RE: Auntie Antei’s Log of Destiny - Practice Log 3 - Discussion
Hi Antei, I haven't read your log in a while, but I think your practice is super cool. I'm glad you're doing it and I'm glad you're talking about it.
Another Western way of seeing emptiness: as a simulation. I.e., can you see that life is a simulation, and that all appearances are simulations made of awareness, rather than the real thing itself?
Remember all the hullabaloo a few years back about simulation theory? Maybe that was motivated by an implicit inkling of sunyata.
I'm sure you've done this before, but could you re-explain what you mean by dips below the axis? And what does it mean for the dips to be gone?
And here's another possibility: experiencing whatever arises while also perceiving the negative space that surrounds all that. From Google: "negative space is the empty space around the subject of an image." We habitually overlook negative space, since we're contracted into narrow objects and tasks. You don't need to change your technique to notice negative space, since it's the natural consequence of letting go of narrow fixations. But pointing out that the negative space is there, and that you can perceive it naturally and without effort, can help. It's not a big deal if you can't notice it.
I can relate to this desire. Back when I was doing investigation, I really wanted to drop the investigation and just be with what arises. (I didn't yet have faith in the do nothing technique.) I investigated until I found myself able to be with experience without investigating, relaxing, or interfering. This lasted for about seven months, until eventually solid clumps in experience started forming again. These days, the clumps spontaneously relax themselves as they are noticed.
I'm not sure whether this clumping process goes away completely upon non-dual realization. But I wouldn't worry about getting rid of the clumping-relaxing process. If it feels like a manual process right now, don't worry, because it will seamlessly become automatic with time. Just remember not to monitor experience for clumps, because that creates a dualistic 'watcher', impeding progress. Instead, let the clumps be spontaneously and effortlessly noticed, and then relax them.
The process will fall away when it's ready. Or maybe it never will? The consensus on here seems to be that craving persists after non-dual realization, so maybe that means clumping does, too. But the takeaway, I think, is that the clumping-relaxing process is not a problem, and it doesn't need to banished or rushed. Experience without clumping-relaxing is not superior to experience with clumping-relaxing.
I'm just an anagami chump, so take my words with some salt, but I think the idea that words and concepts are in tension with the dharma has done unspeakable damage to meditation. There is no conflict. Mind, as one of the six sense doors, does not go away, at least as long as you're alive. Query: how can conceptualization and no-thingness coexist? Or, more fundamentally: how can the world contain no thing?
If a yogi is hostile towards conceptuality, that is, I think, a hint that they haven't found the emptiness in form. Or, in other words, they haven't realized that thinking is not the problem. (What is the problem? My favorite shorthand is control or struggle.)
Similarly, if someone is hostile towards goal-setting and striving, that can also reflect an immature view. Pursuing a goal is not a problem, so long as that doesn't become moment-to-moment resisting/controlling/struggling / greed/hatred/indifference.
And, furthermore: everything is already in the light of awareness. Experience and awareness are inseperable.
How strong is the sense of an observer for you?
If there is a feeling of an observer, it's really just another appearance in awareness. It doesn't make sense for awareness to "come from" a particular spot, since absolutely everything in experience is inherently awareness. Even so-called distraction.
Maybe you're already thinking in this way, but: it can be helpful to distinguish between expectations (fine, necessary, natural) and greedy/hateful/indifferent tension (painful, unnecessary; what practice addresses).
Greed, hated, and indifference are sometimes called the 'three fires.' Luckily for us, fires will go out on their own if you just sit there and don't feed them!
Eight ways of seeing emptiness, of which these three are most accessible to westerners: as a mirage, as a dream, as a reflection (eg of the moon in the water), although we also talked for a bit about seeing the emptiness of experience as karmic echos, simply results of past conditions constantly unfolding into various ever changing conditions.
Another Western way of seeing emptiness: as a simulation. I.e., can you see that life is a simulation, and that all appearances are simulations made of awareness, rather than the real thing itself?
Remember all the hullabaloo a few years back about simulation theory? Maybe that was motivated by an implicit inkling of sunyata.
