This evening I decided to forgo the usual podcast listening that gets me through household tasks. Not for the first time I noticed a sense of space and silence in which feelings and events and things were arising to be enfolded by attention. It felt like a spherical space. Again not a new perception; I've had it before as a visual image to accompany attention. This time it felt like an actual physical space that had emerged in the absence of  the usual noise I use to fill my being.  I examined it a little further and noticed the silence surrounding everything. A silence out of which everything emerged. The world existing against a backdrop/ground of silence. Was this really so, or because I had recently read the comment from Sri Karunamayee linked below? 

http://marcusboon.com/tag/sri-karunamayee/

Only when I go back to read her description of sound and music I realize mine is rather different. Spherical not tunnel-like and, of course, lacking the music that is so fundamental to her. Still, there is the same sense of the world taking place within an ever-present silence.

Practice is 45 mins sitting in the morning using a largely Shinzen Young inspired noting technique with a little of Kenneth Folk and Daniel Ingram. Then during the day employing a combination of mantra, relaxation practice and metta throughout the day. Allowing feelings and states to arise and be consumed in attention. Exercise, food timing and content, as well as sleep is important to maintain attention. Equally breaking with routine is also required. And noticing the details of the world is enriching and indulged in for periods. In practice 2/3 times a week. Not, nearly as often as I'd like. Whereas the sitting practice is informed by Insight practices as found in 'Pragmatic Dharma' the daily activity seems to organically approach something closer to Actual Freedom. I find sustained looking and hearing and touching the world meaningful. And, it is apparent, also, that for this attention to happen a sort of even well wishing toward to the world is demanded. 

And today, also, as I walked home the sense of self that best suited to this endeavour - open, patient, contained, wishing best to others, or at least allowing them the space to be present without fear or favour - aversion or grasping. If this wishing well/allowing other's presence is not activated/practiced then rather than feeling harmlessness/well towards others, I can tend towards a sort of aloofness that can easily turns into impatience, arrogance and even hostility. Akin to a gentle low-level metta, a constant active wishing well or at least an indifferent (in the positive valence of the term) allowing of their presence must be directed towards others in the world. Without this I become unbalanced and isolated within myself and stop being able to give attention. How quietist is all this. How inward. Containment towards...? It is a balancing act.

The sine qua non of practice, for me, is being present throughout the day. For years and years I have told myself this, yet have not succeeded because of lack of intensity. Those times when I did faithfully maintain an attention practice throughout the day resulted in visual models of energy processes and transformations of consciousness. The intensity of the practice fell away, however, as soon as a (new) woman came into my life. Simply, she took away the intense edge of suffering that had compelled me to practice with a matching intensity. I'm not sure this was a good thing, but that's what happened. I had been waking in the morning to the most intense suffering that would last about 10-15 minutes and then pass to leave me feeling fine. Then it would happen again the next morning. This went on reliably for weeks at the height of dedicated daily practice. Then I met someone, and in the morning as soon as the suffering hit I would roll over and take her in my arms. Suffering gone - practice over. Suffering muffled and distorted and its value lost is how I see it. Those moments of suffering were horribly stark and bleak, sharp and very intense yet quite reliable in their brevity. And as I say they would pass to leave me feeling quite ok. Their consistency and reliability suggests a process of purification was occurring keyed to the rhythm of my day.

Question now, is how to practice with intensity actively and positively, rather than simply reactively. How to achieve the intensity of application that intense suffering offers, in the absence of that intense suffering? The issue is that the suffering is certainly still there, only now most of the time too attenuated to truly drive me to great practice. The suffering is harder to grasp. So....

hi pine,
i hope you don't mind me busting in on your monologue.  i think the core of your point could be 'how to keep motivated during times of equanimity' unless i am way off of the mark.

kenneth folk addresses this pretty well in his contemplative fitness series in the equanimity part.  he notes that the hours of meditation go down as we are not spurred on by suffering.  its a common theme and i have dealt with it many times myself.  in mctb, daniel mentions falling back to re-ob from EQ.

