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Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!)

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Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!)
arising and passing away energy insight practice kundalini dark night disappearing breath releases
Answer
8/7/10 1:57 PM
If you've got a moment, I could really use some help with my practice...

Disappearing Breath
Right now when I observe my breath it often disappears (stops, sometimes for a scary amount of time) or does acrobatics, which makes meditation challenging/frustrating. This has been going on for quite a long time (months, perhaps longer). I’m trying to improve concentration, but getting nowhere with breath as “primary object.”

Observing Emotion
Often I will switch to observing the sensations of the emotional response or emotions in general as a kind of primary object (I’m an emotional sort--anger/frustration/fear and others), which I usually sense as a mass in my throat, with bits going up to my nose or down into my chest, or even stomach. There are also many energy pulses in my body that appear unrelated I can observe without trouble, spinning like wheels in the body.

"Exploding" Emotion-Related Sensation
If I observe the emotion sensations consistently for just a minute or so, the mass “explodes” into releases (rapid-fire out breaths—sounds like I’m in labour), arm, leg or back jerking, and often crying or facial contortions. But then another one appears, and that goes on all day, every day (for years now!). This makes concentration really frickin’ difficult. But the new thing I have introduced since reading MCTB is noticing the Three Characteristics of each emotion/sensation. This hasn’t changed the result, (behind the sadness door, is the fear door, then the frustration door, then the “I can’t do this anymore” door—all with corresponding sensations, in an endless parade) but has provided some insights and perhaps more progress on the path.

Background:
The process started with a kundalini awakening in a Goenka retreat 5 (or is it 6?) years ago, which soon led to voices, visions (dead bodies, world suffering, hell type things), intense fear (like someone was behind me about to grab me), seeing many past lives (I asked to stop seeing them since all quite violent/awful/depressing), endless crying jags of 3 or more hours (while just observing, “I” wasn’t crying), weird singing and all sorts of breathing releases, twitches, and energy movements (including sexual energy). I basically stayed home and meditated (mostly a detached observation of phenomena, as I didn’t know then about watching for the 3 characteristics) for 2-3 years, until I could begin to function somewhat (or at least pretend to) in the outside world. However, I have pretty much been a hermit and barely worked since this process began. I lost interest in TV, music, etc. as well—they felt like “noise”, irritating. The old life and values fell away too. Many past desires and drives fell away. Another weird thing is my sense of time and memory. I forget things from the past, like even last week is hazy--mostly gone. Mapping this process clearly is challenging because of this memory thing. Yet my mind is clear right now--today--it's just past events that seem to disappear. Physically, I have also gone through periods of such intense upper back and neck pain I couldn’t move, though that has greatly improved now (still there occasionally). Lots of digestion problems, now mostly improved as well. Lots of other weird health stuff, come and gone.

Now:
What is left is the stopping breath thing and the constant “releases,” and these, while distracting, also seem to be forcing me to work through all my subconscious issues from this lifetime and perhaps others (once I deal with one, another comes up, and so on!). The most recent one was the illusion of romantic love, or “selfish desire”—a long-cherished illusion I thought I’d gotten rid of since it created most of my suffering in this life--built my house of cards on it. Hello Twilight! Ha. It’s almost like each segment is a course, where I will know exactly what I’m learning and why things are happening, so that even though they are horribly painful, I can stay afloat. I even get helpers, random people, books, movies and sometimes even voices in my head (which are surprisingly helpful) if I’m becoming too dark about it all (which happens more often than I’d like). This deep insight into and understanding of “selfish desire” (the in love experience) was the most challenging course yet, though I am grateful to have had Daniel’s book through it to observe the 3 characteristics in all the emotional carnage (and near derailment of my marriage and life) that it entailed. The hangover remains, however, since I now see that door doesn’t lead to happiness at all—psyche! Nowhere to go but the Dhamma now. That's the truth.

