Hello everybody.
Last weekend I wrote an email to Daniel Ingram asking for some questions. Apart from kindly answering them he addressed me to this site (Thanks Daniel). So here I am wondering where to start and even what to ask. Let's say that I just need some light in order to understand where I am and what I have to accomplish in this weird life (in case there is really something to do).
Despite trying to do a short post it finally got very long. So I do apologise for it. If you prefer you can go straight to the “questions” section.

A little of history:
Until I was 21 I was the typical good boy. Responsable son of his mother. Shy, judgemental of men because I considered them cruel to nature and other human beings. I had a very strict moral base. Everything was white and black. You get the picture. At college (I studied physics) I experienced a kind of heart opening and began to feel strong emotions related to nature, pagan culture, earth, fire, … I felt very well and open, but it ended up a year and a half later with the opposite symptoms: depression, anxiety, dark emotions,... My life broke and I started to deconstruct most of my beliefs and way of life. My searching began:  shamanism, psychology, weird transpersonal techniques, ayahuasca, Jungian psychoanalysis, ... Until September 2015 that I started meditation. This long way of self analysis made me reach a moment where everything was relative. I could defend and oppose absolutely any idea, feeling or way of life while my life got more and more complicated and emotionally dry (addictions, difficult of getting a “normal” life and personal relationships, diseases, …).

About meditation:
I do not feel comfortable with gurus, traditions that must be followed blindly, dogmas... I started meditation on my own with the idea that only what I experienced would be considered true (and even in those cases I would be sceptical). So I read basic techniques and asked several times in the meditation subreddit. After four months of daily concentration practice (20 - 30 minutes a day) I read about the Samatha Jhanas, I read Leigh Brasington's book about it and I increased the time for meditation to about 30 - 45 minutes two or three times a day. And then those weird things started to happen. I thought many times that I was very close to the first Jhana, but it was something different. More like getting strong muscular tension (rapture?), body sensations, emotions and feelings.... until one night that I just tried to do a short meditation because I felt I was very near to get the Jhana and I realised that focusing on the noise of the breath was much more effective to get me to that trance like state. I did it just for 20 minutes, not much concentration, but very pleasant sensations in my nostrils. Minutes after it I realised that I felt weird. It looked like I had taken some drug. I started feeling very well, but when I tried to sleep I couldn't due to feeling "electrical" body sensations and sounds. I even heard and felt an electrical wave originated in my middle back. Well, next days I felt well and relaxed. Very similar sensations to having taken MDMA. Next week, it started the body movements (kriyas). Yoga-like, martial arts-like and smooth reverence-like movements. Several times a day while trying to meditate or not (because of that I stopped trying to reach Jhana because just closing my eyes the trance and movements started). It lasted for a couple of months. At the same time I experienced body sensations and emotions, short blissful moments and that tingling that moved from my lower back to my crown. Since it reached the crown I have felt it several times a day, every single day. I searched for kundalini symptoms but if it was it is definitely a soft version of it.
From may to august the kriyas almost disappeared. My meditation was basically closing my eyes and noticing the tingling and pressure of my crown until that “energy” moved to the rest of the body. Sometimes accompanied by blissful sensations, rapture?, body movements, … I could be like this for one hour, two or three times a day. I read a lot about krishnamurti, kundalini, John Wheeler and by the end of august I found Byron Katie and that way of getting to question your beliefs that I found very useful. It brought me to catch my shadow and animus/anima in a very deep way (experiencing very blissful hours of peace and acceptance of myself and the world). Then in autumn I felt I needed to go back to the real world and began to go out and meet men again (I am gay, despite I do not trust much even that). This january I realised I got quite lost and decided to retire again and focus on practice and self-analysis (is it what you call insight?) because I feel I have to catch that thing that messes my life.

My goal:
I just want to live life without fear. I want to accept myself. Live in peace with me so I can live in peace with the world. I want to get that feeling that I’m doing it right. But instead I always have the feeling that I’m doing it wrong, I should do it better or shouldn’t do something else at all. I need my head to stop searching. That’s it. But there is that fear… In other words, I just want to live a simple and joyful life.
What I guess I realised:
There is this “complex” inside my head that is so strict and has so high pretensions that is always complaining and repressing my emotions and other thoughts. I guess it is just trying to find an solution to that other “complex” that is so emotionally vulnerable, needs everything to be joyful and is very sad for being alone. I guess as well that they are both the same.

