Hi DhO Friends,

I've been practicing on and off for a number of years, and in the last week or so have become interested again in concentration practice. So I thought I would start a practice log and see if I can finally develop some real skill in this area.

Goals: I would like to develop a very calm, quiet, yet fully aware mind, in the sense of Kamalashila’s map.

My thought is that, by subduing extraneous mental processes and learning to direct my attention properly, this will give my mind the opportunity to see and comprehend reality in a clearer way, without the distorting lens of self-referential, feeling-fed thoughts and beliefs. When a calm, quiet, clear & aware mind is directed toward reality, "insight" arises. Or really, insight is just seeing the world with such a mind.

I would also like the ability to give rest to the mind in a profound way.

I am not particularly interested in jhanic states at present, but more interested mastering basic concentration skills: calmness & quietude, rest, stability of attention, full awareness. Meditative joy is also appealing. I’m currently inspired by Culadasa’s notes (see his Plain English handouts), which are based on Kamalashila’s map of the stages of concentration. (I’ve read on DhO that Alan Wallace’s book The Attention Revolution is also based on this map, but I haven’t read it.)

Methods: My overarching method is to simultaneously calm the mind and train present-moment attention through nonjudgemental observation of a primary object (the breath). I am experimenting with a set of instructions based on readings and on my own observations of how my mind functions.

I'm not one for blindly following instructions, so simultaneously with this practice I try to understand how my mind works: what mental processes and states exist, how long do they tend to last, what tools are available for modifying them & training the mind. It’s genuinely interesting to me to approach it in this way. So this whole thing is an experiment. I have a set of notes on this which I may post to DhO if I ever really gain some skill at this practice.


Here are my current set of instructions to myself (subject to change):

(1) Stretch the body out a bit, to help make the sitting posture healthy and comfortable (in particular, to make it easier to keep one’s back straight), and also bring the mind into the present.

(2) For a few minutes, sit and observe the mind. Notice what content is in the mind, how calm or agitated it is, what emotions might be active, what ideas it might be grasping at presently. Label and categorize the content coming up now: “Imagining conversations”, “playing music”, “disliking something”, “anticipating events”, etc. Get a clear idea of one’s current mental state.

(3) Set the intention of the practice. Recall what stage of meditation you’ve been working with, what difficulties you’ve encountered recently, and what you need to work on today. Currently, for me there are two intentions: (a) to put down all this mental content and enjoy calming the mind, and (b) to continuously observe the present-moment reality of the breath, calmly and nonjudgementally, for the entire duration of the session.

(3) Bring attention to reality as it is now for a few minutes: the body, breath, the room, sounds. Eyes can be open or closed. Establish attention in the present as opposed to in mental content and allow the mind to settle down a bit.

(4) Closing the eyes, bring attention to the physical sensations associated with breathing. Do not intentionally breath in any particular way, but instead allow the breathing to happen naturally on its own. Begin with the breath at a gross level (wherever breathing is felt — abdomen, chest, throat, nasal passages etc.). Count breaths from one to ten and ten to one a few times. During this counting, as the breath sensations become clearer, narrow one’s attention to the area below the nostrils and above the upper lip. When counting begins to interfere with continuous attention to the breath, stop counting. Observe the breath nonjudgementally, putting aside likes and dislikes.

(5) Finally, practice observing the sensations of the breath, in the present moment, continuously and non-judgementally. Do this without desiring to change anything, letting go of likes and dislikes. To the extent possible, let the object be one's entire field of awareness, one's entire universe.

(6) When distractions arise (e.g., the attention becomes lost in mental content), follow the instructions for dealing with distractions below.

This entire set of starting instructions (1)-(4) only takes a few minutes to execute. But I find sometimes during the session it’s useful to go back to them: if the attention is really getting drawn into mental content, a larger, easier target like the entire breath or all of present-moment reality (even with eyes open) can be useful to practice with. The breath at the entrance to the nostrils (or below the nostrils and above the upper lip) tends to be very subtle for me. The more subtle object can be returned to once the mind is better established in paying attention to the grosser object.


When distractions arise, I have these general instructions to follow:

(1) Notice when the attention has wandered. If the distraction was mental in nature, notice what the mental content was. Optionally, thank your mind for becoming aware of this.