Recent Retreat Experiences
Two weeks ago I did a 7-day (short as I’d had an event I couldn’t skip) northern vipassana retreat (includes a kind of body scan less intense than Goenka’s and walking meditation). The teacher (a Thai man who has taught meditation for 25 years) asked me questions about mind/body/feelings of fear and other things, and said that I was passing through a major insight stage that he has not yet experienced? He told me the Thai name, but I can’t remember it. Though I liked his honesty, it made me wonder how he could help me, even though he said he’d helped people with it before (though he started talking about people being able to do superhuman things that I can’t do, ha). Yet, I decided to trust him and found the shorter meditation cycles he gave me (walking/sitting) did seem to help slow down the train wreck. Maybe shorter, less serious meditation is the answer—that’s what he thought? He also said I should try to stop the jerking! If I just observe it closely enough it will stop, he said! I have tried and it’s like trying to stop a freight train. Just leads to build up and a more violent release. Any serious concentration with these releases feels impossible.

I had a couple major experiences at the retreat.
One was a realization of self hatred (I couldn’t eat for the last 3-4 days, I would have to force myself to eat 1/3 of a tsp of rice, like someone was telling me to die, give up) and had physical symptoms of pain, diarrhea and nausea), which passed in a surprising moment on Day 7 into a beautiful 15-minute experience during walking meditation of incredible expansive love in my heart for all the beings around me, with no need of anything from them, no feeling of selfish desire whatsoever and a feeling of lightness I’ve never known before. It was not bliss—just love. I did metta for the whole world in that 15 minutes, as it felt like a gift to share! But then it left and I was back to a mix of mild self hatred plus sadness, frustration that the things I built my life on were so obviously illusions (and ones I wasn’t excited about giving up).

Where I Am on the Map (?)
From reading Daniel’s maps and book, it seems to be a mix of Arising and Passing Away with many aspects of the Dark Night in various stages (is that possible?). This past year was all Fear—generalized all the time, plus nightmares of being raped/murdered, and even fear of basic objects, like a blanket. That is starting to improve, but I still have a fear of beings I can’t see (i.e. ghosts--even though I don't "feel" them there, it's just fear) at night that makes it hard to be alone—I just try to observe and send metta (luckily I’m married to a fellow meditator, but he has not experienced any such things). I do try to observe fear and note it vigorously, but it’s just too big, so I use other things instead.

Last 2 weeks have felt a lot more like Misery and Disgust and a strong Desire for Deliverance! I just am so tired of it all. I see through the illusions of life, but it feels like Death. It doesn't feel like I have much to look forward to. The only thing giving me hope is that feeling of love I experienced at the retreat—I see it’s possible. I’ve signed up for another Goenka retreat in Dec. just hoping I can break through to something healthier. I feel no interest in anything. I am observing sadness most days with occasional moments of resignation that feel like relief. I see suffering everywhere (and I have been observing suffering—of the world—for years, but now it’s like I’m being shown it on purpose—it jumps out like a movie clip as I pass people on the street). I really get that it’s all impermanent, unsatisfying and there’s no self, but this doesn’t feel good right now. Also, my behaviour is changing quite noticeably in the past couple months. I notice immediately if someone is trying to manipulate me using guilt, and I won’t indulge it and have no patience for it. Also, if someone is talking about others, gossiping or whatever, I change or end the conversation. This is happening naturally. On the flipside, I have felt deep compassion for others for years now as part of this process as well--both the abuser and the victim in situations, which confuses friends and family. I forgave my father the abuse of my childhood and helped him get on the path of insight meditation and self inquiry to free himself of his own painful conditioning. Other family members don't understand this. It's a lonely path that way. And it seems to be getting lonelier and the choices tougher. I took the Redpill and there's no turning back now.

Interesting note: I have never experienced bliss! Not once. I’ve experienced meditation states that felt like equanimity and peace with light, but no wondrous expanding consciousness or bliss. I have had odd things happen, like being able to ask trees/plants questions and get an answer (Q: Do you feel anything? A: Alive.). And my intuition has grown leaps and bounds. Also, I can now understand spiritual texts that used to read like gobbledygood. Very into Krishnamurti right now and find it amazing I can follow it clearly. But that's just the Arising/passing level anyway, right?

