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Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything

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Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/22/15 3:09 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Dream Walker 9/22/15 4:05 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/23/15 6:55 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Banned For waht? 9/24/15 6:47 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/24/15 2:30 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks 9/24/15 10:30 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/24/15 2:42 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks 9/24/15 9:45 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Noah 9/24/15 9:45 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything John Power 9/25/15 9:47 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks 9/25/15 10:43 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/26/15 3:42 PM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks 9/27/15 11:01 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Daniel M. Ingram 9/28/15 3:15 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Joakim Bobbetibob 9/28/15 10:51 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks 9/29/15 8:39 AM
RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything Noah 9/24/15 6:03 PM
The past few years have been very frustrating. I have been struggling with OCD for almost ten years, which quite early gave me social anxiety. I have probably been in denial about labelling myself as depressed, but when I look at the characteristics, I definitely think they suit me. I'm rarely happy, can not enjoy myself almost in any situation.

I'm obsessed with bodily functions, such as eye movement, and with meditation also came a breath obsession. 
I first thought it was great, trying to be aware of the breath throughout the day, but it just causes pain and confusion, and I don't feel like I can quit obsessing. 

Only in meditation sessions I can calm down a bit, and the breath can be okay to stay with. I'm pretty good at letting the breath go, and not be in control, though this was something I struggled with for a long time.
On the other but same hand, I'm having trouble letting go of breath if I'm trying to focuse on something else. Such as a mantra. I just cannot repeat a mantra in my head, and letting go of the breath and just let it do it's job. It's incredibly frustrating. 
I'm okay with this though, I like staying with the breath in meditation. 

The problem is really in daily life activities. I feel like everything that happens is sort of mocking my breath in some way. I know it sounds ridicolous, and it is, but I can't help it. This is especially the case with sounds, I seem to grow such an intense hate at sounds. Even listening to my favourite music can be a struggle. When people are making sounds, this rages me the most, but also general, normal sounds can bother me to a degree it really shouldn't. When driving a car, hitting bumps on the road creates a great deal of pain. 
It feels like some of it is because of the breath, and some is just because I "feel" the noise. I don't hear them, I "feel" them.

And I think it's a combination of being hyper aware of everything around me, and just a general dissatisfaction about life. It just creates so much pain, and I really don't know how to handle it.
It's like I choose some object to focus at, to keep my mind a little more still, and it could work for some time, but it could also create this intense rage. It's like I don't have any choice to calm down. I keep trying to say to myself how silly it is to be angry at it, but I just can't help it.

It has been like this for quite a long time, and I'm going to the doctor to talk about it this friday. 

I think I need some form of medication or therapy. But I'm also very frustrated that meditation hasn't done more for me, as I have been doing it much and becoming quite good at it. 

Has anyone else struggled with this kind of obsession, not just of the breath, but of dissatisfaction itself?
I seem to be in some existential crisis, and I'm a little afraid, but mostly just angry and confused.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/22/15 4:05 PM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
Joakim Bobbetibob:
The past few years have been very frustrating. I have been struggling with OCD for almost ten years, which quite early gave me social anxiety. I have probably been in denial about labelling myself as depressed, but when I look at the characteristics, I definitely think they suit me. I'm rarely happy, can not enjoy myself almost in any situation.

It has been like this for quite a long time, and I'm going to the doctor to talk about it this friday. 

I think I need some form of medication or therapy. But I'm also very frustrated that meditation hasn't done more for me, as I have been doing it much and becoming quite good at it. 

Meditation can bring on some stuff that you need to work thru. The problem is that as stuff gets brought up (i.e. Nanas) there are healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with it. If you already have some problems then adding more problems to the mix can sometimes be overwhelming.
I am glad you are working with a doctor. I can also recommend working with  a person who is a psychologist and a meditation teacher.

Check out Ron Crouch
http://alohadharma.com/about/

Though I have not worked with him personally I have met him and can recommend him from what others say. Ask Noah on the threads...he has first hand experience with him.
Good luck,
~D

p.s. have you read MCTB? where are you at as far as that model goes? this sometimes helps to know.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/23/15 6:55 AM as a reply to Dream Walker.
Thanks for your answer, and your suggestions. 
I understand that meditation makes stuff come up, and although it could probably be true that I have repressing thoughts for a while (I think this is very typical for those struggling with OCD) but in my sessions I can't really say thoughts bother me so much. They are just there, and I'm fine staying with the breath. It is during daily life I struggle, and I wonder so badly why I'm not making any progress.

