I put a box fan right in front of my seat and it’s maybe more distracting than just dripping sweat, as I was doing the last few days. Still experimenting to optimize conditions. 
12:30-13:45 lying down 
14:55-17:25 more energy than previous sits today, felt like a long time sitting calmly just letting thoughts flow and noticing v subtle and faintly pleasant sensations in the body. At some point consciousness faded and returned, all v un-drastically. 
17:30-17:50 lying down, peacefully restless
18:20-19:15 Zhan zhuang wk24d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min
19:50-20:50 a flat line of consciousness streaming thoughts constantly at a medium to slow pace, sometimes noticing the absence of thought but noticing the noticing as thought.

6/13
Slept 00:40-5:30 did pt
5:50-7:00 itchy, groggy
7:00-8:00 lying down
9:00-11:05 more energy, the usual pleasant sensations and some deep itchy pin prickles. A v gentle dip out and back into consciousness 
11:50-12:45 Zhan zhuang wk24d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/14
Slept 00:40-6:25 no pt
6:30-8:20 just sat like a lump the entire time, neither conscious or unconscious, just super low energy. The only thought that would occasionally come was noticing how tired I felt and maybe I’ll lie down but just remained still. 
8:20-8:40 lying down 
9:20-11:50 sat wo earplugs for first 1.5hrs while neighbors played w power tools, noticing how the noise didn’t seem to enter my awareness as fast or as deeply and then after that time I put the earplugs in and had a typically gentle sit with no sounds, faint and inconsistent pleasant sensations and little to no thoughts present. 
12:00-12:55 Zhan zhuang wk24d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min 
I’ve been making preparations the past few weeks to enter into long term or indefinite retreat mode starting in mid-September. After the last long retreat I knew I’d do another three months this winter but as the months have gone by and I’ve been faced with choices, eg the “false spiritual lover” representing the possible fulfillment of past desires, I’ve been able to discern the true calling of the heart for retreat with no deadline, what my teacher friend K refers to as the open horizon. 
Re location, I think staying home is the simplest and therefore most logical option, but there may be some other options as well. My roommate is supportive and offered to help with grocery shopping and food prep, which would be super helpful. The neighborhood is pretty noisy at times but I’ve found that if I sit in my bedroom instead of the attic the sounds from the street are greatly attenuated. I’ve also become more comfortable with using earplugs. 
I’ve already told most of my friends, family, and people I work with that I’ll be away but if they absolutely need me for something they can let me know via a letter in my mailbox or by contacting K, with whom I’ll be in touch, and I’ll do my best to show up and help. I’m not sure if that’s a smart move, I just want them to know how to reach me in case of emergency. 
I still have three months to figure out logistics and I’d love to hear from anyone who has done anything like this, especially re avoiding burning bridges professionally, handling taxes and paying bills, all that kind of stuff, and any other advice or questions worth considering. 

6/15
Slept 23:45-5:25 did pt
5:50-6:10 as much as I want to sit like usual I can’t due to indigestion from binging on sweets yesterday. Also slept poorly thanks to neighbors setting off fireworks outside my bedroom window late at night. Gonna try again later. 
6:20-8:30 lying down, drowsy, not fully conscious
9:05-10:40 peaceful, near-total absence of thought. After noticing the feeling of a full bladder I also detected a very faint sensation of melting or dissolving around my head. I wish I didn’t have to drink so much water or pee so soon after doing so. 
10:45-11:40 Zhan zhuang wk24d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/16
Slept 00:00-6:20 did pt
6:55-9:15 some thinking then no thinking then some thinking again
10:05-12:00 same as last sit except the part with no thinking seemed not to last as long and the part with thinking that followed lasted longer. Overall feeling v neutral emotionally, mildly pleasant physically, and slightly questioning intellectually. Still noticing the presence of a self that seeks to analyze and understand.
20:50-21:45 Zhan zhuang wk24d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/17
Slept 00:35-6:00 did pt
6:25-7:10 too tired and hot, putting fan on and lying down 
7:10-8:30 lying down. this weather is disorienting 
9:15-10:20 idk what’s going on why I’m sitting for shorter periods I can only think it’s the weather but also why do I care
10:25-11:45 lying down, not really meditating just dozing 
21:30-22:25 Zhan zhuang wk25d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/18
Slept 1:00-7:00 did pt and shower
7:35-9:45 thoughts, no thoughts and then thoughts again plus some sounds and sensations. Noticing that nothing seems to stick, but noticing the noticer and its persistence
10:30-12:05 same as last time but the period wo thoughts must have gone by faster. I had the intention to sit for longer but just sitting there with thoughts coming and going for so long I ended up with a near-yawn and a tiny toe fidget and decided that was that for now. 
12:50-13:45 Zhan zhuang wk25d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min

