5 years of meditating while depressed and at the end of last year I'd somehow manage to be mentally healthy enough to be called normal. A few months ago I'd make enough progress in that I was someone who was starting to be deeply satisfied with life caused by an unexpected acceleration of enlightenment experiences. Probably caused by being introduced to self inquiry. Though, if I'm overestimating my progress, you can tell me.
What it's like : Well, I heard from Shinzen Young that people in a deeply meditative state breathe more deeply and slowly. Normal people breathe about 15 times per minute. Right now as I count it, I have about two breaths per minute which according to him, is a deep meditative experience. A few times yesterday I counted was about 2-4 times a minute. While a few counts yesterday have way more than the normal — which is the problem I'm getting to.
Recently, I was someone who hated noise as it kept distracting me. I even had some traumas in the past during my depression where I get ridiculously sensitive to noise to the point of panic attacks. While it was not as severe, it made me somewhat scared of noise. But then I asked, "What if I listened to my fears? What if I listened to noise and appreciated it?" After a few days of practice, I could feel a deep peace in the middle of a crowd.
Yesterday, I remember being so absorbed in a book that no noise could distract me though I do remember being focused, but in noise, it wasn't as much as a strong "penetration" and "depth" to it. Though, that only happened a few times during it.
At the commute home yesterday, it got even deeper. Focusing felt effortless unlike before. Like as if deep focus was trying to lay down on a cushion rather than a cold hard ground. And through the whole commute, there were no words. I didn't really see all the cars, road signs, people walking by as those concepts, but I just saw and heard them. As if they were all just mashed together as everything so much that they become nothing.
Right now, ideas and memories come up in my mind when I look at things, but it still seems different. . . As if I'm both aware of what the world is like in the idea of concepts and what it's like as wordless "nothing" at the same time. The associations and what my senses give aren't seen as the same thing anymore.
The main problem seems to be physical sensations. Ever since I was a kid, I've been incredibly fidgety. And amongst the feeling of calmness that last almost the whole day, there's a bit of agitation with how much I'm aching to move. Like small uncomfortably rough areas in one big soft blanket. I suddenly notice a castle of itches, pressure, tingling and more.
. I'm losing the feeling of "me" so much that I don't seem to lose any confidence, get embarrassed by anything or even pride on most of anything "I" do because there's no "me". That is, unlike a few weeks ago where one of my major problems was getting so high and mighty about how awesome it is to be in this state that I regress in progress. But the feeling of me sticks around with my need to move.
I thought I'd train this problem with determination sitting — a meditation made for deeper focus through not moving. The longer I try not to move, the more stressful it becomes. That is until after about 45 minutes of unsuccesfully trying not to move every minute that I get so overwhelmed by it, I have to stop.
There's also the fact that I'm a bit scared of this. I tried Kundalini Yoga once and on the first few tries, I had an experience where I experienced time did not exist, existence didn't have a difference with non-existence, a sudden questioning of cultural and spiritual beliefs on life and a bunch more. It felt like my mind was exploding with insights and my old ones were gigantic buildings toppling over. It started as a high of ecstasy and joy, progressed into a deep calmness and then turned into intense terror.
Because of that, I thought I'd move away from Kundalini Yoga and try determination sitting again. And I concentrated so deeply, I hallucinated. The furniture was warping. I was seeing static and moving colors. Holy shit.
After all that, I got so exhausted that I fell asleep and after that day, stopped meditating for a week, but came back because I missed it all.
Any progress after all that, tiny or big, that happened didn't have the same "The Big Bang" feeling to it and was just. . . pleasant and tranquil. But I'm still cautious enough to ask about it here.
What was that? Any misconceptions? What can I do next? I'm also pretty new to the idea of meditation stages so you might want to keep that in mind when communicating with me.
