Hi maybe somebody knows is there is a Monastary in europe where can one live and work for food and place ?

How is your practice going Mathew Poskus? You had some difficulties with fear 

Feel ashamed to say still f***ed up pretty much overwhelming panic attacks that at some point i feel suicidal ,so not good really ,trying to find place monasteries to stay and live for offering my hands to work my practice didn't get me nowhere espiacially noting so i didt bare awareness try to feel impulses to do smthing watch toughts then the conscious feel still but nothing happene just stilness with fear panic but it doesnt relieve anything so to say pretty much nothing

And yes thanks for asking

I could suggest you some things if you want to try, as a therapeutic strategy. 

First, an overall optimistic disposition. Looking at the positive and brighter side of things. I know it sounds antibuddhist but some times it is the appropriate antidote to balance a SEEMINGLY neutral BUT ACTUALLY pessimistic view that reinforces a depressive spiral. 

Second, take the opportunity, during the day, to be grateful for what you have. It doesn't have to be something big, you can be grateful even for trivial things: a tasty food, some resting time without much pain, some friend's call. You don't have to fake it, the opportunities come to you plenty of times and you just have to be open to welcome them. You can pair it with some bodily expression of gentle prostration, of prayer gesture or simply closing your eyes and be present and grateful for some seconds. 

Third, try samatha, meditating on calming of bodily formations and thinking. Bodily formations, where the tension manifests, mainly in the meninges and the frontal lobe area. Of course thinking or formations do not get calmed with force or strict exclusion, or else their unresolved energy of their unheard requests will keep on coming disturbing you. You have to practice it and see how this balance works but as a general pointer i would say that you gently guide and focus the mind where you want, ONLY if it resists a little  or if it doesn't resist at all. If it resists more, you have to take some time to hold it in your diffused "doingless" awareness until it losses its energy (calming of formations ;) ).  So you don't try to penetrate the object, you try to welcome it and let its ripples subside. You direct your awareness, but it is neither pointy nor ultra wide and choiceless, even though both of these tactics are used as directions: when you are undistracted, you can let it settle in a narrower area, if distractions are present, you widen your awareness to include them as well so their ripplles too get calmer. You are the lake that all ripples get calmed. See how thinking and tension in the meninges are interilated, and see how releasing of tension brings calm and joy. 

Hope it helps, and if there is something you would like me to clarify further, i would be glad to respond. Be well


 

Thanks for reply Im gonna look stupid but English is not my 1st language and i didnt understand ,can you little bit explain simplier ? you gently guide and focus the mind where you want, ONLY if it resists a little  or if it doesn't resist at all. If it resists more, you have to take some time to hold it in your diffused "doingless" awareness until it losses its energy (calming of formations ;) ).  So you don't try to penetrate the object.
I have no idea how to penetrate object all i can do usseless rest as awareness if im doing it  ,just feel the "mind space" and when there is a a thought i just noticed it or feeling  but it brings no relief ,when i do noting i miss a lot its very hard for me to note .Again thanks for reply but i think its uselless i never had achieved anything as much i try.

Ok. Can you read English? Try to read these with fresh eyes. 

https://mettarefuge.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/biona_commentary_on_the_anapanasati_sutta.doc

https://www.dhammaloka.org.au/files/pdf/Ajahn_Brahm-Mindfulness_Bliss_and_Beyond-Chapters1-4.pdf

So try keeping in mind the first two points on optimism and gratitude, and for the 3d one on meditation, read the above documents. 

It's not useless 

JohnJohn today i understood what (well i guess i understood) you mean tensions in frontal lobe,so when i felt fear for me its in stomach area i noticed there begins to come trnsions in my frontal lobe so i just focused on those sensation frontal lobe tension and stomach area fear and tension in frontal lobe became feeling of tiredness ,the fear became less and just meninges feel tired so that i just feel really sleepy should i noticed tiredness further or just go to sleep as my body say so and this tiredness you mean by realesing tensions(it felt a relief but i still kinda feel fear in stomach maybe fear of getting fear) ?

Thanks big bird for reply mainly i used noting with whispering labels BUT i dont know why i miss alot of stuff going with noting like if Im whispering labels most of time i miss self talk (maybe because im whispering?) .When i do like resting as awareness i pretty much can know all phenomona ,just feeling thoughts stay much longer then when i do noting, but now when i did rest as awareness i can note more things than I used to and choiceless awareness took from me the wanting to get somewhere to englighment ,joyous states,because i noticed them in choicless awareness.I just learned somehow very frustrating method of noting and it became more like habit of speaking labels hardly noticing what is happening .