6/19 - Retreat day
Slept 00:15-7:50 no pt
8:00-10:30 in the interest of getting plenty of sleep I went back to bed twice after waking up so felt a little strange by the time I got to sitting, also skipped pt and shower as the weather is slightly cooler today. This sit followed the usual patterns, shallow sine wave. There were a couple moments when I questioned myself, why keep sitting you’ve been sitting long enough, but having low energy in this case helped me to stay still and that questioning would pass fairly quickly. When the timer bell went off I felt like I could’ve kept going but also knew it was already late in the day for breakfast
11:15-13:35 v similar to last sit but w slightly more energy. There was a sort of a small spasm that happened in my foot towards the end that kind of shook everything up. I remember seeing my whole body shake for an instant in my minds eye and then wondering what was that that just happened and did it really happen bc it happened so fast. But soon after that there was an involuntary twitch in the toes and a little yawn so I got up and ended it there, despite the awareness that “this is the edge.”
15:50-17:25 no dip below the axis, just stayed there with consciousness the whole time, noticing thoughts arising and passing, pleasant sensations in the body, and two extended stays of the ice cream truck and how the sounds it makes disturb the silence but don’t irritate me like they used to. 
17:35-18:30 Zhan zhuang wk25d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 15min holding the belly 5min Wu chi 3minFirst day adding the third position into the routine and it was nothing drastic. Felt some qi in the wrists and overall pretty easy and restful. 
19:50-20:55 same as last sit except I didn’t last as long wo a tiny fidget. How is it that the later in the day it gets the slower time goes by?

6/20
Slept 23:00-4:00 did pt + shower
4:40-7:00 some more intense than usual dream material with a more abrupt than usual spasm at the end. Forgot where/who I was at least once. 
7:00-7:40 lying down, more bizarre dream material coming up 
8:45-10:35 just slightly disoriented but with the usual pleasant sensations and mental calm. There was another foot spasm about halfway through but I kept still afterwards. What’s with all the spasms? It’s not physically uncomfortable, just startling. 
10:40-11:45 Zhan zhuang wk25d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3minFeeling calm, relaxed and energized Maybe the spasms have something to do with the change in ZZ routine?

6/21
Slept 23:50-6:30 did pt
6:55-8:55 sitting in a different environment than usual, the morning after shortest night of the year is blessedly overcast and cool, lots of intermittent noise from the folks that live here loading their truck and chatting but aside from that the overall sitting experience was much like usual. Pleasant sensations, more and different sounds than usual, and periods of thought and no thought. 
9:40-11:30 similar to last sit, much more noise than I’d expected. I thought the guy w the truck was all done here when he drove away before but he came back and resumed starting the engine, driving for two seconds, turning it off, tossing something heavy into the back of the truck, and repeating with door slams. Still felt peaceful in the body and no problems, noticing how sounds seem to produce sensations in the body. Just have to get to the gig on time so not able to sit as long as I’d like.
No Zhan zhuang today as I was driving all over the state for work although I did doBa duan jin
I was planning to start retreat tonight but just got home so late and realized I’m too tired to pack up and get back in the car, so I’ll start tomorrow

