Since you say that you expect that formulating it correctly will help in all sorts of magickal ways, I think you might want to rephrase #1.4, at least the title: "I want the psychedelic baseline". In that very paragraph you say that you actually don't want the psychedelic baseline, you just want some of the aspects of those experiences. Maybe you should think a bit more about what exactly those aspects are and then list them out as such, instead of leaving it vague as it is now.

As to #1.2, I think there's a difference between every-day, absorbed-in-a-task concentration, and the concentration that leads to jhanas and siddhis and such. I don't think the latter necessarily leads to the former. In fact, I've found that high quantities of the latter can actually hinder the former, e.g. there were times that I could readily access jhanas whenever I wanted and had a high baseline concentration level, but I found it impossible to program because I couldn't shift my attention to it. Something to think about.

As to #2.2."Buying into some metaphysical narrative", there seems to be a [potential] pitfall here in [how] you decide to label [something as] "metaphysical". Maybe you have a preconceived notion or bias as to what is metaphysical and not, which leads you to label certain things as "metaphysical narratives" and then discarding them, yet the combination of things that then remain that you don't label as metaphysical might very well be a metaphysical narrative, just one you don't recognize as such.

Hope that helps. In any case, good luck!

Cool of you to post this, thanks.

I notice there's nothing here about wanting to help others. I think a common motivation is to find release for oneself and to be able to help others find that same release later on. I think that's pretty wholesome.

Also, one motivation I often have is a desire to understand how the mind works. I've found that to be very helpful. It's hard to fix a machine when you don't know how it works. And sometimes the understanding itself is enough.

Regarding concentration, my experience has been like Claudiu's -- I haven't found meditation to help so much. Usually concentration in daily life arises when there is some strong motivation to concentrate, like interest in what I'm doing, or a deadline. On the other hand, distractions tend be cravings for sense pleasures, so maybe by reducing craving for sense pleasures or impulsivity, one will have better concentration.

I also notice that the text in section 1.1 is unclear -- what's the "event" you're referring to? You might briefly describe that.

If you want to either buy into the drama or switch it off completely, you might be missing a beautiful aspect of the middle way: being able to celebrate and use narrative joyfully and creatively, without having to suffer under its weight. Is the difference between this and being "in limbo" intrinsic or narrative dependent?

Hi Bruno,

First, thanks for your work on your own mind and what you put into action based on that.



Chris G.
I want to support this emphatically.

Chris mentioned this to me this summer--- just to make sure to give something needed to someone else before eating everyday or share. It's an amazing and simple practice, though sometimes it happens after I eat. I wrote "someone" to convey "any living being".


I know you know the following, Bruno, but I'm adding it to your post because I do think it's key and there are other readers out there and it helps when we share the obvious, not because any one of us is ignorant of the obvious.

Meditation is not going to change the reality we humans are creating/experiencing on the planet except when meditation leans on three pillars:


Morality

Concentration

Wisdom



The meditation can be part of changing my/your/our ability to take on what we've created -- the "How we act" -- and learning
"What is wholesome human conduct?",
"What is sense-restraint and why?"
"What is addiction?" (After some meditation, addiction seems pervasive, myself included : )
"What is peaceful?"

Otherwise, in ignorantly following sense-desires without awareness and study we can just make it that much harder for humanly wholesome wisdom to arise and a human will not so easily get the benefits of meditation, but rather something like temporary escapism.

I think of how hard it is to meditate when we, too, have no food or jobs and we lack health/healthy conditions.

So it's altruistic (benefits our practice) to stay closely in touch with "hardcore" practical morality movement.

Meditation and morality and wholesome intelligence/wisdom are all symbiotic and supportive. None of these can be neglected.
Anyway, it supports facing actuality well ;) (studying/education like you and several other PhDs and students here is also a form of concentration training that I think contributes to the foundation of meditation; I am personally happy that sharpened minds would turn to meditations founded in well-being)

So best wishes on your retreat!



____
There are links in there, but any reader, pick your own. It's just to underline that useful meditation does not happen without those three aspects: morality, concentration, wisdom.

