John's Body Scan Practice Log

John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 10:18 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 10:14 AM

John's Body Scan Practice Log

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
To start, this is my first post on dharmaoverground despite spending time reading MCTB and forum topics almost daily for the last couple of years. Thank you to Daniel and everyone who makes this community what it is! I recently went on my first retreat, made some real changes in my life and progress along the path, and am excited to share my experiences and get comments and help as I continue forward.

A quick overview of my practice pre-retreat.  I was introduced to tai chi and began a sitting meditation about 12 years ago in high school, which I found generally helpful in terms of concentration, and lessening fatigue and headaches. I am a musician, and noticed more general benefits in helping out my creativity as a jazzer.  I continued practice off and on, having periods of several months or so with daily 30 minute sits.  My interest in meditation once again peaked a couple years back in grad school, when I started working on ways of combining mindfulness with music listening/playing, sort of in an MBSR vein. That helped me stay committed to a daily 45-60 minute practice the last two years, mostly with a focus on concentration.  I did pursue jhanic states for about 6-9 months in there with not much luck, however, the experiences helped me learn how to get fairly solid access concentration.  

I decided about 6 months ago to switch to a vipassana-focused practice by doing sitting/walking meditations and noticing impermance, in sensations of the breath or feet, as quickly and accurately as possible. I started noticing some pulsation-sensations in the area of the nostrils, and figured I was approaching cause and effect area, but didn't make any more real progress. That is, until I had time to commit to a 10-day Goenka retreat that I recently returned from. In an effort to remember/share my retreat experiences and also join the dharmaoverground community, I decided to do this post. I think I'll break up the posts in terms of the four vippasana jhanas as I think I experienced them. With all of the varying views here and the big focus on noting, it seems like describing the path of insight in terms of sensations during body scanning could be helpful to some extent.

I'll emphasize that I am a beginner in all of this, so I don't mean to come off as any way but excited about vipassana, transparant about my practice, and hopeful to continue to progress in terms of discovering truth/who-I-am/compassion/gratitude/all-of-the-good-stuff on and off the cushion.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 10:36 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 10:36 AM

First vipassana jhana

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
The first four days of the retreat I hung out in the first vipassana jhana, although the three stages aren't extremely distinct for me. Starting out, I resolved that I would work consistently every chance I got, and that I would use every moment to meditate or assist in meditation - eating/napping/sleeping for energy, and the rest of the time on the cushion in the hall where I wouldn't fall asleep.

The first three days are spent watching physical sensations of the breath with an increasingly smaller area of focus.  On day three I decided to narrow my focus to the little crook under my nose/above the upper lip, about 1/2 an inch wide, because, according to Goenka, the smaller the area the sharper the focus.  My mind had quieted down by day 2, so most of the time on the cushion was spent working with few distractions.  I was excited to possibly explore some jhanic states when I found out about the inital focus on concentration, which hopes weren't fulfilled as I focused more on the subtle sensations felt in that area, and the rapid changes/impermance of them.  Went through different sensations of pulsation, feeling like the mind/head area was expanding and contracting with the breath, and general tingly sensations.

On day four we started the body scanning technique - noticing any sensations, gross or subtle, as we had earlier under the nostril but this time throughout the body, and doing so with equanimity by noticing the impermance/constant changes of those sensations.  Two experiences stand out on day four.  The first happened while scanning the head. I would scan an area like the scalp, keep noticing the sensations there while adding sensations of the face by tracing thick lines across each area with my attention, adding in the back of the head, and then adding sensations inside the head.  Once my whole head was filled with tingly sensations, a verbal thought popped into my mind, and I was able to place it spatially somewhere outside of my head. Although I had already sensed my thoughts as separate before, this time it was much clearer that when I heard thoughts of 'myself' talking to myself I could place them anywhere in my aural field, and that thoughts were simple using the sense of hearing to portray a softer version of sensation. By drawing up visual and tactile and other memories, I could see how the mind simply uses the 5 senses to inform the 6th sense of thinking. The other experiences I found very helpful were the addhitana sits, or sits of strong determination - basically trying to sit for one hour with no movement.  I didn't mind sitting in intense pain after a couple of them because I noticed that they were jump starting my equanimity, by noticing sensations that make up the pain, and being able to continue body scanning despite background or intense pain.

In terms of the body scanning, it was slow, required a lot of patience, and would often feel like my brain was twisting in different ways to discover sensations in a previously unexplored area, like the right uppr back, or the lower back and stomach, or behind the kneecaps. With patience and lots of staring with awareness, eventually sensations came, often with the help of clothing or air touching the skin.

As a side note, I had some interesting visual images that would pop up during my body scan, and changed throughout days 4-6.  When first beginning, I would notice images of dead bugs (which I was seeing a lot of outside), and didn't think much of it, until the images began to develop in terms of color, clarity, and movement. As I became more sensitive to different body I areas I would get quick visual flashes of something like a centipide crawling up my back, or like hundreds of tiny people walking along my shoulder with poles that morphed into blue/purple flowers. I didn't pay much attention to it as it seemed like my brain was making sense of the new physical sensations. It was entertaining regardless.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/17/16 7:04 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 11:04 AM

Second vipassana jhana

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I spent most of day 5 of the retreat exploring the second vipassana jhana, or the arising and passing away stage. I suspected I was in this territory, but didn't really know for sure until encountering the dark night the following two days. Even then I didn't expect to progress to those stages when I did, so I sort of let myself think I was somewhere in the first vipassana jhana until I was in a solid equanimity/high equanimity stage later on.

