Hello DhO!

I had a practice journal here about 10 years ago, but that account is locked so I'm starting fresh. I'm pretty confident that I attained stream entry back then, due to numerous cycles, fruitions, and at least one clear review stage. I believe I also got second path, but I'm willing to be wrong. No doubt I overestimated my progress in the end, which was one factor in my falling away from consistent practice. I think I had some basic misunderstandings about the relationship between cycles and paths, and the different character of the different paths. For example, I had no idea that my sudden interest in direct path practices was typical of 3rd, and so my exploration in that direction was too loose, and before long "just sitting" became just... sitting. 

Earlier this year, I had occasion to take stock of my life and recall the truth of dukkha. I realized that I had kept the dharma at arm's length in the sense that, while willing to shoot aliens all day at the granular level, I had kept my personal narrative, including goals and expectations, and most of my personality, separate. There was a hard line for me between practice and life, although I would have denied that. 

I've been back to Vipassana since the spring, sitting on average 2-3 hours/day. The nanas aren't super clear to me, but mostly 
I find that it's easy to sit with continuous, wide-open attention. I am mostly interested in "core processes," such as the sensation of inside and outside which seems strongly reinforced by external sounds. I am also working on bringing as much attention as possible to aversive triggers off the cushion, and generally watching my mind generate its stories. Lately, equanimity has been pretty consistent off the cushion, with occasional periods where self/duality seems very thin, until fatigue or something else trips me up and misery comes down like a bag of bricks. 

I'll be doing a 10 day solo retreat from 12/23-1/3, so I thought I should get some feedback before then, if y'all have any. I don't have any specific plans other than to sit a lot and walk a little. I'd like to try some "strong determination" sitting before the end (h/t Steve James.) Thanks for reading. It's nice to be back, DhO seems much improved. 

One thing that seems possibly a little off in my practice: I've only had one fruition with a very light bliss wave since starting up again. The pressure at my crown can be quite strong for long periods, and even continues mildly off-cushion. 

Welcome back!

Noticing emptiness and euphoria, attachment to emptiness obscuring impermanence, attachment to pleasure obscuring dukkha. I return to identifying annatta, and the noisiness of piti and euphoria abates.

I thought I'd ramp up my endurance in advance of my retreat next week. Normally, I do 45-60 minutes per sit, so I extended just a little to 75 minutes, and resolved to avoid any movement. That seemed to sharpen my attention quite a bit, and the Nana characteristics were stronger, especially the dukkha nanas. I felt slightly nauseous, and had an extended period of morbid fantasies, which eventually led to a more sober equanimity. Nausea always seems to me to carry a sense of imminent horror. Even when mild, it feels threatening. It's another example of zooming out from the granular phenomena and remembering the simple knowledge that the body can generate an incredible amount of pain and suffering at any time, and likely will sooner or later. I'm reminded of Oscar Wilde saying something like, "God save me from physical pain, I can handle the spiritual pain." So the outcome of this strong determination session is... stronger determination. I did still move a lot, though!

Experimenting with a couple of adjustments lately: 

1. Starting out with a jhanic arc practice. It's nice! Seems to add quite a bit of fuel to the fire. I do seem to skip the usual nana cycle and exit straight into equanimity. I don't know if there is a developmental cost to it, but for now... nice!
2. Dependent Origination-lite -- I don't know the links, but working with the 4 noble truths to examine the mechanics giving rise to the 3 characteristics has been really helpful, especially for diving into content of thoughts rather than just disembedding/objectifying and letting them spin. Identifying not-self, for example, is usually a bit of sleight of hand in the sense that I first notice the self contraction, then objectify and negate it; now, I'm looking for the ignorance giving rise to the selfy-sensations, or the being ignorant, a thing that I am doing. It has much more of an instant-liberation effect for me. I think the 3 characteristics have been stale for me, too obvious and static, but also contradictory in a way. Yes, these sensations possess the characteristics of not-self and not-permanence, but to see that requires seeing through delusion... which is a process. So now, I feel like I have a more clear and effective process. The result has been more equanimity, more spaciousness, brighter awareness.