6/22 - Day 1 of short retreat 
Slept 1:45-7:00 did pt
7:30-8:30 voice in my head clearly said go back to bed
8:30-10:15 lying down that didnt seem parricularly restful nor meditative
11:05-13:20 this followed more the usual patterns although there was one moment where it seemed like consciousness was about to go but I caught it and returned to thinking. This was preceded by a period of no thought and followed later by a period with no thought, I just don’t think I can recall that happening before. 
Started the day at home and after sitting and lunch I packed up and went to my parents place which is empty atm and slightly quieter than my place. I stopped on the way for a quick grocery run, remembering some essentials, like bread, and forgetting some nonessentials, like butter. So glad to have arrived and to have access to this space. 
15:40-17:00 comfy and peaceful, thoughts gradually dissipate and eventually return. Sitting w double ear protection doesn’t block the sound of sore sirens. I’ve traded the sounds of ice cream trucks, fireworks, children playing, loud music and vehicles for just the sound of an occasional siren, as the place I’m at is on a main street. im noticing more moments of experiencing sounds, sensations and thoughts as just happening, and not specifically happening “to me.” I’m not feeling the absence of a self exactly, as I haven’t felt a great presence of a self in a long time, but I’m noticing an increased awareness of emptiness, or it may feel more accurate to say the presence of absence.
17:05-17:35 lying down, thoughts arising at a fairly constant medium frequency 
Going to try sitting in the hallway as far from any windows as possible and see what difference that makes 
17:45-18:35 seemed a bit quieter in this spot, just sitting with thoughts coming and going, no feeling attached to the thoughts for the most part, no sense of agency or choice either, just stuff, like seeing the dust floating in a ray of sunlight. 
18:40-19:45 Zhan zhuang wk25d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min
20:00-20:30 walking, noticing mostly sensation in feet and rest of body, sparse thoughts, and novel sights as I walk around the neighborhood down streets I haven’t walked down before
20:45-21:25 thoughts arising slower than usual for this time of day but still somehow I’m unable to sit for long or completely let go of all thinking. Sparse mildly pleasant sensations in body and minimal sounds. 
6/23 - short retreat day 2
Slept 23:20-8:00 did pt
8:20-10:05 typical peaceful sit, thoughts, no thoughts, thoughts. Experimented with bringing more attention to labeling thoughts but it felt effortful and unnecessary. Thoughts be thinkin and generally not here and now. 
10:40-12:05 same as usual just surprised it’s such a short time gonna try lying down for a bit 
12:05-12:30 more thinking while lying down than while sitting. Grateful for the silence
12:35-13:10 sits keep getting shorter but I’m just listening to my body saying time to eat
Halfway through day 2 of retreat and I’m seeing familiar patterns of restlessness and persistent musical thoughts and fantasies, but I don’t have the same expectations as I’ve had in the past. I really want to just let go, let everything happen on its own, including thoughts. Ie, not to engage with them or fight them off, just let everything be. At the same time I notice a feeling of impatience for liberation. I know there’s nothing to be done and that doing or striving just leads to more doing and striving. Coming back to the image of being an ice cube melting into the ocean.
14:10-15:30 there’s a subtle feeling of disappointment or irritation that comes with returning to consciousness and thoughts after having been without for some time. It’s like I got more melted and then partially refrozen. I just want to stay melted but for that to happen I need to let go of any attachment to that desire. 
15:35-15:55 lying down and again w nonstop mental activity. Even though it’s v hot outside I’m gonna go for a walk
16:00-16:40 walking, first half open awareness just noticing sensations of heat, feet, movement, sounds of traffic and people yelling, musical thoughts, on the way back focused on counting steps
16:55-17:55 Zhan zhuang wk25d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min
18:35-19:55 that was a longer sit than I thought it would be at this time of day. Felt like my heart was beating fast, lots of thoughts coming, sometimes fast and sometimes more slowly, sometimes emotionally charged and sometimes pretty empty of any meaning or association, sometimes pure music. Noticing the paradox of wanting to stop caring so much, wanting to let go of wanting.
Despite the near constant equanimity I’m seeing with more clarity a subtle sense of being trapped by the desire to completely let go. I feel like I can keep doing what I’ve been doing, ie sitting as much as possible, which has led to some progress and I haven’t been doing it for that long, but I also feel like changing it up somehow, calling off the search. Can I just give up? I mean, yes, of course I can, at least in theory, but what does that look like? I still want to do not-doing, so if that’s the case I just have to see that desire to do and drop it every time it comes up?
20:35-21:25 walking with open awareness, noticing the beautiful trees in the light of the setting sun, hearing them call to me and pausing to touch and sniff them, taking off my shoes to walk barefoot in the grass, walking slower than usual and with a light heart. 
K says only true surrender will resolve the paradox. I reply: True surrender isn’t something I can do, though. It can only happen when I stop trying to surrender or to do anything in particular. This is what I’m getting from current practice. When surrender is happening there’s no effort involved. As soon as I notice anything other than surrender there’s the effort of letting it go. 
K replied: Yes, it just becomes more and more subtle.  Just keep going.  You’re on the right track. 
21:35-22:05 just sitting noticing thoughts and some moments without thought, some pleasant sensations, that lightness in the heart, allowing the paradox to be as it is, not searching for material to release just allowing everything to be 

6/24 - short retreat day 3

Slept 23:35-6:00 did pt

6:20-7:55 just sitting the usual

7:55-10:00 lying down, idk why just feeling so sluggish and not gonna fight it

10:35-12:55 stayed above the axis of consciousness the entire time and most of the time felt a low level of agitation which eventually settled into peacefulness. Thoughts never stopped for any extended period but did gradually thin out a bit. Nothing disturbing, just still noticing that feeling of impatience that seems to accompany noticing any kind of attachment. Remembering my comparison of thoughts to farts, and how it’s possible to control them but if you’re by yourself and at rest best to just let them go. And it can feel good to let them go but it can also get annoying when there are lots of them and they don’t seem to stop. 

13:50-15:15 some periods of thought and some without and a stretch below the axis of consciousness, ie no thought, no sound, no sensation, no sense of time passing. S thinks this could be nirodha samadhi and K refers to it as bhavanga. For all I know it could be plain old dozing off although it does feel different, somehow lighter. At least coming out of it doesn’t feel like waking up from a nap. I also noticed the return of an old friend, discomfort in the tailbone. I feel fortunate that there is a near-constant presence of lightly pleasant sensations, mostly in the legs and feet, sort of like a blanket of light, even when discomfort is present in other areas. 

15:50-16:20 walking the hallway, not much thinking, just walking and noticing sensations and sounds, feeling calm

16:25-17:25 thoughts are slowing down but still constantly present. I feel 95% calm, at peace, etc and the remaining sense of resistance is too subtle for me to be able to consciously recognize, notice, let go of, Do anything. No choice but to sit with it and let it be what it is, allow the process to unfold in its own way and remember my motto of “effortless trusting surrender.” 

17:30-18:35 Zhan zhuang wk25d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

18:50-19:50 walking, more farts than thoughts. Btw, farts, like thoughts (or any other phenomena for that matter), are simply the result of past conditioning. Even if you stop eating you’ll still have to fart, just like if you sit still you’ll still have thoughts. These are simply products of being alive, or rather, products of having been alive. 

20:00-20:50 just sitting, initially thoughts are sparsely appearing and gradually increasing in frequency though not intensity. Idk why I got up, just that old impatience I guess, expecting something to happen when really the goal is for nothing to happen. The first time I really experienced that sense of infinite space and stillness during the long retreat last winter it was such a wonderful discovery, so beautiful. “This is real!” But it came after weeks of seeking and striving, arriving only when I dropped the search, stopped caring. Does this kind of cycle need to repeat? Or do I (can I) just drift along and slowly slowly melt into the sea?

