Mental Meditations

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Jake, modified 9 Years ago at 7/12/14 10:00 AM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/11/14 7:15 AM

Mental Meditations

Posts: 135 Join Date: 4/18/13 Recent Posts

JULY 11 - FRIDAY


Morning Sit
Kasina (Candle Flame) - 20 Minutes
My mind was all over the place but it is easy to notice when it runs away. I either note 'thinking' or just return to looking at the flame. I observed the color of the flame and noted 'dark', 'light', 'orange', 'white', etc. every 5 to 10 seconds. My whole body became calm slowly and was humming with pleasant sensations. Very subtle sensations but noticeable, might be first jhana? Will have to investigate this to be certain.

Vipassana (Noting) - 30 Minutes
Switched over to noting after the calmness set in. The minds distractions became background noise almost and I would note 'visualizing' and 'thinking' depending on the situation. The 10 day goenka retreat was frustrating at times because my mind would wander and frustration would set in. Now with noting, I am able to note 'frustration' when this occurs. Multiple times during my sit this morning the desire to get up and stop meditating would arise. I would note 'desire to quit', observe how this felt, keep noting this if necessary, and within 30 seconds this unpleasant feeling would pass.

Also, I experienced 2 or 3 subtle shifts during this practice. Shifts to more spacey awareness or something. I would be obsering my body or observing the space and a subtle shift would occur all of the sudden. I will have to investigate this further and see if it repeats in later practice. Another thing I have noticed is my body going limp. Its almost as if my body "turns off" for a microsecond and I fall backwards or scrunch downwards, but a microsecond later my body would automatically catch itself and I would suddendly be aware what happened. This occurred maybe 5 times and this has happened in previous sits. Not sure what this is about.

Another thing to note, I rarely returned to my breath during vipassana. I prefer to note 'in' and 'out' for the breath, but my attention was in my body and in my mind much more than focused on the breath.

Evening Sit - Timer set for 45 minutes, only made it 29 minutes
Began the sit with kasina practice using a candle flame and eventually moved into vipassana noting. I find the kasina method extremely useful. This morning while concentrating on the flame, my concentration and attention were garbage. My eyes would slightly bead off the flame in a subtle jerky motion. Tonight however, I noticed after focusing for 10 or 15 minutes that my mind was becoming sharper, and it was easier to focus solely on the flame with few jerky motions. An analogy would be shooting a machine gun at a round target. At first, the bullets are going all over the place, mostly on the target but some are missing. After 15 minutes of practice, 75% of the bullets are on the bullseye and the rest are missing, but still hitting the target.

Vipassana was difficult. I have no idea what I'm doing. Getting frustrated with myself and noting it. Seems like I am not going anywhere, but this is my second time actually attempting to give it a fair trial, there is no way in hell I am giving up. Also, reality seems to grind to a halt during meditation. It seems so slow and I think the reason is because my mind is constantly wondering "when will the timer go off? is this shit over yet?". I try to note these thoughts but they still have some power over me. Might be flaundering in the content.
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Jake, modified 9 Years ago at 7/13/14 9:01 AM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/12/14 9:59 AM

2

Posts: 135 Join Date: 4/18/13 Recent Posts

JULY 12 - SATURDAY


Morning Sit
Kasina (Candle Flame) - 19 Minutes
Much better concentration than yesterday. I also incorporated some of Nikolai's techiques that I found on his blog, where he says to occupy the mind by contemplating (without thought) the color, then shape, then movement of the candle. Mental notes of 'color' and 'thin', 'source', were used. My body began to settle but the pleasant humming sensations of yesterday were less intense. Thoughts of other things arose as well during this practice but I had improved concentration.

