Part 2: Practicing in Rigpa
This is a continuation of my post. Originally I created a new thread but was asked to move it back to this one.
So after finding what I was certain was 'rigpa', as a second awareness arising, the first thing was making sure I could repeat the process. Yes, by using the same process of finding Alaya for Habits, 'rigpa' would arise naturally. I also noticed I could 'make' rigpa deeper and stronger by controlling attachment/grasping/mindfulness/conceptions and concentration. This gives the perception that 'rigpa' gets bigger and more pervasive, and that it comes spatially closer to my sense of 'self'. Doing this required energy; plus, there was a rubberband effect where the depth of 'rigpa' would just bounce back when energy decreased. Additionally, I noticed there was no 'baseline' change to the mind which is a core evidence of spiritual progress. I could see 'rigpa's' characteristic of perceiving emptiness and having compassion, but could not carry it out to normal life. In short, this state was not making any perceptibly permanent changes to the mind.
So, late on Day 5, I decided to 'merge' myself into 'rigpa'. It just felt like the right thing to do. At this point, there were two awarenesses, the self and 'rigpa' which in my perception occupies two different spatial locations in the mind. I can place awareness on the self and see things conventionally, or place awareness onto 'rigpa' which sees things as empty. By attemtping to merge the two, I poured in mental energy to deepen and widen 'rigpa' then imagine my 'self' and it come together. I felt as if the two became one, and I was now perceiving 'self' (usually seen as real & independently existing) using 'rigpa' with its perception of emptiness. The self 'disappeared' and there was a very strong purification effect. Strong particles of energy, described best as sankharas in the Theravadin tradition, were released with great force causing slight trembling in my head and body, very similar (in my experience) as when I went passed vipassanna stages 4 and 11 for the first times. After the meditation it felt like my mind has been relieved of a bit of weight. My perception was slightly different. There was a more 'dreamy' perception of objects off the cushion. In my belief, this is the sign of removing delusion and lessening the perception that objects are permanent. This became the first of many baseline changes on the retreat.
The other significant impact was that I could call up 'rigpa' at will without going through the exercise of finding the Alaya for Habits. I had direct access, or perhaps a low level 'rigpa' is constantly in the background of the mind. Now, with the ability to call up 'rigpa' on command, I found during sitting sessions that 'rigpa' had this enourmous ability to recognize defilements in the mind and immediately purify them. From here on out, the name of the game became the purification of defilements. For me, a meditation method is only useful if it removes craving, aversion, and delusion. No matter how much Emptiness I think I see or how many Buddhas appear in front of my eyes, if it does not purify the mind reducing the causes to create and feel suffering, it does not have value.
During my sitting sessions, I used 'rigpa' to purify the mind in several ways, depending on the quality of the sitting. In the most gross way, somehow 'rigpa' is able to make visible what I can call bundles of negative energy (AKA sankhara and defilements) all over the mind/body. These are bundles of negative energy particles that are self contained and just bounce around in large bump-like or even wall-like shapes. I encountered this often during regular vipassanna sittings. When you try to look closely at these energies, they push back with strong aversion. The more closely you look (take them as your awarness object), the more painful they feel. By trying to 'look' at them using 'rigpa's' awareness, the energy could dissapate immediately releasing those particles. Because there is little grasping or aversion in 'rigpa', those defilements have no more grasping/aversion energy to hold in place (my best explanation). Whenever a bundle of defilement energy is released, there is almost always an accompanying emotion felt at the same time. Some of the most difficult bundles I purified was accompanied by a deep feeling of sorrow, anguish, and guilt, something I was holding onto from long ago. Like this, many more were purified that had other associated feelings such as anger, regret, lust, and fear. It was actually amazing to experience the direct and gross purification of negativies in the mind.
I also want to note, the wall-like bundles of energy is almost exactly like the vipassanna stage #10 as described very well by MTCB. I even used Daniel Ingrams excellent advice for how to pass this stage on those defilements, by understanding that this is suffering and it is just a natural part of being human (or something like this).
Using this, I was able to purify very gross and 'hard' longstanding defilements in the mind and always felt better and lighter for it. I even found that a longstanding backpain that only manifests on retreats was directly tied to a deep bundle of defilements. When I 'looked' at that defilement bundle, the backpain sharply activated, like I was poking at the pain itself. As I purified the energy, the area in my pain felt sudden relief in proportion. This was my first experience that physical ailments can be tied directly to energies and defilements.
