Hi this is my new practice log , I'm Matthew from Lithuania 24 years old ,I do "dry vipassana " before that, I got misleading instructions of Mahasi Noting wich I think didn't worked for me very well .But aprox before two months Dharma friends helped me Jonjohn(big thanks for acceptance tool ,I got rid off panic attacks),Bruno Loff,Shargrol ,especially Bigbird by telling me to relax let it go and not to try make something or look for something what in those 2 years of Noting I was doing .So now when I got simple ,clear instructions I naturally switched to Bare Awareness , wich to me feels very natural and very confortable.My mind is really anxious ,hypochondric,deppresed, but now times it get's really beter .I got Kundalini stuff moving. I also quited smoking started to run .

Bringing mindfulness off cushion ,feels like chaos sometimes, brain feels disbanded.Few hours of alot suicidal misery.Really wanned to have a few cigs.Well some old hard rock songs worked out better then cigs.

Yesterday I woke up few times in my sleep from anger and neurotic pain.Crazy .
I think bringing mindfullness off cushion can spice up things .
Changing to body sweeping -bringing mindfulness to the body.
Because ,my dry insight practice feels like same thing over and over again.
Just sitting in your own suffering on and on ,no Stuff moving, nothing, just same rolling in my "neurotic toxic waste",hurts alot and doesn't seem there is a end to this .

Yeah... that sounds about right :-/

But stuff does get better. It might take time to notice a difference with daily practice, but a 10 day retreat shows a huge difference.

Also you could try concentration practice, the jhanas and so on. Many people seem to really benefit from it. (I'm not adept in those and couldn't help you much, if at all, though.)

Thanks man for advice ,I just started TMI ,shamatha stuff, yeah i quit for now dry vippasana ,too much cooking in my own juice with it and no stuff moving .I allways can switch up to my dry vippasana or alternate.So yeah for now I'll try shamatha and see where I can go with it.And if it doesn't lead anywhere atleast I can rest from my "my own neurotic soup" in wich I cycle on and on during vippasana.

Getting used to TMI practice , for now feels really chill, relaxing ,peaceful and cosy. Like author says in spa.

We are doing good. Can people see that and reflect?

Bows deeply to Bruno...

TMI stage three .

Stage four.TMI.Also mindfull off cushion ,really helpful.

Little bit confused about balance between breath and introspective awareness .This is a tricky part ,because in bare awareness you just engulf everything there is no more or less.I guess.Maybe i just gonna roll back to stage three.Too much overthinking , more practice.Mind don't forget breath wile holding introspective awareness ,subtle distractions arise mind brings back attention to the breath .
For me TMI stuff is very good because dry insight it's fucking going with pain without  break on and on but also it seems for me more diffucult, maybe because it's new ,maybe because it's more difficult.

Following the breath pleasure in forehead,unresistable pleasure with drowsiness.Maggot like stuff in back.

Mathew don't fall into "what is the correct balance". The main idea is to not exclude things by forsing "tunel vision", because this forcing leads to strengthened future distractions and overthinking. Stay with the breath but don't close the doors of awareness by rejecting other objects in the periphery (that are not breath). Apart from this, you have to accept some imbalance and uncertainty. Rest right there, accepting this imbalance and uncertainty, and continue. No problem. 

Thanks John , yeah I get too neurotic about "perfect" that or that , don't know why.Now I try be open and not force anything.Mind begins to get little bit calmer.

Avoid caffeine at all even few cups of black tea give me few minutes of brutal anxiety.

I also get a bit confuse there.

What is introspective awareness to you?

Is it turning attention inside to check if toughts are forming or if the mind is still?