In regards to your question about MCTB, yes I have been reading some of the chapters. But as for answering on where I am, where exactly can I read about the stages so I could give a hint at where I'm at? I can't seem to find this in a specific chapter. 

Edit: If you are referring to the progress of insights, as seen here: http://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+The+Progress+of+Insight , I would definitely say I'm at either 8 or 9. 

I'm not bothered by suicidal thoughts or anything like that, it's mostly this huge frustration about.. everything. And there is almost no hope or faith in what I do anymore, because I can't see any progress, whether it be in social interactions, with myself, how I view the world. I wouldn't say I hate anything, it's more that things frustrates me to a degree I feel I clearly see it shouldn't, but it still does.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 6:47 AM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
Getting past from the bad state is to open the heart. The easiest is to start calling out God and at one point when you really mean it then it activates the heart and heart will repeat it.

What after this is: Next day, or when you feel alright, no problems, then need to remember to awake the faith again, then it will activate the lower part and the stables will be purified from dirt.
Its actually not so easy its just general steps, but the point is you need to get down from the high mountain. Staying in dry awarenss builds a mountain, but need to have the skill to come down also, as water and it flushes out the dirt.

This process will repeat itself but can seem different because of your individual karma or something( and can take more than year to complete one), the obstacles are not easy to spot and are ususally the most obvious ones but are also the last place we look., the correct answer will come by itself.

skill build and get pass the inevitable states faster.

*if not knowing what God is, we will remember when we have reached "rock bottom"(actually its opposite, its high). The skill is,we reach to that point faster by our own efforts by being good person, we learn our faults feeling shame etc. Also we need to learn to calm down the angry heart(if it is angry), by contemplating it will calm it(or i have to say her?) down.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 10:30 AM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
HI Joakim,

I'm glad you've gone to a doctor, too.
And I think it's a combination of being hyper aware of everything around me, and just a general dissatisfaction about life. It just creates so much pain, and I really don't know how to handle it.
It's like I choose some object to focus at, to keep my mind a little more still, and it could work for some time, but it could also create this intense rage. It's like I don't have any choice to calm down. I keep trying to say to myself how silly it is to be angry at it, but I just can't help it.

(...)

I think I need some form of medication or therapy. But I'm also very frustrated that meditation hasn't done more for me, as I have been doing it much and becoming quite good at it.



Only in meditation sessions I can calm down a bit, and the breath can be okay to stay with. I'm pretty good at letting the breath go, and not be in control, though this was something I struggled with for a long time.
(...)
I like staying with the breath in meditation.


I, too, used to be light and sound sensative. It sounds like breathing meditation is doing something for you. This is why I copied your words above-- to show what I'm reading that seems to be starting to help.

As you said, that sound sensitivity, "And I think it's a combination of being hyper aware of everything around me, and just a general dissatisfaction about life." Sometimes we can cause our own inflammation, like a mass cell response and touch, sound, sight or all of the above can seem very penetrating, very harsh.

I say from my experience that breathing meditation is helping the brain to build back its broad neural pathways, building back the usage of the whole brain. When we are stressed the brainstem and maybe amydala are said to be heavily used, blocking whole/more brain usage. This brain action is supposed to happen when we really need to be in flight/freeeze or fight mode, not always on.

Have you tried nine months of breathing meditation? 
Can you bring in friendliness and compassion?
If you see some being hurt, do you want to help in some way to relieve the suffering? This is compassion for self, too: Seeing our experience and gently, like our own ideal nurse, coming to warmly befriend and help ourselves.

Breathing meditation was what Siddhartha Gautama used and he also recalled a very happy childhood day sitting in a field under a tree in blossom. Feeling that deep calm and deep ease, he continued with exhale-inhale meditation (anapanasati).

Your consideration?


Kind regards,
Katy

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 2:30 PM as a reply to Banned For waht?.
Rist Ei:
Getting past from the bad state is to open the heart. The easiest is to start calling out God and at one point when you really mean it then it activates the heart and heart will repeat it.

