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stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?

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Hello together,

my name is Melvin, I am 29 years old and from Germany. Im not very good in speaking english, thus there will be maybe some misunderstandings produced in my postings. Furthermore this is a very emotional issue for me and  btw iv got serious concentration problems.

B2T: I did my 4th Vipassana-Course 2013 (third S. N. Goenka course) in belgium. As I could red in some other posts from Kundalini-experiencers, I was also very engaged and motivated to overcome old residues of suffering. I went into the sittings with a highly investment of energy, I was struggling for fast progresses. I used the breaks for meditation, too. During the nights i was going on scanning my body or concentrating on my breath and so on.

At the sixth day dharmatalk, I already reached the fourth nana, my mind was very clear and focussed and I was observing a lot of pressure moving through my head and face. While I listened to Goenkas speech, it was like I am leaving my body into a deep black sphere, very hard to explain, just like blackness what was absorbing me. So I began "falling" deeper and deeper but developed in one second a terrible fear of losing controll or getting destroyed or what else. In that moment I accelerated skywards, while I felt a heavy heart beat and perspired a lot.  Iv got to say, that similar things happend to me before. But I will talk later about it.

After that, I used to "stay" on the surface, although my mind sometimes tryed to "escape" the usal ground of awareness and went into "other spheres". I could underpress it.

But within a group-sitting on the 8th day the following happened: I sat and observed my face, where still was a great moving pressure, very unpleasent and painfull. Sometimes it moved into my teeths, where it began to hurt immediately. But then suddenly an overhelming sensation like a "burning wall" dashed from my lower body up into my head and the pressure of my whole body moved inside my head, like in my brain. In that moment my legs and arms became deaf, I just thought that is a stroke and of course my death. I developed a big panic attack but tryed to stay quiet cause of the other meditators. A kind of battle started in me, I tryed to end up that sensation and accomplish to drag that pressure out. That produced the following sensation: The pressure was again in my face and head and reached an intense like a vice. I thought my head will get squashed. I could hear my bones and theeths crunching. After that sitting, I walked around the area, totally desperated, caus the feeling did not end.

To make it quick: it didnt end yet. Just its intense became lower after that retreat. First it was just growing when I was meditating. So i stopped meditation after several years. It was like I lost my save island.
Then it "attacked" me in my daily life. First only when i was stressed or had any kinds of negative emotions (aggression, fear, sadness..). Then it became manifested and chronical. I also developed a lot of burning pain in my muscles and bones, like I have a very high fever. In the sequel I got depressed, sleepless, very sick, thin, at last a real wreck.

I made another retreat in 2015 where i could explore that the pressure is produced by muscle contractions and tensions. My head got pulled in different directions like at people who are suffering under dystonia. But I can "stop" it, what creates that tremendous pressure in face and head.
While that retreat 2015 the muscle contractions also began in my tounge, nose, later in my chest, arms and legs. If I let it be, my body was moving from right to left and left to right, most of the time very slow, sometimes faster. It really reminds me on hospitalism or kind of spasm.

At the end of that retreat (Mahasi Sayadaw btw) I could see inside my mind and recognize an unbelievable big  balk of fear. My teacher called it "dharma-fear" like nothing from this world.

After that retreat I heard from Kundalini. I met a lot of different Vipassana-teachers and Yogis and a tibetean doctor. Of course i let check my body by doctors who are talking about an organic tic and assume a systematic metabolic disorder.

What i forgot: I have a long career of being seriously sick, experiencing much pain and death-fear. Before that I was in Thailand 2009 and made my first Vipassana-course. It was the happiest and deepest experience in my entire life. Unfortenately I thought that stability and joy will never end. In the same year I had heart-problems and recieved an operation with a traumatic episode (had to stay awake). In the sequel I developed a heart-neurosis. 2011 was my second retreat where I had extraordinary A&P symptoms. The pressure, what I today feel in my head and face, was then more intensly in my chest. But I felt better after that retreat.

2012 I made my third retreat. Again I had that chest-pressure, but I started to realise, that I could move it. Just through scanning my body from feed to head, I always moved a short part of that pressure upstairs. At  the end it was in my head..... And my heart-neurosis was healed, but....

