Hello and welcome!

I am a 21 yo student from Moscow, Russia.
I am pre-SE pre-A&P practitioner. My overall meditation time is approximately 300 hours (as of April 2020).
I study a lot of mathematics, statistics, computer science, data science, and machine learning. Currently finishing my BS in maths, planning to enter the MS program in data science, and then do research in the field of Artificial Intelligence. I have been more or less regularly meditating since May 2018. However, this was not very diligent – 20-30 minutes 5-6 times every week. I was simply following the breath. Nevertheless, it had a positive influence on my life and psychological welfare. On the 31st of January this year I decided to make things more serious and since then I practice two times daily for half an hour. At first my practice was filled with dullness, but since the 8th of March I practice shooting aliens aloud, as kindly advised by Papa Che Dusko. I plan to keep doing it for several months, then maybe try fire kasina. I am a vegetarian. My approach to Enlightenment is secular.
I visited 10 days Goenka retreat in June 2019.

Just finished my evening session. It was weird. The whole day was weird - I was almost constantly investigating Cause&Effect and Mind&Body. And while I was not investigating, I was feeling tired because of many things I have to do for my institute classes.
Sometimes I felt weird tensions all over the body. I feel that my identity is changing and somehow dissolving. I am purprosely breaking things that I thought were me. I don't know who I am. I am afraid that I think about vibrations most of the time.

Speaking about this evening session - I concentrated on breathing. At some point my imagination showed me my body being fiercely cut, my head being penetrated by some arrows and needles. It was not painful, I did let it happen and be there. When my mother sneezed in another room, my body started to shake, I felt horror of not having a face (strange feeling, it passed quickly) and fell of my cushion. Then, in the end of the session, there was feeling of nothingness. Like nothing is happening - no mindfulness, no awareness, no mind, no thoughts. I don't remember whether I was aware of the breathing. Maybe I just was sleepy, but I don't know.

When music starts to play (oh, it often does - melody from the Saw horror movie that I watched more than 4 years ago) I just invite it to join my meditation.

In the morning, before main meditation practice, I currently do dome preliminary practices inspired by Satipatthana sutta. Namely, I reflect on where I currently located (home, city, country, planet, galaxy, Universe), I reflect on all good thongs I have and many other people do not (healthy body, access to food and clean water, possibility to earn money and get an education) and I wish everyone to be in as good position I am or better. I reflect on the possibility that I will get old and die. I reflect on the possibility of losing everything I have. I reflect on liquids in my body (blood, saliva etc.) and on parts of my body (I have legs, trunc, head, arms, etc.)

Then I do 4-parts process that is described in TMI - concentrate on sounds and general feeling of the body resting in space, then move my attention to the body (sensations of sitting, sensations on my fingers, on my face...) then move to the breath in general, then to the moving of the abdomen.

Today I did metta meditation. It all went easy and well - I recited the following verse which I saw in Path with Heart:
May I be filled with loving-kindness
May I be peaceful and at ease
My I be happy. May I be well.
Images of kittens, puppies and laughing babies were occasionally arising. This verse is an easy object of concentraion for me. There were almost no hindrances or distraction - just this soft warm feeling of loving-kindness towars myself. I believe this practice is beneficial for me, especially taking into account how weird my vipassana can get (see previous post).

Hi and welcome to DhO comminuty.

If indeed you have been experiencing only hindrances during your last 1 year of meditation I would say, find a method that fits your analitical mind and helps with destroying hindrances (note; Im not stating "keep hindrances at bay") so you can do actual work of a scientist and actully observe what "your reality is made off".

Im assuming that Noting meditation is of interest to you as you haave already gone to Goenka retreat, hence me suggesting a Noting technique that will help destroy hindraces and aid you in actually doing noting work for those 30 minutes. When off the cushion get lost in hindrances if you will BUT when on the cushion we really really do an honest practice and to do that we need tools that work for us personally best. We are all unike in experience and reactivity.

I will link you to Kenneth Folk's video explaining how to do Freestyle Noting Aloud. This Aloud part is VERY importnat to keep you in the Present experience. We dont want to Contemplate during Noting practice at all. Contemplate later after the meditation. While practicing we ONLY Note (label) all what is happening.

Try and see if this video of his is of any interest to you. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-58IoZMNss

Evening session - 30 min.
I feel that I have died about 20 minutes before meditation, while taking a shower and reflecting on what does it mean to be me, and then during the meditation, too.
I wanted to explore mantra and recited Om mane padme hum, but after some time I could not do that, because there was no one to recite. It was just the dark void, I was staring at it and I was it - the void, the death. Since there was no one to maintain the position of the body, it fell of the cushion and remained in an uncomfortable position for a while. Then it managed somehow to sit again properly, and till the end of the session there was just awareness on non-awareness, of no one being there, of darkness and void. And also some pictures of tortured bodies appeared.
I do not know who is typing this now.

Maybe I am just being neurotic and making the whole thing up, I really don't know. A week ago there was nothing similar to this. I feel lonely and need support.

Thank you for your attention and advice. I'll try it tomorrow. In fact, maybe I would like to explore jhanas more, but it is somehow hard to notice breath anywhere in the body - when I notice the breath, I actually notice its sound. Maybe I should try mantra or kasina?

Morning meditation - 30 min
When I woke up, I had bad mood because of yesterday experience.
I did practice of noticing whatever happens aloud. It was not disturbing or unpleasant - which it very good. While I was noticing, cycles such as "noize - swallowing saliva - breathing in - breathing out - straightening back" and "doubt - disgust - fear - lack of understanding - thoughtlessness" were repeating quite often. The second cycle is actually about those demons I encountered yesterday evening, but now, when it is not dark outside, the demons are not that scary.

Evening session. I was using noting aloud again. This session was full of tranquility, pleasant body vibrations, feeling of lightness, silence in the mind, and freedom. I encountered no hindrances. All factors of enlightenment were present, I noted them. It was very interesting to look how attention freely travels in the body and feelings. I even had a burst of rapture (1st jhana?) which lasted for about 1 minute (never been able to maintain this state for longer), and then there was tranquility again. No music, no unpleasant thoughts this time.

I am currently reading "A Path with Heart", and it is very inspiring and deeply moving book. It motivates me to gently investigate myself, and, however, I encounter unpleasant truths about how selfish, tired, and lonely I am, I feel equanimous and welcome all insights I get. I start seeing that I've been living mostly according some narratives, and that the life free from artificial borders is possible. I am also rethinking my goals of spiritual path, because I understood that part of my motivation to meditate was due to maintain a self-image of a virtuous special unique better-than-others guy. My true goal is, in fact, to reduce suffering around me, be beneficial, kind, soft and compassionate towards those who are around. I want the world to be more ethical, I want to participate in solving its problems. And I start from within.

Yes indeed you start from within

Seems like Noting worked well with you and kept hindrances away by immediatelly seeing them (noting them) in the present moment. Well done for trying it out.

I can not decide for you if Jhana or Mantra or Kasina or Noting or Calm Abiding would be best for you but I do think sticking to one practice for at least 6 month would be of greater benefit than to jump from one to the next afte short periods.

Jhana and Mahasi Noting have different perspectives in a way, Mahasi Noting is dealing with constant flickering of the arising and passing objects while Jhana is much about Solidifying one object and then observing what happens to it. If you do Jhana then it might be hard to do the Mahasi Noting and vice versa.

Jhana, Mantra and Kasina fall into a Samatha side of the practice and Noting (Mahasi or Goenka) falls into the Vipassana category where Khanika Samadhi (momentary concentration) is all you really need to do it.

Some might say that those with certain issues like psychosis could benefit from Calm-Abiding (Tibetan Shamatha) for a while "breathing in, calming the entire body, breathing out, calming the entire body" and when one enters the Arising & Passing stage maybe switch to Mahasi Noting as this stage really can kick the objects hyper fast and the stage feels rather cool and over all positive, pleasant.

This would inevitably lead into the Dark Night stages all from Dissolution to Re-Observation and here things might get rather bumpy, unpleasant but Noting here works like charm.

I know for sure that one can work its way from Mind Body, Cause and Effect, 3C's and into A&P teritory with gentle Calm-Abiding by "breathing in calming the entire body, breathing out, calming the entire body (here awareness of the body is naturally happening)" Sure it is much easier to get lost in hindrances when doing such relaxed practice but hey its all a balancing act in a way.


