Synelg's Practice Log

Synelg's Practice Log synelg 11/9/16 10:56 PM
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/9/16 10:56 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/9/16 10:51 PM

Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
In August this year I began meditating in the Mahasi noting style of a Theravadin monk trained by Ajahn Tong.   I had a few on-line meetings with this monk until a couple of weeks ago when I began taking anti-depressants.   The monk says he will no longer be my teacher unless I stop taking the drugs as he says the drugs cover up the emotions that the meditation would be dealing with.

I've logged 190 hours of meditation to date with an average meditation time of 42 minutes.

I follow the movements of my abdomen, and mentally note 'rising' and 'falling'. After the falling, I send my mind to various points on my body and note 'touching'. I note thoughts with 'thinking', and feelings with whatever they are or just 'feeling' if I cannot identify them. I note 'hearing' etc.

Following are the notes I've made on my meditation to date.

30 to 35 hours
I can now, if I'm concentrating, sometimes see thoughts a second after they arise.  Sometimes they run for a few seconds and I catch them and I can now usually remember what the thoughts were about, instead of them disappearing immediately.   Sometimes I can catch them as they are running and note thinking thinking and instead of them disappearing, they continue.

48 hours
Something happened today and I felt incredibly sad, with lots of self-pity. I closed my eyes and started to concentrate on the emotion of sadness, but I couldn't find it, and yet the body feelings were still there. So I just carried on with normal life and within seconds I totally forgot about being sad. It came again a little later, less strong, and although I felt pressure around my eyes and nose, I couldn't find 'sadness' anywhere in my mind. Am I imagining this?

60 hours
Feeling discouraged today. I know I've only logged 60 hours of meditation, but it seems such a long long journey ahead and no real results that I can see so far.

71 hours
Feeling like the mind is totallly out of control and I've gone backwards. Can't pick up thoughts as well as I did at 30 hours! And thoughts everywhere – can't concentrate and it's haywire.

75 hours
Learnt to wait a split second after moving the foot during walking mediation, and a split second after the movement of the stomach when sitting, before 'noting' it. It seemed to help enormously to keep the mind concentrated on the present moment. The mind definitely quieter last couple of sessions – I can walk many paces without thinking, but still missing the start of thinking – not as good as at 30 hours.   Also noted that the headache, which has been constantly pulsing since August, is almost not there in last day or two.

84 hours
I'm currently meditating for at least 3 hours a day and would like to increase this time, but I'm finding resistance – I groan inwardly at the thought of doing yet another session and sometimes have to force myself to start.   Then, once I'm in the session, I've begun longing for the session to end.

86 hours
Very distracted walking meditation. Sitting much better – at the end I was able to slow things right down and pick quite a few thoughts as they arose (or very near anyway). I note a distinct “YAY” when I manage to do this. It sometimes takes me a second or three to locate the correct 'spots' for touching. I hold my breath until I get them.

90 hours
There seem to be so many feelings that I can't seem to identify them.   Confusion, pity, sadness, frustration.   Then there's all the physical feelings – the head pain, the eye pain, pain around the nose and face.   What to note? lots of sadness, self-pity, crying, sobbing.

100 hours
I have been trying to meditate in bed before I sleep lately.   At first it was incredibly difficult – my mind just went all over the place.   But I've kept working at it and last night I managed over one and a half hours!   Very excited.   I thought it was good quality meditation – calm, clear, easy and mostly quite awake.

106 hours
Feeling better about the practice than last week – picking up 'thinking' a lot better- maybe back to where I was at 30 hours.   Often it seems that I catch the beginning of thinking and then it's gone before I actually begin to think.   Starting to welcome feelings of annoyance and anger – like “yay – here comes annoyance – I'll be able to have a look at annoyance”.   Constant medium/light headaches.   They went away for about a week, but back again.   Often pulsing with my heart beat.   Seeing a lot of Wanting – wanting to end the meditation session, wanting to move my leg when it gets cramped, wanting MacDonald Snow-Freezes, wanting food...

120 hours
I WAS putting a lot of effort into my 'touching', making sure I felt something at the exact touching point.   But I found that my eyes were 'moving' towards the touching spot and that that eye movement was the dominant feeling rather than the feeling at the touch point.   I've stopped putting so much effort in now and am trying to make sure my eyes don't move.   But I now find that I can't always get the exact touching point too well and don't feel the touching so much.

122 hours
Had too much coffee yesterday and spent what seemed quite a few hours meditating in bed last night. Went through some pretty serious emotions. Didn't really separate them out from me, but they also didn't quite overwhelm me and I was able to note them for what seemed rather a long time without them completely overwhelming me.

150 hours
Just back from spending 10 days away from home and in very close contact with a very disturbed and difficult person. I had to share a room with her and only managed an hour or two of sleep a night for the 10 nights. I used the time to meditate while laying in bed. Many many hours.

Since I got home, I have been going through horrible, terrible stages. Despair, anguish, massive deep depression, loneliness, etc etc. All together. I have been looking directly at these emotions, experiencing them fully. They often turned physical (head pain). They dissipate but have left me wondering seriously whether I should go back on anti-depressants.

Also noted that sometimes can manage to catch what seems to be the beginning of thoughts, sometimes what seems the middle and sometimes the end, and sometimes a thought before it appears – which seems to stop that thought materialising.

163 hours
Woke in the middle of night, spent some time ruminating before I realised what I was doing. Then began to meditate in bed. For the first 30 minutes or so I felt very jittery – I have noticed this happens a bit lately until I settle into the session – a bit like having too much coffee. I'm wondering whether this is the beginning of recognising flickering and vibrations. Then my legs began to feel really uncomfortable – tense and tight. They started to involuntarily jump and twitch. Not pleasant. This has happened a bit lately and I've just thought it was some weird tenseness, but this time I didn't shift to get rid of it. The twitches and jumps got much worse and I could then see that there were many twitches per second. This went on for maybe 15 to 30 minutes or more. They started to get more pleasant in that I think they eventually relaxed the muscles. Then I slipped back into sleep.

Last few days been cycling through horrible despair, depression, anguish, agony, panic, all of those emotions at once, then a huge desire for it all to be over, then a lot of physical pain around the face, eyes and head. I've faced up to and noted them all and they abate significantly during meditation but don't go away completely, just leaves me with a sense of mild to moderate depression where I can still function ok, but not happy. But occasionally I feel quite good for a brief period. Then back to underlying mild/moderate depression.