After asking the teacher about relaxation during the practice, which he responded with the advice to be relaxed but alert, my body scanning took off. It became much easier for me to observe subtle sensations throughout the body.  My initial question came because I had one sit where I used very strong attention that intensified pain tension, and grossness of sensation in the body. After I had a much more relaxed sit where subtle sensations came much more easily.  I questioned doing straightup scanning from head to toe over and over again, and decided to be extra detailed about my practice.  I was starting to feel like I had infinite patience and that any amount of work didn't matter, so I narrowed my attention to a circle with a diameter about the size of a centimeter, and, starting with my right foot, traced the outline of the foot noticing the change of subtle sensations in that area, then drew small lines up and down the bottom of the foot to 'color it in,' then continuing with the top of the foot. It took about two hours to go throughout the entire surface of the body, but I didn't mind because I figured thoroughness would pay off.  At this point I'm not sure if it did, but my actions were more of a reflection of the hyped up mood I was in.  

I don't recall a mind blowing A&P event, however, by the end of the day, I was sweeping quickly through the exterior and interior of the body, and could hold the entire body in view, noticing lots and lots of tiny tingling sensations mixed with bigger sensations of pain or itching in some places, with overall a a very pleasant feeling to it.  In addition, the visual images I would see complimented very nicely to the complexity of sensations I was able to observe.  Eventually the images left, but before that, they developed into very colorful and intricate patterns of flowers and shapes morphing seamlessly into other flowers and shapes, like a Windows desktop screensaver but in HD. Those images changed into stable images of statue-like/buddha-like/seated-person-meditating-like images that seemed firm and stable as my confidence in the practice grew.

I wanted to add another interesting mental component that occurred through a few of the sits, either during day 5 or day 6. My verbal thoughts took on the persona of this cartoon character that I'm familiar with who is has a very hopeful attitude and only talks in rhymes as if he were constantly rapping.  Needless to say, I was a bit surprised when my internal dialogue was constantly trying to rhyme with itself in rhythm (and I'm not good at rhyming in the first place) and I remember thinking if anyone stepped into my thoughts that moment they would be completely whacked out. Again, it was probably a reflection of the excited and positive mood I was feeling, a reflection of the general attitude of the character I was mimicking.

Since returning home, I was able to reread some more details about the different stages, finding out that sexuality and dreams that might make you uncomfortable if you're not used to bisexuality can occur.  That evening I had several dreams in succession where I was different people, a new person for each scene, with some of the scenes dealing with homosexuality (I'm married so that was surprising), death, conferences, and other randomness.

Another comment - it seems like Goenka's instructions that lead up to sweeping the body with attention indicated he thinks that most people will reach the stage of arising and passing away and possibly start in on the dark night during the 10-day retreat.  By that I mean that when one is able to view sensations throughout the entire body easily and with equanimity, it seems that attention to the sheer number of sensations occurring will facilitate progress to or through A&P.  Talking to others on day 10, many people were at varying places, and the one person who was able to sweep very well had obviously started in on the dark night.  The emphasis on the first vipassana jhana is further emphasized by the adhittana sits which emphasize physical pain, which didn't seem to be an issue for me after day 5. Just a guess at why Goenka structured the 10-day retreats the way he did.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 1:23 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 1:23 PM

Third vipassana jhana

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
Days 6 and 7 of the retreat I spent working through the third vipassana jhana.  I'll write down what I experienced, as I wasn't sure which experiences correlate with which stages exactly, with some emotions/sensations being more intense than others. Most of my progress through the rest of the retreat I attribute to a few things during body scanning - the first being the sweeping method as instructed, the second being taking the entire body as an object and filling in gaps where I wasn't sensing sensations at the moment, and the third being an open and curious attitude about new sensations appearing in the body, and seeing how they either spread throughout the body or remained localized, morphing within that space. Also, I'll mention that I stagnated on the beggining of day 6 and a couple of other times because I felt slightly guilty about not performing the sweeping exactly as instructed. When I went back to straight sweeping, it would be pleasant but not a lot would happen. Later on I spoke with the teacher about taking the body as an object and most of my fourth vipassana jhana experiences and he told me it sounded like I was working correctly within the framework of the body, so to keep doing like I was doing.

The first notable experience day 6 was when a very hard, connected, and heavy metal-like sensation showed up on my left shoulder.  I waited for it to pass, but when it didn't, I checked out the rest of my body and it spread around my whole body like a suit of tight armor.  Examining closely I was able to see very light particles vibrating on the exterior of the hard surface I was experiencing.  I was pretty excited for something new to happen, so the sensation stayed there for the 45 minute sit. In a later sit, the feeling returned to cover the whole body, and I was less enthralled with it, more closely examining its impermanent qualities, until it evaporated away into a light and slightly cool airy sensation. Rereading from MCTB it was interesting to see that Daniel said you can't go through the dark night with armor on, and in a way these sensations helped me drop my guard a bit.

As my sits continued, I noticed a cool sensation arising in my back, which at a later sit would eventually spread through my whole body. I was becoming more sensitive to temperature, and after hearing about the four categories of sensation the evening before (earth - weight, wind - movement, water - togetherness/uniformity, and fire - temperature) it helped me to have four different ways to look at impermanence. In another sit, I started obsessing over the fact that my neighbor in front of me might recognize my feet were touching his cushion and beat the sh*t out of me, and then realized that was just a thought representing a group of sensations in the pit of my stomach I recognized as fear. Because it's already been a week or so I don't remember how fear was expressed in the entire body, but that it mostly originated somewhere low in the stomach and would brew around in that area, sometimes rising higher towards the chest area, with pressure and tightness in the chest/throat. Eventually I saw through those sensations and in another sit dwelt on what seemed like depression. The sensations were very heavy but floaty at the same time, and impossible to pin down to a single spot. As soon as I got a close look at one area it would pop up nearby. To overcome this I found that taking the entire body as object and then viewing the unique sensations in that context was helpful.  First, that helped remind me that everything was constantly changing, and second, covering a larger area seemed to diminish the popping up in other spots. I used that technique several times and have since I've returned home when dealing with similar dark night things like disgust or overall rawness.

