Something has always been deeply wrong.

Stephen, modified 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 1:31 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 1:16 PM

Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 4 Join Date: 11/28/15 Recent Posts
I am 25 years old at present and have been meditating on and off for about 3 to 4 years, but never intensely. What I would like to know is, can one enter the dark-night without any meditation practice? Can one live in this space for years without losing their mind? The reason I ask this is that the way the dark-night is described is something I have experienced for years: fear, disgust, hopelessness, angst etc. At the age of about 12, I had many dreams and experiences of 'melting' into my surroundings, becoming one with everything, losing all sense of 'self' -- as a child, I never knew what these experiences meant, but they were blissful. At the age of about 14, I developed depersonalization (I had many migraines at this age and suffered from severe social-anxiety – I still do to this day).

As a child I also chose to spend days alone -- it was something I really loved. But something always felt a bit 'off' about existence. As a result of the depersonalization, I went to a psychiatrist for about 7 years, talking about my experiences and trying to resolve my mind. I went onto medication which didn't really help at all (SSRI's and Benzodiazepines are like sugar pills for me). I become largely dissatisfied with psychiatry and psychotherapy and this was when I started getting into hallucinogenic drugs for therapeutic purposes.

Given my mental-profile, doing hallucinogens would be considered a really bad move. However, I coped with them really well, all things considered. The general experience on hallucinogens were largely negative (ego death, extreme states of dissociation), but I coped with them, and attempted them over and over again to try to get to what was really going on with me. On them, I reached a state of equanimity (I assume) once (absolute calm, similar to the experiences from when I was a child). All in all, the maddening experiences on hallucinogenic drugs didn't really effect me much. In 2013, I underwent a surgery using general anesthesia. Upon waking up, I experienced closed eyed hallucinations and paranoia that lasted about a week – I really felt like I was losing my mind. This was as a result of the anesthesia or antibiotics doing something really messed up to my brain – the doctors never believed me, but when an experience coming out of surgery is more terrifying than a bad trip, there is definitely something going on in terms of a reaction. Weeks after this, I developed tinnitus in my left ear, and this sent me into a hopeless spiral for months.

Anyway, my faith in the medical, psychiatric and psychotherapy community was broken from this point on. Despite all this, I am currently finishing my studies on a mathematics degree and I generally do enjoy life some of the time. I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last few years and I generally felt intensely drawn to the notion that the self is an illusion (something I always instinctively knew). Buddhism, I felt, held the key. My meditation practice has never exceeded more than 20 minutes a day and my discipline is lousy.

I do however feel that I have faced true madness so many times that I kind of just no longer fear it. After meditating for a while, I realized that there was a deep feeling of fear, angst, disgust and hopelessness underlying my mind since the age of 14.Is it possible that I entered the dark-night as a child without even knowing it? If this is the case, how do I proceed from here? I have very little fear about entering dark spaces and unpleasant states. I feel a deep need to sort this out. There is an urgency to it. 
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Richard Zen, modified 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 2:22 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 2:21 PM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 1665 Join Date: 5/18/10 Recent Posts
It's pretty easy. Just keep meditating and your "dark night"/emotional baggage will interrupt your mediation. At this point you can psychologize it with CBT and challenge limiting beliefs, or you can continue letting go until the brain develops strong equanimity to the 3 characteristics of the universe. I would learn both. It's all about letting go of layers of resistance to the impermanence, disatisfaction, and limited life span we all have. The brain lets go in layers as it learns insights and then you should be developing useful goals based on good relationships with people and developing virtue in yourself.

Make sure you do a wet path of enjoying the breath. This should bring back the self a little bit but in a safer way where enjoyment of the breath is competing with external enjoyments. This can be done by making the breath comfortable continuously (more oxygen or less depending on what feels comfortable at the time) and then the attitude changes along with the breath. A comfortable breath means the mind becomes more comfortable. The goal is not to "erase" a self but to see how changeable it is based on what you condition it with. You can condition skills of all kinds and skillfulness is a very important part of the path. Look at the eight fold path and balance your practice out so it isn't too much of a dry mindfulness practice.

So yes something was wrong. Balance your practice and it will be right again.

Good luck!
Stephen, modified 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 3:56 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 3:06 PM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 4 Join Date: 11/28/15 Recent Posts
Richard Zen:
It's pretty easy. Just keep meditating and your "dark night"/emotional baggage will interrupt your mediation. At this point you can psychologize it with CBT and challenge limiting beliefs, or you can continue letting go until the brain develops strong equanimity to the 3 characteristics of the universe. I would learn both. It's all about letting go of layers of resistance to the impermanence, disatisfaction, and limited life span we all have. The brain lets go in layers as it learns insights and then you should be developing useful goals based on good relationships with people and developing virtue in yourself.

