Captain's Log, aboard the Starship Earth, Stardate 2015.07.06.

I have been on this journey of the mind for only 5 or so weeks but have had some interesting experiences. I used to meditate but that was over 30 years ago. At that time I meditated for about 2 years before stopping. Since picking it back up I have had so many thoughts like, "I think I knew this before", or "I swear I've been here before". Some of it seems like Deja Vu. Who knows. I don't worry about it I just keep moving. I just take each meditation session as its own. I don't go in expecting any Earth shattering revelations or experiences. That is not to say I haven't had some though. Wow. I simply go in expecting some results in some area. So far, I have rarely failed to find results.

I have been trying to get two sessions in each day. One session at work, and then one session before I go to bed. I have been fairly successful. I have also been trying to do as much noting as I can throughout my waking hours. I also try to do walking meditation at work, at the grocery store, or whenever the moment presents itself.

I have also had several experiences in meditation when I had those "Ah HA" moments. When things just clicked and I truly understood certain things at a much deeper level than ever before. I also have found a way of meditating that seems to really work for me. This new way also seems to help me progress quicker in whatever issue has presented itself for me to work through. I guess like a dark night. Maybe that is what it is. What I do is a sitting meditation of 30 - 45 min. followed by a long, soaking shower of about 30 min. During this whole time I am usually dealing with something that is an issue for me. I work my way through it and usually finish coming out the other side while in the shower. I always find I feel so much better after and start out feeling refreshed, invigorated, and lighter because I have now put another issue behind me. I don't do this every day, just on my days off from work.

I understand many things are vague. It is hard for me to trust. That is one issue I am dealing with all the time. I understand many facets of why. Dealing with those facets is the issue. But I know, as in I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the root is my sense of self. I have dug deep into many issues as they presented themselves and I keep coming up to Self. 

In a recent session I had an ah ha moment about self. I realized that if there is no self, then all greed, anger, delusion, craving, aversion, offense, etc. have no hold, no sway since there is no self for this to come from or receive. No self equals no need for any of those things. Freedom. It was a movement of the Earth for me :-)

Well enough for now. I'm bored now too.

Ok, I think its time to go over some things I'm noticing for future reference.

Since I have been trying to note as much as I can, I have found I'm doing so more at an under-consciousness level. What is that? To me, it means I am doing the noting, but not in a concentrated fashion in full consciousness. Its not quite subconsciousness either. Its like its in the background. Like a 2nd program on a computer. Its there, running, but in the background. It can be called up into the foreground at any time, but mainly stays just in the background.

Because of this phenomenon, I have times when the noting shows up in the conscious level uncalled for. These times are special to me because it shows i'm still doing the noting, but as a secondary thing. But when it shows up unannounced, it does so in a way that grabs my attention. It always shows up, gets noted (interesting), then gives me a little nugget of gold about my brain and what it is doing. I get to see my brain in action, evaluate why it did what it did, i.e. craving, aversion, judgement, anger, etc. Then it moves on. And so do I.

Its nice to catch my brain about to, or it just did, make a like or dislike decision. I can see where my decisions come from - fear, anger, craving, delusion, etc. I am noticing how my body feels when I have a "feeling" about something happening. I either feel desire - craving, disgust - aversion, or anger for untold reasons, none so far that are justified, or even love. I have been out and about lately to see what happens to me when I encounter people in society. How am I interacting with them? Am I showing love, understanding, compassion, or am I feeling anger, craving, aversion, etc. ? When I feel things, does my body tense up, does my mind tense up, does my breathing change, my heart rate jump, do I have the fight or flight in my body? Intersting to note, I almost always have the fight not the flight mode, show up. It is interesting to see how others react to kind words, compassion, etc. compared to harsh words, cussing, or just plain being an A-hole.

I've noticed too, that if I take a few minutes to explain to someone where I am at, what is going on right then inside of my mind and body, that many others can relate. It makes others seem to take a minute to evaluate themselves too. My children have noticed how I've gotten better at dealing with people outside of our home. I am a recluse, basically. I go to work, pay bills, etc. like anyone else. I just don't have any social life. Once I get home from work each morning, I never leave my house again until work the next night. I just hate dealing with society at large.