The other major way I purified the mind was more on the whole body/mind level. After purifying the grosser defilements, I found that 'rigpa' gets stronger and deeper with more purification. Here, I should clarify what 'deep' actually means. I think that there is another spatial dimension or axis that a meditation travels through. For example, when taking one position on my body, a point on the leg, or chest, or head, I can use vipassana to travel 'deeper' into or rise out along this axis and experience different objects. On the surface level I may feel physical sensations from the muscles or tissue, but I a deeper level, I can feel those energies, sankharas, or even chi/prana. So when I mean that 'rigpa' is deeper, it is along this axis of depth that penetrates deeply into the mind/body.
As 'rigpa' would deepen, its awareness would as well. As the awareness deepens, more bundles/walls of energy would be encountered. It seemed that 'rigpa' can only deepen until blocked by defilements. Those defilements would then have to be purified and 'rigpa' would continue to deepen until more is encountered. In good sittings, 'rigpa' was self purifying. I didn't have to put energy into releasing those sankharas. Instead, 'rigpa' would automatically loosen the energy, and then a mass of it would suddenly be released, 'flow up', and be accompanied by a dizzying array of negative emotions all at once. The mind would get lighter, 'rigpa' would continue to deepen and widen until it would hit another layer of defilements and repeat the process. This is what I would call the process of purification and became the main meditation during the rest of the retreat.
There is much more but I will stop here for now for thoughts.
There was definitely a baseline change after every purification. Until now, I never really understood what Goenka was saying about sankharas and all that. (Not all sensations are sankharas!) But here it is just like he described. When defilements are removed, they don't generate negative energy which turns into discursive thoughts. My concentration improved by 3-4 times by the end of the retreat because of the removal of defilements. When I got out of the retreat all things feel differently in much the same way as after 1st Path. The mind doesn't grasp as much as it used to. Things feel more dream-like, fluid, not so real. This is everything I hoped a good meditation method would do, purify the mind, reduce craving/aversion/delusion, and yes, reduce suffering which are caused by those defilements.
However, one thing that my 'rigpa' does not fit with after coming back and reading about it, is that I did not focus on 'rigpa' itself as traditionally described by Tibetan texts (the View, Path, Fruit of it all). I focused more on its purification effects. I don't think what I got is the same 'rigpa' as traditionally described or else the rigpa itself would be much more pervasive and overwhelming (I expect). I think what I got is something akin to a 'proto-rigpa', or a 'rigpa' that was mostly obscure. This is why I started using single quotes since my first post b/c I don't want to say it is rigpa absolutely.
What I can say is even to today, this 'rigpa' is getting much stronger with more purification and is becoming more pervasive as a whole, in direct proportion to the amount of defilements it has extinguished.
There is one more thing I should mention. Since I have been off retreat for almost 3 weeks, I have been doing just one to 1.5 hours sitting each day, but with even greater amount of purification and stronger 'rigpa'. Gone are the gross hard bundles of defilements. Now defilements arise as just a dense flow of energy particles varying in intensity and feel, but with the same nature of aversive feelings. Last week for a period of about 4 days, intense feelings of suffering began to arise. Spontaneous sensations of fear, sorrow, anguish, attachment, hopelessness, guilt, and regret were pouring out from the depths of my mind as 'rigpa' shined its light. The feel of the experience is very much the same as the Dark Knight stages (vipassanna stages 6-10), exept more spontaneous with varying negative feelings and without the shifts in stages. My experience of the DK stages were very light unlike what I read from others experiences. However, these feelings were about 5 to 10 times more intense, but bearable.
The reason they were bearable is that as those sensations arose, they were immediately purified and liberated by 'rigpa'. So I requested as much defilements to arise as possible to accelerate the process. During my work day, the negative sensations appeared as a sharp but mild headache. During sitting, the feeling was of heavy weight was being released. But the experience was very intensive and draining. It took a lot of mental energy to remain mindful of 'rigpa' while simutaneously experiencing and letting go of strong negative feelings. A few days ago, this negative 'layer' seems to have passed and the sensations are lighter in quality but still defiling.
As I progress, I am not sure what to expect. My mind gets better, my negativities slowly decrease, the feeling of natural emptiness as a perception gradually deepens. I don't think my 'rigpa' is the same level as what I read in the texts at this point. I am not even sure if it is the same at all to be honest, but I have confidence it is. It is doing something, in fact, it is doing exactly what I would want it to do, destroying my defilements and increasing my view of emptiness and non-self.
In fact, the mind of deep 'rigpa' I recognize now to be the same mind I get from completing the vipassanna stages, something I never really understood in the past. This is significant because I never experience cessation after Stage 11 as most people. What I experience is this...
So here ends my dzogchen attempt experience. Overall, I think I am still doing vipassanna practice, it just so happens 'rigpa' is present to just purify all the defilements that arise. And until this 'rigpa' becomes the full blown Tibetan version that just pervades everything, what its doing is just fine.
Finally, I don't understand everything myself except that things are going in the right direction. At least, I wanted to share this for whatever it is...