After that, the rest of the day was not as intense, as things started to even out. I wasn't sure if I was moving into equanimity yet (I wasn't) and so I started to get impatient.  I found that I had to work through impatience as sensations expressed through key points in the body.  Then later, boredom arose and I dealt with that as different sensations.  Either that evening or the next morning fatigue and tiredness also arose, and I observed the different sensations like pressure in the eyes, sharp pains in the center of the head, droopiness in the face and other places, and eventually that passed as well. The next morning I started feeling very down that I would probably not reach first path on the retreat, even though I didn't exactly expect to in the first place, so I observed the emotion and then sensations behind it, which was mostly dissapointment and failure.  It was a strong emotion that took a couple hours of work, with unique negative sensations that eventually diminished to the tip of the pit of my stomach.  It changed into a feeling I would label as wounded, where I recognized similar sensations when feeling attacked, taken advantage of, etc. I spent a long time here, eventually feeling a sense of closure, however, a subtle feeling of aversion in that area did not completely disappear.  Due to this, I spent a lot of time working slowly through the back, chest, and stomach area examining any notable sensations of physical or emotional pain. After a couple of hours, I realized that some of the pain was due to posture and that I was over analyzing, and started moving forward from there.

During some of the dark night, and how I've re-experienced some similar things spending a little time in the dark night again at home, is that sensations tend to slow down throughout the body, with little subtle sensations popping up here and there.  Investing closer there were still subtle movements, a slightly warm temperature at times, and sometimes airy-type sensations or sometimes slight irritation, all pointing to impermance throughout the body, just in less obvious ways than during A&P.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/17/16 7:08 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 2:28 PM

Fourth vipassana jhana

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
Days 8-10 of the retreat had some very interesting experience for me along the lines of equanimity, powerful positive emotions, and some interesting formations. I've been pondering over changes since then to determine whether or not I reached stream entry, and have been practicing regardless since.

After spending a lot of time body sweeping during day 8 I finally decided to spend some more time taking the entire body as an object. I don't recall exactly which day, but at some point a cool sensation, like a cool gel, had spread throughout my entire body. It was almost like a pleasant balm following the dark night.  I remember thinking, I don't need to practice metta at the end of this retreat, because my body is helping take care of some of the wounds I opened up. I'm not sure if that was the beginning of equanimity, but high equanimity seemed to be a version of that but much stronger, as in a freezing cold sensaiton throughout the body. Another interesting experience that I don't remember the exact order, was noticing certain points of pressure, very small, throughout the face. They were very distinct and I remember counting them, but it's been a while so let's see - I believe two points above the upper lip, one below each eye, one in the third eye area, one above each eye, and possibly some points a little wider out along the jaw line and in the area of the temples.  It was just interesting because they all felt like connected areas of energy, and the sensation stuck around for awhile, maybe 30 minutes or so as I examined it.

When I took the whole body as object I began to feel tired because my head would droop down.  I realized that I wasn't tired and observed the drooping closer the next times it happened. As I did, the sensation, mostly in the third eye area, slowed down and turned much harder. I remember a couple more drooping sensations happening at some point but I maintained body awareness as a much colder sensation spread, like sitting in a freezer, but with no shiverring. I thought, this is cool, I'm probably experiencing one of the absorption jhanas finally, and I stayed there for a couple hours, examining the impermance of the state as best I could.  Sensations in the body really calmed down, although there were little bits of tingles here and there. The most apparant sensation was the ice cold sensation that had spread through the entire body, and the three inch rock that had taken residence in my third eye area. I had noticed pressure there plenty of times before, but never this solid. As I got up for tea time, I didn't really feel the need to move, but when I did, my body had to go so slow. I couldn't have made it move any faster if I tried (and I did), and it took me forever to walk the 100 ft to the dining hall and back. It was like being stuck in some sort of slow motion device. Returning back to the hall I resumed sitting with similar concentration, or at least no real need to move the body in any way.

The morning of day 9 I remember realizing I hadn't spent nearly as much time examining sensations throughout the core of the body, like where the bones would be, as I had the outer layers, and feeling frustration about that. I worked through the feelings of frustration for one of the sits, and then worked through sensations throughout the center of the body, following along where I thought my bones might be. During the first hour of internal exploration many of the sensations felt slightly heavier, connected, and had fewer subtle movements. It wasn't until I returned for the next sit and had a better flow of subtle sensations internally that I realized I was mixing subtle tension with my attention in those internal ares, and after seeing through its impermance, found the same gentle flow of subtle vibrations throughout the body, internal and external.

Further in the day I was toying with the idea of returning to the lite jhana absorption state because I felt I could, but wasn't sure if that was the best option for my insight progress. Needless to say, after a few hours of body sweeping and what not in a general pleasant state, I finally settled in the afternoon to seeing the complete body as an object again and followed the drooping sensation into what I believe was first jhana. The rock in my third eye area was somewhat wobbly, and after a bit it finally firmed up, which I believe was second jhana. My body started turning ice cold again, and eventually most body vibrations and tingling sensations died away. I believe I was hanging out in a lite third or fourth jhana because rapture throughout the body definitely died down (although there was never super intense bliss involved, maybe becuase equanimity was the main object), I didn't have strong emotional bliss either, but I felt rock hard in the third eye and no desire to move any part of my body. Regardless, it was only my second time in a state like that so I just took it as it came.