All the changes I've seen,  what my children have seen, and what my co-workers have seen, proves I'm going in the right direction. This gives me the impetus to continue my sessions. And that I'm doing something right :-) For once in my life. I have tackled whatever has come in my sessions head-on because I want OUT! I want off this wheel of anguish. I've beaten myself up for too many years, its time to stop.

Another benefit has been my time with my children. They now find I am very engrossed with them when we spend time together. I'm not just there physically, i'm there mentally too. I'm able to give all my attention to them now, instead of being inside my own thoughts most of the time. Enough of a difference that they have said something about it. All their comments are  positive too :-) They are happy to see me so happy. They can see the true happiness and joy I get from this meditation. That also pushes me down the path with a mission - get out now or die trying! 

Even though I have certain things I want to document for myself, I still want to set down other observations. One of which is physical changes. I've already told some of those. Here is another.

For many years now, especially since my time in the war, I have had a problem with sleep. My main problem has been an inability to sleep past 4 - 6 hours. Usually I only get 4 or 5. So sleep depravation has greatly impacted my emotions for many years. I've tried many options to address this problem, pharma drugs, alcohol, natural - which I still use like melatonin, L-Tryptophan, etc., and most never worked beyond 6 hours. Plus, I didn't like most of the side effects from most of those. There is one item I have found that helps me get 6 to 8 hours, meditation.

I still can't believe the "side" benefits of meditation sometimes. I am surprised more people don't talk about it. Unless I'm an oddball. probabaly. Could also be I haven't looked in all the categories to post in.
Well I have done some looking and don't find much of anything about what i find as physical benefits.

Today in both meditation sessions I had a hard time staying focused on the breath. 1st session was 20 min. 2nd was 45 min. I just didn't "feel" like doing that. My mind wanted to be anywhere but in the moment. I became so disgusted with this "fight" that I almost quit meditating. Not for good :-) Not sure what the problem is. Last night was my first day back to work after a week of vacation. It is the only thing I can think of that might be the hinderance. During my week off everything was okay.
Now, I realised this fight so I did my best to relax. It helped some, but not long.
What's also weird to me is, I was in a pretty even mood the whole night. Even though I was in the building as the only maintenance guy. Nothing much ruffled me or affected me. I was just in a very calm mood. It was very pleasant too.
I caught thoughts a split second after I saw them. It was nice to note them, then quickly see it was craving, frustration trying to become anger, some kind of judgement, etc. But I did catch myself thinking nice thoughts too. THAT was more than refreshing. For me, it was a major thinking shift! Metta and other meditation seems to be paying off, finally.

Okay, I get to write this all, all over again! Don't know what happened but when I went to publish, I had been knocked offline and was no longer signed in. So, now I must try to recover my thoughts. Not always easy when I am at work.
Today was both good and bad for my meditation. Bad because I could only squeeze in two 5 minute sessions. I could tell the difference too. As in, I wasn't getting a 30 minute session. Arrggh. Not enough time for me to get deep. Really makes a difference for me right now. It helps me to maintain my calm.
Speaking of calm, I nearly reverted back to my angry patterns when I had to deal with my supervisor about two machine issues. It was almost too much stress for me right then. Thankfully I said my piece, in a much less angry way than I used to before meditation. I still need to apologize to him. Also, it was nice for me that I was leaving to the other building to work my 2nd half of the night on another machine. This is aversion, yet it wasn't. Granted I didn't want to be there on that machine or work with the day shift crew coming in. Yet, it was not my decision to work in the other building. The supervisor had made that decision the night prior. So I was already supposed to go to the other building for my 2nd half of the night. It just all worked to my advantage. I am only able to deal with so much change, so quickly. This meditation has put me into a "delicate" emotional state right now.
I know that in time things may level out more. I sure hope so. Its not like I'm having extreme mood swings, its more like my minds' way of thinking is changing. This causes me to have a thought, that doesn't line up with the emotion I used to have (and still have), and the physical sensations are the same, but subdued. It is strange for me right now. I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Hmm, Iron Maiden!