Sometimes I think I could or should be doing more in my practice, especially off-cushion. But this practice isn’t about doing, it’s about being. For example, today we visited an old growth forest and as we’re walking the trail I think, “hey remember to do mindfulness or note whatever’s happening or something!” And then I remembered, “No, don’t do anything, just be here and let go of any thoughts or anything else that might keep you from being here fully.” And I had to let go of the ideas of what being here should look like, or thoughts I should be thinking, or feelings I should be feeling, and remember that this is it right here, it’s all right here and now.
sitting in awareness, surprised at how much faster a dip cycle can take place, possibly due to the addition of earplugs and muffs.
I'm sure you've done this before, but could you re-explain what you mean by dips below the axis? And what does it mean for the dips to be gone?
Surrounded by magnificent old trees I could really sense the potential to shift attention away from musical thinking and other random memories to noticing and participating in the energy that’s all around.
And here's another possibility: experiencing whatever arises while also perceiving the negative space that surrounds all that. From Google: "negative space is the empty space around the subject of an image." We habitually overlook negative space, since we're contracted into narrow objects and tasks. You don't need to change your technique to notice negative space, since it's the natural consequence of letting go of narrow fixations. But pointing out that the negative space is there, and that you can perceive it naturally and without effort, can help. It's not a big deal if you can't notice it.
Currently I’m letting go whenever I notice any clinging. I want to drop the letting go and trust it to happen on its own. I believe this will come as the mind naturally wants to be free.
I can relate to this desire. Back when I was doing investigation, I really wanted to drop the investigation and just be with what arises. (I didn't yet have faith in the do nothing technique.) I investigated until I found myself able to be with experience without investigating, relaxing, or interfering. This lasted for about seven months, until eventually solid clumps in experience started forming again. These days, the clumps spontaneously relax themselves as they are noticed.
I'm not sure whether this clumping process goes away completely upon non-dual realization. But I wouldn't worry about getting rid of the clumping-relaxing process. If it feels like a manual process right now, don't worry, because it will seamlessly become automatic with time. Just remember not to monitor experience for clumps, because that creates a dualistic 'watcher', impeding progress. Instead, let the clumps be spontaneously and effortlessly noticed, and then relax them.
The process will fall away when it's ready. Or maybe it never will? The consensus on here seems to be that craving persists after non-dual realization, so maybe that means clumping does, too. But the takeaway, I think, is that the clumping-relaxing process is not a problem, and it doesn't need to banished or rushed. Experience without clumping-relaxing is not superior to experience with clumping-relaxing.
How can I go beyond words and concepts if I keep writing here?
I'm just an anagami chump, so take my words with some salt, but I think the idea that words and concepts are in tension with the dharma has done unspeakable damage to meditation. There is no conflict. Mind, as one of the six sense doors, does not go away, at least as long as you're alive. Query: how can conceptualization and no-thingness coexist? Or, more fundamentally: how can the world contain no thing?
If a yogi is hostile towards conceptuality, that is, I think, a hint that they haven't found the emptiness in form. Or, in other words, they haven't realized that thinking is not the problem. (What is the problem? My favorite shorthand is control or struggle.)
Similarly, if someone is hostile towards goal-setting and striving, that can also reflect an immature view. Pursuing a goal is not a problem, so long as that doesn't become moment-to-moment resisting/controlling/struggling / greed/hatred/indifference.
Silence is unusual around here but I’ve been sitting without earplugs as it seems to make less difference now that I’m not dipping below the axis, really just sitting neutrally, monotonously, with occasional sensations, the gradually thinning stream of thoughts, and the sounds. All of these are just temporary, both here and not here, and they arouse chain reactions of thoughts and feelings less and less.
Bringing everything that comes up into the light of awareness is all that is needed.
And, furthermore: everything is already in the light of awareness. Experience and awareness are inseperable.
How strong is the sense of an observer for you?
If there is a feeling of an observer, it's really just another appearance in awareness. It doesn't make sense for awareness to "come from" a particular spot, since absolutely everything in experience is inherently awareness. Even so-called distraction.
It’s not such a big deal. Just give up hopes and expectations and let the energy of the universe go where it goes.