I used to meditate 2 hours a day, in the morning and in the night. Among 2012 and 2013 I felt okay. My equanimity growed and caus of my metta-practice I became more compassionate. But sometimes I had these special moments, where my mind walked away from the usual place of awareness (like body and thoughts) into that endless deep black whole. Sometimes just a few seconds until it stopped. Sometimes even longer, but I always aborted caus of that very scarry impression.

I really hope, someone can understand what i have written. I just typed and typed and used my dictionary for this and that word. Sorry for any mistakes. I am so very tired.

With much metta,

Melvin

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/29/16 9:19 AM as a reply to Melvin.
hallo Melvin und wilkommen im DHO Forum!
i'm currently in retreat and so can't really go on at length but all of what you are describing, aside from your medical issues, are well known in meditation circles.

the fear you are describing is not uncommon and at some point needs to be either faced or worn down gradually through building trust in your ability to overcome it.  it sounds as though your retreat experiences are a little too intense and pushing you past your comfort zone too quickly.  2-3 hours a day is a lot of practice as well so my advice would be to build an even / steady practice which avoids the intensity that is causing you to stumble.

i too am in germany and after retreat we could certainly talk if you like.

cheers

tom

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/29/16 11:02 AM as a reply to Melvin.
Hi, Melvin, If you are looking for a kundalini therapist, who speaks both English and German, here is one: http://www.taraspringett.com/sessions/kundalini-healing

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/30/16 3:14 AM as a reply to Melvin.
one of the best sites for my answers came from Kundalini Care.    Joan Shivarpita Harrigan heads things up and i've just ordered her book.  This looked of so much value that i was thinking of leaving Australia and doing one of her USA retreats....thats providing i got past the very fullsome application process.  She has a lot of credibility for me.....been around a long time.  No johnny come lately here........

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/30/16 11:22 AM as a reply to Derek.
Derek:
Hi, Melvin, If you are looking for a kundalini therapist, who speaks both English and German, here is one: http://www.taraspringett.com/sessions/kundalini-healing


Hi Derek, i already contacted Tara one or two years ago. After she assured me her support, i didnt hear anything again from her, except requests to vote for her book at amazon. Anyway thanks for your advice!

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/30/16 11:33 AM as a reply to tom moylan.
tom moylan:
hallo Melvin und wilkommen im DHO Forum!
i'm currently in retreat and so can't really go on at length but all of what you are describing, aside from your medical issues, are well known in meditation circles.

the fear you are describing is not uncommon and at some point needs to be either faced or worn down gradually through building trust in your ability to overcome it.  it sounds as though your retreat experiences are a little too intense and pushing you past your comfort zone too quickly.  2-3 hours a day is a lot of practice as well so my advice would be to build an even / steady practice which avoids the intensity that is causing you to stumble.

i too am in germany and after retreat we could certainly talk if you like.

cheers

tom


Thanks Tom, nice to meet you here. Yes, I past my comfort zone. Ill try to find back to a steady practice without struggling, forcing and so on. Hope we can talk extensive after your retreat. cheers!

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/30/16 11:35 AM as a reply to Stuie Law.
Stuie Law:
one of the best sites for my answers came from Kundalini Care.    Joan Shivarpita Harrigan heads things up and i've just ordered her book.  This looked of so much value that i was thinking of leaving Australia and doing one of her USA retreats....thats providing i got past the very fullsome application process.  She has a lot of credibility for me.....been around a long time.  No johnny come lately here........


I will resarch into Joan Shivarpita Harrigan. Whats  the name of her book?

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
3/31/16 4:39 AM as a reply to Melvin.
Kundalini Vidya

The Science of Spiritual Transformation

ISDN  0971012881

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/4/16 12:30 AM as a reply to Melvin.
You might also find relevant information on Jana Dixon's website Biology of Kundalini : www.biologyofkundalini.com

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/5/16 5:21 PM as a reply to Jean B..
I had to log in and say how cool the link you posted is good Jean ! ;) thank you!

