James F FHi Dharma Overground,
I'm very glad to have found this community. Prior contact with messy/non-transparent teachings made progress seem like a sisyphean task, so it's very refreshing to find such a clear map. I'm just having a difficulty understanding where I am.
This is not a useful question to ask. Because in every retreat you do, you'll go through all kinds of states on the map, period. Don't get lost in this map-thing, it can be used very wrong.
I have a retreat starting, so I'd be very grateful if anyone could help diagnose my situation and offer any advise for practise during/after the retreat.
Kind regards,
James
Interesting experiences. I didn't have those experiences at such an early age, but on the internet, quite some people report it. I can hardly fathom the irritating isolation that must come from being thrown on the path at such an early age without any guidance and understanding from your parents/teachers/etc. let alone your peers, which basically live in another world altogether.
About the other states: No unambiguous identification possible. For example, the feeling of being trapped in a labyrinth is a typical re-observation thing. Does that mean you were in re-observation at that time? maybe. Does it mean you were in re-observation after that? No, not really.
About your description of the state after your first Goenka retreat (glassiness) : It sounds very much like my experience at my first Goenka retreat. May be equanimity or A&P.
Keep in mind that there is the effect of the first time. It is often very strong. The fact that you experience this very intensely in daily life for more than a week says little about the efficacy of the technique, it just says that it was your first retreat (:
Anyway, I have 3 pieces of advice for you:
1) Don't worry about where you are on the map. You are on the path, this is obvious. Seems like there is no going back for you, and this has been clear for more than half of your life. You're not alone, though without a community it often seems so. The only thing you should worry about is finding a method which works for you. Then apply that consistently, and things should work fine.
2) About your upcoming retreat: Do I understand it correctly, that it is a Goenka retreat?
You are still rather new to this stuff. Just follow the instructions and don't try to somehow improve on them by guessing your place on the map or something. This will just lead you astray.
If it's not a Goenka retreat, the same advice applies.
3) About long-term: Goenka's tradition has important positive aspects. I've done only one retreat in it, so I can't say too much about it, though. But I want to say this: There are different approaches which are just as powerful. If Goenka's approach works great for you, there's no reason to do something else.
But often, people just stay there because it's comfortable or because it's cheap or because they remember their powerful experience after their first retreat and try to recreate that or they buy in Goenka's ridiculous statements about how his technique is the true Buddha's method or something (LOL).
I would endorse that everyone does some (or even a lot of) shopping around and tries different traditions and/or methods. Ignore people who accuse you of spiritual materialism or whatever term is used nowadays to shame people who thoroughly explore their options.
This thing is far too important to just stay with the first approach that seems somewhat okay. I learned that noting worked very differently for me than Goenka. Later I learned that Brahmavihara-based practice is completely different, and also worthwhile. I half-expect to learn about even more approaches down the road.