6/25 - short retreat day 4

Slept 23:55-6:10 did pt

6:30:-8:20 that was a nice time til I felt like I might fall asleep and also had to pee

8:25-10:25 lying down, feeling heavy 

10:55-12:00 peacefully letting the thoughts come and go, v light tingling in chest as well as the usual sensations in lower body. Wish I could keep sitting but nature calls

12:10-13:40 settled into a pleasant flow, thoughts sparse and body calm and close to disappeared. Nothing sticks to an ice cube in the ocean, though it may get brushed with seaweed or bumped by plastic waste or sea creatures, it may get bounced around by waves, but nothing sticks. 
I don’t feel like my state of being is any different when I’m sitting vs doing anything else, it’s just that sitting tends to be a lot more boring, ie there’s very little happening and there’s less illusion of control than when I’m, say, making lunch, for example. It’s like watching an interminably long boring movie that occasionally has a mildly surprising bit or a distracting moment but it’s hard sometimes to stay present with it and not get impatient for it to end. 

14:40-16:10 similar to last sit, and towards the end I started to feel the sensations of the body dissolving moving beyond the lower body and into the hands. Also noticing that the noises of the environment, both the constant, predictable sounds like traffic, and the inconsistent, unpredictable sounds like neighbors, are not disturbing me at all, even though I am noticing them, ie im not in a state without sounds, sensations, etc

16:15-17:20 Zhan zhuang wk26d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

17:35-18:00 walking feeling little raindrops on my skin and breathing the cooler humid air

18:35-19:40 peaceful, monotonous, boring. I mean, there are some fun thoughts arising, mostly musical ones, but I’m not holding onto them. When it comes to musical thoughts it’s less like a movie and more like a video game, or something in between. It’s more interactive, it invites engagement, creative participation. I can feel what it would feel like to produce these sounds on an instrument and at the same time I can see the process as not-me. Improvisation and ornamention of existing melodies or composition of new ones is yet another product of conditions, albeit more refined than some. What one would call my sense of taste or my creative ability is all simply a result of hearing and playing everything I’ve ever heard and played before, the places I’ve been, the people I’ve learned from. 

20:45-21:45 same as usual. I tried some anapanasati for like five minutes towards the end and got a little shot of serenity, pleasant body sensations, etc, accompanied by the impatience of recognizing it as another conditioned state

6/26 - short retreat day 5

Slept 23:50-4:20 did pt

4:45-6:45 stayed above the line for a v long time with thoughts coming constantly. Only very gradually and slowly did they slow down and I experienced some period without thought, time, sound or sensation. I remember feeling slightly anxious that I may just be stuck in this new place for a long time of staying conscious with more thoughts coming, but also interpreting it as potentially positive, as progress, even if it is less comfortable. With the return of thoughts came the awareness once again that they are happening constantly on their own, “I” am not making them happen although I still identify as the one who notices them. Can I relax the sense of identification with The Noticer and simply allow phenomena to be noticed or not noticed? If so, am I still meditating? Is some degree of letting go of mindfulness necessary in order to “fall awake”?

6:50-7:00 lying down, body tired and mind active 

I’m starting to discern a distinction bt “noticing,” as an activity, and “being aware,” as a way of being. The main difference is that being aware takes no effort. Eating breakfast I was enjoying each bite, watching the spoon approach my face, setting the spoon back down, being alive, seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing each moment. The feeling that there is only this moment (inasmuch as anything “is”) and being fully present. “This moment could be your last.” In fact, this one long moment IS my last, even as I cling to the delusion of this small moment being disposable, only a fraction of a lifetime, one of a string of nearly-infinite moments I’ll experience. I remember when I was much younger thinking that I’d like to be doing something enjoyable at the moment of death, like taking a bite of chocolate cake, for example. But it’s not the subject of awareness that matters, it’s the being aware that allows for the enjoyment to happen. In this way I suppose it would be possible to “enjoy” anything, even unpleasant things, simply by being fully present and aware. 

Of course, dropping effort is something I tell my students to do all the time. In order to drop the effort you also have to drop the judgement and insecurity and instead adopt total trust. 

7:55-9:15 similar to last sit but I got below the axis sooner and when I came back above it my hands and feet had disappeared but I was aware of breathing, swallowing, and tailbone. Letting go of effort, just experiencing takes no effort but now I have to drop the attachment or expectation for any kind of experience. When I start noticing “I’m experiencing this and that” then I’m not just experiencing anymore and the effort is back. 

9:20-9:40 lying down and overthinking. It’s a trick to ride the wave back to consciousness and not check in and evaluate “this is pleasant,” or “this is uncomfortable,” or “I’m still here.” I suspect that impulse has an element of fear to it, fear of disappearing, sort of like the ego saying “hey, you still need me!”

9:45-11:20 a couple of times during that sit I reminded myself to bring the same awareness I had at breakfast to just being in the chair — this breath could be your last, there is only this moment, etc — but it became a puzzle. “How did I do that earlier?” I didn’t do it, “I” wasn’t there, it was just existence + awareness, no effort, no doing. So the rest of the time I was just sitting and noticing sounds, of which there were many. Gonna go back to using earplugs later and see what happens. 