Make sure you do a wet path of enjoying the breath. This should bring back the self a little bit but in a safer way where enjoyment of the breath is competing with external enjoyments. This can be done by making the breath comfortable continuously (more oxygen or less depending on what feels comfortable at the time) and then the attitude changes along with the breath. A comfortable breath means the mind becomes more comfortable. The goal is not to "erase" a self but to see how changeable it is based on what you condition it with. You can condition skills of all kinds and skillfulness is a very important part of the path. Look at the eight fold path and balance your practice out so it isn't too much of a dry mindfulness practice.

So yes something was wrong. Balance your practice and it will be right again.

Good luck!

Hi, thanks for the response. I am becoming more and more aware that depite my knowledge of this ever changing self, I am still wrapped up in infantile ways of relating to the world and myself. I see the madness of it all, but I just can't let go of any of it. I am a highly cerebral person, yet my emotional side is like that of a frightened, abandoned child -- the dissociation I experience is definitely as a result of a hightened senstivity to my mental states. When I experience emotions, they tend to be overwhelming and I just shut off.

Also, what exactly is meant by a  'wet path' as apposed to a 'dry path'? Are there any meditation practices besides the breath-meditation that I should attempt? I've tried metta meditation but I find it hard to cultivate a sense of warmth and trust -- maybe I should continue though...

Again, thanks for the suggestions and tips.

Kind regards,

Stephen
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Richard Zen, modified 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 8:23 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 8:23 PM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 1665 Join Date: 5/18/10 Recent Posts
Stephen:
Richard Zen:
It's pretty easy. Just keep meditating and your "dark night"/emotional baggage will interrupt your mediation. At this point you can psychologize it with CBT and challenge limiting beliefs, or you can continue letting go until the brain develops strong equanimity to the 3 characteristics of the universe. I would learn both. It's all about letting go of layers of resistance to the impermanence, disatisfaction, and limited life span we all have. The brain lets go in layers as it learns insights and then you should be developing useful goals based on good relationships with people and developing virtue in yourself.

Make sure you do a wet path of enjoying the breath. This should bring back the self a little bit but in a safer way where enjoyment of the breath is competing with external enjoyments. This can be done by making the breath comfortable continuously (more oxygen or less depending on what feels comfortable at the time) and then the attitude changes along with the breath. A comfortable breath means the mind becomes more comfortable. The goal is not to "erase" a self but to see how changeable it is based on what you condition it with. You can condition skills of all kinds and skillfulness is a very important part of the path. Look at the eight fold path and balance your practice out so it isn't too much of a dry mindfulness practice.

So yes something was wrong. Balance your practice and it will be right again.

Good luck!

Hi, thanks for the response. I am becoming more and more aware that depite my knowledge of this ever changing self, I am still wrapped up in infantile ways of relating to the world and myself. I see the madness of it all, but I just can't let go of any of it. I am a highly cerebral person, yet my emotional side is like that of a frightened, abandoned child -- the dissociation I experience is definitely as a result of a hightened senstivity to my mental states. When I experience emotions, they tend to be overwhelming and I just shut off.

Also, what exactly is meant by a  'wet path' as apposed to a 'dry path'? Are there any meditation practices besides the breath-meditation that I should attempt? I've tried metta meditation but I find it hard to cultivate a sense of warmth and trust -- maybe I should continue though...

Again, thanks for the suggestions and tips.

Kind regards,

Stephen
The reason you feel disassociation is that you are not enjoying your practice. The wet path is using the enjoyment part of your mind with the breath. Just simply looking at the most basic enjoyable parts of your breath and what makes you enjoy the breath will keep you with the breath.

Instead of letting go and returning to the breath, let go and return to the breath by looking at enjoyable pain free parts of the body and savouring them. Try spreading the feeling as you concentrate on the pleasureable sides to other areas where there isn't pleasure. If there isn't pleasure there then relax muscles in those areas until you find pleasureable details to focus on.  Keep focusing on pleasure. Create pleasure also by smiling (even if it's fake for awhile).