Today I was more successful in getting better meditation. Today at work I sat for 25 min. It was a good session too.
Later, at home I was able to get my youngest to meditate with me. We did a 15 minute session that was productive for both of us. I believe, from questioning them, that they are beginning to see things in truth, not through their own lens. What is interesting is their meditation brings a blue colored dot into their range of vision, so to speak, when their eyes are closed in meditation. I've read about this, but only "saw" it once. I've tried explaining things the best way I can to them. So far they are following me with my talks about meditation. Hopefully I can get them to continue. They always say, after a session, that they feel better, are now happier, and more calm.
Time will tell for both of us.

So far today I have one session in. I was able to sit for 35 minutes at work. I tried doing the statue-like sit woop wap shared with me. I would say, I did rather well considering all my other attempts. Out of the 35 minutes, my guesstimate would be 25 minutes was good. I also noticed my concentration on my breath was better. I also noticed my ability to simply note noises instead of have them make me jump (really loud noises), was better. They use forklifts and tugs around the building, plus the machines themselves are loud. When a forklift driver drops the forks onto the cement it can be rather alarming. SMACK!!

I think I finally "got" something today. I try to read anywhere and time I can. Tonight at work, i read something about concentration on the breath, and bam!, I finally understood it better. Then when I did my session, I saw it for myself. Really cool :-) I realized I can concentrate on the breath and investigate the breath. I just never realized the breath could be studied like that because I never thought about doing that. DUH! Where was my mind when I ever read that and how many times?! How can I be so dense? lol

Today at work I was able to get in another 35 minute session.
Things went okay, but I still felt physically out of sorts. Don't know but I think the weather had something to do with it. My coworkers and I have noticed a pattern with weather. If storms are coming, people seem agitated, in a bad mood, depressed, feeling aches and pains in injured body parts, or outright mean and ornery. We notice this in others besides ourselves .

I also had a rather strange experience on and off throughout the night at work. Things in my vision would begin to get wavy. They would turn from "solid" objects to an object that began to wave back and forth, like you see in a movie when they make the image do that.

Does that make sense to anyone else? Is this "normal' within meditation circles?

Honestly, this is not the first time, but it was the most prominent last night at work. It has only happened a few times here and there so far, but last night it was multiple times. I've also had things in my vision turn from solid into pixelated images. What the heck is this? I doubt that it is "normal". My life has been anything but "normal".

I just remembered, I have also been feeling vibrations, both inside my body, and from outside my body. Not all the time, but now and then too like the wavy or pixelated images. I think the two are related somehow. Will need to look into this phenomenon.

Tonight at work I was able to get in 2 sessions. One was a 20 minute, the other a 25 minute session. Both were difficult due to all the noise in the buildings. But, I am getting better if I have my earphones on instead of the music over speakers from the computer.

I believe the first session was acceptable. I aimed for concentration on issues with anger. Still reading the book I bought about dealing with anger in life and meditation. I didn't realize when I bought the book, just how new it was. Still, it has been a good read. I will definitely need to read it several more times; besides all the sessions I may need to pair up with readings from the book.

The second session was better. I concentrated on just the breath, or at least tried my best. Still learning to catch my mind wanting to wander off into anything but what I am trying to accomplish. Overall though, I think I did better at breathing concentration than the day before.

The mind seems like a 3 year old child: strongwilled, wants anything "fun", no boring stuff, hates reminders, hates losing, has issues it won't confront, of course selfish, and seems to be on a sugar rush if allowed free rein. Its no wonder so many people are suffering all the time. When one looks, honestly, into their own mind, they are afraid of what they find. That's probably why people often act like a 3 year old child, because mentally they still are in some ways. I'm not excluding myself. Mea Culpa.

The last couple of days have been difficult for me. I have been thrown into a different schedule at work, so that has hampered my sessions. At home I have felt unmotivated to meditate but I have still sat for sessions regardless. I know I won't progress without the effort. No matter how I may feel. I have been able to prod myself to meditate.

I have been able to get 25 - 30 minute sessions every day, so I am still working towards the end. However, I still feel overwhelmed by all the knowledge I feel I need, to better understand things. That does not stop me from trying to learn and understand during sessions though. Thankfully I am starting to have things make more sense as I meditate. So all hope is not lost.

Ok, its been a few days. Lots going on for me.

I think I am making progress in many areas, however small or large. I am having more and more stuff just click when I read it now. Plus going back over the same material. Its indescribable to me to list all the things that I'm "getting". Its physical, mental, emotional, and a smoother ride than I thought was possible. Its so much better than before I got back into meditation. That existence was hell.

