I want eternal peace

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QWERT Y, modified 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 12:54 PM
Created 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 12:54 PM

I want eternal peace

Posts: 5 Join Date: 9/9/12 Recent Posts
Ok, so I'm fucking up somehow and I need someone to tell me straight what I'm doing wrong, because right now my life is miserable.

The happiest I have ever been is in meditation. I think my first A&P was probably when I was a child, but a few years ago I went to a Goenka retreat (my first time meditating) and it really pushed my spiritual progress into overdrive. For probably 6 months I would meditate regularly, but I've stopped since then. It's been about 9 months since the last time I meditated.

I've always felt like a bit of an outsider. I think that I see things differently than the average person, and that makes it hard for me to relate to most people. I'm very introverted. I prefer to be alone and I prefer to do exactly what I want to do, which is basically to meditate, read, and reflect and so on.

However lately this feeling has gotten way more acute. I've become totally annoyed with my entire ego. I want to just leave everything behind and do my own thing. Everyday I wake up and I feel like my life has no purpose, and the demands/expectations of civilization make me feel like I am being torn apart from two sides. I'm a university student in my Junior year so I have a lot of things to do. I've been taking drugs (adderall) because it's the only thing that makes me do my work. Otherwise I just don't give a shit about it and it doesn't get done.

And I don't feel like I can meditate in this environment! That's the real problem. Last semester I started meditating again and things became very intense very quickly for me. For instance, after on of my sits I achieved a high enough concentration level so that when I opened my eyes I could perceive the individual "frames" of my vision presenting themselves. When I was having experiences like this on a basically regular basis schoolwork seemed pretty pointless. I eventually had to stop meditating because my grades were falling so quickly.

I don't know what to do... I want to finish school, but I hate being so miserable while I do it. Taking drugs every day just to stay afloat seems wrong. After I graduate I will be able to pursue some serious meditation, but how can I stay sane until that happens?

Many, many thanks.
Christian Calamus, modified 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 2:08 PM
Created 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 2:08 PM

RE: I want eternal peace

Posts: 88 Join Date: 10/23/10 Recent Posts
There seems to be a severe conflict between your mundane life and your spiritual life. This is quite common, but it's not a good thing to keep going, because it basically prevents you from getting anywhere in both cases. So you could look at this conflict and see if it is really necessary.

More specifically, you could try at least the following things:

1. realize that meditation is supposed to make your life easier and more enjoyable; granted, the meditative path has some inevitable ups and downs, but in the end, you're supposed to learn how to be content in whatever circumstances arise; ask yourself what you could change so that meditation becomes a helpful, integral part of your life?

2.examine your ideas about meditation etc. and see if there are any unheplful/unpractical things that keep you from getting what you want; these could for example be expectations that meditation will lead you to "eternal peace", solve all your problems etc.

3. take up a practice that causes less disruption and integrates more easily with your life, maybe some gentler practice like metta or related forms of meditation that help cultivate positive feelings towards yourself and others and help keep you balanced (one such type of meditation that I personally find helpful is Bhante Vimalaramsi's interpretation of metta and breath meditation PDF here)

Best wishes!
Christian
B B, modified 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 4:37 PM
Created 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 4:22 PM

RE: I want eternal peace

Posts: 69 Join Date: 9/14/12 Recent Posts
I can relate to a lot of this. I'm also in university and was going through the same sort of experience as you only last year, but I got through it and got SE 6 months ago.

The details you've disclosed on your personality and concentration ability sound promising. I'd say focus on jhana practice until you've got at least the first 4, then move to vipassana, making sure you choose a technique most suitable to your mental proclivities. I never used a popular technique myself, but just intuitively investigated reality with the 3Cs in mind.