My Intention/Goal
I have kept as my clear intention at all times to free myself of selfish desire/violence and ignorance, to see the truth for the benefit of all beings, and for my heart to overflow with love and joy to share with others, but also for this to happen in such a way that I never get lost down any dangerous side roads (maybe that’s why no bliss?). I always ask for help in my intention to keep me on the most gentle yet efficient path. That was what saved me from the worst of the kundalini stuff, by the way (in case anyone's having trouble with that old girl). I asked for it to stay only with what was useful for me to go forward, without the fringe benefits (voices whispering my name in my ear for example—creepy!). After doing that for a while, all the really weird stuff stopped.

Can You Help?
Sorry, I did go on, I know. I could really use some advice on the practice—I'm a pure vipassana girl, not much into playing with or manipulating energy--doesn't feel safe with all this energy coursing through my body to play with it--is there anything using concentration or insight that I’m not doing that I could try in this stage to deal better? Maybe a different concentration exercise like the candle thing--to try to experience jhanas for a little joy/balance? God, I could use some joy! I've never tried any of that. Just insight stuff. Or do I just keep slogging with insight--be hardcore!! Get it done!--and hope equanimity is coming up soon? Or just make peace with feeling lost all the time as part of being human? Ha.

I need to find a way to focus/be function so I can do some work--like the kind that makes money. There are some practical issues on this plane that need to be dealt with, like our mortgage, ha.

Future Retreats
There's the Goenka retreat in Dec and if that doesn't do it, I may do another Northern Vipassana (the full 13 days this time) in Feb. I'm limited to retreats around toronto that are pay what you can. I would just like to feel interested in this world and enjoy simple things again. I'm not looking for bliss. Equanimity would be very welcome.

Anyone past this stage that can help?
Even a few words of encouragement would be helpful today. Thanks for taking the time to read this, if you've gotten this far!

Best,
Shawn

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&#
Answer
8/7/10 11:09 PM as a reply to S P.
There is a whole, whole lot in your post. Thanks for it: it is clear and well-written.

First thing: you can do this. You have already gone through all sorts of dharma crap, and so I suspect you will continue to be able to get through it.

Your focus on making sure you keep basic daily life stuff functioning while trying to figure out how to use retreats to get some targeted insights is very good.

I would really like Bruno and Chuck to chime in here, as I can't help but think that they would have some good chakral/energetic advice for you. I realize that you are into pure vipassana, but both of them and perhaps some others may have some ideas that may help you anyway.

The Three Characteristics abound in your practice: suffering, things happening on their own, things changing: this is gold, despite it seeming like poison. If you can just stay on the sensate level and then figure out how to at least get to Equanimity, this will help.

Many, many people here who have been in similar situations have managed to come out the other side in good shape, and I suspect many will chime in with their advice shortly.

If you have specific practice questions, let me know. Talking to someone would probably also really help, and there are a number of us here who will often take the time to do this. Let us know also. I have tomorrow night free and can Skype or phone past about 7:30pm Central Time if you need to: send me a personal message if you and I can send contact information (don't want that out there on the web, you know).

Daniel

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/8/10 12:51 AM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
Yes, there is a lot going on.
Crying really hard is fine, just stay with it, and be gentle with yourself throughout this whole ordeal.
Go slow, find ways to nurture, just be with each breath...
It might be best to switch to metta practice for a little while for calming and clearing, assessing priorities etc.
There are many options, try and keep it simple for right now.

Reach out for help and talk with someone with whom you feel you will hear you,

metta, Constance

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
emotions
Answer
8/8/10 11:35 AM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
Thank you Daniel and Constance for your encouragement--it is gold to me right now. It helps to know that people have come through this mess intact. I will try my best to stay mindful and observing the sensations--I'm still like a child learning to ride a bike with this (staying out of the stories, and on the sensations!), but it's the only thing keeping me sane, anyway, haha.

I do welcome energy balancing advice from anyone who can identify with this experience.

