Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Matthew practice log. pt 2. Mathew Poskus 3/6/18 9:37 AM
RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Mathew Poskus 3/6/18 2:42 PM
RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Mathew Poskus 3/7/18 3:40 AM
RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Bruno Loff 3/7/18 11:45 AM
RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Bruno Loff 3/9/18 12:43 PM
RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Mathew Poskus 3/9/18 12:56 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2. Bruno Loff 4/1/18 11:56 AM
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Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/18 9:37 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/6/18 9:37 AM

Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Hi this is my new practice log , I'm Matthew from Lithuania 24 years old ,I do "dry vipassana " before that, I got misleading instructions of Mahasi Noting wich I think didn't worked for me very well .But aprox before two months Dharma friends helped me Jonjohn(big thanks for acceptance tool ,I got rid off panic attacks),Bruno Loff,Shargrol ,especially Bigbird by telling me to relax let it go and not to try make something or look for something what in those 2 years of Noting I was doing .So now when I got simple ,clear instructions I naturally switched to Bare Awareness , wich to me feels very natural and very confortable.My mind is really anxious ,hypochondric,deppresed, but now times it get's really beter .I got Kundalini stuff moving. I also quited smoking started to run .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/6/18 2:42 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Bringing mindfulness off cushion ,feels like chaos sometimes, brain feels disbanded.Few hours of alot suicidal misery.Really wanned to have a few cigs.Well some old hard rock songs worked out better then cigs.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/18 3:40 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Yesterday I woke up few times in my sleep from anger and neurotic pain.Crazy .
I think bringing mindfullness off cushion can spice up things .
Changing to body sweeping -bringing mindfulness to the body.
Because ,my dry insight practice feels like same thing over and over again.
Just sitting in your own suffering on and on ,no Stuff moving, nothing, just same rolling in my "neurotic toxic waste",hurts alot and doesn't seem there is a end to this .
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Bruno Loff, modified 4 Years ago at 3/7/18 11:45 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Yeah... that sounds about right :-/

But stuff does get better. It might take time to notice a difference with daily practice, but a 10 day retreat shows a huge difference.
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Bruno Loff, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/18 12:43 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Also you could try concentration practice, the jhanas and so on. Many people seem to really benefit from it. (I'm not adept in those and couldn't help you much, if at all, though.)
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/9/18 12:56 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Thanks man for advice ,I just started TMI ,shamatha stuff, yeah i quit for now dry vippasana ,too much cooking in my own juice with it and no stuff moving .I allways can switch up to my dry vippasana or alternate.So yeah for now I'll try shamatha and see where I can go with it.And if it doesn't lead anywhere atleast I can rest from my "my own neurotic soup" in wich I cycle on and on during vippasana.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/18 10:41 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/11/18 10:36 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Getting used to TMI practice , for now feels really chill, relaxing ,peaceful and cosy. Like author says in spa.
Yilun Ong, modified 4 Years ago at 3/11/18 3:25 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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We are doing good. Can people see that and reflect?

Bows deeply to Bruno...
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/13/18 12:01 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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TMI stage three .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/14/18 8:15 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stage four.TMI.Also mindfull off cushion ,really helpful.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/14/18 3:59 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/14/18 1:26 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Little bit confused about balance between breath and introspective awareness .This is a tricky part ,because in bare awareness you just engulf everything there is no more or less.I guess.Maybe i just gonna roll back to stage three.Too much overthinking , more practice.Mind don't forget breath wile holding introspective awareness ,subtle distractions arise mind brings back attention to the breath .
For me TMI stuff is very good because dry insight it's fucking going with pain without  break on and on but also it seems for me more diffucult, maybe because it's new ,maybe because it's more difficult.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/18 8:29 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Following the breath pleasure in forehead,unresistable pleasure with drowsiness.Maggot like stuff in back.
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jonjohn, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/18 10:59 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Mathew don't fall into "what is the correct balance". The main idea is to not exclude things by forsing "tunel vision", because this forcing leads to strengthened future distractions and overthinking. Stay with the breath but don't close the doors of awareness by rejecting other objects in the periphery (that are not breath). Apart from this, you have to accept some imbalance and uncertainty. Rest right there, accepting this imbalance and uncertainty, and continue. No problem. 
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/15/18 11:26 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Thanks John , yeah I get too neurotic about "perfect" that or that , don't know why.Now I try be open and not force anything.Mind begins to get little bit calmer.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/18 4:43 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Avoid caffeine at all even few cups of black tea give me few minutes of brutal anxiety.
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alguidar, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/18 5:51 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/16/18 5:51 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Mathew Poskus:
Little bit confused about balance between breath and introspective awareness .This is a tricky part ,because in bare awareness you just engulf everything there is no more or less.I guess.Maybe i just gonna roll back to stage three.Too much overthinking , more practice.Mind don't forget breath wile holding introspective awareness ,subtle distractions arise mind brings back attention to the breath .
For me TMI stuff is very good because dry insight it's fucking going with pain without  break on and on but also it seems for me more diffucult, maybe because it's new ,maybe because it's more difficult.
I also get a bit confuse there.