I was happy to move into the jhana state because it gave me more time to investigate the impermant qualities of it, which for me, were primarily the subtle changes in the ice cold temperature, and the slight tinglings throughout the body that still occurred. Also, the togetherness and weight of the rock in the third eye area had its own slight changes, even if they were subtle.

Soon after this jhana sit, I began body sweeping and taking the body as object with nothing happening at first.  Eventually I finally asked Dharma, or my body, or the universe to show me what was next. In essence I was developing an attitude of oppenness and curiosity once again, which immediately brought me to the following series of whole-body sensations/emotions. The first was love, which started as a slight visual of me with my wife (I love my wife, phew), and then the sensations of it in the body developed quickly into a general rising of pleasant particles that were connected and wavelike. After investigating its impermanence, the sensations generally stayed the same but with a downward motion in the stomach area and the rising sensations remaining in the chest and and back. I recognized this feeling as compassionate love. Soon, those sensations changed to an intense bliss throughout the body, and a feeling like the there was no top on my head and light was shooting out of it in every upward direction. I recognized these sensations as joy, most likely sympathetic joy, and these sensations eventually left as I investigated them.  They were followed by an awareness of nothingness extending out in all directions from my body. I saw that nothingness appeared to have a physical quality of darkness yet being very light-weight and still being impermanent. I explored this state until it eventually fell away.

I believe it was around this time that I became curious about investigating intention and its effect on sensation. Through much of the retreat I was seeing if I could observe intention, which I guess it doesn't have a physical sensation per se. I observed the intention to direct my attention to sensations in a particular part of the body, seeing that a certain number of arisings and passing would happen across time before the intention was realized. I also tried to figure out if equanimity was a separate intention from attention to subtle sensations, but found that it was most likely one intention, at least according to my little experiments at the time. Too much time would pass after intending to view subtle sensations to then intend to see how they arise and pass away, so it most likely is one intention of observing the arising and passing away of subtle sensations.  I played around with some other things at the time, and eventually found the desire to commit myself to the truths I had learned and was learning at the time, in a general sense. I felt some of the gravity of what I was experiencing, and the need to commit myself to being true to the experience of equanimity towards sensation, and the wisdom developed from it. It just felt right at the time, so I did it, and it speaks to the importance I felt in the practice at the time.

Day 9 I had spent 12-13 hours in meditation and was exhausted, but excited to use every minute the next morning to continue my practice before the noble silence ended and metta practices started. I had asked the teacher earlier if I would need to make any changes in my practice if approaching stream entry, but he said no, just keep on working. So I kept on working, but with a few things in the back of my mind I had remembered reading - like taking a more expansive focus,something about consciousness, and the idea of an observer being just another set of sensations. With that in mind, in my practice the morning of day 10 I explored the boundaries of body sensations, seeing how I could sense nothingness extending out. Something about that experience led me to look at sensations in the third eye area, which appeared somewhat similar to the nothingness I was experiencing around me. As I viewed these sensations in the third eye area, which may have been some type of consciouness, I'm not certain, but I noticed that they were constantly exapnding as they arose and passed away. I thought that if I could see it expanding, I could also contract it down to a single point. I tried, but it didn't work. That led me to believe that an innate quality of arising and passing away, at least in this area of consciousness, was that of continual expansion.

I thought it would be neat if I could view those consciouness sensations at the same time as my physical subtle sensations, so I tried taking my body as object and 'placing' them into the expansive consciousness region in my third eye. That didn't work, so instead I decided to try and go inside of it. I mean, hey, if it was constantly expanding there was probably room for me.  So there was a sensation of my head going inside, but something about the pressure of the sensations didn't let me go in that easily, so I had to fully commit, and I felt the entire consciousness sensations come over me like a vacuum from my head down to my feet.  In this place it felt right, because I could see not only my entire physical sensations but also the expanding consciousness sensations expanding out in all directions. I thought that it was a good time to check out to see if I could find an observer, seeing as how I was probably inside my own consciousness somehow, and so I looked back towards those sensations, was immediately kicked out of whatever state I was in, had a brief moment of blackness, then intense bliss covered my body for about 8-10 seconds, before dying down to a moderate bliss and feeling of relief that hung around for the next hour or so. I had been working nonstop up until that point, and felt the fatigue in a strong way all of a sudden. I wanted to take a little break from all the work. I figured if that were stream entry, then I could chill for a bit. I remember checking to see if I could see sensations of an observer, and I couldn't find them. However, as I've checked back occasionally since then I think they are just more subtle now, but I can't quite remember how strong they were before in the first place. In terms of fetters I can definitely see the truth in the basics of what was taught by the Buddha, certainly have no atachment to outward rites or rituals, even in relationship to my christian church, and have noticed a lot more oppenness in terms of discussing my personal views about this experience and how they are impacting my life. Anyways, because of the wierd and volitional yet intuitive nature of the entire experience, I couldn't decide if it was stream entry, and when bringing up these experiences with the teacher later in the day, he just said he hadn't had those experiences but it sounded like I was working correctly within the framework of the body. I figured I'd have to work it out later and see how my practice progressed.

Another thing I did during the end of the day 10 morning sit was set some general intentions for my life. I set them in relation to my vipassana practice, family, work and career, general well being, and so on.