What after this is: Next day, or when you feel alright, no problems, then need to remember to awake the faith again, then it will activate the lower part and the stables will be purified from dirt.
Its actually not so easy its just general steps, but the point is you need to get down from the high mountain. Staying in dry awarenss builds a mountain, but need to have the skill to come down also, as water and it flushes out the dirt.


Thanks for the suggestion. I didn't read this until now. Actually yesterday I did ask God for some help. I have no idea what I'm actually calling out for, or whom I'm calling, but it does seem to help with just some blind faith in something greater, something good.
I also did try this approach during daily life, and it seems to help a little, but I'm still very much in the same state of despair and frustration.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 2:42 PM as a reply to katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks.
katy steger:

I, too, used to be light and sound sensative. It sounds like breathing meditation is doing something for you. This is why I copied your words above-- to show what I'm reading that seems to be starting to help.

As you said, that sound sensitivity, "And I think it's a combination of being hyper aware of everything around me, and just a general dissatisfaction about life." Sometimes we can cause our own inflammation, like a mass cell response and touch, sound, sight or all of the above can seem very penetrating, very harsh.

I say from my experience that breathing meditation is helping the brain to build back its broad neural pathways, building back the usage of the whole brain. When we are stressed the brainstem and maybe amydala are said to be heavily used, blocking whole/more brain usage. This brain action is supposed to happen when we really need to be in flight/freeeze or fight mode, not always on.

Have you tried nine months of breathing meditation? 
Can you bring in friendliness and compassion?
If you see some being hurt, do you want to help in some way to relieve the suffering? This is compassion for self, too: Seeing our experience and gently, like our own ideal nurse, coming to warmly befriend and help ourselves.

Breathing meditation was what Siddhartha Gautama used and he also recalled a very happy childhood day sitting in a field under a tree in blossom. Feeling that deep calm and deep ease, he continued with exhale-inhale meditation (anapanasati).

Your consideration?


Kind regards,
Katy

Thanks for your answer. I have done breathing meditation for almost a year and a half. I think only the last half year has been anything to speak of, in terms of quality and understanding more about how to relate to thoughts. But it's always a struggle, letting go of the breath and trying to not reacting to sounds when I'm meditating. I have had a lot of good sessions, but have not seen it in daily life at all. I just seem to come back to my "normal", frantic state as soon as I'm done. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that is struggling (or have been struggling) with sound sensitivity, or just sensitivity in general. Especially sounds, though. 

The thing is, after all this time meditating, and really trying to be open about how to view the world, I wonder why I'm doing so badly. I was hoping that with time I could learn not to react so much, but it just seems to be the same all the time. 
As you say, meditation should help the brain getting back to it's natural state, of peace and calmness, but I'm seeing this extremely rarely, and I am by no means any closer to anything. I sometimes feel that I "get" it, but those moments never lasts, or anything close to it. There have been many realizations, but they just don't seem to stuck. 

The frustrating part is the feeling that I'm not able to let go, of anything. The intention of calming down, to be compassionate, to be kind and loving, just seems to be in the back part of my brain, and all I can focus on is how extremely annoying things are, even though I see how stupid it is to be caught up in it. Sometimes I feel it can help to just let my mind ramble, and just listen to it. 

I really don't know what to do. I didn't get to the doctor as the appointment was cancelled, but I was set up for a new one tomorrow. I'm hoping there are some good therapists, and maybe even medication can help, although I'm skeptical do anti-depressants I'm not really sure if there is any other thing to do right now.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 6:03 PM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
@OP:

Hey Joakim,

I believe that you can achieve a more positive state.  It can be done!  Bad phases can last years, but they will end.  As DreamWalker said, Ron Crouch is one person who can definitely help you.  I have also been dealing with the problem of hypersensitive agitated perception for years.  I have gotten much, much better and am super grateful for his help.  

I also think you should do this: for two to five minutes every day, imagine the exact, positive opposite of the problem you are experiencing.  Imagine being completely saturated with the solution.  Imagine the calming, restful ease being in such abundance that you couldn't believe it was every any other way.  Imagine being so freakin' healthy and awesome that your problems are nothing more than a memory, a distant ancestor of you now.  When you conjure up this image and feeling, allow it to morph and change, get creative with it.  But the thing that should not change is that you should hold this core healing energy in your mind at a constant level for 2 to 5 minutes.