What is introspective awareness to you?

Is it turning attention inside to check if toughts are forming or if the mind is still?
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/16/18 8:44 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/16/18 7:03 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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"What is introspective awareness to you?"
Being aware was happening at present moment in the mind.
"Is it turning attention inside to check if thoughts are forming or if mind is still ?"
Yes ,but it's introspective awareness for short period of time ,in TMI stage three called cheking in, moving attention from breath to take a "snapshot" of whats happening in mind and then get back to the breath to get use to introspective awareness.In this stage there is no balance because u focus on one ,breath or introspective awareness when u take a "snapshot"
What I was talking about is stage four where u constantly monitor or staying aware whats going on in the mind the mind while gently  holding attention on the breath.I was confused whats the balance of breath and introspective awareness ,more attention on breath or introspective awareness. Actually I don't know I just do it what is comfortable for the mind.Ofcourse primary object is breath, so the breath should be in centre of attention.Balance i think is up to meditator ,what's is comfortable or what stage he is in.
I gently hold attention on breath(meditation object) and at same time I monitor the mind (introspective awareness) for subtle distractions in relax gentle way, I'm not intentionally looking for subtle distractions or searching for them I'm just aware of thing in mind.
If some of subtle distractions(little distractions) starting to become gross distractions(big distractions) wich pushes breath in to peripheral awareness     (thats the differece i think of subtle distractions and gross ,subtle has potential to be gross ,but they don't push breath in peripheral awareness -background,when gross pushes breath in peripheral awareness)     I just notice them and let them go and gently bring back attention to the breath.
This is just my understaning ,I'm not expert on TMI I just started week or so.Sorry ,maybe I wrote to detailed,but I wrote this way just to make everything %100 clear .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/17/18 2:25 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/17/18 2:25 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Pleasure in brains .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/19/18 6:46 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/19/18 6:46 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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tired of changes of mental stuff,sensations ,feeling.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/20/18 1:14 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/20/18 1:14 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Sensation of wetness inside forehead.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/21/18 9:51 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/21/18 9:51 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Lust fucking lust ,but dropped breath counting ,more aware ,again wetness in forehead.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/22/18 3:52 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/22/18 1:50 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Wetness in forehead .I don't know got better mindfullness today ,when I was in respublic hospital cheking for my hypochondric cancer(lol) ,I just did my bare awareness stuff ,from that point I feel better at mindfullness ,maybe it's because I'm developing stable concentration ,not sure , pretty good mood also.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/23/18 6:29 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/23/18 6:21 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Mindfulness durin a day all the time effortlesly althought it feels like I have to make a fire then it grows on by itself hard to switch it off like or something , wich resulted in that all body just loose ,heavy stoned calmness ,body is stoned also muscles loose ,slow movements slow speaking, little bit got anxiety from that ,I thought maybe is cancer (hahhahahj), like body doesn't have energy to move at normal speed ,weights a ton ,like that animal sloth ,and expierence seems weird and awkward with strange pleasure.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/26/18 2:14 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/26/18 2:14 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Little few thingies moved down from heart area.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 3/31/18 1:00 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 3/31/18 12:51 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Second day I'm "souless" ,no emotions .Nothing satisfieds.Music doesn't work brain just doesn't react or smthing ,dharma talks boring ,everything just boring .