The rest of day 10 when I decided to put some more effort back into meditation I had some interesting thoughts on metta and how directing metta towards myself would be like directing love to every sensation whether positive or negative, which means equanimity would be involved, which meant it would involve separate intentions of directing metta than equanimity, so how it is possible that a form of metta towards the self is just directing equanimity. Obviously loving-kindness feels much different, but it was more of an intellectual issue I was having at the time. Also, as I continued to practice, I explored the boundaries more intimately of the physical sensations of the body, and found it helped me tune into lighter subtle sensations on the outside of the obvious ones, like the lightness of the air. As I got a little impatient I found that I could recognize my perception of the passing of time come and go in many instants, recognizing how that was a source of suffering for me when I had aversion/craving for it. Just some last minute experiences before mostly doing metta practice and talking with everyone else about their experiences once noble silence ended.

As all this was very new and exciting for me, I wanted to share it with others who may be able to relate, who are working on a similar path, or have already been down this path and have advice or comments. My wonderment will probably fade as I go through similar experiences however many times, but for now I'm enjoying seeing how the effects of this practice are already influencing my daily life.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 2:42 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/16/16 2:42 PM

Practice so far since returning home

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I took the evening off after driving home from the retreat, and resumed practice the next morning. I've been practice about a total of 1.5-2 hours daily the last several days. The first day returning home there was a lot of bliss involved with rediscovering the body. It look a little time to find sensitivity to body sensations throughout, but after some work I did, and it was all very blissfull. Another day I started noticing some type of aversion in the pit of my stomach. Working on it a few times, as I dug down to its core, I noticed it was disgust. After taking the whole body as object and checking out those sensations it changed to dislike, then annoyance, then faded over time. As I have kept working I've noticed that I'm most likely going through some dark night sensations, although most of the rawness is gone as I think I've gone through most of desire for deliverance and reobservation. Anyways, I didn't know I would end up here so quickly, and if I had either cycled back down from high equanimity or if I had restarted a cycle from A&P after a possible fruition. My practice continues, and I've already put some intentions in place to help separate the extreme (pleasant/unpleasant) effects of some sits bleeding over into daily life. Overall, I've experienced a lot more openness, honesty with myself, sensitivity to sensations, and gratitude since the retreat. I've also had more general bliss when listening to great music or watching my favorite shows. I've also had more energy to work, or I should say less resistance to doing all the errands/work that I would normall put off for as long as possible. Anyways, good stuff, and I plan to keep posting as my practice continues.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/17/16 7:33 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/17/16 7:33 AM

6/17/2016

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
Continued about 2 hours of daily practice this week. It is interesting to me that I approached the dark night so quickly, and that different parts of it were emphasized.  Disgust was particularly strong, which I didn't recognize fully until I noticed it was leaking into my daily relationships (sorry wife!) and promptly took care of that by sitting as soon as possible.  It was almost as if I could travel down my throat as far down as I could go to a little pocket of dark and dense sensations there, and if I went into the sensations I would have a feeling of nausea and notice a gag reflex. That's what helped me realize it was disgust in the first place. I spent a good deal of time with the isolated sensations, but it wasn't until later in the day I realized that bringing in the rest of the subtle sensations of the body would help me out, and it did. There was a lot of relief as the disgust sensations decreased to dislike, discomort, annoyance, and eventually fully passed away.

I did deal with some general raw, uncomfortable, edgy feelings for a couple of sits, before last night and this morning coming to dwell in a low equanimity. It reminded me of some of how my mind was operating during this stage on retreat, in that it was easy for me to get comfortable and start day dreaming. This morning it wasn't the typical mind wandering, but a goal-oriented/hopeful mind wandering of things I wanted to accomplish, accompanied by an excitement of pressure sensations in the chest and head, and a slight restlessness manifested by rocking in the body. It was like I was experiencing hope and excitement at the same time. It definitely had a slight agitation to it, and by the end of 1.5 hours it started to calm a bit into a more peaceful flow. The subtle sensations in the body were not strong. They were more of a wave-like slight contraction or pulsation throughout the body, and a slight warmness that eventually spread throughout.

I definitely recognize some of the agitation now where I feel like there are many things I want to accomplish but at the same time recognize a slight resistance to accomplishing any of them.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/20/16 2:29 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/20/16 2:29 PM

Round two

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I had a very interesting dream/sit experience today that was very similar to an experience I had 8 days ago, the last evening on the retreat I recently returned from. On the retreat, after working high equanimity and possibly having an experience of stream entry in the morning, I went to sleep that evening and awoke occasionally in the night, first waking to subtle sensations in different parts of the body, mostly in the torso area, before fully waking up and recognizing where I was. That had happened for a couple nights, but right before waking the next morning I had an interesting dream involving some family members, and at the end I woke up as if someone had just given me a shot of adrenaline. At first I recognized the sensations of fear, but saw that they were empty, so it was more sensations of shock or surprise, or something related. It took several hours for the emotional/phsyical effects of the dream to fully fall away. What also was interesting is that I was the persona of my wife in the dream, and the overall mood and some content of the dream matched some experiences she had that week which I heard nothing about until the following day when the retreat ended.

Last night I had an even more powerful dream with similar effects. Before waking I was dreaming as myself, and was struggling to accomplish some task by jumping up a rope. I realized I wasn't tall enough but had to try anyways. Immediately when jumping for the rope I heard someone telling me that it was enough, because I had the full truth inside of me. At that moment I had a fruition experience in my dream, or at least what I imagine someone would describe as one, with some weird static noise for about half a second, my mind did something loopy in the dream which I can't exactly put my finger on, but the most intense part was immediately waking to the same feeling as a week before, as if someone had just given me a shot of adrenaline. I did feel some fear, but I think mostly because of my unfamiliarity with what was going on. I felt a tightness in my chest and lungs and like someone had just kicked me in my gut emotionally. I got up and read for about an hour before going back to sleep around 3 AM. When I got up I felt the after effects of the shock until around 9 AM moderately strong, and in a light way even until now, about 12 hours later.

