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Dharma Diagnostic Clinic, aka "What was that?"

Sensations, experimentation, explosions etc

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Hello.

I'll start at the beginning.

Around 2 and a half years ago, aged 20, I was on a train and I started reading a book by Richard Dawkins, about the unlikelyhood of existing at all (Unweaving the Rainbow).

Suddenly I had this unexplainable feeling, about how unlikely it really WAS that we were here at all.

It was my first real 'feeling' that I can remember since long before. Prior to this I can't really say I felt one thing or the other, just unaware numbness and stupor - I can't really recall too well how things 'worked' in this state. Prior to this I also had no knowledge of anything related to meditation, spirituality, sensations, feelings - nor had I taken psychoactive drugs.

It just felt like a orgasm uprising through every cell in my body. Originating in the chest/diaphragm, and building continuously. And it effected everything - my interaction with people was radically elevated to comically ridiculous levels.

About 24 hours later it faded away and things became dull again, but I could never really just get on with life after that point - this was something more important, that I needed to work out.

I must admit this was really a self-centered drive into finding more bliss. I've since worked out that things don't quite work like that.

After frantic continuous googling for many months and no more 'euphoria' I finally stumbled upon an article on an unknown forum, late at night, which was in a similar vein to the R.D. book. This time it was about how human lives are similar to story books - written page by page with the occurrences of daily life, narrated and etched endlessly into it.

And then euphoria came again - and I was thrown back into this vortex of 'uprising potent orgasmic bliss' that just seemed to build itself up into a tidal wave.

I fell asleep and in the morning it was still around, so I instantly walked to town and started making friends with people - something I'd always wanted to do. I was mid lunch with some friends when it faded away and I was back to having a personality that didn't just wander around glowing.

At this point, I started to question the facile trappings of modern western society. What I had previously known as 'happiness' just seemed silly now. What were feelings without actually feeling anything? This happiness on the other hand, had nothing to do with possessions, money, or social approval.

A few more months passed of continual searching, and then one evening, I happened to yawn - and whilst yawning, I noticed a very slight euphoric feeling.

I was intrigued, so I yawned again, this time accompanied by a very slow inhalation over the span of about 10-20 seconds. And there was that surge of euphoria again, building up to almighty highs.

Well, I now felt I could harness this amazing feeling on demand, and all the great accompanying perks of that - Sliding my limited identity aside and just becoming pure energetic joy was incredible.

For the first time I was doing things I had never been able to do before. I went from wallflower to social animal in the space of 10 seconds, pretty much wherever and whenever I wished.

So this was just dandy and carried on being so for many months, whilst I continually abused the 'euphoria trigger'.

Then one day, about 1 and a half years ago, I had a different sensation. It was the polar opposite of euphoria.

I was shopping in a supermarket, alone, and I was suddenly hit with an unstoppable blast of terror, fear and panic that literally felt like I was going to die.

I somehow maintained my footing and just stood still by the chilled pasta sauces for a few minutes whilst it passed. My entire body felt itchy, hot and like it was being pushed outwards.

I got home after this unpleasant ordeal and I was pretty intrigued - I put two and two together and figured that it had something to do with the euphoria - perhaps my blissful exploits had an accompanying reactionary element - perhaps this was alright as well, but I was simply uncomfortable with the notion of 'not being happy' after years of the dogmatic pressure to 'be happy happy all day long and smile all the time'.

At this point, I had not come across anything relating my euphoric feelings to anything spiritual, eastern, meditative practice, etc.

Weeks later I discovered the adage of Yin and Yang, and further readings about body energy after googling the unpleasant 'emotion' - more people had lots to say about this side of the spectrum - but I could also see that lots of it was sales-oriented.

I became disinterested in so much reading when pretty much everything I came across online led to pages selling 'bioenergetic t-shirts', 'chakra crystals' and even dietary plans to become 'enlightened'.