169 hours
I'm not functioning and feeling constant despair, depression, agony, nausea, panic, terrorm which no longer goes away.  Now I, feel suicidal at a level of 10 – thinking I should make a Will, just in case. I seriously l think I should do that. Started taking SSRI's from a pack I had left over from 3 years ago. I have taken SSRI's for depression on and off since I stopped smoking 25 years ago.

Spent the next several days as above, very frightened and just hanging on to sanity. I didn't sleep much as I was afraid my mind would escape from the top of my head if I did. Gradually, the SSRI's kicked in and today, 15 days later, I'm feeling ok. I didn't meditate for the scary days, but started again as soon as I felt I could.

185 hours
I hadn't been in touch with my teacher since before I went away - about a month ago. Called him and told him what had happened. He said he could not be my teacher unless I stopped taking the drugs.

189 hours
In 45 minutes of meditation, I 'think' maybe 20 thoughts. Each thought is very brief – usually about the meditation, only last a second or two I think and I usually catch most of them during or at the end now. Only occasionally do I miss noting them, and then only for a second or three.

Feeling as if I'm finally making a little progress. I seem to be picking up mainly the END of thoughts. I'm sure I read somewhere that this is a sign of progress. Woot!
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/14/16 10:50 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/14/16 10:24 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
200 hours

A few days ago I read Culadasa's interpretation of the 10 stages.   

http://dharmatreasure.com/wp-content/uploads/LightOnMeditationHandout.pdf

It made a lot of sense to me and for the first time since I started meditating, I'm not confused/doubtful/worried about whether I'm doing it 'right' or not.  I'm now quite enthused about where I am and where I'm going.   I believe I'm at the end of Stage 3, beginning of Stage 4 where:-

'At the beginning of Stage Four, you can stay focused on the breath more or less continuously. This skill marks the first of the four Milestone Achievements. However, attention still shifts back and forth between the breath and various distractions. That is, you never forget the meditation object, but still haven't achieved single-pointed attention (i.e., paying attention to the meditation object and to nothing else). '

According to Culadasa, advancing from Stage 3 to Stage 4 can take a long time, but that's cool - it's just good to know I've been on the right track and have made the progress I've made.   Also good to know what my next job will be in Stage 4 - to develop continuous introspective awareness to alert me to the presence of gross distractions and dullness.   But I'll spend a bit longer on Stage 3 first - just to make sure.   And I've ordered Culadasa's book - The Mind Illuminated.   Woot!
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/23/16 2:12 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/23/16 2:11 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
221 hours

I'm very very glad that I (reluctantly) went back on SSRI's a few weeks ago after some years off. I feel now that I'm on a level playing field with everyone else. My meditation has taken off and some days I'm working around Culadas's Stage 5 I think. Other days I'm back at 4 and even 3- usually when I haven't had enough sleep I think and I'm then dealing with gross dullness. But for the first time since I started meditating, I'm beginning to feel happiness and enjoy the sits, instead of always struggling to find positive things to see.

I can now sometimes feel thousands of tiny sensations on a few parts of my body, and the last session my legs started jerking again.  I am often finding my sessions very exciting as I'm making progress.   In everyday life I attempt to remember to keep peripheral awareness.   

Enjoying life again.  Phew!  emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/23/16 6:29 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/23/16 6:27 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Just completed a 25 minute sit while listening to Culadasa's guided meditation series 'Sit, Breathe, Wake up' - 4th session.   Today is the 3rd day in a row where I keep nodding off - I believe this is 'strong dullness'.  I've been doing the Zen jerk every few seconds for days now.   I've tried most of Culadasa's techniques for dealing with this, with little success.  Today, I think I've found an innovative way of dealing with it lol.

The method
I kept peripheral awareness and sent my attention many times to where I currently feel that the start of the dullness begins.  When I think I feel the beginning of dullness, I quickly stab myself in the crown of my head with tweezers lol.

I'm not doing anything drastic lol, but I just wanted to tell my mind that instead of being pleasant, dullness is a little uncomfortable.   I did these little jabs maybe 20 times.   I still kept noticing the beginning of dullness, but I was totally prepared to do hundreds of these before beginning to see any results.   But then I had the idea of counting how many breaths I managed in between jabs so that I could keep track of any improvements.  I counted on my fingers so as not to distract myself with the counting too much.   I counted to 30 breaths with no relapse into dullness!   Stopped counting after that and did not notice the beginning of dullness for the rest of the sit!   Woot!  Lolol.

I DID sacrifice a tiny bit of attention on the breath so that I could keep the awareness of the beginning of dullness - what I did was tell myself I didn't have to pick up every beginning and end of the breaths, just the cold in and the feeling of the out.   

Feeling accomplished and amused.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:00 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:00 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Friday Sessions
Working mainly at Stage 3 last few days.
Struggling to find PA (peripheral awareness).   PA has been so EASY to find until the last few days, I seem to have lost the ability to find it. So I didn't worry too much about it, just kept checking the state of my mind to try to catch the beginning of the zen jerk (or dullness/sleepiness - whatever it is). Sleepiness is the main problem the past few days, so I had my tweezers ready in between my fingers, ready to press in quickly. My timing got better - sometimes I caught it right at the beginning. Was careful to NOT get the moment when I 'awoke'. So my attention wasn't that brilliant either but I decided that fixing the sleepiness was more important.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:06 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:06 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
SATURDAY 1st SESSION - 45 mins while listening to Culadasa's 3rd podcast in the series 'Sit, Breathe, Wake-up'

Had a good 9 hour sleep last night. I've been back in Stage 3 for a few days now - very very sleepy and unable to hold attention.

I think my sleepiness problem may be most due to lack of sleep and the fact that I've had to do a lot of physical work this week that I'm not used to rather than meditation concentration as I had very little sleepiness this sit. And I felt my PA was quite different - instead of having to work quite hard and intentionally to keep peripheral attention, it was just 'there' this morning.

As well as having attention on the breath, I was very aware of sounds around me without having to intentionally having to check to make sure I had PA as well as attention.. Attention seemed to automatically and quickly 'check' (alternate) on these peripheral sounds without me consciously asking it to. There was one sound that the attention kept going to just quickly - noted that as a 'subtle distraction' (as long as the attention is on the meditation object more than the distraction). The PA felt different too - flatter and more natural somehow. A few minor jerks of the legs.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:11 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:08 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
2nd SESSION - 20 mins while listening to Culadasa's 4th podcast.

Back to sleepiness - picked up the beginning of the Zen lurch many times this session. It starts as a sort of dizziness 'wave'. I can pick up the very beginning of this wave and I have the tweezers in my hand now, with a finger resting on the points, so I just press down on the points enough to make it uncomfortable. Had a nap afterwards.