I can't even begin to list the different ways in which I now think compared to before meditation. I am more inclined to accept what I read from the pali texts, and books written about meditation, because of my own experiences now. Thus proving the buddhist invitation to try it out for yourself.

Yesterday I took a HUGE step for me. I found a sangha in my town. I went to their meeting to check it out and maybe ask some questions. It was comical to me because I was the first one to show up, early too, so the woman running things put me to work helping set things up and cleaning up. I actually enjoyed doing that for her, and the others who eventually showed. I tried meditaing while I pushed the dustmop back and forth until the entire studio was cleaned. It was nice to try that. I was partially successful too. So now I have an experience of doing that. :-)  lol

Learning how they did things was all by watching or being motioned to. No one bothered to speak to me about what they were doing, going to do, or how to do anything. It was strange. I wasn't offended, just puzzled. I figured they must have thought I knew what to do without asking me. lol Nope.

Just got home from work this morning. Only able to get 1 session in at work. It was a 25 min. session so it wasn't bad. Had a hard time with concentration. Just haven't been feeling the "love" in my sessions. I've been feeling like I should concentrate on a few other issues right now instead of so much on metta practice, anger, forgiveness, and other issues. I know I will return to these issues, just not right now. Its so weird to work on so many facets of my life. I'm not used to moving around from one thing to another like this. Maybe that's why I am; to upset my routine life to test what I feel I have accomplished in practice sessions so far. Just to do a reality check on where I think I am in my progress. Its the only thought I can come up with that makes any sense. Of course I could be SO wrong.  I just feel a pull in certain directions after staying a bit with 1 or 2 things in my sessions. Some things I've moved on from because I felt like I had totally worked out in my sessions. I get to a point where I feel like I'm going to beat a dead horse if I continue with that issue in my sessions. So I move on. I sure hope this is a correct thing to do because it seems like it with what I read.

I'm still reading any chance I get but also trying to integrate what I'm learning into every day living. Started a new book that is quite informative about the teachings. Its called, Teachings of the Buddha, by Jack Kornfield. I like this book. Its an interesting interpretation from the suttas. Almost comparable to the book of Proverbs from the christian bible. Its already cleared up a couple things I was wondering about.

Of course I'm still reading 3 other books besides this recent one. Just finished the book, Silicon Valley Monk From Metaphysics to Reality on the Buddhist Path, by J.A. Kempf. I really liked that book. It was so cool to learn so much background on Buddha and his teachings, his life, and so many other things. It was an engrossing book because I like history. I used to hate history in school. Once I moved over to Europe and lived there in a few countries I fell in love with history! I was living in historical countries, cities, etc. History came alive for me. So getting to read about all the history from those countries that Buddhism started in was a really nice hook for me.

Okay, this is just a note for myself to read down the road. I am reading a book, among many, that has something in it that just jumps out at me. I just want to write it down for future reference.

Verses on the Faith Mind, by Seng-Tsan:

The Great Way is not difficult for those who have no preferences.
When love and hate are both absent everything becomes clear and undisguised.
Make the smallest distinction however, and heaven and earth are set infinitely apart.
If you wish to see the truth, then hold no opinions for or against anything.
To set up what you like against what you dislike is the disease of the mind.
When the deep meaning of things is not understood the mind's essential peace is disturbed to no avail.

The Way is perfect like vast space where nothing is lacking and nothing is in excess.
Indeed, it is due to our choosing to accept or reject that we do not see the true nature of things.
Live neither in the entanglements of outer things, nor in inner feelings of emptiness.
Be serene in the oneness of things and such erroneous views will disappear by themselves.
When you try to stop activity to achieve passivity your very effort fills you with activity.
As long as you remain in one extreme or the other you will never know Oneness.

Those who do not live in the single Way fail in both activity and passivity, assertion and denial.
To deny the reality of things is to miss their reality; to assert the emptiness of things is to miss their reality.
The more you talk and think about it, the further astray you wander from the truth.
Stop talking and thinking, and there is nothing you will not be able to know.
To return to the root is to find the meaning, but to pursue appearances is to miss the source.
At the moment of inner enlightenment there is a going beyond appearance and emptiness.
The changes that appear to occur in the empty world we call real only because of our ignorance.
Do not search for the truth; only cease to cherish opinions.