12:30-14:00 using earplugs -> 100% more blissful, although they do start to feel irritating after a while. I totally underestimated the effect the noise was having as its different noise than what I encounter at home. Still I don’t understand why I’m not sitting for longer. It’s like the internal dialogue about how long I’ve been sitting (how well I’m doing or how much longer can I keep it going) somehow takes over and rather than sit through it I just get up in order to shut it down. Simple attachment/aversion pattern. Every time I do that it feels like a missed opportunity to face that pattern, although to be fair I have faced it many times and continue to, it’s just not yet at a place of consistently sitting as long as intended.

14:40-14:55 walking the hallway letting everything be

15:00-16:00 “I” do not exist, but I do need to pee, unfortunately 

16:00-17:05 Zhan zhuang wk26d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3minGot a bit of that floating feeling at the end

17:15-18:10 walking, recalling, “if it’s cold then let the cold kill you; if it’s hot then let the heat kill you.”

19:00-19:55 body calm, mind restless. I’m letting the mind tangle itself up in thoughts when I really want to slice through it all and allow the dust to flow on its own. I see the emptiness of the thoughts but that doesn’t stop them from coming. Indifference will be a better friend to me here than aversion. 

20:50-21:15 walking and thinking, “who is thinking?”

21:15-22:05 after sitting with the usual thought patterns for a while I tried progressively relaxing each body part. It felt nice but before I finished with the whole body i got impatient as it felt like so much Doing. It’s worth it I’m sure, ends justifying the means, I’m just accustomed to sitting and the default being a peaceful calm state with or without thoughts. Somehow removing the usual distractions and obligations has led to expectations that have led to subtle frustration. I still feel pretty great in the body, relaxed and at ease, but I need to drop expectations, or even better, avoid forming them in the first place.

6/27 - short retreat day 6 (last day)

Slept 00:05-6:010 did pt

6:30-7:45 that was quite short but felt more like usual, maybe bc I know this is the last morning of the retreat and I didn’t bring the same expectations. I’ve always had a tendency to be an all or nothing kind  of person and I understand the idea of retreat allowing one to bring all their energy to the process but it’s for sure smoother and easier feeling for me in general when it’s not the only thing going on in my life. 
7:45-8:35 lying down 

9:20-12;00 that was much more like what I’m used to experiencing at home. Aside from resolving to drop the aversion and just let everything be I don’t know how it happened or what it took. Going into retreat space is just a very different experience and it may have just taken this long to make the transition. Too bad I’m going back to non-retreat life today but I can remember all this for next time. 

13:20-14:15 another peaceful sit with thoughts coming and going, some periods with no thought and maybe just riding the line of consciousness, not sure if it really went far below or not. Just a shorter one as I’m packing up and heading out, taking care of some business before the end of the business week. 

18:15-19:20 Zhan zhuang wk26d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

22:50-23:25 so much harder for me to get into the space of just being later in the day. This is edge territory for sure but also I’m tired and need to sleep. 

6/28
Slept 1:45-5:00 did pt

5:25-7:25 this was more like usual although I ended earlier than intended bc I thought I had an ant on my face. It turned out to be that my hair is getting longer. I just have to remember not to do anything special, no effort, no remembering, just sitting doing nothing. 

8:10-9:50 that got nice and deep and then I didn’t want to get up but somehow decided that should leave myself wanting more? Idk trying to just accept whatever is happening. It’s a full day ahead and I look forward to sitting again before bed even if it’s just for a few minutes. 
11:30-12:30 Zhan zhuang wk26d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

23:20-23:55 that was nice and peaceful. Wish I could sit for longer but I need to zzz. I tend to do well with sitting in the morning and evening ie have an easier time of it. 

This is all really, really good. 

Thank you, John. I sometimes wonder if anyone is reading this. I'm not fishing for comments or anything but it is nice to hear from folks out here. Although I've been doing consistent formal practice since 2018 I feel like I'm still a newbie, to this forum and to practice.

6/29

Slept 1:45-6:35 did pt

6:55-9:15 that was more like the usual, comfy peaceful and sine wave drifting. 

10:15-12:45 same as above. V neutral, even w some mild discomfort developing in tailbone. I think in this environment i have an expectation or a habit of sitting in this way, and going on retreat I added a new layer of expectation and possibly even anxiety or at least intensity to the equation that wasn’t necessary. The practice of seeing dukkha really is getting more and more subtle. I thought “I’ll just sit for five or six days and do nothing else,” but deep down I was thinking “And I’ll make some important progress,” or, “And it’ll be a lovely time.” Back at home I am literally just sitting doing nothing and now I can see the difference. 

13:00-14:05 Zhan zhuang wk26d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3minNoticing just today an obvious connection between this practice and the sitting practice: noticing tension in the body and letting it go, repeatedly and without any judgement. 

6/30

Slept 1:15-5:35 did pt

6:00-8:30 staying conscious the entire time I feel surprised that i actually sat 2.5hrs as the time went by fast. Thoughts were present but for the most part they were vague and fleeting. 