See how it goes. No reason to make a wreck out of your life and go into he direction of "destroying your Ego" Let Ego do its thing and you do Noting (or whatever practice you choose). Ego is there to serve this mamalian body, the human we are. Ego is not the issue here

Morning meditation. Did my Satipatthana-inspired reflections as usual, then did noting aloud. This time nothing special happened, the attention was just freely moving over information from sensory inputs and feelings. This time equanimity and tranquility were prevalent. When attention moved to the mind, there was just clarity - with no unusual special things going on, and I let myself perceive this nothingness-clarity.

Daily thoughts:
It is not bad to live with stories, it is bad to cling to them and refuse to change your story if it does not fit the real world.
My mother shouted at me in my childhood because I often had sad face, no friends and not straight back.
I do not have strong opinions about things.When the mind is tired and short, it feels like the mind is swimming in some very thick liquid. Also, the mind often repeats the same thoughts several times, as if chewing them as gum.
Now, as my awareness develops, I see with increasing clarity how many emotions are there in my mind: happiness because of seeing an old friend, beauty of raindrops, taste of buckwheat (yes, buckwheat seems very tasty), inspiration and hope for the better future, mindful optimism for the humanity. It also seems that in order to free myself from dukkha, I have to really connect to it and experience it with my open heart, too. I see how I often feel tired, lonely, and sad, because I cannot study things that I feel are important, and also cannot properly study things that I have to study due to lack of time. I observe joys and sorrows of my life and try to develop equanimity.

Evening meditation. Doing noting aloud again. At the beginning it was lightness, freedom, smiling, tranquility, as in the previous sessions. Then I had an interesting time investigating yawning and sleepiness. I got quite tired during the day. Noting aloud really helps staying in the moment and keeping preaciting even if the mind and body are tired and sleepy. At some point I decided to stand up. It was like a beautiful dance of tiredness and mindfulness. Some pictures and thoughts about daily life arose once or twice, but they quickly went away after I noticed them. Oh, and vibrations of the fingers were lovely, too.

When I reflected on my place in the Universe and visualized our Earth as small and fragile blue-green sphere in vast cosmos, I almost had tears because of strong feeling of metta towards this precious miracle - life, and a strong wish for life to maintain in this Universe forever.

During noting aloud part everything was okay. I am gaining trust in this practice. It seems like a funny game, actually. Even when I feel tiredness, I immediately notice it, do some deep breaths, do some small movements, easily invigorate myself, and mindfulness does not go away, as it usually happened before doing this practice. Also, sometimes my attention starts exploring the visual field. I had no idea what a beautiful and dynamic picture there is when the eyes are closed. Always changing mixture of red, light-brown, grey, green, blue and violet colors is fascinating. I feel acceptance and equanimity for the fact that all I experience is mere reality, without altered states of consciousness.

Several thoughts and images from daily life visited me couple of times, but they caused no trouble at all. I accepted them, noticed them, they went away.

"Vibrations in the fingers" yes, body sensations can be associated with feelings/mind states. Cause and Effect, mind-body interaction. 

There really is something wonderfuly liberating in this applied Profound Mindfulness. 
I find that in silent meditation hindrances can slip in easier than in Noting Aloud. 

and yes, the mind can be very repetitive almost like a broken CD that's jumping in one spot  
In such case note it and see if some feeling (pleasant, unpleasant, neutral) is present and also a body sensation. 

basically try to cultivate Curiosity (like a scientist) and investigate all that might be there in that momentary experience/flow. 

Evening session, noting aloud, nothing special. I gave shorter labels ("touching" instead of "leg touching leg", "hearing" instead of "hearing the noise of the car") and it seems that attention started moving faster. "Curiosity", "wish to do good" were main feelings. This time that clarity-nothingness did not come, because the mind was energetic and always noticing something. I often smiled and laughed a bit. High-pitch sound in the ears was beautiful.

During the day I kept noticing that my visual field has slightly changed - I keep seeing after-images of objects and very subtle noise which is usually visible only when the eyes are closed

Curiosity is surely there. What other resources about this technique would you recommend besides that short video? Are yout using it now, too?
Is it true that on the cushion a person is not supposed to deliberately reflect on 3C, but supposed to just carefully experience whatever is there manifesting itself?

Noting is getting faster, level of energy is increasing. This time I mostly noted bodily sensations, because there are so many of them and they are so rich and very pleasant. Also the mind at some point started showing to me some pictures of places I often visit, and it was easy just quickly note them and not get caught in their content. In addition I enjoyed how once there was itching sensation present in two places of the body, and attention rapidly flickered between them.

This time I did not reflect on how well I was doing my practice during the practice, because the mind was very busy with noting, and there was no time to think and reflect.

On the cushion is best to just keep Noting. All other narrative is noted as Thinking. 

That being said it's good to have discernment. For example;
Itching, itching, sharp itch, unpleasant, itching, area of the itch becoming wider, itch area not as sharp, itchy vibration, neither pleasant or unpleasant, itch gone, itching again, itching not sharp, area of itch getting wider, smaller ... whatever is actually happening.

Basically one keeps noticing changes in the itch while noting. No need to stop noting and go into a narrative "oh, this itch has no-self, and it's suffering and is impermanent"

As you keep at it, just noting, you will notice changes naturally without actually stopping the process of noting. 

Most important aspect is to keep noting sensation a without breaking the stream of noting. 
Body sensations, mind states, feelings. 

yes, keep using short Labels; itching, coolness, stiffness, pressure, touching, 
pleasant, unpleasant, neutral
worrying, anticipating, gladness, relaxation, 
hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting
imagining, thinking, restlessness, ...

This one was so powerful. Sensations are so rich. Vibrations of fingers seem an endless source of joy. There are boundless possibilities for exploration. I was sitting on a chair with my hands on my thighs. The warms of my palms was also distinct and exciting, so as feet touching the floor and bottom touching chair. Speaking about the mind, I felt stability, power, speed, trust, diligence.

Approximately in the middle of the session my joy went so much beyond anything I could imagine that for a minute I could not note things aloud and was just sitting and uttering some nonsensical sounds. Nevertheless, the equanimity and tranquility showed themselves, and I could continue, but a bit slower (1 note per second). I felt fully absorbed in the practice. It was effortless. There were no hindrances at all. Several times my imagination showed me some simple moving geometrical structures, but, as I noticed them, they vanished quickly. I lost sense of time.

The feeling of beauty was also strong. I keep exploring the visual field under closed eyes. The main visible colors are light gray, brown, sometimes blue, violet, green, yellow, orange, red. It seems like the whole rainbow is there.

Tiredness in the back was a huge problem for me about a year ago. Now when it comes, it feels very pleasant, light, vibrating and interesting. I welcome it as an old friend.

I fully accept this joy with equanimity. The joy is surely not the goal of the practice, it is a nice side effect.

Some thoughts came to me during the day:

One who thinks Dhamma is the only true teaching does not understand Dhamma.

I feel that I am getting more connected to this life. Now I feel more being a piece of meat moving through space and time than disembodied mind solving mathematical problems.

Today I tried to imagine what a world would look like to someone who was terminally ill, but recently fully recovered. Well, I did not succeed much, because fortunately I have no experience of seeing death close. But the idea, I think, is the following: there is a lot of happiness can be found in such simple things as seeing the sun and the sky, being able to walk, meet and talk with family members every day, have an opportunity to study. If happiness is anywhere to be found, it is right now, in the moment. Not next month, when I will pass my exams and tests in the institute, not in the summer, when I will have more time for rest and studying Dhamma, not after 5 years, when I will hopefully live not in Russia. Now.

This time I decided to note in English, because English labels are shorter (in Russian "itching" is "pochesyvanie", "touch" is "kasanie"). The practice was neither too fast, nor too slow. Not too little energy, not too much. There was some feeling of boredom, tiredness and monotonicity, because attention shifts between legs touching the floor, bottom touching the chair, hands touching thighs, hearing, visual field.

At the beginning there was some joy and pleasantness, but, as time went by, feeling of monotonicity came. I noticed it, too.