After doing this exercise, it is imperative that you completely forget about it until the time you do it the next day.  Do this by distracting yourself with other things.

Best,
Noah

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 9:45 PM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
As you say, meditation should help the brain getting back to it's natural state, of peace and calmness, but I'm seeing this extremely rarely, and I am by no means any closer to anything. I sometimes feel that I "get" it, but those moments never lasts, or anything close to it. There have been many realizations, but they just don't seem to stuck.


Okay. Well, for me a year and a half was also the start. It took three years for me to really see that there were big changes which provided broad mental ease and perhaps significant brain wiring-- more open. I don't really know. After 4.5 years it continues to be useful with a particularly useful release of painful perception this past spring. (Still, I read the news, I'm alive, conditions are never stable and one knows the extant troubles and may contribute in their own way in many areas to create the causes of pleasant future worldwide.)

Per the dudes, another friend has liked working with Crouch (one not dealing with destabilizing strong emotions), while another friend did not (one dealing with strongly negative moods). Perhaps he will work with you freely or vend. I don't know. If it helps you develop in a way reliable to you, then wonderful.
 
Another commerical service I've learned about, in addition to the above mentioned, are the many hours of guided meditations and training and group participation in an online community created by Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield. I have heard good things about both of them. They start up something soon with this via the "sounds true" enterprise.

They have free talks on dharmaseed and here is an hour of Q & A with them: 
http://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/175/talk/6381/
(I have not listened.)

This is what I would suggest to someone with a chronic issue and/or PTSD, if they want to sit meditation with own mind-heart-feelings-- to get oriented through a series of free talks on the free service dhammaseed.org (follow a teacher(s) you like), see a doc and therapist.
And it's really up to your inclinations as to what and who to add; Sometimes we can't trust ourselves so we trust best doctors, therapists, teachers we can find.

But even among the great masters of meditation teachers, there are many contradictory statements made, just like in medicine and dietary recommendations. So you move towards who and what awakens in you your reliable well-being and, when you can start trusting yourself to explore on your own, you take those steps to practice without teacher. That's probably a little later.

And Buddhist science of mind/philosophy/religion is not for everyone.
There are other streams to sincerely try.
And I'm sure you know exercise and diet have effects on mood.  
Best wishes and friendly perseverance.

The frustrating part is the feeling that I'm not able to let go, of anything.
(...)
I really don't know what to do. I didn't get to the doctor as the appointment was cancelled, but I was set up for a new one tomorrow.


Okay, in the meantime or sometime, not as a substitute (and you're not looking for a substitute or this, per se, I just want to let you know since you're newer here) if you want to skype, then usually several people here do that. This is a peer community. You and I could skype some Sunday, for example, and I would just listen. And there are people who just read in this forum but who may be helpful to you, too.

Best wishes.
__________
As to your posts with Rist Ei, you may be able to immerse yourself sometime with a comteplative community or communicate with a monastic. A friend did this for a few difficult years: was in regular pray and contemplation with a few people in his theistic practice. It was very helpful to him and was his path.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/24/15 9:45 PM as a reply to katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks.
Okay, in the meantime or sometime, not as a substitute (and you're not looking for a substitute or this, per se, I just want to let you know since you're newer here) if you want to skype, then usually several people here do that. This is a peer community. You and I could skype some Sunday, for example, and I would just listen. And there are people who just read in this forum but who may be helpful to you, too.


+1

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/25/15 9:47 AM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
Joakim Bobbetibob:

Thanks for your answer. I have done breathing meditation for almost a year and a half. I think only the last half year has been anything to speak of, in terms of quality and understanding more about how to relate to thoughts. But it's always a struggle, letting go of the breath and trying to not reacting to sounds when I'm meditating. I have had a lot of good sessions, but have not seen it in daily life at all. I just seem to come back to my "normal", frantic state as soon as I'm done. 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that is struggling (or have been struggling) with sound sensitivity, or just sensitivity in general. Especially sounds, though. 