Drove a couple of hours this afternoon.   I was able to use the drive time to note and label the drive most of the way. Noted 'driving, turning, hearing, feeling, seeing'. Was good.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:17 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/25/16 10:17 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
3rd SESSION - 30 mins while listening to 5th podcast.

Smooth and easy session at first. Was easy to stay concentrated on the breath. Mind very quiet. So I think I was back in 4th Stage this session. Confirmed because for the first time since I began Culadasa, a memory came up that just grabbed me and wouldn't let go.

This memory has been trying to surface for a few days, but until now it's remained subtle. This time, no matter what I did, it said I had to look at it. Aaaargh - didn't want to at all! I've buried this memory for decades. It's not a terrible, traumatic memory, but incredible embarrassment and guilt from something I did in my teenage years.

But it got stronger and stronger so I had to finally face up to it. Scary as! Tried to find any physical feelings first but couldn't so I had to look at the embarrassment straight on. AAARRGH! Noted 'embarrassment, embarrassment' over and over and over, until a feeling at the back of my throat became prominent, so I noted that. Finally attention on the breath came back. Phew! I'm on the way yes!

Bugga - I thought I was quite a long way away from this part of it.   I've only received the book (TMI) today. I'll be doing lots of reading tonight!
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/27/16 1:09 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/27/16 1:04 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
227 hours

I usually meditate in bed before going to sleep each night. Last night's session was really good. My mind felt very clear. Attention on the breath was easy and awareness seemed to be there without effort.

This morning's session was scattered. Gross distractions, a zen lurch and lots of leg movement - not so much jerkng as wiggling.

I've started having odd old memories and strange visions appearing very briefly. Nothing troubling, if I hadn't read that they were normal in this stage I would probably not even think about them.

Reading TMI, trying to prepare myself for when the next 'purification' arrives.   I will remember to attempt to not 'identify' with the emotions next time.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/28/16 1:18 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/28/16 1:18 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Spent much of yesterday reading TMI - The Mind Illuminated. I have a few techniques that I need to brush up on, so I concentrated on those in the last two sessions. However, by the end of last night's session, I was again working in Stage 4 and again, once I reached that, another 'memory' surfaced. I tried to ignore it as long as I could as per Culadasa's instructions, but it got stronger', so I faced it and the emotions. It wasn't anywhere near as scary as the 'purification' the other night. I felt I let go of sorrow, sadness, guilt etc, and ended up feeling compassion and lots of love. Feeling still a little sad but peaceful now.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/29/16 12:54 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/29/16 12:52 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st Sit - I worked at increasing focus on the breath at the nose, as well as keeping continuous introspective & extrospective awareness - training to increase total consciousness power. Overshot a bit on the attention on the breath sometimes, so had 5 or 6 very brief forgetting and mind wanders, which I then caught and labelled.

2nd sit - Strong dullness is a PAIN! Tweezers are cool. Worked at Stage 4 but a few distractions, 2 Zen lurches and strong dullness and quite a bit of tweezering

3rd sit - No Zen jerks! I am getting good at picking the right moment to do the tweezer thing lol. I'm not sure what I'm picking up, but I can sense 'something' BEFORE the wave that signals the beginning of a Zen lurch. All that dog and horse training has given me good timing lol. WTF! I'm training myself! I'll get myself an electric collar next! BWAHAHAHA!

I managed to keep continuous introspective awareness pretty well this session, which is why I was able to forestall the Zen jerks. I also noticed that I'm much more alert when taking bigger breaths.

General - I'm trying to remember to keep both intro and extro awareness in everyday situations also - getting better.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 11/30/16 8:09 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/30/16 7:56 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st sit yesterday.
Tried to combat strong dullness by trying to maintain external awareness more. It was quite good for 30 mins, then the strong dullness started again - did the tweezer thing at least a dozen times. More I think. Stopped at 50 mins. I will try opening up to more external things next time.

Also noticed again that the breath is very shallow when I'm in this state, but if I increase my breathing, it feels as if I'm controlling the breath. hmmmm.....

2nd sit. With a group.
Let all external sounds in. Didn't lose attention on the breath. More thoughts than usual rattling away, but none took my attention away.

3rd sit (in bed).
At least an hour. First 30 minutes were good - good awareness (for this stage), good focus. Second 30 minutes began to gradually lose it all but still ok, 3rd 30 minutes - went to sleep sometime in there.

_1st sit today. First 20 mins really good - kept extrospective awareness AND good focus on the breath. Didn't miss a single beginning, middle, end or pause. Also, introspective attention kicked in automatically, so not many thoughts and the ones that came were all about the current moment I.e. the practice itself. Felt like it took a HUGE amount of effort and also the breath seemed to be almost hyper-ventilating. 

2nd 25 mins, gradually deteriorated until I was dealing with gross dullness again. Did all the techniques and in the end I went back to the tweezer jabbing as that seems to be the most effective if combined with the other techniques. I can often react with the tweezers incredibly fast - even before I'm aware that I'm going to have the 'wave' that comes before the dullness. I experimented with not using the tweezers and seeing what happened and sure enough, I had my one and only gross distraction where I forgot the breath. I will be very glad when this dullness stage is over. Nnext time will start off with more objects and stronger awareness and slowly transition to concentration. 
Matthew, modified 7 Years ago at 12/1/16 3:57 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 11/30/16 11:46 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 119 Join Date: 1/30/13 Recent Posts
Nice practice log. Keep up the good work. Here are some comments:

1. It's seriously messed up that your teacher refused to work with you while you were on an SSRI.  I actually attained stream-entry while taking an SSRI. I've never heard of a Western dharma teacher who doesn't acknowledge that antidepressants can help people who are suffering. 

If you need a new teacher, Kenneth Folk, Ron Crouch, and other pragmatic dharma teachers do online sessions. Tucker Peck, who was trained by Culadasa, does an online class that includes Q&A. 

2. You might want to ask Culadasa's forum whether poking yourself with tweezers is the optimal technique for eliminating meditative dullness. The self-delusion feeds on contrived systems of shame and punishment. Ask yourself whether you have tendencies for self-punishment and self-blame. Intentionally hurting yourself could play into these neuroses.

Samadhi is all about relaxing the body and gladdening the mind. You want to develop habits that will allow joy to arise naturally as the body relaxes into ease. It sounds like you're already coming across layers of past trauma to work through, which is a great sign that you're releasing the tensions that were hiding those issues. You'll probably find enough pain and suffering already trapped in the body-mind: I suspect it isn't necessary to add more suffering by poking yourself. 