Daniel, that is a very generous offer--to share your time. I will be away from home tonight, but I may take you up on that if the offer remains open. I have tried for 5 years to do this on my own, and perhaps I'm learning that's not the best approach.

Dealing With Roller Coaster Emotions
This weekend I read Jack Kornfield's The Wise Heart, which provides practices that deal with roller coaster emotions, like mine. I realized that what's happening is I'm meeting my practice with my conditioned emotions from this life (impatience, frustration, self judgment), which is normal, right? So perhaps just a little more self compassion and patience is required, trusting equanimity will get here whenever it gets here?

Until then, I can be grateful to have so many opportunities to observe the 3 characteristics, both in my body, and in my life--hahaha. Surely I can't miss the truth, since it's staring me in the face at every turn... Ah equanimity, how I look forward to meeting thee.

Hey Shawn,

I was also thrown on the wind by kundalini, though not as strongly as you. What got me into meditation was, judging by the symptoms, a kundalini arousal for which my body was entirely unprepared. I worked that out doing pure insight practice, as recommended by Daniel here, up to stream entry.

After stream entry, kundalini awoke, and so far it seems it is here to stay. I've had a rough couple of months, with very strong energetic symtoms; most of it was body/sensation oriented, rather than inner-vision/sound stuff; there was quite a lot of emotional stuff also (blocks manifesting as insecurities, fears, resentment, etc). This is a short paragraph, but let me emphasize that it was by no means easy to deal with.

I have recently attained path, and it was essencial that I got kundalini under control to do so, because when it flows too strongly there is simply no way to make good use of it in insight, it will simply just throw and smash you all over the place. A very active kundalini is like a permanently churning A&P, and although one can suffer like a dog, that doesn't necessarily mean one is doing appropriate progress in insight. What I have done was:

1. I stopped meditating completely.
2. I found a nice activity to do with my hands; in my case it was saxophone repair, but I suppose it could have been gardening, house repairs, knitting, etc. Whenever I wasn't at work I would either be walking in the park, socializing with others, or doing stuff with my hands.
3. I ate heavy foods, and stuff like meat and so on; I stayed off hot and spicy food.
4. I masturbated at least twice a week, since the ejaculatory orgasm had a very clear effect of cutting down the energy levels; I do not know how it works for girls in this regard, I guess you could try; the point is to have a sort of "energy-draining" orgasm, where the strongly pulsating energy at the base of the spine gets diverted from being pushed up the spine and is directed to the genitalia causing a discharge; there is another kind of orgasm where this doesn't happen as much; apparently this might be common in girls, so I suggest you see for yourself, if you feel more settled and grounded after orgasm; if not, don't do it (in general that's good advice: if it doesn't make you feel more grounded, don't do it).
5. I did physical exercise, a few times a week; mostly calm swimming in the pool.
6. I went to take a walk in the park every day, sometimes twice.
7. And finally, I did some specific energy-grounding exercices, two or three times a day, which I will detail below.

One month later, things where still somewhat unpleasant, but more manageable. Then three months after I stopped meditating the A&P-like state died down and I got into dark night. I suffered like a dog, started meditating again, and had some real insights into unsatisfactoryness, which brought me to equanimity, and finally, yesterday, to path attainment (2nd path, it seems).

I suggest you do the same. The point is to take your

Shawn:

intention to keep me on the most gentle yet efficient path


and actively doing everything in your power to actually make the path more gentle. You have already seen as simply having this intention already helps in keeping kundalini grounded. Taking this intention and doing everything that I could in order to get it to physiologically happen is even more powerful.

The grounding exercises which I did religiously where: The Three Amigos of Rooting. They are real friends. This time around I will try tai chi in addition to the three amigos.

I hope you get better from the Kundalini stuff, it really sucks.