Maybe you're already thinking in this way, but: it can be helpful to distinguish between expectations (fine, necessary, natural) and greedy/hateful/indifferent tension (painful, unnecessary; what practice addresses).
Greed, hated, and indifference are sometimes called the 'three fires.' Luckily for us, fires will go out on their own if you just sit there and don't feed them!
10/16-21 Zhan zhuang wk40d7-wk41d2Ba duan jin 20min Wu chi 10min balloon 15min Wu chi 3min standing in the stream 10min Wu chi 3min
10/16 day 2 without any dips, only a couple of brief moments of feeling slightly more relaxed, a faint feeling of releasing.
Three 3hr sits and two 2hr sits today and no dips, no changes in state of consciousness or anything, just sitting with some feeling eg of release in part of one leg or tingling hand or electric hairnet across half of the brain like once per hour and deep breaths or yawns, burps, swallowing, and occasional random tears. Sometimes pressure at temples as if my head is in a vise but not distressing.
10/17 day 3 w no dips, sits are getting consistently longer. Still not totally effortless but resistance seems to be decreasing. Actually one tiny dip about halfway through the second post breakfast sit, strange, only noticed it bc I didn’t need to swallow and breathing got really smooth. Asp noticed my hands had shifted slightly. Still nearly nonstop music going internally while maintaining a balance of indifference and curiosity. Impatience is decreasing. Seems to help that the neighborhood has been quieter than usual.
10/18 received this beautiful reply from teacher friend S re my difficulty with walking past all the scared, sad, angry barking dogs in my neighborhood:
“Indeed... Is it an unpleasant pain, then? There are many ways of seeing and practicing that that might help here, or be skillful. For example, seeing that because their nature and circumstances are conditioned, they are pure. If you can help them somehow wholesomely, such as by giving a treat or otherwise befriending them - if it feels right, of course, I don't know how you guys treat the dogs of others over there! - that would of course be beautiful.
But if no such course of action is available, in the spirit of even something as foundational in the West as the Serenity Prayer is quite accurate in tone. If their circumstances are such that you can do nothing to alleviate them, accepting their karma with loving kindness and compassion is the extent of what can be done
I.e. if you can't help them, you can basically only help yourself through detachment, as you seem to do. They are beautiful beings, but ultimately their suffering stems from the same delusions as human suffering. It's an 'adventitious veil' under which there is the primordially pure nature of mere conditioned factors/karma. And since karma has an unknowable source and is so majestically vast and mysterious, it is good to see as pure. It has no characteristics or nature besides itself, i.e. conditioned becoming. But loving kindness and compassion are still wonderful and beautiful here as well, and even the pain of their suffering - if it feels beautiful - is absolutely fine. Poor dogs tho
“
So grateful for this wisdom. Must look into this Serenity Prayer…
I’ve noticed that my fantasies during this retreat so far are so different from the ones I had during the retreat I did last year. Lately the recurring themes have to do with donating blood (which has always scared me), visiting and writing letters to people to apologize, thank them, tell them I love them, etc., reconnecting with my family and looking into reconciling with the religious tradition I grew up with, and getting rid of as much of my stuff as I can and selling my house and moving to a quieter area!
At the same time, I’m noticing a decrease in my desire to see progress in my practice, to know what’s happening, to have it make sense, etc
Had a couple of tiny dips today but not at the usual time and not with the usual pleasant effect. The first happened early in the morning during the first sit of the day today and almost didn’t happen, it seemed like as soon as it started it ended with an abrupt kick from my leg, which was strangely not disruptive, or hardly at all. That sit was very pleasant and peaceful, over three hours with 80% less music or other discernible content in the mind, just lovely space. The other dip was just now during the post-lunch period, also very brief but, combined with the increasing heat in the attic where I was sitting, it had an intensely drowsiness-inducing and disorienting effect. I’m so groggy right now, this is such a different experience than practicing samatha. Sits the rest of today have been more like yesterday’s, 2-3hrs and pretty much nonstop music going internally, like a weed I’ve allowed to take root and spread. For the last idk half hour or so of the last sit before bed I used buddho just to change it up a bit.
