Attempt to log in some thoughts.

Practice is being aware. During activities all sorts of little sensations passing by, i note them, some sensations are persistent, some i need to keep focusing on, some need thinking, resolving, holding, ignoring.
Coming aware of breathing, feelings, self, these are big sensations
Then there is also a spacelike allcompassing what have been there always sensations, like humidity or mist but with more solid dry quality but not completely dry.

When doing sitting practice i use my breath to control energy, also can do it during activities, sometime just need that i can't(i need not or stop) move body, so its sitting or laying down.

When there is no movement of energy, then i try to get them and get them to move.

When there is no suffering i then try to get it coming, then if suffering i try to solve it. Could write down all the possibilities but the point is made clear so no need.

Special practice. After little things are done, suffering ongoing. Then there is two things:

1) a thing or activity we do because of 2.
2) Is what allows 1.

It must be solved in order to get to our own secret place. Suffering disappears, then come again little things, suffering appears, huge craving, then we discover our inner substance thats very special thing. A Yin, that gotten craving disappears.

Why it is special or secret is that these things we can do only when in our own space, room, and the activities or thoughts are locked or hidden when connected with other people.

Connecting. Some special occurence will come where you are able to connect with mind and body, hearthfeeling. There too are little things to solve. This is when seeing someone, it can be a Buddha statue, beautiful image, good actor, etc. I think here practiners think that they then have found their guru or right teacher. Wrong again its just a moment on a path.

ranting..
Just one pattern. Renouniation is a must, so there wouldn't be double life, like practice and work is separated the point here is that when shifting from one thing to other you will go unknowingly through void and cultivate lower frame you backstab your own efforts.

Renounciation like not going to work. You only will go to work if asked or needed from higher sensation and that is not a thought level that i need to go to work because i need to get money for food. That higher sensation is what you also see through later that people ask you to work for them becuase they don't want to do the dirty stuff themselves but enjoy good things. So for learning purposes you will anyway go through this till you understand and at the end say goodbye after beying destroyed enough times by selfishnes.

Reward. There isn't anything coming, no matter how much you work or not working at all. Noone is going to pat you no matter how big accomplishment. If there is reward you will work also the subtle side of it.

Merit is that the thing you have wroked for, you let others to take it away while noone knows that you were the one who worked for it.

Insight practice is same way the selfrisen insights and you will work afterwards the hard, bad energy. Dreary energy(can/will take your life quality alltime low) will gather so much that you can transfer or see it and then the entire mass will disappear, one wisdom point achieved.

Got cessation(i think it were) from being on a spree of sensate world, like being drunk and then sobering up to get serious with life, now using inner breath or i stabilize myself into center, i also feel some energy or water going down. Trying to catch the longer waves.

Note: Happened definite shift. Reality is more cold and serious, but i like it more than being like drunk looking more and more expressions. I think it would represent i came out of puberty and now thinking of becoming independent or time around 3 am to 6 am, early morning(where i live is pm right now).

Way: i really didn't meditated formally, shift happened because i got too much bored/activities exsauted themselves and perhaps it was enough to make the change on entire reality field how i comprehend it, perception shift.

And: it looks like i got that level first time into a obsessive mind level. Nice. That means that state is for a while my thinking subject, reflecting what it was.

Continiueing from previous post,

That perception, after cessation, now doing energy practice. More energy gathering i notice. The wave or signature i need to capture or cultivate is best described by "Waiting" it is time but i will try to capture its mass thats more heavy, dreary thing my other part of me tries to walk around hop from one thing to other but if i want to cultivate i need to stop walking around and concentrate on that buswaiting sensation or when cooking then the waiting period and noticing the time is going so slowly then i just notice time and focus on that heavy allcompassing sensation.

I now wonder if its the reality, what is after the sensual reality is dropped off. That means i entered jhana and cultivating jhana realms.

