Alright so it has been a bit more than 2 months since I last shared about how my practice has been going. I usually update/keep a log more regularly than that but a lot of the time I just used those reports to boost unhelpful narratives, particularly doubts about my practice working effectively.

For some reason I feel like sharing what has been going on, I can't really explain why, as I don't have any original insights that would help others or particular problems to ask about...

I have been basically riding the 'bare awareness' train with an emphasis on not getting caught up in thought but instead labelling it or just being aware of it. Noting helped a lot with this, as I never really figured out this point of how to not attempt to suppress thought but also not get 'caught up' in it.

Noting "thinking" whenever I got lost definitely has added stability to my practice, where previously I might have gotten stuck for minutes, hours, or even days or weeks in some narrative it seems I have developed some ability to just treat the thoughts with equanimity and awareness and non-identification. Of course this is probably the main thing I have been developing all along, but, as always, just improving that same ability is making a big difference.

Sometimes I label the other five senses, sometimes I try to pay attention to them without notes but still note for ~10 seconds if I got really caught up in a narrative before returning to silent awareness. Another thing that has been coming up occasionally is natural joy which just arises whenever I am relaxed and clearly aware. Again, something that has always been there in my practice from time to time but just making more progress there.

It really seems like practice is just recognizing the suffering of not being relaxedly/appreciatively aware of what is going on in the moment and thus returning to that more and more. Lately I have really started to enjoy practice and see it more as just a good way to live as opposed to a means of achieving something for myself, which is probably the main difference in my practice. This keeps me more relaxed about how well things are going and keeps me from worrying about which 'system' is right, what is right is what is making me suffer the least here and now.

In terms of living life, I really made a lot of efforts to be social for a while because it seemed that I was missing something vital to happiness. Other forum users seemed to agree with me there, perhaps just because my dark night posting was so over the top and exaggerative about how isolated I was (it was true to some extent but not nearly so much as I said). Anyways over the last 2 months I had a semi-girlfriend, blacked out and/or threw up from drinking a few times, went on 2 debaucherous skiing trips, hung out with people alot, joined two intramural sports teams, did psychedelics, talked to strange and different people, decided to go abroad to study in China next year... etc.

I think I grew a lot simply through pushing my comfort zone with lots of things that would have scared me. I was pretty immature when I started practicing and I used it to some extent as a way of avoiding the scariness of maturing and trying new things... i.e. "I don't have to try new things because I can just become enlightened/actually free and it will solve all my problems." Well, I definitely still am aiming for the type of enlightenment (which people on this site have talked about attaining) which leaves one 100% without anxieties or worries or depressions but I think I have realized that such a big attainment has to come through integrating awareness and vulnerability into all aspects of ones life especially the most uncomfortable and difficult ones, avoidance will simply not ever work... ever.

last week I started taking some long pleasant hikes by myself in the really nice weather on a really nice trail in Colorado where I live (1) and really trying to open up to 'wonderment'. Still having plenty of periods of 'stuckness' where I get trapped in a narrative but clear improvements going on.

One place I'd like to improve is my cutting edge wherein I am fairly equanimous and awake, but with some random mind wandering that keeps pushing me out the present moment. basically day dreaming but without any focused or desparate quality, more just general proliferating nonsense such as wondering about what that squirrel over there is thinking.

I've noticed that sometimes the non-proliferating present moment awareness sometimes 'locks in' and becomes really clear and stable and natural but can't get that to happen most of the time. It is easier to keep from wandering when I introduce a reference point to focus attention on, such as a tension in the body or the breath, but I also seem to never access the awesome natural joy which arises occasionally when the non-focused awareness locks in for short periods.

Does this sort of benign mind-wandering with periods of natural, awake, joy interspersed seem familiar to anyone? what was the next step?

(1)moderating socialness and dedicated practice time now, though I feel somewhat less inclined to be social now that I am comfortable with it and no longer feel so much of a need to push my boundaries there