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Bruno Loff, modified 4 Years ago at 4/1/18 11:56 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Boring and chilled out happens during equanimity territory. (Bored and restless is something else.) Go deeper into peace, calmness, broad panoramic inclusive. Pay attention to everything. Boredom dissipates and then it's just totally OK with everything right here right now. Then stay there, stay there, stay there, include everything, everything, everything, consistently again and again.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/2/18 9:06 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Thanks for advice I do it as u say ,but the unsatisfactoriness in everything is really dominant I mean I don't get pleasure much nor unpleasure .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/2/18 5:11 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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don't know its practice kundalini or what ,shivering all day long ,bones aching , still hipochondric .Nightmares about sickness.Jesus christ .Not cool for my little neurotic brain.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/3/18 3:00 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Boring like hell ,everything again just tastless.No pleasure no unpleasure.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/7/18 6:28 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/6/18 1:34 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stuff moving  in back ,also in forehead sometimes with pleasure ,little bit of vibration ,sadness with no reason i guess, almost every time wetness sensation in forehead and eyes without real wetness.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/7/18 8:17 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/7/18 7:34 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stuff moving in different areas ,shivers in arms little bit pain ,wetness in forehead on emotional level not much happening just feeling down.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/9/18 4:01 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/9/18 11:34 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stage 6 TMI.Pauses at the end of in breath and out sometimes seems very long.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/11/18 1:53 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/11/18 3:52 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Slowly burning nervous system ,tired.
Every thought hurted for an hour like it carried a punch that you wanted to cry from.
Stuff moving in forehead.Want badly to go sleep mind is dropdead  exhausted .Jesus christ past 2 years i was" banging my head against wall" meaning doing wrong understood meditation instructions .Now( thanks to Bigbird )I got right meditation instructions ,fine .I got concentration at same time mindfulness as in TMI says and I sit and sit and sit, hour after hour ,I run ,I workout boring and boring ,common give me my enlightment for fuck sake .(Joking emoticon)By the way of this practice I have pretty great improvements less deppresed and anxious ,alot less.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/13/18 4:01 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/13/18 12:48 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Some stuff snakelike centipede like moved from my back to left side and a yellow light in my eyes flashed for one second .Psychological slow, tiring pain , stuff moving from back of my head to forehead.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/14/18 12:46 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Yesterday at night left side of head was aching .Today pain like low voltage electricity through my whole nervous system. I relaxed in to it and it kinda helped .
Mindfullnes with open eyes resulted in light lsd trip -like sensations , everything strange awkward ,people looking strange and bizzare.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/17/18 2:03 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/17/18 2:03 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Head ache ,sometimes seem comming from one dot in forehead little bit to the right from middle, for half day ,stuff moving in head .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/18/18 2:53 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/18/18 9:46 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stuff gathering in head ,stuff moving in spine back, heart area.
Suddenly my mood lifted up , wanted to laugh for no reason ,smiled also for no reason while stuff moved in top of head to forehead or from I can't tell.Also I got this "boiling" sensations in arms or upper body, perhaphs people call it "bubbling " ,but for me it's so intense that feels more like boiling.
Hypochondric fear.
Sitted throught it .When I went to drink I started feel like on booze hard to focus to write head spins little bit vibrations all over the body.
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ivory, modified 4 Years ago at 4/19/18 12:41 AM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Mathew Poskus:
Avoid caffeine at all even few cups of black tea give me few minutes of brutal anxiety.


I was really sensitive too. I was unable to drink, smoke, drink coffee.

Now I'm able to have a drink from time to time and drink as much coffee as I want.

I'm not sure what's going on with you but meditation helped me absolutely zero.