I asked K this: If I do something while sitting to change the mental activity from nonstop music, for example a mantra, would that be depriving myself the immersion required for detachment? Reading the question back I can see that I’m asking about “doing something in order to control the experience,” which you’ve made clear many times is to be avoided but just wanted to check with this specific example. If I don’t use a mantra or anything then it feels very unclear as to whether I’m doing something or not anyway, because the music is so engaging. Does that make sense? I wonder if you or others went through the same sort of process, ie, sitting and watching repetitive thought patterns unfold for hundreds of hours, thought patterns that aren’t especially pleasant or unpleasant but are really really persistent
His response: “Look back on what happened on the night of October 9. How did that happen?”
I get it, I didn’t try to control the experience and just relaxed and allowed whatever would happen to happen. The nonstop music is just going to have to be allowed to be there for as long as it takes I guess.
10/16 day 2 without any dips, only a couple of brief moments of feeling slightly more relaxed, a faint feeling of releasing.
Three 3hr sits and two 2hr sits today and no dips, no changes in state of consciousness or anything, just sitting with some feeling eg of release in part of one leg or tingling hand or electric hairnet across half of the brain like once per hour and deep breaths or yawns, burps, swallowing, and occasional random tears. Sometimes pressure at temples as if my head is in a vise but not distressing.
10/17 day 3 w no dips, sits are getting consistently longer. Still not totally effortless but resistance seems to be decreasing. Actually one tiny dip about halfway through the second post breakfast sit, strange, only noticed it bc I didn’t need to swallow and breathing got really smooth. Asp noticed my hands had shifted slightly. Still nearly nonstop music going internally while maintaining a balance of indifference and curiosity. Impatience is decreasing. Seems to help that the neighborhood has been quieter than usual.
10/18 received this beautiful reply from teacher friend S re my difficulty with walking past all the scared, sad, angry barking dogs in my neighborhood:
“Indeed... Is it an unpleasant pain, then? There are many ways of seeing and practicing that that might help here, or be skillful. For example, seeing that because their nature and circumstances are conditioned, they are pure. If you can help them somehow wholesomely, such as by giving a treat or otherwise befriending them - if it feels right, of course, I don't know how you guys treat the dogs of others over there! - that would of course be beautiful.
But if no such course of action is available, in the spirit of even something as foundational in the West as the Serenity Prayer is quite accurate in tone. If their circumstances are such that you can do nothing to alleviate them, accepting their karma with loving kindness and compassion is the extent of what can be done
I.e. if you can't help them, you can basically only help yourself through detachment, as you seem to do. They are beautiful beings, but ultimately their suffering stems from the same delusions as human suffering. It's an 'adventitious veil' under which there is the primordially pure nature of mere conditioned factors/karma. And since karma has an unknowable source and is so majestically vast and mysterious, it is good to see as pure. It has no characteristics or nature besides itself, i.e. conditioned becoming. But loving kindness and compassion are still wonderful and beautiful here as well, and even the pain of their suffering - if it feels beautiful - is absolutely fine. Poor dogs tho
“So grateful for this wisdom. Must look into this Serenity Prayer…
I’ve noticed that my fantasies during this retreat so far are so different from the ones I had during the retreat I did last year. Lately the recurring themes have to do with donating blood (which has always scared me), visiting and writing letters to people to apologize, thank them, tell them I love them, etc., reconnecting with my family and looking into reconciling with the religious tradition I grew up with, and getting rid of as much of my stuff as I can and selling my house and moving to a quieter area!
At the same time, I’m noticing a decrease in my desire to see progress in my practice, to know what’s happening, to have it make sense, etc
Had a couple of tiny dips today but not at the usual time and not with the usual pleasant effect. The first happened early in the morning during the first sit of the day today and almost didn’t happen, it seemed like as soon as it started it ended with an abrupt kick from my leg, which was strangely not disruptive, or hardly at all. That sit was very pleasant and peaceful, over three hours with 80% less music or other discernible content in the mind, just lovely space. The other dip was just now during the post-lunch period, also very brief but, combined with the increasing heat in the attic where I was sitting, it had an intensely drowsiness-inducing and disorienting effect. I’m so groggy right now, this is such a different experience than practicing samatha. Sits the rest of today have been more like yesterday’s, 2-3hrs and pretty much nonstop music going internally, like a weed I’ve allowed to take root and spread. For the last idk half hour or so of the last sit before bed I used buddho just to change it up a bit.