After the dream, I woke this morning and had a two hour sit, which had its own unique experiences.  Most of the time my attention was drawn towards sensations of emptiness in and throughout my body. When staying with them long enough, they would 'fill' with a blissful, fast tingly sensation that would fill my head and spread down the spine. This happened countless times during the meditation, and for most of it I worked to maintain equanimity. I had an interesting realization during the sit, where I was really investigating the idea of suffering in more depth, moreso than the idea of impermance. I found the practical connection during the sit by noticing craving, aversion, or ignorance to impermanence itself.  I realized that to reduce my suffering I needed to eliminate ignorance by having a clear view of impermance consistently throughout the body, viewing as much of the body as I could (which interestingly, it was difficult for me to hold even most of the body in my awareness during the sit this morning). With ignorance taken care of, I could see impermance clearly, and check my attitude/intentions to be sure I was totally cool with impermance, having no aversion or craving for its existence. Working on that, I felt a sense of calmness in the body, and thought that was an interesting way to eradicate suffering at a very basic level and somewhat thoroughly.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/22/16 4:18 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/22/16 4:15 PM

Perspective change

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I took a day off sorta after not really wanting to jump straight back into body scanning, plus my concentration wasn't great. Returning back to practice it was similar to about a week ago when, I assume, I began a buildup back to the A&P stage. It took some effort, but not quite as much as last week, to become sensitive to subtle sensations throughout the body, really starting with gross sensations as an aid, but achieving fairly good sensitivity after an hour or a bit more.

I realized a big change in perspective that has been around for several days at least if not more, but I finally noticed it. I first recognized it as an inability to view my body as a whole as I could on retreat. I noticed that I could only view a few body parts at a time. As I explored that a bit more today, I realized that the difference was not a change in concentration, but a change in my perspective, or an area I might consider the observer. On retreat it was farther back, and I was able to look almost completely at the whole body. Since retreat, it moved much more forward, so I am definitely more on the inside of my head, and just closer to the body in general. My guess is that there is less of a 'separate me' as I move in closer to the sensations occuring in the body.

The above realization came as a result of my desire to focus this round on my perception of 'I' including important sensations related to it. I decided to begin my approach to it by recognizing how every impermanent sensation is me - really cueing me in to the cause and effect of every sensation and how I am a continuation of all of those.  I also see how I am not just any one sensation, because it of course passes away. So I see how I am lots of instances of arising and passing away, and seeing if that gives me new perspective on the characteristic no-self. I would say on retreat my main focus was on noticing impermance, which I still need constant reminders of, espeically during the day. I started to add in the idea of suffering by not only having equanimity towards positive/negative sensations, but to the experience/idea of impermance itself. Now I'm adding in this no-self approach to see if it adds some more depth to my practice.
shargrol, modified 7 Years ago at 6/23/16 6:00 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/23/16 6:00 AM

RE: John's Body Scan Practice Log

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Really nice posts! Hope you'll keep up the consist practice. A lot can happen off-retreat if you keep the pot simmering.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/26/16 12:27 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/26/16 12:27 PM

RE: John's Body Scan Practice Log

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
Hey shargrol, you are definitely right about that one. I had no idea how much the retreat would jumpstart my daily practice at home!
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 6/26/16 1:07 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 6/26/16 1:07 PM

Metal rod

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I've had a few interesting sits the last few days. The first sit was a shorter, a re-entry back into A&P. I know it's usually the A&P because when I go to sleep that night my dreams will typically be very sexual and very long, although the dream content mixed a little bit into EQ just last night as well. I think I was going through the first vipassana jhana this first sit because I had mild irritation that wanted to stick with me throughout the day. This was the sit I talked about in my last post. What was interesting to me was recognizing the first vipassana jhana in the part of my practice that is like redeveloping sensitivity to sensations.

The next sit I had, I was very excited and motivated to have a good sit. I had slept well the night before, hadn't had a long sit the day before, and was ready to get to work. My sit started somewhere in the middle of A&P, which ramped up to a good flow of sensations and a fair amount of blissful sensations in the body. I did a 90 minute sit and went through subtle, but definitive experiences, of A&P, the dark night stages, and equanimity. Each stage was a little more subtle than I'm used to, but clear enough, especially as everything stabalized in equanimity.  I actually spent a fair amount of time in equanimity during this sit and explored the body. During this exploration I investigated in detail the sensations I associated with me as an observer. I found very tight, hard, even metallic-like sensations in the shape of a small rod extending from the head to the upper neck in a jagged-like manner. Keeping awareness with those sensations was difficult, because they didn't seem to move that much and it was somewhat jarring to my whole body to mess with them. I worked with it for a bit until it had mostly dissolved into more subtle sensations.

After the second sit I wasn't physically tired, but it felt almost like emotional exhaust was coming out of my chest. I was surprised at how quickly I moved through everything, but was definitely feeling it, like I had just done an emotional workout. I had to sit there for a while just to digest everything.