it is generally the (sometimes slow) understanding of this tendency which does spur us on by recognizing this trap for what it is.  namely: that even the good stuff is in essence not satisfying and although pleasant must also be seen as just more stuff that we cling to and which holds us back.

good luck  and as ram dass wrote - be here now ;-)

tom

Hi Tom. Bust away. My
monologue is really to make some sense to myself of
what my practice consists of and where its leading edge is. If people
pick me up on anything, as you have done, fine. If not, I'm happy to
carry on. Sooner or later I imagine I will begin to comment more
broadly.
I see my issue as the problem of thechronic yogi - not that all chronic yogis have this exact problem - but in the general sense that practice is either stalled, or muchslower than it might be. The issue is two-fold for me - how topractice like my life depends upon it. And with that, how to dealwith the 'edginess' that demands. By which I mean the sense of beingsuspended at the edge of one's capacity to cope. Of serious practicebeing sustainable for a day or a week, or even two weeks, but notday after day, week after week. Life seems challenging enough withoutadding serious pressure on top. If the discipline of a supportingcontainer is there - monastery, intensely practicing sangha,understanding friends, family, what have you, then it works. It is amatter of love and discpline in balance. This balance does not justfall from the trees.Perhaps I make too much of it. Yourpointer to Kenneth is a good one.

"Sooner
or later, the yogi figures it out; the key is to make a firm
resolution to keep practicing systematically until stream entry, no
matter what."

Where
does that 'firm resolution' come from? As I write here and now it
seems a matter of making that firm resolution, noting the suffering
that arises with that resolution, and continuing on. Then rinse
repeat ad infinitum.

Not sure what happened with the formatting there.

Hello there and kind regards.   You speak of resolve and that reminds me of a quote from Tao Te Ching saying the Master helps one weaken their ambition and strengthen their resolve.   My ambition has always been out of line with my strength of resolve.  I have these huge ambitions similar to what you mention but weak on the follow through.   How does one strengthen their resolve?  Perhaps it is also wise to reduce the ambitiousness to be more matching with the abiliity to carry through.   For instance break it down into components.

About sex, we are primates -- I've watched all the videos on apes I could find -- and sexual compulsions may be gone but the body is another lifeform and a healthy body does demand to sex and to be sexed.  Although it is rather bland about it (apes have some lighter mental compulsions too). Sex and love, etc. temporarily satiate the mind.

Hope that sheds some light.

Colleen
 

Hi Colleen,  I suppose my ambitions are huge. I have a bundle of thoughts regarding this. I think it's good to be ambitious while holding that in tension with the awareness your ambitions may well be unrealistic. 

I find myself in a double-bind. I require a certain insight and clarity to be compelled to practice intently, yet it is this very intent practice that provides the insight and clarity! As Beckett said, 'I can't go on, I must go on'. 

None of this, of course, is to argue against your suggestion that I break my efforts down into components. Excellent advice! There are various components of my practice that I address as discrete units - diet, sleep, excercise. Each of these I attempt to craft with a good practice outcome in mind. And adjust as I go to reflect what I learn. I also find that a base line for serious practice of the sort I'm referring to is to simply hammer a mantra until a degree of presence/attention is achieved. 'Hammering' that mantra (sometimes just with a gentle tapping) is another component, if I understand you correctly when you suggest 'breaking down into components'. 

I know this is what works. I know that I find it rewarding. I have a range of tricks and subtleties I have learned to build and sustain this sort of attention. I know that I am convinced this is absolutely necessary for me, yet I don't always do it. Ha.  We often trick ourselves unknowingly. The answer may be to be aware of this and accept it. Then go ahead and allow ourselves to trick ourselves toward positive ends. Mindgames perhaps. 

Perhaps  Kenneth F.  is correct : at certain times we need to resolve to practice. It does simply come down to a strong resolve to simply do the work.  How about we keep our ambtions - fantasies, perhaps - resolve to work hard to achieve those ambitions, while not being too attached to the outcome?

Do you break your practice down into components? Does it work for you?