"What is introspective awareness to you?"
Being aware was happening at present moment in the mind.
"Is it turning attention inside to check if thoughts are forming or if mind is still ?"
Yes ,but it's introspective awareness for short period of time ,in TMI stage three called cheking in, moving attention from breath to take a "snapshot" of whats happening in mind and then get back to the breath to get use to introspective awareness.In this stage there is no balance because u focus on one ,breath or introspective awareness when u take a "snapshot"
What I was talking about is stage four where u constantly monitor or staying aware whats going on in the mind the mind while gently  holding attention on the breath.I was confused whats the balance of breath and introspective awareness ,more attention on breath or introspective awareness. Actually I don't know I just do it what is comfortable for the mind.Ofcourse primary object is breath, so the breath should be in centre of attention.Balance i think is up to meditator ,what's is comfortable or what stage he is in.
I gently hold attention on breath(meditation object) and at same time I monitor the mind (introspective awareness) for subtle distractions in relax gentle way, I'm not intentionally looking for subtle distractions or searching for them I'm just aware of thing in mind.
If some of subtle distractions(little distractions) starting to become gross distractions(big distractions) wich pushes breath in to peripheral awareness     (thats the differece i think of subtle distractions and gross ,subtle has potential to be gross ,but they don't push breath in peripheral awareness -background,when gross pushes breath in peripheral awareness)     I just notice them and let them go and gently bring back attention to the breath.
This is just my understaning ,I'm not expert on TMI I just started week or so.Sorry ,maybe I wrote to detailed,but I wrote this way just to make everything %100 clear .

Pleasure in brains .

tired of changes of mental stuff,sensations ,feeling.

Sensation of wetness inside forehead.

Lust fucking lust ,but dropped breath counting ,more aware ,again wetness in forehead.

Wetness in forehead .I don't know got better mindfullness today ,when I was in respublic hospital cheking for my hypochondric cancer(lol) ,I just did my bare awareness stuff ,from that point I feel better at mindfullness ,maybe it's because I'm developing stable concentration ,not sure , pretty good mood also.

Mindfulness durin a day all the time effortlesly althought it feels like I have to make a fire then it grows on by itself hard to switch it off like or something , wich resulted in that all body just loose ,heavy stoned calmness ,body is stoned also muscles loose ,slow movements slow speaking, little bit got anxiety from that ,I thought maybe is cancer (hahhahahj), like body doesn't have energy to move at normal speed ,weights a ton ,like that animal sloth ,and expierence seems weird and awkward with strange pleasure.

Little few thingies moved down from heart area.

Second day I'm "souless" ,no emotions .Nothing satisfieds.Music doesn't work brain just doesn't react or smthing ,dharma talks boring ,everything just boring .

Boring and chilled out happens during equanimity territory. (Bored and restless is something else.) Go deeper into peace, calmness, broad panoramic inclusive. Pay attention to everything. Boredom dissipates and then it's just totally OK with everything right here right now. Then stay there, stay there, stay there, include everything, everything, everything, consistently again and again.

Thanks for advice I do it as u say ,but the unsatisfactoriness in everything is really dominant I mean I don't get pleasure much nor unpleasure .

don't know its practice kundalini or what ,shivering all day long ,bones aching , still hipochondric .Nightmares about sickness.Jesus christ .Not cool for my little neurotic brain.

Boring like hell ,everything again just tastless.No pleasure no unpleasure.

Stuff moving  in back ,also in forehead sometimes with pleasure ,little bit of vibration ,sadness with no reason i guess, almost every time wetness sensation in forehead and eyes without real wetness.

Stuff moving in different areas ,shivers in arms little bit pain ,wetness in forehead on emotional level not much happening just feeling down.

Stage 6 TMI.Pauses at the end of in breath and out sometimes seems very long.

Slowly burning nervous system ,tired.
Every thought hurted for an hour like it carried a punch that you wanted to cry from.
Stuff moving in forehead.Want badly to go sleep mind is dropdead  exhausted .Jesus christ past 2 years i was" banging my head against wall" meaning doing wrong understood meditation instructions .Now( thanks to Bigbird )I got right meditation instructions ,fine .I got concentration at same time mindfulness as in TMI says and I sit and sit and sit, hour after hour ,I run ,I workout boring and boring ,common give me my enlightment for fuck sake .(Joking )By the way of this practice I have pretty great improvements less deppresed and anxious ,alot less.