The third and most recent sit was a good one as I spent most of my time in what I think was the stage of high equanimity. When first noticing sensations throughout the body, a sort of empty, amorphous, and dense sensation spread throughout most of the body, although there were bits and pieces of bright and fast sensations here and there.  As I explored the center of these darker sensations it almost seemed like a dark hole that could go on forever. Most of the sit I explored those sensations in relationship to the whole body, noticing the variety of senstions, but mostly the all-pervasiveness of this dark foggyness that pervaded throughout the body. It was difficult to see its impermanence because the closer/deeper I looked it, it just continued on into more of the same. The slight tingles in other parts of the body helped to keep perspective of impermance. In the spirit of exploring my identity, I continued working in the area of the observer, or middle/back of the head. The iron-like rod was not there anymore, but interestingly as I observed closely I found a sense of pulsation that caused a perception of pulsation throughout the entire body. I have noticed pulsations like that before when observing subtle sensations under the nostrils, and then they appeared to affect the area of my head. This time they pulsed the entire view of my body, over and over. It was difficult to stay with it, as if when I looked to far to the right or left, and not dead-center, I would miss it. And my mind was somehow flimsy at this point, like it was a balancing act to stay on the area of pulsations. As I stayed with this area longer, the sensations changed to a wave-like pulsation. In other words, pulsations with less force that were more connected, and were like waves rocking my entire body, but originating from this 'observer' area.

As the sit ended I didn't have any aftereffects like the day before, I had my normal energy to continue with the day. Part of my practice now is making clear intentions to have fruitions so that I can begin experiencing them and inclining back to them, which is the part of my practice that is still very unclear to me. I hope as I continue poking and prodding around while keeping to the basics that things will keep getting clearer.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 7/3/16 8:40 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/3/16 8:40 AM

Integration

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I haven't had as much time for longer formal sits the past week due to moving, but when I have taken 30-45 minutes to sit I've noticed that sensations and emotions are directly related to emotions and events of the day, and less cycling somewhere in the maps. As I continued investigating the switch, I started thinking and reading a little bit more about how I should go about integrating my practice into daily life. Usually I keep attention on a limb or two of subtle sensations, keeping that as a reminder of impermanence in the body. I was noticing that more and more of my pre-retreat behavioral tendencies were coming back, and it seemed related to having less and less awareness during the day of subtle sensations in the body. When realizing that, I decided to put more effort into lessenign the gap of formal and informal practice, and realized that it is much easier for me now after progressing a bit in my practice to keep at least a slight awareness of subtle sensations in most of the body, through much of the day, especially in passive activities. Keeping that awareness in just an arm or a leg isn't good enough. Even if the clarity isn't as high, it seems keeping a bigger picture of awareness of the body through the day immediately brings a sense of calm, helps me act wiser, and helps me keep an investigative and inquisitive attitude.

Sitting this morning I had a mix of carryover emotions from the day, then it seemed like moving through a brief dark night with emphasis on fear, disgust, and re-observtion into equanimity. In equanimity I have to deal some with mental states like boredom, which leads to drifting in my thoughts, but the more observant I am of it then I move on to the next thing, usually with little bliss waves connected to a sense of relief.

Leaving the formal sit, my goal is to keep a light sense of awareness of most of the body throughout the day, which will hopefully bring some more lasting positive changes, due to the sheer amount of time of working on maintaining a sharp concentration and relaxed body, and maintaining some equanimity with it.
shargrol, modified 7 Years ago at 7/4/16 10:10 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/4/16 10:10 AM

RE: John's Body Scan Practice Log

Posts: 2344 Join Date: 2/8/16 Recent Posts
Sounds good! emoticon
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 7/6/16 8:27 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/6/16 8:27 AM

Relaxed, alert

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
The last couple of sits, especially yesterday, were revealing about coping and defense mechanisms I use to hide certain sensations or emotions. In the past I've dealt with some digestional issues related to cramping in the stomach area. These sensations came to the forefront in yesterday's sit, but eventually shifted into a deep and profound sadness. It carried over into today's sit as well, and showed me that some of the potent physical sensations I've experienced the last few months are related to or covering some other, painful sensations. My mind did a lot to try and avoid just sitting today and returning to some similar sensations in terms of restlessness, jumping to other things, and not wanting to settle down. It has also affected my daily-activity practice, in terms of being less sensitive to senstions. It's like being willing to open up to another group of sensations (mostly dealing with sadness), and letting those be a significant part of experience over time. There is also a lot of relief that comes from bringing attention to them.

Working with sensitivity to subtle sensations today, I found that relaxed alertness can be two separate functions implemented separately. Applying attention to an area sometimes feels like a slight pressure in that area, and it's easy to see how a firm or strict attention could unknowingly create tension, thus hiding less obvious subtle sensations. Then relaxation, for me, is a purposeful release of the muscles that ensures the attention to the body is not creating additional resistance. 
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 7/11/16 6:10 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/11/16 6:10 PM

Daily life cont.

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
As I've been adjusting to life in a new place my daily sits have reflected a lot of the emotions tied to adjusting and the excitmeent/anxiety of starting new things. This morning my sit was very pleasurable, with a lot of blissful sensations arising as I brought attention to places deep in the neck, the back of the head, the chest, and then the rest of the body.

The majority of my work this past week has been maintaining awareness of sensations throughout the body off the cushion. It has gotten a little easier over the course of a week to do this. One thing that helps that I have to remind myself to do is notice the subtle and gross sensations. Some of the obvious sensations like pressure on my feet when standing, or the feeling of my clothes, etc. combined with any other more subtle moving sensations paints a more complete picture for me. Getting up from my sit this morning I had a much more keen awareness of some of the emotional complexities while eating and moving. It is interesting to see the interaction between emotions and thoughts and how quickly they can change and be affected by what I am doing.