Experience during the day:
I am developing a habit - when having a thought which starts as "I..." I ask myself questions "Who? Who is that I? Who is talking to whom? Who is thinking this?" Today I had a clear experience that there is just bunch of thoughts fooling themselves somehow to think that they are generated by someone, that they form stable self. It seemed like a soft ego death - I had muscle tensions all over the body, subtle feeling of fear, all inner voices were silent, except one that kept repeating ohhh... ohhh... There were people around, and I think I looked weird, staring at nothing, mumbling and twitching. I let myself relax and receive whatever was coming, so it did not feel unpleasant. Then the feeling of being a person came back, but it is clearer now that it is a lie.

During the evening session:
It was pleasant, but not overwhelmingly pleasant. Tried to use simpler, one-two-syllable notes: touch, yawn, swallow, itch, image, thought, joy, tired, hear, smile, stable. I think that I need some more theoretical background on this technique. Maybe I will try to read what Shinzen Young or Kenneth Folk wrote about it. There seem to be great potential in it, and I need good understanding of what other people wrote about it.

When I note "seeing, seeing," at times I see my own nose (not sharp as its so close and only seeing its side) and the sense of the eyes seeing it. A question would arise " who is watching ..." but I try not to give it an answer, I just sit with this question until it passes away and something else arises in its stead.

I know both Shinzen and Kenneth have videos on you tube explaining Noting and how to do it but not sure if they have vodeos on self-inguiry other than it being Kenneths 2nd Gear in its 3 Transmisson Method (1st is Noting, 2nd Who am I, 3rd Total Surrender).

So what you did would be considered 2nd Gear in Kenneth's model "Who am I" or "who is seeing, who is thinking, who is feeling ..." you are looking at the supposed Knower or Doer of this sensate experience.

Its a good thing. But its also good not to loose the Noting Stream and have this self-inquiry as part of the Noting activity, being mindfull of all that is arising in every moment like you did by Noting body tension, feeling of fear, relaxing, acceptance, mumbling, twitching ...

I've read these three posts
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/yogi-toolbox-fast-noting.html?m=1
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/02/yogi-toolbox-detailed-noting.html?m=1
http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/yogi-toolbox-noting-part-1-nicks.html?m=1

Seems like I am actually doing shooting aliens. This session I noticed and noted mostly physical sensations (sitting, thumbs touching each other, hands touching each other, hands touching legs, legs touching legs, legs touching the floor). It was somewhat confusing to note them all with the same label, so I decided to be a bit more precise and slightly slower for making longer labels.
In the end mind got tired and started showing images of placess and memories, I noted them, too.

So, overall, the session was like
touch, touch, calm, touch, touch, interest, touch, yawn, calm, interest, yawn, tired, acceptance, image, tired, image, calm, interest, image, image.

Evening session went similar to morning one. At first attention was dancing between vibrations on hands, sitting, legs touching each other, then there was tiredness, yawning (it is funny noting yawning aloud while yawning), then imagination started showing some pictures which I quickly noted.
Sometimes attention did not want to move and just rested on my hands. I try neither to force it to move nor to stay, just let it move whenever it wants.
Maybe after some days or weeks I will switch to silent noting, because part of attention that could be used to notice sensation is used to pronounce a label.

Morning session.
It went easy and smooth. No worries about what attention rests on and for how long. I forgot that I was someone and just noted whatever was there with playful attitude. Nothing special or extraordinary.

Evening session.
I decided to start a bit earlier today so that I would be more alert. At the beginning it all went as usual, I was playfully noting whatever was in focus of attention. Then there was a short period during which I felt vibrations all over the body, my voice was trembling, visual field was vibrating (not in the usual sense, but somehow differently), my whole feeling of being observer was vibrating. Then interesting thing started happen to pictures that were sometimes arising in imagination. They stopped making any sense. Imagination stopped caring whether or not there were any distinguishable objects – what appeared was similar to Kandinsky paintings. I was perceiving some raw random brain activity. By far it was all pleasant. It seemed that if I was not noting aloud, I could perceive about 10 vibrations per second. Attention mostly was focused on sensation of my bottom touching the cushion. In the end of the session suddenly feelings of sadness, insecurity, confusion and disgust arose. All joy abruptly stopped. However, I easily felt well again after finishing. Maybe that was a glimpse of DN?
It is amazing how this session gradually evolved and changed. I treated everything with acceptance and equanimity.

Morning session
I decided to do some exercises before meditation. Therefore, during the session feelings of hunger and body tiredness were prevalent. I maintained a playful and joyful attitude and observed these sensations with clarity. Although, instability of the posture due to muscle tiredness did not allow to reach deep concentration. Anyway, I kept smiling and noting, without identifying with this body tiredness and hunger. These sensations seemed pleasant.

Daily observation
I have noticed that now I wake up from sleep in the morning with a smile on my face.

Evening session
At first, I just observed body sensations with fun, joy, and equanimity. Then, as concentration gradually increased, small ego death happened – there was tension all over the body, the body started shaking and moving abruptly. I could not note anything, although I tried, and could only mumble because it was clear that there was no observer, no one to make notes. Then it faded away, I started noting again and moved to the state of ecstatic bliss and joy.
Nonsensical pictures arose from imagination, which were, like yesterday, more like raw random brain activity that pictures.

Morning session
As usual, at first I reflected on my physical place in the Universe, on my good life conditions, on liquids of my body, on old age and death.
Then I started noting body sensations. As time went by, I got very concentrated and absorbed in practice, the mind became totally clear and silent, and intense bliss, joy, and rapture arose. I had no idea that it is even possible to experience such strong rapture. There were intense waves of goosebumps all over the body. However, I did not get lost in the content of these feelings and kept noting them until they subsided a little. In the last part I just felt peaceful, stable, present, clear, concentrated.
Sometimes memories and images arose, I noted them and whether they were pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. As I noted them, they quickly went away.
It is funny to notice that my voice tone distinctly changed at least 3 times during the session.
I wonder, was that piti or some kind of jhana?

Evening session
This one was filled with sleepiness. It seems like I got pretty tired during the day, because of extensive math studying. Sleepiness was funny, I noted it, but there clearly was no strong concentration or mindfulness. I fully accept this. A good meditation is a meditation that is done, so this was a good one. I realize how important it is not to crave for joyful altered states. The goal is just to perceive with clarity whatever arises.

Yes energy can change with stages and the voice can go from slow to fast, deep to bright, joyful to disgusted etc . 
Its a fun indicator of a shift taking place. It causes a curious attitude which is motivating in my experience. Nothing to think about or go to much into. 
it's like feeling hot summer heat and then suddenly a cool breeze. 

18th Marth, 2020

Morning session 8:00-8:40
Reflected on my place in the Universe, my good life conditions, possibility of old age and death, on body parts and liquids.Then I did 6 parts preparation for the meditation as described in TMI. And then, as I started shooting aliens aloud, strong intense drowsiness arose. The whole session was crazy dancing of my body and drowsiness. I could not maintain my back straight, so I kept almost falling off the cushion and touching the floor with my head. Then I decided to stand up and could not stand properly – my legs and back could not keep stable for a moment. I opened my eyes, that did not help.It was a bit hard to note things, because the mind was full of drowsiness, too, but I kept trying. At first, I was surprised by what was happening (I had a nice 8 hours sleep), but then I just let my body do whatever it wants. After all, every experience has 3C in it, so I noted sleepy, sleepy, sleepy… The funniest thing is when my body decided to lie down and put its head on the cushion. There were many body movements, and I did my best (given the sleepy mind) to note them, too. This was fun and humorous.

Walking meditation in the forest
I have often encountered very pleasant and healing alternate states of consciousness when I visited the forest, and this time is not an exception. At the beginning I concentrated on my steps and breathing, and very soon the mind became calm and silent, intense joy arose. I was not identifying myself with anything, I was just looking around, walking and being fully present. I love forests because they remind us who we are and where we come from. Nature is our home, and we are clever animals. The forest seemed very alive. I immersed myself in perceiving beauty around me. The trees, the birds, the sun, the clouds. It was so very real, so very alive. And I felt alive, too, being one of the numerous children of Earth.Yesterday I encountered beautiful calligraphies of Thich Nhat Nanh. One of them stroke me most – it says “I vow to live each moment fully”. I surely cannot make this vow right now, because I am still quite untrained in mindfulness, but while walking in the forest today I tried to live each moment fully. The present moment is beautiful. And one does not necessarily need to go to the forest to experience it. Happiness, calmness and peace can be found anytime.