Do not remain in the dualistic state; avoid such pursuits carefully.
If there is even a trace of this and that, of right and wrong, the Mind essence will be lost in confusion.
Although all dualities come from the One, do not be attached even to this one.
When the mind exists undisturbed in the Way, nothing in the world can offend, and when a thing can no longer offend, it ceases to exist in the old way.

When no discriminating thoughts arise, the old mind ceases to exist.
When thought objects vanish, the thinking subject vanishes, as when the mind vanishes, objects vanish.
Things are objects because of the subject ; the mind is such because of things .
Understand the relativity of these two and the basic reality: the unity of emptiness.
In this Emptiness the two are indistinguishable and each contains in itself the whole world.
If you do not discriminate between coarse and fine you will not be tempted to prejudice and opinion.

To live in the Great Way is neither easy nor difficult, but those with limited views are fearful and irresolute: the faster they hurry, the slower they go, and clinging cannot be limited: even to be attatched to the idea of enlightenment is to go astray.
Just let things be in their own way and there will be neither coming nor going.

Obey the nature of things [your own nature], and you will walk freely and undisturbed.
When thought is in bondage the truth is hidden, for everything is murky and unclear and the burdensome practice of judging brings annoyance and weariness.
What benefit can be derived from distinctions and sepearations?

If you wish to move in the One Way do not dislike even the world of senses and ideas.
Indeed, to accept them fully is identical with true Enlightenment.
The wise man strives to no goals but the foolish man fetters himself.
There is one Dharma, not many; distinctions arise from the clinging needs of the ignorant.
To seek Mind with the mind is the greatest of all mistakes.

Rest and unrest derive from passion; with enlightenment there is no liking and disliking.
All dualities come from ignorant inference.
They are like dreams or flowers in air: foolish to try to grasp them.
Gain and loss, right and wrong: such thoughts must finally be abolished at once.

If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease.
If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence.
To undserstand the mystery of this One essence is to be released from all entanglements.
When all things are seen equally the timeless Self-essence is reached.
No comparisons or analogies are possible in this causeless, relationless state.

Consider movement stationary and the stationary in motion, both movement and rest disappear.
When such dualities cease to exist Oneness itself cannot exist.
To this ultimate finality no law or description applies.

For the unified mind in accord with the Way all self-centered striving ceases.
Doubts and irresolutions vanish and life in true faith is possible.
With a single stroke we are free from bondage; nothing clings to us and we hold to nothing.
All is empty, clear, self-illuminating, with no exertion of the mind's power.
Here thought, feeling, knowledge, and imagination are of no value.
In this world of Suchness there is neither self nor other-than-self.

To come directly into harmony with this reality just simply say when doubt arises, "Not two."
In this "not two" nothing is seperate, nothing is excluded.
No matter when or where, enlightenment means entering this truth.
And this truth is beyond extension or diminution in time or space; in it a single thought is ten thousand years.

Emptiness here, Emptieness there, but the infinite universe stands always before your eyes.
Infinitely large and infinitely small; no difference, for definitions have vanished and no boundaries are seen.
So too with Being and non-Being.
Don't waste time in doubts and arguments that have nothing to do with this.

One thing, all things: move among and intermingle, without distinction.
To live in this realization is to be without anxiety about non-perfection.
To live in this faith is the road to non-duality.
Because the non-dual is one with the trusting mind.

Words!
The Way is beyond language, for in it there is
no yesterday
no tomorrow
no today.

Did a session a few minutes ago. It was disjointed because of physical pain interrupting me. We have a weather system moving in and it is hurting me. Caused me to have a hard time when concentrating.

I didn't get much out of this session except more information about 'self'. I found that 'self' is not coherent. It is just random thoughts trying to reinforce the idea of a 'self'. Bringing up memories to show possession of things, achievements, and many other things to show a 'self'. I am still not buying it.

Had a talk with my oldest child yesterday. I freaked them out. Didn't mean to do that. He was the originator of the subject we were discussing. Shortly into our discussion he stopped, looked at me like I was an alien, and asked, 'what the heck are you asking me?!, what does that have to do with our discussion?!' I then explained but he still looked at me puzzled. This happened several times and the same reaction from them. I was having a hard time understanding why they couldn't see the connections. lol, who knows? I was seeing the cause and effects of the subject of discussion.