Some stuff snakelike centipede like moved from my back to left side and a yellow light in my eyes flashed for one second .Psychological slow, tiring pain , stuff moving from back of my head to forehead.

Yesterday at night left side of head was aching .Today pain like low voltage electricity through my whole nervous system. I relaxed in to it and it kinda helped .
Mindfullnes with open eyes resulted in light lsd trip -like sensations , everything strange awkward ,people looking strange and bizzare.

Head ache ,sometimes seem comming from one dot in forehead little bit to the right from middle, for half day ,stuff moving in head .

Stuff gathering in head ,stuff moving in spine back, heart area.
Suddenly my mood lifted up , wanted to laugh for no reason ,smiled also for no reason while stuff moved in top of head to forehead or from I can't tell.Also I got this "boiling" sensations in arms or upper body, perhaphs people call it "bubbling " ,but for me it's so intense that feels more like boiling.
Hypochondric fear.
Sitted throught it .When I went to drink I started feel like on booze hard to focus to write head spins little bit vibrations all over the body.

I was really sensitive too. I was unable to drink, smoke, drink coffee.

Now I'm able to have a drink from time to time and drink as much coffee as I want.

I'm not sure what's going on with you but meditation helped me absolutely zero.

How much do you interact with life? Hobbies, friends, work, exercise?

Now I just spend time alone in my house ,my mood swing alot like sometimes is bareable sometimes really not ,I do run and workout  .
Meditation really helps me  . It releases kundalini .Usually when I meditate it starts to move in my body, I feel vibrations, shivers,boiling in my body parts . I mean it doesn't help, like getting everything better. Most of the time it brings me some psychological heavy stuff .I just sitt through it if it doesn't blow me out .I wanted to get Stream Entry now I'm happy to have opportunity to deal with my psychological problems and my main goal to deal with it and just be happy .
I don't use any effort in meditation it happens automatically i just rest my attention on breath really gently and let everything happen on it own it's the only way what works for me ,little bit note some hard emotions or something heavy.
For addiction i like to smoke but I dropped cigs and now I vape ,cigs really taste badly I tried it's awful ,coffee not so much , I eat alot less ,like I eat two time a day till like 5 pm I eat my dinner and a I was not eating meat in my teen for like a 6 years ,these days I don't eat meat at all the smell ,the taste so reppeling and I don't diggest it so good it stays in my stomach very long ,I don't drink milk ,my body doesn't diggest it either so good .I used workout alot , like I could do probably around 26 pull ups , 15 muscle up and etc. now I just workout lightly just to stay in shape and stay active ,if I dropped it probably I would be really skinny .Working out running doesn't help alot for all this stuff for me though.

Stuff moving from heart ,gathering in my forehead from various spots in my head without meditation.Stuff gathering in head ,spining little bit pleasure.

If you're spending time alone at your house you still think this is dark night? Could be depression.

Dark night is when you're forced to deal with psychological issues. Some of those issues are a result of childhood trauma, and some of them are a result of patterns (behaviors) that need to change. Without a balanced life you're not going to be able to see yourself clearly.

You need balance man.

My deppression or anxiety doesn't come from nowhere ,it's not that balanced or not ,it's with some causes besides meditation stuff ,but im pretty balanced in comparison.And reason why I don't go meet people I know  slightly different then my mood swings ,it's about changing patterns in my life ,but what I meant I stay in house and because of mood swings,I could go meet with some girls but for that I'm not ready not that ,that I gonna start to cry or anything ,but I dont feel good enough and still i got problems in my life wich doesn't make me feel good you know ,and if they show up ,I feel pretty fucked up .
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/7285839

"Dark night is when you're forced to deal with psychological issues. Some of those issues are a result of childhood trauma, and some of them are a result of patterns (behaviors) that need to change. " 
 Thanks for telling me that, funny thing to notice I was talking about that 1 or more months ago about what you talk  in my posts you can read my posts link above, there is plenty of traumas and stuff I had to deal with what you're talking about just I thought for reading those stupid maps thats it's something cosmic or stuff like that ,so it was nothing like that.