The only way I can see you're fucking up is in believing you can't meditate in your environment. Faith is such an important part of this. Remember to think positively, hang out on this site – pretty much every question you could have has been answered already – and believe that you can do this and do well in school at the same time, and you will. Also, come to a decision on whether you're actually DN'ing or are just depressed – plenty of info here on distinguishing the two. If the former, the basic thrust of advice I've seen on this is: surrender to reality as it is, don't cling to EQ if you reach it or crave it if you don't, don't stop practicing.

There's potential for enormous amounts of stress here. Jhana is your refuge. But if you think you can mitigate the DN symptoms or even regress to an earlier stage, definitely take that option – unless you like the idea of putting yourself through hell as a character building exercise. There's always next summer, when you can book yourself a nice long retreat and do it the sane person's way.

Either way it's totally worth it. Good luck!
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Richard Zen, modified 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 11:05 PM
Created 10 Years ago at 9/23/13 11:03 PM

RE: I want eternal peace

Posts: 1665 Join Date: 5/18/10 Recent Posts
I did more meditation during daily life than sitting meditation. You'll gain progress while you do your work or study. Some of my most mind-blowingly energized A & P experiences were at work. As some people point out that spiritual bypassing (avoiding responsibilities with meditation) will not make things better. Keep practicing in daily life while pursuing good grades. Good grades will give you more choice in the future on what you want to do with yourself. The practice is to make it easier to tolerate addictive and aversive habits that interfere with your concentration. If you're in the dark night right now (which I think you are) you are going through withdrawal symptoms because you are being disenchanted by the addictive part of your psyche. Try to notice some of the freedom that comes with the territory because even in my crappiest dark night symptoms I could feel like equanimity was just around the corner. If you drive then note while driving. If you walk anywhere there's no reason why you can't note while walking. When you study try and return to the breath or any sensations or thoughts to note when you take breaks. It's hard to keep noting while immersed in study but when the mind wants to wander you can note the wandering and return to study.

I'm definitely an introvert and I learned a lot by looking at my Myers Briggs (INFP) so I think doing an official MBTI test would help you see trends and patterns in habits that have been wired into you for years.

For example: INFPs usually need to learn from ESTJs how to develop their weaker functions. An introvert reenergizes themselves by being alone and extroverts reenergize by being with people. When people are exposed to the opposite energy of the same function it can drain you can drain others unknowingly. Try noticing when you tune out of conversations or people tune out what you're talking about. Since INFPs and ESTJs have the same functions in the same energy lineup it's expected that I can learn from them how to develop the weaker functions without feeling totally drained. The lower functions will help make your top two functions work smarter.

8 cognitive functions

The first letter is where you get your energy from, the second how you see the world, the third how you make decisions, and fourth how you take action. From what you say you sound like a perceiver and the advantage of perceivers is to look at many options before making a decision. The disadvantage is being paralyzed by choice and not acting. Sometimes through acting and trial and error we get better information than if we try to think everything out before we make a decision. A Judging personality will focus on action and get much more done but if they move too fast they make more mistakes. Both sides have to balance themselves out.

Pomodoro technique

Get a time tracking tool to keep you on track. Unfortunately the above link charges for the ebook. Until recently it was free. I attached the old ebook below. The Get To Work tab has the to do list and inventory list sheets for free still. Time tracking things shows you how you are using your time so studying will be more interesting, especially if you break down your goals into smaller pieces. It's easy to be overwhelmed if you look at the total goal and think "how I'm I going to survive?" Don't stay in malaise, okay? People get through huge goals by breaking them down into smaller goals. You'll also see if your taking a longer time on certain subjects rather than others. That's a clue that you need to focus on those areas you find hard more and spend less time on the stuff you find easy. That helped me a lot with some of my REALLY hard exams. The pomodoro technique also gets you to take regular breaks from time to time so you don't burn out. By studying regularly you reduce your stress enormously and that's just as good if not better than meditation.

Another thing is familiar habits need to change so you can handle the larger workload of university. You want to be careful not to slip into dead old habits. When that happens you want to go in another direction.