How much do you interact with life? Hobbies, friends, work, exercise?
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/20/18 1:40 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/19/18 2:31 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Now I just spend time alone in my house ,my mood swing alot like sometimes is bareable sometimes really not emoticon ,I do run and workout  .
Meditation really helps me  . It releases kundalini .Usually when I meditate it starts to move in my body, I feel vibrations, shivers,boiling in my body parts . I mean it doesn't help, like getting everything better. Most of the time it brings me some psychological heavy stuff .I just sitt through it if it doesn't blow me out emoticon.I wanted to get Stream Entry now I'm happy to have opportunity to deal with my psychological problems and my main goal to deal with it and just be happy .
I don't use any effort in meditation it happens automatically i just rest my attention on breath really gently and let everything happen on it own it's the only way what works for me ,little bit note some hard emotions or something heavy.
For addiction i like to smoke but I dropped cigs and now I vape ,cigs really taste badly I tried it's awful ,coffee not so much , I eat alot less ,like I eat two time a day till like 5 pm I eat my dinner and a I was not eating meat in my teen for like a 6 years ,these days I don't eat meat at all the smell ,the taste so reppeling and I don't diggest it so good it stays in my stomach very long ,I don't drink milk ,my body doesn't diggest it either so good .I used workout alot , like I could do probably around 26 pull ups , 15 muscle up and etc. now I just workout lightly just to stay in shape and stay active ,if I dropped it probably I would be really skinny .Working out running doesn't help alot for all this stuff for me though.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/19/18 2:50 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/19/18 11:33 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stuff moving from heart ,gathering in my forehead from various spots in my head without meditation.Stuff gathering in head ,spining little bit pleasure.
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ivory, modified 4 Years ago at 4/20/18 9:05 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/20/18 9:05 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Mathew Poskus:
Now I just spend time alone in my house ,my mood swing alot like sometimes is bareable sometimes really not emoticon ,I do run and workout.

If you're spending time alone at your house you still think this is dark night? Could be depression.

Dark night is when you're forced to deal with psychological issues. Some of those issues are a result of childhood trauma, and some of them are a result of patterns (behaviors) that need to change. Without a balanced life you're not going to be able to see yourself clearly.

You need balance man.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/21/18 3:34 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/21/18 1:56 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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My deppression or anxiety doesn't come from nowhere ,it's not that balanced or not ,it's with some causes besides meditation stuff ,but im pretty balanced in comparison.And reason why I don't go meet people I know  slightly different then my mood swings ,it's about changing patterns in my life ,but what I meant I stay in house and because of mood swings,I could go meet with some girls but for that I'm not ready not that ,that I gonna start to cry or anything ,but I dont feel good enough and still i got problems in my life wich doesn't make me feel good you know ,and if they show up ,I feel pretty fucked up .
https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/7285839

"Dark night is when you're forced to deal with psychological issues. Some of those issues are a result of childhood trauma, and some of them are a result of patterns (behaviors) that need to change. " 
 Thanks for telling me that, funny thing to notice I was talking about that 1 or more months ago about what you talk  in my posts you can read my posts link above, there is plenty of traumas and stuff I had to deal with what you're talking about just I thought for reading those stupid maps thats it's something cosmic or stuff like that ,so it was nothing like that.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/21/18 2:20 PM
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RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Stuff gathering in forehead.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/24/18 1:32 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/23/18 1:38 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

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Seems like my traumas are finished ,but my thought patterns still there like ,danger -anxiety-fight or flight response -no solution in situation-doom-deppresion. Was allways like that ,I allways knew that.Just 1 year ago i noticed without anxiety my deppresion (more anxious Iam more deppresed) fades away in hours.
Stuff moving in chest area ,forehead.
Nietzche have good moto for life pharafrazed(I dont remember word to word) something like this :" Live like you would want to live your life thousand times".
For me if I had to choose to relive my life again or hang myself now, I would choose second without thinking.
People like think what this baby knows ,doom ?danger? From what ?
Well I grow up in violent enviroment really violent .I was beaten down by 2 meters guy when i was a 16 years lost front tooth ,started lifting bricks ,I didnt have any tools for sport ,beat the shit out my stepfather ,for all the shit he did to me ,the guys who abused me in early days sees my and I swear they're hands are shivering,but I dont go for revenge ,almost didnt go i  jail for violence here jails is same like in Russian same rules same shit ,I would be fucked there,like some people threaten to kill me from time to time , I was attacked with electroschock for no reason,2 guys alot older then me try to like really beat me for my long hair and etc.runned alot ,fighting sometimes ,there was no place to rest from this shit,sometimes i get home with a shoe stamp on my forehead, I got home from stuff like this my mother puking on herself,often my stepfather wouldnt alow me to eat ,abusing me ,if i go to toilet bashing wc door ,I founded money accidentally i bought i guitar i wanted ,few weeks stepfather bashed it and acused me of like broking his car some part when I never did anything like that ,throwed my cat from 5 floor,he hated my cat also,(its not mine ,its just cat for fak sake),my mother wasnt there she was balcked out all the time,I was bullied in school so much i just stop going there, ALOT stupid shit I did myself  ,my friends was from psychiatric hospital,amphetamine addicts (like injecting from 13 years) actually really great guys some of them,heroin addicts ,one overdosed,alcocholics,narcissist,some of them had no empathy at all ,some of them where really from good familys ,some of them were writers much older then me,some of them insane and yeah alot more stories.
I dont say Im tuff ,I cried alot in my room from fear ,suicidal deppresion,panick attacks ,insane anxiety levels ,my mom ,even for my stepfather ,nightmares ,sometimes i just cried for seems no reason ,maybe to much weight for me was this life,sometimes I wished someone would walk and shoot me in head,cause im not tuff i couldnt handle it anymore to much was for me .