Vipassana (Noting) - 26 Minutes
I noticed that sometimes when a gross sensation arose, or something that I wasn't really used to, the mind would immediately chirp in with some sort of remark or idea about it. For example, I think I was entering first jhana but falling out of it during this vipassana session? I would note 'space', 'expansion', and the second time that I began to notice these things, I thought "maybe I am entering and exiting first jhana". Also, I frequently wanted the meditation to end and would think about how much time was left. I noted 'time' or 'timer' for this, and remember doing it right around 10 times. Sharp pain in the back of the head and dull pain around the front. Upper back and traps were aching as well.


Evening Sit
Kasina (Candle Flame) - 15~ Minutes
Lame attempt at concentration practice. Got frustrated and stood up, not much to record.

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Noting Monkey, modified 9 Years ago at 7/12/14 8:05 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/12/14 8:05 PM

RE: Mental Meditations

Posts: 48 Join Date: 7/24/11 Recent Posts
[quote=Another thing I have noticed is my body going limp. Its almost as if my body "turns off" for a microsecond and I fall backwards or scrunch downwards, but a microsecond later my body would automatically catch itself and I would suddendly be aware what happened. This occurred maybe 5 times and this has happened in previous sits. Not sure what this is about.


]sounds like phenomena of arising and ceasing...

Another thing to note, I rarely returned to my breath during vipassana. I prefer to note 'in' and 'out' for the breath, but my attention was in my body and in my mind much more than focused on the breath


Some people like to use the breath as a basis object, some use multiple objects. My experience is that after noting other phenomena is better to come back to the breath or (to other bodily sensation) because staying with the mind can be very slippery and easy to be lost in the content.

Vipassana was difficult. I have no idea what I'm doing. Getting frustrated with myself and noting it. Seems like I am not going anywhere, but this is my second time actually attempting to give it a fair trial, there is no way in hell I am giving up. Also, reality seems to grind to a halt during meditation. It seems so slow and I think the reason is because my mind is constantly wondering "when will the timer go off? is this shit over yet?". I try to note these thoughts but they still have some power over me. Might be flaundering in the content.


Good conditions. Maybe here also better to try to come back to the body. Just note the thoughts after come back, more you follow the thoughts worst it will be. Just let the mind worry about time and stuff try not to get involved and sit the time you set in.
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Jake, modified 9 Years ago at 7/14/14 7:21 AM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/13/14 9:22 AM

3

Posts: 135 Join Date: 4/18/13 Recent Posts

JULY 13 - SUNDAY

Notes: I have been trying to sit for 45 and 40 minutes respectively the past couple of days. I don't think I am able to sit for this amount of time and practice efficiently. Trying out 30 minutes for todays sits, 15sh to kasina and 15sh to vipassana.
MCTB Pages: 77, 127, 139

Morning Sit
Kasina (Candle Flame) - 13~ Minutes
The flame was tiny today due to the wax melting so I had to try harder to focus on it. I set the timer for 15 minutes allocated to kasina but felt concentrated after around 13 so I closed my eyes and started noting. Before that though, I watched thoughts arise, do their thing, watched my reaction to them, returned to the flame, and watched them disappear. After maybe 10 minutes of kasina, I noticed a subtle shift where my focus seemed to increase. At this point I didn't feel like watching the flame and closed my eyes.

Vipassana (Noting) - 17~ Minutes
Noted bodily sensations, watched how the they became more and more subtle. Lots of movement going on in the right hand, lots of pain in the head (had a migraine after waking up today) so I used that as one of my objects today. Noticing the pain move around in the front left part of the head, noticed a dull pain right in the center of my forehead, as well as dull pain in the back of my head. Noted 'pain', 'feel', for these sensations. Also noted 'change' when trying to observe with the understanding of impermanence. During the end of the sit I began to note 'expansion', because the area in the front of my eyes grew in size, like room just got slightly bigger. It seems like this room is only in front of the left half of my face, thats the area I most notice this change in size. The crumbling effect of my body happened 4 times this sit. Still not sure what this is.


Evening Sit
Sat around 2 in the afternoon then watched the World Cup. Do not remember details of the sit.