Evening session 22:30-23:00
Shooting aliens aloud, as usual. Before the start I did 6 step preparation from TMI – it seems a useful thing, I’ll stick to it. During the session everything went smooth, I noted sensations of the body, occasional memories, feelings of calmness and relaxation. Somewhere around the middle a sense of rapture started to grow, but I noticed a slight craving for it, and rapture subsided, so I continued to note, as usual, alert, present, and energetic.

19th of March, 2020

Morning session
reflecting on my place in the Universe
reflecting on my good life conditions
reflecting on the possibility of old age and death
6-phase preparation as described in TMI
just feeling the body resting in space for a while
shooting aliens aloud – it all went smooth and easy, without altered states of consciousness. I decided to pay more attention to the straightness of my back this time, and it was often not straight, so I straightened it. There were almost as many moments of being aware of arising memories and images as of body sensations. Also it often happened that the mind became totally still and silent, and I was “just sitting” in some Zen style, but I kept noting anyway.

Evening session
6-phase preparation as described in TMI
just feeling the body resting in space for a while
shooting aliens aloud – no altered states again, just ordinary feelings of sitting, vibrations in hands, legs touching the floor and each other. Memories were arising, ranging from things that happened 15 years ago to things that happened today. I noted them all, did not get caught in any. I felt ease, calmness, balance.

Dharma reading
Chapter 15 in Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield, Chapter 2 in The Noble Eightfold Path by Bhikkhu Bodhi.

General notes about the day
I stayed at home (my job and institute are closed due to the coronavirus), did some sport, studied statistics for 4.5 hours, history of mathematics for 1.5 hours.

20th March 2020

Morning session 7:55-8:40
usual preliminary practices
shooting aliens aloud – smooth and easy. Sit, sit, sit, memory, memory, pleasant, touch, touch, touch, hands, hands, hands. I think I am starting to see the limitations of this technique – certain cognitive power is required to produce a label aloud, and it does not allow to notice and note subtle sensations and be fully aware of them and reach deep concentration. Basically there are no more than ten distinct labels that I use, which is surely less than the range of sensations that happen during the practice.

Forest meditation
I visited the forest again. I did not aim at achieving any altered states, I just wanted to have some rest. I felt peaceful and relaxed. While walking, I was pondering on 3C and 4 Noble Truths. The way I currently understand the dukkha is as follows: by default our minds function in such a way that it can experience suffering in any situation, because the evolution did not care about producing animals that are always happy. Mechanisms of craving and aversion are old, and they helped us survive in the past. The point of Dhamma is that these mechanisms can be deconstructed through diligent training of the mind.
Also, I accidentally experienced the disappearance of the observer in the head and non-identification with anything. As usual, my muscles started straining, it was a bit unexpected and surprising. I had to sit on a nearby bench because my gait became very strange.

General notes about the day
I spent 6 hours doing my homework assignment on statistics.

Dharma reading
No Dharma reading today, unfortunately. Statistics ate up all the time.

Evening session
Doubt, boredom, and drowsiness were present. Labeling aloud is a limited technique because labeling a sensation interferes with actually experiencing it. Pronouncing a note is surely longer than making a mental note, so there are delays between experiencing and labeling.

21st March 2020

Morning session 7:55-8:40
usual preliminary practices
shooting aliens silently
I decided to give a try to the usual silent way of noticing. Sloth&torpor were present, mindfulness, energy and concentration were rather weak. The back got tired, and my posture was unstable. Well, it all comes and goes – and the quality of meditation is not an exception. The experience was not as sharp and memorable as with the aloud version. I cannot even remember what labels were the most frequent.

Evening session 21:30-22:00
Reflecting on the situation with my practice I understood that an important obstacle is the tiredness of my back muscles. It is difficult for my body to sit for long because those muscles are not well developed. Therefore, I think it is a good idea to focus on this problem and in the problem of developing awareness of the body in general because I have a problem with slouching. So, during this session I just stood naked in front of a mirror in an upright position. This was a very interesting experience. It went easier than I thought.

Dharma reading
Chapter 17, A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield.

General notes about the day
Did some sports in the morning, did not go outside, spent 3.5 hours on studying Statistics.

22 March 2020

Morning session 7:45-8:20
usual preliminary practices
standing meditation, focusing on the sensations in my back
This is in fact a combination of meditation and physical training. My undeveloped back is a fairly neglected problem because I feel unpleasant about it and prefer not to think about it, which is obviously a counterproductive thought pattern. During the session joy and pleasure arose, then they subsided and gave place to tranquility and equanimity. At the beginning I was not aiming to do noting, but it happened anyway somehow naturally. When a thought or memory arose, I noted them just out of habit. Also, to be honest, there was a bit of sloth&torpor, but when I started noting more actively, it went away.

Evening session 22:30-23:00
Just standing in an upright position for 30 minutes, contemplating sensations in the back. This was tough. It is exactly what my first Goenka retreat was full of – a tiredness of the back muscles. I think that I have to make my way through this to make further progress possible.

General notes about the day
I stayed at home, studied statistics. No Dharma reading – statistics ate all the time.

Yes. Labeling is taking too long time but is a fantastic tool to keep us on the track and get rid of Hindrances fast. 

Ingram, Kenneth Folk, Shinzen and many more teaching this stuff will agree that Noting/Labeling is by far the most important tool we have to get through the stages of Insight and get the 1st Path. 

Sure some folks do it easier with Jhana while others do it easier with Noting/Labeling. 

Labeling indeed has only dozen words you can create more if you want but it's not necessary. 
You don't even need to Label/Note as all is necessary is to NOTICE , pay Attention to, without getting lost in narrative/hindrances. This can be difficult as we all know. Hence we keep Labeling. 

Trust me once you hit A&P the Noting/Labeling will speed up a lot  

If I'm to map your experience so far I would say 3 C's are where at the moment. Sudden memories about past are likely Cause and Effect.

It is very important to hit that A&P so you don't get stuck in the early stages for too long. It's nice to feel your practice get on fire once in A&P This is where the show starts. 

Depending on what you want from this practice, but if it is attaining to Stream Entry then keep Noting/Labeling as it really is a bullet proof way forward. Hindrances are what we want to cut down and stay with the stream of consciousness as best as we can. One sensation a second is all you need. Yes, this might feel slow but it works. Get interested in that itch or that back pain; unpleasant, sharp, dull, pulsating, stiff, sense the area, how large is it, does it vibrate, does it change intensity, is it worse on the inbreath or out breath etc. Itch is another great object, very potent. 

23 March 2020

Morning session 8:05-8:50
usual preliminary practices
standing meditation, focusing on the sensations in my back
I deliberately looked for the most unpleasant and painful place in my back. All of a sudden something happened – like I got the joke. I understood on the level of experience that the unpleasantness of the sensation is not the quality of the sensation – it is generated my mind. Dukkha is generated my mind. Sensations are just sensations. It was so funny that I laughed for about half a minute. Then there was tranquility and acceptance. All unpleasantness went away entirely. It was a liberating experience. I think, it is best described as the realization of the selflessness of the skandha of perception.
I probably need to see the physician because even if I try my best, I slouch.

Evening session 22:10-22:40
standing meditation, focusing on the sensations in my back
It seems like tiredness in the back will not be a problem for me now since I realized that unpleasantness is generated by the mind.
Phase 0: entering access concentration
Phase 1: I started smiling, pleasant calmness and joy arose
Phase 2: Joy subsided, the mind became equanimous and silent
Phase 3: I started experiencing the dissolving of the feeling of self, and usual body twitchings and weird movements that accomplish this dissolving arose. It seems that the body is afraid to realize that there is no one sitting in the head and making commands. There was some strange feeling of wishing to start intensely shaking or burst in all directions or make a backward somersault and fly away somewhere. I felt like there was some profound emptiness in front of “me”, some huge space, the mind was seeing this empty space and running away from it. Once I really started intensely shaking and fell off on the floor. The sensations were a bit hard to handle, but they weren’t unpleasant.
The goal of my practice is just to observe with clarity whatever arises, and I did that.

Dharma reading
Chapter III of The Noble Eightfold Path by Bhikkhu Bodhi

General notes about the day
I stayed at home, studied statistics and machine learning (had to finish my homework assignments).