Another focus of mine is regaining some concentration during my sits. On retreat I would wake up with a strong sensitivity through my body, which hasn't happened since, despite consistent practice formally and informally. I've taken some time at the beginning of sits to rest with the breath, or rest on a very small portion of the body, letting the mind get a bit sharper around that point, before moving throughout the body. The fluctuation in sensitivity to sensations due to lack of concentration seems to be the biggest difference of informal practice, because I don't have 100% of my focus on the body.

I recently read an analogy spoken by Buddha about balancing a full jar of oil on one's head so that even one drop does not spill, as compared to maintaining mindfulness of the entire body constantly. I love the analogy because it speaks to the caution and carefulness that someone should have to maintain that mindfulness, which is definitely something I could put even more effort into.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 7/31/16 9:53 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/24/16 10:12 AM

Informal vs formal

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
It's been a while since my last post since I've been moving/creating a new website. Feeling a little more settled in now and have some time to write. I think I've been moving back and forth in different parts of the dark night in my formal and informal sits. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes it feels like I'm at a different place on the map in my formal sits than when I'm practicing mindfulness throughout the day informally. I think it might be that I might move forward during a sit, and then take half a step back and hang out in some territory through the rest of the day with little movement on the map. Or it may be that I've moved backward a bit before I actually sit, and so I'm recovering some ground everyday.

My experience of the dark night is a little different this time round. It's been a long time that I've been in it, all in between fear and reobservation. It was only just today that I began spending more time in the back of the head/neck area, as it feels like I have sensations there connected with nausea, or that feeling you get when turning around too many times. It might be some sort of disorientation happening when losing my frame of reference. I'm looking forward to getting the hang of it because it is sort of keeping me stuck in this area for a while. I do feel a lot of relief when exploring these areas, so it may be that I'm on the right track.

My daily informal practice is continuing to expand and change. Some days are better than others, but I'm starting to get a pretty good sense of keeping some type of full body awareness. I have long stretches where I totally forget to, but then remember when sitting down or listening or slowing down, and then get back on it. It feels like when staying focused on the breath in meditation and getting lost in thoughts, and watching the gap between having thoughts get longer and longer. Or the other way of looking at it, watching how I catch myself sooner when getting lost in thoughts. Speaking of which, I've had some really nice sessions beginning with a focus in concentration, and getting the hang of calming the mind more and more. I can always jump into vipassana work, but it's always different when starting with or doing a complete formal sit of concentration using a very small portion of the body/breath. It feels like fine tuning every time, and I know I could benefit a lot from sharpening the ole mind on a regular basis. So, to bring it back to my informal practice, it's almost like gaps where I don't have body awareness during the day are slowly getting smaller. It's on such a longer scale that it's a bit more difficult to notice, but it is certainly worthwhile.

I had an interesting experience performing on trumpet the other day where I played for a couple of hours and had some intense stomach pain afterward from constant tension. I sort of lost awareness through a lot of the playing, and was wondering if that was pain I had always experienced when doing intense/emotional performances like that, but had never been sensitive enough to notice before, or if I'm out of practice and am experiencing a consequence of that. Either way, I'm continuing to see how my informal mindfulness practice during music playing can help me have a healthy relationship with music and keep my body/mind healthy when immersed in it.
John B, modified 7 Years ago at 7/31/16 10:10 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 7/31/16 10:07 AM

Long dark night

Posts: 69 Join Date: 6/16/16 Recent Posts
I'm regaining confidence again in my practice, especially as I've been more settled in and had some longer and more focused sits during the week. I realized I've been in a pretty long dark night for the past two weeks at least, if not longer. I finally confirmed it again as I dove into some strong sensations of sadness in a recent sit, examining its impermance and trying to see the different aspects it was made up of - mainly pressure in the eyes connected to sinking feelings in the pit of the stomach, sometimes rising up higher in the chest. As I worked through it I came upon feelings of restlessness that were fairly strong, and that was my signal that I was moving on a bit. In my sit today I moved on further with some feelings of tiredness/boredom, but mostly a distractability that I've come to recognize around this point. I try and take a wider view, seeing the big picture. I also had a moment of giving up, but it was more like I was saying goodbye to a part of myself and was somewhat sad to let it go. The part of myself that was leaving was some of my will, and being able to say goodbye to it seemed like a natural result of working through the dark night this time. It was interesting discovering how I considered a piece of myself, or my personality, as contained in that willpower or drive that I had to let go of in order to move on.

As I've pondered how to view noself in my present moment experience, I decided to frame it as seeing how one feeling is made up of many sensations, and how those sensations are made up of many more sensations, and how they are all happening at slightly different yet related times, creating an image of wholeness. It makes sense for me to see it that way, and recently reading some of Thich Nhat Hanh writings about interdependence helped me realize that. It makes sense for me to see noself that way, because instead of seeing myself as one unchanging entity, I see the many changing parts making up that entity, and that is true down to the smallest degree. It also helps me view impermanence and noself at the same time, without having to really conceptualize it. I can just observe the multifaceted and constantly changing nature of sensation. I'm sure there are many other ways to look at it, but this is working for me so far.

I know that nanas take different amounts of time when cycling through, so I'm curious to see if equanimity takes longer this time. It's been interesting being in the dark night for so long and maintaing an informal practice, because the main difference is intensity. I'm not as affected during the day because the degree of intensity and focus is much less, but I found that during formal practice, if I give 100% effort, I make true progress and continue to move forward. Afterwards I'll feel some after-effects of the strong emotions and need some time to recover, but to make true and lasting changes seems to take renewed commitment for each sit.

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