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Shouldn't have gotten married

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Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/9/17 6:17 PM
and had kids.
I love all three but talk about attachments!  (and commitments)

I'm lucky if I can get a half hour of sitting in once a week.  I found out about meditation and Buddhism too late.  Maybe when they grow up a bit I'll make some progress.  

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 12:11 AM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Off. Cushion. Practice.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 12:44 AM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Yep. Make relationships your practice. Make your practice happen with eyes open. Do work with mindfulness and see how much energy you save. Intentions and actions are a huge part of Buddhism.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqX5IFKYFWk
Dealing with Anger, Resistance, and Pessimism

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 2:45 AM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Besides what others have said, your children can benefit from meditation too. Just something for you to think about. emoticon. They may learn and experience enough to want sitting time too. You never know. Mine has.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 6:14 AM as a reply to abe lincoln.
the above replies are all really good advice.

additionally i would say that you are entitled to take the time you want to do what you deem important for yourself.  this is fundamental.  insisting that for one hour per day (or whatever you deem right for yourself) is also a good lesson for your children as a demonstration about what you hold important and how you choose to invest your time.

time sitting quietly alone is far healthier in many ways than staring as a group at the propaganda screen or sitting around a table with five cell phones each in their own separate worlds.  these are examples, i'm not implying anything personally about your situation.

take the time YOU need.  that is also a gift to them

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 8:31 AM as a reply to tom moylan.
Thank you everyone!

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 6:04 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
How old are your kids? Play meditation with them can be wonderful. One of my favourite times with my toddler is when we sit down and do some "metta feelings" and he wishes may all the airplanes be happy, may all the trains be healthy, may the squirrel outside our window be safe, etc. After the very first time we did that he started expressing differently his feelings of longing for absent or inaccessible people/things, like whereas before he would say I want my grandmother, now he takes the chance to wish her health/happiness/safety/peace/the ability to take care of herself with happiness. He has a fun thing to do with me and "with" her BECAUSE she is absent.

And there's always 5 am.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 6:59 PM as a reply to housecrow.
Wow - that's awesome.

They're 6 & 3.  I had a bit of a practice before my second was born.  But with his arrival, and with some other life challenges that arose, something had to go and it was my practice.  TBH I didn't feel like I was getting much out of it.  I did a lot of mindfulness off cushion and vipassana.  

I saw Daniel on blogging heads and really liked his practical approach.  I had also been frustrated with the obtuse language of much of what I read.  I read most of his book recently and started doing some concentration meditation (staring at a bowl).  I would like to get to(/experience/however you say it) the first Jhana - it would give me something to build on.  I'm an athiest (raised catholic) and I really liked Bhudda's encouragement to do it as an experiement.  Unfortunately for me, and probably due my being overwhelmed by having 2 kids and providing for them, the experiment didn't seem to yield much.  The Jhana's seem like some 'proof' I would like to experience and propel me forward.

p.s. I know my practice is the one thing I shouldn't have let go of, and it would have helped me get through some things better, but alas, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  And at this point in my life, the flesh is weaker than it's ever been.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 7:31 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
There's a meditation game I've been doing with my daughter, who is 6 years-old. Back and forth, with eyes closed, we would tell each other what thoughts come to our minds. At first it was like "I'm thinking of a dog" -  "I'm thinking of you" - "I'm thinking of my toys", and so forth. This exercise could be seen as a preparation for her to learn to disembed from thoughts. Now our game has evolved to where we will note, out loud back and forth, whatever happens in terms of breath, body sensations (itching), hearing, and thinking. So it could be like "breathing" - "thinking" - "itching" - "hearing", and so on. I keep the vocabulary simple to match what she is able to note herself. 

This is an exercise developed by Kenneth Folk (back and forth out loud noting) and that I have adapted for doing with a child. Just doing this with my daughter can get me to experience good concentration and A&P type phenomena. 

You may want to try this :-)

Benoit

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 9:01 PM as a reply to Ben V..
Wow - that sounds very cool, I'll definitely try it out!  I do yoga with her at times, and we do some progressive relaxation CDs together.  I think she'll like this.

