Firstly, Just wanted to say what a great site this is. Ive been going through lots of the discussions and im very inspired by what i read. Its great too see serious discussions about meditation/Buddhism without the fluff!

Some practice background:

Ive been sitting for roughly 3 years:

1st year - any technique just to make me sit (mantra etc) usually for short periods of 10 to 15 mins, going through regular sitting phases and then seeing it dropping off for a few weeks. Went to various different centres around London trying to suss it out.

2nd year - Discovered Zazaen and something clicked in me (along with realising that you have to be regular!) and started sitting roughly twice a day for total of 40 mins.

3rd year - Twice a day zazen usually for total of 50 mins, sometimes more on the weekend (Ive started sitting 3x 25 mins when i can, or, along with my morning 25 min sit, Im sitting for 50 mins in the evening)

Ive done a few weekend retreats, and have got 10 day silent retreat this July (led by Stephen Batchelor).

My practice has become more serious over the last 3/4 months since my grandfather started coming to end of his battle with cancer (he's in a hospice at the moment). Seeing him deteriorate brought the urgency of my practice to light and has generally put things in perspective for me. (Ive finally admitted, for example, that Ive got a problem with drink and drugs and have started to seriously tackle it;. Its funny, you don't realise if you have problem if your occasional and functional, but thats another post…!). I think also that, after much reading, im starting to come to my own understanding abbot Buddhism (well, i admit that i know nothing now, which is a great start!

However, Ive found that on and off over the last year I've been having doubts about my practice (especially the last few weeks), such as 'am i doing it right' etc and that im struggling to get any guidance. I sit with a group, which are great, but its very hands off in terms of technique, guidance, progression etc as is the zen fashion!

My practice has improved immensely (I couldn't sit still for 5 minutes before!) and I've had a few amazing experiences, especially recently, where Im able to drop my mental chatter for longer, which produces this expansive feeling (maybe even a merging with my environment - not sure how to explain it really); just as i get there though my mind snaps back in with an observation. I try not to get attached to good or bad in practice, but its hard and frustrating sometimes! (I want to progress but don't want to admit it, or let that desire 'spoil' my practice, if that makes sense?) Ive also been feeling more 'aware' very recently, while i go about my day to day life, like everything is sharper somehow.

However, I think that more light has been thrown on my questions about practice since I started back at college (studying Psychology) and found that, contrary to my expectations, my concentration is pretty bad. I was hoping my meditation would have helped with my studies but my wandering, unfocused, mind has thrown more doubt into the mix!

Having found this forum and feel inspired (ive just ordered MCT, but its produced more questions about what im doing in my practice and whether i need to adopt a few different techniques.

Im not sure where im aiming with my practice (I dont think Id even thought about it till i came across this site about a month ago!), all i know what i love sitting and it helps me immensely (my relationships have improved, im calmer, less aggressive…).

Having read through this I can see more than a few questions (!), but I'd appreciate any thoughts or comments about anything here. If I should expand on any of the above then please let me know

Cheers, j

N.B. I live in London, if anyone is in that part of the world?

Glad to have you here and that you have found it interesting.

It sounds like you are getting something out of your Zen practice and having good insights.

I think that a goal is of value and a proven method to obtain it helps. I would go for stream entry at the least and see what you want from there. It is a good first step.

As the people in Zen say: "Don't just sit there like an idiot!"

I do think that it is of value to try to work within a good tradition until you get some initial level of mastery. If the Zen people won't talk like that and you want it, look around: lots to choose from in a big town like London.

Mahasi-style stuff is very goal oriented, very technique and state and stage heavy, which I liked, but not everyone does.

Stephen Batchelor is a good guy. Enjoy your retreat with him.

I liked Christopher Titmuss: off in Devon at Gaia House, but he is not Mahasi based: more Thai Forest crossed with his own thing.

Check out openenlightenment.org: you will find some Brits with a Clue there.

I didn't notice much in the way of specific questions, but these are my thoughts at this late hour as they come to me.

I am glad you are getting something out of all this, and best of luck to your grandfather as he goes through that.

Daniel

Hi Jaime,

Concentration of the quality you seem to indicate and concentration of the meditative sense are not necessarily the same thing. I would even defend the point that there are multiple types of concentration even within meditation itself. The takeaway is that you could hypothetically tackle the 8 traditional samatha jhanas and still find yourself easily bored with day to day activities, as boredom is related to one's identity, which includes emotions, beliefs, etc. not just one's strength of directed attention. There are, of course, ways of modifying one's self / brain in order to be a certain way, but meditation concentration isn't a cure-all.