COMMENTS

Noting Monkey:
[quote=Another thing I have noticed is my body going limp. Its almost as if my body "turns off" for a microsecond and I fall backwards or scrunch downwards, but a microsecond later my body would automatically catch itself and I would suddendly be aware what happened. This occurred maybe 5 times and this has happened in previous sits. Not sure what this is about.


]sounds like phenomena of arising and ceasing...

Interesting. This happened a few more times today. I have become more aware of when it happens, trying to be aware of what happened before the 'crumple' and what happens after. Will apply this mindfulness during my sit tonight.

Another thing to note, I rarely returned to my breath during vipassana. I prefer to note 'in' and 'out' for the breath, but my attention was in my body and in my mind much more than focused on the breath


Some people like to use the breath as a basis object, some use multiple objects. My experience is that after noting other phenomena is better to come back to the breath or (to other bodily sensation) because staying with the mind can be very slippery and easy to be lost in the content.


I prefer to come back to the body. It seems more stable, however when I come back to the body, it is either the whole body, or a specific part. I am still messing with how wide my field of attention is, need to figure out what works best for me.



Vipassana was difficult. I have no idea what I'm doing. Getting frustrated with myself and noting it. Seems like I am not going anywhere, but this is my second time actually attempting to give it a fair trial, there is no way in hell I am giving up. Also, reality seems to grind to a halt during meditation. It seems so slow and I think the reason is because my mind is constantly wondering "when will the timer go off? is this shit over yet?". I try to note these thoughts but they still have some power over me. Might be flaundering in the content.


Good conditions. Maybe here also better to try to come back to the body. Just note the thoughts after come back, more you follow the thoughts worst it will be. Just let the mind worry about time and stuff try not to get involved and sit the time you set in.


My mind has had a massive grasp over me for my entire life, thus I give lots of power and attention to the thoughts that arise. I definitely agree that coming back to the body is the right move. I have noticed that when the thought arises, I get sucked into, but after a few seconds I 'release' it, and at that point I am able to note 'thought' or 'thinking'. Does that make sense?
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Noting Monkey, modified 9 Years ago at 7/13/14 8:56 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/13/14 8:56 PM

RE: Mental Meditations

Posts: 48 Join Date: 7/24/11 Recent Posts
"Interesting. This happened a few more times today. I have become more aware of when it happens, trying to be aware of what happened before the 'crumple' and what happens after. Will apply this mindfulness during my sit tonight."

In some places (Thailand, Mahasi "modified" technique) the meditator make wish to have these experience as much as possible while on a sleep deprivation. (good to give a try to sit down when you extream tired...)
It happens unexpectedly, so you have no chance to prepare for it, sometimes can be quiet strong, like you fall forward, backward or even to the side. 
If you feel something "pull" and then you follow it with your body consciously then it is NOT the same! Sometimes only head moves, sometime other bodyparts sometimes the complete body. Sometimes only ones then repeatedly. Can be mixed up easy what was what.
Teachers say it is good because you perceive clearly arising&ceasing but also there is no need for "looking for it" others you get frustrated. 
(not fruition yet. sometimes people mix it as you have the "turn off" feeling.
but as you sad good to check what happened around the phenomena, before and after (can you recall easily the events before (thoughts, what were you noting etc.)? does something change after in the field (level of vibrations)?  is the mind more clear or "cloudy"? do you have the feeling that time lost? etc.) 





 "I prefer to come back to the body. It seems more stable, however when I come back to the body, it is either the whole body, or a specific part. I am still messing with how wide my field of attention is, need to figure out what works best for me."

 As I see my practice is good to have a fix object you get used to it to come back (like breath, whole body posture or there are others in MCTB also (I like the beep sound in the ears)) because when things get complex or mind gets "crazy" you will be able to come back easier stay grounded and not to get involved in the content or lost in analysing the stuff.
but yes, see what works best for you.
If you feel "messed up how field of attention is" then just note "messed up" or "confusion" and come back to your bodily object, don't stay with confusion. From (dry) vipassana point of veiw the content of your confusion is irrelevant. Confusion is also impermanent and arise without self, cut it of, don't follow. 