I asked K this: If I do something while sitting to change the mental activity from nonstop music, for example a mantra, would that be depriving myself the immersion required for detachment? Reading the question back I can see that I’m asking about “doing something in order to control the experience,” which you’ve made clear many times is to be avoided but just wanted to check with this specific example. If I don’t use a mantra or anything then it feels very unclear as to whether I’m doing something or not anyway, because the music is so engaging. Does that make sense? I wonder if you or others went through the same sort of process, ie, sitting and watching repetitive thought patterns unfold for hundreds of hours, thought patterns that aren’t especially pleasant or unpleasant but are really really persistent
His response: “Look back on what happened on the night of October 9. How did that happen?”
I get it, I didn’t try to control the experience and just relaxed and allowed whatever would happen to happen. The nonstop music is just going to have to be allowed to be there for as long as it takes I guess.
11/10-11/11 Zhan zhuang wk43d3-wk43d4Ba duan jin 20min Wu chi 10min balloon 5min Wu chi 3min standing in the stream 20min Wu chi 3min
10/11 I got some great messages from my teacher friend S today, in response to my sharing about my feeling of impatience:
“I think it may provide good context here to mention that you are indeed - on so many levels! - not actually looking to attain something, but in fact for the cessation of something. And though in terms of result this involves the cessation of suffering, it's not just about that. It's the cessation of the production of delusion that frees, the cessation of the so-called 'adventitious veils' - both of an emotional and a cognitive or 'doxastic', view-like nature - that cover up what truly is there to begin with, the nameless and signless, uncontrived state of 'reality'.
“There is a very apt sense in which you're already there. That's called the tathāgatagarbha, the seed-element of awakening which is actually just awakening, but covered by veils.
“The veils are nothing but delusion. Delusion is the only thing that sustains them. The mind holds on to habitual, conditioned patterns of reaction and thinking that the way it perceives the world is real.
“If you really look at what all this is and discard all the arbitrary postulations of self, objects, language, meanings, and the rest, what this seems to be is basically mere appearance.
“That's right view - it's *exactly* as it seems to be, i.e. mere appearance without any characteristics in itself. All characteristics have to be perceived, noticed and recognized to be there. Kind of like Immanuel Kant's "categories of understanding". As such it's beyond all conceptual labeling and all extremes. Being so, it's *pure*, and has always-already been so. Being pure, it's flawless - no flaw can be seen, and after all, how could something so utterly conditioned yet so vast and mysterious be flawed? Being flawless, it's perfect.
“To the extent the mind grasps that primordial purity and perfection, it's free, since it understands that imprisonment and suffering are basically just illusionary nonsense. They have no reality whatsoever beyond the imputations of the mind itself. That's why they're called 'adventitious'.
“When the mind is free, it tends to do what it likes to do, spontaneously, which is basically: liking. You like liking things. Everyone does. And everyone is actually free already, in an essential sense, they just don't understand it. Everything you need is already there. It's just that on top of what you need and want the mind cooks up a bunch of other unhelpful nonsense and thinks it makes sense haha
“I guarantee you, the more you practice and contemplate and follow this path, the more obvious it becomes that the suffering stuff just makes no sense at all! It's like the mind cooks itself novel batches of poison and drinks them because it thinks it has to, although it's actually a veritable god-being hehe.
“In this sense there is nothing to attain - only to realize. It's an omission, not an addition.
“Your practice orientation is quite good for this, since it's based so much on exactly omission. There's nothing whatsoever to cling to except mere illusion. Clinging itself is an illusion, in this sense, too.