(2) Accept the distraction — do not try to get rid of it. If there is an impulse to suppress it, one can instead intentionally experience it fully, even engage in it very briefly, to avoid this impulse.

(3) Relax the mind and body just a bit. Often there is some excitement, tension or agitation associated with distractions. Notice any pleasantness associated with this relaxation.

(4) Gently return the mind to the primary object of attention, without suppressing or fighting anything. Exercise discipline by not indulging in any extraneous thoughts or other mental activity, but instead attending to present-moment reality.

(5) Practice observing the object of attention, in the present moment, continuously and non-judgementally. Do this without desiring to change anything, letting go of likes and dislikes. To the extent possible, let the object be one's entire field of awareness, one's entire universe.

The most essential steps are (2), (4) and (5). Noticing (step (1)) often occurs automatically, so it may be that no effort needs to be put into that. Relaxing (step (3)) can can sometimes be redundant with acceptance (step (2)). So the essential features are to accept, return, and continue observing. In particular, as distractions become more subtle, and the attention is captured only for very short periods of time (less than a single in-breath or out-breath), this set of instructions can itself become a distraction. At that point, just accepting the distraction and continuing with the observation may be more appropriate.


A few additional notes to myself:

In addition to one's focus of attention, there is the underlying mental state. When the mind is tranquil, few extraneous thoughts tend to arise. When the mind is agitated, thoughts, feelings, and impulses arise constantly, sometimes spontaneously and sometimes in long chains. Such mental states are often persistent and do not change immediately.

So, do not despair that the mind is not calm. There is no simple mental action you can use to calm the mental state. Instead, focus on practicing correctly, and the results will unfold on their own.

There are a handful of consciously available mental tools that can be used to manipulate one's mental state. These include objective observation, imagination, intention, attention, and relaxation. Physical factors such as exercise, sleep, and nutrition also affect the mental state. But once you are seated in meditation, the mental tools are most important.


Anyway, I hope to keep this practice log going until I gain some significant skill in this practice. If you've read all this, thanks for your attention and encouragement!

Howdy Chris G. and welcome!
Your first post is clear and pretty formal. It looks like you've got a plan and a goal. I would have a hard time trying to meditate and keep all of thos intructions in mind but we all have our strengths and weaknesses and are our own best teachers.

I haven't yet read any of the pieces by the teacher you mentioned but already see some interesting fodder for philosophical discussion.

I have seen various teachings and teachers who are of the opinion that "all attainments flow from jhana" and personally find that a little too doctrinaire and simplistic. i write that because it seems to be your chosen approach: am i wrong?

I look forward to your postings and wish you good luck.

tom

Today's sit (40 minutes):

My initial mental state was a little agitated. Recently I've had mice in my apartment, and my landlord placed some traps around my kitchen. One was caught and killed last night. This bothered me quite a bit -- feelings of remorse -- as I actually asked him to place the traps, having read on the Internet that mice can carry some deadly diseases. Some thoughts arose that I would never be able to gain skill in meditation because of this. Still, some feelings of care for that mouse were also there. It's a sad situation to me.

At some point, however, I got the distinct impression that the spirit of that mouse forgave me. This was associated with some pleasant sensations in the right half of the body. After this, the agitation associated with this went away. There are still traps in my kitchen, by the way. No thoughts about the mouse for the rest of the sit.

Additionally, some mental content about the DhO: imagining posting on the DhO, imagining others' responses, etc. Also there was some music going through my head. (I've been playing Mario Kart ...)


Paying attention to the present: I find this is a little uncomfortable. I have to exercise discipline and a bit of force to not indulge in mental content, and the underlying impulse to indulge creates some uncomfortable sensations in the head.

Paying attention to the breath, this discomfort seemed to calm down, if I recall correctly. I counted breaths from 1 to 10 and back a few times.

For the majority of the sit: Eyes closed, the mind is somewhat relaxed, but with dreamlike mental content continually streaming in and overtaking my attention. (At some point I hugged a frog.) It only overtakes my attention for brief periods of time (one breath or less), but it's a struggle to keep my attention on the object. I switched to full eyes-open awareness and back to breath meditation a few times to try to better establish attention in the present. A few times, I intentionally noticed and labeled what content was in the mind, going through my instructions on dealing with distractions.