Stuff gathering in forehead.

Seems like my traumas are finished ,but my thought patterns still there like ,danger -anxiety-fight or flight response -no solution in situation-doom-deppresion. Was allways like that ,I allways knew that.Just 1 year ago i noticed without anxiety my deppresion (more anxious Iam more deppresed) fades away in hours.
Stuff moving in chest area ,forehead.
Nietzche have good moto for life pharafrazed(I dont remember word to word) something like this :" Live like you would want to live your life thousand times".
For me if I had to choose to relive my life again or hang myself now, I would choose second without thinking.
People like think what this baby knows ,doom ?danger? From what ?
Well I grow up in violent enviroment really violent .I was beaten down by 2 meters guy when i was a 16 years lost front tooth ,started lifting bricks ,I didnt have any tools for sport ,beat the shit out my stepfather ,for all the shit he did to me ,the guys who abused me in early days sees my and I swear they're hands are shivering,but I dont go for revenge ,almost didnt go i  jail for violence here jails is same like in Russian same rules same shit ,I would be fucked there,like some people threaten to kill me from time to time , I was attacked with electroschock for no reason,2 guys alot older then me try to like really beat me for my long hair and etc.runned alot ,fighting sometimes ,there was no place to rest from this shit,sometimes i get home with a shoe stamp on my forehead, I got home from stuff like this my mother puking on herself,often my stepfather wouldnt alow me to eat ,abusing me ,if i go to toilet bashing wc door ,I founded money accidentally i bought i guitar i wanted ,few weeks stepfather bashed it and acused me of like broking his car some part when I never did anything like that ,throwed my cat from 5 floor,he hated my cat also,(its not mine ,its just cat for fak sake),my mother wasnt there she was balcked out all the time,I was bullied in school so much i just stop going there, ALOT stupid shit I did myself  ,my friends was from psychiatric hospital,amphetamine addicts (like injecting from 13 years) actually really great guys some of them,heroin addicts ,one overdosed,alcocholics,narcissist,some of them had no empathy at all ,some of them where really from good familys ,some of them were writers much older then me,some of them insane and yeah alot more stories.
I dont say Im tuff ,I cried alot in my room from fear ,suicidal deppresion,panick attacks ,insane anxiety levels ,my mom ,even for my stepfather ,nightmares ,sometimes i just cried for seems no reason ,maybe to much weight for me was this life,sometimes I wished someone would walk and shoot me in head,cause im not tuff i couldnt handle it anymore to much was for me .

Just a brief story from where my anxiety,deppresion stems from .

Much love to you Mathew. That's a lot of shit to deal with.  But you are, and can, and will succeed.  One tiny step at a time.  And you have already taken so many of those steps.

Thanks ,it's past now .Yeah people should help each other in this hell pit would be easier and easier for all ,but  o well ,how its gonna be its gonna be.

rested attention on breath with backround  of ancxiety and etc. dullness and fuck,then i just locked in firmly in present and just stayed aware of whats happening ,few times asked my self :okay whats happening now ?To be more present .Mood lifted ,anxiety gone something not normal,ofcourse for now. Stuff moving in forehead.I note just if something big comes like hypochondria and etc.
Fuck i feel so normal for now ,till brains gonna turn on to my casual mode .Gonna saviour this time listening to Rick James.
Little bit more and unchain my" hands".              Im saying this because my anxiety is like stealing all brain power for worrying ,creating escapes plan,trying to figure out future,how to prevent danger from happening and all that useless shit .It like old useless diotic program running in my brain uses all brain power(or blood) ,ruining my life ,ironically I can protect myself even less ,because I cant focus properly nor speak,nor react normal,thanks evolution for ruining my life,making me even weaker,more scared then I should be  and fuck you.
My interaction with people is poor because I can't focus what theyre saying nor i can express myself properly .