9:30-11:20 similar experience with a dip below the axis of unknown duration. More noise in the house this time and thoughts with more definition and somewhat more engagement or attachment. The general pattern is for the first sit of the dat to be the smoothest and then it gets rockier from there. Silence is really beneficial at this stage. 

12:00-13:00 Zhan zhuang wk26d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

7/1

00:40-1:00 post shower pre bed sit, I felt relaxed in the body, mind active esp w judgement re doing too many things in a day, esp such a hot day. This is just a moment of life where a lot of things are happening and they all feel worthwhile but I’m craving more space and more stillness. I generally want to have one thing per day on the calendar but these days I’m having several and the days are full. Still I feel blessed that the days are full of things that bring joy and fulfillment. 

Slept 1:35-6:50 did pt

7:20-8:50 need to lie down some more

8:50-10:20 lying down, navigating difficult dream content involving human fear and cruelty and helplessness. There were moments where I could have changed what was happening but I felt committed to letting everything happen without interfering and observing. 

11:00-12:50 lots of the usual mild pleasant sensations, a dip below the axis and a moment while coming back above the axis of not knowing who or where I was. I actually opened my eyes a sliver and saw my hands and it all came back right away: oh right, I’m me, I’m sitting here in my house, letting go. A couple of moments I would describe as micro dissolving, just subtle feelings of release 
20:45-21:50 Zhan zhuang wk26d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

7/2

Slept 2:00-6:05 did pt

6:30-8:15 pretty flat, v little thinking until coming back up above the axis. Feeling this tired is kind of delicious

9:00-10:40 just gotta pee but there have been a couple moments of not knowing who or or where or what I am

10:45-11:25 I can recall feeling irritated by this state that I described earlier as delicious but seeing it as just another form of dukkha, as temporary, gives a lightness to the heaviness of it. I hope to be able to continue bringing this awareness to every state I experience whether sitting, standing, or moving around, although I’m especially interested to see if I can bring this awareness to the evening sits. 
11:30-12:30 Zhan zhuang wk27d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min
23:35-23:55 peaceful and quiet, just need to get horizontal and zzz

Difficult situations can become more enjoyable when we see that they're totally uncontrollable. We can't cut them short, learn from them, avoid them in the future, improve them, endure them, or even prolong them. Because all that stuff happens on its own, totally independent from us. We have no influence on the situation. So we can give it all away and relax. If we are restless during a sit, we can relax any tension and accept an early end. And our body may get up, but often it will just keep sitting. Who knows? It's about embracing the mystery, rather than trying in vain to force the outcome. 

(I'm not saying you have to change anything, you just inspired me to ramble.)

Really internalizing that is a much greater relief than stream entry. ;) 

Thanks for the ramble, John. It's on point and resonates with me and where I'm at currently. It's validating and clarifying to read someone else say what I'm thinking in a more direct or concise way than I could myself.

​​​​​​​And re SE, depending on the definition it seems like I have crossed that threshold altgough I am less concerned about it now than I was, and I feel no need to pick my experience apart in order to prove it to myself or to anyone else. I fully trust my teacher, who also doesn't seem to care too much, and whose refrain for me and my practice is always simply, "Keep going."

7/3 - Retreat day

Slept 00:15-8:15 did pt

8:40-10:20 hardly any thinking, just feeling and not feeling, perceiving and not perceiving, ie forgetting and remembering who or what or where I am and also feeling tired

11:05-13:20 similar to last sit except less tired. Had a few small abrupt spasms w a lot of space in between which I noticed didn’t really trigger surprise or other feelings, they just happened. Also several instances of the feeling like “I’ve been sitting long enough it can end now” coming and going noticeably quicker than before. 

13:25-13:40 why is the mind so much more active while lying down? It’s not like the body is working any harder in the sitting position. More blood going to the brain maybe

14:25-16:05 the usual, drifting in and out 

16:05-16:25 lying down, no thoughts just lying there and then something made me sit up

16:40-17:20 lying down not thinking much, feeling hot

17:40-18:40 Zhan zhuang wk27d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

19:00-19:25 sitting downstairs where it’s cooler and the chair is less familiar, pleasant sensations, thoughts coming and going at a consistent medium pace 

20:25-21:00 body comfy, mind going constantly, left the air filter running and didn’t notice it was on until maybe 15min in, noticing the lack of other sounds and perceiving the constant white noise of the filter, remembered I haven’t done any walking today 

21:30-22:15 walking in the neighborhood and so many gifts — first, a little bird sleeping on the bean pole right outside my door! I’ve never seen that before in my life. And he didn’t even move at all when I approached at the start of the walk or when I got back and he was still there. Then all the fireflies everywhere and the flowers and the trees and the lavender blooming, kids playing basketball and the local brass band practicing with the door to their practice room open. And the perfect temperature with a slight breeze, just so many blessings.

Great  

I was wondering if you had crossed that threshold. 

The last time it came up in conversation with my teacher friend K he said I wasn't yet fully cooked, and I agreed. I think the sort of dharma awakening that he experienced could yet be on the horizon for me, or not. I believe there's still a long stretch of path ahead of me and whether or not I'm technically pre- or post-SE is less important to me than the fact that I'm all in and there's no turning back. 