The main tool I think I need to use at this point is just continuous attention to the object in the present. Will see what happens next time.

Hey Tom! Thanks for your response!

I don't know if I would say that all attainments flow from jhana. The way I think of it is that this is just one approach, and one that I happen to be interested in at the moment. There's a clear theory behind it which makes sense to me, and there's a clear map (Kamalashila's), so it seems appealing. I've had a number of non-jhana-based shifts and insights as a result of practice in the past, so I'm not too dogmatic about it.

Yeah the instructions for dealing with distractions are a little much, and I think as the mind calms down they need to be simplified, otherwise the instructions themselves become a distraction. Still, other teachers recommend similar things, e.g. Bhante Vimalaramsi and his "6R"s.

Cheers,
Chris

Evening sit (1hr)

Regarding the breath, for the first ~40 mins or so, I mainly focused on the anywhere the breath was felt -- the abdomen & chest areas were so prominent that it was impossible not to. Later, it became much easier to focus at the "anapana spot" (just below the nostrils) for some unknown reason, so I switched to that area.

Regarding the mind: constant stream of thoughts through the entire session. I didn't really ever forget that I was practicing, but my mind just seems to enjoy thinking so much that it constantly wants to engage in it. Thoughts are mainly about the practice and about posting this note on DhO ...

Eventually it occurred to me that now is the time to focus on continuity of attention rather than exclusivity of attention: allow the thoughts to be there, but try to always keep the object in awareness simultaneously with the thoughts. So the last ~10 minutes were marked by quite a lot of effort to do this. It's uncomfortable, but I could successfully keep the object within my awareness for ~80-90% of each breath if I really focused on this. Rather than going through the long sequence of instructions above regarding distractions, the exercise is more like: as soon as you notice your mind is not on the breath, immediately bring it back to the breath and really keep it there as continuously as possible. That seemed like the right thing to do, especially because I was able to do it without suppressing anything / fighting with the distractions.

The flip side to it is by not doing this, I was probably just feeding the pleasant thought processes and conditioning them to continue, like I do during so much of my day-to-day life ..

More practice:

- I believe I'm working through stage 3 of Culadasa's "Light on Meditation" handout.

- Continuity of attention is a bit easier, being sustained for 1-2 breaths at times, without interrupting distractions. That is to say, without completely losing awareness of the breath, even very briefly. My intention here is to attend continuously to the breath, while allowing distractions to be simultaneously present in the mind.

- Some facial twitching

- I think the instructions for dealing with distractions I have above are fine, they just need to be applied only when the mind really becomes distracted -- that is, completely loses focus on the object for a noticeable period of time. In fact, they are becoming quicker to apply, although still require some conscious recollection on my part.

- I'm periodically reminding myself to observe non-judgementally. This tends to have a calming effect on the mind (the breath becomes more relaxed).

- Also trying to use some positive reinforcement to encourage the mind to attend continuously to the object. ("Good job", "thank you", etc. :-)

UPDATE:

More practice today. Continuity of attention has become better even since this morning, extending for several breaths at a time when I really put in the effort to keep the breath within my awareness. This is tiring, so my sits are not that long (40 mins each generally).

Note that there are a few different concepts that are relevant to my practice at this time:

continuity of attention: When the object stays within awareness continuously (moment-by-moment) over some period of time

interruptions of attention: When awareness of the object is lost, even very briefly (e.g. a fraction of a second)

gross distractions: Objects that displace the breath as the primary object of attention, while allowing the breath to stay in awareness, just not as the primary object

subtle distractions: "Background noise" - sensations, thoughts, sounds, etc. that are perceived, but don't displace the breath as the primary object of attention.

At this point I'm primarily trying to avoid interruptions of attention. But I find that as I try to maintain continuous attention, gross distractions also subside for a few seconds at a time.

Culadasa once clarified the differences between some of these early/middle stages for me. He said:

Attention seems to be getting a little better with each sit. A little easier, and longer periods with thoughts not interrupting awareness of the breath. Longer periods too when there are apparently no gross distractions, although that isn't my goal at the moment.

