Following The Mind Illuminated and just having experienced some pitti I have started to try to intellectually understand the major insights required for enlightenment. At first, I thought it's all not a big deal but slowly it creeps in on me that I am actually quite attached to my ego. In particular, I am quite attached to worldly desires. Now I am wondering how much of my drive gets lost? Will I lose pretty much the interest in women as it is just worldly desire? Or will I stop wanting to learn or change things as it is again just worldly desire? It dawns on me that by losing my worldly desires I might be very unrelatable to my friends and everyone else...I am slowly losing the interest in continuing this path as my worldly life is actually pretty good. So far I have enjoyed meditating a lot and I believe I have gained much through it (psychological purification, concentration, unreactivity, joy, mundane insights). Can someone chip in on how much is actually being lost by enlightenment and how much is gained?Furthermore, about three months ago while meditating I had this very brief loss of consciousness whereupon I didn't quite understand from where I was actually observing my experience and suddenly mental talk kicked in that was referring to me as it. Some days after (cannot exactly remember how many) I felt quite terrible, having had a lot of negative self talk and disgusting feelings for a month which I never had before. At that time I did not know anything about how insights and so on might arise as I was just in stage 3 of TMI. I thought it was connected to my meditation practice that just made me so aware of things that were always there and I was just noticing them now. Of course, I dropped my practice for some time which did not really help and after two weeks I continued practicing. Was this already some insight moment or just a little abnormality with an unconnected awareness into something that was already there?
I am actually quite attached to my ego.