I've practiced meditation for just under 10 years, starting with shamatha then moving to a variety of self-help meditations focused on releasing limiting beliefs and negative habit patterns. In 2018 I read MCTB and The Mind Illuminated and started practicing meditation more seriously. I strongly resonated with the idea of a path map, of open discussion of attainments, and of practice based on firsthand experience instead of blind religious-like faith. Since early 2019 my main practice has been tantra, with some Qigong at various points in the past. 

Tantric practice has dramatically increased my clarity of mind both off and on the cushion, and greatly opened my heart to compassion, love, happiness and joy, and a much more selfless experience of those positive qualities, as well as healed many layers from my traumas. There's a significant difference in how I feel each year, lighter and clearer and happier and more joyful, almost like I'm becoming younger rather than older (and a far greater baseline happiness, joy and lightness than I experienced as a child or teenager), as well as more emotional stability and resilience to challenging circumstances. Tantric practices have added a joy and richness that I found lacking with sutric practices (or was unable to generate on my own, due to accumulated trauma and negativity). Dark Nights also pass more quickly than in the past, sometimes in minutes (or at most a few days) rather than the sometimes multi-month Dark Nights I've experienced in the past.

The main obstacles in my practice right now are the spontaneous body movements I experience when meditating or when experiencing emotions I'm subconsciously trying to suppress. Sitting down and relaxing the mind will cause the breath to tense, or the lower back to tense, or the back of the neck to tense and the jaw to stretch, or various other movements that make it extremely difficult to be physically still enough to correctly recognize the clarity aspect of the natural state (rigpa, emptiness) and cut through all layers of the samsaric mind. The causes of these movements were mostly a mystery to me until the last couple of months, when I realized that the subliminals I used for 3 years (late 2018-late 2021) had created or reinforced a large number of beliefs and tasked a significant portion of my psyche with holding onto those beliefs at all costs. Since those beliefs were constantly being challenged by my daily tantric practice, there was a tug-of-war going on in my mind that caused a perpetual lack of energy in daily activities and prevented progress beyond a certain point in my emptiness practice. Soul retrieval and power retrieval have been very powerful in helping to heal these issues and straighten out the psychological distortions caused/exacerbated by the subliminals, but the main engine of my practice is still tantra.

For the last several months, my main practice has been Dynamic Concentration, which has been invaluable for repeatedly cutting through the self-based beliefs and fog of the samsaric mind and revealing the clarity and spaciousness and brightness of wakeful nature underneath, helping to highlight the blindspots in my mind and providing relief from the heaviness of the samsaric mind on a daily basis.

I decided to start a log here because MCTB introduced me to dharma practice and awakening and I've found tantric practice to be immensely helpful for realizing the goals MCTB describes (and the goals of Buddhadharma in general), but sutra and tantra approach practice so differently that it can be difficult to translate between the experiences and terminology of sutra vs tantra. I hope I can help translate between those two "worlds", and show that they're just different external forms for pursuing the same goals (though as a Mahayana path, tantra has the goal of Buddhahood rather than Arhathood, so there are some aspects about the end attainment that are different).

I'll update this log weekly or at least biweekly, and will check back regularly to reply to comments. 

Welcome, and all the best for your practice!

I've very recently begun exploring tantra, and have indeed found the lexicon and framework a bit daunting - both because it is so different from the MCTB presentation, and because of its sheer size and complexity. I look forward to seeing how you work with it in your practice.

All good stuff! Mixed in with Noting very potent!!!

Thanks! Hopefully you'll find at least some of this log useful.

This sounds very interesting... could you say a bit more about the details? Seems like that one paragraph contains a lot of interesting ideas / experiences / wisdom / lessons. 

The meridians and nadis in my subtle/energy bodies (mind) were breaking because of the subliminal programming being rooted deeply in my mind, and the programming being so closely integrated into my subconscious identity and patterns that having those channels break (similar to trauma/dissociation) seemed preferable to letting go of them/seeing them as empty. This damage to those subtle body channels caused leaks of vital energy (prana/qi), which meant I became tired very very quickly and had to nap once or twice daily and sleep 9-10h at night, and struggled to work long hours. I already had issues with energy levels caused by the damage to my meridians from my root trauma and a couple of relatively mild burnouts during university, but this additional damage from the tug-of-war made those issues even worse. Practices derived from shamanic soul retrieval and power retreival are some of the only available ways of fixing these broken channels (neither Buddhist nor Hindu practices have ways of fixing these issues, Taoism may have practices somewhere to address this but I've never seen or heard of them). Soul retrieval repairs the broken channels, and power retrieval restores the lost vital energy, which increases energy levels over time (due to stopping the energy leakage from those broken channels). I learned practices derived from soul retrieval and power retrieval in early 2024 and have used them nearly every day since then, and I've found that I have a far deeper energetic reserve that I can tap into when I need to (long drives, important events, etc.) before I'm physically unable to continue without falling asleep.

