Possible insight into an old experience

Wet Paint, modified 13 Years ago at 4/25/09 11:33 PM
Created 13 Years ago at 4/25/09 11:33 PM

Possible insight into an old experience

Posts: 22924 Join Date: 8/6/09 Recent Posts
Author: StacyCurl
Forum: Dharma Overground Discussion Forum

I've just read MCTB and I think I've gained a new understanding of some old and recurring experiences.

Starting from childhood I've had this occasional experience of an all encompassing fear, the experience has a vibratory quality to it and I feel unusually closeness to my thoughts, like I'm being watched. Once when I remained intently present on the sense of being watched (like staring down a demon) when the experience shifted it felt like the snake/rope story. This experience reoccurs perhaps once a year.

My most significant experience occurred in 1997 when I began practising the Quan Yin method (QYM) (though I'm mostly disillusioned with this practice and its teacher today). QYM's model of enlightenment includes limited emotional range and action. One day I applied this model to myself and found myself lacking, I did some chores around the house and beat myself up emotionally whilst I did them, I was not cleaning the floor I was cleaning as my unsaintly self. Predictably enough I soon felt quite upset and on hearing some touching music on tv I wept all this built up emotion away. At the end of this a judgement popped into my mind and I realised these thoughts were what made me see my self / meditation as bad and I felt a complete disgust with these judgements and with the whole opinion formation process, somehow I threw all of this out, as thoughts popped in I ousted them in an almost physical way and very soon I experienced a dropping away and a brilliant clear faceted light. Because QYM describes progress as that of seeing higher and higher heavens I became attached to this experience, but I also became interested in scepticism, falsification, etc. as it seemed like not accepting or being defined by opinions triggered the experience.

Perhaps I've experienced Fear, Misery, Disgust, Desire for Deliverance (from opinions), and then something ? This happened in 1997 and I don't think I cycle.