Did one and half hour online session on noting inner chat with Shinzen Young. This is an area that I have particular trouble with. I am seldom able to note inner talk. The instruction was to use the space that talk comes from as a concentration object in the same way one might attend to the breath. For me - and most - this is somewhere close to the ears or in the middle of the head. Attention settled down and I noted for 25 mins or so until fatigue overcame me. I stopped the streaming session and set an alarm for 10 mins. When I awoke I lay there and continued to note inner talk for another 15 mins or so. I then got up, re-started the instructions and continued on for another hour. I was somewhat successful. A number of times well-formed thoughts flashed up and passed at a speed I found impossible to note. Blindingly fast. As the hour wore on the body as a block of sensation began to predominate more than the talk space I was giving attention to. I found myself shifting  attention from the talk-space alone to the body as a whole. I continued to note thoughts as they came and went. There was more body awareness than thought. Towards the end of the hour tension began to arise in my head and face, so, while maintaining a focus on the head space and thoughts arising, I began to consciously relax the tension with both a mantra and letting go of held tension.  This worked. The session ended and  I had my lunch.

Interesting to note fear and anxiety arising. I dislike noting self-talk. There was something uncomfortable about it.  Perhaps because a new area and it took me out of my comfort zone.  On a more general note, with the renewal of my practice efforts recently, I note, yet again, how fear/anxiety arises with being present. An anxiety at being, dear god! It doesn't stay around when I am conscious but clearly must influence my unmindful moving through the world.  Finally, I finished off with a well wishing prayer/vision with a sense of myself fully present and seeing fully through my current circumstances. Through being, itself, to a centre and ground. Density and transparency both and one.

Last night I had a horror movie dream. The dream featured a neon orange coloured thing. Very like the kid's toy that you can throw against a wall and it will splatter, hold, then start to contract and lose its grip. Although I can't recall throwing it in the dream, it was clinging to a vertical surface - perhaps a wall of some sort about 3/4 meters away from me. There was a sense I had been playing/interacting with the toy in some way. I suddenly was aware that this glowing neon orange object was not benign. It was in fact a conscious entity and seeking to control me through it's ability to compel attention. It was highly addictive and compelling for me and sought to enslave me. The purpose and intent of this lucent, neon, soft rubbery orange object was to take control of me. 

I woke up alarmed and frightened, yet also intrigued. I couldn't help but think that my relationship to this object was expressing some sort of practice fear. Some sort of attentional space I had found myself in. Playing out the dynamics of attention, perhaps - where both too much, or too little, control and/or focus will cause issues. I've been thinking of shikantaza recently. Reading Kenneth Folk and the guy here on just sitting. (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/wildfoxzen/2014/07/what-is-earnest-vivid-sitting-how-its-often-missed-in-american-zen-and-why-it-matters.html).  And my understanding of 'just sitting' as holding the simplicity of the just doing - the doing of the pose, and it all contained - and experiencing the doing of that pose transform. The being of my attention meeting the being of the pose and that meeting transforming both with time. And experiencing my own blocks of solid sensation, also: my back where it meets the bed  one solid sheet of sensation as I lie in meditation in the morning. The visual field at times during the day as one single unified object - as if I might lift it up and place it to the side to see what lay behind it. My body, too, as one solid block of sensation. Everywhere simple forms. And then with that how it is possible to get wedged/embedded into those forms. For attention to lock up and get wedded and glued to the object of attention.

As I lay there after the dream trying to digest it and see into what it signified, I got a real sense of being wedded tightly (ie. overly) to a dense and concentrated object. Of being sucked in. Yet I also sensed that sedimented in those dense forms were layers of differentiation that could be teased apart. And, that this attention would allow these elements to form/unfold fully as constituent parts of this wodge of thingness sucking in my attention. And the key, of course, to that breaking up and reforming was to simply keep going, to simply keep attending. What also came to me was a sense of ordeal. Of exploding (potentially) my life.  And that a pleasant sitting group would not cut it. So then, the usual stuff - not banal, but predictable - fairly intense challenges arising and the need to keep going forward and through rather than cease efforts. A perfect chronic yogi moment.  Still, I seem to be recognizing the moment, be right on it, and willing to press forward though that creepy little orange squishy toy and its intent to enslave me. The answer, then, to this enslavement is to go forward into the object that seems to wish to enslave and allow it to tease itself out into its working parts? And/or to allow those apparently constituent parts to 'individuate' and mobilise freely towards whatever end they might freely have.