The thing is, after all this time meditating, and really trying to be open about how to view the world, I wonder why I'm doing so badly. I was hoping that with time I could learn not to react so much, but it just seems to be the same all the time. 
As you say, meditation should help the brain getting back to it's natural state, of peace and calmness, but I'm seeing this extremely rarely, and I am by no means any closer to anything. I sometimes feel that I "get" it, but those moments never lasts, or anything close to it. There have been many realizations, but they just don't seem to stuck. 

The frustrating part is the feeling that I'm not able to let go, of anything. The intention of calming down, to be compassionate, to be kind and loving, just seems to be in the back part of my brain, and all I can focus on is how extremely annoying things are, even though I see how stupid it is to be caught up in it. Sometimes I feel it can help to just let my mind ramble, and just listen to it. 

I really don't know what to do. I didn't get to the doctor as the appointment was cancelled, but I was set up for a new one tomorrow. I'm hoping there are some good therapists, and maybe even medication can help, although I'm skeptical do anti-depressants I'm not really sure if there is any other thing to do right now.

After doing Vipassana meditation for almost four years with four long retreats, I now decided to practise mainly Metta(Loving-kindness) meditation. In those years I learned a lot and got many insights but a lot of the path was painful and unpleasant. I decided that I want to do more Metta because I was/am in a frustative/irritative/restless/unpleasant mental state and the body is tense. After a few days of saying metta phrases whenever I would remember to do so, I feel a little better. There is still the mind state and stifness of the body but there is more space, more calm, more concentration, more equanimity, more acceptance. Every time when you say a metta phrase you create a positive/wholesome intention and thus there can´t be a negative intention. Every time when you say a metta phrase, you plant a seed of love/positivity in your consciousness and eventually the seed will grow.

I would like to quote Sharon Salzberg:
In practicing metta we do not have to make a certain feeling happen.
In fact, during the practice we see that we feel differently at
different times. Any momentary emotional tone is far less
relevant than considerable power of intention we harness as we say
these phrases. As we repeat, "May I be happy; may all beings be happy,"
we are planting seeds by forming this powerful intention
in the mind. The seed will bear fruit in its own time.

When I was practicing metta intensively in Burma, at times when I
repeated the metta phrases, I would picture myself in a wide open field
planting seeds. Doing metta we plant the seeds of
love, knowing that nature will take its course and in time those
seeds will bear fruit. Some seeds will come to fruition quickly, some
slowly, but our work is simply to plant the seeds. Every
time we form the intention in the mind for our own happiness or for
the happiness of others, we are doing our work; we are channeling the
powerful energies of our own minds. Beyond that, we can
trust the laws of nature to continually support the flowering of our
love. As Pablo Neruda says:
Perhaps the earth can teach us, as when everything seems dead in winter and later proves to be alive.When we started our retreat center, Insight Meditation Society,
in 1975, many of us there decided to do a self-retreat for a month to
inaugurate the center. I planned to do metta for the
entire month. This was before I'd been to Burma, and it would be my
first opportunity to do intensive and systematic metta meditation. I had
heard how it was done in extended practice, and I
planned to follow that schedule. So the first week I spent directing
lovingkindness towards myself. I felt absolutely nothing. It was the
dreariest, most boring week I had known in some time. I
sat there saying, "May I be happy, may I be peaceful," over and over
again with no obvious result.
Then, as it happened, someone we knew in the community had a
problem, and a few of us had to leave the retreat suddenly. I felt even
worse, thinking, "Not only did I spend this week doing
metta and getting nothing from it, but I also never even got beyond
directing metta towards myself. So on top of everything else, I was
really selfish."
I was in a frenzy getting ready to leave. As I was hurriedly
getting everything together in my bathroom, I dropped a jar. It
shattered all over the floor. I still remember my immediate
response: "You are really a klutz, but I love you." And then I
thought, "Wow! Look at that. Something did happen in this week of
practice."
So the intention is enough. We form the intention in our mind for
our happiness and the happiness of all. This is different from
struggling to fabricate a certain feeling, to create it out of
our will, to make it happen. We just settle back and plant the seeds
without worrying about the immediate result. That is our work. If we do
our work, then manifold benefits will surely come.