3. Make sure your psychiatrist and/or therapist are aware of any suicidal ideation. If suicidal thoughts get worse or your thinking becomes disordered, contact a professional or go to the hospital. Sometimes meditation can exacerbate pre-existing depression and staying on top of it is a good idea.

For what it's worth, I think working in Culadasa's system is a lot healthier for someone with depression than Mahasi noting. Developing the bliss of deep samadhi will address the depression directly. There are posters here, myself included, who continued to experience depression after 1st path. In retrospect, it would've been healthier for me to develop jhana thoroughly before trying to reach stream-entry.
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Ward Law, modified 7 Years ago at 12/1/16 8:09 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/1/16 8:09 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 123 Join Date: 9/7/15 Recent Posts
Culadasa's online forum is now at http://dharmatreasurecommunity.org/forums
Matthew, modified 7 Years ago at 12/1/16 3:58 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/1/16 3:58 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 119 Join Date: 1/30/13 Recent Posts
Thanks, Wardlaw. I updated the link in my original post.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 1:54 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 1:00 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Matthew - thankyou  so much for posting your comments.  I really appreciate them.   And you are right - I have given up the tweezers lol - they did work, but only very short-term - I was back into strong dullness within seconds.    Thankyou also for your concern, but I really have no desire for self-punishment - I just thought it might work quicker lol.  

I also am not suicidal - when I felt that way, that's when I knew I had gone far too far down into depresssion, and that's when I knew I needed help - as in the SSRIs.   I am so glad you said you got stream entry while on them.   Gives me hope.  My teacher (ex) is a Theravadin monk, in an Ajahn Tong facility, and he believes that the SSRIs cover up the emotions that the meditation is supposed to deal with.   Whilst I respect his beliefs, I could not have continued - the depression was far far too serious.

I'm also really happy that he's no longer my teacher, as it made me investigate and find Culadasa, and I'm doing really well with his system - I can see exactly what stage I'm at and where I'm going and it's very cool.  And like you, I think for someone like me, his system will get me to stream entry with a great deal more safety and hopefully less suffering.  

As to my practice, for the first time since early August, I've missed around 10 days of meditation.   I've let earthquakes (I'm in New Zealand), internet outages and life in general to stop me (nothing like a 4.7 earthquake to cure strong dullness lol).   But back into it now and finding I haven't lost a lot, in fact some things are even better now.   
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 1:54 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 1:54 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Also - I've been enjoying Culadasa's forum for a few weeks now and I will organise another teacher shortly - I hope to get Tucker Peck.  emoticon
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Ward Law, modified 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 7:40 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 7:40 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 123 Join Date: 9/7/15 Recent Posts
A general cautionary statement about SSRIs: If one decides to stop taking them, it is critical to taper the dosage over a long period of time (months or even years). Going cold turkey or tapering too fast can result in severe and prolonged mental, emotional, and physical suffering. The longer one has been on the drug, the longer the period of tapering required. Even with gradual withdrawal, the aftermath can be quite difficult. Any doctor who does not tell you that, or who claims that SSRIs are placebos, is incompetent.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 12:12 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/12/16 12:07 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Wardlaw:
A general cautionary statement about SSRIs: If one decides to stop taking them, it is critical to taper the dosage over a long period of time (months or even years). Going cold turkey or tapering too fast can result in severe and prolonged mental, emotional, and physical suffering. The longer one has been on the drug, the longer the period of tapering required. Even with gradual withdrawal, the aftermath can be quite difficult. Any doctor who does not tell you that, or who claims that SSRIs are placebos, is incompetent.

ABSOLUTELY ABSOLUTELY AGREE!!!!!  

Wardlaw, it took me decades to understand this.   For many people, they can come off SSRIs just fine.   For thousands of others, like me, it's hell.   I would lose most of my hair, get ringing in my ears, vertigo, bowel problems, fuzzy vision and many other symptoms, including what appeared to be the return of the depression, only much worse.  It wasn't until I found a website with thousands of other people with similar and much worse symptoms that I finally 'got' that these were all related withdrawal symptoms.

The last time I came off them, I took almost 2 years to come off the final 5 mgs (a quarter of a tablet).   I had no symptoms at all doing that.   I was lucky - many people never fully recover from their withdrawal.   Going back on them was huge for me - I tried so hard to not go back on them.   Meditation was one of the ways I was using to attempt to stay away from the SSRIs lol.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/13/16 2:25 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/13/16 2:14 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
242 hours

1st session - 60 mins
Worked mainly on trying to keep continuous introspective awareness, which was quite difficult as strong dullness kept interfering. Given up on the tweezer technique - it seemed to work for only a few seconds. Stretching, yawning, clasping hands on top of head, tensing muscles, taking deeper breaths and letting out slowly through pursed lips worked for several minutes, which is the correct way to deal with strong dullness according to Culadasa. I am also using the experiences to investigate dullness thoroughly.

2nd session - 45 minutes This session went well. A textbook early Stage 4 I think. Although I didn't intentionally concentrate too much on it, I noticed that my extrospective awareness was a lot stronger this time - I was much more aware of my body and bird and neighbour noises. I think my early Mahasi work gave me more introspective awareness, so I have to work at extrospective more.

There were also two flies in the room which were a bit alarming as they kept buzzing near my face lol. So, because of the improved awareness I think, I didn't go into strong dullness until very near the end, just once I felt it begin and did the stretching, yawning, deep breaths and muscle tightening and then continued for another 10 minutes or so.

I'm fairly sure I'm in subtle dullness most of the time, but Culadasa says that's not only normal for this stage but useful as it helps to calm the mind I think. So I was getting subtle distractions where a thought would pop up but only for a few moments and didn't distract from the breath. A few gross distractions where a thought would catch me, but again, only for a few moments.  

There's a memory popping into awareness that I think is going to get strong soon and I'm going to have to deal with it. This is how the last big 'purification' seemed to happen - a memory came casually a few times until it suddenly grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Not looking forward to dealing with this particular memory, so I'm doing what Culadasa says and ignoring it until I can't any longer. And studying up what to do when that happens - deal with the physical stuff first, then when I'm ready and up to it, deal with the emotional part. And if it overwhelms me - if I can't stay objective -open my eyes and come out of it. This seems much more sensible that what I WAS doing with Mahasi - which was looking directly at it and those emotions just overwhelmed me and got me into trouble I believe.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/14/16 3:37 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/14/16 3:22 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st session -45 minutes
The first 20 mins were good. No gross distractions and not many subtle ones either. After that I had 5 episodes of strong dullness. Definitely nowhere near as bad as they used to be - a couple of times I did a very slight nod as opposed to a Zen lurch, but mostly I think I'm catching it just before it starts and doing the stretching, tensing, breathing, eyes open stuff. And of course, because of the dullness, I had a few gross distractions for a few moments.