Cutting new paths in the mind

When we're taught to meditate, there's so much emphasis placed on being in the present moment, not wandering off to the past -- not wandering off to the future -- that we tend to neglect a very important part of Right Effort, which is to prevent unskillful qualities from arising. To prevent these things we have to anticipate them, we have to recognise there are certain patterns of behavior that we tend to fall into, ways in which we're really quick to stab ourselves: thoughts of shame, thoughts of inadequacy, fear, feeling threatened very easily... there are lots of ways in which we bring unnecessary suffering onto ourselves, and they tend to be very quick. They're like paths in the mind that we've walked back and forth many, many times. There's nothing in the way, we've killed all the grass, we've cut back all the bushes, cause we've been back and forth so many times that now we can just run right down those paths, find the arrows at the end of the path and just stick ourselves with them.

And when you recognise you have these patterns you have to learn how to counteract them, so they don't arise or if they do arise you can let go of them quickly. That's what this aspect of Right Effort is all about. And it does require planning. You want to be able to observe the mind: What kind of thoughts does it engage in, [to] bring on that ability to stab yourself? What's the line of thought, what's the reasoning, what's the agenda behind those patterns of thinking? And then very deliberately sit down and think in other ways, learn how to counteract whatever the reasoning there may be behind them. And you want to break these things down into manageable bits.

Last night I heard someone talking about how she'd been on a retreat, and had been dealing with large archetypes in her mind, and perhaps they were taught that they were dealing with archetypes so that they could have a sense that what they were dealing with was important work. But when you think of patterns in your mind as being archetypes, i.e. parts of the collective unconscious, these are things that are built into the human mind, it makes these things really large, much larger than you. And it's very easy to be overcome by these things.

So remember it's not an archetype, it's a pattern, it's a pattern you may have in common with lots of other people, but it's simply a habit, or a series of a habits, and you want to learn how to recognize them as specific habits, specific choices that you make. And when you cut them down to size this way, then you find that they are more manageable, you can take them out one by one by one. And if you let them remain archetypes... I was told that Jung had these archetypes carved into stone and placed around his house. And that's a good symbol for what a lot of people do with their patterns of behavior, they carve them into stone, and you can never get rid of them that way. But if you realize it's a series of choices, and patterns of behavior, these pathways in the mind that you've been running up and down, up and down, up and down, it means you can choose other paths, paths that don't lead to a briar patch, don't lead to lots of thorns and arrows. Cut other paths across them. And very deliberately think in other ways.

At first it may seem awkward, but as you learn to think in opposite ways... [For instance] you realize that you've done something wrong, you've hurt somebody, and there's a sense of shame, a sense of embarassment. OK, recognizing that it was a mistake is an important skill that you have to develop, you have to maintain, but by burning yourself up around it, it's not going to brand it into your mind. Because what often happens is when those thoughts become very painful, then you try to deny them. You try to bury them away. The more painful they are, the more they get buried, and of course the more they get buried of course, the harder they are to deal with. And then they don't really help you. You want your memory of your mistakes to be near at hand, but not so painful that you can't pick it up. So just make a mental note, "That was a mistake, I shouldn't have done it that way," and then you try to sit down very deliberately and think about what an alternate way of handling the situation might have been. And that way the shame becomes a useful quality of mind. It's no longer an unskillful quality, it's part of your skillful process of learning.

So in each case, you recognize you've got these habits, you've got to sit down and deliberately counteract them. Cause otherwise they turn into something way too big, way to contentious. That's the kind of thinking that the Buddha calls papanca, where you identify yourself, "I am this kind of person, I am the thinker, and the thinker has these habits, and the thinker has these needs." And as soon as you take on that identity, of course being a being, then you have to feed. Your sense of identity has to be fed with certain thoughts, certain ideas. And it just grows bigger and bigger and bigger. And it's going to conflict with other people's sense of their identity. And these things just get too big to deal with.

