I do a combo of mahasi noting, self inquiry, and other modalities off and on for about a decade now and have finally come across this inner narcisuss, which I'll get to in a second.

So I just finished a 50 retreat in India and came back a lot more conscious, a lot more aware and now I see it plain as day, its so obvious, there is this inner narcisuss, its a bit like a hole, perhaps a void or hole or something, I haven't yet really gone in depth with this but its been plain as day now for the last few days.

It's something that I have always intuitively known since I was a child that it is something within everyone that really is a root core of an aspect hat fucks people up bad. People run from this and try to cover it up with drugs, work, relationships, and so forth. I've always known I would eventually come across this, but never exactly knew what "this" was exactly.

It wants to see the world burn for the sake of it, to trip a little kid when no ones looking, to flick everyone off, to hurt people just watch their reactions and enjoy it. I've been realizing something's been off for the last year or so since these pessemistic remarks were creeping into my replies to everyone I know, and now I see the root.

It feels like if this can be resolved, that there is freedom and lightness and openness on the other side of it. Its like a self contraction, a self hatred that also hates everyone and its pretty scary and pretty massive and to be quite honest I don't think I've ever come across anything like this ever before and really don't know how to handle this.

I will say that intuitively I know I have to express and communicate this in a number of forums where I can get feedback, however I know no pills or therapists (advice from an ex) will be able to resolve tis. It's something that has to be dived into and faced someone and resolved somehow, not really sure how yet and I'm really looking forward to hearing from you guys on what's next with this.

Whaatever it is, its clearly evident its ruined my life on one end, but on the other end forced me into the spiritual path to find answers...and now I am face to face with it

Some thoughts:

-Use the retreat after-glow momentum to keep examining this heavily.

-Record your thoughts somewhere to preserve the insights after the glow wears off.

-Try some form of metta and/or chod/inner-demon meditation on it (something that purposefully deals with the energy of emotions).  Try the same technique for a couple days, if it "works" continue, if not move to another.  Psychically try to "feel out" the territory on your personal path that lies beyond this obstacle.  

Its called the Shadow


Perhaps you can tell us how you know that psychology can not help you deal with your shadow side.

Embracing the fact that part of you is a total jerk is the first step to overcoming it. I'd get some professional advice if you really want to dig into it and learn to navigate these troubled waters. If you can finally see this far, can you imagine what else lurks in the place you dont want to look? (we all hide this from ourselves). Trama is close to this stuff, and we all got some of that. I would consider this a wise time to access professional one on one help...but only if you really want to explore it. It is not a quick fix and meditation will help peel back the layers but once you see it, it cant be unseen. Or ignore it all
Good luck,
~D

Noah,

Wondering if you had any suggestions for getting into Chod-based meditation, for those without a background in it. Thanks.

It looks like a void because it has been run from and hasn't been faced. It's the root of the self-protection mechanism that also attacks first in order to keep the sense of self and the sense of control (in whatever form) intact. Btw. people attack each other and themselves all the time but most are not aware of doing it because they're so identified with the contracted sense of self (which they don't know is a contracted energy).

There's a core belief/story going on and this will keep going until the core belief about yourself and the world is seen clearly (a simple one sentence statemenet about yourself that was believed to be real). When the core belief, which usually starts in childhood, is clear then the patterns of the core story in everyday life can start to be merely observed and not repressed. And when there's no repression going on, in the form of thoughts and behaviors, then the underlying emotions can be clearly experienced too without them driving the behavior (eventually the core emotion can be experienced as it is, the other emotions were just branches of that single one). When there is the willingness to stop and be vulnerable, exposed, ashamed, to be "bad" or wrong in the eyes of the others, willingness to be abandoned, emotionally hurt etc. then the whole thing is starting to be finished because it's seen as not true or real on the level of the story that was being believed. After that those seemingly violent thoughts can still happen ocassionally but they won't cause the re-identification into that mode. Those thoughts don't mean anything anymore to anyone.

And don't try to get rid of anything btw. The key is to be totally open for anything to happen without moving into thoughts (opinions, fears etc.). And it's not a battle. When you don't move into thoughts, nor into any perceived contracted sense, then you're not fighting or fleeing but just being open. And notice the super-ego that says that the contraction is wrong and should be gone by now etc.. Super-ego looks also like the spiritual practitioner and the guy trying to get over this but that's also part of the contraction.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeding-Your-Demons-Resolving-Conflict/dp/0316013137

This is the only resource I know.  I just got the book so I don't know much about the practice yet.

Good deal, I'll check it out!

Hi I,

I sort of had the same problem for a while. What helped for me were the following:

1) Doing a lot of brahamavihara practice, metta, karuna, etc. I once spent 6 months practicing metta exclusively, then another 6 practicing it frequently. Prior to that I had tried metta and found it kind of phony, but during a retreat it really clicked and I really began to feel it, which is why I decided to do the 6 month practice.

2) Getting tokudo monk ordination as a Soto Zen priest trainee and practicing for 8 years with a wonderful woman Zen teacher who was not all that big on the wisdom training but really awesome on the morality training. I felt the kind of devotion that the Tibetans talk about when they speak about their teachers.

3) Developing a sense of bodhichitta. Bodhichitta is basically the desire to help every sentient being become enlightened before you do, so you are the very last one to become enlightened. This is a Mahayana practice and by enlightenment here is meant the Mahayana enlightenment experience, the experience of the union of wisdom and compassion (or emptiness and love) in realtime, and not the paths and fruits that constitute the Therevadan enlightenment experience, as I understand it.

Hope that helps.

Those agressions are a natural part of being a primate and jostling for position in the group. In modern society aggressive primate jostling is delegated to the military and police. Work harder and be diligent about paying your taxes and these symptoms should go away and be manifested instead by specialists. Just try not to watch the news.