Tirdness is tension too. Something is always contracting, thats why it gets tired. It contracts in fear, it contracts in worry, it contracts in shame, it contracts in wanting, it contracts in thinking. Like a hypertonic muscle. See this, and patiently relax.

If you feel sleepy, go sleep, but when you wake up continue the meditation. 

2 years my technique was Noting i read in MTCB ,well it didn't worked .
I dont use breathing tehcnique.
Im from easter europe lithuania.There is just kwan um zen school.
My english is not so good although i understand everything.
I am onnternet ,facebook and gmail.

I wrote it yes but i deleted some of post because i thoughts to much uselless information .I have google hangouts .I thought maybe wanting to get relief was my main problem of not going anywhere with my practice .I dont understand maybe meditation from first day to this day.Thanks for help ,really apreciate .

Now i focus on present moment just as much as i can .Thanks for help

So, how about these monasteries?

I guess there is none

Maybe your panic attacks are a sign that things are finally starting to move. In my case I had panic attacks when things started to move more quickly than I was used to.

If you are having a panic attack *right now*, the following might work:

1. Take a glass full of water with one teaspoon sodium bicarbonate (baking soda).
2. Go do cardio - e.g. running, jumping jacks, whatever - until you are sweating profusely and long enough so that you are physically tired.
3. Do a sauna - until sweating profusely - then cold shower, then relax lying down, then repeat until calm.
4. When you feel stuff moving inside, let it go, relax with it.

Physically tired is important, it really calms your mind down. Physically tired is not the same as being mentally drained (e.g. due to lack of sleep).

It helped me to avoid panic attacks in the long term, to do the following:
1. Frequent cardio exercise until sweating profusely and feeling physically tired.
2. Magnesium and calcium supplement (I took solgar multimineral).
3. Mostly vegetarian diet.

Last panic attack I had was in 2014, which was when I started doing all of the above. Before that it happened a few times a year.

Thanks for replies it helped me somehow to release tension from frontal lobe thanks john john ,i feel pressure in thir eye area like a rock stuck there  the fear is crippling still,cardio workout doesnt really helped me.

Big Bird i re-read your post ok i try with breath .I need to get back to normal state i need to help my family ,i cant go like this anymore ,not for myself now i have to do it for other people .Im gonna sit as long as i can .

Have you tried just taking a month long break.  Just get drunk and have fun and read some happy novels?  Stop paying attention to your mind at all.  It will still be there banging around meaninglessly when you are ready to start up again. 

I will bet with you that if you do 1 hour intense cardio every day for two weeks you will feel much, much, much better. Just get tired and sweat a lot. If you are fit, do 2 hours. Go to bed physically tired. Learn what people are talking about when they talk about "runner's high". Get so physically tired that you want to go to bed and rest. Then take a warm shower go to bed and rest. I would be very surprised if this didn't make your fear a lot better.


I'm only insisting because people who do meditation will sometimes underestimate the power of exercise, because they feel it's "not a mental practice".

Also where do you feel the fear starting? Is it in the kidney area? (mid-back)

But please feel free to ignore what I'm suggesting if what the other people are saying is working. Whatever works is key.

Thanks for reply Bruno i feel fear and arenaline in stomach , i guess im gonna take again working out again.I was working out alot  ,that was my way to run from fear and anxiety long time ago ,but didnt really worked .

Thanks for reply Seth i did take a break long time, now i got back because of this fear and anxiety ,i  cant drink its gets really worse .

I noticed that i have alot aversion trying to get somewhere resisting unpleasurable sensation ,waiting for something to happen ,expecting vibrations ,looking for them, strategysing to make something different ,thinkg maybe thats it this sensation gonna change everything or this time its it im geeting insight and its just pleasurable sensation or calmness,clinging i didint noticed theese in two years of noting i guess this i missed and thats why i got frustrated and noting was so tiring .Well im not sure if that is the case but definetly i thought wanting ,waiting, expecting is the thing to get somwhere ,looped in these mind stated ,may be the reason for going nowhere.

Its tricky now i want to change this .Again wanting ,if i created this loop in 2 years i guess its not gonna be easy to deal.