Fortunately, the Buddha was characteristically precise about what
those benefits include. He said that the intimacy and caring that fill
our hearts as the force of lovingkindness develops will
bring eleven particular advantages:
1) You will sleep easily. 2) You will wake easily. 3) You will
have pleasant dreams. 4) People will love you. 5) Devas [celestial
beings] and animals will love you. 6) Devas will protect you.
7) External dangers [poisons, weapons, and fire] will not harm you.
8) Your face will be radiant. 9) Your mind will be serene. 10) You will
die unconfused. 11) You will be reborn in happy
realms.

BRON: http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php

So apart from all the other things you want to do, I would suggest to begin a Metta practice. I wish you all the best and remember, this isn´t permanent, this won´t last.

Metta!

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/25/15 10:43 AM as a reply to John Power.
+1

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/26/15 3:42 PM as a reply to katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks.
Thanks everyone for your answers and suggestions, and especially to those offering Skype calls. I went to the doctor yesterday, and I will begin to speak to a psychiatrist on monday. So I will try that first, and if that shouldn't work out, I will perhaps try anti depressants. I appreciate you guys reaching out, and I might want to do a Skype call sometime.

As for the metta suggestion, I have been doing some metta meditation, and a few days I have been doing metta practice throughout the whole day. It is sort of pleasant, but I don't think compassion is something I lack. Maybe it's even in the opposite direction, in the sense that I care too much about other peoples feelings. Compassion for myself though is something I could work on, I guess, but it's hard. I have a very distorted view of myself, and my own body (which I obsess over), and it's hard to change that view.

Hopefully the therapy sessions will help. I can already feel that something is changing, just reaching out for help and actually talking to a doctor felt good. It was also good to be taken seriously about my issues. He even thought I might be hallucinating (not going into specifcis here), which I thought was funny because it's far from the truth, but from what he was told I understand why he made that assumption. I'm not hallucinating, and I'm sure the meeting with the therapist will help clear up a few things in that regard, so the doctor along with psychiatrists hopefully could come up with a good treatment plan.

Thanks again, everyone. I'm glad that I finally feel able to actually reach out and ask for help. And just talking about my problems somehow make them lose their power a little, which feels good.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/27/15 11:01 AM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
This is nice to read. Thank you.

When a person takes up the habit of getting help for themselves, I feel they are helping others. I have one very sick friend and every time he makes great dietary-exercise choices he's in a better mood around his loved ones.

I wanted to add another friend has taken just about 10 years to stablize mood through therapy, practices, meds, diet, exercise and positive self-regard. This person is admired and has achieved solid skills and talent in life, so it's a suprise they've dealt for so long with negative self-regard. This person now is a reliable resource to others, not making big promises that everything will be okay in a few months, but by showing persistence and effort to be well over many years. He has practiced deliberate gratitude and happiness, I think, just to literally develop those brain pathways as those are not forming on their own in the context of daily negative ruminations (which brain pathways get more habituated in the brain and become "go-to" reactions-- so he deliberately set aside time for positive training of the brain). I admire this/him so much and want to say this to encourage your effort over time.

Otherwise, there's lots of experience on the forum, sometimes bluntness, sometimes softness, sometimes intellectual musings, sometimes totally "off-the-wall" practice reports. I think you know that, but just wanted to let you know that in case you're having hard days to consider how you might use or not use aspects of the forum. Hopefully, if the site serves you will find some helpfulness when you need. Hopefully, you will have many tools in your tool belt (doc, therapist, forum(s), diet, exercise, a close friend/family/pet) to work with this. 

And sometimes messaging and chat do not relay messages on the forum. If no one replies to a message/chat invite it can be that no one recieved it.

Best wishes, Joakim !

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/28/15 3:15 AM as a reply to katy steger,thru11.6.15 with thanks.
Along similar lines to the above, my friend Nina, on reading this thread, offered the following advice:

From the post my initial sense is that person would be a better fit for psychotherapy with mindfulness training vs. just mindfulness training, but more info is needed before drawing that line. Based just on their post I'd recommend: 1) doing practices that help them to ease their nervous system sensitivity such as relaxation/"restful states" (in Shinzen's lingo) and lovingkindness/"focus on positive" techniques and 2) getting some productive insights into the 3 marks of existence by "recycling" the reactions they're having (in other words, bringing mindful awareness to every single last reaction that's arising, leaving nothing out or separate). I'd also emphasize, as others have, that it may take time for some of these reactions to equanimize but if, each time they have a choice point, they default to kindness and tenderness towards themselves that will go far. 

