Was that A&P?

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Michal, modified 3 Years ago.

Was that A&P?

Post: 1 Join Date: 12/7/17 Recent Posts
Hello, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had, perhaps someone would be so kind to help me identify what it was...

Background
  
 •    I read Daniel’s book and lots of youtube videos about spiritual practice
  
 •    I had problems with concentration meditation, total chaos and BS in my head
  
•    mindfullness only increased stress and obsessive thinking
    
•    noting seemed too difficult
    
•    1st strange event - during reading a free book by I.Ciunaite and E.Nezhinsky „Gateless Gatecrashers”. While holding a tablet and reading the book I looked at my hand, moved it and asked myself: „what is moving the hand?” and I saw that nothing is moving it yet the hand moves. This was shocking but this weird realization lasted for a day and passed.
  
 •    I’d been depressed, had outbursts of anger, full of stress, had psychosomatic symptoms and moved from one addiction to another
  
 •    I wanted to pursue spiritual practice to end my suffering
 

The event
  • 1week ago I had a breakdown sitting in front of my computer. I cried and said to myself: I hate myself, I want to die, I wish I was never born, I wish myself the worst, please let the death come finally and end my suffering, I want to stop existing
  • I started to feel I’m really dying
  • it was the same feeling of death as a few years ago after smoking DMT although now I was sober
  • I felt incredible fear but I hold onto my wish that I want to die
  • felt falling into abyss, something flying out of my chest upwards, like a soul
  • felt my identity falling apart
  • after it finished I started walking meditation plus advaita style self enquiry for an hour or so.
  • I realised then that when I move my legs no one is moving them, they just move. When I touch stuff there is touching but no toucher. When Im thinking there is thinking, but Im not doing it. Im not making any decisions, there is no free will in what Im doing, everything just happens.
  • I could not locate my feeling of self anywhere in space
  • When I looked at a bookshelf, there was no one looking, there was just a bookshelf, plus visual and touch stimuli, and there was no separation between me and a bookshelf, there was no sense of „ looking from” and „to” an object
  • felt very peaceful and happy finally for the first time in my life
  • felt love not directed to anyone and anything for the first time
  • felt compassion towards every being including people I hated
  • felt like I was everyone and everyone was me, felt like there is a substance thats present in everything which is one thing, its hard to put in words, like a Brahman or something...
After the event
  • I felt that something had changed, like a switch that had been flipped
  • During a workout I looked at a wall, equipment and people and felt love and oneness
  • I felt strange moments where I feel love towards everything a couple of times
  • I had a bad dream, woke up with fear but automatically felt there is a peaceful presence below the current feeling of fear and both of these coexisted
  • I don’t feel like a doer of actions
  • my body just moves without a mover and it’s no more or less mine than anything else like a carpet or tree
  • thoughts talk but no one is listening
  • images, memories and audio show up in my imagination but no one is watching them, they just are
  • there is peace behind every emotion, like I’m on tranquillizers
  • there is significantly less BS in my head and more stillness
  • 95% of rumination is gone
  • bad emotions appear but they fall off quickly, not like before
  • I dont take offense personally
  • 95% of anger is gone
  • all psychosomatic symptoms are gone
  • I feel compassion towards other people and towards myself
  • self hate is gone
  • I can meditate better
  • I have more motivation towards practise and teachings
What was that?
  • possibly some kind off a&p event in line with dharma
  • perhaps an afterglow of a one time realization of no-self, it may pass and wear off in the future
  • possible autosuggestion, faking spiritual event by my brain as a means to escape psychological suffering, a form of temporary defence mechanism
Any ideas?
neko, modified 3 Years ago.

RE: Was that A&P?

Posts: 756 Join Date: 11/26/14 Recent Posts
Just quoting with a more legible font size.

Michal:

Hello, I’d like to tell you about an experience I had, perhaps someone would be so kind to help me identify what it was...

Background   
 •    I read Daniel’s book and lots of youtube videos about spiritual practice  
 •    I had problems with concentration meditation, total chaos and BS in my head   
•    mindfullness only increased stress and obsessive thinking    
•    noting seemed too difficult    
•    1st strange event - during reading a free book by I.Ciunaite and E.Nezhinsky „Gateless Gatecrashers”. While holding a tablet and reading the book I looked at my hand, moved it and asked myself: „what is moving the hand?” and I saw that nothing is moving it yet the hand moves. This was shocking but this weird realization lasted for a day and passed.   
 •    I’d been depressed, had outbursts of anger, full of stress, had psychosomatic symptoms and moved from one addiction to another  
 •    I wanted to pursue spiritual practice to end my suffering 

The event
1week ago I had a breakdown sitting in front of my computer. I cried and said to myself: I hate myself, I want to die, I wish I was never born, I wish myself the worst, please let the death come finally and end my suffering, I want to stop existing
I started to feel I’m really dying
it was the same feeling of death as a few years ago after smoking DMT although now I was sober
I felt incredible fear but I hold onto my wish that I want to die
felt falling into abyss, something flying out of my chest upwards, like a soul
felt my identity falling apart
after it finished I started walking meditation plus advaita style self enquiry for an hour or so.
I realised then that when I move my legs no one is moving them, they just move. When I touch stuff there is touching but no toucher. When Im thinking there is thinking, but Im not doing it. Im not making any decisions, there is no free will in what Im doing, everything just happens.
I could not locate my feeling of self anywhere in space
When I looked at a bookshelf, there was no one looking, there was just a bookshelf, plus visual and touch stimuli, and there was no separation between me and a bookshelf, there was no sense of „ looking from” and „to” an object
felt very peaceful and happy finally for the first time in my life
felt love not directed to anyone and anything for the first time
felt compassion towards every being including people I hated
felt like I was everyone and everyone was me, felt like there is a substance thats present in everything which is one thing, its hard to put in words, like a Brahman or something...
After the event
I felt that something had changed, like a switch that had been flipped
During a workout I looked at a wall, equipment and people and felt love and oneness
I felt strange moments where I feel love towards everything a couple of times
I had a bad dream, woke up with fear but automatically felt there is a peaceful presence below the current feeling of fear and both of these coexisted
I don’t feel like a doer of actions
my body just moves without a mover and it’s no more or less mine than anything else like a carpet or tree
thoughts talk but no one is listening
images, memories and audio show up in my imagination but no one is watching them, they just are
there is peace behind every emotion, like I’m on tranquillizers
there is significantly less BS in my head and more stillness
95% of rumination is gone
bad emotions appear but they fall off quickly, not like before
I dont take offense personally
95% of anger is gone
all psychosomatic symptoms are gone
I feel compassion towards other people and towards myself
self hate is gone
I can meditate better
I have more motivation towards practise and teachings
What was that?
possibly some kind off a&p event in line with dharma
perhaps an afterglow of a one time realization of no-self, it may pass and wear off in the future
possible autosuggestion, faking spiritual event by my brain as a means to escape psychological suffering, a form of temporary defence mechanism
Any ideas?