With vipassana please don't "shut off" anything. Everything is impermanent so these emotions you don't like actually go away on their own if you let them do their thing and fade away naturally. Trying to stop them is aversion. What you resist persists. Bashing what you don't want in your head just creates Unwanted Intrustive Thoughts to return like a conditioned tape loop. Don't do it.
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Ian And, modified 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 11:51 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/29/15 11:37 PM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 785 Join Date: 8/22/09 Recent Posts
Hello Stephen,

The symptoms and condition you describe sound eerily familiar, and are fairly typical for person of your age. In other words, been there, done that. However, what would be more interesting to know about is your background with the buddhadhamma and the sincerity of your intention to delve deeper into it.

Stephen:

I am 25 years old at present and have been meditating on and off for about 3 to 4 years, but never intensely. What I would like to know is, can one enter the dark-night without any meditation practice?

Are you at all familiar with where the term "dark night" comes from? If you are, then maybe you can figure out the answer to your question without any further assistance. That term as it was part of the phrase "dark night of the soul" was used by a sixteenth century Carmelite priest, St. John of the Cross, in a poem he wrote about his spiritual angst and in a treatise he later wrote in commenting on the poem. It was the commentary on the poem that I read, seeking answers. As Wikipedia states: "The journey is called 'The Dark Night', because darkness represents the hardships and difficulties the soul meets in detachment from the world and reaching the light of the union with the Creator." Of course, this is from a Christian perspective, but it can be applied to any viewpoint, religious or non-religious. In other words, don't let the Christian dogma influence your thinking (in re: "union with the creator"). It could also be "in union with the light of truth."

Why do I mention this? Because the term, as it was originally used, was appropriated in contemporary times in order to describe a similar state in Dhamma training. Is it now clear for you to see that regardless of meditation or no meditation practice, the state exists no matter what its cause.

Stephen:

Can one live in this space for years without losing their mind? The reason I ask this is that the way the dark-night is described is something I have experienced for years: fear, disgust, hopelessness, angst etc.

So far, your experience seems to be proving your point re: not losing one's mind. That is, since you seem to be doing it, then obviously it is possible to do. How much longer you can hang on, though, is probably more to the point of your curiosity. And the answer to that is: as long as you can be mindful enough to resist it (i.e. losing your mind).

Stephen:

I am becoming more and more aware that depite my knowledge of this ever changing self, I am still wrapped up in infantile ways of relating to the world and myself. I see the madness of it all, but I just can't let go of any of it. I am a highly cerebral person, yet my emotional side is like that of a frightened, abandoned child -- the dissociation I experience is definitely as a result of a hightened senstivity to my mental states. When I experience emotions, they tend to be overwhelming and I just shut off.

Ah, and now we are introduced to the real nub of your conundrum. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of (it happens to all of us before we grow up and mature emotionally). However, it is nothing that a mere practice in meditation will be able to resolve all by itself. How do I know this? From experience.

Stephen:

If this is the case, how do I proceed from here?

As with so many others on this forum, you need to deal with the emotional immaturity first before you can begin making progress in your pursuit of a practice in the Dhamma.

Meditation coupled with contemplation about your condition may assist in this effort and should not be overlooked. However, what you really need to experience is a toughening up of your emotional stamina. And there are only a few ways of doing this, and none of them are very pleasant.

What worked for me was coming across a trainer who knew something about training men. He was the father figure I never had growing up. He put me through so many uncomfortable situations that I had to deal with, that eventually I learned how to rely upon my own judgment and ability to handle anything he threw at me. Was it scary? Of course it was. But he was always there to pick me up when I fell down, and helped me to understand the mistakes I made, and that was a big part of the trust I developed in his ability as a trainer. But eventually you have to kick the bird out of the nest and let it fend for itself.

You need to learn how to confront life head on without becoming anxious, and you need someone who can act as a drill sergeant to guide you through that process. I don't know what you are going to do, or how you are going to handle this, but these are the things you need to learn before you can begin to feel at ease with yourself. And then, and only then, can you begin to work on the spiritual side of the matter.

What you need to do right now is to seriously think about everything I've brought up, and figure out what you are willing to put up with in order to get yourself over your fear of life and living. You don't need a therapist. You need someone who is willing to help you get over your existential fears, and who also has your best interest in mind. I found it in a priest and in a religious order that I joined.

Just where you will find it, only you know. But you need to begin seriously thinking about all this, and figure out how you're going to handle it. Otherwise, you could stay stuck in the place you are presently in for an indeterminate period of time.