“Also, the tradition makes clear - quite helpfully! - that there is no special experience to look for. This does not mean that it's fine and okay to just keep being enmeshed in the mire of delusion, as many people unfortunately misunderstand it, but that it's through a profound acceptance that this is truly it and there's nothing more to it that realization dawns.
“It really is quite fascinating, very elegant, even miraculous. Genuinely. It's like a profound teaching baked right into the cake of human reality. I hope this is of some use or inspiration with your impatience haha. The Buddha is, as a classic metaphor goes, already there, wrapped in dirty rags. It's like the honey hidden in a beehive. Like a treasure forgotten in your backpocket. It's nothing more or less than the actual, basic state of your mind, on top of which various weeds just have a tendency of growing and covering it up.
“Much, much easier said than done to realize it I'm afraid, but it's a gradual process indeed. The visceral conviction will deepen over time, especially if you already have some cognitive conviction and understanding of it.”
My practice still has so much efforting in it. I know all that’s needed is to let go and let be, so my mind is fiercely trying to make that realization happen, even though I know that’s not how it works. It’s just old conditioning, deeply ingrained habits, and I have to maintain the position of calm, welcoming, open arms and patiently allow the mind to run itself out until it can let go on its own.
I was thinking about what I said about sleep and dreams becoming more like waking life, and how my friend K has referred to this process as “falling awake” several times. I really can relax more during sits and stop trying to trick myself into relaxing. It’s like I’ve been trying to drop the ball instead of actually dropping it. So I’m going to allow myself the attitude of going to sleep when I sit, although I’m not sleepy, just that attitude of really not caring, not looking for anything, not trying to get anything, just being. Easier said than done but I have to state the intention and then let it go.
I’m starting to think that the meaning of “quality” when we talk about quality over quantity is sitting with the ability to really drop everything, drop expectations, allow all the internal and external phenomena to be whatever they are, and to approach it more like “falling awake” than “I’m gonna let go so hard and make this thing happen.” It just goes against all my conditioning is all.
10/11 I got some great messages from my teacher friend S today, in response to my sharing about my feeling of impatience:
“I think it may provide good context here to mention that you are indeed - on so many levels! - not actually looking to attain something, but in fact for the cessation of something. And though in terms of result this involves the cessation of suffering, it's not just about that. It's the cessation of the production of delusion that frees, the cessation of the so-called 'adventitious veils' - both of an emotional and a cognitive or 'doxastic', view-like nature - that cover up what truly is there to begin with, the nameless and signless, uncontrived state of 'reality'.
“There is a very apt sense in which you're already there. That's called the tathāgatagarbha, the seed-element of awakening which is actually just awakening, but covered by veils.
“The veils are nothing but delusion. Delusion is the only thing that sustains them. The mind holds on to habitual, conditioned patterns of reaction and thinking that the way it perceives the world is real.
“If you really look at what all this is and discard all the arbitrary postulations of self, objects, language, meanings, and the rest, what this seems to be is basically mere appearance.
“That's right view - it's *exactly* as it seems to be, i.e. mere appearance without any characteristics in itself. All characteristics have to be perceived, noticed and recognized to be there. Kind of like Immanuel Kant's "categories of understanding". As such it's beyond all conceptual labeling and all extremes. Being so, it's *pure*, and has always-already been so. Being pure, it's flawless - no flaw can be seen, and after all, how could something so utterly conditioned yet so vast and mysterious be flawed? Being flawless, it's perfect.
“To the extent the mind grasps that primordial purity and perfection, it's free, since it understands that imprisonment and suffering are basically just illusionary nonsense. They have no reality whatsoever beyond the imputations of the mind itself. That's why they're called 'adventitious'.
“When the mind is free, it tends to do what it likes to do, spontaneously, which is basically: liking. You like liking things. Everyone does. And everyone is actually free already, in an essential sense, they just don't understand it. Everything you need is already there. It's just that on top of what you need and want the mind cooks up a bunch of other unhelpful nonsense and thinks it makes sense haha
“I guarantee you, the more you practice and contemplate and follow this path, the more obvious it becomes that the suffering stuff just makes no sense at all! It's like the mind cooks itself novel batches of poison and drinks them because it thinks it has to, although it's actually a veritable god-being hehe.
