I'm going to try to keep this short and sweet, but still get an accurate diagnosis, I appreciate any and all help, because this sucks.
I recently (2-3 Months ago) had what I think was an arising and passing experience.
Short back story, I have been an off and on opiate addict for the past 4 years. With bouts of opiate sobriety punctuated by 1-4 month runs on oxy, heroin, vicodin. I drank HEAVILY in between and during the opiate use. Then about 2-3 months ago I had a bit of a break down and just kind of decided it was time to get sober. It's hard to remember exactly why I did it it just kind of happened. I continued to drink to get me through the withdrawal stage, but as the opiates left I believe my arising and passing experience either happened or began to happen (I'm not sure the words to use) and it eventually led to me getting sober. Also may be relevant that I have had fairly extensive experience with psychedelics years prior so I don't think this is my first go around. I also have been reading dharma since I was 12 or so with a big break during all the drug use.
What I experienced 3 months ago was:
- Feeling of being "chosen" for some sort of higher purpose like how a saint would be called to a higher purpose.
- Feeling of being able to see/feel karma. Everything feeling vaguely familiar, feeling like I've spent time with the people around me in past lives.
- Feeling like everything is moving/breathing colors being extremely rich.
- Meditating while sleeping.
- Decreased need for sleep.
- Extremely vivid dreams. (I don't often remember dreams)
- About halfway through I was able to quit drinking all together (still sober 75 days later)
- Feeling like the universe was talking to me, seeing significance everywhere.
- Hunger for spiritual texts, stories, etc...
- Overall feeling of significance. Everything just felt extremely important like it had cosmic implications.
- Extremely loving.
- Mental abilities/communication abilities greatly increased.
- Kind of embarassing, but I had a Kundalini experience. I had heard about the Kundalini so I tried bringing it up my spine. I basically felt like I had an orgasm, got an erection, and felt like the energy released out of the top of my head.
This began to give way to fear. It felt like it was too much. I felt like I wasn't ready; overwhelming. It was still pleasant, but still extremely fearful. Bouts of fear were interspersed between longer connected-to-all feelings. Then it all kind of slowed down and I feel hungover and disconnected. I've began to practice 30mins-1hour a day, but it's difficult.
Some days are better than others, but generally I feel kind of grossed out with the world. I also feel uncomfortable all the time! My skin feels kind of like it's crawling sometimes and I just feel generally out of sync like I am always behind what's happening now. When I breath I feel the sensation come in/or out like it is vibrating or pulsing at a pace much faster than my heartbeat. I feel kind of disatisfied with everything, food is no fun, sex is no fun, making money is no fun, it all just seems like a waste of time and I want it to stop. My only goal is to make it stop make all this bullshit suffering stop.
I've read MCTB in its entirety and It's helped at least make some sense of the experience, but I did want a second/third/fourth opinion outside of self-diagnosis.
So my question is was what I want through arising and passing and now the dark night?
If so does this mean I have a lot of catching up to do?
Would I need a stronger practice to pop through quickly?
I have my first 7 day silent retreat begining this coming monday up at Spirit Rock, any tips/anything I should focus on?
Should I tell the facilitators? Should I go for the stream on this retreat? Is that even remotely possible?
I just want this suffering to end everything feels like a waste of time.
I know no one has to help so I do appreciate any and all help that much more. Thank you