Be alert and aware of how tiring is to change the sensations compared to letting them play their thing.  Take an area, the most problematic being brain and belly, and train yourself in being aware but not intervening. If the area of focus become too unstable and chaotic with more outer sensations trying το capture your attension, and you find it difficult to keep up with the thing, zoom out to include the rest of sentations as well. And again be aware and let them play, while you train to not intervene.  Not intervening little.. by little.., because at the begining the intervening and the in-tension to do something, will be annoyingly automatic.  But every time the mind sees the drawback in doing this, it gets feedback of how to react better in the future. 

Be patient, because chronic contraction leads to strong patterns of contraction that they are difficult to resist. And belly and head are common emotional repression garbages. 

yesterday I was relaxed calmly letting that everything happen and felt like bubbles or some pieces going up my spine through some block i guess little bit felt pain like tearing little bit .Second thing i noticed i have suppresed desire behing pessimistic thoughts like "I never gonna happy " or " this will never work" ,desires wich wished absolutely opposite like "I never gonna be happy" -"i wish all my heart that i may be happy " but why i suppresed these desires under such strange thought i dont know for sure,bur maybe thats why i missed desire to note because it was suppresef by thoughts wich at first look pretty pessimistic and opposite.

Im calmly sitting with plotting strategyzing wishing and let it go not trying to interven with it and let it go ,i feel fear like paranoid of what can i could go wrong ,what can i missed , how to fix and wish to get away from this.

Hi Mathew Poskus, i can't find any option for personal messages, so i ask you here. Do you want to have a call and talk for a bit? To adress the problems and possible guidance quicker, and then you continue here, writing, as before. 

Thanks for help ,i was meditating and released (maybe just remebered) some childhood traumas felt really angry .

Thanks for helping hand you really helped with advice to focus on tensions in meninges ,johnjohn really apreciated  ,  I contacted with bigbird ,dont want to look manipulative and get all doh guys around my problems,but iit would be stupid to reject quick guidance in case two years i spended for planing and wishing instead of insight ,i have gmail halavejusciurkslys@gmail.com  dont know maybe i cant express but im really grateful .I dont know Thanks all guys .

Now meditation feel natural i dont note just let evetything happen and just genly bringing my awareness to sensations,a lot of anxiety urges to get away , dont want to note ,anxious to change anything, but i here because i listened to you and would be maybe not smart to not take advice.

Ok ,just to say now fear sadness wanting to go somewhere safe warm and cosy like mother womb but theese sensations i noted automatically with no urge like "fear" "wanting run somewhere safe" "sadness" gentle mental label almost like it came with the sensations ,strange thing sci fi novels like robert scheckley ,especially clifirord d simak gave me that safe warm feelling of safety that why they attracted me so much offering go somewhere safe warm cosy.
Halavejusciurkslys
 

As before letting everything go and do the noting by itself. Feeling almost euphoricaly nostalgic  ,memories of childhood wich was most beautiful times of my life ,wanting to go there or stay in those feelings.Warmth in my back some movement up the spine.Bored of it .Noticed bored.Warmth moving up the spine.Now somewhere in the middle.

Feel fear got nightmares ,warmth yesterday stoped near stomach dont feel it anymore ,nothing moving up spine ,meditations seems to carry itself on her own cant note just noticing ,even one note tires me,but just sitted 30 min for warmth up so, like yesterday gonna do it 6 or 7 hours because its feels pretty much  efortless, still i have desire ,to get relief,get away,looking for insights.

Vibrations in the body, stuff still moving up the spine, at the top now.  Rarely noting, notes comes by itself. 

Keep walking 

Hi Mathew, i just realised that i didn't link something at the begining, that i wanted to, and that it was the main link that i was intended to sujest

So here it is, 

https://library.dhammasukha.org/uploads/1/2/8/6/12865490/life_is_meditation-meditation_is_life_91616.pdf


So the meditation suggestion is to move to this kind of mindfulness of  breathing: pages 204-215 
(explanation of 6R's is at page 111-121)


In brief, 

you let breathing present it self, naturaly, wherever it wants, however it wants, withought trying to control it in any way

you know when breathing is long, you know when breathing is short. Simple.

as you know this, you relax body and mind from any tension 

when distraction arises you apply the 6R's

nothing is excluded, but you have a base to return (breathing)

.

If you understand it right, and follow the instructions, you will find it quickly beneficial, and calm and joy will begin to arise. Good luck. 

Tried with breath chaos ,freaked out ,little bit disoriented.Probably panic attack.Hmm those panick attacks .Throw me off of balance.