“In this sense there is nothing to attain - only to realize. It's an omission, not an addition.
“Your practice orientation is quite good for this, since it's based so much on exactly omission. There's nothing whatsoever to cling to except mere illusion. Clinging itself is an illusion, in this sense, too.
“Also, the tradition makes clear - quite helpfully! - that there is no special experience to look for. This does not mean that it's fine and okay to just keep being enmeshed in the mire of delusion, as many people unfortunately misunderstand it, but that it's through a profound acceptance that this is truly it and there's nothing more to it that realization dawns.
“It really is quite fascinating, very elegant, even miraculous. Genuinely. It's like a profound teaching baked right into the cake of human reality. I hope this is of some use or inspiration with your impatience haha. The Buddha is, as a classic metaphor goes, already there, wrapped in dirty rags. It's like the honey hidden in a beehive. Like a treasure forgotten in your backpocket. It's nothing more or less than the actual, basic state of your mind, on top of which various weeds just have a tendency of growing and covering it up.
“Much, much easier said than done to realize it I'm afraid, but it's a gradual process indeed. The visceral conviction will deepen over time, especially if you already have some cognitive conviction and understanding of it.
”My practice still has so much efforting in it. I know all that’s needed is to let go and let be, so my mind is fiercely trying to make that realization happen, even though I know that’s not how it works. It’s just old conditioning, deeply ingrained habits, and I have to maintain the position of calm, welcoming, open arms and patiently allow the mind to run itself out until it can let go on its own.
I was thinking about what I said about sleep and dreams becoming more like waking life, and how my friend K has referred to this process as “falling awake” several times. I really can relax more during sits and stop trying to trick myself into relaxing. It’s like I’ve been trying to drop the ball instead of actually dropping it. So I’m going to allow myself the attitude of going to sleep when I sit, although I’m not sleepy, just that attitude of really not caring, not looking for anything, not trying to get anything, just being. Easier said than done but I have to state the intention and then let it go.
I’m starting to think that the meaning of “quality” when we talk about quality over quantity is sitting with the ability to really drop everything, drop expectations, allow all the internal and external phenomena to be whatever they are, and to approach it more like “falling awake” than “I’m gonna let go so hard and make this thing happen.” It just goes against all my conditioning is all.
Auntie Antei
the cessation of the so-called 'adventitious veils' - both of an emotional and a cognitive or 'doxastic', view-like nature - that cover up what truly is there to begin with, the nameless and signless, uncontrived state of 'reality'.
the cessation of the so-called 'adventitious veils' - both of an emotional and a cognitive or 'doxastic', view-like nature - that cover up what truly is there to begin with, the nameless and signless, uncontrived state of 'reality'.
Thank you, I learned two new words today - adventitious and doxastic!
And the rest of the shared teachers are great, thanks for sharing them.“Much, much easier said than done to realize it I'm afraid, but it's a gradual process indeed. The visceral conviction will deepen over time, especially if you already have some cognitive conviction and understanding of it.
”My practice still has so much efforting in it. I know all that’s needed is to let go and let be, so my mind is fiercely trying to make that realization happen, even though I know that’s not how it works. It’s just old conditioning, deeply ingrained habits, and I have to maintain the position of calm, welcoming, open arms and patiently allow the mind to run itself out until it can let go on its own.
I was thinking about what I said about sleep and dreams becoming more like waking life, and how my friend K has referred to this process as “falling awake” several times. I really can relax more during sits and stop trying to trick myself into relaxing. It’s like I’ve been trying to drop the ball instead of actually dropping it. So I’m going to allow myself the attitude of going to sleep when I sit, although I’m not sleepy, just that attitude of really not caring, not looking for anything, not trying to get anything, just being. Easier said than done but I have to state the intention and then let it go.
I’m starting to think that the meaning of “quality” when we talk about quality over quantity is sitting with the ability to really drop everything, drop expectations, allow all the internal and external phenomena to be whatever they are, and to approach it more like “falling awake” than “I’m gonna let go so hard and make this thing happen.” It just goes against all my conditioning is all.