Today I had a talk with my youngest child. I asked them what changes they have seen in me since I started meditating. They said that for the first several weeks my changes were quick and dramatic. Lately the changes have been slower but still seen as a continual progression. They said that I still have mostly the same preferences and mannerisms, but the rest has changed so much they almost aren't sure they know me anymore. They said I still have emotional outbursts, like if I get pissed off about something. But now those outbursts are so toned down and shortened that its like a short afternoon rain shower. And those outbursts are happening less and less. On a scale of 1 - 10, before I was an 8 - 10, now I am a 1 - 3, according to them. Lastly, they said that even my face seems to look happier now.

I've asked some co-workers about changes they may have noticed. Replies have been, I'm much calmer now, I'm more easy going, I'm unruffled by things at work anymore, I seem happier. I talk less and less. I'm more patient. So this meditation gig is really working.

I did not get to meditate at work so I did so this morning after I got home. It was difficult at first because I couldn't seem to stop being anxious. I was so fidgety and achy it was unsettling. So.....I tried to just be in my anxiousness and fidgeting. Between doing this and focusing on breath I was able to switch between the two until I calmed down enough to start meditating. It felt hollow at first, like I was just going through the motions, but after a little bit I fell into it. I was able to make some more progress in metta/forgiveness/compassion meditation.

Then after that was done, I fell into meditation of self. Hmm, its hard to describe what happened. I feel like things happened but what exactly, I can't pin down. All I can say is, I had some more brought to light about self. I had some realizations about self that really hit home with me. I also had a distinctly different 'feeling' in my head or brain this time compared to all the others. This time I 'felt' all this activity/feeling/impression/washing/covering going on in the right side of my head instead of the left like it always has been before. This time it was a different sensation that I still can't put into words.

All the other times it was the left side of my head. The sensation I always 'felt' was like the left side of my brain was getting washed. Like my brain was getting cleaned up from impurities. I know this sounds very weird. I can't explain it any better. At least not right now.  That's just the sensation I had and what it seemed like it was doing. Maybe I can read this stuff much later and better understand. Maybe then I can put it into better words. So the left side is done for now I guess.

The right side sensation today was different, is how it 'felt' to me. When I 'felt' something happening on the right side today I was surprised. The sensation had an almost golden color to it. Ok, I know now. It was something that was pure in its essence; untouched, holy, perfect. This still isn't all. I can't find the words. Anyhow, after this sensation was done, I then felt something in my brain as being different. It felt like a click. Still have no idea what happened, if anything. I will note that I have been in a state of peace, calm, happiness, even joy since.  I slept like the dead today too.

Interesting thing is that once I got to work tonight, I had to hit the ground running. I found myself as the only maintenance guy in the entire building. Oh joy! :-). Plus I had 1 machine down, 2 others that had issues, and I was running from call to call, for the first 4 straight hours. What fun! Actually, I weathered the storm quite well. I notified the operators and supervisors that I was alone so expect delays in answering the calls. I kept my calm, happiness, and joy through it all so far. Even the operators and other workers have noticed how calm I am being about it all. I've even found humor with most of it too. I am unperturbed.

Okay, its been just over 24 hours now since I last meditated. Does this bother me. Only somewhat. After my last session I have felt no strong inclination to meditate. Instead i've been noting, reading, and noting. I'm still in this calm, placid state. Nothing is really bothering me at all. I've felt such care, compassion, love, and wanting to help others.

I am also noticing that I seem to be doing things on autopilot sometimes. Its weird to catch it happening. It makes me wonder where my thoughts took me for who knows how long this time? I also realize that sometimes I was meditating. Yet, I don't seem disturbed when I notice these times. It seems like a 'natural' thing is happening on its own. I don't feel any fear.

I am noticing more and more the thoughts of 'I' as they happen. I see when I have a thought and the sense of 'I' tries to attach its sense of existence and ownership to the thought. Logically I know there is no self as self thinks of itself. I understand that self tries to keep up the illusion. Still working on this issue. Obviously. Hard to put into words sometimes.