Disorientation gone things moving in spine ,two things gone to brain then feeling orgasm in spine for few seconds.Vibration in spine .wanting for stuff to move.Nothing changed.Fuck where is my nibbana?(joking )

Things moving up spine  sometime hurts little bit,at first, around week ago first  thought was maybe its calcium because i drink coffie .nothing special i guess meditation rolls as it was before.vibration in leggs.And rapture gone wich was fuel for my whole day meditation,now calm happines (?).gNazareth love hurts kept playing in my mind so stopped to listen to it and take a break.Gonna meditate whole day as before i wanna know where calcium (?) gonna go.Oh and anxiety and deppression went away but i guess thOse bitches  are there around the corner waiting for me,but nah they are my friends ,half of this neurotic personality was nurtured by those .Maybe calcium thingies (?) will save me.(joking).Well nazareth should save atleast at this moment .

Well as I understood how it should go when i read MTCB ,you just note the fast you can ,then it get so fast it goes vibratin,i was craving,wanting,desire to get somewhere i barely after two years could notice it ,when BigBird and JonJohn told me be calm dont note let it happen,I started to just notice thing wanting ,thirsty craving and meditation flow by itself although i did bare awareness it doesnt felt dry it felt wet but because probably i did for two years.Mostly when i noted mental images or vaguely noted feeling,miss craving ,speaking to myself ,plotting ,strtegizing. I got in to jhana about 2,5 years ago ,I lost ability to go in to deep pleasurable state wanting to get back i carried in vippasana and i read maps and thus I craved in vippasanna coul be like  because of this .And bare awareness  feel so autopilot and good i can stop it or want it to stop this and maybe the thing is without noting is better for me because noting is action itself ,i cant note noting and then noting of noting ,so noticing is just good.Gonna do it and watch where the thingies go and learn accept fear as jonjohn told me thats new tool im excited to try.

Just a perspective, nothing new, and just to put in words the meaning of the talk we had with Matthew.

Let's begin with the metaphor of the visitors, that gives the idea of right attitude in meditation. So we are in the house and we are occupied with washing the dishes, and visitors come and go. Our house is open and welcoming to anyone, that wants to come or stay or leave, at any time. Maybe we are aware of the visitors, aware of their presense in the periphery, but our awarness is mainly directed on our task.  Of course visitors come and go and some of them are distracting and they shout and they are disturbing and they feel so strong the need to be heard...but it's ok. We don't try to put earplugs or trying to forget them or anything. They have their problems, and we are unsterstanding to them, and we cultivate a mind that says.. "it's ok, my house is open to you, to stay and rest and feel safe and express your self. It's ok". It's the kind of how the parent's love for her child should be: it does not depend on the spesifcs of the child or it's behavior, or how beautiful it is, or how smart, or what it's sexual orientation is or what's their temper... We are aware of the visitors, either making noise at distanse  or being colse to us and telling us their thing and expressing their need to be heard... and we are on our task. 

So it is a meditation with a base, the breath or the metta feeling or the tension in frontal lobe and meninges area, and we keep returning to this. The rest is not excluded, but is not our main focus. If anything arrises, we just gently hold it in our awarness until it express it's energy ("it's story was heard") do their thing and sooth it self. The less it's energy content, the more it can be let to express it self at the periphery, and the opposite is true for the strongly dimanding objects.

This awarness is more of an open and stable thing, in which things are welcome to arrise and present themselves, and not a pointy and moving  attention that seeks to penetrate object after object. No, it has a relaxing and rest in place quality. Let's take fear for example. We don't try to focus on it, find it's center and try to penetrate it. There is nothing hiding there. This will only get the situation worse in intensity and duration. We just give it space to express it's energy as we soften our mind and bodies from resistance. It's a kind of acceptance with care, that "it is ok to be here and to be as you are", but we don't try to focus on this or violate it.