This kind of thinking is called objectification, you turn yourself into a particular type of object. You're this being, with these habits, these archetypes filled in. Sometimes papanca is translated as proliferation, it's not really the amount of thinking that's causing the problem, it's the type of thinking, the type of thinking that makes you bigger and more solid than you have to be. And you become a being with all these needs that need to be fulfilled.

So the Buddha's approach is to learn to take all this apart. Remember those questions he said that don't deserve asking, or don't deserve attention? "Who am I? What am I? Am I good? Am I bad?" Get the sense of identity out of that, simply look at, what kind of habit is this? Is this a useful habit? Do I really want it? You may know very well that you don't want it, but it keeps coming back, coming back, so you say, well I've got to face it, and deal with it, and deal with it as a habit. And learn how to question it. If you can't come up with good arguments to your mind against following that kind of habit, or falling in line with the reasoning which drives that habit, at least learn to put question marks in, [for instance if it says] "This is this and that's that", and ask yourself well, is that really true? It's so easy to make yourself miserable over what you think someone has said, or someone has done, or what someone represents. And then only to find out later that that wasn't the case at all. So learn how to insert some question marks in the rush of those thoughts, break them up a little bit. So when the impulse comes to follow your old habits, you've got some alternative ways of thinking, alternative ways of breathing, alternative ways of picturing the whole situation to yourself. And alternative ways of relating to these patterns, instead of thinking of them as being large archetypes, or part of your identity, they're simply a series of habits.

And you can create new habits, it's like finding that the paths you've been follwing through the forest lead only to traps that are filled with spikes. Well, you can find other habits, you can cut other paths through the forest. It takes time, sometimes you've got to cut through a lot of brush, but once you've made that first foray into the new path, then it's simply a matter of going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth over and over again. So you get a path out of the forest. Or at the very least if you're going to stay in the forest, you know the good places to go. You know where the water is, you know where shelter is, you know where the good medicinal and edible plants are, and try to blaze a path to those areas.

So you're cutting your old habits down to size by cutting new paths through the forest. This is an important aspect of Right Effort. So you don't keep stabbing yourself in the way you used to, or if you do find you're stabbing yourself, you can quit more quickly. Not just keep indulging in the old habits.

That's one of the ways in which your Right Effort becomes all-around. Then you're not stuck with just one technique, the way the British were stuck in World War II, they thought the Japanese were going to attack Singapore from the sea, so they pointed all their cannons out toward the sea, they had them set in concrete, and sure enough the Japanese came down the Malay peninsula, and the cannons were useless. So don't let yourself be stuck with just cannons pointing in one direction, you've got four directions which you've got to watch out for: learning how to prevent unskillful habits or unskillful qualities from arising, and if they have arisen, learning how to abandon them. How to give rise to skillful qualities and how to develop and nurture skillful qualities when they have arisen. You want your right effort to be all-around. Because only that way can they give you all-around protection.


So use the practice to interrupt the old familiar habits. It's okay if you're halfway through an old habit and you just stop it and go back to what you need to do. Don't identify habits as a "YOU" because they are just habits. We all have conditioning and have to steer away from the bad conditioning. Don't bash yourself or get caught in stories about your future because in reality they are just stories/mental projections and it's often hard for people to know where they will end up working or what vocation they will choose ultimately. It's better to keep working at things in small daily resolutions. One month of school feels like an epic struggle so don't worry about how things will be 4 years later, 1 year later, 1 month later. Plan out what you can for the week at the most and keep following goals one day at a time.

Good luck!
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Bruno Loff, modified 10 Years ago at 9/24/13 11:07 AM
Created 10 Years ago at 9/24/13 11:07 AM

RE: I want eternal peace

Posts: 1094 Join Date: 8/30/09 Recent Posts
In line with what others said: you could try focusing on tranquility meditation (i.e. samatha, jhanas). It is much more conductive to getting things done, and it will give you a taste of the peace you yearn for. And it is a vital part of the noble eightfold path.

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