Just a brief story from where my anxiety,deppresion stems from .
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Not two, not one, modified 4 Years ago at 4/23/18 2:47 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/23/18 2:47 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 985 Join Date: 7/13/17 Recent Posts
Much love to you Mathew. That's a lot of shit to deal with.  But you are, and can, and will succeed.  One tiny step at a time.  And you have already taken so many of those steps.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/24/18 1:46 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/23/18 3:06 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Thanks ,it's past now .Yeah people should help each other in this hell pit would be easier and easier for all ,but  o well ,how its gonna be its gonna be.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/25/18 3:22 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/25/18 11:40 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
rested attention on breath with backround  of ancxiety and etc. dullness and fuck,then i just locked in firmly in present and just stayed aware of whats happening ,few times asked my self :okay whats happening now ?To be more present .Mood lifted ,anxiety gone something not normal,ofcourse for now. Stuff moving in forehead.I note just if something big comes like hypochondria and etc.
Fuck i feel so normal for now ,till brains gonna turn on to my casual mode emoticon .Gonna saviour this time listening to Rick James.
Little bit more and unchain my" hands".              Im saying this because my anxiety is like stealing all brain power for worrying ,creating escapes plan,trying to figure out future,how to prevent danger from happening and all that useless shit .It like old useless diotic program running in my brain uses all brain power(or blood) ,ruining my life ,ironically I can protect myself even less ,because I cant focus properly nor speak,nor react normal,thanks evolution for ruining my life,making me even weaker,more scared then I should be  and fuck you.
My interaction with people is poor because I can't focus what theyre saying nor i can express myself properly .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/26/18 3:19 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/26/18 3:19 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Little bit of "do nothing" ,idk feels like my mind wants to go there .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/28/18 2:25 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/27/18 2:06 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Breath as base ,but I ignore thoughts,thoughts are like stream of nothing important ,like I dont feel point of watching thoughts anymore ,don't find there anything valuable.Focusing on mind states ,they last longer way longer and have bigger effect ,its like in music tonation of song or something.But now it seems naturally interesting to watch mind states changes.Its like a flavour wich colors instantly the way u look at world ,like u happy world seems a happier place u feel fucked up world seems fucked up and etc.(I know it's not a unique insight ,but it's valuable when u see that directly not just grasp intelectually,because u read somewhere).  I wonder wich "color"  is true?Probably all of them and none .Feeling more normal and normal little by little .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/28/18 2:24 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/28/18 2:24 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Stuff gathering in head,body parts shaking during practice.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/29/18 3:15 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/29/18 3:05 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
I had this sensation early in morning , like oness with all expierence ,for few moments or minutes,it's felt like simple harmony without flaws,not overwhelming cosmic bliss or something like that.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 6:07 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 5:35 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
I noticed  this dissastifaction of this moment, kinda resistance to this moment when  negative sensations arise deppresion ,anxiety,missery,fear  and all that shit ,than flashes for few seconds wanting to get away ,to change it or knowing it could be better ,it's like casual habbit well rooted in me.
Yilun Ong, modified 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 8:10 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 6:35 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 623 Join Date: 8/7/17 Recent Posts
With compassion, the answer to your troubles are in MCTB Chapters 17-19. When you are fed up with living with these issues, the practice guidance is very precise in them, IMO. Best wishes to your endeavors...