7/4

Slept 00:30-6:30 no pt

6:40-7:50 moving to lie down

7:50-8:40 lying down so tired

9:15-11:20 more energy after eating and less hot sitting in basement but more noisy w furnace, dehumidifier, and neighbors honking car horns. More like usual with dipping below and above the axis, not much thinking, nothing special

11:30-12:30 Zhan zhuang wk27d4Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

7/5

Slept 00:30-6:15 did pt

6:40-7:50 need to lie down again

7:50-9:00 lying down just a lump

9:40-12:10 quiet in the neighborhood today. The usual patterns, v little to no thinking, feeling calm and peaceful

12:35-13:40 Zhan zhuang wk27d5Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

7/6

Slept 1:40-6:50 did pt

7:20-9:15 quiet and heavy, several moments where I decided to end it bc I get so tired but didn’t have the will to actually move my body. Gonna lie down for a bit now

9:15-9:40 lump

10:20-12:05 more energy, more thoughts, a lot of music, just sitting with it doing nothing. It’s funny to be able to notice the energy that eating gives me. 

12:10-13:15 Zhan zhuang wk27d6Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

 7/7

Slept 00:00-6:30 did pt

6:55-8:20 so sleepy

8:20-9:00 lying down still so tired

9:50-11:40 more energy, more of a typical sit as the current patterns have been going. The more the subconscious or dream material and little abrupt body spasms surface the less I feel disturbed or drawn in to it and the more I’m able to see it as simply a causal process unfolding, like a sheet of paper that’s been crumpled into a ball and, left to sit for long enough, starts to uncrumple and return to smoothness. I still feel like decisions are being made but I don’t feel very involved in the process, it’s just happening on its own. I remember reacting with distress to this material sometimes because I saw it as a reflection of myself, of Me, of who I am, but I don’t see it as something so personal anymore, like it isn’t mine, it just is, and as such it’s always changing. 

11:55-13:00 Zhan zhuang wk27d7Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

7/8 - Retreat day

Slept 00:20-7:25 did pt

7:45-10:00 low energy but not super tired, rather flat, a fair bit of music in the beginning but not much thinking otherwise 

10:30-12:00 similar to last sit, nothing special. I wanted to sit for longer but sneezed and also have an appt in an hour so I’ll lunch now and get back to sitting after appt. 

14:00-16:00 same as usual more or less. Dipping below the axis and back up w thoughts gradually increasing, noticing pleasant sensations and increase in temperature 

16:00-16:30 lying down w fan on, assorted thoughts and feelings 

18:30-19:30 Zhan zhuang wk27d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

19:40-20:45 just a steady flat line w no break in mental activity. Some degree of relaxation and pleasant sensation would come and go but in the end it felt like I gave in to self judgement, expecting something more to happen or not happen, some kind of progress. Evaluating now, though, being able to sit for an hour at this time of day and with constant mental activity is surely a sign of progress, as much as I don’t want to be attached to the concept of progress itself. 

The experiment today was to loosen the definition of retreat and allow for a therapy session and a group meeting w K and some of his other students. I can see that some finesse is required as the temptation to respond to emails was strong and I gave into it a little, as well as some late night snacking, both things that I wouldn’t normally do on a retreat day or in general with the snacking, and also both fairly harmless but potentially opening the door to further temptation and judgement. 

Give in to self-judgment. ;) 

Or, put another way: "Don't resist the resistance." 

The last few years of my life have been me repeatedly asking, "Hmmm, can I give into this?" over and over, to situations of increasing seriousness and shamefulness. The answer has always been yes. 

It can be confusing to distinguish between "relaxing the doer" and "relaxing your values." The goal is to relax unconditionally and give into all experiences while still preserving a reasonable sense of good and bad. This is much easier than it sounds, because your beliefs about goodness and badness are self-arising. It's not your job to ensure their reasonableness. You can't. It's handled for you. 

The process of letting go may subjectively feel like we're negligently relaxing our values, when really we're just fine. That's because we mistakenly believe that valuing something is a doing. The values will still be there without you, and may indeed grow bigger and more noble. 

Imagine, for a second, that you terribly misunderstood what this whole dharma thing was about, and you started believing that it's fine to flake on all your longings and obligations, since it's all not-self anyway. Such an outcome is not the result of experientially "giving into" anything. It's caused by an intellectual misunderstanding. A failure in the abstract space, not the felt space. Insufficient resistance would have nothing to do with it. 

Anyway, I'm sure you're doing really well. When I write this stuff, I'm not really saying you're doing something wrong; hopefully my posts just serve as helpful reassurance. 

Edit: To borrow a line from Martin that helped me a lot: There's no need to set policies for the mind. 

This is hugely helpful, John, thank you! I was talking with a spiritual friend today and she shared with me a message she had received while journaling that resonates with what you shared. It was to the effect of, "You just keep the fire burning. I'll stir the pot. Don't worry about anything else, I've got the ingredients, I've got the recipe, you just keep the fire burning." (In this case, the "I" is God -- she's a Christian mystic.)

But yes, your reminder is just what I need to hear over and over: Give in, allow, surrender, trust, and as my teacher K added, "Less effort equals more bliss." Not that I'm chasing bliss, but what he says is verifiable and tracks with my own experience.

