| By way of introduction, I am posting this here. It's long, but I'm guessing you if you folks are anything like me, you're used to this kind of thing by now.
I made some posts yesterday on /r/streamentry asking if anyone knew about an experience I had about 9 years ago. I’m re-posting those here, covering what I’m now learning was my ‘A&P event’, my subsequent long dark night, remedial measures I took, and finally where I am at now. I am very grateful a kind soul (who I mistook for Daniel) posted about the A&P and linked to Daniel’s essay on it. And I’m very grateful to Daniel for putting this information and site together. Thank you, both. I always knew I wasn’t alone.
https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/8paiud/questions_and_general_discussion_weekly_thread/
POST 1:
What did I experience?
Many years ago I learned mantra meditation from a popular organization that teaches it. You probably know it. Anyway, I sat twice daily repeating the mantra and would sometimes feel a subtle bliss. It was nice, and peaceful.
Then one night as I repeated the mantra, I became calmer than usual and noticed my breath had nearly halted but I continued with the mantra anyway. Suddenly, my head filled with light. I mean the brightest light you can even imagine. And waves of intense bliss filled me. Like an orgasm times a billion, life changing level of bliss. Then I swear I saw what looked like outer space and I was zooming past what were clearly planets. I’m not sure if I was heading heading towards the source of the light, but that’s what it appeared to me at the time.
At this point I couldn’t hold concentration. (The event lasted no more than 20 seconds.) I jumped out of my chair and was convinced I had experienced “God” though I was previously an atheist. I was filled with a feeling that I needed to become a vegetarian, which I know sounds odd. And for the next 3 months was filled with an energy I had never had, could exercise longer and harder, could study longer, was in general a more captivating person to be around (I think).
I tried reaching that state again, and never could. Eventually I gave up, and eventually stopped meditating. Now looking back, I realize my desire to achieve that state was likely one of the main roadblocks towards re-experiencing it. But please understand the pleasure was so intense, it is hard not to crave it.
So. I’ve read a little about the Buddhist jhanas. And I’ve read about similar white light experiences in more Hindu meditations. Heck I’ve even heard of Christian saints experiencing similar things. But I am not an expert. Just a regular guy who stumbled into a doorway of bliss and what seemed to my brain like “God” one night many years ago.
I just want to know: what the hell happened? Anyone have any ideas?
Here someone linked to the A&P essay.
POST 2:
Just read. Having trouble posting on mobile right now. I identify very strongly with what you’ve written. Including the energy, sex drive, and darkness that follows the event. I had many years of unexplained illness and cognition issues after the event. Some I’m still working through. One thing I have learned is the yamas and niyamas seem vital as a way of working through the dark night.
Here I was asked some questions about my experience and I reply:
POST 3:
Firstly, thanks for responding and writing that essay. I assume you’re Daniel? I haven’t had time yet today to read through the entire site. But I’m blown away by what I’ve read so far. I’m been in and out of sanghas and spiritual communities for years and no one had any idea what I was talking about. Definitely reading your book this week!
(Other details rang true as well. Notably, I quit smoking immediately after the event. Although I’m told the research suggests all mystical experience tends to cause this outcome of addiction-breaking. And anecdotally, take Bill W and the LSD experiments on alcoholics, for instance.)
I am just beginning to practice again, sans mantra (particularly those with eee sounds, which send the energy up up up) or visualization or anything that brings energy directly to the head.
That means: Qi Gong, tai chi, Classical Chinese herbal medicine, acupuncture, hara /dan tian related meditations and breathing, and the yamas and niyamas. I am attempting to lay a strong foundation before going back to bliss-land.