2nd session - 45 minutes
Around 33 gross distractions, where the mind lost more than 50% attention to the breath for between. 1 and 3 seconds. 4 or 5 times I caught and corrected for strong dullness, sometimes signalled by a slight nod, sometimes I picked it up just prior to that. Very few subtle distractions - maybe 3 or so - possibly because most of the subtle ones became gross lol. And also because I think my criteria for subtle has tightened.

Until today, I've been unable to detect the movement of air on my upper lip. Felt it both on the in and the out breath today. Woot! I'm counting by using subtle movements of my fingers. I'm a Business Analyst and just can't stop the habit of collecting data lol.

All normal Stage 4 stuff I think. My job in this stage is to overcome strong dullness and gross distractions, so that's why they're showing up I suppose lol.

3rd Session - 40 mins with my 'mushroom' meditation group.
Oh dear oh dear
They really are hopeless lol.   We were asked why we meditated.  I said to get the Re-Boot (Stream Entry).   Well, the leader went off his trolley, calling it rubbish etc etc.   The meditation must be having an effect as normally I would have gotten very angry, but I did very well.   I thought my subsequent meditation would be apalling and at first it was, but then I remembered to look at the emotions etc.   So I did, and it worked and I was fine.     And I must have said something that was sensible as three people approached me afterwards and and said they were interested in what I had said and asked for more information.    So I gave them some links.   Woot!   lol
255
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/15/16 4:35 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/15/16 4:27 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st session - 45 mins
58 subtle distractions. 4 corrections for strong dullness. No gross distractions except for the 4 strong dullness episodes. At the beginning of the session, I said out loud my strong intention to keep constant introspective awareness so that I would pick up subtle distractions before they became gross distractions. Wow - intentions are cooooool!!

The 58 subtle distractions were all very brief thoughts about what I was doing right now or self-talk about what I was doing right now (the practice). So thoughts like "Is that dullness getting worse?", or "is that a subtle distraction or self-talk". So I'm not even sure they were subtle distractions as Culadasa says that thoughts about the current moment IS being in the moment. I'll have to check.

I THINK I was in subtle dullness most of the time, but apart from the 4 corrections, it didn't get stronger. Still learning about this.... Also, it seemed to me that when I intentionally increased introspective awareness, it seemed to automatically increase attention. ?? I think I managed to maintain almost continuous introspective awareness throughout the whole sit (apart from the dullness episodes).

2nd session - 25 mins - listened to a guided meditation by Tucker Peck
Wow - really clearly perceived the breath sensations. Kept pretty good introspective awareness and for the first time, saw a few things - images, thoughts etc, just come and go in awareness. Prior to this, most times I see a thought, it usually just stops it, but this time I don't recall many thoughts catching my attention at all, I'm pretty sure they all just stayed in awareness. Woot!

Felt alert but relaxed, except towards the end when I thought I detected subtle dullness starting. Can't remember how I detected it, but just after that, Tucker's voice came on and I very slightly startled - which confirms it was subtle dullness. Woot woot woot. This Culadasa journey is sooo interesting. Every day there's something to keep you knowing you're making progress, or at least on the right track. Enjoying it very much as opposed to the Mahasi noting where I never really knew where I was and it was bloody hard work and disturbing lol. Is very cool. emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/16/16 4:42 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/16/16 4:42 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st sit - 45 mins

Didn't collect data (count) this time. It made a big difference. I think the counting kept my mind busy, so fewer distractions - giving me a false sense of better success. Without the counting, this sit had quite a few more gross distractions. Not sure I picked up too many subtle distractions either as I had the intention of 'seeing thoughts etc coming and going in peripheral awareness'. Not sure I was terribly effective at that either lol. Had maybe 4 times of beginning to go into strong dullness - I got up and did a few steps of walking meditation when this happened. A few minor jerks and twitches.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/17/16 3:39 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/17/16 3:39 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
1st session - 45 mins
Oh wow lol - talk about going backwards! 45 minutes of gross distractions and strong dullness lol. Apparently normal at Stage 4. I've allowed the mushroom man to get to me. So I've been using it to have lots of mini-meds (mini-meditations) every time I catch myself thinking about it or feeling any emotions. Is good practise. emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/21/16 3:06 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/21/16 3:06 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Frustrating week dealing with dullness and with concentration shot to hell. But yesterday, I interspersed sitting meditation with just a few minutes of walking meditation as well as all the other methods for dealing with dullness. I can't do walking too much because of dodgy knees. But this worked really well and for the first time ever, I managed 90 minutes total meditation! Feeling more positive now that I can meditate through this tedious dullness stage.

Also had my first on-line meeting with Tucker Peck.   Very very cool emoticon.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/24/16 9:02 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/24/16 8:53 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
24th December - 90 min session 
MUCH better. Been listening to Rob Burbea and his playing with the breath audio. But think the biggest difference is doing walking mediation. Only doing 2 to 5 mins so far, and my concentration is horrible, but it is working. Also, picking up subtle dullness faster and doing the clenching thing then. Also, at the end, I tried putting attention JUST on introspective awareness. It seemed to work. And I still had quite a lot of attention on the breath!

I also told my sub-conscious that I was ok about purification - that I could handle it. In fact that I welcome it and to please come sooner rather than later.

Plan of Attack for a purification
Distance myself from it - maintain a strong sense of where you are now, safe, secure, sitting comfortably.
Acknowledge the validity of whatever comes up
Allow it to be there without judging or analysng - see it as being available for the mind to see clearly in consciousness and therefore in all the sub-minds what's going on
Accept it as a manifestation of hidden part of yourself - let the emotion just be until it goes away
Experience the physical feelings first
Experience the emotion - clearly show the sub-minds how it's hurting itself.

25th December - Xmas Day - 60 minute session
I think I'm beating this bloody dullness! Woot! Getting this mind trained lol. I threw everything at it today - playing with the breath, punching the air, walking meditation. And keeping strong introspective awareness! In fact, concentrating on keeping introspective awareness and not worrying too much about whether my attention was on the breathing seemed to make the attention on the breath easier! Not QUITE as focussed, but never out of awareness and often very focussed!

So... I had no dullness at all that I could pick until 30 minutes. Then noticed a wee 'woosh' (for me it's like a tiny bit of vertigo). I immediately started punching the air. Settled back and a bit later, another wee wooshy thing - I let it go a wee bit longer to see if it stabilised. It took a few more minutes to get a bit stronger, then I sat up straighter, played with the breath, tensed etc.