7/9

Slept 00:25-4:00 did pt

4:30-5:30 so much like last sit of yesterday, constant thoughts yet calm in body and just eventually gave in to impatience or restlessness. Gonna try lying down for a bit

5:30-6:50 lying down feeling tired. Actually gonna keep lying down

6:50-7:35 more of the same 

8:20-10:30 one long slow wave lasting about an hour and a half dipping below the axis and back, followed by a quick pee break and sitting for another 40min calmly observing sparse thoughts and sensations. 

10:50-12:00 Zhan zhuang wk28d1Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 19min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 7min Wu chi 3min

Tonight’s my last night at home for a few days, going out to work with one of my bands and make that dough. Planning to keep practicing while on the road, wish me luck!

Slept 1:30-6:15 did pt

6:40-6:55 intuition is moving me towards lying down before getting on the road later so I will listen 

6:55-8:30 ly down, a tired lump. just gonna keep doing my best with the circumstances 

9:20-11:05 more like usual, sitting in basement and despite noise of furnace, dehumidifier, and roommate upstairs sit was calm, peaceful, mostly empty of thinking, with a dip or two below the axis. 

I’ve been thinking about the self judgement and how it fits into the bigger pattern of letting go. Growing up I was subjected to a lot of discipline, and one way that benefited me was by enabling me to apply self-discipline as an adult when I wanted to learn something or change a habit or start a new practice. Just for the past six months or so I’m starting to notice the attachment to that discipline is starting to fall away and it’s disconcerting because I’ve identified with that for so long and it’s brought me so much benefit. Overall I see it as positive and just something to monitor and notice if it interferes with practical matters, but once I’m on retreat the only practical matters will be feeding myself and keeping warm. 

Also thinking about the “keep the fire burning” idea. My interpretation is that keeping the fire burning simply means staying alive and attending to the essentials of survival. It does not mean that any effort beyond that is needed. And the one who is stirring the pot and handling the ingredients, for me, could be called God or the Tao or Source or the Mystery or the Universe or Being. It’s not a person, it’s just whatever is. 

No qigong today bc even though I’m getting ready for bed earlier than usual I’m a bicycle (ie “two tired"). First gig went super well but with the three hour drive and the heat was exhausting. The next days should be easier and I have a room to myself tonight so looking forward to sitting and maybe qigong as well in the morning. 

​​​​​​​

7/107/11

Slept 23:10-6:45 did pt + shower

7:15-8:40 more energy than usual but still low energy, lots of dream material coming up. Gonna lie down for a bit

8:40-9:10 lying down

My body is confused by the temperature in my friend’s apartment. It’s hot outside but so cold inside. I’ve been practicing for enough years and done enough retreats that I’ve developed an expectation that I could have arrived at some kind of stability or predictability but no that’s not the case! I’m grateful to be able to see this as another expectation to drop, even as I recognize this expectation being the same one I’ve been noticing and dropping for some time, including the last two retreats. 

9:50-11:35 it’s so quiet in here I can hear my watch ticking from across the room, and then I can notice the times when I don’t hear my watch ticking or anything else, and how those two arcs of the wave are very close together, ie there’s not much difference between them. V little thought and no attempting to control the experience but I did notice the question arising a couple of times, is this awareness?

11:50-12:50 Zhan zhuang wk28d2Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 20min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 6min Wu chi 3min

Getting to bed before midnight and convinced the band to let me practice in the morning til noon! feeling lucky and blessed and grateful

Dashed expectations have been at the forefront of my practice. At this point, my guess is that the disappointment never stops, but we learn to be okay with it. 

Either the disappointment never stops or the expectations stop. One could interpret expectations as a sort of attachment to an imagined future or some other sort of delusion so I think it's feasible that expectations could gradually drop away, or the habit of forming or holding onto them could be transformed. At least I'd like to think that's possible. 

7 /12

Slept 23:55-3:35 did pt

4:00-5:00 more energy than usual, just sittting no waves, seeing thoughts and sounds come and go

5:00-6:30 lying down, sad materia coming up around being misunderstood, ignored, marginalized and repressed, finding joy and compassion

7:15-9:30 a bit more intense than usual w earplugs in and muffs on, tired feelings coming strong and dream material and beautiful melodies,all while riding the wave out and into consciousness. 

9:55-10:55 Zhan zhuang wk28d3Ba duan jin 10min Wu chi 10min balloon 18min Wu chi 3min holding the belly 8min Wu chi 3min

What a big full long tiring day. Last minute decided to drive the three hours home after the gig and here we are, finally going to bed at 3am. It was a really good time and well worth the trouble and I’m looking forward to leaving it behind and being forgotten for a while. 

Auntie Antei --

This topic is getting too long to load quickly in a web browser. Would you please start a new version? After you do that, I can lock this one for you.

Thanks,

Chris M
Moderator

Yup. It can stop. The mind will always create possible futures, just as the mouth produces saliva. It's what the mind is built to do, and we'd be dead without that function. But the habit of the mind that takes ownership of some particular future and nurtures it like a precious child, so that any threat to that future causes fear, and failure of the future to appear causes sadness, can stop. We can become fine (actually, much better than fine!) with the world unfolding as it naturally does.

This practice log is now locked due to length. The continuation of Auntie Antei's log can be found here:

https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/38574293