Brian's New Practice Log

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Brian K, modified 9 Years ago at 1/20/15 10:57 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 1/20/15 10:57 PM

Brian's New Practice Log

Posts: 142 Join Date: 4/18/12 Recent Posts
Ok, so I"m starting a new practice log to commit to my newly reinvigorated meditation practice. Just a quick background.... been meditating for a little over three years, but on and off. A couple of years ago I was hardcore into it, was practicing hours a day, went to Burma to meditate at Panditarama, which after about 4 weeks I realized was too much. Being too gung-hoe in my practice and seeking attainments too much kind of burnt me out and turned me off to the practice for a while.
I believe that there were a couple of things that seriously thwarted my progress in meditation in the past: 1. seeking attainments - my meditation became an exercise in developing craving and without realize I was no longer accepting the present moment with pure awareness, I was trying too hard to achieve something. This may work for others but it spells disaster for me. 2. Off-target practice technique - I was doing noting, but I wasn't building enough acute focus to carry me into and through the stages of insight. I was jumping too much - abdomen, face, legs, thoughts, feelings, etc.. which really just ended up in myself trying to conceptually dissect the three characteristics while not developing enough piercing unadultered awareness to let insight arise naturally.
Fast forward, I just came back from a Goenka retreat and am starting up a regular practice again. Shooting for twice daily one hour sitting, and more whenever I can. Ideally I would like to get a couple days a week where I'll be able to wake up nice and early and meditate my ass off until life happens and I have class or something.
My main focus in meditation and throughout the day is to maintain awareness, acceptance and equanimity of the present moment. I find this works much better for me than aiming for attainments. If they happen they happen, if not then that's fine - I'll just keep being content with whatever is actually going on. 

So today I only got one meditation session in, unfortunately. Right now my meditation practice usually starts with a bit of anapana to settle the mind, and then I start body scanning. Out of habit from practicing noting for so long, I naturally note the physical sensations I feel, which helps keep me focused and keep my mind from wandering. I will go back and forth between noting and not noting, depending on my level of concentration or just whatever feels natural. I'm just letting it be natural, experimenting, and seeing where my mind wants to go. Sometimes in order to build concentration or to develop more sensitivity of sensations, I'll keep my attenting on the rising and falling of the belly, like traditional noting. So i basically let these couple of different techniques develop and be of use throughout any given sitting as needed. Right now a big issue for me is visualizing sensations, instead of purely feeling them with my sense of touch. I'll make a seperate post about this to get some more attention to it and tips. 

So that was just a brief introduction, and I'll post tomorrow more in-depth about my meditation sessions. Thanks for reading!
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Brian K, modified 9 Years ago at 1/21/15 11:04 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 1/21/15 11:04 PM

Brian's New Practice Log

Posts: 142 Join Date: 4/18/12 Recent Posts
This morning, not much focus going on. Was pretty tired, I woke up earlier than usual. Sometimes I'm not sure, however, if my concentration level is a function of my overall physical state, my subconscious happenings at that time, or both. Maybe I just didn't want to meditate and this is the kind of stuff that was manifesting. Doesn't really matter does it?

Equanimity during the day, not bad for the most part. I had a few moments of feelings pretty centered and accepting of the present moment, not really trying to get anywhere else. It's always a bit shocking when that does happen, and I'm actually pretty aware often times that I'm in reality very afraid to be in the present moment, to not be craving, or to just observe thoughts/sensations without reacting. Strange.

My second nightly sitting I ended up getting up a few minutes early. My goal is to rarely if ever stop meditating in the future before my timer goes off. I was a little more concentrated, but was fading in and out. Was having trouble gaining clarity into the pure physical sensations once again, and discerning it from my imagination and visualization.

Its late, Im tired, I'll post more tomorrow.
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Brian K, modified 9 Years ago at 1/23/15 7:03 PM
Created 9 Years ago at 1/23/15 7:03 PM

Brian's New Practice Log

Posts: 142 Join Date: 4/18/12 Recent Posts
Have been meaning to post directly after I sit, but I've been doing it at night out of convenience, though I often times kind of forget what my sits were like. I bullshitted out on the second sit today, as I got wrapped up watching american horror story and didn't have time for the full sit. I've been noticing subtly less and less "stuff" attached to sensations. It's hard to describe, just being aware of something. But I have been seeing a little bit lately that sensations are just sensations, and there are no stories behind them, or anything like that. Actually it's interesting when I think about something in the future, get worked up about it, and then see the sensations I'm experiencing that are basically controlling my whole perspective on something. And so I just notice what's actually going on, and it almost starts to seem silly, like I'm getting so worked up over this big story I'm telling myself that really has no relevance to reality. Anyway. I believe the different sense doors are starting to become less entangled, i.e. I can perceive feeling as feeling, thinking as thinking, etc. Which is cool. I want to put up a more detailed explanation of my sit experience and the specifics of how I'm experiencing phenomena but I'm on my way out right now. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a couple good sits in!

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