In peace,
Ian
Stephen, modified 8 Years ago at 11/30/15 2:00 AM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/30/15 2:00 AM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 4 Join Date: 11/28/15 Recent Posts
Ian And:


Are you at all familiar with where the term "dark night" comes from?


My first exposure to the term Dark-Night was by listening to podcasts with Daniel Ingram and others, which painted the Dark-Night as very much a spiritual issue in a meditative context, as apposed to generic depression or anxiety. I see now from your explanation that the term is rather broad and subtle.

Ian And:

However, what would be more interesting to know about is your background with the buddhadhamma and the sincerity of your intention to delve deeper into it.
Before any kind of spiritual exploration, I had been submerged into the philosophy-of-mind for years. This lead to a massive existential angst that is slowly fading over time. I independently came to many of the realizations of human nature and existence found in Buddhism, except I came to be aware of them through a dry, cognitive space with no spiritual backing. As you can imagine, this can be a scary space.

My first exposure to Eastern thought came through Alan Watts. I was awe-struck by his messages and their sincerity. For the first time in my life, I realized that 'I' am not my emotions. I realized that they are transitory, ethereal and essentially harmless. I do not want to understate how important this knowledge is to me. Finally, this allowed me to 'see' that I am subject to conditioning. Following this, I went through a period where my social anxiety was largely gone -- anxiety was there, but there was a strength and a motivation to overcoming it. My existential angst that stemmed from philosophy was also largely put to rest. However, upon finding out that Mr. Watts died from excessive alcohol consumption, I felt that his messages were empty -- I know I shouldn't attack the messanger, but that's how it played out for me at the time.

Following this I came to Buddhism, since this was were Alan Watts got most of his inspiration, I believe. The Theravada Buddhist teachings seemed very mystical and beautiful at the time, but unfortunately I became aware of the hell-realms and other notions in the Dogma that I really couldn't accept. I am first and foremost a rational person, and there are certain things I can't just force myself to believe.

All these exposures lead me on to secular Buddhism and I started reading Stephen Batchelor and others. However, at this point my trust in spiritual practice was wavering. I realized that so many of these so called 'teachers' were as corrupt as the average man. I came across Daniel Ingram claiming to have reached enlightenment and just thought, "Well, here's another lying sociopath trying to get a herd of followers".

However, upon listening to him, I found that he really knew what he was talking about. His dry, to the bones approach to spirituality frightened me initially, but his honesty grew on me.

So here I am, posting this message. Truth be told, the only reason I am going down this path is because I feel it is the only one left. My need for spiritual practice is stronger than ever, but I feel that finding a 'good teacher' is close to impossible. The Buddha talked about doubt being one of the five hindrances, and it is strong in me now. 

Ian And:

As with so many others on this forum, you need to deal with the emotional immaturity first before you can begin making progress in your pursuit of a practice in the Dhamma.

This is my problem. I feel as if I have had insights far too severe, given my emotional space. When this happens, a split can form in ones personality leading to a very fractured individual.

Ian And:

Meditation coupled with contemplation about your condition may assist in this effort and should not be overlooked. However, what you really need to experience is a toughening up of your emotional stamina. And there are only a few ways of doing this, and none of them are very pleasant.


Thanks, I needed to hear this. I have always had a subconscious attitude that suffering was inherently a bad thing. I am slowly coming to realize that it is sometimes essential for spiritual growth, when navigated correctly. I find that this is a rather secular community and part of the reason I came here is for genuine guidance as to how to proceed. There is valuable information here, so thank you.
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Ian And, modified 8 Years ago at 11/30/15 5:44 PM
Created 8 Years ago at 11/30/15 5:26 PM

RE: Something has always been deeply wrong.

Posts: 785 Join Date: 8/22/09 Recent Posts
Hello Stephen,

You are welcome.

Stephen:

Thanks, I needed to hear this.

That right there, the sentiment in what you just wrote, is what is going to ensure that you succeed in your endeavor, providing you receive the correct guidance and support for your practice. As long as one is willing to take a good long and honest hard look at themselves, and are willing to make certain necessary adjustments to their view of reality (which they can objectively corroborate from direct personal experience, so it's not simply reprogramming the mind but integrating what you have witnessed as being true) they will eventually arrive at the same or similar realizations that Gotama spoke about in his recorded discourses. But the person has to be honest with themselves and willing to make corrections and adjustments to the way they view things. That is what lessens, and eventually eliminates, the major portion of things that cause dukkha. And one's practice in mindfulness prevents these nuisances from arising to cause trouble again at some future time.