Finally, let me add something else, while I still have the memory of equanimity fresh in my mind. You claim some understandings similar to many things that I have believed to have understood, at some point, only to latter come to the conclusion that such understandings where either false, or just a perspective like any other. I specifically am referring to sentences such as:

Shawn:

The hangover remains, however, since I now see that (love) doesn’t lead to happiness at all—psyche! Nowhere to go but the Dhamma now. That's the truth.
(...)
but then (the very strong feeling of love) left and I was back to a mix of mild self hatred plus sadness, frustration that the things I built my life on were so obviously illusions (and ones I wasn’t excited about giving up).
(...)
And it seems to be getting lonelier and the choices tougher. I took the Redpill and there's no turning back now.


Let me tell you that systematically, whenever I arrived at an "insightful thought" which translated into a very emotionally charged phrase, I sooner or later saw some bias there which wasn't real understanding, but just bias. When your kundalini thing gets better, and you are no longer in such terrible pain, you'll be surprised at how OK and fun life can be, at how the things which seemed like "truth" where simply the result of this pain manifesting itself. Love might once again be nice and fun, the illusion that life is an illusion might disappear, and as bitterness melts away, maybe you won't feel so lonely anymore. Heck, I'm saying this to remind myself as much as you, as I know that when the dark hour comes again, I will need to be reminded.


I hope you get better,
Hug,
Bruno

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/8/10 7:13 PM as a reply to Bruno Loff.
Bruno,

Thanks a million. So great to hear from someone experiencing this and actually progressing on the path. And quite happy to hear that perhaps my sad insights are not insights after all, ha! But even if the insights are wrong, it does seem to be tearing down what existed of my life before, in every way, internal and external. After 5 years, most of what was once there is now gone. I still have my marriage, but even that has been severely tested and continues to be. I honestly don't know where that will end up. But I am a better person in many ways than I was 5 years ago, and for that I am deeply grateful. This path is worth all the pain and trouble, that I know for sure.

The good news is that this year I seem to be coming out into a better place--making connections with people who can help, like you and this forum! I asked for a hard copy of Daniel's book for my birthday next week so I can carry it around. I have begun trying to socialize a bit more (I stopped for a long time). Often if I relax or am practicing "mindful awareness" in public, the jerking will happen to release energy--and that's weird to explain. I usually don't. I should just swear a lot and tell them it's Tourette's Sydrome, ha.

I find the hardest thing about kundalini is the way it seems to be determined to work through all your emotional stuff. ;) So I feel better knowing I'm not the only one. But sorry for your troubles and wish you speed on your journey--this definitely tests your strength reserves and sanity.

I will try integrating some of these suggestions. I recently started eating meat after 10 years and that has helped. I walk in the park daily also. I think your suggestion to do something with my hands is a great one. I have just developed a sudden interest in creating art out of objects I find, so I will try making something this week. I don't know about the sexual releases--don't seem to help me--but can't hurt, ha! I will def. integrate the grounding exercises.

Yeah, it's good for us to remind each other that all this loneliness, bitterness, and in my case a kind of paralyzing sadness, will pass and it will be Good Times again. Thanks for sharing yourself so freely.

I gratefully accept that hug and send one back atcha,
Shawn

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/10/10 10:55 AM as a reply to S P.
Update: After rereading this post, I decided I needed to get serious about investigating emotions. So I spent the past 2 days (one of the benefits of being mostly unemployed!) doing rigorous investigation (three characteristics, especially no self) of the sadness, fear, etc. (I used a mix of Daniel's approach in MCTB and Jack Kornfield's advice in The Wise Heart). This has led to an overarching neutral, detached feeling--where I am still feeling all the discomfort of the emotion sensations, but I'm not identified with them. I doubt this is equanimity, but it's progress! Thanks!

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/10/10 7:35 PM as a reply to S P.
The sensations that imply detachment, equanimity, indifference, gratitude, and the like also come and go. Maybe you can take on those next and see where that leads.

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/13/10 12:33 PM as a reply to Daniel M. Ingram.
With regards to what Bruno said about orgasms being depleting for women or not, what I have read in books and what women have told me is that they experience clitoral orgasms as depleting and yang whereas g-spot a-spot and vaginal orgasms are more yin and energizing. THis however varies a bit from person to person and with a lot of relaxation I think it might change somewhat and clitoral orgasms can be less depleting, maybe energizing.

