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Help with doubt

Help with doubt
7/15/19 6:50 AM
Hi, I feel I need to share what is happening to me and I’m looking for wise advice. I usually read this forum and helped me with a lot of stuff. Maybe is not 100% related to meditation what I'm going to explain but anyways my meditation right now is at least 3 sessions of 45 min every day. I start observing my breath until I get access concentration and then I swift observing senses and 3 char on them.

In this moment of my life I need to choose into different options that will change my future and paradigm in the next years. Study/work related, looking to change my profession, and do something more oriented to helping other people, I was working on a warehouse. Need to make some kind of decisions that not usual to do at my age (29), probably go back to study. Right now I feel every decision I have to make generates in me a loot of doubt and insecurity, where, when, how etc.

I need to make some kind of decisions and I never had all this insecurity and doubt in my life. The worst thing is that doubt led me to a lot of anxiety and stress is like cycles of strong head pain and feeling bad sensations in my body. I’m able to stay with the sensation and observing it, penetrate the sensation, see all the impermanence and the vipassana stuff, but at some point I will need to make a decision because I need to prepare with time some stuff.

When the anxiety and stress is too hard and goes nonstop I try to take easy, to calm the mental process, to calm the mind, to put some love and kindness…more Samantha/loving kindness meditation is helping me a lot with that process, but only helps to calm the storm for a while…

Also in a mental level I said to myself “that everything I choose it would be OK”, “that there are not bad decisions just different experiences” but I’m feeling that are just words and goes only in the intellectual level, I don’t have the insight. I’m feeling I can’t connect to this doubt, fear, insecurity o whatever it is.  Every time I make a resolution to make a final decision in a few hours or days I totally change my mind and I’m again without a clear direction and more options and a lot of doubts raising again. When this happen is just want to disappear, I feel really sad and melancholic I have this feeling of wanting to go no-where, leave and forget everything behind me and go like monk-vagabound or something like this, I feel this is just fear and escapism from reality or maybe not.

Maybe is just the experience I have to live right now, go with all this doubt and crazy and unstable emotions for a few months more… probably part of the problem in this doubt is related to thinking about future, I observe mental process going thinking future all time. I feel the “idea” to have to choose in two options make myself paralyze, with a lot of anxiety, stress and fear. I try to stay in the present moment but its hard, the head pain, the storm of thoughts is hard to put some kind of peace and serenity.

Also, now I saw the doubt and indecision had been a constant in my life, the difficulty to choose and make decisions and resolutions, to put things down to earth… but now this went in really hard mode-intensity in this moment of my life and I don’t know what to do emoticon !

Well, thanks for taking your time in reading, any answer is welcome!

RE: Help with doubt
1/26/18 3:10 PM as a reply to Jordi.
aloha jordi,

   I like the monk vagabond idea.

"Blue sky, cold geese honk.
On a bare mountain, tree leaves flutter.
At dusk in the village, smoke billows from every house.
Alone with my empty bowl, I head home.”



RE: Help with doubt
1/26/18 7:27 PM as a reply to Jordi.
Well if you really want to try being a monk, you can email me and get the process going. I'm not sure if there's a misconception that monks are a lifetime commitment, but it isn't here in Thailand. Of couse you shouldnt take it lightly or as a joy ride to escape your problems. There is something about being reduced to bare necessities and finding out the undeniable truth (about happiness?) from there. You can leave anytime with no explanation to anyone. 

Again, this is not a suggestion but an option for your exploration...

Metta to you and may your wisdom prevail! emoticon