Thank you

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/10/17 9:53 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
FYI I get in an extra hour of noting practice each day, currently, just by doing noticing practice in the drive to/from work. You can tranform lots of activities like this, whether it is washing, cleaning, walking, eating, etc. 

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/11/17 3:15 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Great that this topic of marriage+kids came up as I don't remember it ever has before.

I suppose most people in Western countries should have some leisure time that can be used for practice, at least in part. I'm enterpreneur with two small kids (3 and 1 yo) and both me and my wife do get some daily time alone. Maybe it's just 20 minutes (or some more) but that's way better than nothing.

When my daughter was maybe 2 yo, she had some emotional fit. I calmed her down and asked her where the "bad feeling" is, asking her to point to it's location with her finger. It took me 2-3 times to get her to understand what I meant but eventually she got it (for a few times before she got fed up by her dad asking the idiotic question every time she had a fit, ha). I remember those few times she got it, the amazement on her face when the emotion vaporised in a split second and she got back to calm state again.

Now, at 3 yo, she chants mantras for Guru Rinpoche and others on daily basis. We chant mantras in the house all the time, like when blessing a meal and at other times just to keep fresh in the hectic daily schedule with small children. I also had sneaky plans when my daughter was very little as I began to give her healings and massages. Not a day goes by that she doesn't ask for it, she really likes it. At some point she realised she can also give healings and massage to mommy and daddy. Aahhh... Mission accomplished. emoticon

Kids learn this stuff very quickly emoticon

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/11/17 3:43 PM as a reply to Kim Katami.
Thanks for the tip Tim - I have done some work with my daughter trying to locate the 'bad feeling' but haven't been consistent.  I should try to do that more.

I do have some time, but I'm either tired or have one of a million other things I want/need to do.  I know the response is no excuses, prioritize the practice.  But the truth is, unlike most people on this board it seems, I'm not sure I'll be ever able to make much progress in my practice.  I felt like I was at one point to a degree and am trying to get back there, but you folks are way past me. I was probably 'doing it wrong' in the past but I stepped away because as soon as I came up against a tough part in my life, it was like I hadn't been practicing at all - like my practice did nothing for me as soon as I really needed it.  I feel like I'm ready to maybe try again which is how I've found myself here.

And that's ok for me - I just hope that I'm not weighing anything down here with my noob-ness.  I realize this is hardcore and I love lurking so apologies if I'm a bit out of my league posting.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/11/17 11:01 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Keep in mind that you can make the breath enjoyable and luxuriate in it. Let the pleasure of the breath compete with other pleasures and other negativity. When the breath is irritating then adjust it to what you like at that moment (more air or less air). Sometimes just staying with the breath until the mind unlocks with stress is enough and then continue on with your tasks. It's hard for everyone. We all have decades of conditioning to deal with.

I tend to recommend a welcoming practice which I think can be used even in day to day life which can smooth out an overly tight practice.


http://dharmaseed.org/talks/audio_player/210/9813.html

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/11/17 11:45 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Google  "The Path to Enlightenment I". This PDF is free. This should help you.

Metaphor: Meditation is akin to part time dishwasher. If your restaurant is sucessful, then you need a full time dishwasher. Practice is akin to full time dishwasher.

Mindful awareness of the 4 foundations 24/7 minus slumber time is what you should be practicing. It progresses you much further and faster than if you meditate and not practice.

Took a man 25 years to have a still mind through meditation, because back then it was the 70s. 

Now, we have plethora of information such as satipatthana. You can practice even if you don't have time to meditate. I did mental noting of only 1 year to cease train of thoughts. 

Learn walking meditation. Whole family can do that.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/12/17 3:03 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
abe lincoln:
Thanks for the tip Tim - I have done
some work with my daughter trying to locate the 'bad feeling' but
haven't been consistent.  I should try to do that more.