24 March 2020

Morning session 8:20-9:00
usual preliminary practices
standing meditation, silent noting, anchoring with the breath

• Phase 0: entering access concentration
• Phase 1: I started smiling, pleasant calmness and joy arose
• Phase 2: Joy subsided, the mind became equanimous and silent
• Phase 3: Empty space in front of me
• This time I did not focus much on this empty space and mostly observed the breath, the back, and the feet. Each in- and out-breath seemed to have 5 distinct parts – intention in the mind to begin, the beginning itself, the middle, the end, the awareness of the end. Mostly I noticed only beginning-middle-end, but sometimes all 5. Between the breaths there was a pause, and during the pause I noticed the back of the feet. I noted in-back-out-back-in-feet-out… It is funny to say, but some sonata was playing in the mind, because yesterday in the evening I watched a video on youtube where it played, but this music did not distract me at all. Also, noting interferes with breathing. During this phase there was a faint smile on my face. This was different from the Phase 0 smile. Phase 0 was like a smile of a god under the rain of flowers, and this smile was like the smile of a mountain that knows that it is a mountain or the smile of the Buddha.
• Phase 4: Reflections and thoughts on 3C’s started to occur. I started observing 3C’s in the breath. The sense of the observer did not go away during this session, so I saw only anicca and a bit of dukkha. The question vividly arose in the mind Where is the observer? Why is there a feeling that there is one?

Tiredness in the back did not cause any problems.


Evening session 22:10-22:40
standing meditation, focusing on the sensations in my back
This was intense.

• Phase 0: entering access concentration
• Phase 1: I started smiling, pleasant calmness and joy arose
• Phase 2: Joy subsided, the mind became equanimous and silent
• Phase 3: It seemed like something was bursting me from the inside. Several times I started violently shaking some small noise. The mind was running somewhere. I wanted to shake, shout and run.
• Phase 4: Imagination started showing me some pictures of a vast dark valley with streams of lava and a giant creature with an evil smile who seemed to be the devil. I observed it for a while. It was miserable and disgusting.
• Phase 5: Imagination showed me a big white lotus flower opening. The devil vanished rapidly. Then there was Mother Mary with the Baby. She wore a white dress and was shining with love. Then she went away, and I was, well, a bit confused.

While all this weird stuff was going on there was a thought in my mind “Aren’t I making all these things up? Aren’t I just being neurotic?” It seems that there was a part of the mind that wanted to experience something weird, there was another part that generated weird fantasies, another part that was doubting, and another part that was aware of all these things.

Well, whatever. The goal is to observe and note. This time, I think, I got caught in fantasies. Sometimes I feel too obsessed about the stages of Enlightenment, think about them too much.

Dharma reading
Chapter IV of The Noble Eightfold Path by Bhikkhu Bodhi

General notes about the day
Stayed at home, studied machine learning and Fourier analysis.



25 March 2020

Morning session 7:50-8:30
usual preliminary practices
standing meditation, silent noting, anchoring with the breath
Tiredness in the back did not cause any problems.
The same pattern of distinct stages keeps occurring.

• Phase 0: entering access concentration
• Phase 1: I started smiling, pleasant calmness and joy arose. This time this stage was longer, because I spent a bit more time periodically looking in the mirror and adjusting my position.
• Phase 2: Joy subsided, the mind became equanimous and silent
• Phase 3: I wanted to shout, shake and burst in all directions. Again started intensely shaking because of small noises several times. I absolutely cannot smile during this phase.
• Phase 4: This time this stage was not so intense and weird, as yesterday. I noted all thoughts and images, they were not powerful today. It was like knives were cutting my body but without pain.
• Phase 5: It started about 5 seconds before the timer rang. There was a sudden relief from all those disgusting images and sensations. I felt light and calm, I finished with a smile.

Forest meditation
I just wanted to take some rest and did not specifically aim at meditating. I was just thinking about who I am and what patterns of thought I often execute. The nature was beautiful as usual.


Evening session 22:10-22:40
standing meditation, silent noting, anchoring with the breath
Tiredness in the back did not cause any problems.
The same pattern of distinct stages keeps occurring.

• Phase 0: entering access concentration
• Phase 1: I started smiling, pleasant calmness and joy arose.
• Phase 2: Joy subsided, the mind became equanimous and silent. I think that after a while I went back to Phase 1, and the second time it was intense and very pleasant.
• Phase 3: I wanted to shout, shake and burst in all directions. This time this phase was not intense.
• Phase 4: Imagination started showing knives cutting my body and other bloody and unpleasant pictures. I felt miserable. My hand hit my head and hip several times.

I get caught in fantasies that are generated by my imagination and fail to note them. The thought keep repeating: “I am imagining myself on some advanced stages because I have read too much about them and want to experience them as soon as possible”. This is confusing. And some piano music was playing all the time in my mind.


General notes about the day
I feel overwhelmed by the amount of material I have to study in my institute. Unfortunately, no Dharma reading today.

26 March 2020

Morning session 7:50-8:30
usual preliminary practice
first half – metta to myself, second half – concentration on itching and sensations in the back
I decided to do something easy, healing, and familiar. I recited a verbal formula aloud (May I be filled with loving-kindness, may I be free from suffering, etc.) The actual feeling of metta gradually arose, it was warm, soft, and pleasant. However, after some time itching and sensations in the back started to be strong and interfered with a concentration on metta feeling, so I switched my focus on them. It was easy to observe tiredness in the back. I stood upright and kept smiling.

Evening session 22:30-23:00
No stages this time. It went smooth and easy. I was determined not to get caught in fantasies and note whatever was there in the moment. I realized that the goal is to learn to stay with the moment, so I kept staying with the breath, noises, tiredness. I looked at how the mind creates a picture of an object that makes the noise.

General notes about the day
Stayed at home, studied. No Dharma reading.

27 March 2020

Morning session 7:50-8:30
This time I decided to investigate why I am aware of the breath and what exactly I am aware of when I think that I am aware of the breath. It turned out that I do not have any spot in the body at which I am looking.
I found the breath somewhere in the middle of my stomach and stayed with it. The breath was very arythmical. It was fast, and then it stopped, and then slow, and then fast, and so on.
I am aware of the conclusion “I am breathing” that my mind makes based on some body sensations I am unaware of. So I need to try to become aware of these sensations.
No altered states, so weird fantasies, just looking for the breathing.

Evening session 30 min
standing, slow noting aloud
I made 1 note per 1-2 seconds, focused on body sensations and pleasantness/unpleasantness. Occasionally, memories arose, I noted them, too. I got pretty tired during the day, and I noted the tiredness. No altered states, so weird fantasies, just ordinary experience.

Dharma reading
Chapter 18, A Path with Heart
Some posts at Kenneth Folk’s website.

General notes about the day
Stayed at home, studied mathematics hardly and intensely.

28 March 2020

Morning session 40 min
usual preliminary practice
standing, slow noting aloud, 1 note per 1-2 seconds
It was easy, I just was there with whatever arose. Tingling sensations, sounds, memories, back tiredness. Nothing special. I like such sessions.

Evening session 22:30-23:00
standing, slow noting aloud, 1 note per 1-2 seconds
Well, the same as the previous one. Tingling sensations, sounds, memories, back tiredness. Nothing special.

Forest meditation
I walked for about two hours and noted steps and breathing.

Dharma reading
I read 4 posts of Scott Alexander that are related to meditation and enlightenment. I think that now I have a more realistic picture of what I am doing.
https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/04/19/gupta-on-enlightenment/
https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/09/18/book-review-mastering-the-core-teachings-of-the-buddha/
https://slatestarcodex.com/2018/11/28/book-review-the-mind-illuminated/
https://slatestarcodex.com/2019/10/16/is-enlightenment-compatible-with-sex-scandals/

General notes about the day
I studied maths during the first half of the day, then got tired and decided to take rest.

29 March 2020
Morning session 30 min
standing, slow noting aloud, 1 note per 1-2 seconds
I made an important discovery. Each time I note a body sensation, my mind imagines the body part where this sensation is located. Same with sounds – the mind creates an image of what made the noise. During this session I started noting this, too. So now this time my labels were at least pairs: tingling-pleasant-imagining, noise-unpleasant-imagining. The longest and most interesting one was a tiredness in the back – unpleasant – wish to stop – imagining. All 5 skandhas, as far as I can see.
Memories and images arose more rarely than usual.

Evening session 30 min
standing, slow noting aloud, 1 note per 1-2 seconds
Nothing special, all went smooth. I noted feet touching the floor, pleasant interest tingling sensations in the fingers, tiredness in the back, occasional memories and pictures, and how mind recognizes and imagines a body part where the sensation comes from.

