My concentration has improved pretty massively ever since I picked meditation back up again, but there's been a strange side-effect where I seem to actually give a fuck about people think of me again and have some intermittent obsessive-compulsive thought loops(but they're nowhere near as bad as they used to be.) and there's a strange feeling of restlessness.

When I was 'lazy' in my practise I was fairly calm and centered and didn't really care about other people nor did OCD rear it's ugly head as frequently. Why is consistent meditation seemingly making me regress and turn back into a snivelling pussy?

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not very highly attained so I doubt this has anything to do with the dark knight or whatever.

Hi Deepankar,

Here is one perspective on this.  Meditation can be thought of as deepening a familiarization with the layers of conditioned phenomena in the mind. As practice progresses the layers become clearer and the conditioned hindrances and/or defilements (greed, hatred, delusion, etc) are also accentuated which can create an increase in emotional and behavioral acuity, which you seem to describe. It can be considered a recollection practice or a sort of contemplative regression in a sense as you are investigating the conditioned grooves within the mind, some of which began when you were really young and perhaps in past lives.  It could be described as a process of reparenting the "inner child" within as you apply the wisdom, calm/concentration, and morality you have aquired through the practice to these layers of conditioned phenomena within the mind that have been ignored. Perhaps the times in your practice that you described being more "lazy" you were ignoring these conditioned layers?  I've experienced this regressive stuff  too and I suspect most folks do.  Now you get to learn to soothe the "snivelling pussy" within with skills that you may have lacked in the past.  Learning to observe these patterns with equinimity, calm, loving kindness etc...as apposed to reacting to them and reinforcing them.  I hope this helps.

Peace,

Drew

I've been trying to take this advice to heart but there's there always seems to be an undercurrent of 'shittiness' now, for lack of a better word. I don't really see how I can just abide by it.

It seems strange that this came about with no real stressors, is there even a point to this? I'm assuming it's psychological material that I haven't dealt with but I live a fairly comfortable,leisurely life. The only thing that's 'missing' is actual friends and family but I've been alone for so long I don't really care about anything anymore regarding the 'human relationships' department.

The tone of your last post seems to indicate disatisfaction despite having your needs met in a general sense as well as seeming disillusionment with the prospect of finding satisfaction in relationships. This seems like a change from your previous expereinces of feeling somewhat grounded during the times when you perceive your practice was "lazy." You mention that you don't see how you can n abide by this general sense of shittiness you are experiencing seemingly indicating a desire for deliverance from this shitty, unsatisfying experience. You seem to point towards an insight of a lacking of what may provide this relief for you (e.g. human relationships) although also seem skeptical of this. There seems to be an "insight into dukkha" tone in your email and maybe you are experiencing a taste of the dukkha nanas.  There are loads of posts on this sight on working with the dukkha nanas (dark night) and reading through how other's practices in dealing with these areas may be helpful.  Generally, the tendency to get lost in thinking/conceptual proliferation seems to feed and/or reinforce the aversion to the shittiness, from an insight practice perspective, and staying with the sensate tone of the experience tends to lead to liberating insights into the characteristics of these sensations. Learning to value the shittiness and be with it without attempting to change it seems to be the way through it although backing off on insight practices and doing pleasurable activities to ground yourself and give you a break from the shittiness is also often needed depending on the intensity of the shittiness. The shittiness, or unsatisfactoriness of experience, can train the mind to relate to sensation differently and is necessary to loosen the grip of the clinging relationship with sensation, in my experience.  I find exercise such as running, and tai chi/chi gong, helpful as it helps ground my attention in the body but also provides movement, change, and relief when there is stuckness in the shittiness. Human relationships can offer some temporary relief from the unsatisfactiness, dukkha, of sensation even if they are also unsatisfying as it offers a reminder that we are not alone in this human experience. This response is evidence of that too .  Relationships with others also help train us how to relate to ourselves to an extent when we are unable to relate to ourselves in a way that is liberating, loving, compassionate etc...  One of the reasons sangha (dharma community) is so valuable, I think, because it is another means of freeing ourselves from the misunderstanding of the separate selfness that we often get stuck in.  Psychotherapy is also a powerful means of dealing with the unsatisfactiness of phenomena when it gets intense as well as biological interventions such as medication, diet, etc...These attempts to make our lives better in the conventional sense through relationships, through making our bodies healthy and more energized, through exploring the content of our thoughts with people trained to help us navigate the story line, are practices in morality and are part of the balancing act of freeing the mind from these hindrances.  You mention practicing concentration which is also a powerful means of helping provide some relief from dukkha and/or seeing it more clearly. Loving kindness is a powerful concentration practice that can help during these times. Ultimately, this shittiness couldn't stay the same if you tried your hardest to keep it there. It will change, like all phenomena, although the habit patterns of our reactive thinking (papanca, conceptual proliferaton) tend to reinforce the shittiness and create a stuckness, making a reified object/Self, out of the shittiness. .  Know that you are not alone in this shittiness. I have certainly experienced the shittiness that seemingly comes out of no where as well as a great deal of social alienation in my life.  It is painful stuff but has helped re-condition my mind to be more at peace with and accepting of the dukkha in this experience. I suffer a great deal less from it with the thanks of insight practices, concentration practices, and the aforementioned practices in morality.  You can trust this desire to free yourself from this shittiness and allow yourself the gift to give yourself a break from it from time to time to allow you some energy and refreshed perspective allowing you to bare your attention on this shittiness which will eventually lead to liberating insight.