depression - metta - future plans

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Squirrel Master, modified 10 Years ago at 8/4/13 8:34 AM
Created 10 Years ago at 8/4/13 8:34 AM

depression - metta - future plans

Posts: 28 Join Date: 7/8/11 Recent Posts
Hi Friends,

with this post i would like to ask about your oppinion on my future plans coz im totally unsure if im making a good decision.
First i will tell some general stuff about myself, than about my current situation and than about my plans.

general:
im 29, from europe, having a depression since childhood and sozial anxiety as well as a lack of self confidence, not sure if im in dark night as well or not. im in Psychotherapy since 2 years (depth psychology) and also here i cant see much progress. still feeling shit.

current situation:
once again im struggeling with what to do next in my live. Just comming back from 3 month at Gaia house, with nearly no visible progress on my Mahasi practice (well i still belive that there must be some hidden progress). I tried to stick to all day noting as described by Mahasi and in the MCTB but im having a lot of leaks of mindfullness in each session and during the day. no SE or Jhanas by the way.

My plan after the retreat was to go studying, bringing my life in order, finding a girlfriend and life a normal happy life and therefore with a more happy mind also making progress in my dharma practice . But now im feeling very depressed and lost again. And even thinking about to go studying brings a lot of aversion up in me. Also going back to my old job which would be an option brings a lot of aversion up. The Aversion comes from the imagination of hanging out in an office all day, doing an meaningless job, being totally exhausted at the end of the day and struggeling with my sozial anxiety. I think my psyche is too much out of order to work in a normal job.

plans:
im thinking about to go to Bali for 6-12 month for a combination of surfing, extended metta practice and some Mahasi retreats.
Somehow surfing is one of the last thinks im feeling a strong draw towards. With the Metta practice i hope i will be able to overcome my depression and anxiety or at least to be less depressive and anxious and feel more stable and happy. When practicing metta now i can clearly see how my depression fades away within some minutes, but it doesnt last very long as soon as i stop. So my hope is that when coming back from that surfing-metta-vipassana trip i will feel more stable and ready for a normal life.


Questions:

-1 What do u think about the plan, im not sure if i will get lasting benefits out of it or if this is just running away from my problems and when i come back i will face the same problems again. im already aware that there is some escapism involved in my plan, but still i think there could be some benefit in it.

-2 Does anyone has experience if it is possible to overcome depression and anxiety with practicing metta? And what are the long term benefits of practicing metta?


greetings. and thanks for ur advice. The Sqirrel master
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Zyndo Zyhion, modified 10 Years ago at 8/4/13 9:54 AM
Created 10 Years ago at 8/4/13 9:38 AM

RE: depression - metta - future plans

Posts: 168 Join Date: 8/6/10 Recent Posts
Hi there Squirrel, hearing your story I feel a lot of empathy, because it reminds me of mine. Maybe its mere conjecture on my part, or maybe I'm able to read between the line. Because I have and still am going through what your going through.

Great, by the way, you have taken it all quite seriously, having done 3 mths retreat. Did you hope you would attain stream entry and that it would all become a lot easier and that you could finally move on with your life?
My plan … was to … bringing my life in order, finding … a normal happy life … and ... making progress in my dharma practice . But now im feeling very depressed and lost again. … I think my psyche is too much out of order to work in a normal job.

That you would re-awaken those old feelings associated with A&P and start enjoying life again? Think back to that earlier time sincerely? Maybe you will remember that it was up and down and that ⅔ of the time you were quite unhappy? Though at least you could snap through to some really good meditation sates, for periods! No?

One of the places I would ask to start, is with the idiots guild to dhamma diagnosis? It is perfunctory to work out where you really are? Where are you by the way? Here are, An idiots guide to dhamma diagnosis: by Kenneth Folk and Also Daniel Ingram's, Insight stage map. Which really helped me clarify the stuff in his book and where I am in my practice. This took a few 3 month retreats to clearly resolve. I wasn't totally off, but i wasn't making a clear distinction between my peak experiences and the centre of gravity of my attainment in insight. And i couldn't clearly distinguish between the different sub-nanas of equanimity.

Im in Psychotherapy since 2 years (depth psychology) and also here i cant see much progress. still feeling shit.

Great about the psychotherapy by the way, i recently started a transpersonal counselling course and i'd recommend finding a good therapist in that field? Ken Wilber was there and involved in its creation.

Equanimity can get more and more refined. Sayadaw U Pandita jr. would tell me something to the affect in retreat, that the unpleasant experiences associated with depression, are just sensations, watch them pass. That heaviness and ache in the brain, that drop in mood, where you feel really depressed, but chemically, where your not actually that unhappy in thought but yet your really unhappy. Its not a sadness in a crying kind of way, that would eventually be cathartic because its a feeling in your body, in your emotions, its just that the brain wont let you out of that aching, heavy, dead, set of sensations, associated with brain chemistry kind of psychic weight? Well thats how it is for me.
But, it does come and go and there is also the anxiety interspersed with it too, no? Thats the point, it comes in and goes in and if you can develop that neutrality, to it and refine your equanimity, it gets easier to bare.


One approach to the refinement of equanimity is to not push to develop the state and the associated concentration that goes with it, but to build up your relaxation and stay more closely with the object of the rising and falling, rather than all those extra sensation that are often more intense. That you would like to see through to the changing nature and have dissolve.

current situation:.. Just comming back from 3 month at Gaia house, with nearly no visible progress on my Mahasi practice (well i still belive that there must be some hidden progress). I tried to stick to all day noting as described by Mahasi and in the MCTB but im having a lot of leaks of mindfullness in each session and during the day. no SE or Jhanas by the way.
Yes i imagine there was! I imagine here, that you are thinking of where, you think you should be, rather than where you actually are? Consistent equanimity isn't built up through peak experiences, but through being with what is, relaxing and accepting, what is. Allow it to flow, you don't have to solve it, or fix it, or change it, or get rid of it. You just need to stay present with the now, walk, sit, watch your feet, watch your breath and stay relaxed. Just stay relaxed, but don't lose your mindfulness and fall asleep!

With the Metta practice i hope i will be able to overcome my depression and anxiety or at least to be less depressive and anxious and feel more stable and happy. When practicing metta now i can clearly see how my depression fades away within some minutes, but it doesnt last very long as soon as i stop. So my hope is that when coming back from that surfing-metta-vipassana trip i will feel more stable and ready for a normal life.

Keep working with the Metta, people like Goldstein, Kornfield, Salzberg & McDonald all recommend it. This will help you strenghten your concentration. Unfortunately it wont get rid of the dark night. But it does give you periods of relief, and strengths the factor of concentration from the seven factors of enlightenment. Insight needs concentration!
Keep in mind, there is this idea that you can learn to keep a level of concentration that you keep active through out daily-life, Ajahn Sumedo and the Thai Tradition talk a lot about this. The notions is of keeping samadhi in daily activity. Keep calm & relaxed and watch the breath or feet. It is a kind of a mindfulness Samadhi.

Does anyone has experience if it is possible to overcome depression and anxiety with practicing metta? And what are the long term benefits of practicing metta?

Whats been helping me over the last year is anti-depressants, luvox, staying relaxed and mindful, learning to not react to the depression, and doing something positive like dance, surfing or l.a.r.p.ing. Seeing people, like close friends and family once or twice a week.
Good luck, tell us about your practice. Neem.

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