Hi, I have a wierd fear...
I hit stream entry about a year ago and I'm afraid I made a big mistake. I'm almost positive I had to break a past bodhisatva vow to enter the stream.
Here is my fear.. I heard somewhere that after an Arahant dies they enjoy parinibbana until the end of samsara. I also heard that samsara then starts over again. This is so frightening to me.
I heard that the nibbana experienced for Arahants and boddhisatvas is different, I fear I may have lost a big opportunity by breaking it.. like maybe I would get to stay out of samsara longer or something if i would have finished my vow. I fear I lost something gigantic.. Like maybe to get out of samsara you have to be an arahant, but to get out of samsara restarting you have to be a buddha. Isn't this fear rediculous?
My mind seems to incessently try to generate merit. you know just like the eckhart tolle way, where people around you can often times be purified just by you sitting there... my mind seems to like to help people purify people way to much and it makes it super uncomfortable for me to be around people sometimes, I should not have to feel their vibration all the time.... its like my mind is still trying to stockpile merit, (maybe to keep when samsara restarts, but that wouldn't make any sense)
anyway I know this sounds rediculous but if you could help me in anyway that'd be great. probably punching holes in my beliefs would be best, especially if the information came from the suttas or a very strong source that I would believe and trust
maybe even stories of enlightened people or arhants wasting time would make me feel better... or maybe facts about karma that would show there is not way i could generate merit that would stay until samsara restarts... or maybe facts about samsara restarting
I just dont wanna feel like i have to help people so much... my mind does it automatically
thanks!