..anger rised, i was with people in one room, i needed to avoid pumping into them, make my moves carefully, back off etc all these heated me up and made irritable. Solved it, no more irritation and could talk normally.
Craving, drank coffee. Sometime later discovered/realized that i had drunk coffee, craving rised, so fought with that, noticed a new tone, tried to integrate it to my field.
Anger, heated up energy again, irritable unknown noises from other person. Like painfully irritable or triggering sensations. Solved.

Energy dancing, some spheres noticed within. Meanwhile breath control, noticed a blob or sphere of energy in the center, noticed it second or third time before i could capture and solve it, then got access to eyes and brightness.
Got craving again, empty feeling in lower regions in belly..

Quiet day. Feeling like i should do something. Mainly were concentrating practice on some particular sensation. Thoughts about the difference between stranger and household person, so i got a distinct sensation between these two that i needed to be stranger at home, like changing a position from one to other, back and forth till i got it.

Also there were a craving, i didn't let it to mind, and saw it made a curve, reminded me a snailshell curve.

Desire to have dispute, noticed it. It made me calm and tired, sleepy. Thought should i fight with it or go to sleep.Meanwhile doing breathing restraint and other body layer system things(also during day). Realized that i move my awareness to body, then there is this air space and within that there is another area where i can stop the breath in order to get to the bottom area in belly. Noticed sleepyness, then realized not doing(can't concentrate on activities they seemed inferior to what i want to concentrate on), i can't do anything so i dwell in that space and then used eyes in order to move to the body awareness and realized there is no objects around me so will concentrate on this inner space only, sleepiness disappeared noticed that i moved to heart layer perhaps, bc i felt sensation on that area.. 

Woke up and one of first thing i noticed was anger or irritation as a whole ground taste. Focusing it, cultivated that state, it disappeared. Got better state instead what maybe were a glorious state. More anger later, irritable.

Read some scriptural text, induced doubt in me and bc thats a bad state its suffering, dukkha. Anyway it went away by cultivating the states there what were accompanied with it.

Yesterday and today also got better understanding to craving. Realized i have been wrong doing, abstaining is wrong it would add fuel to the craving making it like 2 times worse. But i also can't succumb to eating marathon or whatever else craving there is. I just will work with craving with intelligence and letting it show itself its truer face while not holding a view of abstinence that i can't do it. It helps that i see that craving is one thing and the sensations from indulging, eating is other thing, they are not interconnected, at least i can't see the link there.
 
Also the switching of between two states, relative and absolute. As one is where i am like sleeping other is active state what has a potential to cut throught to induce movement and destroyes the relative/past state. These two are same but when i come aware i see the other state as inferior and lamely unmoving and demanding somehow when i compare it and call it up.

And some states, like dullness needs a catalyst in order to solve it to other state. While i don't know if therse two states are interconnected..

Trying to figure out dark night, suffering. Found a very easy way out of it atlast, matter of seconds or less. Finding the right trigger.

This trigger, saves me lots of time. It kind of connected the dots in me, summary of previous hard work.

wtf..why i didn't realize its usefulness before. I was being told about it long time ago. Must be the definition of ignorance of not listening others.

How it saves time is, i needed to empty myself in order to make room for or abel to get signals onto knowing level or wisdom level that I was awre of them. Usually we are dull or somehow halfsleep: so a insult or intent to do something fast; way to gain something; beautiful atractive forms; good science waht opens new ways of seeing; ..etc, will trigger clarity, but it was inconcistent and hard labour to get to trigger these.

So it is better to directly search for triggers. Trigger here is a special thing. Why im happy is that it saves me so much time of searching "aimlessly".

triggers still not enough but easier. There comes bad state, needed to be with it to understand what i needed. After that came another bad state, it was like how i still get to sleep, what could possible to trigger it, so realized that it is the feeling of sleepiness.

Ok that done another bad state and this time i came aware of pulse or heart beat, in the head, back of the mouth. Not sure if i focused n that pulse or the ground what i come also aware, anyway the pulse and ground went away. Now typing text here, wondering what is next bad state.