So there are two factors that must be present in the meditation, on the one hand is continuity of perceiving, and on the other is relaxation of any tension. We try find a balance in this: some time we overfocus in order to gain clarity, but this leads to tension that when realised it needs to be payed off by relaxing, and some other time we relax in a way that we loose perceiving clarity and so we need to evoke some energy and awakening. But as we practise this balance, both factors are getting stronger (and the penetration of the object follows naturaly and by it self as the mind gravitates naturaly to its depth)

Vibration in the body alot sometimes none ,stuff up the spine still little bit headaches in left side of front head,little bit confused wanting stuff to move ,plotting ,analazing of maybe corrupting insight .Jesus christ finish allready.Rapture gone vippasana dry as sand.

was fear let it be acceptance, and boom panick attack without fear just heart goes wild and little soft blips through top of right leg moved 1 sec maybe i felt.Bubling blip up my spine in the left side of front head.Still pieces up my spine but felt easier theyre going and i dont know much about frequencys but vibrations very low frequency.Noticing seems fun and easy.Happily energyzed.Happy as i five bucks. Could be all the time like this but i guess it gonna go away soon. Well i can listen to some music and enjoy. Hard to go back meditating to much energy. 

Felt really sad started to cry. From my center of a chest some big thing moved down,then started little stuff going to the heart not as usual by one but maybe pouring .Gonna take brake atleast for tears to dry off.

Pleasure just melted my brain even thinking slowed down from it.Brain orgasm or something.

Like a line of ants marched out my heart through right rib then appeared in arm or something.

Vibration in body.Stuff in forehead gathering.Stuff from heart area and both from hart.then everything started to spin.stuff goes back down the spine.And nothing??what!?

Wazs burning in such self hatred flames if i could i probably would broke my spine ,but then i just felt it was hard AF but then then the feeling became pleasurable .Fuck this shit was really tough. I wanted to kill and drink blood from hate. Stuff still goes from bottom of spine upwards.Second feel of Demonic hatred in stomach ,from the middle of the spine stuff one by one to the heart.Doubtful of thid process ,loosed absolute confidence in my meditation.

Demonic hate gone. ptfiu what a relief. I dont know Iam mindfull  again, looks like,  line of ants crawled out of end of my neck to center of heart area ones turned left throught left rib.Fucking tired.Happy as a five bucks. 

stuf just pouring for few hours through my legs then heart stuff, tired and watched for 3 hours that boring show. bored. noticed. going to sleep

feels like autumn in my heart ,little bit euphory,sorrow,serenity,sadness,i guess blues.some thoughts useless existence ,everyone is suffering ,terrible world this is.Stuff gathering at head sometimes headaches at left side.Almost fainted felt so weak ,i couldnt move ,just watched if i dont loose conscious this is meditation thing or body failing..Left side of heads hurts .Stuff gathering in head feels like alot.

stuff gathered stopped ,little bit thingies going there and here ,got anxiety caused adrenaline dose in rhe stomach ,sitted throught it.I dont listen to music ,because mind more silent.less craving,more boredom ,not sure.Strong unsatisfactorness arose,probably from music deprivation .Went away.Hate again oh jesus.Now i get why in oldschool way people sitted in caves by themselves (haha),fuck monasteries i need cave(joking)

From that anger i felt ,today i feel just horrible human being .Like hangover from anger (?).Honestly to say like piece of shit.Feel tired ,loosing mindfulnes,sleepy,drowsy.maybe i didnt slept so much theese days.Some want to have cars ,houses,beautiful wifes , I want now cosy warm cave with some food ,near some beach so freakin much ,more than anything.Stuff moving there here and over there . To drowsy and tired to care about anything.Maybe some coffie would help .Tried to sleep can't ,just lied and continue to practice,warmth came out of spine through right rib,little bit warmth throught left rib,little bit of stuff in right arm bicep muscle,little bit in legs.That warmth thimg moving sometimes in my body just got in my forehead.wandering mind and feels like little bit of LSD.Warmth going from spine alot felt bad cordination,little. Bit uncoformatable i guess..Forehead wet inside .Weird ecstasy i guesd. Im not sure of this whole process ,so i guess.Pissing me off a lot crazy little thing like holding a cup or something ,nervous at strange things,sometimes feeling like in a boat.hey whait where my lsd trip you promised?Big things moved up the spine.

Felt sick ,stuff moved from adrenal glands .Felt boredom ,the try to feel sensations of boredom ,just like with hate, it changed to little bit of happiness,puoring ,maybe more of a stream like but wider from heart teo diffreent streams from heart down,then two like centipedes fastly moved at my belly (very feelable) at same time ,one from left to right wich was higher in the belly (on?) one lower in different direction,then fear, it was little bit strange like i handle it,but so easy?  Like thats bullshit ,no way ,shes gonna come back . ,Forehead wet and also eyes felt like i cried for hours ,after practice checked even ,nope dry .From back of spine through kindneys gone stuff snake like continous.Got weird heart beatings .

felt sick from probably to much cafeine and tabbaco plus workout ,gotta cut them of except workout,felt now good but sadness overwhelming .Changed to dizzines little freling of drunk ,almost little bit feels like nausea ,vibrations in left head side.

today sleepiness all day, 2 hours one song kept playing then stopped... then another song kept playing for 2 hours, so sleepy last hour i just felt asleep while sitting then tried to sleep, cant, awareness wont shut down. 