And now some of the many questions:

• For all this years I got the intuition that there was a key that would put everything in place. That there was something very precise that messed everything else and once found I would finally live life. I focused on finding it. But I am not sure. When I read the Daniel Ingram’s book I seemed to get the point that the personal mess (shadow, complexes, passions, …) were left aside (when he talks about the Dark Night of the soul he says that it is better not to deal with it, so it means that after so many Jhanas and steps the mess is still there).When I don’t meditate I’m most of the time trying to be aware of those emotions, thoughts (and their interaction) hoping that one day I will see the root of the mess. I’ve had intense moments such as when I realised (or I guess I did) that the duality victim-aggressor is not a duality as there is just aggression (and it starts when one accepts an action as a victim). So what do you think about it? Is it important to you to catch the mind wrong beliefs in order to free yourself or you just have to ignore them and go straight to enlightenment? Remember that I just want to live a “normal” life. I seem to get that whatever you observe is not you, but what do I have to do with those noisy characters that fight each other: bypass them or make them be in peace so they can work together?
• All these months I’ve got to see that there are two different approaches to “spirituality”: the long, step by step way and the straight away one. For the first one we could find the kundalini and hindu approaches, the I ching and, perhaps I am wrong, the Jhanas and Daniel’s way. On the other side we could find Krishnamurti, John Wheeler and Gangaji (quite stressing I must say, but at the same time I’ve seemed to get something from reading them such as the non-doer thing). What do you think about it?
• For the last three months I started asking the I ching (website mode) and it stressed me so much. What do you think about it? (I would love you to say that it is harmful, but I’m open to get disappointed).
• What do you think it is happening to me and where am I supposed to be (talking about the steps to enlightenment Daniel talk about)? Since I heard about Dark Night of the Soul I’ve been wondering whether the depression I had 22 years ago was related to it. But I don’t know and the mystical experience I had at college wasn’t so strong as “The Arising and Passing Away”.

Well, there are many more questions, but I guess it is enough.
Thank you so much for your time. I don’t feel comfortable doing this and I feel already embarrassed (for the length and for the content).

Hugs to everybody.

Hello Josep, welcome!

I don't know about your college experience, it might have been an A&P. What you went through with your practice after reading LB's book sounds definitely like the textbook case of accessing first/second Jhana and then going through the A&P side of it.

So what happened to you 22 years ago? I am not sure. But for me, the relationship between what I went through since I was a child, with my spontaneous A&P events, got much, much clearer with practice. So I am confident that, if you keep practicing, you will be able to answer this question for yourself. Probably around Stream Entry.




You make it sound a bit more like psychology than meditation. Vipassana is, to put it roughly, about a profound alteration in "your" relationship to "your" perceptions, not about realising something intellectually.  Don't get me wrong: Your thoughts are nice and useful, but are you relating a direct experience or something you have realised intellectually? Ask yourself, be honest with yourself. Maybe take a second look.



It is important, yes.

But: Is it important in order to free yourself? It depends on what you mean by that. Catching the wrong beliefs in the mind sounds more like very useful cognitive work, from the point of view of e.g. cognitive behavioural therapy, rather than vipassana.



This is what I do.

On cushion, I note them for what they are, without getting lost in them. Note their three characteristics and how they arise depending on causes and conditions, and how they are causes and conditions for other sense percepts (including other thoughts).

Off cushion, I work with them by considering their content too.

The two works support each other, but must not be confused, in my opinion.



I don't want to sound like a dick, but if you are asking this, you make it sound like: You get it intellectually, but your view of anatta is still a bit immature from the point of view of direct experience. I would suggest again to split your work in two, on cushion and off cushion, like I outlined above.

The relationship between the two works should gradually disclose an answer to this question of yours.




Do what works, drop what does not. Get back to us with reports about your practices and what you get from them. If you want a tip, I would suggest to follow Daniel's book, though. It worked for me.

Stay around and keep us posted! 

_____

(Sorry for the multiple edits. It's late here.)

Thank you neko for your answer.

When I wrote the post I had to be very short so I couldn't deepen much. I'll try to explain better now when replaying your answer.

It actually started cooking itself from high school. Some blissful experiences began to happen related music and nature. Despite being very closed, shy and feeling low self-esteem something began to open. First year at college I felt very well. That peace was quite intense. I was doing what I had to do and it probably neutralised that internal complaining voice. But then in June, between two exams, because I had much time I started reading a fantasy book about celts. But it was that quiet mystical nature atmosphere that trapped me. Those easy oniric images... but it was in the middle of the book, when a huge tragedy happens, that I exploded emotionally. From then on, the blissful emotions increased a lot. I felt open hearted. I needed to go to forests even at night. I felt like I needed to find some nature spirits, but at the same time very scared. The moon, music, landscapes, some situations mixed with that "in love" feeling and I felt very well. It didn't interfere with college. Until a year and a half later when that openness started to close and those blissful emotions changed to darkness, sadness, ... In that time it was when the Balkans war. I felt traumatised about it (but I know it is related to this change inside myself as I was very sad as well for that movie "Dancing with wolves"). From the very beginning I started searching, but I knew that it was a weird situation so the first thing I did was going to a "shaman" that did a course about symbolism. I am the first one to feel embarrassed to what I have shared. Since it happened I have been thinking between "that was a childish fantasy experience due to being fearful about facing real life problems" and "that was something too weird among other very weird things that have happened in my life". For the next years of feeling darkness, I had some other strange experiences. Some very bad (in January 1999 I had a kind of despair attack while watching a musical video on TV that messed all that year with high levels of anxiety) and some very blissful (such those moments when walking in the night and suddenly being dissolved in the landscape and feelling PEACE... just for 2 or 3 seconds).
It is hard to say. In one hand I have this strong tendency to analyze intellectually (despite that I do not consider myself good at it). On the other hand I have this tendency to know by intuition (and I must say that I am much better at this). I tend to think through images and relations, but the best it is when I just get an idea and it feels good. When I first read Jung I got mad. There was a strong feeling that there was something really huge in that. The way of integrating opposites really makes me "hard on". So, answering your question, I guess I will have a direct experience, but the intellectual side wants to integrate those direct experiences. I guess it is not possible for what you guys say, but I have to deal with this side.