Add: i don't include or write about good states, these are there too. Can be also that good feeling and bad state at the same time. Like now i feel good, but if i look deeper then the blank state is there, i could focus on it and cultivate it.

today is different. Hoping from one thing to another aimlessly, till i discovered i am still sleeping. That is in order to wake up second time i need to stop moving my body and become aware of my surroundings. So thats waking up second time, or opening the inner eyes. Can now cultivate that state as this knowledge reoccurs.

yesterday is sinning
today is sleeping
tomorrow is consequences

update: mentioning that watching a fire glow or that intense light from live fire worked as a trigger.

cultivated of bringing my mind back from hype or trends etc. I think it is refraining from idolizing and taking waht belongs to them. Instead i am content wit hthe little things i have. Rinse repeat.

NExt, i noticed irritability, the source is things are misplaced or i can't do what i need. Noticed how people stomp legs or make noises etc makes me irritable and now when i am pretty heated up, something happens like someone drops something from a hand and it makes a loud noise, animals get scared and,
in me triggers a sensation, in belly anger scramble pain mixed, so i hold it in my belly and quickly calming myself down till the challenging phase fades.
Cooking, finding out that i am again looking for to hop from one thing to another instead of just cooking and waiting when getting to next cooking phase. But this time i realized that i needed to focus on noise and its background is soft and warm and interestingly a louder noise from grease boiling works as a stress calmer. At the end it worked out all fine.

So in summary. Seeing and hearing sem to be a crucial somehow. Their triggers are light and for hearing it is noise. So i know where i am, helps me.

Same fundamentals. But other things. Feel an urge to do something and it is usually entertainement in some crooked way, then thinking that the urge is definite and the thing is variable so after lots of battle i can bring my mind home. This same thign happens also in home too. So there is two dimensions.
Similar thing was i did somethngi then felt sick and that sickenss lasted about hour or so. Then next day i got misfortune and felt same awful. But the thing was reversed as it was mental before and then physical but with this sickness and misfortune was physical first and then mental.

Summary: when nose, breathing, smelling air, then the fundamentals is reversed in relative to eye and ear. Have to experience or gain more knowldge to it.

Read vipassana nanas and realised that the "internal breath" is "nama" mental phenomena.
 
Also reading(just eyeing a bit) the descriptions of different insight knowledges. If to search 16 stages of insights. -finding the descriptions there what are outstanding for me the most(caught my eye). I can find what nana im in or can reflect back what i was just done and got into or were i was.
Knowing how difficult stages of "internal breath" are. I think my sceptisism was idiotic before, now im evolved a bit more and generate more better critisisms.

edit/add
Saw breath disappear. doubt came. Some cold sensation (bubbly anxiety like). breath develops in head area...pleasant intense-like sensations striking head...that feeling/knowing when said soemthing wrong or not correctly...more pleasant stuff striking head..

*removing word internal bc its not neccesary: Adds too much "alien".

@Pawel from other thread, i got your message in my mail log. The thread got deleted i noticed, bc prolly it was too good.
---what i will say to that
I can't refuse urges and cravings, as you suggest. Im glad that you have that ability. That doesn't really matter since i get new things out anyway.
What i can tell you. If you watch something you like, then suddenly if you are removed from it, you feel empty, pain etc..bad states. Thats how i experience things.

going to recap this and other practice threads.

After openign and starting to play through psyhic points. There also appeared the substance. Realized now that this substance is like shadow and it is gaining mass. I can move it around, call it out, basically it is waht i circulate in my body through different functions and points.
It reminded me that vampires doesn't have shadow, so they are like ghosts, yin. And waht i am hoping is that the shadow is yang form. But sinec the progeress is still relatively small i can't claim the theory as waterproof. Hopefully the progress comes faster.

add:
The motive why i post it i felt like i am losing popularity/sentiment so i will test the waters(saw it in my mind)..waht color waters and consistence hehehe

.And also name change came.