I felt that I had come thus far experientially and that it would continue as such - yet I figured that anyone who genuinely had such experience with similar 'energies' would not be trying to sell a crockpot product to the baying masses - they'd be documenting and discussing it with those of a similar disposition.

Life over the next year became a challenge - continual fear, panic and terror at random times in public, accompanied by negative thought patterns, interweaved with occasional bursts of blissful unity and joy where I couldn't even imagine being anything but that state.

At all times I started feeling one thing or another, continually. As I went about my day, certain stressors would trigger particular sensations.

I also resisted a lot of the panic, fear and anxiety when it first started - as time went on, I tried lots of methods of coping, dealing with this, attempting to reach cathartic balance, but nothing really worked.

I came across an Osho article by chance one day, probably about a year ago - which sort of detailed the idea of not existing and ego.

I flung myself into this world of 'no ego' - attempts at Zen attainment, etc - and realised it simply wasn't what it was made out to be. I got some insights, which all just left me feeling 'clarity' for months on end, before fading.

And, for the last 6 months or so, I've been sort of in a limbo where sometimes there's confusion, and it's okay. And there's sensations and it's okay. And then there's times when there's confusion and resistance and fear and it's unpleasant and neurotic.

So yeah, I'm not really sure what's going on right now or where it's headed - I don't think permanent bliss is the 'way', but then again thinking doesn't factor into anything much of what goes on.

A bonus is how fortunate I've been to be able to see society functioning in a whole new light of clarity - and I've found the work of incredible philosophers who explain it in such a vivid way highly relatable. The blanket has been lifted.

Anyway... I've found this to be enough of a 'sticking point' to be worth posting at this time, and I'm interested to hear the responses.

Right now, it's like... There's no 'mind' required to really be doing... well, anything, sometimes.

The best example I can put down is this: When you try a new skill or activity, it's the mind that says 'this will be hard' and builds 'barriers of entry' that either sets the challenge too difficult to attempt, or such that it requires thousands of hours of practice to learn and eventually master. Meanwhile through those thousands of hours, thinking becomes unnecessary as the activity just becomes a flow, much like an uninhibited dance, uninhibited painting or uninhibited guitar shred.

RE: Sensations, experimentation, explosions etc
Answer
10/9/13 12:59 PM as a reply to Gne I.
Howdy,Gne,
I don't know how much you know about this forum or what you want from it, if anything.

The bloke who started this place is Daniel Ingram and he wrote a book called 'Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha' and this site is generally here as an aid to practice leading to various levels of 'attainment'. While Buddhism is in the title and while much of the techniques discussed are based on the Teachings of Gotama the Buddha the focus is more on practice and attainment as opposed to the 'religiosity' kind of thing.

That said, Daniel's book as well as the advice of many experienced folks here might help you figure out whats going on if that's what you want.

In just about every 'mystical' tradition there are people who have traveled the psycho-spiritual paths to varying degrees and have written down the mileposts of their journeys. Some patterns begin to emerge which are independent of tradition. Here we call those descriptions "Maps".

Some of you experience mirrors some of the stages: 'vortex, orgasmic: would be A&P (the knowlege of Arising and Passing Away) and then the fear, terror are also the names of the stages which follow that big cool one.

So, give it a read, its available on line or as a paper thingy, and take the warnings seriously.

cheers ,
tom

RE: Sensations, experimentation, explosions etc
Answer
10/12/13 11:14 PM as a reply to Gne I.
Gne I:
A few more months passed of continual searching, and then one evening, I happened to yawn - and whilst yawning, I noticed a very slight euphoric feeling.


Instead of yawning, bring the chin towards your chest (with your mouth closed) and notice what feeling it brings. Notice any change in temperature of the breath.

RE: Sensations, experimentation, explosions etc
Answer
10/13/13 12:50 PM as a reply to Gne I.
Yo

I found very similarities reading about your experiences and it feels we are on some sort of similar stage at the moment!

Maybe you would get enriched somehow by reading mine: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4617956