Another effect of the programming being so closely integrated into my subconscious identity and patterns is that I've had very great difficulty distinguishing between those patterns and the full clarity of the natural state (i.e. the empty/selfless aspect), which has made my vipashyana progress slow and inconsistent once I hit a certain layer of mind. That programming has also kept my mind and body tense (sufficiently deep relaxation would cause the beliefs to unravel, as in Dzogchen atiyoga), which has caused moderate insomnia for the last 5+ years. Three of the main things I've discovered recently that the subliminals have reinforced have been a lack of care for other beings (caused by my root trauma, and exacerbated during my focus on self-help), suppression of negative/unwanted emotions (childhood conditioning, then further enhanced while I was studying self-help), and thinking I know better than the teacher what will work for me (so I tend not to ask for advice, and instead follow my intuition, but because that intuition is distorted by the subliminal programming it's difficult to actually root out the subliminal programming thoroughly and completely, or even to realize it was a problem at all; it's been a very strong psychological blindspot because of how thoroughly I've relied on my intution after the first couple years of my tantric practice). The first two of those have caused heavy DNs in the last week and a half (and many of my past DNs), since this tantric lineage is a Mahayana method, with bodhicitta being a core requirement (the opposite of lacking care for other beings), and relaxing deeply and letting my emotions and energies flow freely has been equated with risking death in my mind (on a subconscious level, mostly because of the subliminals).

I'm still figuring out (and undoing) the effects the subliminals have had on my mind, so I'll probably have more to write later on this. 

Very interesting, thank you for taking the time to write all of that!

If you have references to the shamanic soul retrieval and power retreival work/book/practices/teachers that you would recommend, I would be very interested.

I'm also curious if you could give one good example of a subliminals and subconscious identity pattern?  One thing I'm wondering is how similiar your experience is to a period in time when I would describe as my body "rewiring". At the time, I was feeling how part of my "brain" was actually within my body, especially in the thinking/emotional centers described as chakras (pelvis, gut, heart, throat, forehead). During that time, I "saw" how the way my body/mind had learned to deal with emotional content was largely through supression and that supressive instinct seemed to be wired into my body. (Probably childhood/traumas.) That period of "rewiring" was like all of my emotional channels became more purified, like the difference between an impure copper wire conducting electricity but heating up due to the impurities... versus something more like a super-conductor. Emotional energy (not heavy solid emotions, but more like the energetic building blocks of an emotion) became more subtle, more clean, more intelligent, and caused less suffering. I "knew" a lot more about what I was actually experiencing and had experienced in the past as this all got cleaned up. Sounds kind of similar to what you are describing.

I was introduced to the practices derived from shamanic soul retrieval and power retrieval by the head teacher of the tantric method I've been practicing. The practices are taught here, along with some useful supporting practices: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdhAfFxVA5c I highly recommend setting aside the time to go through the video in full (ideally in one sitting, when you're fresh and rested), it explains the theory and shows you how to do the practices. Once you have the hang of them, you can do them without the video, but the video will still allow you to go deeper than you can generally go on your own, when doing the techniques from memory.

Probably the strongest pattern was the belief that I'd die if I let go and relaxed deeply and let my emotions and energies flow fully (instead of maintaining some level of tension and controlling them; that control keeps them aligned with the subliminal programming), which seemed to have been the answer to the subliminals asking my mind "what would make these new beliefs stick?" There are many layers to these beliefs and identifications, it seems almost endless, but it feels like layers are melting away, so eventually there should be a point where the last beliefs drop away and I can finally sit still and relax properly, though that probably won't happen without at least one more nasty DN where I have to choose risking death (in the way it feels, with how the subliminals are integrated into my beliefs and subconscious identity) over continuing to exert control over my emotions and energies. Unfortunately, making that choice once doesn't seem to be enough to unravel all the layers of control, it caused a major shift but apparently there are still more layers of control (and programming), which apparently aren't yet painful enough to cause a DN and force me to let go of them or continue suffering (suffering caused by continuing to practice while also trying to hold onto them).