I'm not sure what problems you are referring to but the only way meditation will help you solve problems is to use it to face ruminations about what you don't like and then you have to take conventional action to deal with it. If there's no way to deal with it then it has to be accepted. If aversion is a problem then staying with the body (vedana) and watch the aversiveness fall away on it's own will give you the relief to take action. Hunt for things that cause aversion just so you can practice waiting for aversion to fall and then act. You do this long enough (a month or so) and new habits can be created.

Make a list of mental patterns that are repetitive that keep causing you problems. Be ready at the beginning of the day knowing that the old habit of thinking about such and such problem is likely to happen. You can interrupt it right away and get back to practice. Just being aware of how repetitive these problems are can create a healthy aversion to following the same neurological waterslide. I like Thanissaro's description (Cutting New Paths in the Mind) of a worn out habit path with no grass or trees where there is a pit with spikes at the end you keep falling into. It sounds funny like some deranged person hurting themselves over and over again but that kind of disgust can make you let go of those familiar narratives.



Insight practice reduces addictiveness which should improve your concentration. Daniel's explanation of Nirodha Samapatti as being a huge help for studying for a crazy exam shows that typical concentration blocks thoughts too much but insight allows them because if there's less addictiveness and aversion there should be less distraction. Being in a jhana reduced stress before an exam but reviewing study materials often enough so they became automatic was more important. Just relaxing the muscles and relaxing the thoughts before work and during distractions is often enough. Anything else will just eat up processing power needed for work (unless you do manual labour).



Insight practice again (especially really targeted noting) will be the key. Concentration just represses things but insight practice gets you release it but also have a different relationship to it. It's shown in brain scans that mindfulness regulates the right amygdala for emotions and metta practice can increase reactivity (in a good way). Concentration and metta should be used as a practice to stabilize you while doing the insight practice. It's like a parking lot to rest in when the vibrations get a little too much.



This is about as close as I can think to what you're talking about:

Integrated Daniel - My experiments in Actualism



To avoid the above you need to add these practices to daily life and look at it as just as important as a retreat. The retreat simply removes the typical distractions and allows focus on one task which is depth of practice, but since daily life, when you come back from the retreat, will still have distractions I think there is no better place to practice than your usual life where you are making important life altering choices.

For narratives you should just note the types of narratives that are appearing. I would also recommend looking at mind states. Thoughts and perceptions clue you into the type of mind states you're in. Without noting mind states it's easy to get off track rather quickly.

Here's a great talk, yes again from Rob Burbea, that sums it up well:

Instructions on mindfulness of mind states

If you are worried about losing interest in everything but meditation then you have to look at what interest is. Interest is paying attention to pleasant or interesting details long enough for the brain to develop interest. Dopamine is huge part of that. Curiosity about new things and developing new skills can be sources of dopamine. Doing things you are already good at and are bored of won't do it. As long as you keep including activities in your life you should be okay.

If you want to be balanced you need to relax the body and face as much as needed and sometimes doing a Shikantaza practice instead of noting will relax the tension (meaning a bare awareness without word labels). If there's too little tension then resuming noting again should reduce clinging.

To be interested in other people you don't need a metta practice as much as practicing a thought process of imagining yourself in someone else's shoes. If at work people take some time to think about what a person may be going through and imagine their frustrations and problems. It reminds me that what problems I have can be quite similar to others. When I think about another person's problems I'm not thinking about mine (key point!). As others have said before, doing things for others helps. Though I maintain that bettering yourself and making yourself more functional will mean you have more of yourself to give.

Consistent mindfulness is still the gold standard. Whenever mindfulness weakens old mental habits re-engage. Whatever meditation problems I have often have to do with something I'm not noticing until after it's happened.

The rest I've seen you mention before has to do with exercise, good sleep and diet.

Good luck on the retreat!

Intimacy and new romance brings pleasure. Pleasure makes concentration very easy. Goal achieved in the quickest most pain-free way possible. That's why people everywhere do this instead of meditating. It's faster, more reliable, more powerful and more natural.

New romance turns to love if you work at it. There's your emotional balance. Done. That's why people all over the world fall in love instead of meditating. It's faster, more reliable, more powerful and more natural.