I think I'm noticing "micro-gaps" in my attention to the object. When I notice these, I try to improve continuity of awareness.

I'm noticing out-breaths seem to be more difficult than in-breaths for maintaining continuous awareness. Here is where a lot of my effort is being expended.

More positive reinforcement: sometimes I'm internally saying "thank you, thank you" as awareness of the breath is maintained.

Thoughts are much less disruptive to attention.

The practice still requires a lot of effort: some shaking & clenching of stomach muscles at times as I try to maintain continuous awareness of the breath. Just like weight training, I think it will continue to get easier.

A little reluctance to sit. Inclinations to surf the web, play Mario Kart. [Anyone out there want to race? ]

Off the cushion: I've been practicing being mindful toward and grateful for all the things that benefit me in day to day life. Clothing, running water, heat, space, the soft touch of wind, sunlight, safety, a functioning mind, etc. (Thank you to Anne Cripps for this practice!) Instead of playing music in my head, I practice being mindful of sounds.

One additional note: I don't perceive the breath all that much at the area just below the nostrils and above the upper lip, so I've been paying more attention to any sensations on the skin (pulsating, touch sensations, etc.) in that area, and breath sensations whenever they're there.

Continuing to notice "micro-gaps" or "micro-interruptions" of attention to the object. Effort is required to improve continuity of awareness. A few breaths (or half-breaths) here and there where awareness is truly continuous. When that happens, the object is clearer and more vivid.

Quality of attention about the same as yesterday, but with less strenuous effort.

Inwardly thanking the mind for each sensation it successfully observes seems to improve continuity, and helps the mind focus on the object rather than the gaps in attention.

I like this technique very much, also think it helps a lot. Thank you.

Cool! Yes this seems to be the right exercise for me at this point.

Today I experienced continuous awareness of the breath for several breaths at a time here and there. A tiring sit though, wanted it to be over early.

When continuous awareness occurs, after a few breaths the mind notices: "Oh, continuous awareness!" and starts thinking about it, and that introduces some gaps.

Thinking about / looking for gaps in attention does not help. It's just extra mind-noise. Forget about the gaps, just thank the mind for each and every sensation it successfully observes.

I seem to have an option in how I apply my attention at this point. I've mentioned both of these before, but I'll contrast them now: On one hand, I can apply strenuous effort to maintain continuous awareness of the breath even in the presence of thoughts and other sensations. Alternatively, I can use positive reinforcement by simply thanking the mind for each sensation of the breath it successfully observes.

The strenuous effort feels like weight-lifting. Very tiring and difficult. I wonder though if that's more helpful, though, as it could be developing a useful faculty through all that effort.

The positive reinforcement is easier and calms the mind. It also seems (I think) to dull the mind a bit. Perhaps that could be corrected later.

Anyone have any comments regarding strenuous effort vs. positive reinforcement?

One thought is: There is only one way of paying attention to something. You direct your attention to a certain part of the body, and sensations show up. The difference is in what one does to try to keep the attention there, and maybe also what one does to try to increase the detail, vividness, etc. of what shows up.

I've been going with positive reinforcement. Actually, it reminds me of the anapanasati sutta step of "gladdening" the mind. I do notice some gladness showing up.

Much longer stretches of continuous awareness of the object (several breaths at a time), and the mind is much calmer now. The practice is becoming more pleasant and easier.

At times I had sensations in the head -- kind of an empty feeling -- making me think my brain is "turning off". But then a thought pops up, so I know this isn't the case. I think I just have to get used to the somewhat strange sensations concentration practice brings.

Practice continues at about the level of my previous entry. Some longer stretches (~10 breaths?) of continuous awareness of the breath, without even "micro-interruptions".

I notice the micro-interruptions occur when I'm thinking about or monitoring the practice too much. The "strenuous effort" version of paying attention seems to have these as a problem: Attention is too focused on the idea of paying attention, trying to keep the gaps away, rather than on the sensations themselves. Too much mental excitation.

Starting to exercise more discipline by not indulging even in thoughts about the practice (which are usually pleasant or gratifying) while I'm paying attention. This produces some mental quietude.

Trying to simplify the practice and the mind. Whenever a thought comes up, don't indulge it, but rather immediately come back to observing sensations, thanking the mind as sensations are observed.