Another pattern is relying extremely strongly on my own intuition for almost every action of daily life, which keeps my mind in the loop of the subliminal programming (not only subliminal programming, some of that intuition is genuine and in alignment with Buddhanature, but a lot of it is influenced by the subliminal programming). Trying to go outside of/against that intuition has usually caused tiredness, extremely slow (begrudging) movement, anger, broken nadis/meridians, or some mix of the 4, most often triggered when I'm asked to do something I didn't plan to do, or didn't plan to do soon. To me, it feels like setting boundaries and preserving my (limited) energy levels for what's most important to me, but to outside observers it looks like very selfish behavior. Which is what a psychological distortion looks like; makes perfect sense to the person that has the distortion, and maybe like any other approach wouldn't make any sense (or would be harmful), but is obviously not a reasonable/rational reaction from any outsider's perspective. I've started to question this intuition some, knowing that it's distorted by the subliminals and that if I trust it completely I'll be stuck indefinitely in the same loop of subliminal programming that I've been in, but so far it hasn't been sufficiently painful for me to let go of it completely (other than a few times where out of anger I intentionally went against it, which was a temporary condition rather than a solid firm decision to ignore what my mind is saying; generally still listening to it because of the comfort it gives me to have an internal feeling/voice I can poll at any time to determine what will feel best in any given circumstance, and I still have a lot of attachment to feeling good and not feeling bad, which dovetails with the suppression of negative/unwanted emotions I mentioned earlier).

I don't think I've had the exact experience you describe, but the results sound very similar to the purification of the meridians I've experienced doing kriya yoga and/or cultivating positive qualities (love, happiness, kindness, joy, compassion), when a layer of trauma or a psychological distortion releases. Recently I've often had a sense internally of being upside down, and suddenly flipped to right side up (when I become aware of a psychological distortion and it straightens out), often accompanied by a feeling of nausea. This has usually had to do with me realizing that a specific belief/pattern ingrained by the subliminals is distorted thinking, and the straightening out of that distortion makes me feel disoriented (and sometimes nauseous) for a moment. The nausea seems to be those closely held beliefs (mostly ingrained by the subliminals, or ingrained more deeply by the subliminals) coming into conflict with my newly straightened out psyche, realizing these patterns are wrong/distorted and that I'm still predisposed to think/act that way (because of the patterns being ingrained, and at least somewhat habitual), and thus feeling disoriented for a moment, because I have to change my way of acting/thinking in the world to match with what I can now tell is correct (and what's old distorted thinking and patterns/habits). I've had this happen dozens of times in the last few months, and I'm sure I have many hundreds if not thousands of distortions to straighten out on my way to lightbody.

Oh my goodness, look at this carefully: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdhAfFxVA5c
And then visit the accompanying website:  https://www.amritamandala.com/founder-and-master

It's an old DhO friend, Kim Katami, from years ago - how many times has this person reinvented himself? What comes around keeps coming around

More background information, from DhO:  https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/view_message/26327073#_com_liferay_message_boards_web_portlet_MBPortlet_message_26327073


Search for more relevant DhO history: site:www.dharmaoverground.org Kim Katami

(!)

Here's a post that Amrita Baba wrote recently, talking (mostly) about post-emptiness practice (healing of trauma and straightening out psychological distortions). I think it'll be especially interesting for practitioners that've reached MCTB 3rd/4th path and may've noticed that emptiness/no-self doesn't address everything in the mind (or body):

