The magic of forgiveness seems to be working a little. I found myself going through my transgressions one by one, really feeling the pain and asking for forgiveness from the person I hurt (whether they were aware of it or not). Finally I felt able to forgive myself a little, and also ask myself for forgiveness. I guess that means I’m forgiving the angry hurt reactive personality in me and also that personality is asking for forgiveness, although I’m not sure who the “I” is who is forgiving and being asked for forgiveness in this scenario (maybe the greater self?)
I can’t help thinking about the relative vs absolute viewpoints concerning morality, sin, punishment and forgiveness. On a relative basis there is a sinner who must suffer the consequences/punishment and a victim who may forgive, but on an absolute basis there are no individuals or free will. The best I could come up with is that the sin is as real as the consequences, and right now the consequences are as real as hell (high degree of (apparent) suffering). Obviously the sin is past and it’s easier to see that there was no “real” (in an absolute sense) choice. But then the same logic should apply to the future consequences/ punishment and forgiveness – there is no choice, they have to happen whether in this lifetime or another. I also see those same dynamics at play in the great dramas of history (war, atrocities, retribution, healing, nations rising and falling etc.)
I also reflected on the dynamic between sinner and victim. I’m not absolving wrongdoing here and sinners should (and will) suffer the consequences and punishment for their actions. But I think about my mother for example, who was abandoned by her father when she was ten and never saw him again. Well that understandably installed in her a victim complex, a fear of abandonment and a certain view of men (putting them on a pedestal, only to be disappointed). So she ends up marrying an angry unsympathetic man where she is the victim. And in a subtle way she abandons her children whilst placing the blame on others, so that she also plays the victim in that drama. I was a relatively minor victim in that drama, but it gave me enough fuel to act out in all sorts of ways. I also think about the first girlfriend I cheated on with prostitutes. When I met her she was in a serious relationship with a decent guy who wanted to marry her, but for whatever reason it wasn’t enough for her. I was attracted to her and didn’t care that she was already in another relationship, so I made my interest known. I was totally inappropriate for her and she must have known that, but cheating on him with me gave her the out she needed. She used to say that I was her punishment for leaving her boyfriend. And then I ended up cheating on her. I’m not denying that I was the sinner in the context of our relationship, but on some level she needed me to play that role as well.
I can’t help thinking about my wife as well. She is a Catholic and the most moral person I know, I don’t think she has every really sinned. I just wonder what she saw in me, a known player. I may be totally out of line here, but her father was a player and married his 25 year old secretary when he was 40. Her job included deceiving his multiple girlfriends with different alibis when they called. It’s a family joke: “she wasn’t the prettiest, but she was the smartest”. The brother was a big player as well and it was talked about openly around the dinner table in a sort of mock censorious fashion. Classic Italian Catholic stereotype I guess – fuck as many whores as you like but for God’s sake marry a virgin. So on some unconscious level I may have “fit the profile” for my wife. Again I’m not trying to excuse my behavior here. I take full responsibility for my behavior and if she ever found out (or I confessed) then I have no reason not to think that she would be mad as hell, her trust in me would be broken forever and she would leave me and take the kids and the money. But there have been some near misses which she seemed uncharacteristically willing to overlook and I can’t help speculating that on some level she “knows”. I hope I never have to find out, and yet the truth has a nasty habit of find its way to the surface eventually.
Anyway, enough of my stuff, back to phenomenology. There are still strong racking pains in the face, but the belly seems to be opening up a little and there are some powerful bursts of piti from down there which are starting to engulf me more fully. At a certain point my genitals seemed to get activated and there were some strong sexual thoughts, starting off with remembering past experiences but then with me “becoming” the female partner. Apologies if TMI here. At a certain point I decided to masturbate to attenuate the physical sensations. I seemed to have developed some kind of tantric masturbation practice, where the whole point is to delay orgasm for as long as possible by avoiding sexual thoughts and tightening the pelvic floor muscle just before orgasm. The pleasure just gets ridiculous and starts to spread out from the genitals until it encompasses the whole body in a wave of … you guessed it, piti. So yeah, right back into first jhana territory. It makes me realize that sex is actually a pretty pointless activity (apart from procreating), it’s just like you are using someone else’s body to masturbate with, which is a lot less convenient than doing it yourself. You might say I just haven’t had the right kind of sex (and you would be right) – loving union in a shared pursuit of the divine – but then we are heading right back into jhana again so why not take the direct route. If I ever interest my wife again it may happen, but if not it’s all good, I had my fill. And yes, the thought had occurred to me, maybe on some unconsciously level she is punishing me as well. [There’s a pretty good essay by Ken Wilber in Kundalini Rising which talks about psychological development and how the infant’s cosmic bliss gets concentrated into and “tyrannized” by the genitals.]
I’m kind of getting familiar with this kundalini dynamic of pain and bliss now which seems to be playing out in meditation. The pain needs to come out, it’s just the stored consequences of all the bad behavior. In a case like mine, obviously it can’t come out all at once without being totally overwhelming, so the body seems to know just how much pain it can safely release at a time whilst also allowing just enough bliss to keep you practicing. I was listening to Shinzen Young this morning and he referred to St Teresa of Avila and the angel (Chapter XXIX of her Life), which is just an incredible piece of writing and maybe on some small level what I am experiencing:
In his hands I saw a long golden spear and at the end of the iron tip I seemed to see a point of fire. With this he seemed to pierce my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails. When he drew it out, I thought he was drawing them out with it and he left me completely afire with a great love for God. The pain was so sharp that it made me utter several moans; and so excessive was the sweetness caused me by this intense pain that one can never wish to lose it, nor will one's soul be content with anything less than God. It is not bodily pain, but spiritual, though the body has a share in it – indeed, a great share. So sweet are the colloquies of love which pass between the soul and God that if anyone thinks I am lying I beseech God, in His goodness, to give him the same experience.
During the days that this continued, I went about as if in a stupor. I had no wish to see or speak with anyone, but only to hug my pain, which caused me greater bliss than any that can come from the whole of creation. I was like this on several occasions, when the Lord was pleased to send me these raptures, and so deep were they that, even when I was with other people, I could not resist them; so, greatly to my distress, they began to be talked about.
So yeah, in God language my experience right now might go something like this: “O Lord, in my ignorance I have sinned and strayed from your path. Please allow me to suffer for my sins so that through your grace I might know thy all-encompassing love more fully”. Somewhere beyond all this melodrama lies equanimity I suppose, but for now this is just what it is.