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/13/10 1:15 PM as a reply to Crazy Wisdom.
Interesting. Sadly the sexual component of the kundalini experience came and went in the first year and never returned, and all the other stuff it brought (mainly emotional mess) has wiped out any interest in it. These are the times I'm glad states are impermanent and change. emoticon

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
8/17/10 11:51 AM as a reply to S P.
You might find the "questions for Bruno" thread interesting. It has some stuff in it about managing kundalini and I have written a lengthy post about some ways to do that in the thread.

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
2/15/15 8:47 AM as a reply to S P.
Shawn, this is written more than 4 years later.  How is your experience unfolding?  
I want to thank you for writing your stuff down.  I can identify with a lot of what you say, but don't feel able to write it right now.
There is something soothing to reading other people's descriptions.

Kundalini woke up in me in december of 2008, during a tantric sex experience with a long term partner. I had invited her to the Chelsea Hotel to celbrate my birthday. During 2008 I had been seeking new sexual experiences in free love communes in Europe, after 20 some years of avoiding dealing with my sexual fears.  At some point I decided I wanted to call on "strong energy" (see Dieter Duhm). I was assuming that female wanted more of my male energy available.  I believe the kundalini BANG happened in response.  A year earlier I had a most blissfull 2 weeks, a tantric sex meditative union that went on for hours and hours. I had never flet anything like it, a home coming, a feeling of beeing there.  I believe this was the beginning, the opening that lead to the BIG BANG.

I did not now what Kundalini was.  I did not know what Yang Chi was, or the fire of Saphiroth, or any of it.  I still joke that I couldn't tell a Kundalini from a fettucini.  I had somewht grasped that energy was experieciable for humans since I studied Wilhem Reich (orgon energy) in the 70's.  He linked repressed sexual energy, neurosis, trauma, stasis (enegy stored and blocked in the body). The path to healing through the body. Body to mind and soul.  Somewhere in my studies and research attempting to grasp, to make some sense (not matter how fleeting) of this powerful phenomenon, I came across somebody's statement:  Spiritual Energy IS Physical Energy. 

I am in the 6th year of this overwhelming, demanding, all absorbing pehnomenon.
I go through all sorts of sensations, they cycle through, they wax and wane, they have different archs, they overlap.
There are some constants:
I feel an intense buzz of energy in my spine and skull, like I plugged into an electrical socket.
All my sensations are intense, alternatively sweet and sexy, sweet and light,  painfull and griddy, a sense of a physical wrestling between Yang and Yin, between the powerfull energy and an internal resistance to it.
When I think I have figured out a method for coping, an access to some relief, to some quiet, this phenomenon (Khali?) knocks me down, I am humbled over and over and over again.
I started to become interested in mysticism, quantum theory, eastern practices, native american (North, Central and South) culture, poetry, Carl Jung.  What's more, I started making some sense of it all.
I can identify, sense, intuit, who has experienced this phenomenon and who has not.
I can sense people's states, peace, anger, stress, love, in-love. I often read minds and hearts.

Right this minute I feel wasted, exhausted, deeply sad, stuck.  Intense sensation, mostly painfull, in neck, face, skull, shoulders, back, all the way down to the coccycx.

Got to stop writin now.

Hug (from hell)

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
2/15/15 2:41 PM as a reply to Jorge Caneda.
Gordo ==> When during the day or night do you have the most difficulties with energy. Why is it difficult. 
Jorge ==> In the past three weeks i've had difficulty most of the time. There are moments where the sensations shift, they turn very sweet and sexy, or they quiet down totally for a whhile.
The difficulty  is not easy to describe.  A very intense energy, heat, tearing, pulling, like great tension or resistence fighting off the intense energy (like if I had 220V current coming through my coccix to my skull).  If I breathe through the mouth it feels griddy and sharp in skull, face, jaw, shoulders, various and shifting spots in my spine, hips.  A constant buzz and mostly pain.  I feel preassure, holding in my chest (not a heart problem, I have a Heart Coherence HRV monitor), it hurts to breathe, to lough
As I am typing it is turning somewhat sweet and sexy.