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Working through the kleshas and Sahaja Samadhi
Hello again
In my experience the biggest difference and difficulty between the purification processes of the causal and astral bodies is that in the former, because the causal body has distinct layers (bhumis), there are cessations with each cycle, and these cessations keep getting longer the farther you go. These stops give you not only a nice relief of the constant work but also give a boost for your inspiration. With the astral body process, because it is one fabric without distinct areas/layers, cessations don't come like that. They occur in very random fashion and do not systematically extend in duration. I've had mostly short cessations, like 30-60 minutes the past couple of years but three years ago I had 2.5 days. So it's completely random in the way how it goes. Without those breaks the process really puts you into test in a way that wisdom/emptiness process doesn't and that forces you to mature. The process, if you're engaged to it, doesn't give you breaks and the only option to muster inspiration and motivation is by hovering between despair and renewed bodhicitta. It is brutal but in a sense it is also the beauty of it because it keeps asking if you really want to put an end to selfishness and negativity. If and when you've spent decades in your life accumulating those habits it will be a hell of a ride where lot of the time you feel stunned because it keeps revealing those areas of the psyche and the habits and distortions stored there (skt. klesha, vasana). Going through this process you're constantly hovering on the verge between conscious and subconscious minds, mostly actually subconscious and that's what makes you stunned and confused because you don't know what the hell is going on. You only have Refuge and Bodhicitta to help you but all the work you have to do yourself, no one is going to do it for you. That tests your motivation and forges your character. 
The most basic teachings of the Buddha are about the three poisons and five afflictions or kleshas, and the yogic practices of shamatha and vipashyana meditation. Vipashyana is a practice for seeing through avidya klesha which is self-based ignorance. Shamatha on the other hand is the practice for removing or integrating the other four afflictions. In our modern time because lot of people in the dharma have developmental trauma, shamatha methods, whether they are sutric or tantric, are supposed to heal trauma too. I am not saying that developmental trauma is something completely new but I am sure it was never as wide spread like it is now. Many practitioners have it and unfortunately I have seen how poorly traditional methods adapt to this demand. I have discussed the need of teaching shamatha practices as healing practices, rather than as concentration practices. It is surprisingly uncommon to find shamatha taught as a healing method. At any case traditions will have to adapt to this need or otherwise they will make themselves irrelevant for lot of modern people. That will decrease all these psychotic incidents people have on various meditation retreats. 
This problem actually reveals something about the general understanding of shamatha. In my zen days, on zen retreats, I saw people have psychotic episodes, violent fits and just being completely stuck in dark night because they were never told of dark nights! When shamatha is presented solely as a concentration technique it leaves a lot of its potential out. In other words, lot of the stuff that is right there available for processing gets suppressed back down and pushed aside because that's what concentration does. And then when you have people who have had traumatizing childhoods and lives it is only a matter of time before it'll erupt as psychosis which is a type of dissociation or avoidance from pain and sanity, or it comes out as erratic behaviour. 
Anyhow like I said shamatha is supposed to be both a method of healing and a method of developing samadhi which will ultimately lead to sahaja samadhi which is the naturally blissful and harmonious state which shows up after the three poisons and five kleshas, of ignorance and selfishness, including trauma, are removed. Sahaja samadhi which is a yogic technical term is the samadhi of our natural state. It is the state without the causes of delusion (avidya) and without the other four afflictions and their kids, i.e. negative emotions. 
In Amrita Mandala we practice mostly tantra but also little bit of sutra and mahasandhi (t. dzogchen). So we have tantric practices of both shamatha and vipashyana principles. We have buddhist tantra for the causal body/emptiness process and Amrita Kriya and trauma healing practices for the other four kleshas. 
I fell in love with kriya yoga in 2006 after my time in zen. It was so easy and so enjoyable. None of that grinding and pushing that I was so used to and honestly fed up of. If we compare the three main yogas of hinduism we can see the same intent and purpose in their yogas as there are in buddhist shamatha and vipashyana. There is bhakti yoga for the astral body and jnana yoga for the causal body. In buddhist shamatha methods there is metta meditation, loving kindness which is great but I think the bhakti yoga version of it is easier to practice because love is so much thicker substance. So kriya yoga is basically bhakti yoga but with many technical spins and that's the thing again, without love all those fancy techniques lose their power. In one sense it's a maturity test: if you don't develop all encompassing love and compassion you'll be left selfish and self-conscious, stuck in your own mind. There is no healing without love either. Lots of folks try to figure this out but love can't be figured out, it can only be felt. With love it becomes a real path of healing and awakening. 
Little by little as you do the practices in the meridian system, they will open up and loosen. Also when you gradually work through your traumatizing memories, vital energy begins to flow unobstructed like it should. Then what happens because of all the paravastha samadhis and love and happiness and pure psyche practices (which are sutric) is that your original nature of ease begins to appear. That is a great victory for someone who has suffered of psychological trauma all her/his life. Suddenly you start feeling ok, suddenly you start smiling for no reason. This is a major turning point but up until that point you just need to keep working on it, no matter how difficult and unpleasant it is. 
Then gradually, might be in months or couple of years depending how intensively you work with it, your true nature starts shining through. Gradually you feel more and more at ease, gradually the habits become less and less but they won't leave you entirely alone until the final cessation takes place which sweeps them gone forever. If you stick with it and do it for the right reasons, to help others, for the love of all beings, the day when the final cessation takes place will come. 
Thank you friends for reading, hope you find benefit in what I've shared. See you in trainings.
Baba

Kim/Baba can't post his own comments here because he's been locked out for quite some time. Several others have come to DhO from Baba's sangha, posted a few comments about their practice, and then started copying and pasting Kim's material into posts here. They, too, were locked out unless they posted about their own personal stories.

Please pay heed.

Chris M
DhO Moderator