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Dharma Diagnostic Clinic, aka "What was that?"

Diagnostics/help needed at the DHO clinic

A little bit of history, might help diagnose my case better, I suppose. I completed Anapanasati (focus on breadth) twice when I was 12 and 13 years old respectively. Though the art was learned well but formal practise was almost close to never. At 17 I attended the first Goenka 10-day vipassana course and once again understood the technique really well however formal practise was almost close to never. All courses I attended were merely to make my mother happy (who has also completed several 10/sattipathana courses). Between 19-21, there were some moments wherein I experienced some blissful states, wherein I could feel my entire body vibrating without knowing what exactly that was.

However when I was 28 in 2012, even though I doing my dream job, things started getting darker on the inside, even though for others(friends/family) I was living a perfect life. Depressions (extrerme levels on some days) kicked in and I was unable to perform even my daily chores on some days. Disciplined life lived from the beginning thankfully prevented any major harm in the material world but inner darkness still stayed unresolved.

I started looking for the answers and stumbled upon MCTB. No amount of praise is going to help me convey my gratitude for the pragmatism in the form of this book. I read the entire book very slowly but carefully trying to understand each sentence/word and finally completed it after 6 months. At this stage, my dose of motivation was so high, that I was focusing on both mind and body objects wherever I went/whatever I did. I could meditate even when asleep. OOB experience happened once (not sure it could be lucid dreaming too, but it was very real and more than a dream for sure). I felt my body moved in an half circle and my consciousness shot high up in air from where I could see everything mostly white/foggy.

Here, I used to focus on breadth to start with and then focus on the next biggest sensation in body. When there was a tense situation, I used to almost never fall in the trap of reactivity (atleast speech & action) and could objectively deal with either the thought or the sensation. However the more I went into focusing on sensations, the farther I went away from EQ. 

"Maybe I was focusing on thoughts instead of sensations"

Things starting going on an unstoppable downfall after mid-2013 and I could not control any of that. Ofcouse, I wanted to be the blissful, sleep-meditator super-human and I could not handle the shift. I stopped meditating here. Slowly things calmed down by end of 2014. I thought I would never again meditate unless in a monastery. However today I'm 31 and once again started meditating early Jan 2017. Once again reached a milestone immediately in the first 8 days wherein I feel special (in terms of attention, intuition, judgement, awareness in sleep, etc.) However since yesterday again the dark land slide seems to have started. 

I'm hyper-reactive all of a sudden and in reality(in the past) I'm always the exact opposite. I'm almost close to certain that I am focusing on the thoughts and not sensations for some reason & this is my problem. Not sure how to resolve it. I tried hopping between the sensation and breath but that is not helping. I even tried the technique listed in MCTB to find compassion in the sesation but maybe again I'm hitting the thought/reactivity still and not bare sensations here. I dont want to get into trouble again, yet progress and not stop here again.

My practise log:
 - I wake up at 4am and start focusing on breadth
 - 4:30 switch to vipassana (body scanning and noting the sensations and moving ahead)
 - Meditate untill 5:30

During the entire I try to focus on breadth and if a noisy sensation appears, I try to look at it.

Things are again starting to go loose and I do not want to suffer like I did on my previous stint. I want to progress and go through this instead of backing off again. Unfortunately retreats is not an option, however consultation through skype, etc, is. Please help me progress further.
Which stage could I be in & I'm I doing the basics right?

My major conern is (1) increased extreme difficulty in life as soon as I increase my practice frequency & (2) uncontrollable reactivity (though I've managed to stay undetected to most except near family)

RE: Diagnostics/help needed at the DHO clinic
Answer
2/23/17 2:23 AM as a reply to world inside.
My guess, and it's just a guess:

Once again reached a milestone immediately in the first 8 days wherein I feel special (in terms of attention, intuition, judgement, awareness in sleep, etc.)


A&P.


However since yesterday again the dark land slide seems to have started. I'm hyper-reactive all of a sudden and in reality(in the past) I'm always the exact opposite.



dissolution.



I'm almost close to certain that I am focusing on the thoughts and not sensations for some reason & this is my problem. Not sure how to resolve it. I tried hopping between the sensation and breath but that is not helping.



Whatever's in the way is the way. Look closely at what's coming up: the feeling that you're focusing on thoughts and that this is your problem, the frustration, the uncertainty, the hopping.

There's really nothing you have to do - just keep noting whatever comes up, whether it's thoughts, sensations, or anything else.

That "I have a problem and I'm not sure how to fix it" thing? That's gold. That's what you're looking for. Dukkha. Look very closely at it.

RE: Diagnostics/help needed at the DHO clinic
Answer
2/27/17 7:55 PM as a reply to J C.
Thank you J C. Some of the stuff that I experienced lately was certainly difficult/not useful at all. In other words I was unable to main EQ as the provocation level of the sensations was too high. SImilar to how one would stay hungry for a couple of days and have not slept for the same duration. No idea what that was, but certainly difficult to negotiate with.

However following your advice to continue practise helped and I called one such guide I knew from the Goenka center. He asked me to increase the scanning speed. Note each area for a shorter duration than letting the sensations to complete its course. This helped beyond expectations. I'm back my in my comfort zone (analogy only - able to maintain EQ I mean) wherein I can note all sensations without loosing focus.

I know its not going to stay that way but atleast this has allowed me to increase the intensity of my practise. I'll come back here finding you all, if anything goes south again. Till then, thanks for your help. Be happy!