Shaking in bodyparts spine,head,body shuted down like i couldnt feel it or connect to it,something like that,vibrations ,warmth in legs.Fear trying to not resist as much as possible,stuff moving from spine.Felt like after long crying.

For me, this feeling is characteristic of the border territory between dark night and equanimity.

It's like I suffer suffer suffer, then something breaks, I give up and cry, then I am magically in equanimity for some reason.

From what I can read you are progressing very well through the dark night.

Thanks

Woke up little bit happiness from lowered anxiety and deppression.Probably because of good sleep tonight and sun shined bright (winter here).But yeah who knows next turn gonna be like .Accept the moment.Little bit off body balance like drunk.Big piece of stuff moved (detached felt more like )from spine ,the spine was shaking .Little stream of stuff through heart area.Joy, like pleasurable blob thing on brain felt.Felt like after crying.Weird thing I was sitting ,not meditating,  felt like something is coming ,something is changing and it changed exploxed(spreading ?) anxiety in my  body  .Slow motion or something like  .Maybe i was automaticaly aware of change moment .dont know weird thing.I was not meditating but I was trying to feel it as much as possible. After that heavy feeling of being in a boat.Before bed a bunch of nasty emotions .

Warmth moving fown the legs ,stuff from spine.Boring like desert ,no suffering, no pleasure.And yeah boat stuff alot. Liquidy warmth from spine throught legs.Stuff from back ,burning hate,one thingie in spine going up down ,up down  felt like razor cutting the spine ,stuff moving through right arm, buzzing in knees.Relief ,still i think there is anger , from spine snakelike stream of stuff nonstop half hour.Stuff from spine for few hours now some stuff feels like a piece of broken glass.Buzzing at feet.Leaking warmth liquidy stuff from spine for few hours.Oh yeah forgot to mention meditation seems faster like things come and go maybe x 1.5 faster and more easily.

Hate ,whole body muscles contracted few times ,streams of stuff through heart ,stuff from back felt like some stick on my spine, legs turning cold, hot.Guess something to do with blocked legs.Buzzing in feat.Tought shit .This process more like a Opening of Pandora's Box than Dark Night for me .IMO.

feels heavy fucked up,mindulness weak as f*** ,neurotic as never before mental  pain like i could piss my pants off.Feel like amazingly bad and neurotic.Feel like cried alot.Mind so heavy,thoughts heavy and slow, painlike unsatisfactorness. 

I think this is reobservation.

MCTB on reobservation:



This is progress. Let it break you appart completely. I also recomend you re-read the entire reobservation chapter.

Thanks for help, maybe this is re-observation maybe not .

Sadness,anger (oh jesus again),little bit like in boat, stuff moving in spine and out, through heart .Fear.Gone.Mindfulness back a little bit easier to meditate.Pretty good mood.Little bit high but not just high, weird annoying high.At start was  Insane Hate, screamed in my mind for mercy,cried for help in my mind
I even growl.jesus christ and then blank out just most insane mental pain i ever expierenced.Stuff moved in back ,leaked warmth ,tired,stuff down the navel.Once i wondered if hell was real whats out there ,now I know.Dont remember much .

Fear.Stuff moving in spine and out.Feelin awful.Hard to to sit and practice.Energized ,little bit anger guess there gonna be more.More precise like straw on my spine and through that straw goes stuff, one higher lower and mid,then little bubble through belly,little from belly(little falling star like pew and gone) ,and from right shoulder to left leg big straw with stuff through it.Good mood .