Not too much change from my previous entry. Sits are now 50 minutes long, and I notice some restlessness toward the end. I actually checked the timer this morning at around 46:30.

Despite this I do think I'm making progress. I seem to stay in contact with the breath for the vast majority of the sit. I daresay I'm approaching stage 4 of Culadasa's notes, uninterrupted continuity of attention.

An interesting thing about sitting is that old memories always tend to pop into my mind -- often images or scenes that I haven't thought of in years. Usually they are rather innocuous, e.g., going to buy an SD card at Radio Shack several years ago.

I've been having some doubts about the practice. Is this really the best thing for me to be spending my time on? Dharma takes up a lot of time in my life, time I could spend working, volunteering, doing research, etc. Yet when I sat down today I remembered -- oh yes, I really appreciate understanding my mind and myself, and the possibility of seeing clearly just what I am. Still, this doesn't alleviate all my doubt.

A fair number of gaps in the attention this morning. I even caught my mind wandering twice, once for several breaths and again for maybe one breath. A bit less restlessness than yesterday though.

A nice instruction I heard for the warm-up: as you bring your attention into the present, being aware of the room, sounds, etc., also pay attention to any sensations that let you know you're sitting.

Not much else to report.

Very little, perhaps even negative, progress lately. Last night, mind was tired and wandering a lot -- back in stage 2. This morning, stage 3 again, attention not particularly continuous, but little mind wandering. Many thoughts, of course.

I recalled Goenka's instructions for anapana meditation: place your ENTIRE attention in the triangular area below the nostrils and above the upper lip. This seems to preclude monitoring the quality of my attention, and therefore requires letting go...

The positive reinforcement technique I was practicing seems to have lost some effectiveness.

Anyway, just trying to bring as many moments of quality attention to the practice as I can, with the hope that this will condition the mind appropriately.

Last night, mediocre concentration. This morning, confused and frustrated. Have been re-reading Culadasa's notes, finding that his instructions disagree with my own instructions to myself. So this sent my mind into some confusion about how and where I want to be watching the breath. Just below the nostrils, I can barely feel it, if at all, so I've been paying attention to sensations on the skin. Yet, I can't follow his exercises doing this (they involve identifying the beginning & end of each in-breath and out-breath), so I would need to watch the breath in the belly/chest or inside the nose (perhaps) for that. Unsure of what I want to do.

Last night -- stage 2, lots of mind wandering. Seems to be an effect of sitting after dinner?

This morning -- stage 3, very little mind wandering. Very restless for some reason, however.

Still experimenting with how & where to pay attention to the breath. I don't think where I watch it matters all that much, since the mental qualities are the same regardless. Mind-noise is still mind-noise and sustained attention is still sustained attention. Generally I start out noticing the breathing wherever I feel it, then move to the nose area later.

Currently practicing some combination of positive reinforcement and Culadasa's exercise (trying to notice the beginning & end of each in-breath and out-breath). The positive reinforcement is essentially a form of noting sensations. I think this produces a high quality of moment-to-moment attention. I am trying to do this non-verbally now.

6-hour retreat at the local Zen center today. It felt fruitful. I spent most of the time in stage 3 meditation, I believe. There was one brief period when attention really stabilized, which felt like stage 4 or 5.

Working on identifying when my attention is slackening in order to prevent gross distractions from capturing my attention and leading to interruptions. This is pretty interesting and enjoyable, watching and learning about the process by which a thought seems to well up from the mind, and as the attention to the meditation object slackens, overtakes the meditation object as the primary focus. Or something roughly like this.

Trying to learn to distinguish between gross distractions (in Culadasa's terminology) and true interruptions of attention.

Switched between attention to the entire breathing process and the breath in the nose area several times. Also switched a lot between different styles of paying attention: positive reinforcement, silent watching, descriptive verbal noting (occasionally), and trying to identify the beginning/end or beginning/middle/end of each in-breath and each out-breath. It's surprising how many ways there are of paying attention at this stage. I imagine that at higher stages there's only really one way, just silent and clear observation of what's there.

Enjoyable sit this morning. Mainly just paying attention to any and all sensations on the surface of the skin in the area near the nostrils. At one point I could clearly feel the in-breath and out-breath at the "anapana spot", the surface of the skin just below the nostrils but above the upper lip. It's very subtle.