Family and friends do not count as deep intimacy. Have you got the skill to develop a stable, lasting and truly intimate relationship? A core skill is to be able to open yourself fully to another without feeling overly exposed and vulnerable. Can you do that? If not, the relationship will lack in depth and intimacy and love won't develop so you will never feel safe or comfortable. You'll come to think of relationships as "sex + friendship".

If freedom from duality is a goal then meditation is your tool of choice. But you want to be happy and relaxed - that's different.

I know your answer: you will say "CCC, I have been in relationships and still unhappy!!" But what sort of relationship is that? A non-relationship. A useless relationship that gave you only a smidgen of what you needed. Not all relationships are equal, by any measure. Then you will say "I know people who have been married for 30 years and are unhappy". And I will say so what? They have a dead relationship too. What about those who developed real love and found that sense of safety and comfort you long for? You will say "I don't want to be dependent on someone else for my happiness". But you are human, don't forget. Humans need intimacy or they go off the rails. Don't pretend you're some sort of super-human who is above all that relationship business. You're just like everyone else and you need your self validated if you're to be happy.

Wanting to be a nicer person to be around is a big one for me.

Thank you for your replies.

I have addressed some of your concerns by changing the text. I understand the most voiced criticism that there is little in it about others. Thank you for bringing that up.

There is a reason why that happens. I have had phases during my path when I thought of and promoted it as something that would make the world a better place. Coincidentally, that was also one of the most selfish periods in my life ever, and there was a whole "us meditators saving the world" thing going on back then which was totally egocentric and self-congratulatory. The association stuck, and I am not sure I will ever be able to think of myself as "wanting to help others by meditating" without strong suspicion of narcisistic overtones.

I have heard highly accomplished practitioners say that them being at peace is also really good for others, but I am somewhat suspicious of such an assessment comming from someone who has essentially devoted their life to meditation, and has their own meaning-of-life narrative wrapped up around that. Furthermore, I have heard stories of people who, from a subjective experience of peace and innocence, or of universal love and unconditional happiness, have acted in very selfish, self-serving ways (the guruphiliac blog is a great source for these).

At best, even if I am capable of having a "helping others" mentality without my typical self-serving holier-than-them pitfalls, the idea that "me meditating will help other people" seems overly optimistic, and lacking in evidence.

My most honest assessment is that I am not doing this for others, that I am doing it for myself. Partly out of compulsion --- I have tried to stop meditating, and failed to do so --- and partly due to a sincere desire for my own well being --- as evidenced by my willingness to exercise, change my diet, keep good sleeping habbits, etc.

I will already consider it a non-trivial achievement if my parents don't get too worried about my meditation retreat, and if I remain normal and sane enough so as not to creep out my friends with my non-standard choices. From what I can gauge of their comments and concerns regarding this retreat, avoiding these things will take some care on my part. My fondest hope is that by taking whatever path I am taking, I will find personal satisfaction without hurting others in the process.

This spirit of not-hurting-others was already present in the first version of the text (it was the first item among the things I don't want to happen), but I agree that it was not emphasized enough, nor detailed enough, and that it nonetheless is an intention about which I feel very strongly. I have emphasized this more in the text below, but I will develop it even further in forthcomming revisions (especially section 3, formerly section 2, needs more detail).

Claudiu: I have changed the text according to the first two of your objections. As for the metaphysical part, I mean it in the general "highly abstract" sense (dictionary says: "(a) concerned with abstract thought or subjects, as existence, causality, or truth; (b) concerned with first principles and ultimate grounds, as being, time, or substance; (c) imaginary or fanciful." that's pretty much the conceptual cloud I was thinking of).

I suspect you may have interpreted it in the less usual "beyond the realm of the senses" meaning. What I actually mean is: I don't want to fall into narratives like "Oh, THIS is the meaning of life!" or "Oh, so we are all one with the source" or some other very-pleasurable, abstract-yet-pointless narrative. If your objection still stands, which it well might, please explain it more clearly, so that I may understand it better.

Chris: with regards to understanding myself better, I have changed the text to reflect that. Ultimately I am more concerned with understanding skillfulness; I have also updated the text to reflect this.

Claudiu and Chris: With regards to the different kinds of concentration, I have changed the text to make it clearer. Also Richard mentioned mindfulness, and I was pretty much using the word concentration in a less technical way than I should have.

