I have posted a couple of times, but I haven’t had anything meaningful to contribute until now. This is a very abbreviated practice history – so abbreviated that it seems ridiculous writing it. But I know I have to write something.
For the past three years or so, I have been practicing (daily) what I thought was Insight Meditation. I practice between 1 and 2 hours a day by habit. I also practice during regular waking hours just noting as often as I can. I have attended many weekend retreats, but nothing longer.
I started practicing by following the sensations of the breath at the nostrils and found, in retrospect, that my concentration skills were quite good. Within about 4 to 5 months of practice I became very concentrated following the breath and inevitably ended up in jhanic states involving bliss, joy and other jhanic factors. However, I could not relate my experience to the insight stages and concepts referred to in the MCTB. In fact, I could never quite understand how one could focus to such a degree to see minute phenomena and NOT become concentrated into a jhanic like state. I did not (do not?) understand Insight practice.
I have had two peak, mind blowing experiences – the first in July of 2013 and the next in July of 2014. The latter event was profound and resulted in some type of biological/biochemical change - Amygdala activity reduced maybe.
Other than those peak experiences, I cannot identify discreet cycles like those described by Daniel in MCTB. I didn’t feel like I had any Insight and reading descriptions of Insight practice was befuddling. Moreover, for the past year, my predominate experience off the cushion (and on the cushion too at times) had been increasingly irritating vibratory phenomena originating from bodily functions. So, for the past year, my practice has been mostly open monitoring. I just sat there with attention as wide as possible watching phenomena come and go. Sometimes, I became carried away by “thoughts.” Sometimes I did not. If I tried to concentrate closely, I would get bogged down in difficult raptures and strange bodily sensations like magnetic undulations throughout the body. I just could not meditate anymore and I did not understand “Insight.”
Recently, I read Culdasa’s new book and carefully re-read MCTB 1 and 2. After doing so, I determined that I had no clue what Insight meditation really was. I definitely did not have a good understanding of the “Mind and Body” experience as described by Daniel. I also determined that I did not understand the concept of meditation “content.” Meditators are instructed to ignore “content” and keep following the breath. I thought content meant solely your “stuff” and thoughts about your “stuff.” Since I was not thinking about my stuff on the cushion, I thought I was practicing effectively and ignoring content.
After reading Culdasa’s book, it occurred to me that “content” may not only include the thoughts to which the mind is often drawn, but may also include the vibratory sensations (body or mind?) that were producing all of these weird, energetic, body distorting, phenomena during meditation. Mind. Body. Content. Body or Mind? Very Confusing.
Potential Insight No. 1:
I decided to do something NEW and DIFFERENT (HA!) – follow the breath. This morning I resolved to actually pay careful attention to the sensations of the breath at the nostrils – no matter what. My concentration is good and the sensations at the nostrils very quickly became non-conceptual blips. Next, the breath at the nostrils became faint and I “sank.” I went through a stage in which my lips seemed huge (This is the point where I would formerly get bogged down and change my attention to the whole body bliss). This time, I found the breath in the chest and followed it until broke up into vibrations. I then found the “breath” sensations at the nostrils again and broadened the experience to include the whole body and all of the “externally” originating phenomena. The experience was very broad and peaceful (equanimity?). The whole body was a vibrating, ephemeral nothing merged with everything else. I even recognized sensations that would have been pain, but I was not bothered. The mind just created a different shape and flavor of vibrations that would be pain. Thoughts, the breath, sounds, all sensations, everything was just vibrations on the same plane. I continued to follow the breath at the nostrils, but I was able to experience everything at once. At this point, I remembered Daniel’s formal practice instruction in MCTB 2 - to consider sensations of Self as “Over There.” Something about this instruction nagged at me from the beginning. Now, I believe that the instruction points to the problem rather than any fundamental truth. The mental projections of bodily vibrations are perceived as a barrier. I believe I had a deep insight as to how the mind creates duality. There is no “Over There.” It is all one vibrating field inside and out. No separate self. The mind creates a fictitious “Over There” barrier, but the fiction seems to be useful if you know it’s there and how it works. I finally slipped in between vibrations and the field narrowed into nothingness – it was quite pleasant on return. I thought I had profound insight into how things “really are” (1 hour 15 min. total).Potential Insight No. 2:
About 5 minutes later, I realized that everything I described above is more mind generated content – no more meaningful or important than bodily sensations and “thoughts” arising due to my “stuff.” Confused. Things are not “really” any particular way. Where does this stop?