Still trying to pay continuous attention, to not miss any sensations on a moment-to-moment basis. Concentration seems to be improving again: some periods of relative quietude in the mind and stability of attention. Thanking the mind for its awareness when I notice gross distractions / interruptions, then directing the attention back to the object and sustaining the attention, trying to be alert to the welling up of distractions and the slackening of attention.

Getting more familiar with the experience of continuous attention to the meditation object and with gross distractions. Still learning to distinguish clearly between gross distractions and true interruptions of attention. Attention mostly at the anapana spot today.

My mind seemed to get a bit tired/dull toward the end of the session, and a bit restless.

Have been practicing some walking meditation. Also it seems I can even practice maintaining attention at work. The same basic concepts apply: when I notice I've gotten distracted (say by checking email), thank the mind for noticing, and redirect myself back to my work, and keep my focus there as continuously as I can.

Sometimes this can be disorienting, however, as I find myself thinking about my concentration at the same time I'm trying to concentrate, which leaves a lot less bandwidth for actual focus on work. I think the resolution is just to ignore it and do my best to focus on work. The disorientation seems to go away shortly.

Still doing 50 minute sits. Continuity of attention pretty good. Very little mind-wandering or forgetting, but with a continuous stream of mental content.

At this point I'm trying to observe non-verbally, so when I notice some self-talk occurring, I let that go and try to observe more closely the details of the breath / anapana spot on a moment-to-moment basis.

When the stream of mental content subsides, as it does occasionally, I can feel a little "switch" into a better concentration state, which is relatively pleasant.

Some itching around the nose area, and some restlessness.

I'm no longer trying to do "positive reinforcement", as I find that's mostly verbal and difficult to do non-verbally. So I am mainly observing any sensations on a moment-to-moment basis. Effort is involved here, though I'm trying not to clench my muscles.

Continuing to gain familiarity with gross distractions, subtle distractions, continuity of attention, the internal thought-stream and effort.

Experimenting with nonverbal thinking throughout the day, especially during walking meditation. Generally, I find this to be very difficult. Internal verbalization of thoughts is a very ingrained habit. But I notice this verbalization is usually unnecessary. Typically, a thought occurs very quickly - in the space of a fraction of a second - and only afterward do I start verbalizing it in my head. E.g.: <thought of getting Ethiopian food for lunch> --> <self talk: "Maybe I'll get Ethiopian food today">. The verbalizing takes far more time and happens after the fact of the thought itself.

I'm also noticing just how automatic most thoughts are. An event occurs in the world, my senses are activated, perception occurs, a thought occurs. Eyes see, ears hear, mind thinks. By the time I perceive the thought, the process has already occurred; it's impossible to influence. But we can influence the future habits of the mind by what we do in the present.

Noticing more and more clearly the relationship between continuity of attention and distractions. When I pay attention very continuously, throughout and between each breath, throughout and between each pulsation on the skin, the thought-stream subsides. On the other hand, when distractions/thoughts are present, attention to the object seems to be less continuous.

This seems to agree with the model in Culadasa's notes, wherein attention is a series of discrete moments, and "simultaneous" attention to the object and to a distraction is actually rapid alternation of attention between the two. The more moments spent with the distraction, the "grosser" (more prominent) it is.

When attention is not super-continuous, it seems I can "simultaneously" think and pay attention to the breath.

I'm practicing sustaining super-continuous attention to the object. It's challenging to maintain vigilance against the arising of distractions by continuously monitoring of the quality of my attention. (Culadasa calls this an aspect of introspective awareness.)

Still some restlessness. In Culadasa's notes, this is to be expected at stage 4.

A lot of practice this weekend. Mostly stage 3/4 concentration.

Most recent sit, I discovered a new technique: aspiration. I said to myself, "May my attention be as continuous as is possible for my mind at this time." And *boom*, my practice lined up much better than it was in the time before I made that aspiration. Attention got more continuous, effort was at the right level, and the thought-stream quieted down (the latter as a result of the attention being more continuous). Stage 5 concentration (with some hints of stage 6), I believe.