Continuing to improve in concentration with higher equanimity resulting, almost reaching, or just reaching momentarily non-doing, then after about 90 minutes getting kicked out of mindfulness altogether and taking some time just to get back to access concentration. That's a slightly different pattern than before, where I had been scraping my way through low equanimity to a kind of middle level, then sliding back to reobservation. I wonder if the difference is in starting with jhana. I'll continue to test these as I'll have lots of time to explore both when my retreat starts on Saturday, but I can't deny that I seem to be having better luck pushing to my 'edge' with jhana than without. It's almost like a boomerang or rubber band effect where it sends me way out then I just snap out of it at some point, whereas taking the well traveled road through the nanas is more like plodding up and down a ladder. 

And... the DO-lite practice seems to have quickly just integrated into what I was doing already but with more attention to the dynamic interplay between the 3 characteristics and the fetters and whatnot. A surprisingly quick, easy upgrade without even really having done the reading, so to speak. 

Best wishes for your retreat!

Thank you, Shargrol! I had your notes on Six Realms practice with me, and I believe they were helpful in finishing up a cycle in the early part of the retreat. 

Unfortunately, I wrote a long report on the whole experience and it disappeared when I hit publish. That's the second one I've lost since starting this thread. Suffice to say, progress was made, but no path. The peak of the retreat seemed to be very similar to Daniel's description of "formations," with one key difference. Whereas he says all six sense doors merge into one, leaving the watcher on 'this side,' I experienced the five conventional senses merging together, giving an impression of things being very vivid and somehow simple, but with thought forms remaining on this side. So, my current focus is on attachment to discursive thoughts. 

Also, I found this tidbit about fruition in Mahasi's Practical Insight Meditation: "The advantage of a definite period [in which one resolves to not attain fruition of the previous path] is, if he so wishes, he can easily re-attain the fruition knowledge of the path already acquired. If no such time limit is made, and one goes on striving to attain the path, then it will no longer be possible for one to reattain the fruition knowledge of the lower path. In that event, if one finds that one cannot yet attain to the higher path or go back to the fruition knowledge of the lower path, one will be disturbed by a feeling of dissatisfaction and disappointment... ." The translation seems a bit klunky, but I think this describes my predicament. Too much time went by without resolution either way, and now I am "disturbed by a feeling of dissatisfaction... ." 

I've been doing a lot of walking practice, about 30-50%. Besides feeling good for the body, it's nice to practice with eyes open sometimes. It seems to improve mindfulness, especially of space, and I find it easier to tune into what I think of as a relatively non-dual state. The visual field is bright, somehow flat, luminous, and invites a centerless orientation. That in turn seems to loosen the self's grip on thoughts and agency generally. I became a little confused for a while about how to work with this state. 'Anatta' is self-evident (haha, pun), but my prior conceptions of dukkha and anicca didn't seem to apply. I think it's because I was thinking of them as positive qualities: 'suffering' (or stress), and 'impermanence.' Now I think the specific language is key here. They're not-self, not-satisfaction, and not-permanent. These apply to sensations arising from ignorance and insight equally. I guess the only real difference is in seeing them spontaneously without having to "Vipassanize" the illusion of their opposites. 

The knot of self is still there, of course, and the meditator dances between breaking it down and expanding into the field. This isn't entirely new to me, but maybe it's feeling a little more natural, a little more stable, and cuts a little deeper. After two weeks of home practice, the peak of the retreat is starting to become a daily experience. 

On the other hand, I'm noticing the major gaps in mindfulness that are part of home practice. I never felt that I came close to truly continuous mindfulness on retreat, but I had a little flashback yesterday, while making tea, which I did a lot on retreat, of how much greater my commitment was then. Daily mindfulness is largely about noticing addiction to distraction, trance states of self-involvement, and daydreams. It's a lot of murk for the mind to chew through, but I like to think the balance is shifting. I like how walking helps to blur the lines between practice and not practice. 

I seem to be circling back around to working with more emotional content. First I noticed, "this is boring," and frustration under that, discouragement, resignation, then the whole complex of hopes invested in practice, and the fact that I'm using intensive practice to just keep going... (which was initially quite deliberate, and has worked so well I almost forgot (I can remember thinking, here's something I can control - LMAO)...) a few days of a more moderate dose reminded me that it's a razor's edge... really, I think EQ just gets boring. No matter how many ways I grind through core processes they persist, so why not revisit failure, humiliation, etc. A lot of the inner monologue seems to be for entertainment, but I know that entertainment is just to keep the self/attention/intention complex rolling. It doesn't feel like a downshift to dukkha nanas, which I usually recognize as a sense of turbulence. The wide, smooth, stable field is still there. 