You may want to give some serious thought to your goals, (you mentioned that you're not sure of your aim). Without goals, you cannot get very far at all, and for dozens of reasons. Heck, you may even end up changing yourself or believing something or whatever that you would not have otherwise. Think about if you're traveling and you're a little bit hungry, but give the notion no further thought (thusly not defining any goals). You have this to go by: "mmmm...hunnngry," or "hmm...swallowing things (meditation in this case) seems to help this feeling go away!" So you go on the hunch and drive around aimlessly through a city, going in each store until you eventually (3 hours later (maybe 30 years later in the self improvement sense)) walk into one with food. Kick ass, some food! But uh-oh, there's a high probability that you just stumbled into a McDonalds and although it is "food," (it looks and smells that way), you might not like what it does to your body (or state of consciousness) a few hours later (perhaps it lacked substance). And as terrifying as McDonalds can sometimes be (man, the nuggets can be tasty), it's not nearly as terrifying as the notion of changing your entire identity and / or state of consciousness without knowing why or to what end you're doing it. And note, that even though you've found your way to the DhO, which has some good maps and experienced folks, MCTB nor the people here will be able to tell you what you like or need to "eat," or what is best for humanity, or even what "stores" you're really shopping around in while you walk the hallways of your mind. Well, that's a pretty goofy analogy, but perhaps you can glean some meaning out of it. If nothing else, just realize that it is-- to say the least-- a healthy notion to fully think through.

Regards,
Trent

Hi Jaime,

I am in a slightly similar situation re: Zen. Although I think I've been involved/interested in Buddhism and meditation for a lot longer and actually started with Theravada. I am currently sitting regularly at a Zen temple and trying to figure out how to integrate what I'm learning there, and here and elsewhere.

There is so much to learn from Zen practice and just being around/in a Zen community (if that's where you find yourself). Of course, each temple/group has it's own style, so I can only speak for my own--but I've learned a TON about Buddhism from the way people move, eat, sit, stand, bow, talk, etc. It can be a really great environment. Buddhism is learned in your body as much as your mind. At the same time, I know what you mean about "very hands off in terms of technique, guidance, progression". Zen emphasizes not having any "gaining ideas"...ie: goals. But that doesn't mean there is not need for effort and intention. In Dogen's words:

(Italics my own).

I am aiming to integrate these practices, at least for awhile--to lay a good foundation as I get the lay of the land. I also think there's a lot taught (at least in the right Zen temple/group) that is missing from much of the Theravada and the DhO.

That said, there's a lot taught in the Theravada at the DhO that goes unsaid in Zen, and I'm really not sure how helpful that is. For my part, I have been aiming at developing jhana/concentration (which depending on the Roshi, may be discussed as samadhi...and then, very lightly). There's a lot on this site about jhana, which you can look for.

Zen is not so different in it's ultimate emphasis on mindfulness--even though noting practice is not a part of it. And intense mindfulness is what one generally implements after getting some ability to access jhana.

What I have found immeasurably helpful is listening to Gil Fronsdal's talks on Dharma Seed. Gil is a Theravada teacher who is also ordained as a Zen priest. There is a lot of Zen in his teachings--which are still basically Theravada. I think he's a truly brilliant teacher: http://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/74/

Scroll down on this site to find the talk "Zen and Theravada" to hear him talk about his path: http://www.audiodharma.org/talks-gil.html

Hope this helps a little. I guess I just wanted to say that I had some of the same concerns. I don't know that I have much advice--just that shopping around is good, but so is settling in and taking time to get your bearings. This isn't like "Protestant or Catholic". Buddhism is Buddhism. You don't have to "decide" today. Or ever perhaps.

Bruno

Hey,

Thanks for the responses, they are all much appreciated and give something to think about.

I checked out the Gil Fronsdal talk and that was really interesting and helpful - thanks Bruno! I can see that being another teacher to cain on my ipod!

The group i sit with arent ritual based at all, its just focused on practice and Dogens teachings, although we only do that once a month. So in that regard I guess im not getting the dharma teachings and guidance that im after that this stage in my practice (Im also very keen to widen my understanding of Buddhism, especially Theravada).

I think that my intention has evolved over time and what initially drew me to meditate morphed into something else entirely, which is maybe way im reevaluating what Im doing and why Im doing it. I think doubt was the wrong word to use though cause im solid in my practice, but guess i have other questions that I should consider (like goals - Ive taken the Zen non-focus/emphasis on goal a bit too seriously maybe?).

Im not looking to be told what to do in my practice, Im just keen to learn from other fellow travellers

Thanks again, j

He dhamma friend,

I just read the title of the post and considered a slight reversal in wording:
"Practice about my doubts" and wondered what that might look like? Who's leading who, here?
Maybe it's just more raw material for investigation? (not sure what zen says about "investigation" though)

Enjoy the ride! You're in good company.

- Daniel

Hey,

Yeah I think thats very fitting spot on!

Just been listening to a Gil Fronsdal talk 'Phases of your practice' - only half way through but I can highly recommend.

"practice about my doubts". Very nice. I like that!

I really like Gil Fronsdal and his web site.We used his Anapanasati series at our Sangha a few years ago.

I understand having doubts. After 10 years I feel like I am wandering in some non linear general direction.
The people around me say that my behavior/character is remarkably different(better) from years ago.
I think its been a buddhist path, but definitely not linear. Many doubts have arisen and passed.
Chris

Gil is good. I would also highly recommend the work of Shinzen Young, if you're not familiar with Shinzen already.
As someone who has spent a lot of time "just sitting there like an idiot" and thinking this was high-level, non-dual practice, I've really started to appreciate the value of active investigation.
One possibility for you: Just note it--"doubting, doubting"--and let the church roll on, as we say here in the South.
;)