A possibility so obvious that you might have overlooked it: Could this 'thing' represent a partially dissociated sense of self... something that you're not fully identified with and have objectified to some extent, but have not fully disembedded from or become free from either?

"... a conscious entity and seeking to control me through it's ability to
compel attention. It was highly addictive and compelling for me and
sought to enslave me. The purpose and intent of this lucent, neon, soft
rubbery orange object was to take control of me. "

"... a real sense of being wedded tightly to a dense and concentrated object.
Of being sucked in. Yet I also sensed that sedimented in those dense
forms were layers of differentiation that could be teased apart. And
that this would allow these elements to form/unfold fully as constituent
parts of this wodge of thingness sucking in my attention"

Certainly lends itself to this interpretation....

Yes, it certainly could be something of that nature. In which case I might
envisage the lucent orange form as representing my entire self. Then
from there to speculate that aspects of myself are fused within the
whole. These aspects either not let go of as you suggest, or not
functioning within the whole of my being as they might, or simply
underdeveloped. This is interesting, possibly fruitful and why
psychotherapy/life coaching etc can align so well with spiritual
practice. That said, to address this dream on that level is rather
speculative for me and more of an imposed understanding than one that
arises organically from how I am making my way through the world
right now. I'm more engaged with the perceptions and understandings
that arise directly out of my meditation activities whatever they may
be.

From this more organic perspective the simple notion of attention
becoming fused with the obejct of attention - and the fear that
arises from the seduction of the object - can be directly worked
with. I can flee the object, I can attempt to fight the object, I can
try to subjugate the object or I can persist in working attention
into the object to see through it. To 'see through the object of
attention in these terms is to dissasemble the 'object' and/or my own
response to the object of attention. And keeping attention with the
object is something I can work with directly in the moment. It is a
basic dynamic. I'm not dismissing your suggestion, only suggesting
that it is an unweildy conception for me to work with. Whereas
attention to an object is my world right here, right now. In deaing
with that, the the strata of higher order issues you speak of will
naturally present themselves for resolution, if indeed, they are
issues. And it is at this point that we can benefit from a good
therapist/life coach/mentor/whatever. Or just a good sangha to not
only support us through the stresses of practice, but also to sheperd
the growth of self.

As I respond here it occurs to me that engagement with the self does
arise for me as an issue, but it's more along the lines of how best
to navigate a discontinuous and necessarily fictional self than to
leave behind an old self. It might just be that your framing of self
doesn't quite resonate with me. In any case, thanks for making me
reflect: the navigation of a discontinous and fictional self (set of
selves) seems directly continuous with the issues that arise for me from my
'malign' little blob.

Or, perhaps working with an addictive personality. Apparently mild addictions - as I would class mine -  might be all the more insidious and harmful precisely because they present themselves as mild and can be ingnored. That strikes me as exactly the same issue as I begun this thread with where a life without a bite of really sharp suffering enables a correspondingly weak response. And thus drags its way to expiry, quietly whimpering now and then as it goes. Ha.

I've been doing some mini-practice: isolating blocks of activity, such as making a coffee, writing this note, or the 10 min walk into the city, and trying to 'pulse' continuously without break for the duration of the block of activity. 'Pulse' my word for the small pulses of energy that a mantra refines down to. I fire these pulses off to my body, to parts of my body and sometimes out to objects around me. In time these pulses further refine and simply drop away to an even intent that looks out to the world as stable presence. Body and emotional states arise and are noted. If they endure they are held open to transformation/overcoming to something 'satisfying'/better/good. If they are really bad, I do my best to suffer conscious that I am suffering. They pass in time and I find myself happy. The beauty of practice seems tied to ordeal.