Thinking of a sequence of events since the weekend involving drinks, changes in diet, a dip in energy, fatigue cutting into practice a lot actually, and I realize how much this practice and my mood depends on control. Another thing that might have thrown me off a bit is just consuming a lot of differently flavored dharma talks that led me to think, maybe I should just chill a bit. So maybe more than any specific emotion, the theme is effort and control. 

Actually, if I focus on it, the practice is there, spontaneously. I just got caught. I got a case of the hindrances. Nothing bad happened. I don't mean to make it dramatic. It reminds of a dream I once had about meditating with a tiger inches from my face. When fear arose, the tiger growled. When it subsided, he became calm. I thought the tiger represented the mind, but that includes everything, so... best to keep him calm. Also, I remember a story about a zen patriarch killing a cat to make a point.

TLDR; don't chill out, just give up control. 

Honestly, I think both chill and give up control. 

Seeing how you're trying to control things is very wise. Deep relaxation is the key to teasing out that knot, not trying to untie it, which I accept is a little counter intuitive

How deeply can you relax? To what degree can you release control? What is in control? Can control be relaxed? Can relaxation be controlled? 

My "note" for this was "manipulation" -- I just basically noted the sensations, emotions, and thoughts associated with trying to manipulate the present moment. 

(And it's important to notice that you are the one "being bored". The moment itself isn't boring.)

100%

It has been a rough week. Less practice time, more quick moments of contemplating the meaning of equanimity in the context of chaos, loss, and grief. I'm still very much subject to being triggered, obviously, but the relative persistence of 'the view,' for lack of a better term, is surprising. These were previously always noted as "gross" states that mostly obscured mindfulness and disrupted samadhi. Also noticing a kind of charnel ground effect: this is just what's happening everywhere, all the time. N11N10.

A 4th path poster here said something about the miracle of existence applying also in states of pain and oppression. Glimpsing that, almost.

I also notice a deficit of "Virtue" training (my preference for Sila.) For example, a greater sense of the possibilities for forgiveness and steadfastness, leaves me wondering what behaviors would even match that. Shutting up seems like a good one. Chop wood, carry water isn't bad.

Insight of the week, [Mr. Obvious voice]: "Restlessness." I think this has been a major obstacle for me, even more than conceit. And I missed it. Or, rather, it was too big to distinguish or make a dent in. 

Nice! Yeah sometimes just finally seeing the actual problem is 85% of the solution.

Inspired by some pointing out questions I spent much of today scoping out thoughts and identification with thoughts. Each time there's a thought, there's at least a little trancing out that goes with it... it's almost like working with torpor, but less gross and more persistent. It's helping with more consistent mindfulness throughout the day. 

This practice feels a bit all over the place lately, but I hope that's just adaptation to different conditions. Different techniques just seem like different emphasis on the same challenge. I figure if I'm staying engaged and interested maybe I'm on the right track. Also, to some extent, it's just watching the system deploy different skills. I can't really tell if it's cyclical or just a flat circle.

I often think back to Daniel's advice on practicing in Equanimity to observe the entire sensate field. It feels like a riddle, though. Here's the field. Inside, outside, thoughts, feelings, sensations, core processes... What's missing?? The restless angst of it all is reduced, so that's nice. 

Sorry for not engaging more with the responses. I do read and appreciate them.

Informal practice has been more compelling than sitting lately. I notice the view is available, but tentative, dependent on effort, like first jhana. Walking practice is a nice middle ground. I always thought of that movement from 1st to 2nd jhana as something that happened automatically - the "neuro-electric" process - but now I think it comes from - or at least it's helpful to - see through the sense of effort, and then the deeper relaxation is just there. I'm happy with that little discovery. I hear the advice to relax more, but how? I think the movement of the past month or so has been toward understanding that - finally beginning to get past the need to attack attachment, identification, etc., now beginning to get the knack of just getting out of the way - or, at least, getting a taste of it. 

I've also been getting some mileage out of the pointers toward the time sense, looking at my belief in that. It's tricky! But not intractable. 

The habit of wanting out of this wobbles as I recall, this is it. 