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/28/15 10:51 AM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
Thanks Katy and Daniel. 

I had a meeting with a psychiatrist today. After a long and good talk, he decided that we will continue to talk about this, and perhaps put me in situations where I'm stressed and learn how to think in different ways. I will maybe also be given anti depressants, but not until we have found out more about what is the problem, and the best way to treat it. He said my symptoms and story gave the indication of PTSD, but that's not a diagnosis I have been given yet.

I will continue with my meditation practice, perhaps I could also give metta some more try, at least I could start the sessions with a few minutes of it.

RE: Could really need some help - incredibly frustrated.. at everything
Answer
9/29/15 8:39 AM as a reply to Joakim Bobbetibob.
Hi Joakim,

He said my symptoms and story gave the indication of PTSD, but that's not a diagnosis I have been given yet.


I was very surprised and resistant to the diagnosis of PTSD years ago; I also thought I haven't gone through anything very difficult to have PTSD. My therapist, who was a veteran from a war in the 70s, said, "I know. I compared myself to others, too. What matters is your brain is like soapstone and it's starting to use the same pathways over and over and over again like water carving out soapstone cliff channels and the channels of PTSD are replaying horrible moments. And you brain is now just increasingly habituated to going there. This is why you're dropping to the ground and finding yourself on the ground there like 'What just happened?'" He showed me pictures of brains on PTSD. That was very helpful to see how little of the brain is used in PTSD.

And those images were a caution: It's not healthy to use so little brain and to repeat the same negative mentation again and again when those mental states are stressful miserable: much smaller portions of brain seemed to be used and now there's an association with dementia and sustained stress.

This is not a threat to to fear, just a realization: just like of I type a lot and if I don't stretch, then I'll have tennis elbow and debiliating pain and motion.

Same with mind: there's has to be a gradual step-wise process to begin to move the brain from pain to well-being and that requires one's own personality to jump on board and do it despite the feeling of being a fraud, of "faking it".

Likewise, nearly everyone maybe wants to stop doing sit-ups and push-ups and sprints when first training, but it's our personality from which we just resolve, "Who cares how I look and feel? I'm doing these actions sincerely."

We create the change and the reward and the well-being and we can the extend that to others if we see apt occassions. 




So even without the diagnosis, knowing what you've written you could be aware (and it seems like you are) that maybe the brain is starting to use the same old/stressed pathways over and over and over again and that they are anxious/fearful/miserable/depressed/angry pathways repeating (I'm guessing, I'm NOT saying this is you). This is negative mental peseveration deepening. 




So what I've learned from listening to doctors, therapists and their co-healing patients a little is in the beginning, keep things simple: it's like going to the gym. Do a simple set provided by a source you trust and that feels good. If you work with someone, choose someone welcoming and understanding. You can even say, "I'm being evaluated for PTSD, and I really need to train in welcoming friendliness. Can you help me train in that?"

And if you go to no trainer or coach, be that one for you. Really, cultivate that receptive mind that says, "You bet. I'd love to. You're doing a great job. Let's take some measurements so you can see how far you'll have come in a month, three months, six months."[1]


Eventually, as the simple exercises build up new mental pathways (like muscles) a person self-activates into more training and opening.


So, years later I was started to tackle that, trust what he had said and, for me, I sat in front of trees a lot, enjoyed the breeze, the sky, the air; I enjoyed just sitting. I started to listen to people's words as if they were my words and to receive their words with relaxed friendliness (I might want to go back to that =). I did apply exercise (both runs and yoga and tai chi) And when I started anapanasati (inhale-exhale meditation) I cultivated the feeling of bodily pleasance just like a muscle group. I would think of a family member's hilarious out-of-control laughter and see how that felt in the body to recall them and then those calm pleasant feelings could come up in just the inhale-exhale without a trigger.


It doesn't matter if you are a veteran or not, here is an awesome video and it surprised me the most becuase he did this in 10 months.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qX9FSZJu448


And this for laughs:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ssXJtzFOjA
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[1] like Daniels' friend Nina's first point via Steve Young (shinzen) and John Power's Salzberg quote.