What I have read about mindfulness and concentration, by people who devoted quite some time into developing them, is that practicing meditation can drastically change your baseline level of these skills, in a way that is useful for your daily life. This is what I am aiming at.

Big Nothing: Heh I would say that if you can choose not to suffer under the weight of your own narrative, then you are no longer really part of it. As if there was a play happening, where no-one but you knows he is acting, no-one but you is aware that it's all just a play. The actors who don't know it is just a play live it much more intensely than you ever possibly could. You might play along and do your lines, but you are just doing lines. To them, it is all real... as in really real, not play-along real. In other words: you can't have the cake and eat it, too.

Katy, I totally agree I think that in order to act morally, and do so effectively, you have to see and feel the pain of acting imorally. I stop pursuing any given course of action (such as a sensual pleasure) only when I see for myself the disadvantages of doing so, not sooner. To decide that something is bad before seeing it with my own eyes, that would never stick... For instance, I finally stoped smoking when I could directly feel the pain that it caused to my body; those "smoking is bad for you" adds didn't do much.

Because of this, the main goal of my retreat, I have come to realize, is to develop the ability to distinguish skillful from unskillful actions. Discernment requires concentration. So I have updated my text to reflect that. As for morality... well, I don't know about that.

sawfoot_: I understand what you are saying and that is a legitimate perspective. But not one I adhere to. I was never a fan of the zen or mahayana points of view, they always felt like empty chatter to me. For me the goal of meditation is to change my mind, to improve (hopefully) the way it works. My only goal in meditation is to become more happy, to be more concentrated, be more balanced, etc. I think that these are worthwhile goals, and they are already quite ambitious.

I am no longer part of a save-the-world movement, I burned myself with that kind of thing once already, as I explained above, and so I subscribe to katty's point of view on this matter.

Also: I don't particularly think that meditating will make me a better person --- I'm sure that will depend on who you ask But I do hope it makes my life more sane and enjoyable, while hopefully not adding too many jerk-points to my already high personal score.

Richard Thank you for the practical hints. I will consider keeping a log to note repeating patterns that get in the way of the practice. I will also resort to metta if vibratory phenomena becomes unwieldy. I will also keep in mind your pointer to "note mind states" if the chatter becomes too dominating.

Hmm... as for concentration vs mindfulness, I was not using the term concentration in a very precise sense, but I definitely should have done so. I have updated that section accordingly.

Are you claiming that concentration, in the sense of mental stillness (not in the sense of sustained mental focus on a given theme, I actually think mindfulness is the correct term for that), represses psychological stuff? That is very surprising to me. I admit that I have little experience with concentration practices, but what I have read by Thanissaro Bhikkhu says that concentration is brought about by progressive refinement of experience, which results in increased sensitivity rather than dulled sensitivity. Also Leigh Brasington said, in a cheetah house interview, that the intense stillness of concentration retreats often causes psychological material to bubble up to the surface (something I had already taken note of as a preparation to avoid going nuts).



So here it is, the updated text. New parts are in red. Again, any comments are welcome. I plan to work on the text until it is good enough to print and put on the wall. Perhaps a poem version is forthcomming, for the extra magickal juice, but I'd like to have it polished before that.


1 The goal of my retreat is to develop discernment


I want to be able to distinguish, in the most immediate and effective way possible, those actions and inclinations that bring about beneficial outcomes from those that bring about detrimental results. Distinguishing skillful from unskillful actions and inclinations: this is discernment.

I know that this ability to distinguish requires sensitivity to what is advantageous and what is not, the ability to clearly see and feel that which is important and to filter out the remaining noise. So I hope to develop concentration.

I know that concentration is the fruit of a well-established attention to what is going on, the ability to stay with experience with consistency and singleness of purpose. So I hope to develop mindfulness.

I know that mindfulness is brought about with repeated and unwavering effort, the practical knowledge of how to use my bodily and mental resources on the task at hand. So I hope to develop persistence.

I know that persistence is founded on conviction, for there is no harduous task that can be successfully accomplished without anticipating the benefit to be had in accomplishing it. And so I hope to keep in my mind, clear and well-remembered, my motives and intentions.


