Hey all

I’ve been having a feeling that I should quit living due I’ve made such a spiritual mess of myself and by suiciding I will have a chance in the next life to get longer, due if I proceed in this life I might make more a mess of my practice since my brain isn’t ”worky” enough to get better in my meditation practice.

Is this just a egos way of talking so I don’t go through an ego death or how would you interpret it. These feeling have followed me for quite a long time now and feel a relief of typing it out.


Peace

Hi Hans,

It sounds like you're going through a difficult time and you need to seek professional help. Calling the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 might be a good start. It's not uncommon for meditators to go through some rough periods in practice, but contemplating suicide is a sign that there's more serious stuff going on that meditation alone isn't going to fix. I strongly recommend you consult with a physician or mental health professional ASAP and put your spiritual practice on the back burner until you're feeling more stable. When you've gotten a handle on the underlying issues that are causing you to feel this way, that would be a great time to find a teacher or mentor so they can help you put together a safe but satisfying practice plan. But for now you need to focus on staying safe, as there are surely a lot of people who love you who would be terribly hurt if you harmed yourself.

With love,

Andromeda

Thanks, Yes decreasing meditation might be a wise choice

Hi Hans,
I agree with Andromeda that this sort of situations calls for medical help and laying off meditation untill you are feeling better.

In my view you cannot break yourself by meditating wrongly or making a mess out of your mind. There is always a chance to become better and to fix it, however gloomy the situation looks now. The situation can always be made worse, so it is better to avoid making things worse. A suicide will cut you off from any improvment in this life, so it is better not do it. It is also devastating to your family and friends. You can fiend stories online how suicide has affected family members if you want. So I would advice you to seek help and talk to professionals and also preferably to somebody who knows you and cares about you. It is entirely possible to be physically sick in a way that makes your mind muddled and makes you feel like you have done irreversible damage. Don't just believe that and make an irreversible action before you have tried all the possible solutions, including antidepressants, if you happen to be depressed. They do work for some. Also feel free to write here how things are progressing.

Best of luck!