I hope to see you posting something like that in the near future.

“I noticed that most of my experience was made of sensations that
didn’t seem to relate to that Big Issue. Sometimes I noticed the three
characteristics of the sensations that seem to be related to the old Big
Issue pattern of sensations, and sometimes I was able to stay with the
sensations of breathing. However, regardless of which sensations arose,
I was generally able to see some aspect of the true nature of them. Thus,
I find that I am able to keep practicing and not get lost in old, circular
thoughts about that Big Issue that do me little good and have caused me
much pain.”

MCTB
Becoming fluent in the true nature of all categories of sensations,
including the sensations that make up all categories of emotions, is a
particularly good idea and highly recommended. This might even be
undertaken as a systematic practice by those who are dedicated to
thorough understanding. Thus, those doing noting practice, which I
highly recommend, can note which emotions they are feeling, such as
fear, boredom, anger, confidence, restlessness, joy, jealousy, etc.
Further, if the powerful energy of the emotional life can be
harnessed to energize our practice, this can be extremely helpful. Some
level of skill and moderation is required here, a middle way between
defilement restraint and energy transmutation. Either extreme can be
harmful or helpful depending on how much wisdom the student has,
how good their teachers are, and how well the student listens to their
teachers.

It should be noted that those who are passionate about practice and
learning to actually practice correctly are much more likely to make
progress than those who are not. Those who are able to channel all their
rage, frustration, lust, greed, despair, confusion and anguish into trying
to find a better way are the only ones who are likely to have what it takes
to finally attain freedom.
Those who are actually able to sit with the
specific sensations that make up rage, lust, anger, confusion and all the
rest with clarity, precision, acceptance of their humanity, and equanimity
are even more likely to get enlightened.
This paragraph deserves to be
read more than once.

It is common for be people to feel bad about their lack of progress.
This can cause them to feel extremely frustrated, and produce all sorts
of self-judgment, jealousy, extremes of blind faith, and rigid adherence
to dogma. It can paralyze a student’s practice if they get caught in these
or in thinking that desire for enlightenment is a problem when in fact it
is the most compassionate wish that someone could have for themselves
or others. The whole trick is to channel this energy into actual practice
using good technique rather than comparison or thoughts about
progress. Simply examine the sensations that make up all of this
frustration and comparison, i.e. don’t stop investigating when certain
categories of sensations arise.

Try this little exercise the next time some kind of strong and
seemingly useless or unskillful emotion arises. First, stabilize precisely
on the sensations that make it up and perhaps even allow these to
become stronger if this helps you to examine them more clearly. Find
where these are in the body, and see as clearly as possible what sorts of
images and story lines are associated with these physical sensations. Be
absolutely clear about the full magnitude of the suffering in these, how
long each lasts, that these sensations are observed and not particularly in
one’s control.

Now, find the compassion in it. Take a minute or two (no more) to
reflect on why this particular pattern of sensations seems to be of some
use even though it may not seem completely useful in its current form.
Is there a wish for yourself or others to be happy in these sensations? Is

there a wish for the world to be a better place? Is there a wish for
someone to understand something important? Is there a wish for things
to be better than they are? Is there a wish to find pleasure, tranquility, or
the end of suffering? Sit with these questions, with the sensations that
make them up, allowing them to be strong enough for to see what is
going on but not so strong that you become completely overwhelmed by
them.

Notice that fear has in it the desire to protect us or those about
whom we care. Anger wants the world to be happy and work well or for
justice to be done. Frustration comes from the caring sensations of
anger being thwarted. Desire is rooted in the wish to be happy.
Judgment comes from the wish for things to conform to high standards.
Sadness comes from the sense of how good things could be. I could go
on like this for a whole book.

Actively reflecting along these lines, sit with this compassionate wish,
acknowledge it, and feel the compassionate aspect of it. Allow the actual
sensations that seem to be fundamental to wanting to be directly
understood as and where they are. Remember that this same quality of
compassion is in all beings, in all their unskillful and confused attempts
to find happiness and the end of suffering. Sit for a bit with this
reflection as it relates directly to your experience.

Then, examine the mental sensations related to the object that you
either wish for (attraction), wish to get away from (aversion), or wish
would just be able to be ignored (ignorance). Examine realistically if this
will fundamentally help yourself and others and if these changes are
within your power to bring about. If so, then plan and act with as much
compassion and kindness as possible.

