The unbearable terror of being

Edis, modified 7 Years ago at 8/7/15 11:21 PM
Created 7 Years ago at 8/7/15 11:21 PM

The unbearable terror of being

Post: 1 Join Date: 8/7/15 Recent Posts
A little background: I like drugs. In fact I love drugs, especially psychedelics, which are basically the only drugs I do anyway. I've had the good fortune to have virtually unlimited access of LSD, and I usually take some every few months as a way of studying my mind and reanalyzing my life. I like exploring altered states of consciousness because I feel that they teach me more about myself and my place in the universe.

I became interested in meditation a few years ago after experiencing ego death, an experience I have reached several times now. I'm nowhere near stream entry, and I'm not trying to claim that psychedelic experiences are comparable to stream entry, which is my goal. However by experiencing profound altered states of self I was turn on to Buddhism. I practiced vipassana for around an hour a day for several months last year before stopping. Not much to say about my development in vipassana, although at a few points I did feel like energy was rushing through my body to the point that I was almost having an orgasm. Lately I've restarted my practice, this time with samatha, to try to enter the jhanas. But although I can deepen my concentration enough to start feeling waves of delight, I have not yet hit any obvious hard 'jhana'.

For the past year or so I've had experiences which lead me to believe I may be in Dark Night territory. It seems like I'm aware of a constant nagging feeling of unsatisfactoriness in all my experiences. “The Flame”, me and my friends named it. It's like if I don't purposely distract myself I'm constantly tuned in to this overwhelming unbearableness of just existing, in every perception. It's not depression, but it is somewhat agonizing. I also often find myself perceiving vibrations in different experiences without really trying to, although when meditating my concentration isn't 'wide' as talked about MCTB.

Here's my question: After reading MCTB I think it's obvious my progress in vipassana meditation was nowhere near Dark Night territory. However, I feel like I may be experiencing Dark Night symptoms. Is it possible for me to have stumbled into the Dark Night through my experiences with psychedelics and ego death? And, most importantly, what should I do to get out of it? How can I come to terms this fundamental unsatisfactoriness I can perceive in everything? Where do I fit in the map, and how do I proceed from here?
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Ian And, modified 7 Years ago at 8/8/15 12:28 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 8/8/15 12:16 AM

RE: The unbearable terror of being

Posts: 785 Join Date: 8/22/09 Recent Posts
Edis:

For the past year or so I've had experiences which lead me to believe I may be in Dark Night territory. It seems like I'm aware of a constant nagging feeling of unsatisfactoriness in all my experiences. ...It's like if I don't purposely distract myself I'm constantly tuned in to this overwhelming unbearableness of just existing, in every perception. It's not depression, but it is somewhat agonizing.

Here's my question: After reading MCTB I think it's obvious my progress in vipassana meditation was nowhere near Dark Night territory. However, I feel like I may be experiencing Dark Night symptoms. Is it possible for me to have stumbled into the Dark Night through my experiences with psychedelics and ego death? And, most importantly, what should I do to get out of it?

How can I come to terms this fundamental unsatisfactoriness I can perceive in everything?

Have you read how Gotama came to terms with that same existential angst? If not, perhaps you may find some answers there.

As to the questions you ask, anything is possible, however, there is not enough detail in what you have thus far described to suggest the speculation you have theorized. A question for you to ponder on: Before you read Daniel's book, how did you describe the experiences you now term as being "dark night" experiences? Are you so certain that exposure to this idea has not influenced your perception about it?

In order to truthfully answer that question, you will need to be an advanced practitioner of vipassana (insight) contemplation. Just something to consider as no one else can truthfully answer it for you. You have to discover the answer for yourself. Anyone who tells you differently is just playing with you.
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Dream Walker, modified 7 Years ago at 8/8/15 12:46 AM
Created 7 Years ago at 8/8/15 12:44 AM

RE: The unbearable terror of being

Posts: 1470 Join Date: 1/18/12 Recent Posts
I am not playing with you...just my best guess as to where you are on the maps.
Edis:
I practiced vipassana for around an hour a day for several months last year before stopping. Not much to say about my development in vipassana, although at a few points I did feel like energy was rushing through my body to the point that I was almost having an orgasm.
Standard A&P
Edis:
I also often find myself perceiving vibrations in different experiences without really trying to
3rd Vipasanna Jhana - dark night territory
Edis:
Here's my question: Is it possible for me to have stumbled into the Dark Night through my experiences with psychedelics and ego death?
Yes, it happens often
Edis:
And, most importantly, what should I do to get out of it? How can I come to terms this fundamental unsatisfactoriness I can perceive in everything? Where do I fit in the map, and how do I proceed from here?
Reread MCTB and look for the answers to your questions. It's all in there. Or as Ian said look straight at what the Buddha did. Start a daily practice, log it, share. Oh, and go on a retreat to turbo boost the start of your practice.
Good Luck
~D