Is this a practice diary or talking about practice at one remove?  I will keep in mind a more blow by blow account of a practice moment.

As I sit in meditation (or lie, as if often the case on cold mornings) I am able to note three different aspects. The object of attention, the mind/agent attending and then another agent of attention within which this is occurring. I'm puzzled. What is this larger entity/aspect of attention which encloses the act of attention itself. Am I simply confused and will better attention place the three aspects with clarity? There is a debate going on as to the nature of shikantaza - just sitting - and how Dogen saw it. And whether or not he employed koans. Custom is to say he did not and that 'just sitting' - shikantaza was his route to awakening.  The other view, however, is that he envisaged shikantaza as the very presentation of the koan. The very setting for both the koan and its 'answer' to emerge. I think this might be the case here. There is a mystery - object and attention and then the larger awareness that holds these two in mind. I know the object. I think I understand the attention  as intent or focus or self? I don't know what is the larger thing that is able to old both within awareness. What is it?  I sense that the answer to that question is simply staying with the set-up of object, 'focused self' and the awareness that is able to encompass both in action. Will the answer be a lucid teasing apart of strands to see clearly how each aspect relates to the other and their role. Or will it be a sinking into the field of operations to offer a different sort understanding. One that is felt to be lucid on the one hand, but, on the other hand, not possible to convey in propositional terms. . In short is it deconstructive insight or koan insight. In any case there is a puzzle. that I don't seem to have the attentional chops to answer. It's not more wisdom I need, it's more attention. 

Unless what you're looking for can never be an object of attention......?

(Or is that mixing paradigms too much...?)

I just wrote a short but rather intricate bit of speculation in response to you, John. Then I lost it because my damn screen flipped itself back to a previous page. The gist of it was that attention is a movement of folding back upon the world and that includes attention itself. My attention is fast enough to pick this up, but not fast/pentrating/sustained enough to grasp the nature of what is really going on. In short, there are not two aspects of attention but rather there is attention as object and then attention as process. If attention is sustained enough it will present itself as a thing in the world, yet it will also engage in it's native movement of disembedding to fold back upon what is. Both of which will then be perceived.  I wonder if awareness can be located and enjoyed as both an entity at work and as ongoing movement/enactment. Those who have gone farther - far farther - before us say awareness is not an object of attention. I have no idea really what that means.

All of this is speculation, however, which brings me back to my puzzlement and how to resolve it. I don't think speculation is a waste of time. It's certainly stimulating and I think inspires practice and also can incline one towards answers. The real answer, nonetheless, is still just to stay with the question and the scenario that gave rise to it. Over time it will resolve itself. Attention will penetrate what is happening. Or attention will transform itself into insight of a more knowing nature. Insight perhaps more in line with what you're suggesting. Will I then see/comprehend that awareness can never be an object of attention? My notion is that it can be - just a rather special object. 

So this morning I awoke and paid attention for 35 - 40 mins. Noted body, attention itself, my body meeting the world, how breath and attention function together and the special quality of attention that listening to the sounds of the world offers. Counting breath the balance between control and allowing becomes apparent - how the proper balanced play of breath rests on sustained equanimity. How it provides sustained equanimity. I watch my breath and find myself subconsciously making it even, deeper, smoother - to get the energy that oxygenation provides, perhaps. At the end of each breath there is a moment of neither in nor out. A pause. A void. This is not a moment of muscular action as such, rather I sense a subtle coiling for coming action. Placement, speeds, intensities are relevant here. Initially I was blipping over that moment, not even noticing it, rushing past and ever so slightly forcing the next intake of breath. And at the height of the intake of breath I was also ever so slightly holding, clenching, attempting to wring out the last little bit of energising goodness. Taking control. At one end of the breath cycle I was holding on to what I had, and at the other trying to rush past a moment of doing nothing. One clinging one averting. And, of course, to cling is to avert and to avert is to cling. The two folding in and out of each other constantly. A lack of trust in psychological terms, perhaps, and a lack of attention in simple practice terms. The result was for my breath to feel slightly off, not so nourishing (to use that word again), held, forced. The answer was to attend more closely and bind myself to the movement of the object, while also ready to act as directed. The presence to enact non-action precisely and fully, the presence to enact action precisely and fully.