Little bit hard to practice ,like u wanna move go do smthing,stuff moving from heart,heart center,spine,belly.Despair ,hot chunks of warmth from higher spine part moves,alot of warmth stuff.Restsleness ,mind retarted.Take a little break today .
Took a break longest in this period i guess.
Time to get back i missed exciment,well not missed but didn't take it so seriously as negative emotions , obviously because its not so negative and all the time i was occupied bassically with only extreme negative emotions and got habit to deal with something nasty and see that that is problem ,not some little (not so little) pleasurable(by comparison to negative) emotions, something like that.Excitment feels tiring brain fever.
Tried to stay with excitment,thing start to move ,noticed excitment wich was not so easy to notice like little bit slippery felt like ,same time i noticed i felt like pleasure at the top of head like a dot of pleasure, but for second,noticed -second pleasure dot on top of head.Then boom sadness. Uncovered childhood trauma ,tears just bursted from heartbreaking sadness.Alot of stuff ,stuff from belly ,heart centre ,buzzing feet,from spine warmth (hot) moving through both ribs ,liver,fat snake like in all spine moved stopped still there can feel it .Stuff moving in head,little dot thingie in top of the head moved like in and out of the head,in top of the head pleasure ,pleasure at just forehead.Felt asleep while practicing started dreaming .Woke up ,brain tired.

Restlesness ,Lust ,sit throught these,stuff hurtingly moved through rib, stuff gathered at head.Very tired.Weird high mixed with weird fear.

Restlessness ,pleasure sensations ,wandering mind alot,stuff gathering at left side of head,some stuff moved and felt like tearing brain.

Restlesness,then painlike unsatisfaction ,then anger and mix of theese ,tired and unhappy.Stuff moving.Pretty good mood meditation flows easy.

Sharp concentration i guess,nothing much going.Trying to get microscopic concentration or mindfulness.Nope just normal boring meditations sometimes seems fast.Feels like sinking in warm ,slow pleasure ,something negative arises i just relax in to it .I had that tension in forehead all the time , I noticed the wanting craving of pleasure there and I got so much pleasure from that spot or maybe not because of that tension release not sure.

Weird, bizzare everything seems to be not me , lips smiled on their own,then i felt fear.

Sitted like a statue mind still,then joy ,then saddnes.Stuff moving in head ,little bit from heart.

"Nothing much going on". "boring", "relaxed", sounds like early equanimity (as predicted). To develop this: notice everything at once, the entire space, the entire everything happening right now, notice everything happening right now always through the entire sitting.

Thanks for help . That changed ,dont know where I am now .Yeah i try to noticed qualities of that "nothing happening" and I noticed, there allways something there.

Thank you Bruno for reply but can you explain  about noticing wide more in detail.All at once thoughts feeling the body?

Yes, all at once, thoughts, feelings, the body, and everything, but also, and very importantly, any sensation which feels like "the place where things happen", or "the background", or anything like that, this should be included as a meditation object. These are subtle, global-seeming phenomenon.

Or if you prefer: at any point in the meditation, you ask yourself, "is there anything which isn't being included in my attention", and if there is, then include it, and if there isn't, then continue including everything.

Thanks Bruno got it .

Feels like I took ecstacy pill.Want to be with  women ,fear,ecstacy.Ecstacy, almost saliva drips from my mouth from pleasure.but this shit is better then pills ,pure swamp like ecstacy swallows everything fear ,craving.Stuff moving in back.

Anxiety ,paranoia,then energezited mood,then paranoia of health .Horrible scenarios in the head ,felt like forehead is spinning in one directions and face to opposite direction.Want to go sleep ,still gonna try sit with sleepiness.Meditation seems enjoyable even in extreme horror scenarios.Stuff moving in back where hurts.

yesterday stoped smoking, meditated as a shit like so exausted(fasted) didnt drink much water either ,today also fasted, stoped it, starting to run at crazy speed and alot of time with  my dog ,atleast dog had fun ( haha) fucking freezing here to fast ,its gets cold when you fast but in this winter time all the time youre freezing and shivering,summer is better idea to fast .

Good meditation ,Pleasurable , my Kundalini awakening seems to have Lung Cancer symptoms ,lol , wtf . I just quit smoking and Lung Cancer?(hahahahhaha) Now? come on,and in the Dark Night ?This must be a joke . XD Sorry for being Drama Queen .But fuck not fair if this is true.

This guy is trolling. I woukdnt entertain him if I'm you...

The more stupid people are the more suspicious they are.

When you try to fake bad English, keep it constant. It's hilarious though. 

And it doesn't help at all to whatsapp someone with a Dutch number and say you are from Eastern Lithuania.

Quick to judge, aren't we all? I didn't respond to this thread but you dragged me in Bigbird...