Remember then that all the rest of the suffering of that emotional
pattern is created by your mind and its confusion, and vow to channel
its force into developing morality, concentration, and wisdom.

Reflection on the fact that the emotions have unskillful components as
well as skillful ones can give us a more realistic relationship to our
hearts, minds and bodies, and allow us to grow in wisdom and kindness
without blindly shutting ourselves down or chaining ourselves to a wall.
From a certain point of view, we are all doing our best all the time, and
the problem is just that we do not see clearly enough.

There is a Tibetan teaching from Tantra called “The Five Buddha
Families” or “Five Sky Dancers” that does a good job of dealing with the
wide world of emotions and their helpful and less than helpful aspects.
There is also a Tibetan teaching called “The Six Realms” that can help
as well. Both of these teachings are too rich and deep to do them justice
here.

Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 1:57 PM
Created 4 Years ago at 4/30/18 1:57 PM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Thanks for help emoticon.Good points .
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 5/1/18 6:05 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 5/1/18 6:03 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Did "do nothing" -just when mind pulled me to do something or show me something I dropped effort to think or react ,then mind felt in resting mode when there were only few thoughts slowly passing by.One part is little bit tricky ,that dropping effort has to drop itself .
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jonjohn, modified 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 2:44 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 2:35 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 91 Join Date: 3/24/17 Recent Posts
Hi Matthew 

This do nothing is not the kind of "let's do nothing to see what happens". It's like surrendering. That the present is your home, and that it does not need correction or antidoting in anyway, and that there is nowhere else to go. Let things manifest and be content with present as it is and stop seeking and overlooking it. Just a note.  

If after some tries you find that this practice feels unstable and agitating, you have to go back and practice stilness with a narrower field of experience, like breath. The attitude i mentioned before though, almost stays the same.  
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alguidar, modified 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 5:29 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 5:29 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 106 Join Date: 6/4/17 Recent Posts
jonjohn:
Hi Matthew 

This do nothing is not the kind of "let's do nothing to see what happens". It's like surrendering. That the present is your home, and that it does not need correction or antidoting in anyway, and that there is nowhere else to go. Let things manifest and be content with present as it is and stop seeking and overlooking it. Just a note.  

If after some tries you find that this practice feels unstable and agitating, you have to go back and practice stilness with a narrower field of experience, like breath. The attitude i mentioned before though, almost stays the same.  


Yes that´s exactly how i practice, " do nothing".

The quality of surrender is very present.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 5:39 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 5:39 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Thanks ,I think i get it.
Mathew Poskus, modified 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 6:33 AM
Created 4 Years ago at 5/2/18 6:01 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
Yesterday I was forced to drop meditation due some activitities,my mind wanted to pull me back to home and keep practicing, but I couldn't, I was getting more deppresed by the fact that I have to stop practicing ,mind was really resisting really,in few moments from deppresion it turned into despair.But day was passing by and I just let go of practice, I can't so I can't .So in evening ,I forgot about that I have to go practice, I guess my mind surrendered and let for moment that obsession of goal seeking mind to fade away ,then my mind started to feel more free ,almost physically felt like brains started to breath and feel fresh again . This is the problem of obsesded goal seeking mind .And this is not the first time it happens.Like I was with my friend listening to music ,my mind was just thinking "escape plan" to get to practice and avoid company, but I stayed listen to music talking about it and at night my mind probably let me to forget about practice ,time passing by I started to like just talking ,listening to music and etc. enjoying those little ordinary life moments. I felt reliefed .So I think I should stick to" do nothing " goaless practice, I heard Shinzen Young said it's antidote to "to much effort"or just restict to 30 min a day.                                          And if anybody has thoughts about this or had same expierence ,"obsession" or whatever it is I would really appreciate it . I think this is heroin for my mind I guess this is my Big Issue.
Mathew Poskus, modified 3 Years ago at 10/19/18 6:23 AM
Created 3 Years ago at 10/19/18 6:23 AM

RE: Matthew practice log. pt 2.

Posts: 213 Join Date: 10/24/15 Recent Posts
After so much time stuff from heart ,cold snake like things alot.