Dharma studying
Today I did not read anything, but watched several Shinzen Young videos, namely, 3 short videos on his website about what is self, enlightenment, why to meditate, his AMA video, and a video explaining kriyas. This is the first time I encounter information on this subject. I have experienced kriyas several times, and now I am glad to know that it is not an uncommon phenomenon.

General notes about the day
Stayed at home, reflected on my life, explored Dharma, did not do any maths.

30 March 2020

Morning session 30 min
standing, detailed noting
I was noticing and exploring itching, tingling, tiredness in the back. I notice almost every time that first there is the sensation, then there is the knowledge of it. Image of the body part where the sensation is taking place is not contained in the sensation – it is what the mind creates. Tingling sensations on the fingers of my left hand are especially rich and vibrating.Had #kriya_experience – approximately 5 minutes before the end I started intensely shaking, but it subsided after 10 seconds (I even accidentally hit my nose with a hand). Now, since I know what it is, it was funny to observe.

Evening session 30 min
See this thread

Dharma studies
Today was a lot of interesting stuff
https://vividness.live/2011/07/07/theravada-reinvents-meditation/amp/
Ñana and Jhana Mind Map Explained video by Daniel
The Arising and Passing Away, A Short Rant video by Daniel
Six common traps on the Path to Enlightenment Shinzen Young
The quickest way to Enlightenment Shinzen Young
The Yogi Toolbox: What should I do to get Stream Entry?
The Yogi Toolbox: Strong Determination - Making Resolutions for Stream Entry and Beyond



31 March 2020

Morning session 30 min
loving-kindness
I decided to heal myself a bit after an insane session yesterday evening. I recited the verse
May I be filled with loving-kindness
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
May I be well
The feeling of loving-kindness itself almost did not arise, I just got calmer and able to do something. There is still an unpleasant afterglow of yesterday's session. Before the loving-kindness I still wanted to shake, now I feel like a normal person again.

Evening session 30 min
I just did sitting anapana, focusing on the abdomen, without any bells and whistles. I was with the breath all the time to some degree. However, I got a bit sleepy by the end, and tiredness in the back was strong, too.

No Dharma studies today


1 Apr 2020
Morning session 1 hour
Guided online meditation - contemplation of 4 elements with Martin Aylward on sangha.live. It went smooth, easy, interesting, calming. Never done this kind of practice before.

Evening session 1 hour
Nalanda Institute’s Lunchtime Meditation. There were about 23 participants. Rachel Hammerman was the teacher – she emphasized the importance of feeling the community. We observed the present moment, the breath, the sensations. I had body jerks again, even though the practice was calm and gentle.

No Dharma studies today

3 April 2020
Morning session 1 hour, sitting on a cushion
Guided online meditation with Martin Aylward on sangha.live. I love the way he emphasizes being present here and experiencing whatever arises. I notice that recently I have instead been focusing on achieving and experiencing something special, I have been craving for nirvana. Martin’s calm voice and wise words are healing for me. At the early stages of the path one learns the most, as shargrol wrote in one of his posts.This session I was not forcing my mind to do anything, I just took rest and observed with clarity and equanimity, how still noisy and running my mind is, how still it is full of habitual patterns of desire, aversion, and delusion, how week my concentration skills are. No body jerks this time.
Dharma studies:
Chapter 19, A Path with Heart, Jack Kornfield.

4 April 2020
Morning session 30 min alone sitting on cushion
I did the contemplation on 4 elements:
5 min settling in, building momentum, feeling the presence in this breathing body5 min earth element – heaviness, density, pressure
5 min water – the flow of thoughts, of sensual experience 
5 min air – the spaciousness of the mind, where all of these happens, the space around me, the space between thoughts
5 min fire – the warmth, the energy of being alive, the life force, the dynamics
5 min just resting, letting go of any goals and desires, feeling the mental chatter, cultivating equanimity towards my current conditions
Since I have been listening to online guided meditations led by Martin Aylward for the past 3 days, his voice often appeared in my mind and guided me.
Evening session 
This is a very informal practice, but anyway I think it can bring benefit to me. I participate in zoom conference, where the goal is to develop an awareness of one’s emotions and share them with others (it is called “emotional check-in”). Other participants mostly talked about their tiredness, loneliness, lack of hope and purpose in life. Compassion and loving-kindness arose in me when I carefully listened to them. When there was my turn to describe my emotions, I started with expressing loving-kindness to them as I usually do during meditation (May you all be happy and free from suffering, may you be healthy and live with ease, etc.) I generally feel rather fine compared to other participants.
Dharma studies
https://youtu.be/u_6-NY2yA_k How do I know which kind of meditation is best for me? ~ Shinzen Young
Chapter 20, A Path with Heart, Jack Kornfield.
https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/aybrmi/practice_question_about_the_progress_of_insight/
https://youtu.be/64BBTV3FOc4 LATE NIGHT SITTING CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE ~ Shinzen Young
Several short videos on Kenneth Folk youtube channel

5 April 2020
Morning session 45 min sitting on the cushion
Preliminary practice – contemplation on my physical place in space and time, on the possibility of old age and death, on good living conditions.
Contemplation on 4 elements. During the water I got piti. This practice is more gentle and concentration-based than noting, and while practicing, a more intimate relationship to experience is built than during noting, as far as I can see.
Evening session 30 min sitting 
Contemplation on 4 elements. I was tired, concentration was poor, however, the experience still was interesting. My understanding of the elements becomes less and less conceptual.
Dharma study
https://youtu.be/G3u4JEEdK1Y Ask A Monk: Stages of Insight and the Sotapanna
https://youtu.be/g5D8d1S5PDM First Stage in Meditation: Understanding Body And Mind 

6 April 2020
Morning session 30 min 
Preliminary practice – contemplation on my physical place in space and time, on the possibility of old age and death, on good living conditions.
Contemplation on 4 elements. I was tired and had a low mood because there are so many things I have to do, so the concentration was poor, but I observed everything with clarity anyway.
Evening session 30 min standing 
Contemplation on 4 elements.During the first 5 minutes I focused on the rising and falling of the abdomen to build up a momentum of concentration. The practice went easy and interesting – 4 elements become clearer and clearer.Here is how I see them now: all experience happens in a vast space of consciousness, between all different experiences there is some space (air)all experience forms some sort of flow (water)the very existence of an experience, the space it occupies is the earthy aspectthe energy, speed, movement, life force of experience is fire aspect
Dharma study
https://youtu.be/cZ6cdIaUZCA "Do Nothing" Meditation ~ Shinzen Young
https://youtu.be/hnsDC7pchfQ Ask A Monk: Samatha Jhana, Vipassana Jhana

7 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing
Usual preliminary practice
Contemplation on 4 elements. This is a fairly easy and pleasant meditation for me. The first and last 5 minutes are shamatha, and the contemplation itself seems like vipassana because I can see that there is no any solid sensation, they all change all the time, nothing can be called “me” - it’s just 4 elements, and nothing is worth clinging to.
Evening session 30 min standing
Contemplation on 4 elements. I started a bit late, so I was sleepy. However, the session went pleasant, I felt very calm. It was like I was not meditating, but the meditation naturally unfolded itself on its own. This time I did not impose anything on experience and just perceived it, and the elements were easy to see.
Dharma study
https://youtu.be/5PajaN34xK8 Ask A Monk: How I Became a Buddhist Monk
https://youtu.be/StBTuX0tqU8 Noting, 1 of 2 Parts ~ Shinzen Young

8 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing
Noting aloud. So I decided that I took necessary rest from that horrible wild shaking session a week ago and ready to practice noting again. This time I was much slower (1 note every 2 seconds) and used gentle and calm voice, as Shinzen advised in his video. The session went smoothly and easy, with no kriyas and horrible fantasies. I noted hearing, touching, memories, hunger, tiredness in the back. This time I did not pay attention to emotions and pleasantness/unpleasantness.
Evening session 25 min standing
Noting aloud. This time many memories arose, I noted them but eventually got lost and tired, so I decided to finish earlier.