Stephen:

My first exposure to Eastern thought came through Alan Watts.

Now we're on the same page. I have, and have read, all his books. The one that was most helpful in the beginning was The Wisdom of Insecurity, A Message for an Age of Anxiety. There are so many golden nuggets of insight in that book that it is difficult to downplay its importance. But the reader has to be prepared to dive into the nuances of what he discusses in order to realize them all.

I came upon his works in used-book stores (even though I had heard of them before, but never looked into them) after I left the religious order I had joined. It was just as well that I waited to read him, because at the time I began reading his works I was ready to hear and to confirm the truth about which he wrote. I had gathered enough life experience to be able to separate what was true from what was not. I was also interested in studying his writing style; but that's a story for another time.

Watts, however, was not my first exposure to Eastern thought and philosophy. I had taken a course in comparative religions in college, and came away from that experience with a much deeper appreciation for and interest in learning more about Hinduism, Taoism, and of course what I knew at the time to be termed as being "Buddhism." Watts' writing, though, helped to open the door a bit wider into an authentic understanding of the Dhamma. The definition he offered for the Sanskrit term nirvana (nibbana in Pali) not only made sense but was something that spurred my further interest in being able to obtain a realistic and workable definition for the other main terms being expressed in the Pali Canon in reference to the Dhamma. How else is one to discover the true intent of his message.

What ignited my interest in revisiting a study of the buddhadhamma after leaving the order was a sincerely honest-in-its-intent passage from the Kalama Sutta which I read in a book by Nancy Ross Wilson titled Three Ways of Asian Wisdom. The brief passage from the sutta impressed me enough that I wanted to read more about what this man Siddhattha Gotama taught from his own direct perspective (as it was preserved in the recorded documentation of his discourses in the Pali Canon) rather than the perspective of those contemporary "teachers" who were being promoted in the media as professing to educate others about "Buddhism" in contemporary society. At one point I dropped everything else I was reading on "Buddhism" and focused solely on the translated discourses found in the [url=]Wisdom Publication editions.

This is what lead to an urgent necessity to purchase and read the authentic translations by actual practitioners of the discourses of the Buddha rather than Westerner writers who were not practitioners themselves attempting to translate the original intent. I figured that as long as I could figure out what the original intent of his message was that I could practice it and achieve it. Because I had already been introduced to parts of it by my former mentor. So it was not foreign to me.

Stephen:

However, upon finding out that Mr. Watts died from excessive alcohol consumption, I felt that his messages were empty...

Don't be so quick to draw assumptions. They are empty, but in a different manner than what you seem to be implying. Upon reading his autobiography (as well as one other very insightful biography), I noticed the flaw in Watts' personality that caused him to go down the road that he travelled toward the middle and end of his life. It had to do with the fact that he never really practiced what he was writing about. He of course had an intellectual understanding of the teachings he wrote about (and did meditate but not consistently), yet that is not the same as having integrated those teachings into one's personality. That is where he fell down. He never allowed himself to become a student of any authentic practitioner, even though he had opportunities to do so. He was too distrustful and wary; and with good reason. Although ultimately it ended up sending him to an early grave.

In fact, his life story so paralleled my former mentor's life that it was very easy for me to see and to understand what likely happened to Watts. A similar thing happened to my mentor. I wrote a review of Watts' autobiography on Amazon several years ago (in addition to reviewing a few other books of his). You can find it at In My Own Way.

Stephen:
IanAnd:

As with so many others on this forum, you need to deal with the emotional immaturity first before you can begin making progress in your pursuit of a practice in the Dhamma.

This is my problem. I feel as if I have had insights far too severe, given my emotional space. When this happens, a split can form in ones personality leading to a very fractured individual.

The split in personality that you are writing about is chronicled in Watts' book Psychotherapy East and West. It is what was labeled at the time as the "double bind." There is a discussion beginning toward the end of page 39 (1961 hard cover edition; pages 51-52 of my 1969 softcover edition) in the chapter "Society and Sanity," where he states:

Alan Watts:
Here, then, is a major contradiction in the rules of the social game. The members of the game are to play as if they were independent agents, but they are not to know that they are just playing as if! It is explicit in the rules that the individual is self-determining, but implicit that he is so only by virtue of the rules. Furthermore, while he is defined as an independent agent, he must not be so independent as not to submit to the rules which define him. Thus he is defined as an agent in order to be held responsible to the group for 'his' actions. The rules of the game confer independence and take it away at the same time, without revealing the contradiction.