Then at about 40 minutes, I found myself launching myself out of the chair and into walking meditation. I was 'launching' before I had actually had a chance to really recognise the dullness starting! My mind is taking over lol.

After a few minutes of walking meditation, I sat down again and went for another 15 minutes with no dullness, rather lots and lots of subtle and occasionally gross distractions in the form of huge jubilation that I might be beating this thing. I allowed these thoughts to saturate my mind - I thought that all this positive stuff would let my mind know that this is good. Woot!
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/27/16 1:00 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/27/16 1:00 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Still getting a handle on this dullness, but think I'm definitely getting there.   Some sits I've gotten to about 20 mins before I get the first sign.   Today I did a 45 minute sit with no dullness.   Woot!   

Concentrating on keeping introspective awareness and not worrying if the breath goes a little out of the centre of attention, but still finding that doing this - I DON'T actually lose much attention on the breath.   

I'll be glad when this stage is over and I can pick up thoughts quicker once more - that part of it is pretty shot to hell right now but not to worry - beating the dullness is the main thing to work on right now.

I can hear a ringing in my ears now.   It gets louder in meditation.  It's not horrible - perhaps a little distracting at times.   
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 12/30/16 4:00 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 12/30/16 3:58 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
No strong dullness for a few days now and gross distractions have gone from around 20 each 45 minute session to NONE in the last session. WOOT!

Picking up subtle distractions much faster today also - spent a lot of time praising my sub-minds for doing that.

Last few minutes my breath was jerking, but think that may have been because I was breathing quite quickly as I was so excited and also working to up my concentration - it seemed the more I concentrated, the more awareness increased as well. Excellent!

Hopefully, the strong dullness has gone for good. It started around the 20th November and ended on 30th December. In the middle of that I missed 10 days of meditation and after that I wasn't doing very long meds. But in the last few days, I've done at least 3 daily sessions of 45 minutes as I want to hurry up getting rid of the strong dullness. Anyway Woot Woot and WOOT!. emoticonemoticonemoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/6/17 6:43 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/6/17 6:43 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
I've been dealing with strong dullness for several weeks now, but I'm starting to get a handle on it by recognising what I think is progressive subtle dullness earlier and correcting for that. I don't seem to get stable subtle dullness much, if I notice dullness, it generally progresses, so I correct for it with bigger breaths, tensing muscles, punching the air, opening my eyes, or if those work for less than a few minutes, I get up and do walking meditation for a few minutes. Still don't recognise VERY subtle dullness yet, but getting lots of practise in so I'm sure I will.

I'm getting lots of practise trying to balance attention with awareness. If I'm alert, I can get through 45 minute sessions with no strong dullness at all and few distractions. Other sessions I'm battling the dullness after 15 to 20 minutes, and in my morning sessions (I hate mornings), it starts almost straight away. My concentration has gone massively downhill since this dullness thing started, but that means I'm getting lots of practise in bringing my attention and awareness back again and again and again lol. So all good.

Enjoying my weekly eSangha meetings with Tucker Peck. emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/6/17 8:15 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/6/17 7:29 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Sat 7th January 2016
280 hours
TMI Stage Four

Just had the most wonderful session. After so long dealing with strong dullness and losing concentration and struggling etc, I just had 45 minutes of what felt to me like calm, alert attention and awareness, where for most of the time Attention was clearly on the breath and yet I was aware of EVERYthing in Awareness. Both intro and extrospective. It's the first time I have felt that Attention and Awareness were completely separate and continuous. No dullness at all. Breathing was very very quiet. Not shallow, but very different to what I'm normally aware of - I normally feel that I'm controlling the breath, but this time it felt like the breathing was pretty natural. Long, slow, light and easy yet deepish breaths. No gross distractions at all. Lots of subtle distractions in the form of flies in the house and lots of thoughts coming up in Awareness - but the difference this time was that I didn't feel that Attention went to them - my breath was almost always in clear Attention. I was also able to label many of the thoughts - like 'planning', 'remembering'. WOOT!

Just this morning I had listened to a guided meditation called 'Guided Meditation with Adyashanti'. About meditation being about being aware of being aware. I think this was a big part of what helped to get such a good result. It's 30 minutes long. I'm going to listen to it again tomorrow morning. I've also been studying up on preparing for dealing with future 'purifications', so maybe the mind feels it's ready to let me start concentrating again so that these things can come up. Feeling cool. emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/11/17 3:43 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/10/17 1:41 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Wed 11 Jan 2017
290 hours

I seem to be definitely winning the battle with strong dullness. It hasn't been there for days now. I pick up a little 'whoosh' in my head after maybe 25 to 30 minutes and if I tighten my muscles and punch the air for a couple of minutes, then it doesn't go any further. Sometimes I have to do this every 3 to 5 minutes for the rest of the session, and some sessions I can feel the smallest whoosh and just take a few bigger breaths and that deals with it. Some sessions I get no progressive dullness at all.

I am getting quite a lot of twitches and jerks - mainly in my legs. Lots of itches and feeling like fleas are jumping onto me (I've just discovered my cat has picked up a few fleas). I don't feel like this outside meditation.

On good sits, I have started working on Stage 5 body/breath exercise - expanding the attention. I'm currently using Culadasa's guided meditations on these. Have re-read Stage 5 and also Stage 6 in preparation for these Stages.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/17/17 1:59 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/17/17 1:57 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Almost 300 hours

Practice this week has been up and down. Strong dullness I have under pretty good control - if I'm a little short of sleep, I don't meditate in the mornings (mornings suck lol), and other times I pick up the first signs and if I catch it early enough a big breath or two fixes it. If it's a little worse, then I stand up and meditate. But often, I don't have strong dullness at all. Phew! Hope that intensely icky stage is over now.

So, generally practising at Stage 4, but I try to listen to one of Culadasa's guided Stage 5 body meditations once a day also and I'm amazed that I can feel breath sensations in other parts of my body.

My sessions are very much up and down at the moment. I had one session a couple of weeks ago that was AWESOME, and Tucker said it sounded like late Stage 6. But normally now, I'm getting lots and lots of thoughts happening in peripheral awareness and they often briefly take over more attention. Much more often than I'm used to. Before this stage, when I invoked peripheral awareness, it automatically stopped all thoughts and I was never able to understand Culadasa's instruction to "let them come, let them be, let them go", as I just didn't have thoughts if my awareness was in action. But now, I have soooo many thoughts going on, and it's proving difficult to not let them take over. And I have started to have LOTS of 'good ideas' and have a real battle some times to not let them take over lol - thoughts that seem REALLY IMPORTANT like getting a bigger pot for my liquid manure making. Lololol. All good practice.