I do separate it as well. I have the meditation on cushion when I just try to be aware of sensations (emotional, physical and mental) and then the rest of the day I deal with content.
And talking about meditation, in the beginning I tried to reach Jhana through concentration. But after that weird experience and the body doing things on its own the meditation changed to just observing. I couldn't deepen in concentration states because my meditations became quite a festival of sensations (tinglings, movements, breathing patterns, tensions, ...). These days I'm trying again to practice concentration in order to reach Jhana (despite what you said, I am not sure I have reached it according to what people say about how it "tastes"). But it looks like the meditation keeps pushing me to just noting sensations everywhere (I now feel quite confused, but for the last months I felt like I didn't control anything at all and that I just had to follow the situation).

No offense here. I do appreciate your sincerity. I guess what you say is that I better keep my impulse to rationalise aside and that the answers will come on their own.

Thank you so much again.

Hugs.

Hi Josep,
and welcome to the board
It's nice that you are able to state so clearly what you goal is currently! After reading your entire post a couple of times and reflecting on it, I found I might be able to offer some words of advice. I felt like your story reminded me of my own, if you'd like you might want to check out my practice log here on the DhO.
I feel that your goal should be reachable through Stream Entry or awakening, however one wishes to call it. What I'd like to suggest to you, is to try out this two-part formula of exploring your sense of self. You can find the instruction here: http://www.en.openheart.fi/113.
Anatta/no-self (whatever one wishes to call it), can be a tricky thing to realize, if you read my log you will see that I have struggled with this concept! I haven't tried the two part formula myself for it turned out I was already awakened. I do feel, however, that the method has something to offer, so therefore I feel like recommending it, even though I did not do it that way myself!I'd like to point out that the examples in Daniels book (which is great and I do recommend that you keep on reading!) tend to be rather extreme, one reason being that I believe he had some strong concentration going. With careful reading you will find himself also saying that these are only examples how things could play out in the worst case (especially true in the Dark night chapters) but that it can also be considerably milder. Once you familiarize yourself with the maps and keep on practising, you will in due time come to realize how these maps play out in your own experience. For me, I had the tremendous difficulties trying to identify the first stages (mind&body, cause&effect..) I thought I was so far away I was not even there yet. I think what happened was that I was just not familiar enought of the manifestation of those stages. The descriptions are sometimes a nail on the head and sometimes you don't recognize your own experience from them. Don't worry, it's enough that you are aware of this type of framework existing! Use it is it helps, and I bet at some point it will help

So to get to my point: the Arising and Passing away doesn't have to be as dramatic and all fireworks as written. To me it seems that your experience at 22 might easily be an A&P followed by a dark night a year later. I feel I went through something similar 10 years ago.
With regards to your first question, I feel that attaining stream entry might conciderably reduce the dilemma. For now it is sufficient to just keep observing what is happening. When you keep observing you will come to see how ridiculous the whole self thing is. I myself noticed, for example, that every time I was walking around a particular corner, the same though regarding my cousin would pop up. This happened daily for over six months, and the location had nothing whatsoever to do with my cousin. To me this suggests something about the way our being a self is robot-like contructions, not to be taken so damn seriously. The insight seems pretty dumb when written out like this. What I'd like to tell you, is that by keeping a close look at your experience you will come to your own conlusions, and that in the end, they matter in relieving your troubles.

Best of luck to you and keep on reporting how it unfolds!

Thanks so much for your answer, Jehanne.

I will check out your log and I've already done with the link to that "two step" technique. It's similar to what I call "the straight away" approach. I've been dealing with both kind of approaches (the fast and the slow) since I started meditation getting results in both cases. Let's see how it unfolds.
I'm having difficulties too when trying to recognise myself in the map. When the body choreographies started I only found information in the Kundalini approach (called “kriyas”). Then I found a map where I could fit much better. According to it there is firstly a “spiritual awakening” followed by a DNS (or healing phase). It can last years. After that there is the first kundalini symptoms (the kriyas and tingling sensations everywhere, for example) prior to what they call “full-blown kundalini transformation” (could it be the “arising and passing away”?). The thing is that, as I said, I fit much better in this map.

The thing is that for the last two weeks, after spending autumn “socializing” again and getting lost in it, I’ve got very confused, but since yesterday it looks something is moving again. Today I’ve experienced very strong kriyas and “energy” sensations and I feel much clear in my head that before. Let’s see what happens.

Well, thanks again and have a nice day.

Hugs,

Josep.