Problem:
I am keen to find out if certain recent events are related to meditation practice and not just anxiety/depression. Any input I can get would be much appreciated! I never explicitly practiced insight meditation but I might have reached 'insight territory'.
Background:
Before I started meditation, I had been contemplating how my attachment and cravings lead to disappointment and suffering on a daily basis for about a 6 months(this is because I was dealing with an addiction). A month or so after beginning meditation, I started having an overwhelming desire to seek 'the meaning of my life'.
Practice:
My practice is mostly metta. I start out wishing metta for myself and then move onto do the same for others(I never verbalize out loud - only in my head). I do this until I reach the point where I feel tranquil at which point, I stop the metta. After this I start watching the breath and bodily sensations and thoughts with a wide focus. Based on jhana factors, I believe I might be hitting the 1st and maybe the 2nd (soft) samatha jhanas.
I usually practice for a total of 1-2 hours a day in 2 sittings.
My concentration is not very impressive. The 'monkey mind' never stops but after a while, the thoughts don't disturb my mindfulness.
I have been meditating for about 3 months now.
Phenomena:
After a month or so after beginning meditation, I started feeling vibrations near my nostrils (if I am watching my breath). I also feel the occasional 'popping' sensations inside my head (It's like space itself is warping inside my head - this happens one or two pops at a time). There was a time when the vibrations were present even off the cushion but nowadays they rarely appear off the cushion.
I still experience the occasional popping sensation in my head as I go about my daily activities.
Recent Events off the cushion: Cycling between sad-bliss and anxiety
(i)Loss of sense of self
A couple of weeks ago, a stressful and disappointing life event left me in a state of anxiety. While this itself is nothing new, a week or so afterwards, I went through a couple of days that can only be described as 'losing the sense of self'. At one point, I felt as if my physical body was breaking into a billion pieces. Afterwards, I felt I felt like I have been delusional - and all the my worldly pursuits have no meaning. Each waking moment was unbearable - I have never experienced this sort of feeling before. At this point, I chose to seek the help of a therapist.
(ii)Blissfull sadness+feeling like a break-through is about to happen
After a while, the agonizing pain above passed and was replaced with a sort of bliss. In this state, I still feel a sense of loss and emptiness. I also feel like I must continue meditating because I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough.
(iii)Cycling between bliss and anxiety
On some days, I would fall back into the former state of anxiety. They are less intense than the initial stage I described above. These mood swings are usually triggered by outside events.
Developments in meditation Practice(Itching):
I still meditate using the technique described above. There is a new development: After about 40minutes, I develop itches in my body. These itches are sometimes unbearable. At this point, I also find it hard to concentrate, and my mind wanders off and I also become sleepy(On one occasion, I became tearful - even though I could feel no emotion at that point in my meditation.). I usually become frustrated and stop meditating at this point.
I am perfectly willing to accept that all these things are just life events and have nothing to do with meditation. These experiences are different to how I usually react so my gut feeling is that there is some insight knowledge mixed in here.
What to do you guys think?