2 These are my Motives and Intentions


1.1 I feel that something is left unsolved.
My depression has triggered a feeling of existential angst, as if something is amiss. This was not there before. This actively taints and corrupts my well-being and joi-de-vivre, and I want to fix it.

From whichever perspective I take, it seems to me that something has changed drastically, and that the switch is irreversible. It is as if I have seen something about how the mind works, that I didn't see before. Then the question remains: what to do about it?

There seem to be two possibilities: do nothing, letting the process progress at whichever pace it chooses, or meditate hence accelerating the process. I chose to meditate. On one hand, I hate living in this limbo, this no-man's-land when I am neither oblivious to the problem nor have I addressed it in any way.

I choose to meditate in the hope that I can further understand how my mind works, and that this will help me resolve my existential angst, so that I can then live the rest of my life focused on other things.

1.2 I want to have more mindfulness and concentration
Throughout the last few years, my mindfulness --- the ability of my mind to stay with a chosen theme --- and my concentration --- the sensitivity of my mind, its ability to stay silent and unperturbed --- have varied a lot. Because of these ups and downs, I have come to realize the value of these two mental faculties. Life is more fun during the periods I can stick with what I am doing without distractions. I am happier and more productive during these periods. So I want to have more mindfulness and concentration.

These skills, for me, are not an end in themselves, but rather a particularly valuable tool which can be used for other purposes. As such, I want to develop them in a way that allows me to apply them to other activities.

I came to believe that meditation can help me establish reliable (even flawless) mindfulness and concentration, both as on-demand skills, and as an ongoing baseline. I want both of these skills for my life, and hence I will meditate in order to develop them.

1.3 I want emotional and energetic balance
Throughout the last few years, my mood has had had great swings, and my energetic system has alternated between states of great dullness and overstimulation.

I have seen the disadvantages of both depression and euphoria, and I would rather be free of both. I want to live in a balanced way, that allows me to be happy but not frenetic, engaged but not obsessed, acknowledging of pain but not utterly incapacitated by it. I want to be free of energetic blockages and conductive of nerve signals, but not electrocuted by my own energy; I want my mind to be open and free but not spaced out or distant.

I came to believe that meditation can solve my energetic imbalances, and lead me to a reliable source of happiness, both as an on-demand quick fix (as in jhana), and as an ongoing baseline of peace and balance. I want this for my life, and hence I will meditate.

1.4 I want to bring some aspects of psychedelic experiences into my daily life
Psychedelic experiences clearly stand out as a pointer to how fascinating and engaging life can be. Certain aspects of these experiences, such as the openness of mind, the fascination with experience, the brightness and beauty of perception, are really great, and would make my life much more fun, provided they can be present in a sustainable, balanced way.

I came to believe that meditation can bring these aspects to the fore in such a way. Hence I will meditate, in the hope of such realization.




3 These are the things I don't want
Here is a list of things I don't want. For each such example, I know of someone who has succumbed to it. May I be protected from these things.

• To cause grief or burden my friends and family. Including, but not limited to:
  
  • Becoming disengaged from or disinterested in or indifferent to these people.
  • Valuing my own meditative attainment more than the well-being of these people.
  • Having a mind so specialized and disconnected from common-sense view, that I can no longer participate properly in their way of life.
• Go mad, including but not limited to:
  
  • Buying into some metaphysical narrative.
  • Buying into some prophetic narrative.
  • Not being able to focus in a functional, context-dependent way.
  • Loosing interest in everything except meditation.
• Become energetically unbalanced, as in frying my nerves with excessive energy. I want to be balanced and stable as much as possible all the way, so that my retreat is as consistent and consistently successful as possible.
• I don't think that living in a permanent LSD trip is neither possible nor desireable. I would like to avoid the aspect of very-high almost-fever-like energy, as I don't consider it sustainable or beneficial, and the inconvenient loss of executive functioning, which would prevent me from doing many every-day tasks.

I felt the same thing before, this angst manifested as a chest pain that was unbearable, it propelled me forward, there is a day when it goes away. But that must be taken on faith.



What are you about to do is really difficult.



You will never have more concentration, mind is ever a fluxing.



Emotional balance is not possible, the emotions are ever in flux.



Not possible or good, this smacks of escapism.



