Message Boards Message Boards

Dharma Diagnostic Clinic, aka "What was that?"

Something significant or equanimity, or nothing at all?

Toggle
Ive been sort of leaning away from the 4 path model as Im not sure my practice and experience can relate to it accurately enough to work off it.

But after many shifts and losses of sense of self and returnings of sense of sense of self etc, long periods of peace , changes significant and lasting enough to say I would be at least 1st path if not further if I had to use the model that is, I eventually went through probably the nastiest dark night so far for me for the past 3 months.

Whether it was dark night, conventional life circumstances, psychological issues like low self esteem/loneliness, or all three thrown together, Im not too sure.

What I do know is that I was in alot of pain alot of the time and some deep peace and bliss other times.

But the last few days have been something of a significant change to all other "relief" periods during this dark period. I seem to have totally surrended to pain or any negativity that arises in my mind and body. It started in the middle of the night last week when I couldnt sleep and was suffering pretty badly over small things. Basically it felt like I realised that the only reason Im suffering is because I dont want to experience pain or negativity,but this realisation felt deeper than intellectual. It affected my well being right there and then, I was very relaxed while experiencing the pain.

The next day, with work stress , I felt like I had lost this realization but it only took about an hour or two for it to sink back in, and since then it hasnt gone away.

Experiences to note:

- This time , no fancy consciousness shift or view of reality that is in any way exciting at all, very very ordinary, even just an "unenlightened" normal experience if that means anything to anyone.

- peace with the notion of having a sense of self, or not having one, either way it seems empty and insignicant (for now anyway).

- no desire to experience the "cool experiences"of enlightenment (you know those 'all is one'/'theres no I' feeling, and hightened visual and sound alertness. Moreso a realization that those experiences were beginning to get in the way of the path rather than them being a sign that "somethings happening".

- Pain still , emotional insecurity still arising (but far less) but most importantly, an instant automatic response that wanting that to go away will only cause suffering. (the pain itself being fine, suffering being the crap part), so as a result, the mental suffering attached to it seems gone, I feel liberated , even while in pain. (I use the word pain very loosely btw, I just mean a conventionally undesirable body/mind reaction). But it also worth noting that Im at peace with the notion of needing to improve mself conventionally, be it through therapy or whatever other methods.

- Definitely not bliss or deep joy like other happy bouts I had during the past few months, and a complete okayness with this.

My practice has been simple concentration on the breath, focusing on emptiness of all objects including me and the sensations that make it up, and also some conventional CBT to stop the habits of some completely incorrect thinking about myself (perfectionism, low self esteem) that had been lying dormant for a while.

Any thoughts?

RE: Something significant or equanimity, or nothing at all?
Answer
3/29/13 10:53 PM as a reply to wylo ..
Hi, wylo. Curious about how this is working out for you.