My mind has had a massive grasp over me for my entire life, thus I give lots of power and attention to the thoughts that arise. I definitely agree that coming back to the body is the right move. I have noticed that when the thought arises, I get sucked into, but after a few seconds I 'release' it, and at that point I am able to note 'thought' or 'thinking'. Does that make sense?

Yes, I think we all are like that. But this is the way as you doing: realise that you lost then note it than cut it of or using MCTB terminology "shoot it out". This is vipassana. More clear we see/understand that all these thoughts emotions are impermanent&arise without controll&cause suffering (3 Characteristics) it's easier to not get involved them. This understanding comes only from the practice and this is kind of fake it until you make it stuff. When you are on the cushion try to give the best to note (shoot out) the phenomenas and move your awareness away from them (be heartless with them). Faster yo can shoot them out less suffering will arise.
More you get involved more suffering will arise...the choise is yours. (but is als a good advise to be compassionate to yourself, as everybody "lost" sometimes (even people on higher paths) but with every lost you learn something: it is not good to be lost. so there is no mistakes only learned lessions)

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Jake, modified 9 Years ago at 7/14/14 7:20 AM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/14/14 7:20 AM

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Posts: 135 Join Date: 4/18/13 Recent Posts

JULY 14 - MONDAY

Notes: Sleepy this morning. Woke up late and had to get ready for work. Re-read how to note.

Morning Sit
Kasina (Candle Flame) - 10 Minutes
Tired this morning and concentration was difficult. I noticed the mind drifting multiple times and pulled it back to the flame by noting the colors and paying attention to that aspect. The eyes became heavy so I decided to move on to vipassana earlier than usual. I am beginning to notice that the body settles easier/quicker? The pleasant tingles arise quicker. Still very subtle.

Vipassana (Noting) - 12 Minutes
Paid more attention to the scrunchin/losing balance thing that has been happening. During this session in particular, I lost balance usually directly after my mind became occupied by thought, which made me lose focus and take attention away from the body. I noticed this numerous times. However, it occassionally happened after noting though not as intense. I am also more tired than usual this morning and have to take that into consideration. Ear ringing and pressure in the ears has become more common. During the day I can notice times when there is a strange shift (perhaps in reality?) and that my ears change pressure or something... I'll usually feel it and look around with a smirk saying to my self 'what the fuck hehhehaha', it is strangely funny. 


Evening Sit

COMMENTS

I appreciate the feedback Noting Monkey. I will address your post later today when I have more time.
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Noting Monkey, modified 9 Years ago at 7/14/14 9:05 AM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/14/14 9:05 AM

RE: Mental Meditations

Posts: 48 Join Date: 7/24/11 Recent Posts
don't worry about reply better give the time for practice!
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Jake, modified 9 Years ago at 9/23/14 2:28 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 7/26/14 5:44 PM

5

Posts: 135 Join Date: 4/18/13 Recent Posts

SEPTEMBER 23 - SUNDAY

Evening Sit:  This sit happened while trying to fall asleep at night. I was laying in bed with my hands on the stomach watching the rising and falling of the abdomen. I must have laid motionless for about 30-60 minutes, not sure how long. Anyway, I made a few notes especially when I had urges to move and change positions. But I kept with it, and all the sudden, my body started to (what seemed like) rapid vibrations or tingling sensations, and then my body completely disappeared. It felt like the sensations of my my body were peeled away. After this subsided, I moved again and felt weird. I could see much more clearly the vibrations of my vision. You know how at night everything is kind of out of focus and splotchy? This is what it looked like except more intense and drastic. Probably one of my most successful sits and has given me some motivation to sit more.

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