I made some similar aspirations earlier this weekend, but with regard to insight rather than concentration. Recently I've taken on the 5 precepts in a more serious way (including a strict definition of sexual misconduct), but have encountered some difficulty. So I made an aspiration for deep insight into the precepts to arise. And, lo and behold, a deeper understanding of them arose.

This is all based on an interview with Jack Kornfield in Richard Shankman's book, The experience of Samadhi. Jack Kornfield calls them "wisdom resolutions":

Continuing to practice with aspirations. This morning, I noticed my mind somewhat absorbed in gross distractions twice, each for maybe 2 breaths, or so I guess. I'm not sure if I totally lost track of the breath those two times or maintained some semblance of awareness of it.

Practice is a little boring at the moment. Not particularly pleasant or unpleasant.

This morning, firmly in stage 4. Longer and more frequent periods when gross distraction subsides. The aspiration for continuous attention continues to work well. A little boredom and restlessness, esp. toward the end of the sit.

I think my biggest challenge really is balancing meditation with the rest of my life. 2 hours of sitting per day, plus reading this forum and re-reading Culadasa's writing on a daily basis, is a big distraction from my day job. I can't seem to be interested in both work and meditation on the same day. I hope things will balance out. Some worry about how I'm going to continue to support myself in the future. Entertaining various thoughts, like living at a dharma center for a year or longer.

The last two nights I cut my evening meditation short by about 10-15 minutes. Just a lot of agitation in the mind.

This morning, a lot of thinking going on. A few brief periods of quietude.

Yesterday: I finally took to heart Culadasa's instructions on basic walking meditation, and found them to be amazing. I felt what it was like to have mindfulness "established" in the present, more-or-less. Temporary increase in full-minded awareness. And I noticed my cravings for things like the Internet were greatly diminished. There is a wholesome, nonaddictive pleasure to be had in attending to reality in the present moment.

The challenge of the walking meditation, for me, is doing it outside. He instructs the meditator to feel free to examine anything of interest in the present moment. So for me, this means walking around the neighborhood very slowly, stopping to examine light posts, walls, people's gardens, the sidewalk, dirt, the sky, the air, the textures and colors of everything around me, anything that catches my interest. This presents a strong challenge in the form of self-consciousness, thinking others will think I'm crazy if they see me, that people might call the cops if they see me examining their garden, etc.. So there is a lot of resistance here. But it's such a fulfilling exercise. Maybe I should just accept my new role as the crazy person in town.

On another note, a new motivation for my practice: overcoming addiction and aversion. The Buddha talked about the "gratification, the danger, and the escape in the case of sensual pleasures". I'm beginning to think mindfulness is a very strong antidote to addiction. And I can see that breath meditation can play a role in overcoming the mind's addictive tendencies. Each moment, when the mind indulges in thinking on the cushion, it's engaging its addictive tendencies. In breath meditation, a major goal is then to overcome this tendency by finding the pleasure of attention to the present. In contrast to the walking meditation, breath meditation brings me up close and personal with all the very subtle thinking and indulging processes that the mind engages in.

Regarding aversion, it seems I have a constant "bracing against life"; a constant aversion toward either real or imagined scenarios, manifesting as unpleasant sensations in my body, esp. the head and face. And the same solution seems to be involved: attending to the present, mindfully and nonjudgementally, and finding the wholesome enjoyment that's to be had there.

Thanks to Katy for bringing these ideas (esp. regarding addiction) to my attention in past conversations.

(Edited to add discussion of aversion in addition to addiction.)

Trying to incorporate some timed walking meditation into my daily routine now. Yesterday, 10 minutes. Will increase this over time. I like this part of the practice, but when I'm in my habitual aversive / indulgent mind-state, I find it difficult to start, to pull myself away from my addictions and into the discomfort of the present.

I skipped my evening meditation last night, taking some advice to go to bed.

This morning, a lot of thinking, no real change from yesterday. I'm finding some resistance to sitting. It's not particularly pleasant, and effort is required. And I don't seem to really have the energy to put in much effort.


Continuing the theme of motivation for practice: I can add overcoming delusion to the list of motivations. That is, I would like to be able to see the world with clarity, understanding what I am, the nature of the world and myself, without the distorting lens of feeling-fed, self-referential thoughts and assumptions.