Today was my first session with a psychotherapist. I understood that there is a lot of personal stuff that I have to work through, and I cannot do it alone. Meditation opens one up to one’s life.
Dharma study
https://youtu.be/Yq95jZgijro Monk Radio: Psychedelic Drugs
https://youtu.be/KGcpzuHgrQk Noting, Part 2 of 2, Zooming ~ Shinzen Young
Compilation of Shargrol’s posts

9 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing
Noting aloud. Nothing special, smooth and easy, almost effortless. However, I often slouched. Evening session 30 min standingNoting aloud. Same as in the morning. I just know what to do and do it. The meditation is pleasant and calm. However, I still cannot hold my back upright all the time, so I slouch, become aware of it, slouch again, and so forth.
Dharma study
https://youtu.be/aCcsBtAo844 Shinzen Young: Benefits of Long-Term Meditation (excerpt) - Thinking Allowed w/ Jeffrey Mishlove
https://youtu.be/CNSBat65EtE Ask A Monk: Astral Projection
Compilation of Shargrol’s posts

10 April 2020
Morning session 30 min lying with eyes open
Noting aloud. I decided to try this posture because when I stand or sit, my posture is unstable due to the weakness of the back muscles. In this new posture there was slightly less clarity and concentration, yet the meditation felt effortless and easy. It feels like there are no hindrances because whatever arises just gets noted and works as a fuel for the practice.

Evening session 30 min standing
Noting aloud. The practice seems easy and effortless. Just being here in the
moment as a human. Nothing special.

Sloutching is very normal in the initial stages. Im going through it right now. I sit upright just to find myself sloutching again. Its ok. Up again and straighten up. Note the feeling you have about this, intention to straighten the back, body sensations asociated with the streching and on and on, noting goes.

Noting can be done in any posture; sitting, walking, standing, laying. All good.

Yes. That is the beauty of Noting Aloud. Hindrances are part of the Looping Game. It keeps the attention engaged rather constantly (well even this will be challenged by Anicca at some stage but this too is ok and part of this Map of Insights).

11 April 2020

Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
touch picture memory hear thought pressure move
These are my current labels. The practice goes easy and effortless with no hindrances, since whatever arises just gets noted.
This time I decided to trust my body a bit more and stand in a more natural and relaxed way. It was more comfortable, and I slouched less.

Evening session 30 min standing noting aloud
I decided not to do anything during the first 7 and last 5 minutes of the practice to make things more gradual. The mind was just wandering without much clarity, so it seems that it did not have any benefit.
The overall clarity was lower than usual – it seems like I need to meditate earlier in the evening.

Dharma studies
Shargrol’s posts


12 April 2020

Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
The sessions are quite similar to each other. I just stand and calmly note something every 1-2 seconds. I might call it freestyle noting, but I probably pay too little attention to emotions and focus on body sensations and thoughts. Also, there probably is a lack of noticing – I notice what I note but not much more.

This day I skipped the evening session because of extreme fatigue and exhaustion.


13 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
Nothing special to write about. Did the same thing as usual. Experienced extreme tiredness due to inhumane demands from work and institute.

Evening session 17 min lying down noting aloud -
I got too tired and sleepy due to high demands from the institute and job, so I finished earlier.
Dharma studies
Shargrol’s posts


14 April 2020
Morning session 30 min meta protocol by Mark Lippmann
I sat on a chair and thought about what was happening during my practice, what I usually do, what was good or bad, what can be done better.

Evening session 30 min standing noting aloud
Soft nice easy effortless gentle. I notice that meditation happens on its own at some point. Gradual immersion at the beginning and 5 minutes of doing nothing in the end seem to increase the quality. The calm voice also has much positive effect. The back did not bother me - I just accepted that I slouch and moved rarely, slightly and gently.
Dharma studies
Shargrol’s posts


15 April 2020

Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
There is surprisingly less aversion associated with my slouching back - I moved only a couple of times during this session, the tiredness is smaller and does not cause aversion, too. The labels were the same, except that I added "anticipating thought" "practice thought" "planning thought" - I ate a bit of food before the practice, to test whether it makes my concentration better or worse. It seems that it did not make it worse. The mind was a bit more alert, I think. - Also now I give rest to my back after the session and lie on the floor with books supporting my head for a while.
Evening session 30 min standing noting aloud
Before meditation I was ruminating on the nature of the subjective experience and seeking the observer. The thoughts seemed not me - just voices talking to each other about who could observe them. At some point Timon and Pumba appeared in my mind, and they were thinking about this problem, too. They realized that they were just one stream of thoughts and not some separate entities. They were upset that they were philosophical zombies existing only in someone else's consciousness.  The meditation went easy and smooth as usual. I noted the same things I usually note, so special feelings or emotions.
Dharma studies
Shargrol’s posts


16 April 2020

Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
Easy, joyful, and effortless. Whatever is in the focus of attention gets noticed and noted. No unpleasantness associated with the back - I only sometimes feel a slight pressure in the neck and поясницп and then move very gently, letting the body determine the good position for itself. - I use more detailed noting for thoughts - a practice thought, anticipating thought, planning thought. For images - sometimes it is abstract geometrical structure, sometimes the picture of my room, sometimes old memory, fresh memory. - I appreciate the last 5 minutes when I stop doing anything. It is such freedom - no need to be anyone, no need to do anything, just presence. - Sometimes I feel a pleasant flow of energy through my right hand and leg, even while not on meditation.

16 April 2020
Evening session 30 min standing noting aloud
I noticed very slight aversion and boredom at the beginning of the practice, I let them come, let them be, and let them go.
Nothing strange, just noting where my attention is in the moment, as usual. Calm and relaxed voice.

17 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
This time there were more "therapy thoughts" and "practice thoughts" than usual, I did not get caught in them and noted them as everything else. - I noticed that I do not notice the 3C - sensations seem very slightly vibrating (changing intensity) but yet pretty solid.
Evening session 30 min standing noting aloud
More slight aversion and boredom this time. Also I notice craving - for the tasty breakfast. These craving and aversion are interesting new objects, I do not identify with them. - Today I was thinking about organizing a home retreat, so there were planning thoughts present, as well as the craving for being on retreat already.

18 April 2020
Morning session 30 min standing noting aloud
Smooth&easy as usual. Attention just travels between several places, I note it. - I added pleasantness/unpleasantness several times. Meditation often seems to do itself - I do not need to put effort.
Evening session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
I decided to switch the way I do my practice. There were a bit more dullness and a bit less sati and energy, much fewer pictures and memories. It all felt like an ocean of vibrations with nothing stable even for a moment. The feedback is less immediate if you note silently, so I will need some time to learn it properly. I noted mostly thoughts and touch, occasionally the breath and high-pitch noise in the ears. - The posture did not cause discomfort.
During the day I ruminated on home retreat I wish to take at the beginning of May.

19 April 2020
Morning session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
I notice more intimacy with the experience, and the posture is more stable. Labels are much faster to pronounce in the mind than out loud, so there is more noticing than noting, as in contrast with doing it aloud.
It seems that some dullness and lack of energy are present. The meditation is calm and stable.

Evening session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
Well I just did. No 3C visible.
I notice how my life is full of craving, aversion, and desire. I experience strong fatigue almost all the time, I am lost in my thoughts and detached from the experience.
I notice that I do not see how meditation influences my daily life.


20 April 2020
Morning session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
I notice more tranquility and stability in sitting posture than in standing. I moved my back only once, swallowed saliva only once, and did not yawn. It was comfortable and calm. I mostly noted in- and out-breath, and touching thinking during the pauses. The breath was regular with no weird patterns.
I note aversion when I hear noises from my mother - previously I did not notice it.
When standing, it was about 80% noting and 20% noticing, now it is about 30% noting and 70% noticing.

Evening session Metta sitting half-lotus 30 min
I started with myself, then moved to my mother, close friends, mates, and colleagues, strangers, all people, all creatures.
I feel tired and confused, so I decided to heal myself with loving kindness a bit.

21 April 2020
Morning session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
I notice again how there is much more stability in this posture. The mind is a lot calmer and more concentrated. At some point the flow of thoughts and memories substantially subsided, and I noticed the breath. The breath is still a very mysterious process - I explored it and got intimate with it. However, after some time the mind got tired and some narrator appeared who started talking to itself about practice.
Evening session 60 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
During the first 10 minutes I somehow hit the first jhana - it has not happened for a long time. I experienced bliss, but it subsided quickly. Afterwards, the thoughts and memories were very rare
I mostly noted the breath. Gradually the noting became scarce and quiet - probably the dullness came.
In the last quarter is was generally unpleasant to sit - feeling quite similar to what I experienced on the Goenka retreat.
I decided to make 60 min seat because I am planning to make a home retreat, so I need to determine an optimal session length.