I do have
some time, but I'm either tired or have one of a million other things I
want/need to do.  I know the response is no excuses, prioritize the
practice.  But the truth is, unlike most people on this board it seems,
I'm not sure I'll be ever able to make much progress in my practice.  I
felt like I was at one point to a degree and am trying to get back
there, but you folks are way past me. I was probably 'doing it wrong' in
the past but I stepped away because as soon as I came up against a
tough part in my life, it was like I hadn't been practicing at all -
like my practice did nothing for me as soon as I really needed it.  I
feel like I'm ready to maybe try again which is how I've found myself
here.

And that's ok for me - I just hope that I'm not weighing
anything down here with my noob-ness.  I realize this is hardcore and I
love lurking so apologies if I'm a bit out of my league posting.

If you are attracted towards theravada-style training, great, go for it.

But
I'd like to say that there are other kinds of training methods as well,
like  mahamudra and dzogchen that have quite different take on things.
They don't talk about jhanas (that require a lot of training) or other
practices that make can make one needlessly busy (not denying some of
the benefits) when all you want is to recognise the natural state and
enjoy that. It's the recognition of the natural state that matters.
Jhanas and many practices are just tools, more or less helpful in
getting there but not absolute requirements. And not everyone with a
long and arduous history in meditative training of zen or tv does really
get the natural state, I'm afraid.

I think a pragmatic mm or dz
training suits busy housholders much better than zen or tv because the
ways of training are more direct and don't require even nearly as much
mindfulness/concentration practice-wise as the lower vehicles. I suppose
that's why they say dz is for lazy people and yet dz is traditionally
set up as the highest of all of the buddhist vehicles. Yes, training is
required but the content of it varies vastly.

If I, at 38 yo,
being an enterpreneur and a father of two small kids were choosing a
path, I'd think what I really felt is the point of the whole thing and
then I'd find someone who has pragmatic way of teachings explaining
things. Having done a lot of the traditional training, mostly in zen, I
would never choose that way anymore, not because there'd be no benefit
but because it doesn't suit modern householders well. Just my personal
and casual opinion.

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/16/17 6:19 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
abe lincoln:
and had kids.
I love all three but talk about attachments!  (and commitments)

I'm lucky if I can get a half hour of sitting in once a week.  I found out about meditation and Buddhism too late.  Maybe when they grow up a bit I'll make some progress.  

Hey abe, I got your private message.  Reply function doesn't work though :?.  Can talk here if you want.  cheers

- and I changed my screen name recently.  Got sick of the old 3 C's, just in case you're wondering who I am!

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/17/17 7:00 AM as a reply to This Good Self.
Hi Good Self -

Thanks for getting back to me!  Yeah, I think a lot about suicide because of the 'suffering issue'.  I'll never do it (I hope) because of my wife and kids.  But I can't help but resent the Universe.  The amount of suffering and it's inevitability makes me want to not be part of this existence.  Buddha's solution is nice, but I feel like it's a subversion of our evolutionary programming.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I don't think it's accessible to everyone.  I think there are plenty of people that aren't wired to be able to attain enlightenment or are never exposed to the practice.  And why does it have to be so difficult to attain anyway?

Well, I'm rambling but thanks for listening emoticon

Best,
Abe

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/20/17 7:29 AM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Same family here. And I have been struggling with the same issue.
Finally to be able to do 2 sitting session per day:
  •     I woke up earlier everyday. To do so I had to reduce my sleeping time to 6h, and finally it's just fine like that
  •     Every night from 10pm I start my night practice. My wife had to get used to it

Sometime, kids wake up earlier, before I finished, and they get used to see me meditating on the cushion. This show them a good example (since kids learn from imitation).
Sometime need to abstract the noise around and use it as a practice.
Well it can be fun to be a happy Buddhist practitioner with a family ;-)
Never give-up!

RE: Shouldn't have gotten married
Answer
1/22/17 2:51 PM as a reply to abe lincoln.
Taking care of other people outweights the practice whatever meditation style you do.

if you would leave everythign behind family and stuff, you will fall hard, you won't have power to maintain discipline and you probably would start drinking and use heroine or something else.

Edited.