One way to relax more is to gently put the mind on neutral or positive sensations. You can either just notice parts of the body/mind that are calm, at ease, peaceful, spacious, relaxed... or you can induce these feelings with kind wishes for yourself/others, thinking about the things you are greatful for, etc.  Then it becomes a bit of a positive feedback loop: nice experiences held in the mind, which creates more nice experiences in the mind, etc. etc.

Sometimes resistances show up and that's when you need to almost a parental or friendly attitude towards the resistance: "that's okay, you feel vulnerable, you need to resist to protect yourself, that's fine, I'll just be here with you" --- sounds strange but sometimes thinking/saying this literally is the way to be with a resistance, and oddly enough just the kindness of being with it is it's own nice experiece and you can focus on the nice experience of kindly being with a resistance.

Hope this is helpful in some way. Just play around with it and see what works for you!

Thank you! That is helpful. I will play around with it.

Prioritizing relaxation has been helpful, I think. For a few days, it was almost like a baseline shift. The view more dominant than not. But it only takes something small, like a little extra caffeine and irritation, to throw me back. Still, it's a more comfortable, less urgent and needy way to practice.

Today I had another kind of fish realizing water moment. This time it had to do with security, accomplishment, self-worth, self-directed aggression. Big "life theme" kind of feeling. It's not an insight, really, but I think until now it has either overwhelmed awareness, or been unavailable. Not workable. Now that I think about it, this was a big motivating factor for practice early on. (I saw that pointer around here somewhere lately.)

The sense of urgency in practice has been almost completely absent the past week or so. I found some ritual practices that have been helping a LOT with feeling more calm and secure. That makes it easier to see practice/awakening as a mostly automatic process, and to detect the subtler impulses/attachments that deviate from that view. There's a, now, quiet, but persistent, doubt. Could I just let practice and life happen? Yeah, but what if...? What if I slacken too much... need more knowledge... just coast here another decade? It's okay, this is fine, this is good... there's just a little knot over there... that's better. 

I suspect that I will cycle back to using more effort and energy in formal practice, but hopefully with less attachment and neurosis. 

Feeling mild peace, gratitude, wonder, relief. (I don't want to overstate it: I'm still subject to stress and mood variations - just a lot less lately.)

Nice!!

A fragment from MCTB came to me while sitting today: something like, "2 sensations can't know each other." It seemed to give me a little more purchase on the so-called watcher, that it's not just this persistent sense of a center generating identity and conditioned reactions, but that it arises with every sensation as subject/object relational experience. I suppose it's the most basic kind of Vipassana insight, but it felt like a little micro-shift. Much of this path has been like that. Not much new, just broader and more inclusive. Can I see without the seer? Not quite, yet, but there is a little liberation in the effort. Then I relax and let the practice do itself more or less until another "contraction" or distraction... . 

A month or two ago I was wondering if this was really going anywhere. Now, I feel like there's a gradual expansion of practice through my mind and life. I don't remember where I heard the term 'nostalgia for Samsara,' but I had that in a way that I don't now. Maybe that urgent desire for attainment came from this feeling, as if it would take a violent act to break the self that wasn't fully willing. (Now that I think about it, this pertains to my long hiatus from practice, too. I didn't really want to be enlightened. I had stuff to do!) So, there's a little shift in all of that, too.

Less insight on the narrative level, or maybe more accurate to say folding the narrative inquiry into sensate investigation... the anicca of the time sense, the anatta of the attention/control thing... not new, but felt fresher today. Simpler. I noted anicca of piti sensations, and thought anicca means not continuous... I think I knew that, but felt it in a new way; a sense of anicca that cuts through time-clinging the way anatta cuts through self-clinging... maybe. I felt a bit of stillness. 

On the level of narrative inquiry, realizing how involved I am with micro-managing the future, wondering how to bridge the gap to spontaneous action... my gut says it depends on trust. Somehow, that brings my attention to breath and body sensations. Feels relaxing. The process of disembedding from thoughts  has always been a kind of formal practice even in daily life, an intentional shift, but I revert when I have to work or communicate. In other words, I don't really know how to function outside of self-referential thought. It's a division between life and practice. So, there's a sense of practice trying to find a little more of life's territory to colonize. 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense. It might be bs. 

Practice has been quieter lately with less of a paradoxical/confusing response to the do-nothing technique. It does seem that there is infinite potential for deeper relaxation... . Noting "seeking."