22 April 2020
Morning session 30 min sitting half-lotus silent noting
I mostly noted hearing, imagining, memories, desire to have breakfast.

Forgive me if i am late to this wonderful Shooting Aliens Party! I will do my best not to poop it. You are an inspiration to me, Mikhail, and seeing the arc of your practice fills me with awe and delight. Thank you for sharing this log.
I can tell you, from my own experience, that there may not be a "full recovery." But you already have gotten the joke of that: as you say---

This much cheaper and even faster than dying!

Thank you again, I will let you and Papa Che get back to work now, lol.

22 April 2020
Evening session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
I mostly noted the breath. I do not remember well what I was doing during most of the session, and it seems like it is a sign of dullness. I noticed how at some point it became apparent that sensation and the recognition of it are different things.I came to a realization today with the help of my psychotherapist that I am a healthy young adult, that there is nothing inherently wrong with me, that I do not need to be fixed. There has been some bad stuff with my psychic health more than 2 years ago, and it is in the past. Now I am healthy.

23 April 2020
Morning session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
No dullness this time. I was investigating how sensations precede their recognition. Also I looked into the process of identifying with the thoughts and the awareness. It seems to me that I am the one who is aware of the experience and does the noting. This is amazing because I cannot just make myself understand that awareness is not me.I will need some time to work it through.
Metta 15 min
Evening session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
The whole idea of having subjective experience seems so strange. I do not understand, who has it? How does the experience arise, how does the awareness of it arise, how does the identification with the awareness arise? Who notices the awareness? What is mind, what is consciousness, what is a self? I was experientially exploring these questions, and, to be honest, I have no idea. It was like chasing someone, chasing the one who notes, chasing the identification process.

24 April 2020
Morning session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
I was again mostly observing the experience of identification and the feeling of being the observer. It seems like the observer is somewhere behind, and I have to run back to catch him. I could experience this identification. At first, there is the feeling, then there is the recognition, then there is the identification. While I do noting, there is a feeling that I hover above my mind and note what happens. I dropped noting at some point and chased the observer during this and previous session. However, noting of in- and out-breath happens anyway, even if I stop caring about it. I may be overthinking, but I noticed some perceptual shift during practice today and yesterday. At first, I just noted breath, hear, touch, memory, picture, then the breath would stop for several seconds, and then it's like "Hmm, the knowledge of the sensation comes after the sensation. Who is looking at all this?" I was not enough gentle today with looking for the observer, because the body started reacting with involuntary muscle contractions at some point, so I slowed down a bit after that.
Evening session 30 min half-lotus silent notingNothing special this time, just noting sensations. Someone was constantly talking upstairs, so I did not manage to go deep in my self-observation. I noticed and noted the expectations of something special. I noted breath, hearing, touch, thoughts, expectations. I noticed how there was a feeling that I was doing the meditation, and this feeling did not seem to change.

25 April 2020
Morning session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
I started 2 hours after waking up instead of 1 as I do usually, and there were noticeably more energy and freshness in practice. I noted more often, and the whole experience seemed clearer than usual. When I thought and asked questions about the observer, I noted "questioning", "curiosity", "practice thought", "anticipation". It seems very interesting how experience arises from somewhere and passes away. I cannot notice these moments yet.
Evening session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
I mostly noted the breath. I notice that there was a new feeling of absence of boredom and the presence of some strange clarity and freshness, which were accompanied by doubt and confusion at the same time. Time passed very quickly. I notice that I am afraid of falling into dullness and not noticing it.

26 April 2020
Morning session 30 min half-lotus silent noting
The meditation was, I would say, lucid. I mean, I was constantly aware that this was the meditation and I was exploring the mind. I mostly noted the breath and thoughts. By the end I could notice how at the first moment when a thought arises, the mind identifies with it (I would describe it as I-am-ness feeling), then the thought gets noted, and I-am-ness of the thought fades. I am curious about where thoughts come from and where they go. Currently I cannot see that. Also I paid attention to the ends of the out-breaths.

Thank you for your attention and kind words, Tim. I could not think of a possibility of my practice being inspiring to someone. I am just at the beginning of my path despite practicing for 2 years and feel clumsy and inadequate.

we are all beginners in this domain, my friend. you are an inspiring beginner!

" just noting sensations. Someone was constantly talking upstairs, so I did not manage to go deep in my self-observation."


What do you mean by this? If you are doing noting of mind states and body sensations it matters little whats happening around you As a matter of fact that talk upstairs is offering so much good stuff for your practice, like;
Hearing, Comprehanding, Annoyance, Imagining a scenario, Aversion, Unpleasant, Is there a preassure associated in the body with all this, if they are making noise with some hard objects is there Assuming what it might be and Image of it, etc ...
Also you might have had that feeling that you can't go deep because of them, so Blaming could be there, and even Self-pity as "I can not go deep because of them" etc ... You have found a GOLD MINE for Noting just dig into it.

I would suggest not to force states/stages which are not really presenting themselves. 
Its alot like fishing; 
you can throw your fishing line with the hook and bait into the muddy water but you cant really get annoyed with the fish thats not biting it. You might want to observe and learn more about the fish and see how it bites and where it comes from and how it again disappears but the water is muddy and you simply can't see all that. If you insist it will lead to frustration. So we realise we need to hold that fishing rod, be patient, accept that the water is muddy and observe that until something else takes place, maybe the fish bites or maybe not. We note anticipation, assumption, desire, excitement, doubt, disappointment, imagining how the fish might look like, loss of faith, but we also Remember Acceptance and Patience and Perseverance in staying the course no matter what. All things are subject to Anicca. So is this muddy water.

I dont want to suggest you try and note 1-10 sensations/mind states/feelings per second but I personally find that very helpful. The reason I do it aloud is to keep me away from getting sidetracked into rumination (which can be very subtle and about practice so we dont really see it as problematic). 
Basically when in doubt or think I might be doing it wrong I say to myself "If Im noting 1-10 sensations/mind states/feelings per second Im doing it right and all the rest will come when ready".

26 April 2020
Evening session
I mostly noted the breath, then the process of instant automatic identification with arising thoughts.
I probably pushed too hard in my chasing the observer, because I had involuntary body movements again. They were not accompanied by any mental images and were not unpleasant, the body just strongly reacted on intense self-inquiry. I got lost in this condition and dropped noting. 

27 April 2020
Morning session
I deliberately noted more and faster. I mostly noted thoughts, hearing, imagining. Nothing ususual. The mind did not have time to do that fancy observer-investigation because it was busy with noting. I wonder if I am not enforcing monkey-mind behavior while constantly keeping my attention moving from object to object (I was wondering it during the meditation and noted "wondering")
This was similar to my aloud practice in terms of energy level.
Evening session
I noted too fast, the mind became extremely agitated, I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy, there were body jerks (I even hit my horehead with my fist unvoluntarily), someone was screaming inside.
I got lost in this condition and dropped noting in the second half of the session. 

28 April 2020
Morning session 60 min
My mind was mostly fantasizing about my body being cut in pieces by some sword and about screaming people who were horribly tortured. The body wanted to shake, but I almost kept it under control. I spit over myself several times and hit the floor (not myself, luckily) with my fist. I felt mad.
There was no physical discomfort associated with legs or back. 

29 April 2020
Morning session 60 min
At the beginning I was concentrating on the breath, noticing thoughts and sounds. Then the mind started wandering and chatting with itself about meditation. The mind was noisy, there was a desire to stop and do the things that I had planned to do today.
Nothing weird or particularly uncomfortable. 

30 April 2020
Morning session 60 min
Do nothing
That was rather easy, peaceful, and pleasant. I did not get dull or sleepy. Sometimes I noted because of habit, and neither encouraged nor discouraged me to note.
I did not apply effort. Thoughts were naturally recognized as thoughts, selfless impermanent phenomena, I let myself think them for a while, and naturally dropped them.
In the end the bottom started hurting, I observed the pain. 

I have found something by Shargrol on this effort thing, which i treasure. I suspect it may apply to every situation on the path:

Hi Mikhail. I noticed that you stopped updating your log so wondered if all is well?