Gordo ==> How is it coming out feet, hands, head.y 

Jorge ==> It doesn't seem to come out.  Energy stuck.  Sometimes lately it has gone to my feet.  The other night my muscles started twitching, spasming (legs, back) and my body contorting.  It felt good. it stopped when I moved my attention.  I had been intending surrender. How do I learn to surrender?
Sometimes my crown tickles, it feels like the energy going up that way.

Gordo ==> Is your thinking, emotional mind getting entangled and knocked around by this energy.  Mental rising, happiness, excitement, racing thoughts. Mental falling, dullness, sadness, slow dark thoughts.

Jorge ==> Yes, lots of mind/emotion stuff.  Difficulty focusing on detail stuff that used to be easy. Memory comes and goes, long memory, short memory.  Emotions are very intense, I seem to be working out a lot of old karma, old traumatic experiences, chronic stress. Mostly lately deep, deep sadness with everything, with the meanness in and around me, the mishandling of kids tenderness, of grown up tenderness. A lot of disappointment, a nostalgia for things that could have never been anyway.  
Been working with Raphael Cushnir on that.  I didn't experience my emotions before.  Gratefull for that.
Today things seem to not have meaning, things I thought I understood are lost.

Gordo ==> How are your sleeping habits. 

Jorge ==> Mostly sleep two segments of 4 hours with a two hour meditation in between. Sometime I sleep 8 hours straight.  Been dreaming a lot lately

Gordo ==> Do you get irritated leg symptoms, headache, anxiety. To what degree. 

Jorge ==> Sometimes the pain in my skull is intense, it feels like my skull's seems are coming apart. I have experienced terror but not for the past two months, I seem  to be getting adjusted to the intensity and sheer volatility of my dance w. K.

Gordo ==> Is your conventional life busy and stressful, or do you get plenty of time out.

Jorge ==> I retired in 2003 and started a healing journey. The process of removing myself from the hustle and bustle has been slow and deliberate. I had taken on a lot of responsibility and work over the decades in the commune (www.ganas.org). I am a recovering stressoholic. I also have demanded excesively from my "handicapped" body.  I have lived since birth with a genetic condition, diastrophic dysplasia, that affects collagen, fascia, tendons, ligaments, dura matter, etc., moving always agains a strong inherent resistance in my body.

Gordo ==> Do you meditate, type, how often. 

Jorge ==> I'd say that in some way I am in a constant meditation, with my consciousness now landed in my everpresent body, in my pain body, in my sensory body.  I used to do soto Zen.  I can't do that kind of mind quiet.  I do observe what's happening, surfing over mind stream, sensations and emotions, all the time. Sometimes I spend a few days in wipeout

Gordo ==> Did writing your post cause energy increase, Mental rising or falling. 

Jorge ==> More than rising, which was difficult, given the hightened intensity in which I started, it was an experience of compression, of forcing myself....

Gordo ==> Answer at your own pace, dont push yourself. Dont answer if you dont want to.
Jorge ==> Ah, thanks for that. I am seeking to grasp the meaning of "don't push myself"
Grateful for your taking time to relate,  
love kundi bro.

RE: Help: Disappearing breath, energy releases & emotions (long!&a
Answer
2/16/15 3:28 PM as a reply to Jorge Caneda.
Hola Gordo (it means fat dude in Spanish)

Thanks for your detailed instructions.  I recorded them.  I am trying things out.
I'll keep you posted, but for now let's cool off the interaction a bit, too fast.  I operate much, much slower.

I had intuitively already started doing some of what you say a while, focusing the attention on the feet.
Also, sitting meditation is out of the question since Kundalini awoke 6 years ago.

To negin with, the intensity of sensations in the top is such that it keeps on calling attention to itself.  
Having some results feeling the feet.
As said, wait for me to tell you when I am ready for more.

Grateful for your support.
Jorge