Quite a lot of leg jerking and twitching.  

Loving the weekly eSangha meetings with Tucker and my group. emoticon
Junot, modified 7 Years ago at 1/19/17 8:03 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/19/17 8:03 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 3 Join Date: 1/6/17 Recent Posts
Hi there,
Well done on your continued progress!

Could you post a link for the stage 5 body scan guided by Culadasa?
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 12:36 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 12:36 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Junot:
Hi there,
Well done on your continued progress!

Could you post a link for the stage 5 body scan guided by Culadasa?
Thanks Junot emoticon

This one is the body scan one:-
http://s3.amazonaws.com/dharmatreasure/LOM_day_5_Afternoon_Body_Scan_Meditation_Only_030412_TrNrLc.mp3

and this one is the Stage 5 expanding the scope of attention:-
http://s3.amazonaws.com/dharmatreasure/jhanas-meditation-and-discussion-sat%20am.mp3

XX
Junot, modified 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 5:38 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 5:37 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 3 Join Date: 1/6/17 Recent Posts
Thank you so much emoticon

How on earth did you find it? I could really use some help navigating that site as the talks aren't labelled very well and I'd love to find some talks/guided meds on specific stages.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 7:06 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 6:58 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Junot:
Thank you so much emoticon

How on earth did you find it? I could really use some help navigating that site as the talks aren't labelled very well and I'd love to find some talks/guided meds on specific stages.
I found a link to it in someone else's post. I've been looking for other guided meditations also, but no luck so far - I can't navigate the site either lol.

I did find some of his guided meditations and awesome talks on the method that i used for some weeks when I was first starting with TMI. They were awesome but apart from one, I don't think they went past the first few stages. They were part of the series:- 'Sit, Breath, Wake-up. October 2015', Part 1-9 and can be found on this page. http://dharmatreasure.org/section/dharma-talks/page/3/ 

I also found this page, but I didn't find any meditations that covered more Stages. But I haven't checked them all yet. http://dharmatreasure.org/section/guided-meditation/

If you do manage to find mediations on other stages, please let me know junot - that would be great.

Cheers
synelg xx
Junot, modified 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 10:53 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/20/17 10:53 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 3 Join Date: 1/6/17 Recent Posts
Sure thing!
And thank you again emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 1/25/17 12:20 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 1/25/17 12:19 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
My sessions this week have been up and down.  Some quite good sessions - good in the sense that I had no dullness and very few gross distractions, others where I had to deal with dullness and lots of gross distractions - particularly thoughts about a project I'm currently working on that I'm really excited about.  Other sessions that were mainly twitching and jerking and wriggling and yawning.   And... I used think you people were just mad when you talked about some of this stuff, like at a certain stage you can't tell whether you were on an in breath or an out-breath, I mean..come on!,  but it's happened to me three times this week - just one breath where I was stumped as to whether it was an in or out breath.  Gaaah lol.

Tucker Peck says I'm in Stage 4 with glimpses of higher stages.   The eSangha meeting I have with him and other students each week has become very important, informative, inspiring and enjoyable to me.   
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 2/1/17 2:07 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 2/1/17 2:02 AM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
This Stage 4 is messy messy messy.  Lolol.

Some of my meditations aren't meditations, they're Thinkitations. Others are Jerkitations where my legs jump and jerk and twitch around for the entire session. Others feel like I have an insect crawling across my skin - sometimes this is so real I have had to give in and open my eyes to check it out. Other sessions are Sleepitations, others are 'Brilliant Idea'-itations, others are really quite good and I can see that I'm improving all the time. So in general, I seem to have strong dullness under reasonable control, but now gross distractions are the major 'thing' lol.

When I first started TMI, after 200 hours of Mahasi-style Noting, I didn't have gross distractions - I could pick up a thought as it arose and then it would disappear. Now the distractions are all the time, but they are no longer 'dopey/useless' thoughts - they're thoughts that are about things I'm currently working on and am excited about - they're much more relevant thoughts than before.

This all doesn't worry me - I've done a lot of horse training and you can go through some awfully messy stages with some horses where you just don't seem to be getting anywhere, but in fact, these stages are brilliant for learning - it's just a numbers game where you keep doing the right things, correcting and rewarding over and over and over (thousands of times, not hundreds), and one day, suddenly, it's all over and you find you've made a quantum leap forward. So I'm treating this stage as brilliant training - when I've brought my attention back 10,000 times, I'll have some really good things going for me. emoticon. Also, Tucker Peck says I have the occasional foray into much later Stages and those experiences help to keep me inspired.

I continue to have ringing in my ears - often there when I'm not meditating, but just sitting reading about meditation, or sitting quietly. Neutral, but I have a feeling that I could easily make it negative, or make it very positive and lovely. 

I'm feeling great generally in life - really rather good.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 2/7/17 10:00 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 2/7/17 9:58 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Still Stage 4 ish. A lot of sleepiness now, which seems different to strong dullness. I slip into sleep - sometimes for 5 or 10 minutes, sometimes for over an hour. I must start chucking the cat off my lap and standing up again sigh.... 

A few memories with emotions have come up - they weren't huge and I could have ignored them, but I used them to practise the Acknowledge, Allow and Accept thing. I did have a situation come up this week that set me off being really angry and upset. The situation would normally have left me ruminating for days and maybe weeks, but I was able to deal with it in the next meditation, and now - even though the situation is still there, it's well, not causing me much suffering at all.

Still lots of gross distractions - usually around 25 each 45 minute session. My legs are still jerking upwards a lot. Not too violently, it doesn't make the cat get off my lap anyway. And I still get a very small insect crawling on my skin often and more itches than usual and whenever I check - I've got the ringing in my ears.

I did have one session that I think was Stage 5. Lots of subtle distractions but no gross ones. In that session I felt what I am assuming is subtle dullness - I've never been sure what subtle dullness was before, but I felt that whole session was very different. Can't quite remember the feeling - maybe more 'dreamy'? And it did end in sleepiness.

Been listening to a lot of Rupert Spira lately
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 2/21/17 9:18 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 2/15/17 1:46 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
345 hours
Stage 4 ish.
Legs jerking - sometimes continually and for the entire sit, insects landing and itches in places I've never had itches.  Really big yawns, involving a lot of my body and muscles.   All this happens off cushion also.     