I found myself as the only maintenance guy for the whole building again. Needless to say I was busier, and had as much trouble, as a 1-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. However,.......that being said, I was still in enough of a calm mood; almost a detached mood, I glided through the night. Another worker from another department didn't fare so well. They had 2 occasions where they lost it and got very upset and verbally lashed out. Not at me. My night came and went. So eventful, yet so not. I simply dealt with each thing as it came, and went.

I had many thoughts about no self tonight. My mind kept going back to that subject. I caught my thoughts many times trying to establish ownership of other thoughts, feelings, sensations. That sense of 'me', 'I', 'mine', 'you'. A few times though, I had a thought, 'what would it be like to have no sense of a self?'.  When I tried to imagine it, I felt really hollow inside my head and body, and very spacious. I could tell there was nothing there. I don't know how I could tell. It just felt like absolutely nothing in there. No thoughts, no emotions, no sense of a self either. Boy, that felt weird. lol, but of course!

After I got home I was able to get a session in this morning rather early compared to most days. I'm still acclimating to the zafu and zabuton. Its getting easier to go my 45 minutes now. Still working on concentration skill. I also find when a weather system is coming in I can hardly sit still for long enough periods of time. I really hate all the physical injuries I've suffered through the years. However, my hip, groin, and legs are getting better with the sitting.

I'm also starting to notice more energy in the body. Even though the sleep is still getting better, I still have days where I'm just feeling wiped out. More days than not though, I'm beginning to feel more energy. Its been nice when it happens at work. Really helps get me through the night without so much monster drink. Its really nice being in the state or stage I find right now.

So much has happened since my last post. Been so busy working overtime and putting out fires in my life. Work has been hampering my ability to meditate consistantly. I have been trying to do noting, walking meditation, and any sitting meditation I can shoehorn in. Thankfully I still have every sunday with the local Sangha. That has really helped me.

I also bought a 2nd zafu. This has also helped in my sitting practice. I try to take one of them to work and use bubble wrap folded up to make up the difference in height that I need when sitting. So far that has worked; when I can squeeze a session in at work.

Still undecided about listening to something while I sit or walk and meditate. Say what you will, music helps me. Of course what I listen to affects me. So I try to be selective with what I listen to while meditating. Some of the suggestions I received has been nice to listen to also.

Still on the subject of no self. Still on the metta practice too. Not sure how to tell if the one is affected by the other or not. Somehow I think they are connected. So many questions, not enough answers. I believe I overintellectualize too much. Trying to learn how to let go, and let flow. Being "right in the moment" has also been getting easier in small steps. Can't do it all the time yet, but I see improvenment.

Saw a post here recently that made sense and so far seems to work for me too. It was about the 'clenching' feeling you get with certain emotions in a situation. Being more aware of these physical and emotional responses allows me to be in the middle of it all and not lose my calm mind and emotions as easily.

Ok, I'm still on the no self issue. I'm beginning to have some understanding of what may be my main issue with this and why I cannot see there is no self.

While in meditation, I realized that I am like someone from missouri, the 'show me' state. I've been burned enough and bad enough to acquire the attitude of 'show me' if you want me to accept or believe. I realize this is causing me to try and understand this issue before I can or will accept and believe it. I know I must accept and believe it before I can understand it. Its one of those, 'you'd have to experience it yourself to understand' type of issues. As is most of this meditation and buddhist stuff.

Another problem is the fear. I know its irrational, but its there anyhow. I also know why. Again, its irrational.

I know that because of the events in my life, I developed a very, very strong sense of self. This sense of self felt so threatened as I grew up that it became everything. Self preservation. It consumed me. And it nearly destroyed me.

Lol, hopefully it will.

I've been on a short hiatus from sitting meditation. I have still done what noting I could, and can, plus whatever walking meditation I can. I've been away from reading much concerning buddhism, meditation, etc. because of this no self issue. I've had so many questions to work through, it has taken most of my waking time when I let it. It has expended so much mental energy that I have found myself nearly exhausted each time I lay down to sleep.

I've read in some places that when you 'see' there is no self, you 'see' it immediately when you do. There is no progression towards 'seeing' no self.
Then in other places its allowed that there might be progression leading up to the final 'moment'. So, what am I to believe? Still on the fence on this one.