Little bit of "do nothing" ,idk feels like my mind wants to go there .

Breath as base ,but I ignore thoughts,thoughts are like stream of nothing important ,like I dont feel point of watching thoughts anymore ,don't find there anything valuable.Focusing on mind states ,they last longer way longer and have bigger effect ,its like in music tonation of song or something.But now it seems naturally interesting to watch mind states changes.Its like a flavour wich colors instantly the way u look at world ,like u happy world seems a happier place u feel fucked up world seems fucked up and etc.(I know it's not a unique insight ,but it's valuable when u see that directly not just grasp intelectually,because u read somewhere).  I wonder wich "color"  is true?Probably all of them and none .Feeling more normal and normal little by little .

Stuff gathering in head,body parts shaking during practice.

I had this sensation early in morning , like oness with all expierence ,for few moments or minutes,it's felt like simple harmony without flaws,not overwhelming cosmic bliss or something like that.

I noticed  this dissastifaction of this moment, kinda resistance to this moment when  negative sensations arise deppresion ,anxiety,missery,fear  and all that shit ,than flashes for few seconds wanting to get away ,to change it or knowing it could be better ,it's like casual habbit well rooted in me.

With compassion, the answer to your troubles are in MCTB Chapters 17-19. When you are fed up with living with these issues, the practice guidance is very precise in them, IMO. Best wishes to your endeavors...

I hope to see you posting something like that in the near future.
MCTB

Thanks for help .Good points .

Did "do nothing" -just when mind pulled me to do something or show me something I dropped effort to think or react ,then mind felt in resting mode when there were only few thoughts slowly passing by.One part is little bit tricky ,that dropping effort has to drop itself .

Hi Matthew 

This do nothing is not the kind of "let's do nothing to see what happens". It's like surrendering. That the present is your home, and that it does not need correction or antidoting in anyway, and that there is nowhere else to go. Let things manifest and be content with present as it is and stop seeking and overlooking it. Just a note.  

If after some tries you find that this practice feels unstable and agitating, you have to go back and practice stilness with a narrower field of experience, like breath. The attitude i mentioned before though, almost stays the same.  

Yes that´s exactly how i practice, " do nothing".

The quality of surrender is very present.

Thanks ,I think i get it.

Yesterday I was forced to drop meditation due some activitities,my mind wanted to pull me back to home and keep practicing, but I couldn't, I was getting more deppresed by the fact that I have to stop practicing ,mind was really resisting really,in few moments from deppresion it turned into despair.But day was passing by and I just let go of practice, I can't so I can't .So in evening ,I forgot about that I have to go practice, I guess my mind surrendered and let for moment that obsession of goal seeking mind to fade away ,then my mind started to feel more free ,almost physically felt like brains started to breath and feel fresh again . This is the problem of obsesded goal seeking mind .And this is not the first time it happens.Like I was with my friend listening to music ,my mind was just thinking "escape plan" to get to practice and avoid company, but I stayed listen to music talking about it and at night my mind probably let me to forget about practice ,time passing by I started to like just talking ,listening to music and etc. enjoying those little ordinary life moments. I felt reliefed .So I think I should stick to" do nothing " goaless practice, I heard Shinzen Young said it's antidote to "to much effort"or just restict to 30 min a day.                                          And if anybody has thoughts about this or had same expierence ,"obsession" or whatever it is I would really appreciate it . I think this is heroin for my mind I guess this is my Big Issue.

After so much time stuff from heart ,cold snake like things alot.