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/6/16 9:26 AM as a reply to Melvin.
The endless black hole is very familiar. And the sensation of total alienness and weirdness at times. What you describe has happened to me as well, a couple of times seemingly. The last time was a couple of days ago and felt like a death but something still despairing and grasping at identity somehow. There's like a mix of despair, grief and fear of total annihilation. The mind keeps referring to that past experience subtly, keeps thinking about how horrible it is. And it makes it seem like the absolute truth or ground of reality is this void which feels like the loneliest hell or something. And it feels like it's truthfully the actual reality (which it really isn't, it's just a thought made state that the mind refers to).

Anyway, sometimes that alien terror energy comes up but then there has been the noticing or a thought which seems to say "Suffering is optional" and "It's okay." Then this sensation just dissipates somehow, although the old identity isn't there waiting on the other side. Anyway, that anxiousness is the mind. It's not the ultimate truth although it seems like it when there is resistance. That anxious sensation can be welcomed in a way. When the openness for it is there then the suffering immediately releases. Just to stay without thoughts about it and let it be as long as it is there. I know it feels absolutely hopeless and dark and it feels like it's the final "place" that has been stumbled upon by accident but all that is just thought-made state which is not actually true, just a primal belief in a way labeling this perceived energy.

How is it feeling now btw?

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/8/16 11:48 AM as a reply to Robert.
Robert:
The endless black hole is very familiar. And the sensation of total alienness and weirdness at times. What you describe has happened to me as well, a couple of times seemingly. The last time was a couple of days ago and felt like a death but something still despairing and grasping at identity somehow. There's like a mix of despair, grief and fear of total annihilation. The mind keeps referring to that past experience subtly, keeps thinking about how horrible it is. And it makes it seem like the absolute truth or ground of reality is this void which feels like the loneliest hell or something. And it feels like it's truthfully the actual reality (which it really isn't, it's just a thought made state that the mind refers to).

Anyway, sometimes that alien terror energy comes up but then there has been the noticing or a thought which seems to say "Suffering is optional" and "It's okay." Then this sensation just dissipates somehow, although the old identity isn't there waiting on the other side. Anyway, that anxiousness is the mind. It's not the ultimate truth although it seems like it when there is resistance. That anxious sensation can be welcomed in a way. When the openness for it is there then the suffering immediately releases. Just to stay without thoughts about it and let it be as long as it is there. I know it feels absolutely hopeless and dark and it feels like it's the final "place" that has been stumbled upon by accident but all that is just thought-made state which is not actually true, just a primal belief in a way labeling this perceived energy.

How is it feeling now btw?

Thanks for sharing that with me. For me, anxiety is the biggest obstacle to let myself in for moving through that blackness. A lot of times I felt very "prepared" before the descent began. But then my fear overpowered me.

I am not well at the moment. Feeling heavy, faint and have a lot of painattacks. Espacially in the lower spine. It feels like someone rams a dagger into my bag. Morover my head preassure is torturing me and yesterday, while taking a bath, my legs began to vibrate intensely.

Trying to look forward.. And I am appreciating this Forum.

regards, melvin

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/8/16 12:08 PM as a reply to Melvin.
Melvin:

Thanks for sharing that with me. For me, anxiety is the biggest obstacle to let myself in for moving through that blackness. A lot of times I felt very "prepared" before the descent began. But then my fear overpowered me.

I am not well at the moment. Feeling heavy, faint and have a lot of painattacks. Espacially in the lower spine. It feels like someone rams a dagger into my bag. Morover my head preassure is torturing me and yesterday, while taking a bath, my legs began to vibrate intensely.

Trying to look forward.. And I am appreciating this Forum.

regards, melvin

It would be good not to try and plow through anything. And also not to do anything that excites the energy, not even meditation necessarily. It needs to be grounded. It's not actually about getting through the fear but meeting what there has been the fear of. Just not trying to avoid anything, and also not trying to make anything happen.

And maybe this reminder is of some value:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCi9e58BNnk

RE: stucked in anxiety after painfull kundalini activity?
Answer
4/8/16 10:25 PM as a reply to Melvin.
Melvin:
Hello together,

my name is Melvin, I am 29 years old and from Germany.
lesen Sie dies - Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha in German (DIE KERNLEHREN DES BUDDHAS MEISTERN), translated by Bernhard Payr and Michael Zeh.
beginnen mit Seite 127

Viel Glück
~D