Well my meeting with the local Sangha today was interesting. We had a packed house. Many first time people. Don't know who will come back. It was nice that several first timers weren't afraid to talk. I still remain silent for most of the time. I won't talk when there are that many people. That's what I do here :-).

I wanted so badly to ask someone, anyone, if they experience the same thing I do when we do our stepping meditation. They call it 'walking' meditation, but lordy they are soooo slow to take each step. Anyhow, I've noticed that each time we do this, I have energy that begins to build up in me! I feel like a battery gettting charged up! Its insane the level of energy I feel when we finish! And its only for 10-15 minutes. Holy cow it feels like it wants to erupt from me. I still can't understand why this stuff - kundalini - is happening :-(. I truly don't want this like I seem to get it. I can only think that the first time it happened, that opened up something that doesn't seem to be closing. This is so weird! I am so perplexed. I'm reading a book about kundalini in the hopes I can discover what to do about this issue. This is unnerving sometimes.

Because of jobs I've had, I've been zapped by some serious voltage, and seriously radiated. Thanks to some morons I had to work with in the military. So I know what it all feels like. THAT is what some of this feels like. Heat, electrical power, and energy radiation. Sometimes the energy is so intense that I just shake from it. My hands, arms, and torso all quiver and shake. It even makes me clench my jaw tight sometimes. That hurts after awhile.

Well enough blathering. Just wanted to get this down for future reference. Hopefully I can figure out what to do about the kundalini. I thought I had it licked from my sitting practice. Ha! what do I know?!

Its hard to believe the time span from my last post.

I've been in such a funk. Haven't done much of anything but sleep, read, sleep, shower every day, sit around reading, just being lazy. I'm supposed to be using this time off from work to get some things done. Ha! I'm too tired. Maybe taking an actual break is what I truly need. I know it sure feels good to just relax. No pressing needs, no work schedule,...no schedule at all. Hopefully when I do go back to work I'll be rested enough to step back into the stream of life without any major disturbances. If not, I have no choice but to "live' with it and see how I handle it as it comes.

Still on the no self issue. Been reading the sotapanna. Been studying other online materials, forums, etc. I think not 'seeing' the reality of no self yet, has been frustrating me enough to have helped me get into this funk. However, during sessions that I have gotten in, combined with noting when I have needed to go out, have given me glimpses of something. Still not sure what it is, but its there at the periphery of my consciousness. I am shown many instances in everyday life the 'self' at work with things people say and do, besides my own thoughts of self or actions that get noted. This is along with the other 2 of the 3 C's. For quite awhile those other 2 were the ones I could see over and over. Now, I see all 3 but the no self is most dominant. Weird reversal.

Well after working on 2 vehicles and the motorcycle, we got two out of the three fixed. Been busy with this stuff.

I have done some sitting though. Plus reading, walking meditation, and noting. Plus a book I ordered came in. So the forward movement has not stopped. Just slowed. Hopefully it will pick back up.

During a most recent sitting session, I had another strange experience. While focusing on the breath, it felt like I left my body slightly, and was looking at it from behind. It then felt like I was back inside my body. But then this outside looking in, then inside looking out sensation began to flip-flop. This happened a few times of back and forth. After that I was back 'inside' looking out, but now there was a river of 'energy' that began to flow into the room, into the body, through the body, and out of the room. This 'river' flowed like a real one would. After some time of this, the 'river' ebbed until it was no more. During the time it was flowing through the body, it felt like....well its hard to describe. Like a river of peace, calm, serenity, love, and light. I know how this sounds trite, but it's what it was. Again, this is nothing that was looked for, pursued, etc. It just was.

I don't know if this was related to kundalini. I don't think it was. However, I have had a few other experiences that I can attribute to kundalini. Maybe once I get through this new book, about kundalini, I will have a much better idea of what to do, how to do it, etc. with this new thing. I found I can't just ignore it. It stills pops up on its own.

Just reading the Dhammapada and encountered this:

Sitting silent, dustless
absorbed in jhana,
his task done, effluents gone,
ultimate goal attained:
he's what I call a brahman

By day shines the sun;
by night the moon;
in armor, the warrior;
in jhana, the brahman.
But all day and all night,
every day and every night,
the Awakened One shines in splendor.

It just struck a chord, so to say. Several actually. Its just so beautiful.