So I have overcoming addiction (one could call this greed), aversion, and delusion. Hmm, where have I heard that before?

Mind calmer today than it was yesterday. Still in stage 4. For a brief period, meditation was pleasant. Overall, though, still feels like a bit of a chore.

Last night: strange experience with the spirit of an animal (a gorilla) wanting to incarnate itself into my body. It seemed to recognize I have a soft heart, and wanted to take advantage of that. I had to push it away, which didn't feel good, sending it off to who-knows-where. Not a desired or pleasant experience -- even dangerous. I'm not sure if I imagined this. Afterward, I wasn't sure if I should continue my practice. But I took refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha and decided to continue, with some wariness.

I had another experience some time ago with an image that seemed to come from another place and possibly time, involving people I don't know. I couldn't fully make it out, as the field of view was cut off. It was associated with some sensations in the left half of my body. If I recall, there was a child, and a parent, and some sort of large table-like thing in bubble wrap ... it just had a much different feel than the images that come from my own experience and memory. Seemed to come to me from a different place.

Conclusion: concentration is serious stuff. Not sure if I would recommend it to anyone.

This morning: confusion, doubt.

Confusion: So many thoughts. It seems that "I" am thinking, and yet I can't control "my" thoughts. Frustration.

Doubt: I try to get a clear conceptual idea of why I would practice concentration, but when it comes down to actually doing it, doubt still sometimes arises powerfully. Concentration is a strange and difficult exercise. Is this really skillful?

Two sits this morning. My mind did quiet down somewhat well into the 1st sit. Overall, can barely register the breath in the area around the nostrils, although sensations on the skin in that area are clear.

The second sit, the confusion and doubt subsided quite a bit.

Regarding doubt: I believe this is coming up because concentration practice has overall not been enjoyable or beneficial to me in my day-to-day life. If it's neither enjoyable nor beneficial, it's to be expected (and is appropriate) that I would start having doubts after a while.

The walking meditation, however, is more enjoyable and beneficial. Just letting my mind take interest in whatever it likes in the present seems to improve my mood, and lessen the impulses to run toward addictive pleasures (the Internet). Walking outside, I see a tree, and I smile. I want to go up and place my hands on it, and feel the textures.

So, if I want to continue with concentration practice, I think the challenge at this point is to find a way to make it more enjoyable and beneficial.

One of the obstacles is the goal-seeking attitude that I've had, and that maps tend to set up. I notice this creates some pressure in the head, and a lot of thoughts and evaluation of my progress. So I think I need to back off there.


On another note: I've been struggling a lot with anxiety and fear. Most of the fear-thoughts are fear of death and suffering, and fear regarding my future career prospects. Also some fear of my supervisor. Attention to the present doesn't seem affect this much. I find myself praying for help.

Only sporadic sitting in the last few days. 20 minutes, here, 10 minutes there.

My direction in sitting has changed a bit. I'm spending my time sitting tuning the mind through observation and some experimentation. So, rather than just putting all of my attention on the breath, I'm trying to use my peripheral awareness to observe what's going on in my mind and body. I think John Wilde has been doing something similar in his practice log.

I find myself going into that confusing space where my sense of identity and intention lie. Too much trying leads to more agitation. Less trying leads to less "I", to letting go. I'm trying to just maintain the intention to watch the breath, and peripherally the mind & body, without thinking about it too much or trying too hard.

Continuing with the theme of trying to have this practice be beneficial and enjoyable. I do think it would be beneficial and relaxing to have a quiet, happy mind. So I'm trying to go in that direction.

Daily life: Still dealing with anxiety. Addressing this through attention to the "pleasant moment"; through exercise; trying to do what's skillful; contact with friends; and lots of sleep. Also through reinterpreting the anxiety as a useful tool, something which helps motivate me to exercise, take action, practice. It's there to help me, after all.

In recent sits, just a continuous stream of mental activity. Attention alternates between the breath, thoughts, and body sensations.

Some frustration at the fact that my mind doesn't every really calm down. Some thoughts like, "I'll never be able to do this."

Some hope, too, that eventually my mind will realize that all this constant activity isn't really helpful.

Still haven't quite found enjoyment in sitting meditation.