In the months after the disappearance of my chest pain, and thus my existential angst and depression I experimented with actualism. I often times fried my nerves by contemplating the infinitude of the universe, it's basically a very intense altered state of consciousness.

It is possible to consummate the angst you experience and experience directly: viraga (fading away), cessation (nirodha) and peace (nibbana).

The theme that I contemplated frequently was: appamada, diligence, and exertion. I built up an intensity of energy, post-event I was unable to function and suffered from several symptoms of mania, I was a wreck. Briefly (several months after), I contemplated the theme of balance, order and equilibrium.

That's more or less gone, and so, not to sound lame: it takes adjustment.

Regards,

James

There are some things I would like to point out, the following are sound postulates:

1) There is no 'event', in the sense that there is a 'single moment', wherein your suffering will disappear. Rather it occurs in a stream, a gradation, on a gradual continuum. This is a 'sudden jump' fallacy.

But the above logical postulate will have you run into some problems if you cling to it too tightly.

2) There is no 'end', meaning that post 'event', you will still continue to function, be alive and be responsible for your actions. You will still be here. Till the end of your life span. It is thus necessary to be mindful and conscientious. This is an annihilation fallacy.

Nothing 'ends', phenomena will rise and fall.

There are some interesting delusions that are eliminated post-event, but they are quite numerous, it is not possible to name them all, but you will find that their absence is peaceful.

Here is a beta version of the poems I wrote, and will eventually print down and probably read every day, during my retreat.

Conviction
or Why I am a seeker

I have seen the restlessness in me,
Creeping up, persistently,
As mental noise screeches inside
'Till there is nothing I can abide —
It's a mysterious, itching insanity,
And it won't leave me be!

I have seen my mind sway
Back and forth, I have no say
In how it dambles and tosses about.
As if I had wrecklessly sold out
For a dreamy, anxious fray,
My ability to play.

I have seen my heart light up in fire
Fueled by the thrill of cacophonous desire,
Only to plummet the very next day
Into a dark and miserable disarray:
Naught but ashes left in the pyre,
Naught but sorrow due to my lyre.

I have seen, also, with a sparkling eye
A precious beauty beneath the sky.
With a gaze so open and refined,
So fascinated, multicolored, bright and wide,
That there's no tedium, disinterest, or sigh,
For everything is worth the try.

Intention
or What I plan to do about it

I will meditate:
That I may be free from restlessness.
That I may be free from distraction.
That I may find health and balance.
That I may gain my sparkling eye.

Remembering my motives,
My conviction will grow strong,
And I will keep the four determinations:
I will be heedful of discernment,
I will preserve truth,
I will develop relinquishment,
And I will train for peace.

Supported in my conviction,
I will grow steadfast and persistent,
By working with the body and the mind
I will find the energy and spirit to apply myself,
And maintain myself on the path.

By maintaining myself thus,
I will learn the skill of mindfulness,
I will learn how to keep my mind within a chosen theme
So that I can fully aprehend it, and thus fully comprehend it.

Being mindful of the body, the feelings, the mental states and qualities,
I will attain great concentration,
My mind will become pliable, silent and sensitive,
It will attain great signal-to-noise ratio,
And be balanced and at ease: a pleasant abiding.

From the resulting sensitivity,
I will learn to distinguish what is skillful from what is unskillful,
Both at the mundane level of everyday bodily, mental and verbal actions,
And at the noble, refined level of the minute workings of the mind.

And due to such noble discernment,
I will act skillfully, and attain what is worthwhile,
And I won't act unskillfully, thus avoiding that which is not worthwhile.

My meditation will thus lead me to inner happiness.
And it will do so while avoiding any harm, to myself or others.

Protection
or On avoiding harm

No grief or burden will this enterprise bestow
On my dear friends and loving family,
Their well-being I won't carelessly forgo
In exchange for inner peace and harmony,
Nor will any ensuant condition or mental state
Any distance, disinterest or disconnect create.

My mind will stay well-grounded and sane
And won't be tempted by no false narrative
Be it abstract or magical, grand or mundane.
Balanced and stable, healthy and active,
Will stay my energy, nerves and brain.
Interested, functional and attentive,
Engaged in life, I will remain.

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