What I mean by this is: I am convinced the event was related to improper foundational practices and/or imbalanced wind energy in the body. Meditational related illness is a well known phenomena. And while the medical tantras and materia medicas don’t go into detail about the symptoms, the diagnostics are very clear. It is a wind condition, empirically diagnosed with pulse. In Tibetan Buddhism / Tibetan Medicine this would be called LOONG or in Ayurveda Medicine VATA or in TCM just WIND. Channels get going in the wrong way due to genetics / intensive or improper practice / stress / improper diet and all this energy gets shot up to the head/crown before a solid foundation is laid. So it has the Wiley Coyote effect: what comes up, must come down. The fact that most of us go through a lustful period immediately after would support this concept. We hadn’t yet closed off the lower energy centers, which are mostly brought under control with the Yamas and Niyamas. Righteous and healthy living and celibacy builds our foundation.
The event was about 9 years ago. It destabilized me completely for about 3 months. I had been sick with Lyme and Mono and Crohn’s disease (flaring) when it happened. The fun and manic, siddhi-like energy wore off after 3 months. Then: the dark times. I couldn’t even drive a car. An energy felt “stuck” at the crown of my head and would not come down. Sympathetic nervous activation 24/7 for the next 5 years. Immune system went to shit. In and out of hospital for Crohn’s and chronic infections. I was a wreck. They eventually found two inches of calcification at the crown of my head, later developing into a tumor. But they couldn’t determine if it was causing my symptoms. I call it my Ushnisha haha.
The next 5 years were rough. Mentally and physically. I eventually became reclusive and struggled to find any help for my mysterious medical symptoms. Spent a fortune traveling the country seeing every doctor I could find, and when that didn’t pan out, I began exploring eastern medicine.
When I found a truly competent Classical Chinese Medicine practitioner, a Taoist who understood the mechanics of meditational related illnesses, was when I slowly began to heal. It’s been about 3 years and I’m really getting back to normal living now. I am 75% healed. I can drive again, I can read non-fiction, I can do mild exercise, hang out with friends, work part time. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I am starting to meditate again in a more balanced way than before.
Brahmacharya (celibacy) is the most potent tool of healing I have found, for what it’s worth and anyone reading this in the future.
Anyway, why would I risk it again? Because now I know what’s out there. I’ve seen behind the curtain, and there’s no going back from that. Whether it’s Brahman or Heaven or Enlightment, I know it’s HOME. And I want to go back for good.
Later that night I added two more posts:
POST 4:
Just wanted to add a post for any future internet seekers suffering from some form of meditational related illness:
I shouldn’t have made a blanket statement that wind imbalances are the only cause of meditational illnesses. MY imbalance was wind related. (My understanding is that at various stages in the kundalini experience, fire, or heat, is a major issue as well. And there could be pre-existing pathological, or dampness, related issues as well.) My point in posting the above is that Classical Chinese Medicine from a competent practitioner over several years of weekly treatment in conjunction with Chinese herbal medicine helped resolve a number of my medical and mental issues which were either exacerbated or caused by improperly meditating for extended periods of time, and that it might be worthwhile to explore this modality if you are in a similar difficult spot.
POST 5: Fuck I’m reading your book now and I’m really Textbook aren’t i? Even the celibacy thing. I’m going through the desire for deliverance now... it is spooky how textbook I am.
Where I’m at now: I’m just starting the book, mastering the core teachings. One thing that keeps occurring to me while reading it is at once a feeling of relief (He, Daniel, and others, know the way out! I can follow their advice and escape this finally!) but also a sense of FEAR and DREAD (my reality is unreal, this is all an illusion, Mara and Maya feel symbollicaly demonic, like I’m being attacked in some subtle way because there is a part of ME that doesn’t want to escape, obviously, the part of me that wants to succumb to sensual pleasures and the fact that I know this means I need to suffer EVEN MORE to fully cut those ties. These are downright scary and spooky thoughts. But maybe the spookiest thought of all: that this path is so well known by Daniel and others that it's like I'm just carrying out the same Hero's Journey as everyone else. I don't care that it doens't make me unique or whatever, but there's this: it can make me feel like an actor in someone else's play. Call it God or Destiny or just Evolution. There is a deeply unsettling unease to even accepting this path, let alone traversing it, which feels paradoxical given the ultimate goal.)
All the best to all of you. Any and all thoughts are most welcome. |