Hello everyone here at DhO,
Finding this site, reading everyone's posts, has been fantastic. I have been in a long ass dark night well over a year now, though I didn’t even recognize this until a couple days ago. During the darkest parts my feeling was ‘Death, take me if you want, I’m ready…’ But now, reading all these lucid, honest post have been like beams of light that have broken up the darkness – and I am feeling almost as if reborn.
I apologize in advance for this preposterously long post, but I'm just so excited!. I just finished a 20 day Goenka course – it was both the best and the worst, the last one I ever want to do, and yet the beginning of what I really want to do. Though what that is, after getting so much new input from this site, particularly the AF, I’m not sure. And in this uncertainty, which is quite relaxed and spacious, what is glaringly obvious is the everpresent fairy tale quality of reality as mentioned in PCE’s and AF, and the wonderful invitation to simply dwell here, frolic here, in this eternal now. But could it be so easy as this?
Tarin had asked me what my goals are, when I asked his opinion in light of AF – are retreats still useful? Is mind concentration and jhanas still useful? (He said potentially yes.) My goals have never been an easy question for me, but now it seems more clear. Without a doubt I am most drawn to the practice of utter devotion of attentiveness to the present, utter surrender to existence as it is. Since my days at Osho’s ashram (‘93-95), immersed in tantra, dynamic meditation, and very honest relating, when extreme and prolonged states of ecstasy just took over, the practice of surrendering to existence has had the most gravity. Those times of course always led to ever deeper plunges into darkness, into my core stuff. I suppose this is what is called cycling?
I know this vague and rambling – I’m trying to get a sense of where I am, as the maps right now seem convoluted. Perhaps I’ve already attained first path? I do not know. I suppose knowing this could be helpful, or maybe not! Maybe not knowing is better, as I will be totally free to explore as I feel, not be bound by maps and models, free to ‘follow the openings’ as a Feldenkrais elder used to say. I did a 10 day Goenka course with this attitude a couple years ago. I found the scanning and sweeping to be far too laborious so I said screw it, at which point Osho’s words kicked in: ‘do absolutely nothing at all…’ This was beautiful! Just sitting there doing nothing, openings occurred naturally, penetrating insight, equanimity, an abundant dose of radiant bliss– was a fine retreat – which of course led to more dark night, this one explosive in nature.
The period that could possibly have been stream entry started during a different Goenka 10 day, in 2007. The anapana period was particularly strong, and during the 4th day when we are instructed to switch attention from the ‘touch of the breath’ on the upper lip area, to only the sensation of that area, this was a breakthrough. In the effort to distinguish the super subtle vibrations at this finger tip sized area, concentration sharpened so that what before were bodily sensations now I could see as parts of mind. As if looking at a drop of water under a high powered microscope, full of tiny life swimming around. Random and unconnected bits of memory, of past, of unconsciousness just swimming and swirling about. It was quite a wondrous opening, but the penetration of this sharpened mind got very intense, with incinerator like burning. After a particularly stark tea break, a December course, dark early, cold outside, a bleak squirt of lemon juice in hot water, the only relief was to just surrender, let go, and in this there was peace. I awoke about 2 am, meditated a bit, when my mind popped – like vapor condensing into dew, a sudden coalescense – yes a pop, and a bright and effortless, wonderful bliss and clarity. A lovely little satori, and as I lay down and fell asleep again, I was still very conscious, watching dreams form.
Maybe it was the next night that I had one of the strangest but coolest dreams – that my godchild’s daughter (biracial, she now reminds me of Stephany) was so tiny she could stand in the palm of my hand. She was on the ground, and the earth was melting into little rivulets of water, and she was in a state of utter, utter surrender, letting this melting earth pour all over her. She was all muddy and wet and I asked her ‘what will your parents think?’ But she was so surrendered that it mattered not one iota. The liberating feeling in this dream was beautiful. The next night I dreamed of a much bigger river, at the bottom of a large valley, in which a myriad of life forms swam in , including myself, as this was the genesis of all the life on this earth.
That winter I spent in a Bangkok apartment, meditating 6 hours a day or so, for several months. My pesky little habit of an occaisional beer or two dropped away without any effort or thought whatsoever. Much lessened desire for food, especially dinners, just more and more meditation. After a few weeks of samathas, then a period of deep and often painful burning sits, followed by ultra bliss the following mornings, I entered what I guess was first jhana, maybe second? I don’t know, at the time I hadn’t even heard of a jhana, but its quality was extremely lucid.
Goenka’s words were my guide: piercing and penetrating, observing subtler and subtler vibrations. This lead to what felt like a current that flowed through my core. The best way I can describe it is like brilliant liquid light pulsing through me, which seemed to have subtle waves moving through it, reaching peaks of almost unbearable bliss, though bliss doesn’t really capture it. Nor ecstasy. I don’t know – but the state was utterly absorbing and sublime, lasting for as long as I could sit there, and was repeatable during the following month or so. There were several very brief moments in there that startled me, almost scared me, when awareness would start to coalesce, and I sensed that something could really, really open – but I didn’t go for it. Such a wuss. Anyway that time in Bangkok led unexpectedly to a wonderful trip to India with my Thai friend, to the mountain ashram of an 'enlightened' (another topic) Indian guy I had spent lots of time with back in '95. So there was a reprieve, didn't get body slammed right away by another dark night. Apparently it was saving its strength for this past year, which nearly finished me off. Which is why I am so thankful for this excellent creation of DhO...as I now seem to have emerged, smack in the middle of some wide and wondrous path.
If anyone was willing to wade through all that, any thoughts? Possible stream entry?