One sit was so full of itches and crawly insect feelings it was icky.  I felt accomplished that I'd managed to meditate through one particularly icky feeling that something was crawling in my hair.   When I finished and stood up, a big black spider jumped out of my hair!   AAAARGH!   Lololol.
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 2/21/17 9:20 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 2/21/17 9:05 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
360 hours
Substantially less itching and creepy-crawly insect feelings this week. The leg jerking has also been more like a storm than a hurricane and I've been able to 'direct' the jerking into less traumatic forms such as rolling my legs sideways instead of jerking upwards as I was getting very sore muscles.

I usually get 15 to 20 minutes of good meditation in before the jerking or strong dullness starts. Usually in this period I have no or just one or two gross distractions and often very few subtle distractions. After the jerking or strong dullness starts, then attention and awareness deteriorate but I then get great practice in bringing the attention back to the breath and rejoicing. The more the merrier I say - more towards my 10,000 lol.

When i notice strong dullness, I stand up and count 10 breaths where I've kept attention on the breath before I sit down again. Standing is a bit difficult for me due to injuries. So I tend to stand up and sit down several times in a session.

One particular sit was quite different - with a very different quality.  It was wonderful - I felt very very aware and very um.... blissful isn't the word I would use, but it was lovely and I really really wanted the feeling to stay forever. It's the first time I've ever related to a sit feeling really good. I noted that I was very attached to wanting this really lovely feeling to stay. It didn't feel dull, I could notice everything in attention and awareness more clearly than usual. It did degenerate into dullness eventually.   My teacher thinks it may have been Sukha
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 3/14/17 4:00 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 3/14/17 4:00 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
380 hours
I've missed at least 2 days of meditating this week - unusual for me.   And instead of at least 2 x 45 min sits, I've often only done one 20 to 45 minute session.   I think I'm avoiding some sort of purification.   Still, I believe I am improving in skill all the time.   The intense jerking of my legs has diminished and I am able to concentrate on body scanning stuff for at least 15 minutes of a sit before dullness or jerking/itching sets in.   When I am body scanning - looking and putting Attention on breath sensations in various parts of my body, I notice that it's easy to forget to keep Awareness - the body scanning seems to stop many 'distractions'.   But then, because I'm not keeping Awareness, I eventually drift off into thought and then I bring myself back to Stage 4 - keeping both Attention and Awareness with each breath until I've stabilised a little, then back to body scanning if I've been able to do that - otherwise I keep working on dealing with dullness or distractions
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 3/23/17 2:26 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 3/23/17 2:26 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Mainly Stage 4 practices this week.

I had a day or two of having old memories come up, both in meditation and in sleep.   They didn't reach out and 'grab' me, in fact when I first noticed them in meditation, I had to chase them.   The memories were ones which SHOULD have brought up a lot of suffering, but they didn't - the emotions were very mild around them.   

The leg-jerking still seems to be gradually declining, with intermittent jerks now instead of continuous jerking.   Insect crawling and biting sensations still there though - both on and off cushion.

I now slip into sleep while meditating.   Seems different to dullness - I get no warning, just fall asleep.   Tucker thinks it might be avoidance and to meditate with my eyes open.   I find this really hard and still want to go to sleep lol.   So I keep trucking on trying various things like standing up which I hate and I'm still sleepy anyway.  Oh well, it is what it is.  emoticon
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synelg, modified 7 Years ago at 3/29/17 2:33 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 3/29/17 2:33 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
<p>The jerking, insect crawling, gross dullness and falling asleep have been vastly improved this week. &nbsp;emoticon. &nbsp; Quite a few old bad memories which should have been painful came up and weren&#39;t that bad at all. &nbsp; &nbsp;One memory came up that happened in my childhood and which until it came up today I hadn&#39;t ever recognised as a very happy memory. &nbsp; Which was cool. &nbsp;</p>

<p>There was also the beginning of a train of thinking which was horrifying - I shut it down as I believe I was beginning to make something up which hadn&#39;t happened at all! &nbsp; It persisted for quite a while and I made myself watch some mindless TV to take my mind off it. &nbsp; I was alarmed to think I could make up such a thing because of meditation.</p>

<p>I managed to do two two-hour sits this week - I usually do 45 mins or an hour at most. &nbsp; A lot goes on in the longer sits yes? &nbsp; Lol. &nbsp; Changes all the time. &nbsp;&nbsp;</p>

<p>Although I can feel breath sensations in all parts of my body, I haven&#39;t been doing any body scans this week as I thought I was still in Stage 4, but Tucker thought this week that I may be more in Stages 5/6 which is really exciting. &nbsp; &nbsp;I haven&#39;t read those Stages in the book for ages as I thought I&#39;d be in 4 for ages yet. &nbsp; Will get stuck in tomorrow.</p>
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synelg, modified 6 Years ago at 4/12/17 5:09 PM
Created 6 Years ago at 4/12/17 5:09 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
Oops - here's last week's post:-

Mostly worked on Stage 5 body scanning this last week. Took an hour and a quarter to cover all the spots on my head, in between dropping off to sleep a couple of times for a minute. I can feel breath sensations everywhere I put my attention (so far). Sometimes it takes a minute or two to find the sensations. Tucker thinks I should move onto Stage 6 - aaaargh! Lolol. I spent so long in Stage 4, I didn't think I'd be moving on so quickly. OOOO! Woot woot!
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synelg, modified 6 Years ago at 4/12/17 5:17 PM
Created 6 Years ago at 4/12/17 5:14 PM

RE: Synelg's Practice Log

Posts: 63 Join Date: 9/26/16 Recent Posts
415 hours

Been working on breath sensations this past week.   Lots of dreaming and lots of old memories coming up.   Very old memories that I haven't thought of for decades.   Some of them bad memories, some just old memories.   One particular dream plunged me right back to a bad childhood memory.   I thought I had dealt with this particular issue a long time ago, but the feelings in the dream were incredibly intense.   The next day when that same memory came up in meditation, it was  quite neutral and I wondered why I'd had the dream because it really isn't an issue for me any longer.

Leg jerking doesn't happen much currently, but my feet jerk and twitch and move a lot, both on and off cushion.    It's not distracting and feels like it's sort of continuously letting off some sort of steam lol.

I'm sitting much longer than my usual 45 minutes nowadays - usually between 1 and 2 hours.   I feel very happy to keep sitting longer and as a consequence go through various stages during the sits.   Don't get much subtle dullness (as far as I'm aware), and when I do, I think it's just when I lose awareness because I'm concentrating on the breath sensations so much.  Often just consciously reinstating awareness again gets rid of the dullness in a few seconds.   If I meditate in the mornings, I do sometimes fall asleep for between a few minutes and 15 minutes.   This feels very different to dullness - mornings are not my thing at all lol.    When this happens in a sit I just re-start meditating again lol.   Doesn't happen in the evenings which are my best times.  emoticon

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