Maybe he has a lot of issues, let's look at one:

Matthew needs help with a strange language proficiency fluctuation, I am not qualified to diagnose that. Maybe you guys can.

Same person:
He can spell the same word 3 ways: useless, usseless, uselless.

Although it seems usselless for someone who is being judged to do this, I checked and deemed that to prevent further damage (definitely not to me), I'll point it out.

This is just one point - there's so much that doesn't add up. Check if you got sucked in by his 'special ability' to keep you going on a topic you are interested/deem yourself experienced in. - more mundane insights there.

As humbly put as I could, really - more work to be done there!

Of course I have. And I will have to bear the consequences of that or be okay with it no? It takes more than blind courage to be wrong. I don't know why you dragged me into this and deemed it okay for the monastery and I, to kick off a >100 man hour process to apply a visa without qualifying his suitability for monastic life instead of seeking help from other institutions. What do you think monasteries are? I don't know why you do not see the problems with his very contradictory self-analysis - some stuff I would venture to say are impossible. I don't know why you don't see a problem with a person claiming to be from Lithuania but using a Dutch mobile number (Yes, he will have to make something up to cover that - I hope it's better than his family moved there very conveniently! Him checking or did not check at all the existence of Thai embassy in Lithuania/Holland and saying yes for whatever reasons when I asked him, etc.

If I am any dumber, you just threw me on a very long wild goose chase for?

Now can you see the reason why I am unfairly involved?

Even if you're correct (and to be clear i'm not picking a side here), what does it matter? This is his thread, leave him to spout whatever wisdom or gibberish he wishes.

The reason why is so you and others do not have to suffer. It seems to me that I treat you as a friend to warn you but you just threw something unbelievable at me to process.

Bigbird:I refrained from participating in this thread till now. I did not receive any PM from you. I am participating because I am dragged in and deemed it necessary to warn. I could very well be wrong. I deemed the most selfish response to be keeping quiet.

His last 2 statements to me after I informed him I am blocking him, alarmingly were (It is so strange that pure hearted attempts to help others are deemed as dirt - won't stop me though. I do not live for the approval, if I had, I just keep my bloody mouth shut: can you see that?):

Did you offer to pay for his flight to Thailand, being the kind soul that you are, Bigbird?

I think it is clear (although the reasons aren't) that the process called Yilun Ong who sticks his nose everywhere even when unwanted, kept a safe distant from a 100 post thread. This process was then inserted into this thread and churned out the results we see above. As the universe is perfect and by factors of conditioning - whether we can perceive them or not, will result in a perfect resolution to this. 

Last seen, the process behind the email handle of many alphabets seem to have been cured of his depression and found great laughter and quite possibly a new religion. The other process simply wants to be evacuated from this heli-insertion and I think it's time we allow for that.

I suspect there is no need to worry about either of these processes.

Starting to catch my fire back ,feels like Mind and Body Naná (now i don't know about much about Nanás im guessing ).Because all the hypochondric running with health paranoia I lost concentration ,its now like out 100% feels like 8% or 3%.

I have Netherlands number because I used when I was working in Netherlands ,this whole conversation ended like this because im not gonna argue about some conspiracy theories .

I'm done here. You might want to look at what the leaving Process had done to this other process behind the strange email address:

1. His English advanced by ~5-6 years of grades in school. A remarkable absence of spelling errors in last 3 posts. 
2. The birth of unseen levels of honesty, that will make the game of dharma diagnostics much easier and with less drama.

With this, we thank the Process which is leaving and let him go peacefully, never bringing him back unless the other process does the actual legwork of speaking with his consulate who should launch a RFI as there is no Thai embassy in Lithuania. Otherwise, this is just a bad cancer joke. Goodbye.

1.I learned English watching TV , I rarely have to write anything in years ofcourse I forgot alot ,who cares .
2.Well you misinterpreted my honesty .When you even don't know me, you made alot statements about me ,even without doubt that you might be wrong, you insulted me ,talked shit about me , tried made like people against me ,but thats fine, I have seen alot crazy people who thinks they're doing something good when in reality they're just lost in delusions and conspiracys.
3.Well i don't realy undestand what you just said about some process ,but thats also fine. And also thanks alot for help.
4.What ? Now my email ? Whats wrong with my email?
"hmmm his email seems pretty suspicious too ,I can't read Lithuanian but damn that email looks suspicious"

Well thanks everyone for help , this thread is pretty long to scroll down so I am gonna start new one  .