This is exactly the predicament which Gregory Bateson calls the 'double bind,' where the individual is called upon to take two mutually exclusive courses of action and at the same time is prevented from being able to comment on the paradox. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't, and you mustn't realize it. Bateson has suggested that the individual who finds himself in a family situation which imposes the double-bind upon him in an acute form is liable to schizophrenia. For if he cannot comment on the contradiction, what can he do but withdraw from the field? Yet, society does not allow withdrawal; the individual must play the game. As Thoreau said, wherever you may seek solitude men will ferret you out 'and compel you to belong to their desparate company of oddfellows.' Thus in order to withdraw the individual must imply that he is not withdrawing, that his withdrawal is happening, and that he cannot help himself. In other words, he must 'lose his mind' and become insane.

So don't necessarily give up on Watts' as an occasional source of information and insight. There are credible explanations about contemporary society and psychology there that you won't easily find anywhere else.

Stephen:

However, at this point my trust in spiritual practice was wavering. I realized that so many of these so called 'teachers' were as corrupt as the average man. I came across Daniel Ingram claiming to have reached enlightenment and just thought, "Well, here's another lying sociopath trying to get a herd of followers".

However, upon listening to him, I found that he really knew what he was talking about. His dry, to the bones approach to spirituality frightened me initially, but his honesty grew on me.

I'm not a follower of Daniel nor did I base my practice on any of the advice which he dispenses in his book, which is based on the Mahasi Sayadaw style of training. By the time I came upon Daniel, I was already nearing the end of my time in samsara. I look upon him as a kindred spirit and colleague. We just chose different paths to reach a similar goal. And I praise him for coming out with his book when he did because he helped to break the syndrome of dogmatic drivel that was appearing on the Internet in "Buddhist" forums at that time (circa 2005). There were (and likely still are) many there who see him as a heretic and false messenger of the "true Dharma" whether it be in Theravada or Mahayana Buddhist forums. But if you go through the same program as he put himself through, you will find that it works just fine.

His promoting of a hardcore Dharma is good for the practice. Because it begins to open people's eyes to what can actually be accomplished within that disciplined approach. Daniel is the real deal. There are also many other "real deals" out there that you may never hear about. They've just decided to take a lower profile approach, and don't advertise their availability. But they are there.

And just to address this point, which I think you already understand, I don't think that Daniel is looking for followers. He's got enough on his plate just being an MD in a hospital emergency room. He just wants to share what he has learned about the practice with others who are seeking an authentic and viable pathway to the end of suffering (preferably in this lifetime). I think I'm pretty safe in saying that he doesn't want to be anyone's guru. If what he has to share with you helps you, fine. But that's about as far as it goes. The rest is up to you.

Nothing is easy about the practice. But it also isn't as impossible to achieve the final goal in this lifetime as many more orthodox "Buddhist" groups attempt to assert, is the message he's hoping that people take away.

Stephen:

So here I am, posting this message. Truth be told, the only reason I am going down this path is because I feel it is the only one left. My need for spiritual practice is stronger than ever, but I feel that finding a 'good teacher' is close to impossible. The Buddha talked about doubt being one of the five hindrances, and it is strong in me now.

Once you begin to see and learn what Gotama actually taught, you will recognize that you have found a home. The Dhamma and Vinaya isn't a religion. It has been made into a religion by political factions seeking to maintain control of men's minds. If you study the discourses, you will come across evidence that Gotama never intended his Dhamma to become a religion, with all the trappings of personality abuse that go with that. This is why I encourage people to read the translated discourses. It puts a whole new perspective on what they thought they knew about the doctrine and the practice. (In fact, I'm working on an essay to explain this very point, titled "The Doctrine Of No Religion.")

As far as finding a 'good teacher' or guide goes, yes, at first it can be discouraging. But you have the advantage of the Internet, where there are more possibilities for coming across someone than you might think. You just have to keep your eyes open and your intuition attuned in order to recognize them. And then, get up the gumption to ask them.

Stephen:

Thanks, I needed to hear this. I have always had a subconscious attitude that suffering was inherently a bad thing. I am slowly coming to realize that it is sometimes essential for spiritual growth, when navigated correctly.

That is a very insightful comment re: suffering being essential for spiritual growth. If you keep that in mind every time you become frightened or upset by something that you are learning, then it should help you to stay the course. Also, recognizing that all dhammas (including phenomena which may upset you) are impermanent.

In peace,
Ian

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