Which brings me to submission which all my practice seems to return to again - and again. Or rather a lack of submission, perhaps. Which is to say, at base, my practice seems to be asking that I simply submit myself. And that act of submission feels like a huge prayer of giving up the self to something larger. A set of acts, times, attitudes. Of folding the self into a space and shape just a little smaller and other than it wishes to occupy. Wearing. Yet another of those endless folds that seem more and more apparent to me: in this instance total submission none other than total control. Total containment, total freedom.  And this only possible because the law/s to which we submit are themselves productive, creative. And part of our control that thin sliver of creative agency that going forward we may enjoy when in alignment with the always already creative productivity of being. But damn it requires balance. I'm that guy wobbling around on his unicycle,  finding his groove for a bit, getting a bit of a nice run, before I tire or the path gets tricky and my sketched in skills miss their line. 

Apart from this morning, the past week has been a wash for early morning practice. I did, however, spend a number of sessions gazing out at the world. Specifically, sitting on the side of the large hill where my home is and gazing out across the landscape. Some of that landscape is city, some of it forest, some of it sea. After 10-15 mins something flips and the exercise changes nature. It deepens and becomes more meaningful. It's extraordinary. I was having trouble articulating this 'flip' when a friend - a celtic-style druidry practicing friend - said 'enchantment'. And that is it. Something deeper and enriching is mobilised.This is the engagement with nature that is missing from a noting practice (for me). And then there is the missing political articulation. Is that up to each of us to explore or elaborate upon? I am a little suspicious if that is the answer. Surely if buddhism is now making itself anew with modernity then part of that re-making must be a well-articulated politics. Not prescriptive but open. What could be more - or less -prescriptive than to always attend, to always remain open. To appreciate that totally irreducible not-knowing will be met along the way and to accordingly respect and love difference as the best we have to share. As, indeed, the very point of our union with one another.  And then to attend to the actions and character traits that will be demanded on a personal, community, national and global level to meet these prescriptions. Done! How easy was that. I've saved the world and myself. Heed thee well my words! Or provide your own so we may bitterly argue our respective cases. And that despite my call to respect difference. Isn't that how it works - fine words leading to something else entirely..

In any case, I digress. Besides the surprising enchantment that seems intrinsic to the experience of gazing at objects out in the world, that enchantment also surprises by the feeling of nourishment it brings. This is not new to me at all. And again it must be asked why is it that we don't do what we know to be good for us. I suspect something about free-will has to be important, which is also why I suspect drugs/pills/electrical stimulation/apps etc can only ever be akin to a kensho-type experience: a taste to stimulate the work of practice. Agency is fundamental all the way down and up. There is nothing that we can sit down on that will allow us to relax and simply enjoy the ride, just maybe something, now and again, to show us how to stand up a little better.

And does that enchantment have something to do with looking in a sustained and careful manner at details? I think it can be argued that there is a direct connection between looking carefully at detail, multiplicity of perspective, and mobilising meaning. A seemingly nondescript fragment of the landscape, 3/4 kms away on a far hillside, when looked at carefully opens up to become something quite huge and wild - quite mythic and stirring - 'romantic' really. A much bigger and more interesting story has been activated between me and the landscape by attending to one small aspect of it. Quite other than I imagined it to be in my casual passing by. The difference is both low key/subtle yet incredibly cool. Hmm there goes another of those 'paradoxes'. The small and large, one and the same.

I recognise how in the cold of early morning practice I use shamata as place to hide. As something to make me feel good. This is not satisfying. Better to hold fear, discomfort, anguish, etc, thereby allowing expansiveness, deepening. As usual my practice seems like tantric/alchemical rather than the deconstructive insight. A practice of submission rather than poised observation. That, itself a lazy observation. Something remembered, made up even, rather than something directly seen as I write in this moment.