This is really good stuff. Recognizing the "damned if I try, damned if I don't try" situation is really important. The best advice I can offer is to remember that so much of meditation is usually making a study of something rather than directly trying to intervene and fix something. The natural intelligence of the heart/mind automatically changes when it truly sees what is going on. This is the metaphor of "dropping the hot coal", when we actually feel the burning from the hot coal, the hand automatically drops it, but if we're distracting ourself from feeling it, we hold onto it for a long time.
The quality that you are looking for in your "sits", in my opinion, is developing a greater and greater intimacy with the "not dropping it". Really learn to appreciate and experience how the poor sense of self clings to it's problem, clings to "trying to drop", all the very personal ways you in particular have a "problem".
It's very interesting, the heart/mind has a natural intelligence and a natural protective instinct. The protective instinct keeps you from ripping off the bandaid too soon, the natural intelligence knows we aren't meant to wear the bandaid forever. Hmm, maybe not a great metaphor but close.
Honestly, the way that I thought about it was my mind was a very dumb lizard that overreacted to everything out of a sense of self defense. And it was only by intimately watching/experiencing these overreactions that I could see that they were indeed overreactions. And I mean this in less of a psychological sense (pathologies) than the existential sense (fundamental anxiety and restlessness). The poor lizard couldn't just "be here" when nothing much was going on, it was worried, it was restless, if it didn't really have a problem it would assume it was missing something and would look for a problem. Poor lizard. I felt sorry for it, but I could see that it just needed to learn... and the way it learned was through intentional practice. Intending to either allow or create situations where the lizard would needlessly twitch and I could become intimate with that dynamic and see it for what it truly was. And the most amazing thing was that lizard just needed to sit on a rock, AKA sit in mediation, and all of it's twitchings would occur even in the absence of "real" events. And because I was just sitting, I had the mental power to experience deeply, rather than trying to do this in the midst of real life. After I "saw" it on the cushion, then practicing in real life became possible in a way I never imagined. So meditation really is the way to have high quality experiences that lead to learning and change and the instinctual dropping of needlless drama and needless problem making.
It was really humbling to see all the subtle ways I was my own worst enemy, but I also learned to identify more strongly with the _intelligence_ that was capable of seeing that I was my own worst enemy --- that's essential otherwise you can develop a "victim mentality" or become "a wound collector" by identifying with the flaws. We're actually the heroic and wise mind that is leaving the scared and frightened mind behind. It is very tempting to identify as the flawed person because then we don't have to intimately experience the reactivity and we don't have to change, because we believe we ARE the flawed person instead of the wisdom mind. We don't look any deeper than being flawed. So that's another clever way the lizard protects itself, it doesn't look too deep if it thinks there is nothing that can be done about it. This is where sangha can help us see beyond our current limited views...
The nice thing about all of this is that we see that the lizard had good intentions, but was just confused. In buddhist terms you could say that dukka is confused compassion and awakening is true compassion. And compassion usually doesn't mean trying to fix dukka, it actually means having the power to be with the sensory qualities of dukka. Com = together/with and passion = suffering/enduring, as in the passion of Christ. So quality compassion is being quite strong in the midst of challenging experiences -- responsive but not reactive -- in the same way that when a friend is suffering we give them strength by being strong ourselves yet at the same time fully experiencing their suffering and allowing them to fully express their suffering. No resistance. Quality practice takes us into the realm where we have to experience our flaws and reactivity directly, without trying to manipulate it. Eventually with no resistance. Which all a very long way to say that fully experiencing not dropping the ball is -- paradoxically but truly -- the fast way to learn how to instinctually drop the ball.
(It took me a long time to see this, I hope this is helpful.)
And the very very nice thing is that when the very dumb lizard sees something finally, it simply and truly drops it. Dumb lizards are slow to change but quick in the changing. When it truly sees that an anxiety is wasted energy, it drops it. When it truly sees that restlessness is wasted energy, it drops it. When it sees that trying to protect an imagined self is wasted energy, it truly drops it. When it sees that trying to fix an imagined future problem in the present moment is futile, it truly drops it.
It's a very smart lizard after all!
